Original subtitles

(upbeat music)

(hammering)

(glass breaking)

- Hey, Doc, what the hell's going on in there?

- Church, everything's fine.

The patient is just resting.

- Doesn't sound like he's resting.

- That's not Tucker.

That's our new arrival.

- Blarg!

- He's got a lot of energy since his first feeding.

- Tucker fed the baby?

Gross.

- Actually, Caboose was kind enough to donate some blood.

You know what they say, it takes a village.

- How'd you get him to agree to that?

- It's amazing what Caboose will do if you promise him a

cookie and a glass of orange juice.

- Blarg! Honk!

- But he hates needles.

- No needles.

It turns out if you just expose some bare skin, the

little guy just digs right in.

It's like a miracle to see nature at work.

- I feel dizzy.

- Um, is he going to be OK?

- Tucker's kid drank half a gallon in one go.

Isn't that cool?

- Honk.

- I think he's going to be a linebacker.

Or a vampire.

Or a vampire linebacker!

That would be crazy.

- Oooh.

- Anyway, blood is pretty important, so Caboose is bound

to have some side effects, like dizziness or nausea or

sensitivity to light.

- I think I'm going to stop standing up now.

- Or passing out.

- Church, if I die, I want you to have my orange juice.

(Junior shouting)

- How can Tucker sleep with all that racket?

- Sleeping? He's not sleeping.

He's in a coma.

- All right, that's it. Get out of the way, Doc.

I'll take care of this.

- I can't feel my torso.

- I don't think so.

A newborn is really susceptible to infection and

disease and cuddling.

I only want to expose it to as few people as possible.

- Doc, don't worry.

I'm not going to give it a cold.

I'm just going to go in there, step on its neck,

and shoot it in the head.

Because that's how I roll.

- Well now you're definitely not coming in.

And I think we're going to send back your shower gift,

too.

- I'm still laying here.

Why won't anyone help me?

- I'll tell you what.

I promise to wash my hands before I destroy the

abomination of nature, OK?

- Sorry.

- Doc, seriously, you can't keep me from going

inside my own base.

- Church, don't make me pull rank on you.

- Rank? What the fuck?

I outrank, you don't outrank me.

I'm a captain.

- No, you're a private with a dead captain.

The last time I checked, that makes you a private.

With a dead captain.

- My body is trying to die.

- OK, fine. Then we're both privates.

You don't outrank me.

- No, I'm medical super-private, first class.

- That's not a real rank.

- Yes, it is.

- Since when?

- Uh, since I sent them a letter every day for four

years requesting that promotion.

- Blarg!

- They promoted you for that?

You haven't even used your weapon!

- Leadership isn't about firing bullets and

stabbing people, Church.

Leadership is about being able to tell others

to fire bullets and stab people.

- If I've been bitten, does that mean I'm going to turn

into one of them?

- Shut up, Caboose.

- Blarg.

- Shut up, Caboose.

- Oh no, don't let me turn.

(crashing noise)

- What the hell was that?

- I didn't feel anything.

- I'll be right back.

Don't feed anymore of our soldiers to the alien.

- OK, but I can't make any promises.

- Don't leave me with the horrible doctor.

- Oh, shut up, Caboose.

- Now he's cursing at me.

- Simmons, status report (coughing).

- Um, an enormous thing just fell out of the sky, and it

landed on Donut, sir.

- (cough) Are there any other injuries?

- No, sir.

- Are you sure?

- I think so.

- Are you sure?

No one accidentally got shot in the face when someone

else's shotgun just accidentally went off during

the incredible distraction of a spaceship crash landing,

purely by coincidence?

- Uh, I don't know-

- No one orange?

- Ugh, I'm fine.

- Sorry, sir.

- I really need to adjust

the sights on this thing.

- What about Private Donut, sir?

There's no way he survived that.

Poor Donut.

I'll miss him like a sister.

- I'll miss him like,

well, like someone I knew, but that I don't really want to

reflect on how deep our relationship went.

(tapping) - Wait a second.

Do you hear that? It sounds like tapping.

- All I hear is you guys talking about your

feelings for Donut.

And I have to say, I'm not really comfortable with that.

- Listen. There it is again.

- You're absolutely right.

That sounds like Morris code.

- Um, excuse me, sir.

It's actually not Morris code.

It's Morse code, sir.

- Morse?

(laughing) That sounds ridiculous.

I don't think so.

- Yes.

Morse is the person who developed an international

code for communicating without audio.

Morris was a television cat that sold cat food.

- And that cat was one of our finest military minds.

Don't you see?

That just means Donut is alive and trying to contact us.

Now get to tapping.

- Maybe we can lift the ship off of him somehow.

- Great idea, Simmons.

I've read reports that people can get enormous strength in

stressful situations.

There was one woman who lifted a car off her baby.

- You want me to call Donut's mother?

- Don't make me angry, Grif.

You wouldn't like me when I'm angry.

Now if only there were some way to tap into our inner

rage, like that Hulk fella.

Dagnabbit, there's never any gamma radiation around when

you need it.

- Well, what if we tried getting into the ship and

lowering the landing gear?

That might raise the ship.

- Or we could build an army of clones that could lift the

ship.

- I think the jack in the Warthog might be able to lift

it.

- Could develop a machine that shrinks the ship, or that

makes Donut gigantic!

Or both.

- Or we could try digging underneath the hull.

- I've got it!

A levitation ray.

I think I have a spare in the base.

I'll be right back.

- But sir!

- Simmons, there's no time to chat about

your crackpot theories.

This is a crisis situation.

Time to save us all with science.

- (sigh) Sarge just drove away with our jack, didn't he?

- And our shovels.

Sometimes I'm amazed our entire platoon hasn't starved

to death.

- What the fuck are you guys doing out here, breaking the

canyon?

- Fuck off, Blue.

A ship just crashed on one of our guys.

- What, this ship?

- No, another ship.

Then that ship left, and this ship crashed in

the exact same spot.

- Where did it come from?

- It's a spaceship.

It came from space.

- Dibs. - What?

- Dibs.

I just called dibs.

This is my ship now.

Dibs. - No it isn't, jackass.

We found it first.

- Yeah, but you didn't call dibs.

I did. Dibs.

See?

- You can't call dibs on a spaceship.

That's ridiculous.

- Yeah, yes I can.

Dibs. See?

I just did it again.

Now, get the fuck away from my ship, tomato can.

- Don't call me tomato can.

- Try and take it, then.

- Um, OK.

Sheila?

- You bet.

- Fuck.

- You forgot about that, too, didn't you?

- Yeah, kinda.

- Now step away from the ship, tomato can.

- Ha ha, tomato can.

- You, too, lemon head.

- Hey, I'm orange, not yellow!

(laughing)

(tapping)

- What the hell is that tapping noise?

It sounds like Morris code.

- Morse.

- Sheila, if he corrects me again, please make him blow up.

- Ha ha, sounds like fun.

- Well, what does it say?

- It says "tap tap tap." We don't know.

- We were trying to translate it when you showed up and

interrupted us.

- No, when I interrupted you, you were standing around doing

nothing, just like the last 50 times I interrupted you guys.

(tapping)

- Oh, wait, wait, wait. Listen, listen.

Listen.

It says, "Red sucks balls."

Hey, look, my new ship can talk.

And it knows things. That's a good ship.

- It's not your ship. It's our ship.

We called it, and it came.

- I don't know. I don't see any markings on it.

- It landed on Donut.

- That was fantastic.

- How in the heck would that mean, oh, wait, the pink guy?

Oh, I actually liked him.

- Seriously, what's with all these feelings for Donut?

- You can't have the ship.

- I'm not asking for it.

It's already mine.

Right, Sheila?

- Actually, I kind of like it.

I think it is mine.

- Hey, are you OK?

- I think there's something wrong with the tank.

- Yeah, I noticed.

- I've got an idea.

- Whoa. Hold on a second.

Before you get too deep into this, let me remind you that

we don't exactly have a good track record when it comes to

our plans and that tank.

- Come on, Grif.

I think the tank's malfunctioning.

- Well, only one part of it has to function for me to get

turned into a cloud of orange mist.

- OK, just be cool.

- I am cool. You be cool.

- Bad news, fellas.

I couldn't find that levitation ray.

But I did find the remote control to, hey, what's going

on out here?

What do you think you're doing, you lousy Blue?

- I'm just trying to figure out what the deal is with this

spaceship.

- Dibs! - Too late.

- Dagnabbit.

Why do ever leave you two to guard anything?

Everybody knows about the international dibs protocol!

And the no take-backs accord.

- See, guys? This is our ship.

And by ours, I mean mine and my 80-ton friend.

- Bye, everyone.

- Um-

(guns cocking)

- I'm gonna be right back.

(Sheila laughing)

- Hey, Blue! You know that ship you called dibs on?

Well, I got next.

Ha!

Now the ship is mine again!

- Excellent strategy, sir.

- Jesus. Remember we used to solve problems with violence?

Ah, the good old days.

- Caboose, where's Doc?

- Doc left.

Took the baby for a walk.

It's growing up so fast.

Seems like just yesterday, he was born.

- Well, actually, that's because he was born today.

Like, an hour ago.

- We need to cherish these times.

I wish I knew how to scrapbook.

- Where's Tucker? - Still in a coma.

- Great.

Tucker's out, Sheila's on the fritz, and now Doc is

babysitting.

Caboose, if we survive the next five minutes, I'll be

fucking amazed.

- I'm fine, by the way.

Don't worry about me.

I'm so cold.

- Quit your yammering.

Now let's see if we can get this thing moving.

I was thinking about our discussion earlier, and-

- And you decided to use one of my ideas?

- Of course not.

I've got a new, much more realistic plan

for lifting the ship.

If Donut is underneath, all we need to do is enrage him to

the point where he can lift the ship,

and our work is done.

Now quick, help me think.

What would make Donut furious?

- I don't know.

Have you tried sharing your plan with him?

That'd probably do it.

- Hey, Donut.

I was back at the base, reading some of

your fashion mags.

They said that pink is no longer the new black.

Turns out black is the new black, and pink is the old

black, which is now white.

And it's after Labor Day.

You know what that means.

- Oh, dear god.

- Also, we needed to do some minor rust repairs on the

Warthog's drivetrain.

The bad news is that the only lubricants I could find were

your imported hand creams.

The good news is, the jeep now smells like lilacs.

Rusty metal lilacs.

- This has got to be the-

- Yeah, this doesn't seem to be working.

All right, time for Plan B.

- Break into the ship and see if we can raise it-

- No, Plan B is to try to induce superpowers in Grif.

Simmons, get my jar of radioactive

spiders out of the Warthog.

Come here, Grif. I need to borrow your neck.

(metallic scraping)

- Did you just hear that?

- Mayor of Burbank! Plan A is working!

Quick, Grif, give me a list

of the latest celebrity breakups!

Simmons, help me out!

- Hey, Donut, I heard they canceled daytime television.

- Hey, Donut, command called.

They rejected your new definition for "fire in the hole."

They're gonna stick with the old one.

- Oh, Donut, I heard that the Winter Olympics is gonna focus

even more on snowboarding next time.

- I can't take this.

I'm gonna go watch some football.

- Grif's been using your paisley thong as a slingshot.

- Hey, Doc.

We got problems, man.

I need to call command.

Hello?

Earth to Doc?

I mean, this place to Doc.

- Don't you want to say hello to our new friend?

- What?

- Hawp?

- I don't-

I- I can't-

I can't- I don't-

this is-

- Take your time.

This is a big moment.

- Blarg.

- I can't deal with this right now.

- Hah. - Shut up. You're disgusting.

Doc, what is Vic's number?

- What for?

- For reinforcements.

Wait, unless you've had, like,

specialized combat training in the last 10 minutes.

- Uh, nope.

- Then yeah, reinforcements.

- Well, I did just change a dirty diaper.

- That doesn't count.

- I don't know.

It was a real doozy.

Number two.

- Doc, focus.

Vic's number, what is it?

- Come on, Church.

Everybody remembers Vic's number.

Didn't he ever teach you the song?

- Oh, right.

Vic's jingle.

- If you want to talk, don't email, and don't

you click, click, click, click.

Just call me up at 555-V-I-C-K.

- You know, it probably would have been more

memorable if it rhymed,

or if his name actually ended in a K.

- Oh, music is a great way to learn things.

That's how I studied for the MCAT.

- You passed the MCAT?

- (laughing) Not even close.

But you should really hear my rendition of the Kelly

Clarkson song "Miss Independence."

It teaches you all about the lymphatic systems.

Dome dah dome, lymphatic system.

- Hey, shut up. I'm on the phone.

- Honk.

- And do me a favor. Kill that fucking thing, would you?

- Blarg.

- Hey, dude. Vic.

- Hey, it's Church.

- This is Vic at 555-V-I-C-K, doodly do.

I'm not in the casita right now, so leave your lowdown at

the ding-dong.

Hasta. (beep)

- Hey, Vic. This is Church.

I need to-

- You have reached the voice mail system.

- OK, OK, come on.

- To leave a message, just wait for

the tone.

- I know how to leave a goddamn message.

- When you are finished

recording, just hang up, or press pound for more options.

- Really, hang up?

No shit.

I was just gonna keep talking until he decided to check his

voice mail.

- For delivery options, press 5.

- Just give me the damn beep!

- To leave a callback

number, press 8.

To page this person, press 6.

- Come on!

- To repeat this message, press 9.

- I will fucking stab you, computer phone lady!

(tapping)

- That tapping is going to drive me insane.

We either need to get Donut out of there or find a way to

kill him.

- Donut, can you please stop tapping?

We heard you.

You're crushed, and you're in mortal danger.

We get it.

- I can feel the tapping in my brain.

- Well, I have to admit it.

I'm stumped.

I have no idea how to get him out.

- Jesus!

How long would it take him to starve to death?

When was the last time he ate?

- Sarge, didn't you once tell me you built self-destruct

mechanisms into our armor?

Can't you just use Donut's?

- No, sadly that's just you, Grif.

Although I could activate yours if you'd like.

- How would that help?

- Well, the situation would be a little less annoying.

- You want me to get the activation code, sir?

- Eh, the activation code is just "activation code."

Keep it simple.

- I'm gonna pretend I didn't hear that.

(tapping)

- Oh my god.

Is it getting louder?

I bet the Blues don't have to put up with

annoying this annoying.

- To mark this message as urgent,

press 11.

- There is no 11, you fucking whore!

- Ooh, language.

- Men, it pains me as your leader to say this, but I

think we need to admit defeat.

Years of experience on the battlefield, and I've finally

met my match.

I never thought I'd be beaten by a ship.

A ship full of enemies, maybe, but never

just the ship itself.

Bravo, ship.

Bravo.

- Don't give up yet, sir.

I'm sure we can find a way to-

- Ah, Simmons, it's hopeless.

Let's start assigning duties for our retreat.

- Uh, sir.

- Simmons, you can pack up all the toiletries

and remaining MREs.

But make sure not to mix them up, or we'll never be able to

tell them apart again.

- Sir, you really should turn around.

- Sure, and give the ship a chance to rub it in.

No dice.

(beep) - Vic, it's Church.

I need to-

- I'm sorry, but this person's voice

mailbox is full.

- Ugh. I'm gonna kill myself.

