Original subtitles

- Hey, what are you doing? The banner goes up!

We're celebrating!

- Celebration is off.

- Sweeney didn't get the job.

- Sweeny didn't get the--

Stay calm, don't overreact and kill the messenger.

Sweeney was a shoe in, he's a great cop! What happened?

- Wrong blood type, not the same as the Commissioner's.

His nephew got the job.

- He looks like he's got hair on his back, I hate that.

- I don't believe this.

I can't stand nepotism.

- Me too, cause I was never related

to anybody I could use it for.

- Well whoever this guy is, he's not on my A-list.

Actually none of you people are.

- Whoever this guy is, he took a job away

from a cop who deserved it, so as far as I'm concerned,

I want nothing to do with him.

- Amigo!

- Oh no. Roy? (Roy laughs)

- Oh, deja vu. Deja vu, I get them all the time.

- Hooperman, you know him?

- How you doing, Roy Andrews. Nice to meet you.

- Didn't I see you on the cover of a chili can?

- I can't believe you're a cop!

- I know! Neither can anybody else.

- Hooperman, you're gonna break in detective Andrews.

You'll take him on stakeout with you.

- You mean on the Misaros case?

But why me?

- Cowboy! You're the reason I came here!

- That's why.

' OWW!

- Oh sorry, I'm sorry.

Listen, I told uncle Arny that were tight,

you know, compadres. He transferred me to this precinct

right away. How you doing big guy?

Roy Andrews, nice to meet you.

All right.

Guy, guy, QUY. QUY-

This is memory. This is memory happening right now.

You, me, out there, lives on the line, stakeout.

Working nights. Oh, oh, brainstorm, sparks are flying.

Nights, days. I write songs, you know.

Working nights, sleeping days.

Huh? Country, heavy metal, what d'you think?

Can I borrow a pencil.

' OWW!

- Oh, I'm sorry! - Get away from me!

- I'm sorry! - Get away from me.

- Ow, you're on my foot! - I'm sorry!

- Ow, jeez! Just--

Listen, I think I'm gonna go jump off a bridge now

and save him the trouble of finishing me off later.

(upbeat music with saxophone)

I don't deserve this guy. Who gave you those?

- None of your business.

- Captain, I can't take Roy with me on the stakeout!

He's the missing link, the man would make Jerry Falwell

believe in evolution. You gotta help me.

- Hey! - I'm so sorry!

- Okay Captain, all right, right here.

Here's a blank check. Fill in the amount, all right? Please?

Captain I'm this close to bagging Misaros!

I know he's gonna make a major drop at his cousin's!

- Oh that's another thing, Detective Andrews believes

that Misaros is gonna make the drop

at the home of his sister's fiance.

So we'll be staking out another location.

- Why? Because that clam dip said so?

- No, because that clam dip's father

is the Commissioner's brother.

Look, I requested Detective Sweeney.

I got inspector Clouseau.

He's been kicked from four other precincts.

The man is a bone top. You want to know what I said

to the Commissioner when he told me about this?

I said "Thank you Commissioner,

"for this wonderful opportunity." (phone rings)

And you want to know what you're

going to say about breaking him in?

"Thank you, Captain, for this wonderful opportunity."

Yes? Hi, yeah.

Thank you Captain, for this wonderful opportunity.

Yeah they're right here, they're beautiful!

- Hey Roy?

What's this about changing the stakeout'?

Wait a minute, wait--

Is this George Jetson?

- Yeah. Read what he wrote to me, man.

Oh! Where's the TV room? Wrestling's on.

Bambito the Jungle Woman vs Auntie Maim.

Not your ordinary match!

See they're both in love with the Amazing Boulderhead.

Course, he's still in a coma from his last match.

Oh, I haven't seen romance like this

since Lady and the Tramp. Seriously.

- I want this place to have a theme, a continuity.

I don't know, you're the decorator. Say cheese, Bij.

- Okay. You know my fee, I know your budget.

We'll pray for a miracle.

- Well you mean you've already got some ideas?

- That wall goes.

- Oh but Annie, no no no, this is one of my favorite walls.

- We'll give you the feel of a New York loft.

Open spaces, area dividers, that sort of thing.

- But isn't that for guys who wear earrings

and buy their tans in mini-malls'?

- Do I look like I have that type of taste?

- I just meant--

- Am I hired or not?

- I'd just like to see some more ideas.

- Then I'd like to be alone.

You're a cop, go solve a crime.

