Original subtitles

This programme contains strong language and adult humour

Urgh!

Oh...

Whoo!

SHE GIGGLES

SHE SCREAMS

ROBOTIC CHATTERING

I mean, you're useless at this.

SCREAMING

SHE TRUMPETS

Eurgh!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Thank you, thank you!

Welcome to Taskmaster! A juggernaut of comedians

crashing off Career Mountain.

Soon, one of them will hold aloft the golden trophy depicting...

SULTRILY: ..my delicious face.

The losers will be rightly kicked from their homes

and have to live in the forest like giant human rats.

LAUGHTER So, for the penultimate time,

please welcome Andy Zaltzman...

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

..Babatunde Aleshe... CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

..Emma Sidi... CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

..Jack Dee... CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

..and Rosie Jones! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

And next to me, a man who told me

that he likes attending parents evenings

because his middle child's form tutor is, and I quote,

"one hot piece of ass."

HIGH-PITCHED: # I-I-It's little Alex Horne! #

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Yes, please. Hi, Greg!

Hey, Greg, riddle me this.

Would you rather all of the fingers on one of your hands was worms?

Yeah. Or would you like £10 cash?

LAUGHTER

OK, £10 cash. £10 cash, all right.

Would you rather, you have to always drink water from the hot tap?

Or £10 cash?

LAUGHTER

HE SIGHS

£10 cash, please. Just the slightly tepid water, yep.

Whenever you - would you rather that,

whenever you look in the mirror, you vomit? Blergh?

Or £10 cash?

Yeah, I'll have the £10 cash, please. £10, all right.

Oh, you have a slug instead of a tongue...

Yeah, £10 cash.

£10 cash, right.

OK. Mm-hm. Good.

And I've run out now. Mm-hm.

This is your personal money, right?

It genuinely is. Really is.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

OK, prize task time!

And this week, you asked them to bring in the best item

for keeping things in that isn't just a regular item

for keeping things in.

I'll tell you what, I can hardly contain myself.

5 points for the best item, and all five items will be

heading home with the winner of the night.

OK, Jack.

What is the thing that you've brought in that's good for

keeping things in that you wouldn't normally keep things in?

I've brought this lovely, erm,

village scene that I keep things in.

OK, here is Jack's village Christmas scene. Yeah.

LAUGHTER

What are you containing in it? Ahem.

Erm, batteries. GREG GROANS

Yeah, he keeps his... he keeps his batteries in.

Fair enough. It-It's got a hidden compartment for them.

And so, I can always - if I, you know - I think,

"Oh, I need double-A batteries," you know what it's like.

Yeah, I know what it's like, yeah. Especially Christmas Day, it's...

"Oh, I've remembered where the double-A batteries are!"

Yeah, I've got some for you. "They're in that container!" Yeah!

"Oh, but the container's drained the batteries!"

LAUGHTER That is a flaw in this.

But what I've found, if you put them all the same way round,

it doesn't drain them. It admittedly... Ah!

Yeah, thank you! LAUGHTER

Oh, oh! So, it all makes sense now, does it? Yeah. Yeah.

It's like saying that you're going to store meat inside a dog, Jack.

LAUGHTER Jesus.

Right, Emma.

I have designed a bag.

Made it myself and, while I was making it,

I couldn't believe this hasn't been done before.

OK, here's her non-container container.

Oh! LAUGHTER

Yes...I like it. APPLAUSE

It's sort of fabulous.

It sort of does work, doesn't it? Yeah!

Trousers are already in existence to store your legs in. If...

It's not a huge leap.

They're not storing your legs your trousers. My point is...

I'm storing my legs! They're not a storage device, you knob.

"Ooh, where am I going to put these legs for the day?"

LAUGHTER Very good. Thank you, Greg.

Tick. Who's next? Baba.

I brought a biscuit tin.

LAUGHTER

Yeah. LAUGHTER CONTINUES

This, this thing is evil. Right?

Whenever you see this, you're like,

"Oh, my days, biscuits! I love biscuits.

"I love Danish butter cookies." And then, you open them.

Uh-oh. It's a sewing kit. LAUGHTER

I've got bad news for you. Right.

There's not a person in this room... OK.

..who doesn't come from a household where a biscuit tin has been

repurposed to store other things.

So, we all can agree... that I've won.

That it's a container... and is commonly used as such.

Cool! So, I've won. LAUGHTER

You were supposed to bring in the best item for keeping things in

that isn't just a regular item for keeping things in.

All right, my bad, I-I messed up.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

Rosie, what thing have you brought in to contain things in?

Why would you ever need a bag

when you have a bra?

Here it is, Rosie's bra.