I'm gonna kill myself.

- Uh, what was all that about?

- Doc, we are royally screwed.

Half our team is down, and I think-

- No it's not.

Look.

Caboose is already back in action.

- I'm OK.

I'm OK.

I'm not OK.

- He's fine.

- Like I was saying, half the team is down.

And the half that's left, sucks.

So all the reds need to do is attack us, and we're dead.

- Honk.

- Oh, right.

And I have to kill this fucking thing.

- Also, I see a big ship.

Now I know I'm hallucinating.

- Oh, and I forgot that part.

The Reds also have an enormous ship that was

sent by their command.

Probably has a huge fucking weapon on it, like a nuke or a

biological weapon that's going to melt our skin or a genetic

weapon that's going to make everyone

in blue armor sterile.

Awesome.

- Hmm.

Maybe this isn't the best time to remind you that

technically, I'm neutral in this conflict.

- Doc, I don't think this situation

could get much worse.

I mean, the ship is bad enough, but god knows what

kind of reinforcements they have in that thing.

It could be a whole new squad or a Freelancer or-

- Grif's sister?

- Yeah.

Isn't that cool?

- You know, I always knew there was a genetic possibility

that Grif would have blood relatives.

But I always held onto the hope that he was the horrible

byproduct of an experiment at a turd manufacturing plant.

- Go home.

- What?

- Go home right now.

Get in your ship, uncrash it, and fly it home.

- Whatever.

Make me.

- As much as I don't want to spoil my reputation as a

do-nothing slacker I will not hesitate to beat you senseless

and drop you in that ship myself.

- I thought you would be happy to see me.

- How did you even get here?

We're in the future.

- Hmm.

I think I know how.

Did you use your hyperdrive to get here, or just the light

drive?

- Which one is the hippy drive?

Is that the one with all the knobs, or is it the other one

with all the knobs?

- Yeah.

She probably came here just using the light drive.

And as Einstein theorized in his theory of relativity-

- English.

- When you travel near the speed of light, time slows

down for you.

Essentially, she came forward in time by traveling at light

speed.

- That's stupid.

- No, that's science.

- Didn't you ever read the famous science fiction story

where the astronaut watches his baby son being born, but

then he gets in a ship-

- No.

- Well, did you ever read the one where-

- No. - How about-

- I didn't read any of them.

- Hey.

Who's the nerd?

- Excuse me.

I'm not a nerd.

My mom says there's nothing shameful about being smart.

- All right, missy, there's just one thing I don't get.

How'd you join the Army?

- What do you mean?

I just signed up.

- But you're a,

you know, you got lady parts.

- So?

- So unless this is the cooking and sewing army-

- No, I meant to join the real Army.

- Does your gun shoot brownies?

- What?

- You'll have to excuse Sarge.

He comes from the old school.

- Thanks.

By the way, nobody says old school anymore.

Actually, they told me I was too young, so I grabbed an

extra suit of armor and boosted a shuttle.

- Glad you learned something from me.

- (laughing) No.

I'm just kidding.

I always wanted to do something like that.

- But why did you join the Army?

That's the dumbest thing I've ever heard.

- Well, you always looked after me when Mom ran away to join

the circus.

- Wait a second. Hold on.

Your mom is in the circus?

You know, at first I didn't like you, but you've already

made my insults 45% more efficient by just saying one

sentence.

- Was your mom a flaming sword swallower?

We could use somebody to replace Donut.

- Nope.

You know how circuses have a bearded lady and a fat lady?

Well, my mom plays both, because she's, like, super

talented.

- Oh my god.

Is it OK if I record everything you say?

- Sure!

Anyway, Grif always looked after me, but when he went

away, I didn't want to be alone.

- OK, let me get this straight.

You felt scared being alone, so you decided to join a war.

- She's a Grif, all right.

- Wait a minute.

She was the one who was tapping.

- Duh.

- Yeah.

I was wondering why you guys didn't answer.

- None of us know Morse code.

It's outdated.

- Don't you mean old school?

- No, don't you get it?

If she was the one tapping, then what happened to Donut?

- A baby?

Wait up.

I want to see.

- Donut, get back here.

Wait for the ship.

- But Sarge, we don't know when the ship is

gonna get here.

It's coming all the way from Earth.

That could take days or weeks or months or even years.

(crash)

(shouting)

(crumple)

- Ow.

- See him there?

Right there, the yellow one.

- The one next to Simmons.

That's Grif.

- The other yellow one.

Dumbass.

- Oh, that new yellow person.

Oh, yes, of course, yes.

Uh, he looks very scary, yes, and I know that because I am

looking right at him right now.

Yes.

He's yellow.

This is very interesting.

- (sigh) You don't even see him, do you?

- Yeah, I don't even know how to use this thing.

- Oh man.

This is no good.

Yellow armor.

What does yellow armor mean?

Is it like some kind of special ops guy or,

man, this can't be good for us.

- What if it's a new gun?

- What?

Why am I even talking to you?

It's a person in yellow armor.

We already established that.

- Oh, no, wait.

Maybe they got their own medic.

- A medic?

Caboose, we're not that lucky.

- See, my suit is purple.

Can you say purple?

Purple.

- Hawp?

- Honk.

- Great.

Once we learn all the colors, we'll learn why you shouldn't

judge people by them.

- The cool thing is that I was lucky enough

to get sent here.

They said your commander died, and I needed to replace the

missing man.

- What?

Our commander's not dead.

I'm our commander.

- And an excellent one at that, sir.

- Thank you, Simmons.

- Yeah.

Your commander died.

And one of the troops is going to be promoted,

and I was sent to replace the missing troop.

- Wait, what's this about a promotion?

- Sounds like command made some kind of mistake.

- I don't know, Sarge.

I thought you said command never makes mistakes.

That must mean you're dead.

- Seriously, what was the promotion thing?

I'm sure I heard something about someone getting

promoted.

- They said one of your troops will be promoted to replace

your dead CO.

- One in particular?

One like me?

A maroon one?

- Hey, you're really scary.

That's kinda hot.

- Sarge, I'm really sorry you died.

- Don't be stupid, Grif.

How can I be dead if I'm standing right here?

- Well, if command was wrong about you dying, Sarge,

couldn't they be wrong about other stuff, too?

Like, like what if the Blues don't suck?

(gasp)

What if the Blues are awesome?

This changes everything!

- Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today to pay our

final respects to Sarge.

- But I was so young!

And violent.

- And that's what makes this so tragic.

- Yeah, that guy is definitely some kind of special forces.

He's probably trained in knives or

ball-kicking or something.

- Maybe he's an alien.

- An alien that looks just like the rest of us?

- And that is the scariest kind of alien.

- Why are you even here?

It would be easier for me to just call random people on the

phone and talk to them about this.

They would understand the situation better.

- Ugh.

(muttering)

- Oh, well, look who's awake.

- What the fuck happened?

- Oh, well.

Um, uh, as you may remember, uh, you were impregnated by an

alien visitor who was on a noble mission to save his

entire species from-

- Can I get the short version of this?

- Yeah.

You got knocked up.

You got knocked out.

- Oh, right. I need to start working out.

Lose this baby weight.

- Yeah, you know, we, we should all start working out,

you know, uh, especially some of us.

- Yeah, some of us seem to have let ourselves go more than

others.

- Are you guys talking about me?

- We, uh, didn't want to say anything.

- Yeah, that's why we said something.

Fatty.

- Hey, back off, guys.

I've been under a lot of stress.

I've been carrying this whole fucking team.

- Where'd you carry us, to the buffet?

- He said it.

- What are you guys doing up here, anyway?

And what's that huge thing?

- That's Church.

- He means the ship, Caboose!

- He said it.

- The Reds called in a ship, and it landed on Donut.

Now they've got new hardware and a new soldier.

- Who, that girl?

- What, girl?

That's a girl?

- Duh.

The yellow one, right?

The one talking to Simmons?

- Wow, you have really good eyes.

- I have to.

I never get to use the fucking sniper rifle.

- You're positive that's a girl.

How can you be sure?

- Dude, look who you're talking to.

- And now, Grif has asked to say a few things about our

beloved Sarge.

- Hey, everybody.

It's great to be here.

Well, what can I say about a guy like Sarge?

I mean, besides good riddance.

Hey-oh!

(laughter)

- Yeah.

- But seriously, Sarge lived a great life.

And now that he's dead, our lives are pretty good, too.

Zing!

(laughing)

You know what I'm talking about.

- Come on, is this a remembrance or a roast?

- Quiet in the front row.

And I'm not asking, and he's not telling, but I heard when

Donut first came to the base, Sarge spent a lot of time

talking about glazed donut holes, if

you know what I mean.

Hiyo!

- Too soon.

- Hey now.

- This is the worst funeral I've ever had.

You losers better step up the crying, pronto.

- Oh, don't worry, sir.

I've written a stirring speech that's sure to tug at

everyone's heart strings.

- Good to hear it.

Now get with the eulogizing.

- On it, sir.

- And who could forget the time Sarge showed us all how to

field-strip Simmons-

- OK, that's enough.

I said five minutes, Grif.

- Bye, everybody.

I'll be appearing at the Laugh Cavern every Tuesday.

Ladies drink free.

- Woo-hoo!

- Not you.

- Aw.

- OK, whatever. Get off.

Hello, everyone.

I'm here to say a few words about our friend Sarge.

- Boo!

You suck.

- Grif, get off the stage.

- Uh, sorry.

- OK, like I was saying, I'm here to say a

few words about Sarge.

- Boo!

You suck!

- As you all know, Sarge was a magnificent leader,

and he was a great inspiration to all his troops.

- Simmons was right.

This is so emotional.

Where's my hanky?

- He was a man of honor, discipline, and character.

- It's like he's saying what we're all thinking.

- If he was saying what I'm thinking, he'd be yawning, is

all I'm saying.

- But perhaps his greatest accomplishment

as a military man-

- Tell it!

- And a friend-

- Preach on, preach on!

- Was developing my considerable skills as a

soldier and a leader.

- What?

- As you all know, Sarge's untimely demise leaves a gap

in our command structure, a gap that is best filled by

Sarge's right-hand man, a man that has a

vision for the Red Team.

- Sarge, is, is he campaigning for your job at your funeral?

Classy.

- The Red Army is faced with a difficult choice, the choice

of who will lead us to glorious victory.

Let's hope they choose a great candidate, a candidate whose

armor is actually a shade of red.

Sarge would have wanted it that way.

Choose Simmons.

It's the only thing Sarge did in life, so don't let his

whole existence be in vain.

In closing, somebody died.

Vote for me.

- Awesome speech.

- Is this the kind of thing you guys do all day?

- Pretty much.

Just run with it.

It's the only thing that keeps you from

going insane from boredom.

- Yeah.

Or we could raid the medical supplies for morphine.

- Yeah.

Wait, what?

- Hey, Sister, you're up.

- Awesome.

- Ooh, ooh, ooh, can I go again?

I just thought of a swear word that rhymes with Kentucky.

- You couldn't even wait for me to be buried, could you?

- Your death was in the past, Sarge.

And we need to look to the future, a future filled with

Simmons.

- Hey, everybody.

Um, I'm new here, and I didn't know Sergeant very well, but

he was really old, and that's gross.

- Ha ha, I wrote that line.

- Grif, let other people have the spotlight for once.

- Anyway, when you're old and gross, you're probably going

to die, and that's kind of sad.

But when you think about it, all your friends are

probably dead, too.

And if they're not, then they're definitely old, and

knowing old people is even sadder than being dead.

So anyway, whatever.

Peace out.

- This is a miserable excuse for a ceremony.

Where's the flag folding?

Where's the 21-gun salute?

- Sir, the flag is an important part of our inventory.

We can't just go around having impromptu foldings because we

feel like it.

- And I was in charge of the 21-gun salute.

Unfortunately, we don't have 21 guns.

So you'll have to settle for what I call

the double-bun salute.

It starts in just a few moments.

- (sigh) I'll just get in my grave now.

- So this is it, Tucker.

This is your little monstrosity, your little

abomination of nature.

- Uh, what do I do?

- Why are you asking me?

- I don't know how to be a dad.

This isn't the way I planned it.

- You planned this?

Tucker, I had no idea.

- No, no.

I mean, I always wanted to have the ideal father/son

relationship.

You know, where I see him for like eight hours every other

weekend and send checks to some woman I hate.

- It's emotional conversations like this

that make me miss my mom.

- All right, look.

Let's leave these two alone, let them do a little bonding.

- Hey, don't leave me here with him.

What am I supposed to say?

- Ask him if he likes baseball.

- It's an alien baby, Caboose.

- Ask him if he likes tee ball.

- Alien, Caboose.

Alien was the key word in that sentence.

- Seriously, don't go.

I don't even know where to start.

- Tucker, he's part of an alien race

whose only purpose seems

to be to tell huge, grandiose lies to people so that they

can seduce them and then impregnate them.

So why don't you start with that?

You know, common ground.

- Yeah, I think I'll just stick to baseball.

- Tell him about how his dad got to third base with you.

- Caboose!

- So how much oxygen do you think Sarge has in his suit?

- Oxygen?

- Yeah, you know, to breathe and stuff.

- Oh, you know, probably like three hours, depending on his

level of activity.

- He's buried six feet underground.

I don't think he's got much chance for activities.

- Well, I don't think you're an authority.

- An authority?

We didn't even use a coffin.

We just threw a bunch of dirt on him.

- No.

I threw a bunch of dirt on him.

You two only pretended to help and made a bunch of digging

noises with your mouth.

- You know that trick?

- I learned from the best.

- Well, as your new commander, you're both going to learn a

little discipline.

And we're going to start by running laps around the base.

Sister, you can do girly laps.

- You mean after we dig up Sarge.

- No, I mean right now, Grif.

- What are girly laps?

- Hey, Simmons, I don't think Sarge is going to like you

picking up his shotgun.

(cocking shotgun)

- And I really don't think he's gonna like you

threatening me with it.

Well, OK, he might like that part.

- As the new leader, what I say goes.

So everyone needs to start running right now.

- But what about Sarge?

- You heard what command said.

Sarge is dead.

He died of, what'd he die of?

- Aspirin overdoese.

- See, Sarge is dead of a, an aspirin overdose?

Really?

- I know. I didn't think it was possible.

And trust me, I've tried.

- Yeah. Wait, what?

- Simmons, don't be stupid.

He's not dead.

He's just lying underground, covered in dirt.

- If I say he's dead, he's dead.

I'm the leader. Me.

And being a leader means you have to make tough decisions.

Like just for talking back, you can't do girly laps.

- You've gone blind with imaginary power, Simmons.

- Oh, on the contrary.

I think I've gone blind with very real power.

- Seriously, what the fuck are girly laps?

- Both of you, shut up.

You're running.

I'm calling Red Command for confirmation.

- Why are you calling Red Command?

- For confirmation.

Stop asking questions.

- You keep talking about them.

Why don't you call our guys?

- Our guys?

- Yeah.

The Blue guys.

- Excuse me?

The whazzawha?

- The Blue guys.

The guys that sent me here in the big ship.

- Grif?

- Uh, yeah.

This might be a bad time to bring up the fact that my

sister is color-blind.

- What? - I don't get it.

What's the gray guy so upset about?