- Annie! - I have work to do.

- No you don't understand. - Goodbye.

- That's my apartment!

- A-huh! A-huh! I do that same thing myself, all the time!

It's kind of a territorial thing, you know?

That's my place, that's my couch! Yeah, yeah.

It's like solidifying your location in the universe.

- Hey Roy. - It's very, very evolved.

- Why aren't you in your location in the universe right now?

- Just stopped by to say thank you, man.

My first day on the job was primo.

- Really, I had nothing to do with it.

- And I don't just say thank you, I do thank you.

I do like a whole thank you package.

- Whatever it is, I don't deserve it.

- Oh, yes you do pal of mine!

Hey, order whatever you want! I like anything.

This is your evening, my Musketeer.

Hey, you know what word I miss? Groovy.

Let's start using it again, maybe people

will pick it up, it'll come back.

- [Waitress] What do you think, may I help you?

- Uh, we'd like the, uh, the uh, egg roll.

Cashew chicken, shrimp and lobster sauce.

(Roy groans)

Is there a problem, Roy?

- No! No problem.

- Fine, I'd like--

- No problem at all.

- Perhaps you'd like to make a suggestion?

- Well, only if you insist.

(speaking in Chinese)

Two orders. (speaks in Chinese)

Oh right, I forgot the vegetarian pho-smoked goose.

- Where did you learn to speak Chinese?

- Oh, you pick it up.

You know, I could write a song

with groovy in the lyrics, huh?

- Look Roy, I've got to clear the air.

I've been on the Misaros case for nearly a month.

You walk in and suddenly we're changing

the location of the stakeout, based on what?

- A hunch? A gut feeling?

As you know, Juan Misaros is notoriously superstitious.

- He is? He is!

- Right! So check out the address of

the place that you were staking out.

1331 Fairmont Lane, Apartment 13.

The man's a tricodecaphobic.

Terrified of the number 13?

And what's the nearest cross street? 13th Street.

Now, where does his sister's fiance live?

7th Street. Lucky seven, Bwana.

- I know where Mr. Misaros is going to make the drop,

it's too important. He's not going to let

a silly address screw him up!

- Oh. Excuse me, Mister I-can-never-be-wrong.

- Excuse me, Mister Know-it-all.

- Hey, I'm rubber, you're glue.

Whatever you say bounces off me and sticks to you.

- Sticks and stones may break your bones,

but so will my night stick.

- That doesn't even rhyme.

- It's the thought that counts.

Listen, I don't have to let this happen!

- Yes you do! - Do not.

- Do too! - Make me.

- I don't make monkeys, I train them!

Besides, the Commissioner's my uncle!

- [Waitress] Here you go.

- Food's here.

At least at the last watch we had heat and running water.

This place would depress the Donner party.

- Hey, no problem. I have for you, blankies.

One for you, one for me. Coffee?

Regular and decaf, I don't know what you took.

Home made vichyssoise.

I brought for you some curried yogurt dip.

A little scallop ceviche, some cheese puffs.

- Cheese puffs?

- Yeah, I like to putter in the kitchen.

And oh, I would like to introduce you

to Ed Henderson. Ed?

- Ed Henderson, the dog has a last name?

- Sure. Don't you?

- I can't leave him alone in the apartment

all by himself all night, he's 24.

- In dog years?

- No no, in dog years he's 192.

- You're joking.

- I neverjoke about Ed Henderson.

Sashimi strips?

- Okay, we're here. So uh, we'll,

we'll take two hour shifts. I'll take the first.

- Oh. Okay, fine.

- Something wrong with that?

- No no, it's fine.

It's just that, at the other precincts,

we'd kinda watch together, you know?

Make it kinda like a sleepover.

You know, two guys kinda hanging around being nutty.

We could make phony phone calls, tell ghost stories!

Wrestling's on at 8!

- Roy. It is cold, it is dark.

We're not here to have fun, we're here to work.

That's why it's called work, not fun.

Because work's not fun! Okay?

- Wow. Grouch city.

Hey, fine. You do your thing, I'll do mine.

I'm gonna go to the car now, get the rest of Ed's things.

If that's okay with you. Sheesh.

And uh, don't let Ed fall asleep in his drool.

He'll drown.

And if he starts to cough, his inhaler's on the counter.

Oh. If he starts to wheeze--

Nevermind, I don't even want to think about that.

(Ed coughs)

- Here you go, big guy. It'll be okay.