LAUGHTER CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Is that...is that a chicken wing?

LAUGHTER

So, if you've got eyes,

you know that I have big bazookas.

He hasn't stopped talking about it the whole time.

LAUGHTER

So, I'll take whatever, I'll pop it in my bra.

I've even got something in my bra right now.

Ah, doing a riddle? Ah!

There you go. Thank you.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

One left, Greg. Andy. Yes.

What container have you brought in

that wouldn't normally be used as a container?

Er, well, Greg, I brought in a toilet.

Want to see it? There it is. I think... Oh...

I think we can agree that's, you know, it's a nice toilet, isn't it?

It's a lovely toilet. What are you storing in it, you weirdo?

LAUGHTER In a toilet!

It's a very, very flexible storage device.

Let's open her up.

LAUGHTER

And obviously, the cistern... Yeah.

..That's your prime storage area in your average toilet, I would say.

You see, you've got your filing...

LAUGHTER

You've got pens, er, and...

..a model of the 19th-cricketer WG Grace.

Yes, just to have a - to finish with a cricket reference.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I like it.

I can score these really easily. Ready? OK, who gets 1 point?

Who do you think? Baba.

Correct! OK.

Jack, 2 points. Rosie, 3 points.

Er, I enjoyed Andy's thing,

but I just think anyone who makes an effort to design

something like that... Mm-hm. ..put a loaf of bread in it,

she's got modelling skills. She's the full package.

She gets the 5 points, there we are. 4 to Andy, 5 to Emma Sidi!

There we go. CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Right, let's get going, let's have a proper task.

Oh, yes, please!

And this one is called Five, Six, Seven, Eight by Steps.

Hello, Emma. Er, h-hi. Oh.

Pardon? Yeah, hi.

Emma. Yeah.

Before you start... Yeah.

..please, can you give me your phone and put on that hat?

Give you my phone? And put on the hat. Oh.

Please, can you put that hat on, and give me your mobile telephone?

Right. LAUGHTER

Why?

I think you look good in a hat.

Thank you. OK.

There you go. Is that a mobile?

Yeah. Great.

LAUGHTER

Ah, that looks pretty good.

Yeah. I suit hats.

You really do. I'm lucky.

Is it one on, one in, one out? Oh, it's...OK.

Is that all right? Yeah.

Bow, come on.

Come, on bro, this is what I'm tryin' to say, bro.

I look good. LAUGHTER

"Walk exactly one furlong in exactly ten minutes.

"You may not make use of technology except to make

"three five-second phone calls.

"Also, you may not remove the hat.

"Closest to one furlong and ten minutes wins."

JACK GROANS

I don't know what a furlong is.

Do you know what a furlong is, Emma?

No.

I'm young!

So, that's 600 seconds.

Furlong is 220 yards.

That's...that's ten cricket pitches, Alex.

You don't need to be a rocket scientist to know that.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

EMMA: That is amazing, isn't it?

No lack of self-esteem, as usual, with our contestants.

Baba has spent the whole series announcing how good he looks.

LAUGHTER And I'm inclined to agree!

I've tried some of this positive thing.

I looked at myself in my pants just this morning in the mirror,

and I thought, "I'm going to try a Baba 'bow" when I look at it.

And I tried, and just the word "bleak" came out.

LAUGHTER But I like it.

Let's see some stuff.

They're allowed three five-second phone calls.

We're going to begin with three detectives.

Emma as Inspector Clouseau,

plus Detective Inspector Jack Dee Frost

and Lieutenant Frank Colum-baba.

Here we go. LAUGHTER

I don't know how long a furlong is.

But you said I can make three five-second calls.

And you didn't say I couldn't call the same person three times.

Let's get that.

Come on, bro, give me my phone.

If I phone my agent...

Mm-hm. Good agent?

Yeah, sh-she'll get me out of here if I ask her. Pardon?

PHONE LINE RINGS

VOICEMAIL: Hi, this is Fay.

Please leave me a message... OK...OK.

One of the main clients, do you think?

PHONE LINE RINGS JACK LAUGHS

Five seconds, remember. Yeah.

Pick up your phone, bro!

VOICEMAIL: Welcome to the EE voicemail... Oh! All right.

Call Mo Gilligan.

PHONE LINE RINGS

VOICEMAIL: Welcome to the O... Yeah. Call Giovan.

You definitely know these people? Yes!

I'm going to call my son.

PHONE LINE RINGS

Hello, you all right?

Miles, can you work out how long a furlong is?

I'm going to ring you back.

PHONE CALL ENDS

I'm going to give him a... a minute to find out. Hmm.

But then, he might ring me back, and that doesn't count

as a phone call, does it? Interesting. No.