- But girls can't be color-blind!

- Yeah?

Well, they say girls can't ejaculate, either.

But guess what?

- Yeah. Wait, what?

- I can't believe it.

With such a simple espionage plan, the Blues have decimated

our forces.

Quick, quick, get me a shovel.

Oh, Sarge is going to be pissed.

- Hey, Simmons, if she's not here for Sarge, who the hell

is she here to replace?

(Donut groaning)

- What happened?

Where am I?

Oh, maybe they know.

But it might be rude to wake them up.

I'll just wait here a while.

- Oh my god, what's wrong with you?

Why didn't you tell us you were a Blue?

- Because.

- And don't say because nobody asked.

- But nobody did ask.

- God damn it.

- So what if she is a Blue?

We'll still keep her.

- We can't do that.

She's on the other team.

She'll kill us in our sleep if we keep her.

- Do I get to do that?

That would be awesome!

- No, she wouldn't.

Besides, she's color-blind.

We'll just tell her we're Blues.

- Uh, hello.

We already told her we're Red?

Idiot.

- Yeah, well she's fucking dumb, too.

Hey, we're Blue now.

- Woo-hoo! Go Blue!

Let's win!

- See?

- Oh, please. She'll figure it out.

- No, she won't.

In high school, she got kicked off of the cheerleading squad

three times for rooting for the wrong team.

- No, she can't stay.

I know. We'll tell the Blues that we took her prisoner.

Maybe we can get something out of this mess.

- No way. We can't send her over there.

They'll kill her.

- Why would they kill her, Grif?

She's blue.

It's not like the Blue team goes around

killing its own members.

- Oh, right, because she's a Blue.

And if she's over there, then the only people that would be

trying to kill her would be us.

- Exactly.

- And that means she'd be safe because we're like the

shittiest team ever.

- Well, I don't know about that.

As our new leader, I have some pretty bold plans-

- But you're not the leader.

It was a misunderstanding.

You're the guy who buried our leader.

- You helped. We're in this together.

- No, I made digging noises with my mouth.

Remember?

- Oh god! Get me a shovel!

- Yeah.

Um, OK, you're a Blue.

- Touchdown!

Woo-hoo! Go Blue!

- No, I mean, we're Red, but you're Blue.

That means you've gotta get out of here before Simmons

digs up Sarge.

- I love digging!

I want to help.

- No. You're leaving.

- Where are we going?

- The other base.

- The Red base?

- No, the Blue base.

- We have two bases?

Awesome.

- Move.

- Hey, have you guys seen Doc?

I need him to babysit for a while.

- Yeah, I got him talking to Sheila.

She's been acting real wacky lately.

- Oh yeah? You mean weirder than your average talking tank?

- Don't be snarky.

- Sorry, dude.

It's the hormones.

I just had a baby.

- Yeah, Sheila's been acting kind of distant and weird.

Plus she's been saying these random threatening things.

Kind of reminds me of somebody else.

- So why is Doc talking to her?

- What, you didn't hear the threatening part I just said?

I'm not going over there.

- Why not send Caboose?

Aren't they, like, in love or something?

- Dude, I have had about all the cross-species babies that

I can take for a while.

The last thing I need is a junior Caboose running around

with a 130-millimeter cannon for a head.

Your little devil spawn is enough for me.

- Don't talk about my kid like that!

- What's your deal?

- I don't know.

I think I'm kind of getting into this

whole parenting thing.

I caught myself looking at minivans the other day.

Bleugh.

- Of course you are.

That's why you need a babysitter for a newborn.

I'll be sure to nominate you for dad of the year.

- Don't judge me.

- Anyways, Doc's gonna figure out what's wrong with her and

give her a little tune-up.

- But Doc's not a mechanic. He's a doctor.

Not a doctor, a medic.

Well, I guess he's not really a medic, either, because he's

never really helped anyone.

He's just some annoying guy that we know who

wears purple armor,

who's annoying.

Point is, Doc's not a mechanic.

- I know.

I figure Doc's mechanic skills are probably about as bad as

his first aid skills.

He's either gonna fix her by accident or make her

completely inoperable.

And then I can go down there and figure out what's

really going on.

Either way, I win.

Oh, he might also get blown up by her.

That's also good.

- Yeah, maybe yoga lessons weren't such a

good idea after all.

Let's try some deep breathing.

In through the air filter, out through the manifold.

In through the air filter, out through the manifold.

Uh, OK.

Why don't we try some aversion therapy?

Think about something that makes you really

angry that isn't me.

- Sure.

- Uh, yeah.

I don't feel as good about my plan as I used to.

- Hey Blues!

- Oh crap, here we go.

They must have figured out how fucked up our

team is right now.

Oh shit.

They even brought their new guy.

- Girl. - Whatever!

Just play along.

Act like our team is OK, and we have

everything under control.

- Please, I've been putting on that act for like three years

now.

- What do you want, Red?

- I got a prisoner for you.

- What'd he say?

- He says he as a prisoner for us.

- Oh, what, they're giving us prisoners now?

Dude, that sounds like bullshit.

I smell a trap.

- Reds aren't that smart.

- OK, normally, I would agree with that.

But this is the orange one.

He's pretty crafty. He's a lot like me.

- Like you?

Shit, then do I have time to put in my ear plugs and hide

all our food?

- Up yours, dickhead.

Why would they want to give us one of their guys?

- Why are you asking me?

- Oh, right. Why are you giving us one of your guys

as a prisoner?

- She's one of your guys.

She came to our side by mistake.

What's their deal?

Why aren't they going for this?

We have to hurry.

I gotta get back before Simmons digs up Sarge.

- I don't buy this.

What do you want for her?

- Um, nothing.

It was, it was an honest mistake.

Uh, you can have her back now.

No harm, no foul.

Look, can we hurry this up?

- Yeah, this is bullshit.

- Ask for something else.

- Uh, we want something else.

- What?

I'm releasing a hostage!

You don't negotiate up from there.

- Got any money?

- Fuck you, dude!

Get going.

Call me if you have any problems and don't go near any

Reds from now one.

I'll try to keep our team distracted so they can't

attack you.

Whatever you do, don't embarrass the family.

Think of Mom.

- Don't do me any favors, bitch.

- What else was on the ship?

- What do you mean?

- Yeah, like guns or weapons.

- Or snacks!

Dude, I'm just asking 'cause I know you wanted to.

- Nope, just the girl.

Sorry.

There weren't any more aliens for you guys to fuck.

- That's OK.

We can still fuck this one.

- Woo-hoo!

- God dammit!

Never mind. Just send her back.

- No take-backs.

- Aw, what the fuck?

- Oh my god, Grif, he's gone!

- Who's gone?

- Sarge. He's missing.

I dug up his grave, and he's not in there.

- What?

Did you dig in the right spot?

- Oh, you're right, maybe I dug up one of

the other fresh graves that we just made.

I didn't fucking think of that!

- Oh, calm down.

- Don't tell me to be calm!

We're down two men now!

Ah, at least we still have the Blue prisoner

we can use as leverage.

Hey, what are you doing out here in the middle of the

canyon?

- Uh, nothing.

So that, uh, that Sarge thing's pretty crazy.

- Hey, is that your sister over there with the Blues?

What's she doing over there?

- Well, uh, welcome to Blue Team.

I guess we should probably give you, uh, some kind of

orientation or something like that.

So this is the, uh, this is the base here.

This is the outside of the base.

Inside's on the inside.

Go through that door right there to get to the inside.

Um, there's a ramp over here.

There's another one on the other side.

It's kind of smaller.

It does the same thing, though.

Uh, it's got a basement.

Um, there's the middle part and there's the top part.

We got some, you know, blue flags here on the outside.

Those come in handy when you're,

you're trying to identify the color of the base.

It's blue.

Anyway, that, uh, pretty much covers the base, so anyway,

yeah, that's it.

- Cool.

- I'm Church. I'm the leader.

Everybody looks up to me.

Pretty much the only rules for rookies on the Blue Team is,

don't kill the leader.

That's me.

- That's it?

- That's it.

- Sounds easy.

- Yeah, well, we're still waiting for someone

to follow that rule.

So anyway, uh, tell me about yourself.

Well, what's your training?

- Training?

- Yeah. What have you been told so far?

- Oh, right.

That's the base, and you're the leader, and I

shouldn't kill you.

Ever.

Did I pass?

- No, I mean like what kind of

military training do you have?

Weapons?

- Uh, those sound violent.

- Operations?

- I don't even know how that works.

- Communications?

- Say what?

- (sigh) Intelligence?

- Uh, uh-huh.

- (sigh) Great.

- Yeah, sorry.

Doesn't sound like I have any of the skills you need, unless

you want to see my ping pong ball trick.

- Yeah.

Wait, what?

- Slow down.

- There's no time. Sarge is gone.

I was digging a hole, and I kept digging, but

there was no Sarge.

And finally, I dug deep enough, and I found another

hole.

- You dug a hole and found a hole?

Isn't that what a hole is?

- No, no, no.

I mean a hole at the bottom.

It opened into some kind of big cavern.

- A cavern?

A cavern like a cave?

Like a cave with bats?

- I don't know.

Why, are you afraid of bats or something?

- Afraid of bats?

No.

Why would I afraid of bats?

And why would you even ask that question?

Were there bats or something?

That's kind of a weird thing to ask just for no reason.

- I didn't see any bats, OK?

- Did you hear any bats?

- No.

- Did you smell any bats?

- I don't know what bats smell like.

- Then let's hope you never find out.

Is it getting dark?

We should get inside.

- It hasn't gotten in dark here in three

fucking years, asshole.

- And this is Tucker.

- 'Sup?

- Hey.

- Tucker's job is to do,

what?

I guess nothing.

- I'm just chilling.

That's the only rule on Blue Team, rookie.

Be cool.

- I thought the only rule was, don't kill the leader.

- Yeah, but we break that rule all the time.

That's what makes us so cool.

- Awesome.

On the Red Team, they break that rule-

- Blarg.

- Oh cool.

You have a dog?

- Uh, that's not a dog.

That's my kid.

- Oh cool!

You have a kid that looks like a dog?

- Nice save.

Oh hey, you know what?

I think I have the perfect tour guide for you.

Hey, Caboose.

Come here.

- I thought about having a kid once.

- Oh really?

It's a lot of work.

- Yeah, it seems like it would be hard.

But I thought, you know, who wants to be known as the girl

who's had seven abortions?

- Heh, yeah.

Wait, what?

- All right.

This is Caboose.

He can tell you everything you possibly need to know about

Blue Base.

- Is she a mean girl or regular girl?

- Caboose, what did I tell you?

- That there are no regular girls.

- Exactly.

All right, so just stick with him, ask him any questions you

have, and just don't bother me or Tucker.

- What do I tell her?

- Well, I already know the rule.

- I hate that stupid rule.

- Go show her Doc and Sheila.

- The purple one is Doc.

And the big one is Sheila.

- You know, I was really wishing that would take longer

and further away.

- Who's the black one?

- The black one?

- Yeah, the one in the black armor, the

one standing right behind you guys?

- Yep, that's a hole all right.

- That's what I told you.

- Huh.

And Sarge's body is gone.

- Right.

I think he fell through that hole into the cavern.

- Maybe he just disappeared.

Dead things do that when you bury them.

That's part of the circle of life, you know.

It's a miracle, when you think about it.

No reason to go randomly exploring caves, which may or

may not contain hundreds of evil bats.

That would just be interfering with God's divine plan.

- OK, A, Sarge wasn't dead.

B, decomposing takes months, not minutes.

C, his armor would still be here.

And D, shut up.

You're going down there.

Now.

- Why?

What do we really need Sarge for, anyway?

All he ever did was yell at us a bunch and tell us we suck.

We'll just split up his duties.

You yell at me, and I'll tell you you suck.

- Shut up and get in the hole, Grif!

- You suck, Simmons.

Oh, man, this new system's already working out great!

We should've thought of this years ago.

- Grif, don't you understand that because we lost Sister,

we're horribly outnumbered?

We already lost Donut and Sarge.

Now it's four on two.

The Blues are probably gearing up for an enormous

attack right now.

At any moment, they're going to come over that hill, guns

blazing, yelling "Charge!"

- Retreat!

(shouting)

- Who is that?

- That's Tex.

- Whoa, he's a badass.

- Ow.

- He's kinda hot.

- Tex isn't a guy. She's a girl.

- Oh, sorry. She's a badass.

She's kinda hot.

- She's actually Church's ex-girlfriend.

- Oh yeah?

Why aren't you guys dating anymore?

- Are you seriously asking that question right now?

- Last time I was shot, I got a Purple Heart.

Yeah, I hope this time, I get a Purple Lung.

You see, eventually, I,

I hope to build an entire Purple Person.

And we will be best friends.

- Maybe you should ask for a Purple Brain.

- You're just jealous because you have no friends.

- Why is she shooting at us?

- How do I know?

And why are you acting like this is unusual?

- Well, go out there and tell her to stop.

- Yeah. I'll get right on that.

- Uh, aren't you, like, the leader or something?

- Uh, yeah, Sister, I am the leader.

Which is why I am officially appointing you our field

negotiator.

- Awesome!

- Yes, congratulations.

We're all very proud of you.

Your first job is to get Tex to stop firing at us.

- Cool.

Hey, Tex, stop shooting, you stupid bitch!

- Nice negotiating.

- She stopped firing.

I think that actually worked.

Maybe she's out of ammo.

Let me check.

(gunshot)

- Nope, she still has ammo.

- Nice recon work.

- I'm gonna go get my body back.

- Yeah, good idea.

- Aaagh, oof.

- Ta-da.

- Ugh.

You didn't have to push.

- Yeah, I didn't have to, but it sure was fun.

I got a cool screenshot from my visor of you flailing, too.

Guess who has a new desktop wallpaper?

This guy.

- Hey, Tucker.

Is my body on straight?

- Dude, I don't even know what that means.

- Freeze.

Nobody move.

- We're already not moving.

You could have just said, everyone keep doing what

you're not doing.

- Shut up.

- Whatever.

- Tex, what is your problem?

- My problem is that O'Malley isn't in Doc anymore.

He's jumped into somebody new, and I'm not trusting anybody

until I find out who.

- Yeah.

We already know all that.

We're on top of the situation.

- You are?

Then who did O'Malley jump into?

- Oh.

Yeah, I meant,

I meant we were on top of everything right up until that

point.

- Typical. - Who's O'Malley?

- Ah, it's just some computer program that wants to destroy

the universe.

He infects people around here from time to time, but, eh,

it's no big deal.

- Sounds scary.

- No, it's all good, baby.

I'll protect you.

- Yeah.

That's what the last guy said, and now I can't stop

scratching.

- OK, never mind.

- None of us are infected, Tex, but I am a little worried

about the tank.

She's been acting really weird lately.

Can an AI implant in a, Tex?

- Who's the girl?

- What? Who, Sister?

Oh, she's just a new recruit.

- You mean to tell me I'm only gone a few weeks,

and you guys get yourselves a new girl?

- Oh.

Um-

- Whoa.

Tread lightly, dude.

Tread lightly.

- Yeoww, what in the, stupid Grif and Simmons,

can't even build a regulation grave.

What did we run all those drills for?