(Ed coughs)

Just don't wheeze.

(Ed wheezing)

Ed.

Ed?

Mr. Henderson?

Oh, come on.

Oh Ed, why now? Why me?

- [Roy] Eddie? How's my baby boy?

Daddy's gonna give ya treatie weaties,

and scrunchie little little tooshie wooshie!

I'm almost back now, you know you love them

yes you do! Daddy's home, the best daddy in the world!

Where's my Eddie?

- Uh, Roy?

- Oh, excuse me. I didn't mean to be smiling.

V\/here's Ed? I didn't mean to be enjoying the job.

I didn't mean to be having fun.

Where's Ed?

- Uh...

- Just uh, just give me a second, okay?

I'll get miserable again. Where is Ed?

- I think it's best for me to just say this.

Ed is dead, but he didn't die alone.

I'm sorry. Roy, listen, if you want

to bail out tonight, I'll understand, man.

- Ed!

He just needs to be jump started every once in a while.

Don't you, baby?

(alarm going Off)

(Hooperman groaning)

- lfl don't do 100 of these, who's gonna know?

- Well I Will.

But hey, your secrefs safe with me.

- Why are you in my living room?

- Well because if I was in your bedroom,

I would be the first thing you saw.

And unless you're in the army, it's

never good to wake up close to another man.

Hot chocolate. I made it.

Go ahead, tell me it's not the best.

- This tastes great. (Roy laughs)

- Huh, grammy? Your recipe still stands!

Great lady, great lady.

She's the one that turned me on to professional wrestling.

Oh! There should be a good match on cable right about now.

The Neutron Bomber! Oh. Major knockout artist.

Now there's an athlete for ya.

- Now listen, there's some people who thrive on subtlety

and some people who don't. In view of that, Roy,

let me be as brief as possible.

Get out!

- I can take a hint. - Wasn't a hint.

- Oh, grammy I've done it again.

You were right. I've alienated another one.

She always said, (speaking in foreign language).

Her English was poor.

She's say "Booby, don't force people to like you."

I'd say "Grammy, you left your leg in the bedroom.

"You want me to get it for you?"

Look, the reason I'm here, I know that

you're gonna go back to Captain Stern

and you're gonna say either he goes or I go.

- I wasn't gonna go back to--

- Come on, come on. This is me and you here.

The truth, man.

- Okay, yes I was.

- Oh have thee dagger, this is thy sheathe!

There rest and let me die, what you couldn't have lied?

- Roy, look, it's for - Come on! I would

- Your own self! - Have lied for you!

- Maybe this just isn't the right precinct for you.

- Ah. I see.

Right.

Yeah, it usually takes people a week to say that.

Broke my own record.

Five times I've been transferred.

This is the last stop.

- I'm sure the Commissioner--

- Oh please! Uncle Arnie is just waiting

for me to make another mega- mistake.

Hey I'm a good cop, I'm a good friend.

But nobody wants to be my friend.

I'm hard to take, I know.

- Well possibly you do come on a little strong.

- Oh, I'm a fat head, I know that.

It's just that, I don't know what

I would do if I wasn't a cop.

I guess I could be a mercenary in Indo-China.

Hey! Not your problem.

Grammy you were right, as usual.

This is a nice man, I really think

that we could've been friends.

I know she's really not here, but

sometimes I feel the need to talk to her anyway.

- I understand. After my grandmother died,

I found myself talking to her occasionally.

- Oh grammy didn't die, she lives in Chicago.

(Bijoux whines)

- I think the apology should come from your end!

Well obviously we have nothing further to say to each other.

No, I won't be there at seven. Goodbye!

What!

- You asked to see me, Captain, if this is a bad time--

(box crashes to the ground)

- No, it's a great time! I'm very happy.

- I'm happy for you, Captain.

- I called you in because there's

a chance we can bring Sweeney on board.

- That's great. - If we transfer Andrews.

- Uh-huh.

- V\/hat's your opinion of his performance?

Or should I just fire him because he's a man?

He can take back the flowers, forget the weekend

in the vineyard. And he can take this necklace and--

I'm keeping the necklace.

- It's a beautiful necklace.

- No it's not!

- Course not, sorry.

- Was there any indication last night that

Miseros would make the drop at the new location?

- The suspect watered his flowers, read a book for an hour.

Watched PBS and went to bed.

- So what you're saying is, the original location

for the stakeout was the correct one.

- Not exactly.