EMMA: I'd like to call my mum,

but I'm worried that she'll also get worried about me.

Miles, did you hear? Yeah.

I need to... Er...

Oh. LAUGHTER

How long's a furlong?

EMMA'S MUM: Erm, eight, eight...

PHONE CALL ENDS LAUGHTER

Eight...eight.

Let me call her again. Third call, third call.

PHONE LINE RINGS This is it, Jack.

JACK'S SON: Hello? How long is a furlong?

How long is a furlong?

Call me back!

LAUGHTER

Oh! So, he ends up asking you how long a furlong was. Yeah!

Jamain! How long is a furlong?

And I'll call you back in five -

in a bit, I'll call you back.

Aight, call him back. Now? Yeah.

How long's a furlong, bro?

Hello? How long's a furlong?

A furlong? Yes!

Oh...d'oh!

All right, one more! Straight away?

Straight away, bro, we gotta get it!

Yeah, bro, quickly, quickly, quickly! How long's a furlong?!

220 yards, I think it is.

My guy! Let's go. APPLAUSE

Ah, he's called me back, so I can take that.

We agreed, I think.

Hi, M... It's 200 metres.

Oh, OK, thank you, Miles. Cheers. Yeah.

One, two, three, four, five, six, seven...

EMMA'S MUM: Hello? Eight what?

I think it's eight...eight miles?

No, that's a... PHONE CALL ENDS

SHE GROANS LOUDLY

So, that's all your phone calls.

Eight miles, yeah, right.

220 yards - I don't know how long a yard is.

HE LAUGHS

32, 33...

61, 62, 63, 64...

54, 55, 56...

Write this down, yeah? Yeah.

The first person in life didn't know anything.

He had to, you know what I'm saying, work it out,

so therefore, always be willing to work things out.

You get what I'm saying?

How far have you walked?

I don't know. No.

Er...OK, OK, that's it.

I'm saying that's ten minutes.

Stop the clock - that was ten minutes. OK.

I'm going to stop.

That's the end of it, is it? Yeah, that's it. Sorry, yes. OK.

I should say, that's the end of it. Yeah. Yeah.

Anti-climax.

Yeah. Cheers.

Cheers, Jack.

APPLAUSE

What's your theory, Baba?

The first person who discovered anything had to start somewhere,

so you're...?

I might've said that. LAUGHTER

If you play it back, you'll understand the wisdom that I hold.

The wisdom of Baba. You know what I'm saying?

He wrote down - you wrote down a lot of my quotes didn't you?

Yeah, you said that dirty baths make you itchy.

That's all I've written down. There you go.

Jack was the only person to work out that you could get a call back -

which paid dividends. Yeah.

EMMA: I have a problem with that. That's technology.

That's still using technology to answer the call, isn't it?

Well, you're right I did say you can't use technology except

to make three phone calls, but then, the phone rang,

and it was his son, and it might have been an emergency.

LAUGHTER

I think picking up a phone is using tech.

Yeah. You always say that.

LAUGHTER

You did also look at your watch and claim that,

"It's not technology it's decorative."

LAUGHTER Is this tech?

It's not a Brussel sprout... on your wrist, is it?

I'm also impressed by how confident you are that your gait

is exactly one metre, as well. It is.

Oh, fine. LAUGHTER

So, no more discussion on that, it is. Confident.

Well, look, I can tell you they had to try to get exactly ten minutes

and exactly one furlong.

Emma, you were exactly 11 minutes, not bad.

What? 262 yards - 42 yards over.

OK. Jack, eight minutes, ten seconds.

But slightly closer to the furlong - 40 yards short.

Baba, you were only 23 yards over,

and you finished walking in nine minutes, 57 seconds.

Whoa!

AUDIENCE OOHS APPLAUSE

Yeah, whoa!

Sometimes, a man just has to be the first to do it

in a certain way.

LAUGHTER

Settle down, everyone!

Sh!

WHISPERING: It's break time.

LAUGHTER CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Welcome again! You've come back just at the right time!

The current task involves having

to walk exactly one furlong in exactly ten minutes.

So, here we go, for the final furlongs,

it's Andy and Rosie.

One, two, three, four...

Ten runs. So, er...

Oh, hang on, I-I've gotta count those already.

Six, seven, eight...

..21, 22...

Are you going to do this for ten minutes?

..23, 24...

Alex. Yes.

Could you get me some cricket stumps, please?

I want to maybe get a couple of runs on the board early on. So...

One, two, three, four, five...

Two minutes, is it? ..six, seven, eight, nine...

You think that's a furlong? ..ten.

I know you measure horses...

Yes. ..in that, and that feels like a good horsey gallop.