So this is the afterlife, huh?

Heh.

Not too impressive, if you ask me.

This place is a wreck.

Who's in charge here, anyway?

Need to get me a couple Marine angels, get this place

spick-and-span in no time.

You know, that I think about it, I don't seem to remember

much about underground caves in the Bible, not even in that

new Bible they rewrote in 2040, with that big chase

scene and that weird cameo by Ben Stiller.

That guy's a nut.

Wait a minute, afterlife,

underground cave, what if this isn't heaven?

What if it's, no, it couldn't be.

Could it?

- Oh, hey, Sarge.

What are you doing down here?

- It is!

Oh, it is.

- Oh man. This is not going to work out well for us.

- Dude, are you kidding?

We finally have two girls on our team.

You know what that means.

- Yeah, coed softball team.

I'm going to go get my baseball racket.

- Tucker, I know what you're thinking, and it's not gonna

happen.

- Oh, why not?

- Because girls can't share

anything, not even an apartment.

Every time girls live together, within six months,

they all hate each other, and somebody gets stuck with a

$1,200 phone bill.

That's fact.

- Ah, let them fight.

As long as we get to watch the making up, who cares?

We can even record it and sell copies to the Reds.

- No!

Moan.

- It's been crazy down here, Sarge.

(Sarge moaning) - You wouldn't believe

all the stuff I found.

- Sorrowful sounds.

Pleas for forgiveness!

- Sarge, keep it down.

- I have sinned.

- We don't want them to hear you.

- Donut, don't interrupt my repentful mourning.

If I want God to forgive me, I need to be as

miserable as possible.

He loves that stuff.

- This isn't hell, Sarge.

And you're not dead.

- Repent! Repent!

- Come on, Sarge, be quiet.

I've been exploring down here, and I've found some really

crazy stuff.

Look.

- Why, that port looks like a blue base.

And just when I thought hell couldn't get any worse.

- Yeah, but look at that.

- What in the hell is that thing?

- I don't know, but it sure looks a lot like the

motorcycle I found in a cave upstairs.

- Donut, why didn't you report this?

- I couldn't.

My radio broke when I fell.

(radio interference)

- Come in, Sarge. Are you there?

- Hello. Is that you, Simmons?

- No, I'm Donut.

Did you get amnesia from your fall or something?

- Shut up, Donut.

- Uh, OK.

- Sarge, we're down in the cave with you.

Are you OK?

Please tell me you're OK.

- I'm fine.

What's your location?

- I'm standing right here, next to you.

- Shut up!

- We're looking for you right now.

This place is huge.

Grif is with me, and we're up on top of some kind of

peninsular outcropping.

- Uh, you're on top of Grif's what?

- Grif isn't anywhere around here.

- Donut, I told you to be quiet.

- Well, stop asking me stuff, then.

- No, we're on a peninsular ledge, trying to find you.

- Roger that.

I've got Donut.

You sit tight, and we'll find you.

- Roger that.

Simmons out.

- Dude, what was all that stuff about your

penis ruler?

- I was just talking to Simmons on the radio.

- Oh, the radio.

- I told them to hold still.

We'll come to them.

- Sarge, I don't think you realize just how

big this place is.

There's no landmarks or anything, just one rock after

another that all look the same.

Finding them will be like finding a needle in a

haystack.

- They said they were standing on some kind of a penis-

- Oh, I know where that is.

Let's go.

- I heard something that time.

- You didn't hear anything.

(distant drip)

- There, did you hear that?

- Yes.

I heard water dripping.

- Sounds like bats.

- Bats aren't made of liquid.

Bats don't drip.

- Bat water.

- There are no bats!

- You don't know.

What if you're wrong?

- OK, idiot.

Let's assume I'm wrong.

Let's assume there are bats.

So what?

You're wearing state of the art biomechanical body armor.

It's designed to deflect bullets and absorb explosions.

What can a five-ounce flying rodent possibly do?

- So basically, you're saying that you think there's bats.

- Sure.

Why not?

- I'm getting the fuck out of here.

- No you're not, Grif.

We're standing right here.

I told Sarge we wouldn't move, and we're not moving.

- At least let's go stand by the light.

- No, that would be moving and thus would violate our strict

no moving policy.

- But the light would-

- No. - Help us see the bats.

- No. - And their fangs.

- No!

- Hey, you know what else might be in the cave, Simmons?

Snakes.

- You're an asshole, Grif.

Why would you bring up snakes?

- I'm just saying, I know you don't like snakes, and snakes

do live in caves, and we are in a cave, and snakes like to

crawl right up next to people in caves, and then they-

- All right, screw it.

I'm going to go stand by the light.

- OK, I talked to Sheila.

You guys were right.

She definitely seems a little odd.

- Yup.

So what do you think?

- I think she seems like there's something wrong.

- That's your diagnosis?

That's why you sent you down there, man, because we knew

something was wrong.

- I'm a medic.

What do you want from me?

- How about fixing her?

- Well, surprisingly, my medical training didn't really

cover internal combustion.

- What a shitty medical school.

- Yeah, where'd you go, the University of Jamaica?

- Oh, please.

I wouldn't be caught dead on that campus.

I went to Jamaica State.

We were the Jamaica State Fighting Irish.

- That's Notre Dame.

- Well, since we're international, we don't really

have to adhere to the stringent US copyright laws,

so-

- Never mind.

Just go back down there and see if you can reboot Sheila.

- Reboot her?

- Yeah, dude.

That's how you fix broken stuff.

You turn her off, and then you turn her back on again.

She'll be fine.

- I don't think that'll work.

- Uh, pardon me, it works great.

We already rebooted the toaster.

We rebooted the teleporter.

- Yeah, I still don't know if that thing has all the bugs

worked out.

- We even rebooted Caboose's armor once, although that took

a lot longer to come back online than we thought it

would.

- It was dark, and I got to hold my breath.

I'm pretty sure there was no side effects.

- No, I mean I don't think it will work because I'm not

going back down there.

She's not exactly in the best of moods.

See?

- Yeah, we need to get someone sneaky down there

who can turn her off.

- How about Tucker?

- Who, me? No way.

I'm a lover, not a sneaker.

- Oh, that's your response to everything.

- What can I tell you?

I'm a lover, not a thinker.

How about Tex?

- Yeah, we couldn't afford it.

If only we knew someone that Sheila trusted.

And it would have to be someone kind of dumb so that

we could fool them into betraying that

trust for our purposes.

- Hey.

Everyone is looking at me.

I love when they do that.

Hi, everybody.

- See?

And these are the two bodies I was telling you about.

At first, I thought they were sleeping, but then I realized

they were dead.

- The Blues never sleep.

They're too busy plotting to destroy our way of life.

That's how you can always spot a Blue, Donut.

They're always the ones conniving and scheming.

Sometimes they do both.

I call that schenniving.

- And you know what else?

You can also tell they're Blue because of their blue armor.

- Yeah, that too.

You know, at first, I thought this cave was pretty dismal.

But it's amazing how a couple of Blue corpses can really

spruce up the place, make it feel like home.

- Yeah, we could hang a couple of drapes,

get some wicker chairs.

Ah, this place will be fantastic.

Everything OK, Sarge?

- What?

Oh yeah.

It's just that I can't shake this feeling, the feeling that

we're being watched!

Ha! Gotcha!

Oh, son of a-

- Um, that was pretty dramatic.

- Yeah, it usually works better if someone is standing there

when I do that.

Kind of like now!

Dammit.

I'm normally not wrong about this kind of thing!

Hello!

(muttering)

- Oh, do you have a good sixth sense?

- No, stupid.

Motion-activated proximity radar.

It's standard issue.

I guess I need to get mine calibrated.

Hey, what the heck is that thing?

- Sarge should be able to see us here, right?

- Yeah, who cares?

Hey, Simmons, I was thinking, if we're in a cave, why are

there lights down here?

- That's a pretty good point, Grif.

- What the, are you OK?

- Yeah, why do you ask?

- Huh.

You got a pink thing on you.

- What?

Like a snake?

Dammit all.

- Simmons?

Simmons?

Huh?

Ow.

Ow!

- Well, I suppose I should figure out a way to get Tex to

reboot Sheila.

Man, I'm going to have to call in a lot of favors for this

one.

- What favors could you possibly have stored up with

someone who dumped you?

- She didn't dump me, Tucker.

It was mutual.

- Mutual in what way?

Mutual in the sense that you were both single the moment

after she dumped you?

- Yeah.

That way.

Come on, Caboose.

Let's go explain the plan to Tex.

Wish us luck.

- Yeah, right.

Hey, when she kills you, I'm going to sell your armor to

that pink guy on the Red Team.

I hear he's in the market.

- Hey, who's the yellow soldier?

- That's just Sister.

She's new.

- No one told me about a new arrival.

I'm supposed to examine everyone before they assume

active duty.

- Don't sweat it. I already checked her out for you.

Diagnosis, F-I-N-E. That spells fine.

- Thanks.

But I think a trained medical professional should be the one

to-

- I'm a doctor, a doctor of love, PhD.

Certified in loveology, general harasstitioner,

sexacologist.

- First of all, love is not an officially

recognized medical specialty.

And also, PhDs,

heh, not really doctors.

- Dude, you're a dork.

- Hey.

- What's up, Sis?

What'd you and Tex talk about?

- Oh, she was just talking about everyone here.

How you're all idiots and jerks, but that you guys are

her idiots and jerks, and if I tried to become more popular

than her, she would talk about me behind my back and turn

everyone against me.

And then I would cry, and everyone would hate me.

You know, girl stuff.

- Cool.

Oh hey, speaking of girl stuff, this is Doc.

- Hi.

- Uh, hello. Nice to meet you.

I'm the medic.

If it's all right with you, I need to give you a quick

physical examination since you're new.

Do you want to come in the base, where you might feel

more comfortable taking off all your clothes?

- Sure. Lead the way.

See you, Tucker.

- What the fuck just happened?

- Sarge, I found Simmons.

He's over here, sleeping on the job.

- Donut, I'm not sleeping.

I was drugged.

- Sorry, Sarge.

He's not sleeping.

He's doing drugs.

- Shut up, Donut.

I'm not doing drugs. We were attacked.

They must have used some kind of tranquilizer on me and,

Grif?

Where's Grif?

- Maybe he's out scoring you junkies some more drugs.

- They must have taken him.

- Who would take Grif?

Garbage collectors?

- The people who ambushed us.

We have to find him.

Luckily, I implanted a tracking chip in his armor.

I wanted to be able to find him when it was time to work.

I should be able to lock onto his signal in just a few

seconds.

- A few seconds?

That sounds entirely hopeless.

Well, Grif, we'll miss you.

You were a good soldier, using the broadest possible

definition of good and soldier.

- I've got a signal.

- He's probably a million miles away by now.

- Actually, he's only a tenth of a mile away.

- Who knows what direction?

- That direction.

- Exactly. We did our best, Simmons.

Now let's head back to base and call for

a replacement troop.

Where's my shotgun?

- I don't see it anywhere.

I guess they took it when they took Grif.

- (sigh) What direction did you say?

- That way, sir.

- Come on, let's go.

- So Caboose is going to be up front,

talking to her, and then while he's got her distracted, you

sneak around the back, access the panel, and shut her down.

- OK. I'll do it.

- What? That's it?

You will? No bargaining?

No ridiculous demands?

- No.

I'm trying to find O'Malley and his friend.

In a way, you guys are helping me.

If anyone should be making demands it should be you.

- Oh, well, in that case, we want-

- Forget it. Deal's done.

- Dammit.

- Um, how should I distract Sheila?

- Just talk to her.

Keep her attention.

That's it. - I don't know.

Uh, we kind of have a history.

Uh, she may not want to talk to me.

- So? Tex and I have a rough history.

Doesn't mean we can't be professional

and hold a conversation.

- I wouldn't exactly call them conversations.

- Ugh, get off my back, woman.

Can't you see I'm working here?

- Please. You call this working?

- See, this is exactly what could happen with me and

Sheila, only with more getting shot by tanks.

- Caboose, if that happened, I'm sure the shell would just

bounce off you and land on me somehow.

Just smooth talk her.

- I don't know how to do that.

- Just tell her she's pretty or that she's got that new tank

smell or something.

Compliment her treads.

It doesn't matter.

- I don't know-

- It's easy.

Look, here.

Just practice on Tex.

She's, womanish. - Pardon me?

- Do you want Caboose to run decoy for you, or do you want

to try this on your own?

- I see your point.

- Go ahead.

- Hello, Tex.

- Dude.

You will not believe what Doc just pulled off.

- Shut up, Tucker.

Don't interrupt.

- Interrupt what?

- Tex, I think you are pretty.

And you haven't hurt my body in a long time, so I was

hoping that we could talk and be friends, maybe, and hold

hands, and you would go with me, and when you went with me,

you would be my real girlfriend.

- I think that would be nice, Caboose.

We should definitely do that.

- What the hell?

Tex, have you gone crazy?

If you want to get with somebody, get with me, the

love doctor.

I'm a real man.

I will rock your fucking world.

- Hey, don't look at me.

He's not part of the plan.

- Junior, Junior.

Hey, Junior, where'd you go?

- Honk.

- There you are.

- Honk.

- You little rascal.

- Honk! - OK, Sister.

Any other conditions I should know about?

- Um, let's see.

You know about all the ways I'm contagious, so-

- Hey, what's going on here?

- Oh, I'm color-blind.

- Really? That's weird.

But I don't think it'll cause any problems here.

OK, go ahead and bend over.

- Sure.

Like this?

- Whoa, yeah.

You're really limber and in really great shape.

- Yeah, I am.

- I'm not playing against you in Twister.

- Check this out.

- Wowsers.

I didn't even know a leg could bend that far.

That is a leg, right?

OK.

Oh, and by the way, sorry if my hands are cold.

- That's cool.

Sorry my body's a little hot.

- Hey, do you guys need any help in there?

- Huh? Is someone spying on us?

Yes!

Hot.

- No, we're good.

Hey, Sister, do you want me to turn up

the heat or something?

You look like you're-

- Eh, I'll be OK.

Hard nipples won't kill you.

- I could just walk around this corner if you need me to.

It wouldn't be a problem.

- We got it.

Hey, sorry I got you all wet before.

I don't even know how that bucket of baby oil got up on

that shelf.

That was weird.

- That's OK. I think it'll actually help.

Squeezing these puppies into the armor can be a little

difficult.

- Maybe I should just look in there and see if there's

anything I can do.

- No thanks, Tucker.

Maybe they need your help with the tank instead.

You'd probably be a lot more valuable out there.

What we're doing in her is pretty routine.

Hey, are you double-jointed?

- Yeah.

- Great.

- Honk!

- Don't rub it in.

- Blarg.

- Come on.

Grif should be right over here.

- Don't listen to him, Sarge.

He's just trying to score more drugs

to keep his habit alive.

Remember last month, when he asked for more money?

It was for drugs.

- That was part of a budgetary meeting, Donut.

He needed more funds for vehicle maintenance.

- Enabler!

- I see something.

- Ah, there's my shotgun.

Mission accomplished.

Excellent work, men.

Let's hang up a banner.

- There's Grif.

- Oh, right.

And Grif.

Excellent something or other.

You people, why do I even bother?

- I don't know what to say.

