Original subtitles

(dog barking)

- [Alex] Harry!

' AQHin?

Bijoux.

Bijoux.

- She hates me.

- It's nothing personal.

- I was voted most popular in my junior high.

I was president of my dorm.

I was prom queen.

Everyone at the office,

they threw me a great big surprise Party.

Which they didn't do for anyone else.

God, I hate being hated.

- I sort of like having two women fight over me.

I just wish Bijoux looked like Michelle Pfeifer.

Not that Michelle Pfeifer's beautiful, or anything.

Alex?

- Harry, do you know what this is?

- Your purse?

- My shoe.

- Oh.

Bijoux I told you, never snack between meals.

Look, Alex, I'm really sorry,

I just can't figure out what's gotten into her lately.

- I am perfectly capable of finding humor in this,

too, you know.

- Thanks a lot.

- I'll just be laughing about it in my apartment,

which is where I'll be,

if you want to see me,

'cause I'm not coming here anymore,

as long as Cujo is around.

- You're being ridiculous.

The dog.

Look!

See.

We may be in business.

(barking)

- I don't think so.

I'm out of here.

- Alex.

I just, I want to apologize for your shoe.

- That's my purse.

(upbeat music with saxophone)

(phone ringing)

- I don't get it.

All of a sudden, Bijoux just turned on Alex

for no reason.

- Right.

My dog and Henderson went through a similar phase

when Grammy came out to visit me.

He took her leg, and buried it in the backyard.

She has a fake one.

We never found it, until one of the neighbors did,

and it was not good.

- [Hooperman] Did Ed ever get over his phase?

- Oh yeah.

Once he went through analysis, he was fine.

- Stop' stop' stop.

You sent your dog to a shrink?

- Yeah, Ed was in therapy for 12 years.

- Talk to me.

You're not going for this, are you'?

Nothing personal.

As a cop, I respect you, but,

outside of that, you're a total gonzo.

- Oo.

When they start calling me names,

I know I'm one of the boys.

This is great.

We'll hang out together.

I'll come over to the house for dinner.

Your little girls will get a crush on me.

Old Uncle Roy, huh?

The wife will fix me up with available women.

There'll be a play set for me at the table at Christmas.

Or we could pretty much keep to ourselves,

exchange fruitca kes, whatever.

Listen, you want to fix your doggy?

Huh? Dr. Laslow.

Animal behaviors.

Saved Ed's life, and mine.

Call, if you care.

- Listen.

- Here he is, right here.

- He grabbed me, pulled me out of the car,

and took the car, and drove off with Bob

in the back seat.

- Sir. Sir, calm down, and sit down.

In whatever order you like.

Now, just, please.

Now, who took your car?

- I don't care about the car.

I care about Bob.

See, Bob's in the back seat,

and he can't move by himself.

- All right, Bushkin!

Bushkin, get ready to take a description

of a possible kidnapping!

Would you describe him?

- Well, he's got dark hair,

and he's got a mustache,

and he was wearing his favorite plaid jacket.

- Bushkin, the victim has dark hair,

a mustache, and wore a plaid jacket.

What about age, height, any distinguishing characteristics?

- Like 35 years old, he's almost three feet tall,

and he's 100% hickory.

- 35, almost three feet, and 100% hickory.

We're not talking about a human being here, are we?

- We're talking about my friend.

You think I'd give away half my soul

to just anybody?

- Look, Mr.

- Cosgrove. Pete Cosgrove.

I'm Pete and Bob Show.

See, I'm a ventriloquist.

- Well, we'll look for your car,

but we can't put an APB out on a dummy.

- Dummy?

Let me tell you something about Bob.

The only thin in the world that Bob owns

is the shirt on his back, and yet,

he's given laughter to millions of kids,

most of them in hospitals.

He's gone across ice and snow for like ten miles

so that the kids in an orphanage

can have the best Christmas they ever had.

(phone ringing)

If that's not real, then nothing is.

I want him back.

(people talking)

- Bushkin.

- Yeah.

- Put out that APB on Bob.

- With the hickory?

- Yeah.

- Come on, come on.

Come on, Princey.

Good dog.

No, Prince, wait, wait, don't stop.

Prince, my suit.

Prince! Prince!

- Is that a female dog?

- Yes.

- Thank god.

Because Fifi, here, is a recovering nymphomaniac.

(dog whimpering)

You seem a little nervous.

This must be your first visit.