Hmm. LAUGHTER

How many runs have you got now, Andy?

Well, that's, er... oh, I've lost count now.

37, 38... Do you want to make any phone calls?

No, I think I'm all right.

Cup of tea or anything? Yeah!

Five minutes - we're halfway!

We're halfway, great stuff. LAUGHTER

This is my last step.

Done.

Five, four, three, two, now!

Here.

Right, thank you. There's your tea.

Could you put that in my dressing room?

The tea? Thank you.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

I mean, I don't want to keep going on about it, Andy,

but I just don't think you ever are really thinking about anything

except for cricket. LAUGHTER

I mean, was there any attempt to do the task?

The thing is, when you're batting,

you've just gotta focus on every ball.

Even in his answer, he drags us back to cricket!

It's an illness. LAUGHTER

It's an illness. But what an illness!

Yeah! It was not a bad tactic, though, I'd say,

he got nine runs, which...

..the length of a cricket pitch is a tenth of a furlong,

so he didn't end up far off a furlong.

Oh. Hmm. And the minutes?

Er, less good, but not too bad - eight minutes, 45.

And 23 yards short of a furlong.

So, at the moment, second place.

You! LAUGHTER

I'm a fucking idiot.

LAUGHTER CONTINUES

I knew a furlong is something to do with horses.

And you felt that those few feet from the podium to the middle

of the lawn was, and I quote,

"a good horsey gallop."

It was!

How did she do? Her time-keeping, not bad.

Ten minutes, 25 seconds.

Only a little bit over. Wow! CHEERING

But distance-wise, she was -

well, she did 24 steps, which is about one

furlong less than a furlong.

LAUGHTER

So, that means it's 1 point to Rosie, 2 to Jack, 3 to Emma,

4 to Andy, but 5 to Babatunde!

Babatunde wins! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Can I see some scores?

Yes. I'm going to update you on the series scores.

Rosie, you're last at the moment, with 114 points,

but only 8 points behind Emma, who's on 122.

3 behind Baba, on 125.

Jack's on 132,

Andy now in the lead, on 134.

AUDIENCE OOHS APPLAUSE

Must be time for another task. It is!

You're punctual, I'm functional,

and together, we're the perfect couple.

So, let's look, Greg, at some good, clean art.

Hmm.

Hey. Hey.

Hey.

We meet again. We meet again.

Who's stepped on this?

Yeah, that was me. I'm so sorry.

What's going on, bro? It's not like you.

Yeah, it's got a... a footprint on it.

Hmm, that's a shame.

Just wonder what went wrong there.

"Clean the most profound picture

"of majestic nature on a dirty thing."

That's...I don't even understand what that means.

Did you write that?

Greg Davies... Of course. ..writes the tasks.

Really lovely.

BABA: So, I just need to clean something that's dirty?

But you've gotta clean a picture into it.

Ohh!

Can I choose a dirty thing?

Absolutely, you can make a dirty thing.

SHE SNICKERS

LAUGHTER

"You have 20 minutes.

"Your time starts now."

This is too clean in here, so I'm just going to...

..have a think somewhere else.

And by "think," I don't mean...

..do a poo. All right!

LAUGHTER

Quick.

APPLAUSE

When I first head of this task, I thought,

"Well, Jones will probably do something in shit"...

LAUGHTER

..straight away, but I was disappointed that

you joined the poo party.

Cheeky ladies. Cheeky.

Cheeky pooing ladies - what a film!

LAUGHTER

So, there might be poo involved.

That was a disappointing follow-up to There will be Blood.

LAUGHTER

Right, I want to see some grubby art...

Right. ..immediately.

Here comes a grubby old montage.

LAUGHTER

Found something dirty.

Found it...out the back of your garden.

EMMA: Right this is... dirty as sin.

ROSIE: I made a dirty plate.

Seems quite ambitious, your plan.

JACK: It is very ambitious. Yeah.

But that's me all over.

DRAMATIC CHORUS MUSIC PLAYS

All right.

CROW CAWS

OK.

Oh, it's not a good start.

I'm going to clean Italy... into this dismembered mannequin.

JACK: Usually, this kind of thing happens on the back of a van,

doesn't it? You get - I wish my wife was this dirty.

Oh, that's quite fun. You know, oh, it's hilarious.

Yeah. It always makes me laugh.

You ever been to, er, New Zealand?

Yes. Are you painting New Zealand?

I haven't been.

But I imagine that it's stunning.

Right. So, I guess, yes, I am.

What's my better side?

That...or that?

Definitely the second. Right.

That's good.

Yeah, that's comin' out, that's comin' out.

AUDIENCE EXCLAIMS

Oh...that's lovely.