- Don't be nervous.

Just go out there, hold her attention, and don't say

anything stupid.

No, wait.

Be natural. Say stupid stuff.

Go.

- Hello, Sheila.

How are you doing?

- Oh, hello, Caboose.

Actually, I'm not functioning at my optimal capacity.

My internal diagnostics indicate I am having

mechanical issues.

How are you?

- Um-

- Caboose, say good.

- What?

Oh, good.

Uh, pretty good.

Really good.

I am great.

I am absolutely perfect.

- That's too good.

- Now I am depressed.

I am doing bad.

I-

I don't know if I can go on.

- You seem distracted, Caboose.

I am not distracted.

I'm distracting.

See, that's different because I'm doing it to you.

- What? - What?

- I mean, I'm very distractable.

(nervous laugh)

With a high degree of distractivity-ness.

- Change the subject.

- OK.

Sheila, have you seen Tex?

- What?

I mean, what?

- What?

- Sheila, do you know what my favorite thing to do is?

Not look behind myself.

You should try not doing that.

Do you like to collect stamps?

- Hey, Caboose, I think it's wrong for us both to die

because you're an idiot, so I'm going to take off now, OK?

I'll see you, bye.

- Please don't go.

- I am not leaving.

- Oh good.

Good.

Stay.

- You are acting strangely.

And I would like to find out why.

- Oh, OK.

Um-

- Caboose, the Omega AI has been missing, and everyone has

been attempting to find him.

If you continue to act erratically,

they may mistakenly think he is inside of you and take

drastic measures against you.

- Oh. I wouldn't want them to do that.

- Exactly. Luckily, I know where Omega is.

- You do?

Where?

- He is inside-

(shutting down)

- Got it.

- Who is blurrrrr?

- What happened?

What'd you do to me?

- We got knocked the fuck out.

And the people who did it must have taken you.

- Oh, right.

Uh, they kept asking me questions.

They wanted information.

- Information?

What did they-

- Whoa, whoa. They wanted information, and they took you?

Why wouldn't they take me?

- What did they look like?

- Sarge, please.

I was right there next to you.

If they needed information, why would they take you

instead of me?

- What are you, jealous?

Jesus.

- No.

I just think if you're going to drug and torture people,

you don't need to insult their intelligence, too.

That's just mean.

- Yeah. You're jealous.

- You want us to turn her back on again, after we

just went through all that trouble to shut her down?

- But she said she knows where O'Malley is.

- Well, maybe she was lying.

How could she possibly know that?

What do you think Tex.

Can we turn her back on again?

Disable her guns or something?

- Not a chance.

She's a wreck back here.

I'm not even sure how she was operational anyway.

- Oh, I know.

Uh, we can put her inside my head, like O'Malley.

I've got lots of extra room in there.

- Yeah, I bet.

And no, she's not that kind of AI.

- She could only be moved over if we had a

similar class of vehicle.

- Yeah.

If only we had some other kind of big vehicle that we could

move her into.

We can't use the Warthog because that

doesn't have anything,

wait a minute.

Tex.

The ship?

Could we move her into one of those onboard computers?

- If we set up a hard line, yeah.

I bet we could do it.

- Church!

Wait!

- Huh?

- Church, hold on a second.

I got something to tell you.

- Tucker, what? What is it?

- I just wanted to say, I got a hard line Tex can use.

Bow chicka bow wow.

- How did you even hear that?

- Pff, I'm like Superman.

I know when I'm needed.

(Grif muttering)

- Shake it off, you big orange baby.

What happened to you?

- He's been chasing the dragon.

- Donut, shut up.

He was drugged, just like me.

- That's what I'm saying.

He fell off the wagon and shook hands with the devil.

- Shut up.

- He's been riding the wave and tripping the technicolor

dreamscape.

Far out, man.

Druggy loser.

- Will you stop, Donut.

All you're doing with your stupid anti-drug lingo is

making me actually want to try drugs.

- Choose life, Simmons. Choose it.

- Yeah. That sounds like fun.

- Who knocked you out, Grif?

Was it those dirty Blues?

- No.

It was some kind of bat-person.

- Bat-person?

- Sarge, I'm not sure Grif knows what he's talking about.

- Grif doesn't know what he's talking about, eh?

Stop the fucking presses.

- No, I mean specifically right now.

Whatever chemical they used to knock us out may be affecting

his perception or his memory.

- And it can cause undue stress to his family and seriously

impair his ability to operate a-

- Shut up, Donut!

- I wasn't hallucinating.

There was some kind of crazy bat thing and another guy, and

they were talking about a kid and a sword.

Some kind of deal they made.

- OK, wait. Is this a joke?

This is a prank on me, right?

You guys found my Harry Potter fan fiction.

- This has nothing to do with you, Donut.

- OK, right, sure.

Well if the bat-person turns out to be a sailor, and the

guy turns out to be a bartender, and

the sword turns out,

well, let's just say this all sounds a little too familiar.

- I'm telling the truth.

This really happened.

- Sure, we believe you, buddy.

Note to Simmons, Grif has gone mad.

Need to kill him ASAP.

- I'm not crazy!

- Second note to Simmons.

Grif has developed super hearing, possibly acquired

from the bat-people.

Post-note, original plan still applies.

- Wait a second.

I can prove I'm not crazy 'cause of the bomb.

The bomb!

- Yeah, that's a good way to

prove you aren't insane.

Just start screaming "The bomb, the bomb!"

- The bomb was there.

That's how I could understand what was being said.

They needed him to translate.

- The bomb?

You mean that loudmouth guy?

- Yeah.

The enormous ball that's always ready to explode.

- OK, seriously, there's coincidence, and then there's

outright plagiarism.

I'm gonna have to sue somebody.

- She's all set.

Transfer should take a while.

- Um, are we sure we want to put her in this ship?

- Mm, it's still flyable, but I'm going to remove the

ignition coil just to be sure.

If O'Malley is in her somewhere, they aren't going

anywhere without it.

- You want me to hold it?

- Are you kidding?

- Well, thought it was worth a try.

- Hey, Caboose, how's it going in there?

- Looks good.

Although I have to tell you, the ship looks a lot bigger on

the inside than the outside.

- How's the readout?

- Well, all the red lights are red, and all the

blue lights are blue.

- What about the green lights?

- Those are black.

- When the green lights turn green and

the red lights turn black, I want you to get a hold of me

right away.

- Uh, OK.

What about the blue lights?

- The blue lights don't matter.

- Then why do they-

- OK, OK. Thanks, Caboose. Good job.

- Oh, OK.

- Hey, Grif.

Just tell them where the kid and the sword is, and you can

go.

- What?

Andy, is that you?

Why are you helping monster people?

- Hey, gotta make a living.

(alien grunting)

- He says someone's coming, and we gotta go.

See you, Grif.

By the way, you look like shit.

Zing!

- Oh, OK, bye.

I'm gonna, go to sleeping again.

And he was translating between the two of them, too.

So if we find Andy, he can tell us exactly what's going

on.

- Sounds like we've stumbled across something totally

diabolical.

Good work uncovering the plot, Simmons.

- Thank you, sir.

- Simmons?

I just told you everything!

- But Simmons was the one that led us to you after he

stealthily avoided capture.

- Avoided capture?

They knocked him out first and picked me at random.

- Yes, a randomness that Simmons used to save the day.

- You can't just show up here and start bossing people

around, Tex.

Bossing people around is my job, and I put in the time.

- I had to leave. I found Wyoming.

- Yeah, Tucker told me. What happened?

- I thought I tracked him back to O'Malley.

But by the time York and I got there-

- York?

Your old Freelancer buddy?

Was Carolina with him?

- She was already dead.

- But what about Bermuda?

- That's not a state, dumbass.

- Portland?

- Shut up.

- But he still had Delta.

- Delta? The AI?

How?

I thought they took them, wait a minute, wait a minute.

How is he even still alive?

Aren't we hundreds of years in the future?

- I thought it was because of his armor.

You know all the Freelancer suits had some kind of

enhancement.

- Right, like your invisibility.

- And horrible meanness.

- No, dude.

That's all natural.

- York's was some kind of healing mechanism.

It would help him recover from wounds in battle.

I thought it might have kept him alive all these years.

But after I found Wyoming, I knocked him out and downloaded

logs from his helmet.

There's something going on, Church, with a lot of people

working against us.

- Well, what did Wyoming say when he woke up?

- He didn't.

Before I could interrogate him, he teleported away.

One second he was there, and the next, he was gone.

- What about the second after that?

- Can I kill him?

- No, I'm saving him in case we ever need him for food.

So Wyoming's armor lets him teleport?

- I don't think so.

I think someone grabbed him from somewhere else.

- How is that possible?

The only technology I know that can do that is,

wait a minute.

Each Freelancer had an enhanced suit of armor and an

AI, right?

- Right.

- Right.

- Your armor was invisibility, and your AI was Omega.

- Right.

- Wrong.

Oops, missed that one.

Can we go back?

- What was Wyoming's AI?

- Gamma.

- (sigh) I gotta make a phone call.

(phone ringing)

- Hello.

- Hello.

This is Church, Gary.

Or should I call you Gamma?

Have you been lying to us?

- Lying is such a Shisno concept,

I mean human concept.

- You're a computer.

I thought computers can't lie.

- They can if they are programmed to lie.

- Were you programmed to lie?

- No.

- God dammit.

- I have to go, Church.

- Wait. What about the aliens?

How do we-

- Goodbye.

- Hmm, do they know?

- It is nothing to worry about.

We are close to the end.

We will not be stopped now.

- We should keep going.

Hop in.

(radio noise)

- Hello. Ring-a-ding.

Blue base, come in.

Let's go. Hello.

Come in.

- What, hello?

Vic, is that you?

- Hey, dude.

How's it going?

Been a while since we spoke.

- Why are you calling me?

- Everything been going good?

Yeah, that's great.

Listen, don't have much time to talk.

Been discussing things here at Blue Command.

We think everything is bad, and now is the time to go

attack the Red base.

Turns out the Reds are up to no good, and somebody

needs to kill them.

A good way to do that might be to send some

people through the caves.

Yeah.

Take them by surprise.

Anyway, can't talk. Gotta go.

See you la vista.

- Wait, wait, why do people keep hanging up on me?

- Huh, what's all this business?

- It looks like a bunch of computer equipment, sir.

- Excellent analysis, Simmons.

- And it's attached to some kind of TV thing.

- So it is.

Astute deduction, Donut.

- It shows all different parts of the canyon.

Look, there's our base.

- Ah, yes.

Another incredible observation from the stating the obvious

department.

Thanks for nothing, numbnuts.

(sigh)

- Simmons, Donut, you two stay here.

Grif's going to continue to help look for Andy.

- Fine.

(sigh)

I hate my job.

- Look, there's my room.

And the locker room.

And there's the showers.

Man, so many good memories.

- I hope this thing isn't connected to the internet.

- The Blues must have set this up.

Crafty devils.

Spying on us all along!

What's all that?

- That looks like blue base.

- Why would the Blues spy on themselves?

- Maybe the Blues didn't set this up.

Someone else might have.

- Or maybe the Blues are so incredibly arrogant, they just

want to see themselves on TV.

Or I bet they have those stupid

liberal equal time laws.

Commie Blue bastards.

- What if all this technology is just left over from an

ancient civilization that was way more advanced than us?

- Wait a minute.

How could an ancient civilization be more advanced?

If they were so advanced, where did they go?

- They could have mysteriously disappeared, only leaving

behind a legacy of enigmatic technology.

- That's gay.

- Oh, let's finish this fight later.

- Look, what's that?

- (gasp) That looks like Sister's armor.

- Oh no! What happened to her?

- Clearly, she's been disintegrated.

- Why would they do that?

Oh, we can't tell Grif.

He's going to be devastated.

- Tell me what?

- Tell you that your sister's been vaporized by the Blues.

- What?

- Sarge!

- Heh heh, it's just like ripping off a Band-Aid.

Quick and incredibly painful.

- We just talked about this.

I thought we agreed not to tell him.

- What?

- You really need to start thinking about other people's

feelings, Sarge.

- Son, the only thing I need to do is stay Red and die.

- What?

- I'm really sorry, Grif.

She's dead.

- How could this have happened?

Oh man.

That was my little sister.

I mean, I know we don't always see eye to eye, but I still

loved her.

- This has to be hard, Grif.

I don't know what to say.

- I, I just,

I had no idea the last time I saw her was going to be the

last time ever.

I'd give anything to see her again and just to talk to her

one last time, and I'm never going to get that chance.

It's the most empty feeling in the whole world.

- Oh hey, look!

She's not dead, she's just naked.

- What? That little slut!

I'm gonna kill her!

- Take a screenshot, take a screenshot!

- All right, I know this might feel unusual

but for this next test,

I really need you to try to keep your legs together.

No, together.

Together!

- Put your clothes back on!

What's the one thing I told you?

Don't embarrass the family!

- I don't think she's embarrassing it.

Whoa! Why is she doing splits?

- Huh.

Is this that Facebook thing I keep hearing about?

- Does this thing take dollar bills?

- Come on.

That's my sister, and you're looking at her naked.

- So? She's not our sister.

- Stop looking at her.

- Why does Donut get to look?

- Hey.

Why does the Blue base get so much more

natural light than ours?

It gives the interior a much more airy and open feeling.

- That's why Donut gets to look.

- Oh, look, she's putting her armor back on.

Uh, I mean, oh look, she is putting

her armor back on.

Good work, soldier.

- Don't patronize me.

- It looks like the Blues are having some

kind of meeting.

- What?

I knew it.

They're coming to attack our base.

Dirty backstabbers.

- I thought the Blues were supposed to attack us.

- Dirty frontstabbers.

Simmons, what are they saying?

- I have no idea.

I can't find the volume on this monitor.

And without any sound, it just looks like a bunch of helmets

bobbing up and down.

- Is that how they talk?

They look ridiculous.

- All right.

Vic called and said we should attack the

red base right away.

I don't know why, but I guess we're going to do it.

- Attack?

Shouldn't we call soldiers or the military for something

like that?

- And for some reason, he thinks it's a good idea for

some of us to go through the caves.

- Why? - I don't know. Who cares?

So me, Tex, and Tucker are going to go right up the

middle.

- What about my kid?

He can't go into battle.

- Doc, Sister, and Junior,

you guys go get lost in the caves.

- Oh.

- We'll find you after the battle's over.

Unless we die, in which case we won't find you, and you're

going to have to find us.

And if that happens, I want to be buried as far away as

possible from these two.

- Yeah, and I want to be stuffed and put on a couch

with a cooler full of beer, a bag full of cheese puffs,

nonstop reruns of "Baywatch," and,

ah, you know what?

It's all in my will.

- What about me? Can I get lost, too?

- No, Caboose.

I need you to stay here and watch Sheila.

- Yeah.

If the transfer gets interrupted, we might lose her

altogether.

- Oh, that would be bad.

- Right. Otherwise, how would you accidentally kill people?

- Hmm.

Well, I suppose I could always-

- Shut up. That was rhetorical.

Tucker, come on. Let's go going.

- When should we go?

- I, I don't care.

Just be ready to come running with the cavalry if we start

screaming in pain.

Unless Tucker starts screaming in pain, in which case, you

know, feel free to point and laugh.