- Why don't men ever say exactly what they mean?

What!

No no no no no, it was my fault.

Me too.

We can bring Sweeney on if we can blow Andrews out of here.

If you file a convincing performance report,

and I'm not telling you to lie here.

I think I can convince the Commissioner.

So. Is Andrews our kind of guy or what?

- I think it's too soon to tell.

- So we carry this theme from the bedspread

right through to the window treatments.

- I dunno, it's peach.

- It's not peach, they just call it peach.

I call it Sante Fe Dawn.

- It doesn't look peach to you?

- It'll never look peach, because when the light hits it,

it'll be picking up the blue tones off the new carpet.

It's perfect, it's really subtle.

- You're right, I like it.

- I hate it, it is peach.

- You know this is no reflection on you, Annie.

But maybe I'm the kind of guy that

doesn't work well with an interior decorator.

I'm thinking that I should just paint these walls white,

shampoo the couch and start drinking imported beer.

I mean, I think that's about as big

a change as I should make right now.

- You're trying to back out.

I've done sketches, I went out shopping for the swatches.

I've spent hours coming up with ideas,

and you're not even willing to try any of them.

Because you won't bend!

Because you're terrified of making

any substantial change in your life!

You're insensitive, uptight, and selfish!

- [Roy] Hey, tell me about it.

- Mi casa es su casa.

Why don't you just move in, Roy?

- Oh yeah right, like you really mean it, too.

You hurt me man, bad.

Wrestling's on, if you don't mind.

After your little chat with Captain Stern

she decided to cancel the stakeout.

So tomorrow, you go back to the original location.

Wait, I had my self respect, I know I had it here somewhere.

- Maybe you can see mine there somewhere.

- I thought we were friends, you don't trust me!

- How can I entrust my life to someone who thinks

professional wrestling is real?

- Hey, come on. All right?

I know it's not real, but I don't care.

Is it wrong to cry at the opera?

Just because you know it's fake? Huh?

Didn't you cry when Bambi's mother died?

- No, because it's a cartoon!

- Hey-

You know what your problem is?

You've become an adult.

You've lost the child in you.

You've lost the ability to trust a hunch,

the willingness to look over the edge and

maybe fall on your ass, huh?

Hey but moi? Come on, I'm going back to that building.

Okay? And I'm gonna continue to scope Misaros,

and I'm gonna bust him the minute that drop goes down.

And if I'm wrong? Hey, least I'm going outwith my boots on.

- Hold it. You think I don't take chances?

Watch.

Peach.

Let's go.

J1 And ya, tell me over and over

J1 and over and over again my friend

J1 I don't believe we're on the eve of destruction

- Greatest song ever written.

(bird chirping)

The nightingale. It always sings

just before the sun comes up.

- It'll be light in a few hours.

- Yeah. And nothing happened.

And you know the minute that we leave, it'll happen.

Misaros will come, and we'll miss it.

Well, nice knowing you.

- What d'you mean, nice knowing you?

- Oh come on, I'm not gonna be

with the department after this.

And it's not like you're gonna

call me up just to shoot the breeze.

- That's not true.

- Oh, come on, I'm not stupid.

You'll say "Hey, we'll get together, I'll call".

And I'll never hear from you.

That's what people do.

- Roy, I'm not like other people.

If I say we'll get together, we'll get together!

- Cross your heart? - Hope to die.

- Swear on your life? - Spit in your eye.

- Think you remember?

- Try me.

- And, nod. Shake, power, shake, power, slide!

Birdy up, birdy down, slap.

- [Both] \/\/alk away from it! (both laughing)

- Ed, he remembered!

Oh, really looks like he needs a jump start this time.

- Misaros!

That's our boy!

Now they just strut his stuff.

- [Both] Ed!

Ed!

- Ed! - Ed!

Ed!

- That's it, we gotta move.

- Wait wait wait wait, let's go the balcony,

the stairs will take too long!

Ed! Ed!

(smooth jazz music)

Freeze! Police!

(Ed barking) Good Ed.

Freeze!

- [Roy] Let's go, hands in the air, now.

Stairs, guy.

Quicker, easier on the old 'tella's. (chuckles)

(peaceful saxophone music)

(Hooperman sighs)

- Come here' B“.

Come here girl, yes.

Ah, sleep)'-

(phone ringing)

(phone ringing)

Hello?

Oh hi Roy.

Okay-

Ed!

Ed!

(Bijoux barking)

(smooth saxophone music)