EMMA VOCALISES HAUNTINGLY

There's rivers in Italy, aren't there?

Mountains.

EMMA CONTINUES SINGING

It's the music of splendid nature.

Mount Etna.

You're cleaning with hot sauce. Yes.

JACK: That's a lamp, and there's just fog everywhere.

Yeah.

APPLAUSE

Another act of incredible arrogance from Rosie Jones.

Your instinct to show the majestic force of nature

is to get an imprint of your own face.

LAUGHTER It's incredible, isn't it?

Er, Emma's beautiful nature song...

Hmm. ..I was very touched by.

Yeah. I-I'm hoping we can employ that when we reveal everyone's art.

OK. OK, you want to see your first dirty picture?

Yeah. OK, so we're looking for the most profound picture of

majestic nature in a dirty thing.

Let's start in the caravan with Jack's masterpiece.

LAUGHTER

Would you like me to add music?

Yeah, I think that's what'll save it. OK.

RECORDING OF EMMA SINGING LAUGHTER

Sorry, do you mind not laughing? I'm trying to...

I'm trying to look at some art here.

EMMA'S SINGING CONTINUES It's a lamp on the right-hand side.

It's the setting moon behind

the Tower Bridge on the left-hand side. Ohh.

See. Yeah. Erm...

I mean, I've gotta say, everyone instinctively laughed

when they saw it, but I don't think it's bad.

Thank you. I knew what it was.

Emma's haunting song took me back.

I imagined myself one of the cockle children of the Thames.

LAUGHTER

They, er, were they a thing? The cockle children?

They were big rivals of the Chuckle Brothers in the early days.

LAUGHTER CONTINUES

Right, who's next?

We're now going to see Andy's profound picture of majestic nature.

This is what he did.

LAUGHTER

EMMA: That is toxic. BABA: That looks so wrong. Yeah.

I mean, I'm not going to be able to sum this up better than

Emma just has under her breath.

"That is toxic." Is that what you said? Yeah.

LAUGHING: Well, as is a lot of you know Italian history.

Got mountains, it's got the River Tiber there with...

I think Rome was the duck.

The duck, you called, "Il Ducky."

Mussolini's nickname was Il Duce, so that's... Oh, yeah.

..that's what that's referring to. LAUGHTER

And the head with... hot sauce all over it?

That's Sicily with Mount Etna.

Is covering a dismembered leg with crap cleaning the leg?

Well, the river was made of some sort of squeezy cleaning fluid,

and the bubbles from the Fairy Liquid.

Admittedly, the hot sauce isn't generally used as

an external cleaning fluid. LAUGHTER

But... Generally.

Actually, if you just down a bottle of hot sauce in a couple of days,

you'll be as good as new. Right. LAUGHTER

I-I've actually started liking it.

Right. Have you?

I mean, that happens, doesn't it,

if you stare at something long enough, I guess? Yeah.

I mean, I think it's shit.

LAUGHTER

OK, ready to see Baba's effort?

Yeah. Well, Baba cleaned this scene into our dirty driveway.

LAUGHTER

BABA LAUGHS What do you think it is?

It's a...it's a magic wishing tree.

Yeah, well, yes.

But inspired by my love for the Jackson 5.

As you can see, the afro

at the top of the tree.

I thought it was nuclear war.

LAUGHTER

Are you saying this is a combination of...

..between a tree and one of the Jackson 5?

LAUGHTER

You can see the genius in this, can't you?

Can I suggest a title? Yes, please.

A-B-Tree.

A-B-Tree, look at that. There you go.

APPLAUSE It's as simple as that.

Right! It's break time.

A chance to make a cup of tea and relax.

Alex, go and get my blanket!

Really? No. Not the Dutch oven.

Yes, the Dutch oven!

I've been eating lentils!

See you in a bit. CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

RECORDING OF EMMA'S HAUNTING VOCALISING PLAYS

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Hello, thank you!

Welcome back! It's part three,

and I'm in the middle of critiquing some majestic artwork.

Correct! The most profound picture of majestic nature

cleaned onto a dirty thing.

That was their commission.

And now, it's time for Rosie's dirty protest.

ROSIE: OK. LAUGHTER

To the right is my long, luscious hair.

And then, to the left is

my lips and chin.

EMMA: Is it chocolate spread?

ROSIE SNICKERS

LAUGHTER

It is what you want it to be.

JACK: Hmm. I want it to be over.

LAUGHTER

It's not as awful as I first thought.

The more I stared at it, I did think it has a certain quality.

OK. Well there's one more to see, Greg.

We now have the singer herself - finally, here is Emma's artwork.

Here we go.