- Well, little dude, I guess there's a time when every boy

becomes a man.

- Tucker, he's only three days old.

- Yeah, they grow up so fast.

- Also, he's not a boy.

He's a grub.

- The point is, you're on your own now,

and I don't have time

to tell you everything you need to know.

So here's a few brief pointers.

Invest in real estate.

There's no such thing as a permanent record.

Always eat breakfast.

All the girls on the internet are actually dudes.

And you should never, ever buy the extended warranty on

anything, ever.

Oh, also, chicks like it when you tell them they're pretty,

but they also like it when you're kind of a dick to them.

So mix it up a little.

- Tucker, let's go.

- OK, little dude.

I got to go now.

Tex needs me and Church to back her up.

- Bow chicka honk honk.

- Huh.

I guess you have been teaching him some stuff.

- Teach? You don't teach that.

That's just genetic.

- I don't see anything.

- I'll move up.

You two stay here.

- You want us to cover you?

- Yeah, cover me.

That way, I won't get hurt.

Just don't run away.

- Hey, you don't have to be a bitch.

- I don't see anything at all.

It's like they're all hiding or something.

- Uh, what do you see?

- I just said I don't see anything.

I just said that.

- Man, I hate that I never get the fucking sniper rifle!

- Oh yeah, boo-hoo.

All you've got is your stupid awesome sword.

I feel so sorry for you.

- Come on, dude, just once.

Let me use it just one time.

I won't ever ask again.

Please?

Please, please, please, please, please, please?

- Can I use the sword?

- Oh, hell yes!

- All right, fine, here.

- Oh, kick-ass.

Heh heh.

OK, no, wait.

How do I zoom?

I'm zoomed!

- Hey, Tucker, this sword doesn't even work.

What a fucking gyp.

- Now I, wait, what is this thing?

- OK, whatever, dude.

Just don't-

- Ow!

- What the fuck?

Did you just fire that thing?

- Oops. That was an accident.

- We're supposed to be sneaking up on them, dumbass.

They're gonna hear us.

Gimme it back.

- Um, yeah.

OK, take it back.

- I knew there was a reason I didn't let you use this thing

all these, hey, Tex.

What are you doing back, ow!

What the fuck did I do?

- Asshole.

- I told him to be careful with that thing.

He's just not very good with it.

(computer powering on)

- Hello, and thank you for

activating the M808,

wait a minute.

Where am I?

- Sheila, you're awake.

I am so happy.

Look, we got you a new place to live.

Now you're the big ship lady.

- I like it.

It is so roomy.

Much nicer than that stuffy old tank.

- And now you can fly.

- Are you the pilot, Caboose?

Shall I run the tutorial program?

- Hmm, yeah.

Uh, let's not do that right now.

- Look, they're invading our base!

And we're not even there to defend it.

Oh, the humiliation!

Men, this aggression cannot stand.

We'll beat those Blues all the way back across the canyon.

This is the moment we've all been training for.

- Training?

We haven't done any training.

Wait, is sleep considered training?

- Simmons, as with all our battle plans, I need you to

punch Grif in the back of the head.

Simmons?

Simmons?

- Uh-huh, yeah, I agree.

Everything you say is right.

Red Team's great.

Hooray.

- Simmons, stop watching those TVs.

- Yeah, Simmons.

Give it up.

There's not going to be any more pictures of naked girls

on there.

- Shut up!

You don't know that.

Stop saying that.

He doesn't know what he's talking about.

- Men, this won't be easy.

The Blues will be totally bunkered down.

They have both bases, which gives them an enormous

strategic advantage.

But we're the Red Team.

- Sure, you might not be the best squad, might not be smart

or energetic or have any skills that qualify you for

duty in any other legitimately recognized military unit.

However-

- Where did that flag come from?

- Flag?

Who gives a fuck about the flag?

How about who's singing?

- But with precise operations and proper communication, we

will emerge victorious.

With a little luck, one of us in particular will die a

horrible death, either at the hands of the Blues or as part

of a cunning distraction by yours truly.

- Why don't we just take over Blue base?

- Nonsense.

The Blue base are much more fortified.

Blue base has turrets.

Blue base has a tank.

- Blue base has no one in it.

- What? - Look.

See?

They're all gone.

- Where'd they go?

- They went to Red base.

That's what we've been talking about.

- But which one of these caves leads to the Blue base?

I'm all turned around down here.

- I have an idea.

See, these are dead Blues.

- Yes, Donut, we're all very happy about the corpses.

You sicko.

- Don't you get it?

When they buried you, you fell down here.

When the Blues buried these two guys, they fell in, too.

- I thought the Blues had three dead guys.

- So that means we're standing right underneath Blue base.

All we need to do is head up and take them from behind.

- Cavernous conundrum, he's right!

Let's go, men.

We'll grab their base while they capture ours.

On to glorious victory!

- Technically, that's not victory.

It's more like a stalemate.

- On to equilibrium, then?

- Yeah, that'll work.

- (sigh) This war sucks.

- Diagnostic complete.

- Uh, Sheila, have you seen Tex?

- No. I have been running a diagnostic on my new home.

I only need some minor repairs to my landing gear, but I

require a replacement ignition coil to become functional.

Do you have an ignition coil, Private Caboose?

- Um, no.

Um, but, uh, Tex wanted me to tell her

when you started talking.

Um, and I'm supposed to find her.

- My sensors indicate she is at the Red base.

- Oh no. That's the worst kind of base.

- Why did she want to speak to me?

- Oh, she just wanted to know where O'Malley is.

- Oh.

Of course.

Would you like to know where O'Malley is, Caboose?

- So by the time I got home, it was 4 AM.

And when my mom asked where I was, I told her I was riding

around on the train all night, which I guess

is technically true.

- Uh, yeah.

We don't have to talk about stuff anymore.

Let's just walk and not talk, ever again.

- Come on, little guy.

Hurry up.

- Honk!

- Oh my god.

Head.

- OK, please, really, no more stories.

- Seriously, it's a head.

Look.

- Huh?

- Oh, it's you.

- You know him?

- You speak Spanish?

- Uh, of course I do.

It's the year 2500, and I'm from America.

- Oh, cool.

Tell him O'Malley's gone.

- Who's O'Malley?

- All right, well, I guess let's break up

into teams and search the base.

- Got it.

- Tex.

Tex, are you there, Tex?

I know who O'Malley is.

- It looks like the Reds pulled out.

Does that mean we win?

- I suppose so.

I guess we have two bases in the middle

of a box canyon now.

- Whoop de fucking do.

Right, Tex?

- Don't move, O'Malley.

- Oh crap.

- And then Donut will use all our grenades to bombard the

base while we move forward in an advanced cover fire

formation.

- Got it And nobody hurts Sister.

That's my job.

- Why does Donut get to stay on the sidelines?

- Because he's got a great arm.

Heh, he could've gone pro.

- It comes from years of tossing.

- And as discussed, in the event that we are cornered and

no other options exist, Donut will make sure to save at

least four grenades, one for each of you and two for Grif.

- Anyone have a preference of frag or sticky?

Tell me now.

I don't want any complaining later on.

- Frag.

No, wait, sticky.

- Surprise me.

- I'm going to change back to frag.

- Hey, Sarge, have you thought about calling for

reinforcements?

Like when we called for the ship.

- You mean the ship that crushed you while bringing

more Blue soldiers?

Yeah, maybe we shouldn't do that.

- It's worth a shot.

They owe us one now. Come in, command.

Are you there?

Vic, are you there?

Come in.

Is this thing on?

- Does anybody hear that echo?

- Yeah.

We're in a cave, Simmons.

Caves echo, duh.

That's how bats navigate.

- No, it seems like it's coming from back the way we came.

- Did you say bats?

What bats?

Were you talking about bats?

- Um, just bats in general.

- Don't bullshit me, dude.

I heard bats.

- Hey.

Rojo amigo.

What's going on?

- Vic, we need help.

The Blues have executed a brilliant plan, and it looks

like we've fallen for it perfectly.

No doubt they're celebrating at our very own base as we

speak.

- Don't move.

- Ooh, busted.

Kill him, Tex.

I get 50:1 odds if his next death is caused by anyone but

Caboose.

- We're going to die if we don't get some help over here,

Vic.

- Uh, hey, dude. It's Vic Jr. We already covered that.

- Vic Jr., we're going to die if we don't get

some help over here.

- OK, dude.

Calm down.

Take a chill pill.

If you don't have a chill pill, take one

of those chill strips.

You put it on your tongue. It dissolves.

Chill.

I'll try to help, but someone's been here, monkeying

with my equipment.

Just give me a second, and I'll, oh no.

Oh, man. I gotta go.

Bye. Try to win.

- Hello?

I don't hear any hold music.

Please don't transfer me to India.

Hello?

Vic Jr., we're going to die if we don't get some

help over here.

- OK, dude.

Calm down.

Take a chill pill.

If you don't have a chill pill, take one

of those chill strips.

Put it on your tongue.

It dissolves. Chill.

I'll try to help, but someone's been here, monkeying

with my equipment.

Just give me a second, and I'll-

- Hello, hello?

Who's there?

- No. Oh man, I gotta go.

Bye.

Try to win.

- Who's talking down here?

Hello.

- Oh, yes. I'm still here, Vic.

We need help.

- Sarge?

- Simmons, is that you?

- Yes.

- What the, do you work at command now?

When were you promoted?

- I don't work at command.

You called me here.

It looks like this monitoring equipment is interfering with

our radios or something.

- Diabolical.

Well, get your keister back here.

Red command is useless.

- There's a news flash.

- Shut up, Grif.

- Did that order come from command?

- In fact, it did.

And they also ordered my foot to report up

your ass on the double.

- I can't believe I donated organs for this fucking war.

- Tex, I am not O'Malley.

- Bullshit.

It all makes sense now.

You were the one that told Gary where we were.

You were the one that wanted me to disable Sheila by moving

her to the ship.

And you wanted the ignition coil once I removed it.

- That's all coincidental.

It doesn't make me evil.

It just makes me a bad leader.

- Why would Caboose tell me it was you?

- You're getting information from Caboose.

- That's right.

- Dude, I'll tell you what.

If you get me killed again, I gotta tell you, this time I'm

going to be a little pissed.

- Sheila told me that O'Malley might be

inside Blue leader.

- And that's you.

- Sheila's crazy, remember?

Besides, I was never officially promoted to Blue

leader, anyway.

That's, oh no.

- So that's how you got here, Lopez?

What a strange, yet totally believable story.

- Hi there.

I don't think we've met.

I'm Captain Butch Flowers, and this is my friend.

- Hi. Nice to meet you.

Hey, wait.

Wasn't I sent here to replace you?

- Honk?

- Hey there, little guy.

I've been waiting a very, very long time to meet you.

(evil laugh)

- I am not O'Malley, I'm telling you.

It's Flowers.

- Liar. Flowers is dead.

- Then what happened to the Reds, Tucker?

Where did they go?

I certainly didn't sneak over here and scare them off in my

spare time, when I wasn't dealing with you and Tex and

that new yellow freak and that stupid, disgusting kid of

yours.

- OK, OK.

Man, I hope if Flowers is alive, that he doesn't want

this armor back.

Hey, what's up with the Reds?

- Where are they?

- Who knows? Maybe it's lunch time.

Maybe the Red Army doesn't pay overtime, and they all just

went home.

- All their stuff is here.

I don't think they evacuated.

- What do you think, Tex?

- I think we may have walked right into-

- A trap?

- Wyoming.

- OK, see?

Now, if I was O'Malley, I would have known that was

gonna happen.

- Shouldn't we rethink this plan?

- Why?

- Well, now that Simmons has cut us off

from command, we're attacking the enemy base with no

support.

- I didn't cut us off from command.

- You interrupted the radio transmission.

- No, I didn't.

Whoever Sarge was talking with

was already down in that cave.

I just walked up and started talking to Sarge in the middle

of it.

- What the fuck do you think interrupting means?

- Can it, you two.

- Yeah.

You're giving me a headache.

- Andy? Is that you?

- No, I'm the other talking bomb, Francis.

Pleased to meet you, you dickhead.

- I thought you were busy helping the enemy.

- Ah, they didn't need me anymore.

Apparently, that revived guy learned enough alien

language to get by.

And then it was, what have you done for me lately?

- Hey, what was that deal they were talking about when I was

all drugged out?

- Grif, I'm proud of you.

Admitting you have a problem is the first step.

- Fuck off, Donut.

- Baby steps, Grif.

- That new alien is here to find the old one,

and he revived the blue guy to help him.

But then something happened to him.

I don't know what.

He started acting all funky.

- The alien revived him.

- Yeah.

They don't treat life and death the same way we do.

In fact, that little guy that everyone thinks-

- We don't have time for this.

Let's go, men.

- Wait.

Take me with you!

- Andy, we're going into battle unmanned, low on ammo, and

with no support.

What use could we possibly have for a bomb?

- I could always act as a lookout.

Or a spy.

Or a chef.

Or, you know, you could always use me as a bomb.

Oh, hey, Lopez.

- Wyoming.

- Ah, yes.

Hello, Tex.

So sorry to sneak up on you when you were

busy quarreling about,

well, whatever it is exactly you people do here.

I'm guessing some kind of ditch digging or something.

- Blue team doesn't even have shovels.

Which kind of sucks, because our guys are the ones who keep

dying.

- And it looks like that trend is going to continue.

- Oh, what, you're here for Tex?

Because if you are, she's right there.

All yours, buddy.

Go for it.

- Yeah, ladies first.

- Not at all.

I'm here for your little friend.

He's very important to a lot of people.

(radio noise)

- (coughing) Excuse me.

- Now that Church is possessed by O'Malley and is evil, do

you think we'll have to kick him off the team?

Then it would be just me and my sidekick, Tucker.

That's not a lot of people on the team.

Also, I don't like Tucker.

Oh, I know.

Maybe we can convince one of the Reds to switch sides.

Then we could give them Tucker.

That would fix both problems.

- I don't know.

That doesn't seem like it would work.

(phone ringing)

- Oh, Church is calling me.

Probably to ask me to be his new best friend.

Or to infect me with a horrible computer virus.

Excuse me for a minute, Sheila.

I have to take this.

- Affirmative.

- Yes.

Hello, evil Church.

What can I do for you?

- So, Wyoming, you just showed up

here and decided to attack us.

- Uh, my name is Caboose.

- And now you've caught us at gunpoint,

and it looks like we're in big trouble.

- Now that doesn't sound like something I would do.

I think you have the wrong number.

- Here at Red base.

Wyoming.

You found us and are holding us prisoner.

At the Red base.

Wyoming.

- Uh, Red base, no.

Uh, I'm in the ship.

The ship.

Sheila, I think O'Malley has driven him crazy.

Um, he's talking nonsense.

- If only someone nearby, someone with

access to a tank, somehow knew what was going on

and could help us.

Someone, for instance, in blue armor, who somehow knew about

the situation and figured out what the fuck other people

were talking about and tried to fucking to help us, and

then we would be saved.

- Yeah, he's definitely crazy.

Hey, Sheila, where's the tank part of you going?

- Why do you keep explaining things to me?

I understand the situation perfectly.

I ambushed you, you're quivering in fear.