- Yes, it is.

Dog is having some trouble with my girlfriend, you know,

biting her.

- I know all about that.

My husband had a girlfriend, and I bit her.

- Mrs. Skyles.

I think we have had a major breakthrough today.

I got Skipper to stop saying the F word.

- Oh, thank you, Dr. Laslow.

Thank you. Thank you.

- Next.

Being a policeman, I suspect you're not around the house

a lot.

Do you two share quality time together?

- Well, no, but.

- Let me just ask you, Mr. Hooperman.

How exactly do you feed your dog?

- How do I feed the dog?

I open up a can, and,

spoon out some food, and give it to her.

I mean, what?

Is there another way?

- When she makes little messies,

what do you do?

- I clean it up.

- When you walk her,

do you take the curb side, to show protection,

as you would with any female?

- I'll tell you, I don't really think about that.

- See, I know Bijoux attacks your girlfriend,

but I sense the real problem is between you and her.

Her being the girlfriend.

First, we work on that.

Do you really like this woman?

- Yes.

I date her, and we're close.

Getting closer.

- That doesn't sound too positive to me.

- Wait a minute.

We're here to discuss Bijoux.

- This is all part of it.

Sometimes, people project their own faults

and character behavior on their pets.

How often do you groom Bijoux?

- I don't groom her.

- Whoa.

You don't groom your dog.

- No, I don't.

She doesn't have enough hair to groom.

Oh sure, once in a while, I'll lick her behind the ears,

get those hard to get places,

maybe tidy up, and I get hairballs.

Listen, Dr.

- Just relax.

Mr. Hooperman

Everything's gonna be fine.

Do you ever call this dog a bad dog?

- Well yes.

I mean, when she chews my socks, or bites my girlfriend,

yeah.

- You must remember something.

There are no bad dogs, Mr. Hooperman, just bad owners.

- This what I'm talking about, right here.

See.

- Hey man, this here's a dummy.

I thought you were talking about a missing person.

If you want a dummy, what about Eddy here?

- I can't do this, man.

I mean, we can't go around and ask these dudes

if they boosted a car with a wooden guy in it.

I mean, we gotta live around here.

' He)', Young punk.

How would you like to live in Juvie for a while, huh?

- Now, Clarence, come on.

We mustn't let the fact that every time

we're in this neighborhood, your car stereo

is migratory, influence your attitude

toward our young friends here.

- I'm tired of being diplomatic.

We've been at this thing all day.

Let me take one of these guys for a ride, huh?

You, Jerry!

Come on, I'll drive,

and you sit on my antenna, huh?

- McNeil, remember, we're trying to cut down

on that, and I don't think we have enough gas.

Excuse me.

Jerry, can I talk to you for a second?

You know that I'm not the kind of guy who says stuff

like, "You owe me," but pal, you do owe me.

Did I not come to your sister's wedding?

Did I not wait patiently until after they threw the rice

before I arrested her new husband?

Am I not, as we speak, resisting the urge

to turn you upside down, and shake stuff out

of your pockets, which, I'm sure,

did not belong to you last night?

You know, I imagine I could take the day off,

and do my civic duty, couldn't we, boys?

V\/hat's this dude's name again?

- Bob.

100% hickory.

Now, over here, Bijoux.

We have what we call the lock up.

You see, Bijoux, anything this man says can

and will be used against him in a court of law.

What are you looking at?

Looking at the lady in the red dress?

A lot of people are.

That's why she's here.

Oh, here's Inspector Sullivan.

We call him Sully.

See him write his name?

He writes his name fast, doesn't he.

Say hi to Bijoux, Sully.

- You know what they say to people who talk

to their animals like that?

Mr. Hooperman, it's time for your shock treatment.

- For your information, Bijoux's psychiatrist

says I have to spend some more time with her,

and I have to talk to her.

- You want to know how to talk to your dog?

You got four legs, you poop outside,

your breath really stinks.

Live with it.

You're a dog!

- Oh, no, no, no, no.

You're not a dog. No, no.

No. No, no, no.

This is not an animal.

This is loyalty.

This is unconditional love.

This is who you cry to when there's no one there

to take your call.

When your girl ditches you,

and there's a loud, probably very fun party

going on upstairs that everybody else

in the apartment complex is invited to,

except you.

This, my friends, is who you hug.

There are no long shots here.

You can bet your life that this dog.

(growling)

Never turn her back on you.