JACK: Oh, that's lovely. BABA: Wow!

Very nice. My God.

That is good.

And that's before we've put any music on it.

RECORDING OF EMMA'S HAUNTING VOCALISING PLAYS

It's good. Actually looks like New Zealand.

EMMA SINGS ALONG TO RECORDING I imagine myself on a mountain.

My whole life before me.

Well, Emma bloody hell. It's incredible.

How'd you - what did you clean that into?

Well, I-I am genuinely surprised,

because I made such an error.

I wanted a really dirty piece of paving stone,

but I accidentally picked a square of actual mud.

LAUGHTER

But I brought in, like, blue washing-up liquid,

some green washing-up liquid, made some froth, and then,

eventually, I guess it did start to come together, yeah.

Yeah. Although it could do with a...

..some sort of, you know, echo of historical atrocities in it which...

LAUGHTER It-It would be lovely to see someone

goose-stepping across the mountains, wouldn't it?

Well, look, Greg, I'll put all five up for you,

then you can score away.

Y-You know, I'm not especially moved by yours, Andy, by your...

But you're not insulting me,

you're insulting the entire nation of Italy.

So be it! LAUGHTER

Tell you what I'm going to do. OK.

I'll give Andy 2 points. Ah!

LAUGHTER And that's purely for his ambition.

I'm going to give Rosie Jones 3 points.

3 to Rosie. Jack and Babatunde are dealing

with very different subject matters.

I'll give them both 4 points. 4 to Jack and Baba.

Yeah, but there's no point that celebrated-in-dirt New Zealand wins.

Emma takes 5 points.

Congratulations, Emma Sidi, there we go. Ah!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Whoo!

How about a team task, young fellow, m'lad?

Ooh, yes, please, I love a team task.

I also love a gutter!

I love a cow, and I love balls.

LAUGHTER

JACK: All righty. ROSIE: Oh!

Mind the pineapple. Where?

That one. Oh.

Emma, Baba, Andy.

ANDY: Alex.

Hello!

Yes, hello guys.

Oh, hello. Hello, yeah, there's a task there. Yeah.

BABA: I've gotta be careful I-I don't want to...

EMMA: Be very careful. Yeah.

ROSIE: Careful, so you do it. Oh, OK.

"Place all the balls in the gutter,

"and the gutter on the cow.

JACK: Right, I think the gutter is that we saw on the way out.

And that thing. And then, get the gutter on the cow.

BABA: "The gutter must not enter the dome.

"You must not use anything floppy during your attempt.

"You must not use anything floppy during your attempt."

So, that means you can't just put them in a bag.

No. You can't do that.

"For every ball you touch,

"one minute will be added to your time.

"For every ball that touches the floor,

"ten minutes will be added to your time.

"The task is over when the full gutter of balls

"is balancing by itself on the cow.

"Fastest wins. Your time starts now."

What?! OK, right. THEY LAUGH

It's tough for me, that.

APPLAUSE

Well, we've seen the teams in action before,

and this should be a disaster.

LAUGHTER Erm, shall we?

OK, well, let's begin with the team of two, shall we?

This is Rosie and Jackie.

Do we lie the cow down?

I like your thinking.

Yeah, boy! There we go.

Tip that cow!

Ooh. Yeah, big cow!

Move it.

Are we nearly there? We're very nearly there. Right.

I like this.

Let's see if that... that's about right.

You think that's flat? Yeah.

I'll go to the kitchen. Find me a pair of tongs.

Plenty of tongs in the kitchen.

We're nailing it!

HE GROANS

The kitchen's got a padlock on it.

Oh, is it padlocked? Yeah, it's padlocked, actually.

That's annoying.

Thank you for that tone of surprise that you gave us there.

Shall we...? I'm going to look in the shed.

OK!

Fill that with balls... Yeah. ..without touching.

That'll just stop 'em falling. OK.

OK, come on, then. Let's give it a go.

We're doing it.

Right.

Let's - well, let's... this is a trial run.

BUZZER Oh, you've dropped that one.

YOU dropped that one.

OK, I'll have a go. Slowly.

Ah! BUZZER

That's not too bad.

More slowly.

OK.

Did you tip 'em in too quickly is...

BUZZER Oh. Oh, fuck.

LAUGHTER

Slow!

Yeah! FLATLY: Yes.

We're on a streak. We're on a winning streak. Yes!

Come on, let's do it!

Bit of team work.

Yes!

BUZZER No!

Another one on the floor.

I've been crap.

No! No. BUZZER

Oops.

BUZZER Oh, sorry.

Yeah, baby!

These are the last ones.

Finished.

That's it. We nailed that, Jackie.

We did! We did.