- Yeah. What are you, the narrator now or something?

- I just want everyone to be on the same page about Wyoming

ambushing us at the Red base.

- We know. - Wyoming.

The bad guy.

- We know!

- And we're here at the Red base, which isn't the Blue

base or the caves or the cliffs or that weird tree or

the windmill.

- We get it, dude. We're standing right here.

- Maybe we should take this from the top.

Do you want to write this down?

- No.

- I think your friend here has lost his marbles.

- Oh, you want to see crazy?

Wait until you try to take my fucking kid.

What do you want with him, anyway?

He never did anything to you.

- It's not what he did.

It's what he's going to do.

That child is very special.

- Yeah, I know.

I guess I should have read to him more or something.

- Not that kind of special, you half-wit.

I mean he's important.

- Red base. No one is in the state of Wyoming.

- There's the base.

- It looks like they're in trouble.

Is that that bounty hunter guy?

That guy's a dick.

- Ah, the blues have overextended themselves and

spread their forces too thin.

Classic blunder.

Change of plans, men.

Instead of hitting Blue base, we're going to take back our

own base.

- Tank!

- Oh shit!

- Re-change of plans, men!

- Fuck this!

- Blue base it is.

- That little alien of yours has a very important destiny

to fulfill.

And we're going to make sure he doesn't.

- Well, he's not here, so guess what?

You're shit outta luck.

- I'm well aware.

My partner is taking care of that little

acquisition right now.

I'm just here to tidy up a bit.

- How'd you sneak up on us, anyway?

Tex, I thought you were supposed to be good at this

stealth stuff.

- I am.

- Wow, that's awesome.

Good for you.

- Oh no.

Tex has gone invisible.

Whatever shall I do?

Fretting, worry.

- Dude, I wouldn't sound so smug.

She kicked your ass last time, and you weren't outnumbered

like you are now.

- (laughing) It worked!

I can't believe Caboose came through!

How do you like that, Wyoming?

We even have our tank now.

Boo-yah, motherfucker!

- (laughing smugly) Your tank?

- Knock knock, Church.

- Oh shit.

- (laughing) It worked!

I can't believe Caboose came through.

How do you like that, Wyoming?

We even have our tank now.

Boo-yah, motherfuck-

- Sheila, um, did you send the tank out there to help them?

- Negative.

- Oh.

So the tank went out there,

on its own.

- Affirmative.

- Sheila, I think they might be in trouble.

- Affirmative.

- I should help them!

- Affirmative.

- I can go out there-

- Negative.

- And help them beat Wyoming-

- Negative.

- And save the day-

- No.

- And everyone will love me!

- What?

- Especially Church!

- My sensors indicate you don't stand a chance.

- Thanks, Sheila.

This is a great plan!

- You know, I really can't thank you enough for leaving

your tank completely unattended.

It was very kind of you, old chap.

Makes your defeat and humiliation so much easier.

- Yeah? Well, great.

Glad we could help.

I'm sure if you give us enough time, we'll just kill

ourselves, save you some ammo.

- If it makes you feel any better, your death is for a

very noble cause.

- What do you want with Tucker's kid, anyway?

- What? How did we get here?

What?

- What's wrong with you?

- With me? What's happening?

- Um, we're being held prisoner.

Where the hell have you been?

- What? How?

I'm so confused.

- What do you mean, how? Are you retarded?

- But Tex. She-

- I know.

Tex'll take him out.

- Oh, right, Tex.

You mean her?

Poor Tex.

Never could figure out when she'd been beaten.

- What? How'd you know where she was?

- What do you mean?

That's where she was before.

- Before what?

Tucker, have you gone insane?

- Wait a minute.

What's going on?

- I think he knows.

- I think you're right.

- Church.

I am coming to help.

Don't start without me.

- It's the idiot.

Take care of him, quickly.

- Right.

- Caboose, no!

Stay back!

Don't get near the tank!

(scream)

- Caboose!

No!

- Whoa.

Looks like the blue on just got killed by the tank.

- A Blue got killed by their own tank?

Man, I just had the weirdest sense of deja vu.

- Hey, speaking of getting tanked, we should see if the

Blues have any beer around here.

- Hi-yo!

- Eliminate them.

- No!

Move!

Look out!

- Caboose!

Caboose!

Ah, fuck, he's not moving.

- I'm telling you, he's dead, just like last time.

- Tucker, you are going to start making sense right now.

That's an order.

- This already happened.

Wyoming shot Caboose.

Tex jumped Wyoming and knocked his gun away, and then-

- Tex is unconscious!

- Fucking A, I know.

That's what I'm saying.

(shout)

- Uh-

I hit him!

I hit him!

I can't believe I hit,

I mean, I knew this sniper rifle was awesome.

- This is just like last time.

Once Wyoming lost, everything seemed to,

reset.

- You know, I really can't thank you enough for leaving

your tank completely unattended.

It was very kind of you, old chap.

Makes your defeat and humiliation so much easier.

- Yeah?

Well, great.

Glad we could help.

I'm sure if you give us enough time, we'll just kill

ourselves, save you some ammo.

- If it makes you feel any better, your death is for a

very noble cause.

- What do you want with Tucker's kid, anyway?

- What is going on?

- Um, we're being held prisoner.

Where the hell have you been?

- Church, don't you remember any of this?

- Tucker, what the fuck are you talking about?

- He knows.

- How the devil is he keeping up with us?

- Irrelevant.

Eliminate him.

- No!

Move!

Tex, look out!

He knows where you are.

- What?

- Church, I am coming to help.

Don't start without me.

- Oh shit, I forgot about Caboose!

(gunshot)

- Argh, I am dead!

- Caboose!

No!

- Yowza.

Looks like the blue one just got sniped.

- Hey, speaking of getting sniped, we should see if the

Blues have any beer around here?

- What the fuck is that supposed to mean?

- I don't know.

It sounded a lot funnier in my head before I said it.

- Man, I just had the weirdest sense of deja vu.

- Aw crap.

- What do you mean, aw crap?

Caboose just got killed.

- Yeah, I know, but I'm pretty sure it's OK.

Somehow, Wyoming keeps looping us through the same events,

over and over again, and no one but me seems to remember.

I don't know how, but every time he gets hurt, things just

start-

- Yeah? Well, great.

Glad we could help.

I'm sure if you give us enough time, we'll just kill

ourselves, save you some ammo.

- Yeah, what do you want with my kid, anyway?

- You don't remember?

- Remember?

You never told me anything.

- I think it worked that time.

- Apparently.

Keep your eye on him next time.

- What the fuck are you guys talking about?

Oh, you know what?

Never mind. Keep talking.

Waste time until Tex kills you.

- Oh, right, dear Tex.

You mean her?

Oh, poor Tex.

Never could understand when she was-

- Beaten?

- Oh dear.

- Reggie?

- That's right, bitch.

I take care of my kids.

- I am coming to help.

Don't start without me.

- Caboose, get the fuck out of here!

- OK, bye.

I don't want to help anymore.

- Whoa.

Looks the white guy just got stabbed.

- Hey, speaking of getting stabbed,

I think I have a headache all of the sudden.

For some reason, I want a beer.

- Man, I just had the weirdest sense of, man, what's that

thing called when you think you've done something, but you

don't know if you did it?

- How the fuck should I know?

- Tucker, how did you know that was going to happen?

- 'Cause of Wyoming.

You know how Tex said every Freelancer had an AI and a

special ability?

- Yeah.

- I think Wyoming can loop us through little segments of

time, and he just keeps doing it over and over again until

he wins.

- Wait, what?

How many times did we loop?

- Who knows?

Doesn't matter now.

That cocksucker's dead.

- No, no, it does matter.

Don't you remember when we came here to begin with, I got

stuck in a loop, and every time I went back, I

left a bunch of

copies.

- Yes, everything is coming together as planned.

And these fools still have no idea.

Once the young one gets his sword, there will be no

stopping us.

- Hey, what about the other guy, dude?

Does he know about the thing with the thing?

- No, that beast does not suspect anything, either.

Everyone has played right into our hands.

(evil laugh)

OK, maybe that was a little loud.

(evil chuckle)

There.

That's better.

- They're getting away!

- Come on!

- Cut them off!

- Why aren't you being affected by any of this?

- Remember the sniper shot.

- He said it has something to do with the sword.

(shout)

- I told you to watch for the sniper shot.

- Who said? When?

- Just trust me.

- Get off the ledge, you fool. (shout)

- The cliff!

Head for the cliff!

- This time, flank him.

- That's where Tex will be.

- Are you sure?

- No, not that way.

- Now I've got you! - Whoa!

- Hey, you know what? I kind of like this new,

all- knowing, badass Tucker.

You're certainly a lot better than the old one.

- No, Church, wait!

The other way.

- Knock, knock, Church.

- Son of a bitch!

- I meant the other other way.

My bad, dude.

- I take back what I said.

You still suck.

- OK, Tex, perfect.

Now listen.

- What the hell?

Why do you guys keep giving away my position?

- It doesn't matter!

They know you're here anyway.

Duck!

- See?

- What is going on?

- Tex, this is almost going to be impossible to explain, but

he knows exactly what's going on, and we just need to trust

him.

- Trust him?

10 minutes ago, he shot me.

- Yeah, well that's, I mean, you know, come on.

He's kind of a bitch.

But don't worry.

Now that we're together, I'm sure he has an awesome plan.

Right, Tucker?

- Right. Now you guys stay here and distract the Wyomings.

I'm gonna take care of that fucking tank.

- Distract?

How?

- Not getting killed is a great way to start.

Watch your back!

- Jesus!

- Caboose, are you ready to help?

I need you to do something.

- Great.

- I need you to run out there and get the tank to shoot at

you and draw it closer to the ship.

It's going to be really dangerous.

- OK.

- Caboose, that's why I always liked you.

Everything falls into two categories.

Either you don't understand it, or you just don't care.

- Yeah, I don't really know what you mean by that, but I

guess it doesn't matter.

- Exactly.

- Why didn't you have Tex or Church help?

Is it because I'm the best?

- No, it's because Church is an asshole,

and Tex doesn't trust me right now.

- Really? Why not?

- Eh, because I got to use a sniper rifle, and I ended up

unloading a round into her ass.

- Hey chicka bum bum.

- Caboose, what did I tell you about that?

- Sorry, sorry.

- Hey, big, mean tank jerk.

Why don't you pick on someone your own size?

Yeah, that's more like it.

Uh-oh.

Uh, OK, um, Tucker, um, um, here it comes.

Tucker?

Tucker?

Um, yeah.

I, I didn't really need anything.

I,

I, I just wanted to say, um, hi?

- Now, Sheila!

- Affirmative.

- What? No!

- Did you get him, Sheila?

- I have him.

He is currently isolated behind a firewall.

He is attempting to get through, but it

will take some time.

He is not that smart.

- I heard that.

- Great.

Caboose, stay here. I'll be back in a bit.

- OK.

But I still don't know what's happening.

Good tank?

Nice tank?

- Man, that seems like a really big fight.

- Yeah.

Looks like they don't stand much of a chance.

Ha, those Blues are finally getting what they deserve.

I always knew this day would come.

- You mean, you knew that the Blues would be killed by an

unknown group of clone enemies while in control of our base,

and while we were in control of theirs?

Seriously?

You knew that was coming?

- Absolutely. It's so obvious.

Durr.

What a glorious day to be Red!

- And the best part of it all is that the Blues are finally

going to be driven out of the canyon, and we get to sit on

the sidelines.

Man, someone does all the battling, and we just have to

kick back and let them take the glory, while

we enjoy the benefits.

We don't have to do anything.

(grumbling)

- (sigh) You know, one of these days, and I don't know when,

I'm going to learn to shut my fucking mouth.

- OK, I'll take the ones on the right.

You take the ones on the left.

- There's twice as many on the left.

- I know. I can count.

- Just keep backing them up.

- Why? What are we waiting, wait a second.

What the hell is that music?

(tejano music grows louder)

(Wyomings shouting)

- Hyah!

Now that's what I call riding shotgun.

Blammo!

Ha ha.

- Excellent shot and follow-up one-liner, sir.

- Thank you, Simmons.

(shout)

- Now get to blasting.

- On it, sir.

Yeah, suck it Blue!

And you too, white, you suck it, crackers!

- Crackers?

I thought you were Dutch-Irish.

- Fuck that shit.

Shut up and drive, bitch.

Yeah, get some!

Suck it, bitch!

Oh, you want some?

How about this?

You like that?

- I got plenty more here.

- Take that, you honky motherfuckers!

- Hey, Reds.

Why don't you pick on someone your own size?

- Uh, is he going to be OK?

- I am Caboose, the vehicle destroyer!

- Yeah, probably.

- Hey, one of them's still alive.

(groaning)

- What's your plan, Wyoming?

Why are you here, and what do you want with Junior?

- He already told me.

My kid is the last part of that big

prophecy we thought failed.

He's supposed to become some big religious savior for their

whole race or some crap.

- What?

- Yeah.

So they want to make Junior fulfill the prophecy and have

O'Malley infect him.

Then they can use him to enslave all the aliens by

corrupting their religion from the inside.

- OK, that's disgusting.

- No, that's our job, to win the war at any cost.

- Yeah, well good luck.

Now that we have you, all we need to do is stop O'Malley,

and Tex will be more than happy to do that.

- Oh, on the contrary, my friend.

Now that she knows our plan, not only will she not stop us,

our dear Tex is going to help us.

- Oh yeah.

I'm sure she'd be happy to help O'Malley.

Isn't that right, Tex?

Tex?

- He's right. (radio noise)

- This is Freelancer Tex,

broadcasting on an open channel.

- Tex!

What are you doing?

- You want me, O'Malley?

Come and get me.

- Hey, Caboose.

Caboose!

Come out so I can shoot you, you fuckstick.

- Where did Caboose go?

- I don't see him.

Caboose!

- Come out, Caboose.

All we want to do is shoot you.

- Don't listen to them.

It's a trick.

- This is Freelancer Tex, broadcasting

on an open channel.

- This is Private Church, broadcasting

on an open channel.

- Why are the Blues on the radio?

- Who knows?

Hey, Blues, shut the fuck up.

Get off our radios and quit running our batteries down.

(beeping)

- Do it now, or I will kill every last one

of you, and then everyone else here as well,

just to prove a point.

(evil laugh)

- Whoa, Simmons, hey.

Don't you think that was a little over the top?

- Suck it, you fool.

- And what's wrong with your voice?

- Nothing.

Why does something have to be wrong with my voice?

Maybe something's wrong with your voice.

Ever think about that, cocksucker?

- Um, you do know that's Sarge you're talking to, right?

- I mean, cocksucker, sir!

(evil chuckling)

- This is Private Church,

broadcasting on an open channel.

- What are you doing?

- I'm making you harder to find.

Tucker!

Turn on your radio.

- Fuck that.

If O'Malley gets me, he'll get the sword.

- Attention all Blues, turn on your radio and start

broadcasting right now.

- OK, I'm on the radio too now.

This is fun.

What do you want to talk about?

- Well, he can't find you now, Tex.

- Don't get involved, Church.

Omega wants me, he can have me.

- Why?

So you can kidnap Tucker's kid and enslave an entire race?

- Yeah, what's up with that, bitch?