(growling)

- I think if we pry her jaw open slowly,

we can save the finger.

- I'll get ice.

- Thank you.

- Don't make any sudden movements.

(dog barking)

You can't come in, if you don't come in.

(light music)

- I'm gonna buy her love.

- Alex, Bijoux is a totally new dog.

Dr. Laslow told us that her anger and aggressiveness

is transference.

The person she's really mad at is me.

(barking)

(screaming)

Bijoux, come on.

You just have nicer ankles.

- I have had it with her.

- I'm doing everything I can.

- She obviously doesn't want to share you with anyone else.

- Well, at least she's trying.

Dr. Laslow said she broke down in therapy twice,

yesterday.

- Happy?

You win.

You can have him.

I can't compete with you.

I don't know how.

I suppose I could get flees.

- Sta)'-

Listen to you, Alex.

You're fighting with a dog.

- Harry, you're in therapy with a dog.

- Because of you.

- Are you defending her?

- You're the problem.

- Then let me be the cure.

- Alex, Alex, can I.

Would you please?

One of these days.

(knocking)

You see that? She's back.

This proves the she's a bigger person than you are.

I love you.

- Wow.

Talk about something you don't expect to hear.

Ed's 24, you know?

He's outlived all his friends.

Bijoux's his first friend in at least seven years.

I don't know if I believe in reincarnation,

but there's a good chance that Ed

was my piano teacher.

- Yeah, well, in that case,

Bijoux has got to be Ruth Patrovic.

She was a girl who got a crush on me in grammar school,

so she told all the other girls I had cooties,

so they'd stay away from me.

- Yeah.

- You know what, Roy?

I'm gonna take B“ to a vet.

I think her problem is more physiological

than psychological, you think?

- Right, well, you know, you can't get too much medical help

these days.

At least that's what people tell me, anyway.

- Bijoux.

- I'm all right, I'm all right!

- The hatred of certain sexes is probably one

of the strangest manifestations

of unstableness in canines.

But, first things first,

let's examine the owner's mind, shall we,

by posing the question, has she or he

ever had a grudge against the opposite sex.

- No. - Yes.

- What?

- We've had our moments, and I'm sure I'm not the only one

moments have been had with.

- I think we should keep our old relationships

out of this.

That's unfair, right, doctor?

- All right, let's just move on.

Have you two ever fought,

or had harsh words in front of the dog?

- Never. - Yes, we have.

- No, we haven't.

- We have, too.

- [Hooperman] No we haven't.

- [Alex] We have.

- [Hooperman] We have not.

- [Alex] Have.

- Are you crazy?

When did we ever fight in front of the dog?

- All the time.

- Well, you obviously have.

What did you fight over?

- We fought over the dog.

- In front of the dog?

You fought over the dog, in front of the dog.

- I can't believe.

This is ridiculous.

- I need a drink of water.

- Aren't we forgetting something?

- Oh, right.

(whimpering)

- You're leaving the site of the dog.

- Right.

(whimpering)

Bijoux.

(whimpering)

- Now, see, that's good.

See, look how much progress we have made

in just one session.

We have gone from hatred to loathing.

And, she didn't draw blood.

(Seagulls)

- Hooperman.

Am I to understand that you put out an APB

and conducted a street search for a ventriloquist dummy?

- Where did you hear that, Captain?

- From everyone.

- Then it's true.

- Well, I want you to intensify the search.

Put more men on it.

- Captain?

- When I was a little girl, I used to watch his show

every afternoon at three o'clock.

It came on right after Divorce Court.

I loved his show.

I want Bob back on Pete's knee.

- Captain, I hate to be the one to tell you, but,

some of my street pals brought Bob in this morning,

and, well.

- Oh my god.

That is the saddest, sickest thing I have ever seen.

What kind of a maniac would do something like this?

Sometimes I hate this job.

- I heard you found Bob.

Can I see him?

- You don't want to see him.

- He's dead.

They killed him.

But how can you be sure it was Bob?

- Parts of him matched his publicity photo.

- My life is over.

- Well, maybe not, Pete.

Maybe not.

I got you something.

(phone ringing)

He's made out of pine.

Not hickory.

The pawn shop owner said his name is Arney.

Arney, this is Pete.

Pete, Arney.

And it's not as if you'll be going onstage

with an amateur.

The broker said he got him from a guy who works Reno.

(phone ringing)

- My only friend of 35 years is gone.