My man.

My boy.

My hero.

LAUGHTER AUDIENCE AWWS

APPLAUSE "My man, my boy, my hero."

How would you describe the team dynamic?

It's quite bickery, isn't it?

Yeah, but we get shit done.

LAUGHTER

Rosie tends to either blame other people for failure,

or to celebrate it.

It was her dropping the balls, though, right.

It was both of us. It was... Er...

AUDIENCE AWWS We-We're a double act...Nice.

EMMA: No, it was definitely both of you.

Yeah, yeah.

Sorry, the way you were putting balls into that curly pipe...

All right, mate, all right!

LAUGHTER

Bloody hell. Yeah.

In many ways, watching you over the series has been like

watching a couple who've been married for 50 years.

There was a lot of noise from Rosie,

and there's a lot of this from Jack.

HE STRAINS LOUDLY

LAUGHTER

LOUDLY GROANS

But you do get shit done.

ROSIE: And the love is still there.

AUDIENCE AWWS It is, it is.

Is it? Oh, yeah.

Is it, Jack?

HE SIGHS LOUDLY

LAUGHTER

Right, that's it! One part to go.

Rosie's put a bra full of old chicken into the prize pot -

and yet, they all still play to win.

We'll see you back here soon.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

RECORDING OF EMMA'S HAUNTING VOCALISING PLAYS

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Hello, everyone, and well done!

You've made it to part four.

Alex, can you please bring us

up to speed with the current team task?

'Sup, G-Frame?

Yeah, the team task is simple.

They need to place all the balls in the gutter,

and the gutter on the cow.

Just the team of three to go.

Here's how Andy, Baba, and bossy old Emma got on.

LAUGHTER

ANDY: Right, but you can't touch the balls.

So, what're we supposed to do?

Well, you can pop them in here, that's not floppy.

You can pop the balls in the helmet. SHE GASPS

Fantastic! Man like Andy!

Let's go, bro.

So, what we moving? We moving this bad...?

OK. Come on, move this cow near the dome.

She's called Linda.

Oh! That's weirdly heavy.

Well, you're carrying most of it.

Don't body-shame Linda. But I'm just stuck here.

Are we allowed to attach it to the cow?

It does say "balance". By itself. Balance...

That looks pretty... That looks really good.

Solid. Yeah.

We could just get some tongs from the kitchen. Tongs.

Tongs from the kitchen. All right.

I think the tongs is a really great... Ah!

EMMA GASPS Oh, they're so evil!

EMMA LAUGHS They are so evil.

Oh, no, no, no, no!

No, no, no, no, no! I know! I know!

BABA CACKLES

Found it, yeah, I've got it!

In your faces! How did you see that?

You saw it and you went in... Cos I'm a genius!

This is what I'm trying to tell you. Oh, my God!

I'm obsessed with my team!

Right, come on.

What, you just saw it on the floor? Yeah, I did.

SILVERWARE CLATTERS

OK.

That's probably enough. What's the tongs for?

You want a tennis balls rolling down there.

Oh, I got you!

You're a genius, bro. Come on. Right, OK.

Careful does it, careful...

Oh, I can sort of do it at the same time. Yeah.

You've gotta chill.

Let's do this first, then we'll... OK, that's a good idea.

Go from the middle, maybe?

You've each got your roles.

Yeah. What's your role, Baba?

Mine, I-I hold the balls.

And Emma? Well, I'm just sort a supervisor, I reckon.

OK. And if it stops balancing at one point,

I'll be there to go, "Hey".

LAUGHTER

Right.

Well, it's all looking pretty good.

LAUGHTER

Right. Brilliant.

Nearly there. We're there, we're going to win this.

All right. Yo, bro. Chill out, my guy.

Yeah, yeah.

Bro, you got a space right here. That's it!

Stop the clock! Come on!

I have stopped the clock.

That was wonderful to watch.

Thank you. Brilliant, really, really, really awesome.

Yeah, yeah, come on. Come on. My guy.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

What a journey this team's been on...

EMMA: Yeah. ..over this series. Yes.

It was very bonding, this exercise, for us.

It was excellent. Thank you.

Do you want to tell me some stuff?

So, the team of two did it pretty quickly.

You do get ten minutes added on for every ball that touched the floor.

Can you tell us how many?

There were six balls that struck the floor,

so that is an extra hour. But...

EMMA AND BABA CHORTLE

Oh, funny, isn't it? Isn't it funny?

ROSIE: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah! LAUGHTER

They took one hour, 19 minutes, and 16 seconds.

Plays eight minutes, the team of three. Eight minutes.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

They were nine-and-a-half times slower -

that's the difference between the speed of a cheetah

and a running duck. LAUGHTER

Points-wise, they obviously get 5, but how many?