- We have to win the war, Church.

- Well, what about after?

Do you think Omega is just going to stop after he gets a

whole species for an army?

He's going to take over everything, Tex, and you're

not going to be able to stop him.

- I guess we'll find out.

- Hey, uh, Church?

It's Doc.

Yeah, uh, you remember that Blue leader guy down here?

Uh, he's just keeled over.

So I,

I think O'Malleys on his way.

Just FYI.

- Tex, shut off your radio.

- I would get away from me if I were you.

- Doc, any idea where he went?

- I have no idea.

And that alien buddy of his took off with Junior, too.

Uh, if you want, I could look for them on this computer down

here.

- Computer?

What?

- Yeah.

It's showing us the whole canyon.

What's with all the dead white guys?

- What computer?

Whatever.

Listen, just keep looking for him and tell me if you find

him.

- OK.

- Hey, uh, shouldn't you try to help this guy?

- What?

- Aren't you like the medic or something?

- Yeah, OK, whatever.

Shut up. You talk too much.

- Hey. You think I can use this thing to check Myspace?

(guns cocking)

- Tex.

Is he in there?

- No.

Is he in you?

- Bullshit.

I think you're lying.

I think that-

- Nothing!

Why does something have to be wrong with my voice?

Maybe something's wrong with your voice.

Did you ever think about that, cocksucker?

- Fuck!

Tucker, stop her.

- Hey, who the hell are you calling a buffoon?

I am not a buffoon.

I don't even know what a buffoon is.

- Both of you, shut up.

- Seriously, what is it?

Some kind of monkey?

It's a monkey, isn't it?

- You fool. - Hey, Reds.

- Freeze, you dirty Blue!

- No no no no.

Hey, I'm here to help.

Omega's on the loose, and I think he's infected one of

your guys.

- Infected?

Initiate Emergency Plan Delta, men.

- Ow!

What the fuck?

- I didn't say who.

I think it's actually Simmons.

- That's OK.

That's how all our emergency plans begin.

- Simmons, get off that gun right now.

- No.

- What did you say to me?

- I said no, (evil laugh).

How do you like that?

No.

- Well, since you asked, I don't like it at all.

- First, I'm going to kill you.

And then my plan to be leader of the Reds will be complete.

After that, I'm going to kill every being in the universe.

From now on, everyone will kiss my ass!

(laughing)

- Uh, yeah, it's definitely Simmons that got infected.

- Well, no shit.

Donut, initiate Emergency Plan Traitorous Simmons Number 11.

- On it, sir.

- Ow!

(gasping and coughing)

- Donut!

I said plan 11!

- Where am I going to get a steamroller?

- Simmons, do not fire that weapon.

That's an order.

- Too late, Sarge.

Simmons is getting a promotion.

Mwahaha, ow, the back of my lower leg!

Ow, the side of my head!

The back of my face!

The front of my front!

- Hey, Church, I think Tex is over here.

- Thanks for the update.

- Tex, I know now might not be the best time, but I'd really

like you to consider coming over to the Red team.

Technically, you know, black is just a really

dark shade of red.

We'll talk later.

(radio noise)

- Church, are we still talking on the radio?

'cause I'd love to talk on the radio.

What?

What am I doing in this idiot?

Hee- guh- gah- gerk.

- (sigh) Crap.

Sarge, I need you to do me a favor.

If I'm not out of there in 10 minutes, I'm going to need you

to disable that ship.

'Cause if Tex gets out of here with O'Malley and that kid,

there's no one that's going to be able

to stop her.

- What the hell was he talking about?

- Oh.

Tex and Omega have some kind of stupid plan to enslave the

whole alien race.

But Church thinks if she does, she's gonna become the queen

of the universe or some shit.

- (gasp) Queen of the universe?

No one even told me we were having a competition.

(popping sound)

- Oh crap.

- What in Sam Hill just happened here?

- I'll tell you what happened.

My own fucking teammate, ow!

- Nice to have you back, Simmons.

- Thank you, sir.

Good to be back.

Cocksucker.

- All right, then.

Let's go blow up that ship.

- Hey, Church said to wait until he gets out.

- Well, that's a nice idea, son.

But blowing up stuff ain't a democracy.

Simmons, where can we get some explosives?

- Well, if you'll recall, we recently saw Andy the bomb and

Lopez in one of the caves.

So-

- Of course. Come on, men.

Let's go ask Lopez if he knows where we can find some

explosives.

- (sigh) Excellent plan, sir.

- Man, this place has really gone to hell.

I guess maintenance isn't a priority.

Caboose!

Tex!

Anyone in here?

(metallic noise)

Who's that?

Caboose? Tex? Omega?

- Freeze!

Look, I captured someone.

I am the best.

I mean, I'm the best one that isn't Caboose.

- Great job, Simon.

- Thanks, orangest guy, whose name I really don't remember.

- Let's all go shopping to celebrate.

- Arr, let's be making him walk the plank.

- Oh.

Hey, Reds.

Hey, have you guys seen Omega or Tex?

- Stop asking questions, you.

We don't like questions in here.

Thinking of answers makes people's heads hurt.

- Hey, guys, what's up?

- Tucker?

How did you get in here?

- I'm in here all the time.

I have this sword now.

You might think it's cool, but it isn't.

Nobody wants to play with it because it's dumb, and even

though I don't let people play with it, no one cares anyway.

Because it's dumb.

- Oh.

Right.

Tucker.

- Also, I'm stupid and ugly, and my butt stinks.

Like a butt.

- All right, OK, OK.

Guys, listen.

I need you to take me to Mr. Caboose.

Can you do that?

- (gasp) Why would we do that?

- Oh.

Uh, because I am, ugh.

Because I'm his best friend.

- Oh. Nice to meet you.

- Jolly good day, Mr. Caboose.

We be having a prisoner for you, we do.

- I thought you had a pirate accent.

- Arr, I'm not very consistent.

Yarr.

- Caboose, hey.

It's me, Church.

- Yes. Hello, Church.

You must be very happy to see me.

- Yeah, right, of course.

I'm so happy, I want to fucking puke.

- Hey, what's up.

- Hey, who the fuck are you?

Sister?

- Yup, I'm Sister.

Church's twin brother.

I came here in a spaceship that came from the moon.

It crashed next to Blue base, and now I live with Caboose,

and the people from the tail section of the spaceship live

on the other side of the island.

- What the fuck? That's like wrong in eight different ways.

- Yeah, I know. Tell me about it.

- Caboose, do you ever listen to anything that we tell you?

- New Church is my best friend.

- I would argue with that, too, but what's the point?

- Did I mention that I had a baby, but I won't tell anyone

how babies are made?

Not that it matters, because everyone knows how anyway.

Stupid babies.

- OK, enough.

Has anybody seen Tex or Omega?

I'm in kind of a rush.

- I haven't.

But you know who might know?

Those two new people that we saw fighting over by the ramps.

We could ask them.

- OK.

Let's go do that.

Oh shit.

They're not fighting. That's bad for me.

All right, Tucker, quick.

I need you to jump out there and kill them with your sword.

If they die in here, they get forced out of Caboose's head.

- No way! That sounds scary!

You do it.

I'm going to get back to my busy day smelling butts.

- Dude, I can't!

Your sword only works for y, wait a minute.

There's no possible way he understands that.

Fuck it. Give me the sword, dude.

- OK, Andy.

We're going to need you to get in that ship and explode.

You think you can take out the whole thing?

- You bet!

Just say the word, and I'll detonate.

Man, this is gonna be great!

- Hello, Lopez.

- Yes.

It is good to see you again.

- Oh, Lopez.

Looks like your girlfriend's put on a little weight.

- Andy, that's rude.

- What?

You were all thinking it.

I mean, I'm just saying.

Someone should seriously consider

switching to unleaded.

- But I have your word that none of them will be hurt.

(evil laugh)

- Tex, get away from him!

Stab!

Boo-yah!

- No! Dammit, Church!

- Awesome. I'm like a fucking Jedi.

Oh, fuck. They're both dead.

Quick. Somebody kill me.

Quick. Hurry, please.

Somebody, anybody, please, just fucking kill me!

- Why?

- Because I need to get out of here.

Come on, please.

Hurry, quick, just kill me, please.

Hurry. It'll be fun.

I'm a dick.

- None of our guns work.

We just have them for show.

- Mine is just a purse.

- Ah, you know, never mind.

(grunt)

- Hey, can I ask you one quick q-

(popping sound)

- Caboose, what happened?

- Tex appeared out of nowhere and beat up Tucker, which was

awesome, and took his sword.

Also, someone may have been surprised by that and peed his

pants just a little bit.

Or a lot.

- I was only behind him like 30 seconds.

What the fuck? Where is she?

- She took the sword and a Wyoming helmet to the ship.

I think she went to the ship to save Tucker's kid.

He's on the ship too now.

- Fuck! What about O'Malley?

Where's he?

(radio noise)

- (laughing)

That's the problem with living in a patriarchal society.

Men just automatically assume they know everything

(laughing)

- Never mind.

(popping sound)

- Huh?

What is this place?

Hey, buddy, are you OK?

(electrical noise)

- What's that noise?

Well, fuck.

- Hello, fellows.

How's everything going out here?

- Not good.

Hey, you don't sound evil anymore.

- Thanks for noticing, private.

Yeah, being possessed by an evil force can be

difficult at times.

But with a little hard work and positive thinking, you can

overcome anything.

- I think you mean hard work, positive thinking, and no

longer being useful as a pawn in their evil plan.

- Yeah, that too.

So who are we fighting today?

- Oh, you know, the usual.

Tex, Red team.

- Red team.

Those old rascals.

Some things never change.

They still wearing red armor these days?

- Um, yeah.

- Oh, Red team.

- Hey, I could use some help.

- You bet.

And I have some information about the Reds that will

guarantee our victory.

- You do?

- I certainly do.

Would you like to hear it?

- Yeah, I wanna hear it.

- Great.

Because I'm just about to tell you.

- OK, why aren't you telling me?

- Good question.

I seem to be dramatically pausing for some,

ker bleaahh.

- Well, good riddance.

I wasn't giving this armor back, anyway.

- Whoa, easy, Donut.

You've been infected by a computer virus, and we just

need to figure out what to do about it.

- (goofy evil laugh) No!

It's my body, it's my choice.

And another thing, why do I do as much work as you guys, but

I only make 92%-

- Hey, don't hit my soldiers without my permission.

I'm the one who gets to hit my soldiers.

(evil laugh)

Yeah, eat lead, world.

Drop and give me infinity.

- Sarge, you've finally gone crazy.

Whoa, that's weird.

I have a sudden urge to conquer the universe.

Which is odd for me because, well, that

would take actual work.

I think I'll just fall asleep instead.

- We're here.

Is anyone hurt?

Does anyone need to be killed?

(evil laugh)

- I know that laugh.

Nobody move.

You know what, I don't really feel all that different.

(semi-evil chuckle)

Nah, feels pretty much the same.

That's, that's kinda weird.

I maybe expected more?

(radio noise)

- Where'd he go?

Where'd he go?

Is he gone?

(beeping)

- Tex?

- Church, run.

- Tex, don't!

- You have no idea what kind of trouble you are in.

- Wait, Tex, you don't want to do this.

- Sheila, are you ready?

- All systems online.

Ignition coil activated.

Starting thrusters.

- Launch when ready.

- Please take your seats.

Launching in three, two, one.

- Tex, don't do this.

- Liftoff.

- Goodbye.

- We have to stop her right now.

- No problemo, Blue.

(radio noise)

- Andy, you there?

- I'm here, Coach.

- What's going on?

- Tex is hooking up Wyoming's helmet to the computer.

- Ready for your job, soldier?

- You bet!

- All right then, son.

Do what you were born to do.

Detonate.

- Hey, you want me to start from 10 or three?

Come on, let's build it up a little bit.

Suspense, it'll kill them.

- I told you to disable the ship, not destroy it!

- Oh, well, score one for the Red team, I guess.

- What about my kid?

- Six.

- Oh, right.

Score two.

- Four.

- Andy, do not-

- Three.

- Detonate.

Can you see her heading?

- Two.

- Do you know where she's going?

- One.

- Tex?

- Boo, no explosion.

That sucked.

- Ha ha, blammo!

- Wow, that explosion was awesome.

- What explosion? I didn't see it.

Do it again.

- Uh, Church, what should we do?

- Do whatever you want.

I'm going home.

- Yeah, fuck this.

- Sarge, are we fighting?

- No, Simmons, I think they've had their ass kicked enough

for one day.

Let's leave some for tomorrow.

♪ Roses are red and violets are blue ♪

♪ One day, we'll cruise down Blood Gulch Avenue ♪

♪ It's Red versus Red and Blue versus Blue ♪

♪ It's I against I and me against you ♪

- Church?

- Yeah?

- You ever wonder why we're here?

- You know, Caboose, I used to not care.

I just went along with orders and hoped that everything

would work out for me.

But after all that's happened, you know what I've learned?

It's not about hating the guy on the other side because

someone told you to.

I mean, you should hate someone because they're an

asshole or a pervert or snob, or they're lazy or arrogant or

an idiot or a know-it-all.

Those are reasons to dislike somebody.

You don't hate a person because someone told you to.

You have to learn to despise people on a personal level,

not because they're Red or because they're Blue,

but because you know them,

and you see them every single day,

and you can't stand them because they're a complete

and total fucking douchebag.

- I meant why are we up here in the sun, when we could be

standing down there in the shade.

- Oh.

Yeah, OK.

Let's go stand in the shade.

- What are they doing?

- What?

- I said, what are they doing now?

- I don't know, man, talking.

That's all these guys ever do.

They just stand around and talk.

- What are they talking about?

- You know what? I hate you.

- Yeah. I hate you too, buddy.

- Hey, ladies, get down here.

I built a new vehicle from some old Warthog parts we had

laying around.

- It's an ATV!

It's awesome.

- Front and center on the double.

We need help naming this thing.

And nothing stupid this time.

- I get to name this one.

- Why?

- Because you named the last one.

- Hey, Simmons?

Just one thing.

- What?

- Shotgun.

- Fuck.

♪ Violets are blue, roses are red ♪

♪ Living like this, we were already dead ♪

♪ Hop in my car, it don't have any doors ♪

♪ It's built like a cat, it lands on all fours ♪

♪ My car's like a puma, it drives on all fours ♪

(upbeat music)

♪ Cyan is the sparkle in the sky ♪

♪ Yellow sun reflected in your eye ♪

♪ Red flows through the passion in your art ♪

♪ Cobalt blue, the wisdom in your heart ♪

♪ When we're together, colors don't matter much to us ♪

♪ When we're together, eight bits is enough for us ♪

♪ Corazon feathers flying inside the copper line ♪

♪ When we're together, they are yours, and they are mine ♪

♪ Dark is for the killer that's inside ♪

♪ Light surrounds the goodness that you hide ♪

♪ Purple hearts are tugging at our sleeve ♪

♪ We stole fire ♪

♪ Now there's nothing left to thieve ♪

♪ When we're together, colors don't matter much to us ♪

♪ When we're together, eight bits is enough for us ♪

♪ Corazon feathers flying inside the copper line ♪

♪ When we're together, they are yours, and they are mine ♪