You offer me this?

My life is really over.

(people talking)

" [Arney] Go on.

Get out of here, you drippy-eyed inbred

son of a bow-legged sailor.

- Who said that.

- My first year of Hamlet,

when he stuck his hands in the potato masher.

You think Bob had a smart mouth, doofus?

You couldn't handle me for a crowd warm-up

in East Hades, Texas.

- You're ugly, you know that?

You're bad shellack on bad wood.

I wouldn't keep you in the trunk of my car.

- Get your hands off me, you pervert.

- Let me ask you something.

You think you could sing the National Anthem

while I drink a glass of water?

- Are you kidding?

That's old hat.

I'm looking for a guy who can get me to rap

while eating a banana and peanut butter sandwich.

- You know, I had a very special kind of friendship

with Bob.

We kinda hated each other.

- Ah, look at that.

Dumbds mother's crying.

- Shut up.

- You don't wear dentures, do you?

You know, I hate it when I'm clicking,

and my partner's clicking.

Click click click click.

- Probably sounds like a marimba band on a cruise ship.

- Hooperman!

Veterinarian, line two.

- Thank you!

Yes, hello, Dr. MacFarlane.

Wait, I don't see how that's possible.

No, she stays in the apartment all day long,

and I take her for walks at night.

She doesn't associate with any male dogs.

Thank you for the information, doctor.

Oh Roy, Roy.

Tell me again just how old is Ed.

- Ed will be 25 this July.

That would make him 175 in human years.

- Well, he's pretty damn frisky.

The vet just informed me that Bijoux

is about two weeks away from popping out

a litter of mongrels just like her.

No wonder she's been behaving like this.

But that's not the big question, Roy.

The big question is, how does a female dog

get compromise when the only male dog

she's been hanging around with,

is allegedly too old to have the sperm count

of a tree.

- Hey, whoa, right there, amigo, okay.

Now, I never said anything about Ed being too old.

Ed is a classic, and anything that he was involved in,

I can guarantee was beautiful.

(phone ringing)

We're gonna be kin.

(laughing)

- [Hooperman] The vet said to let it all happen by itself.

- The beauty of nature, huh?

There.

Close to the hearth.

She's got a nice view of the city, and,

plenty of room for Ed's bed.

- Ed's bed?

- Yeah, it's in the car.

I'll get it.

- Hold it, Roy.

Why would Ed need his bed in here,

unless he planned on sleeping in it?

- Ed loves kids.

He's very excited about this.

I said he could stay.

- I say he can't.

- Hoopy, come on, now.

I know you.

You would not deprive old Ed the joys of fatherhood

in his autumn days.

(bark)

- What am I gonna do with a bunch of puppies?

What kind of a breed is Ed anyway?

- Apache.

- Apache?

- Apache.

Ed is a direct descendant of Geronimds dog.

Look.

See that trackless vista locked into those eyes?

Huh?

All right, maybe he's a little golden retriever

thrown in there.

(knocking)

- Hey-

- Hi, Harry, I heard about Bijoux.

Can I come in?

- Are you wearing your shin guards?

- I gotta confront her now, Harry.

Now that I know the situation, I think we got this beat.

- I really appreciate that.

- You're appreciation is dinner at a restaurant

of my choice for two weekends in a row.

- She's in the kitchen.

- [Roy] Hi, Alex.

- Hi, Roy.

Congratulations, Ed.

Bijoux.

Bijoux.

Hi.

Hi.

I just want to say, congratulations.

I'm sure you'll be a great mommy.

What do you say?

Can we be friends?

Yeah.

Yeah, we can be best buddies.

You know, I got a lot of friends

who've been through this.

You get fat for what seems an eternity.

You can't sleep at night, you get sick in the morning,

you get hemorrhoids, you get moody,

and, of course, once you have kids,

you can never get your figure back.

(bark)

No.

No more.

See.

All she needed to know is where the line is drawn.

He didn't need to waste all that money on that doctor,

did he?

- You know, she's right.

You didn't need all that,

but I think that you and Alex could use a little therapy.

I know just the guy, and I would suggest seeing him

separately to get all the barnacles out.

- I'm seriously considering the Vwedersehen therapy.

- Vwedersehen therapy?

Oo, that sounds heavy.

Very Jungian. Very German.

- It is.

- As in, aufwiedersehen, like, goodbye?

- You got it.

I feel better already.

UaZZy music)