They did complete the task.

Well, there's gotta be a gulf, if there's that big a time gulf.

Yes. Tell me the times again.

The team of three, with six good arms -

eight minutes, 21, actually, if that changes anything.

And the team of two - one hour, 19 minutes, and 16 seconds.

BABA: H-Hold on, hold on.

W-W-What's all of this, you've just, wi-with, six good arms...

ROSIE: BABA!

I've got fucking cerebral palsy!

UPROARIOUS LAUGHTER

You picked a curly pipe!

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

5 points to this team, 3 points to that team. OK.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE OK. That's it.

OK, floppy balls, let's see the scoreboard!

Well, the team of three are dominating.

Andy and Baba both have 15 points,

but in the lead, it's Emma, with 18 points.

CHEERING

OK, everyone, can you stay where you are and get ready

for the final task of the show!

APPLAUSE

VOICE CRACKS: Hello! LAUGHTER

What's the task?

Well, Emma Sidi's going to tell us the task. Emma Sidi.

"Predict whether each item will float or not float.

"If you are right, you get a point.

"Most points wins."

Simple!

There are ten items. Ten items.

Each time, Greg will hold one up.

You hold up the paddle which says either "float" or "not float".

Lovely. Why doesn't it say "sink", instead of "not float"?

We printed them before remembering there was the opposite of float.

LAUGHTER Good answer.

Greg, what's the first item?

ANGELIC CHORUS SINGS And I present...

A cactus. Float or not float.

AUDIENCE AND EMMA OOHS

DING Float!Float!

APPLAUSE I present...

A milkshake. Ooh!

SULTRILY: I demonstrate.

LAUGHTER

AUDIENCE OOHS

DING Ah! Float!

It's a fake...shake.

Fuck you!

LAUGHTER

Item number three.

Little duckie. It's going to be a trick.

Is it a trick, Jack, or is it just a classic rubber duck?

I hope it's a trick, cos it will be more interesting.

LAUGHTER And predict! Let's see.

Godspeed, little duck.

BUZZER CHEERING

I present...

A lime!

I don't even know if a lime does float.

In real life.

Well, this is - we'll find out. Yeah.

AUDIENCE OOHS

BUZZER She sinks!

APPLAUSE

L'orange.

AUDIENCE OOHS

DING They float, for God's sake!

Limes are more dense than oranges,

and more dense than water. What?!

LAUGHTER A second duck.

All "float" - except for Rosie Jones. For Rosie Jones.

You bank on two fake heavy ducks.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

AUDIENCE OOHS

DING She swims.

APPLAUSE

HE PLAYS MELODY

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

DING

Yeah! Brilliant! CHEERING

A house brick. Ohh!

See you at the Baftas.

LAUGHTER

Wow.

AUDIENCE OOHS

BUZZER

It's a brick! OK, just two items left.

An egg. This is a lovely twist.

This is about the freshness of the egg.

It's about the freshness of the egg.

They've all gone "float".

AUDIENCE OOHS

BUZZER They are all wrong!

You are all wrong! All wrong.

All wrong! You are all wrong!

OK! LAUGHTER

And finally...

DRAMATIC CHORUS SINGS

Oh, plot twist!

Bad egg or good egg?

Baba thinks it's a different type of egg.

AUDIENCE OOHS

BUZZER It's just another egg, Baba!

LAUGHTER Let's add all this up and

see how it affects the final score!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Sink or float. A modern classic.

Yes, it looked like Andy was going to do a clean sweep.

He really knew the density of objects.

Well, that's what comes with watching a lot of cricket.

LAUGHTER

He gets 5 points. 4 to Jack, in second.

The others get away with coming joint third

to get 3 points each.

It is very tight.

There's only 1 point in it at the top.

Andy has 20 points, but in the lead - and winning the episode -

is Emma, with 21 points! Oh! Wow!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Emma Sidi wins!

Please canter up to collect your unconventional containers!

BABA WHOOPS

So, what have we learnt today?

We've learnt that sometimes, you can get caught up in

the mundanity of everyday life.

Maybe you have to get the kids to school,

maybe you have an office job which isn't fulfilling at the moment.

But we all have the ability to take ourselves away from it, just stop.

Step out, go into nature and breathe it in.

EMMA'S HAUNTING VOCALISING PLAYS

LAUGHTER HAUNTING VOCALISING CONTINUES

Is that...

Is that the Jackson 5?

LAUGHTER

That's it, then, just the grand final to go.

But to see it out, here she is, the winner of episode nine,

Emma Sidi! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Subtitles by Red Bee Media