Original subtitles

(heavy power drill)

- Mr. Falstead, how you doing?

INN

- Wait a minute, don't tell me.

Henderson, gold Volvo.

- Hooperman, blue Nova.

- What are you doing here?

- You said my car would be ready at two o'clock.

Remember me?

I'm the one with the window that won't roll up.

- I didn't say two o'clock.

I have never said two o'clock in my entire life.

Four o'clock, maybe once, but even when I say four o'clock,

I really mean five.

Always, five o'clock.

- You told me two o'clock.

- Okay, okay, what are you yammering up my muffler for?

I think they're just about done with it.

Hesperian, hey!

Hesperian!

Where's that blue Nova?

- There it is.

I hope that's an engine from another car,

and it's hanging there to shave the people

working on mine.

- That's probably what it is.

(people talking)

I'll tell you what I think happened.

Do you speak Albanian?

- No.

- Ah, well,

the Albanian word for "window" is very similar

to, "Take the engine out of that car,"

and I think that's what happened.

Hesperian!

(heavy power drill)

(upbeat music with saxophone)

- I can't wait that long, Falstead.

I need my car by today.

Look, hey, hey, listen buddy,

I don't care if you are working

on the Swiss Embassy limousine.

That is of no consequence to me.

Yes, I know.

It's beautiful country.

Falstead, without an engine,

my car is not a car.

It's just a design idea.

Noon? Today, are you sure?

Well, I'm gonna be there, and listen,

I want my car moving without the aid of a tow truck.

You got that?

Thank you.

- Okay, Hooperman, you're on.

(phone ringing)

This hasn't been a good day for me.

In fact, I'm seriously thinking of checking

into the softball hotel.

So, whatever you've got in interrogation

better be recess.

It is going to be recess, isn't it?

- Captain, I think we're finally in the hunt

on this computer bank heist.

I'm convinced the guy in there

is the brains behind the whole banana.

He's the numbers crunching genius.

- Well, there's more than a million dollars

loose out there.

I hope you're right.

- The next step was to open a fictitious $6 million account

in the name of\/\/alter Duffy.

- Walter Duffy, right.

- And the final transaction was to slide

a million three over to V\/alter's daughter,

no such person, and then delete that account,

completely.

- Checks outwith what the bank told us.

- Well, I'm confused.

I mean, if it checks out, book him.

- Captain, he couldn't have done it.

He's been in Statesville for six months.

- Prison? Him?

- He did a soft shoot through the Pentagon's computers.

He also began sewing his fed wrap in one week.

- He's a chronic hacker.

- It's just so damn much fun.

- But if you didn't do it, who did?

- My girlfriend, the woman who laughed in my face.

Actually, they've all laughed in my face,

but the laughter from her really hurt.

- V\/hat's her name?

(humming)

What's her name?

- Captain, I think it's deal time.

- Isn't it always?

Is she a computer whiz too?

- Hardly.

Just a receptionist.

A reader of fiery romantic novels.

You know, the ones with the silly covers.

A wild-looking Spanish woman.

Shoulders exposed, hugging a buccaneer.

Listens to love counseling on the radio.

Dots her eyes with cute little hearts.

- Okay, I'll talk to the US attorney.

I'll do what I can.

- So, Russell, if we have the deal,

you'll make the call?

- I can't, we broke up.

I think that's why she did this, really.

After I read about it in the paper.

I knew it was her.

She was with me when I was developing my system.

- I'm compelled to ask.

Why did you break up?

- She didn't think I was romantic enough.

Could you believe that?

- Find the woman, and the money.

- Thank you, ma'am.

(people talking)

- Hey, Falstead, I'm here.

- Cooper, red Bronco.

- No, no, no, no, no.

Hooperman, blue Nova.

- What are you doing here?

- Noon, you said it would be ready.

V\findow wouldn't roll up, so you went through the engine

to fix it.

Remember me?

- Now, hold on, here.

Let's share a laugh, shall we?

You look like a man with a good sense of humor,

and actually,

when you hear this, I am sure you will find it

genuinely funny.

- I'm listening.

- After the engine was put back in,

it ran great, better than when you brought it in,

and I'm not even gonna charge you for that.

- What a pal. Terrific.

The engine runs great, the window rolls up,

now when do we hit genuinely funny.

- Now.

(laughing)

We sold it.

(laughing)

- You're dead.

- No, no, no, man.

Listen to me.

Listen, listen.

See, after test driving it,

Hesperian accidentally parked it on my used car lot.

Hesperian!

But, you know what the wonderful thing is?

The car went just like that.

That thing has still got a market value.

- You are dead!

- Don't worry, come on.

We're doing everything we can to get it back.

In the meantime, I've got you

one fabuloso loaner.

Look at this, come here.

(laughing)

Just don't turn her off more than three feet

from another ca r.

[Woman on speaker] The guy with the transmission job is here to see ya.

- He's cooperating, Captain.

He gave us the girl's name,

and we think this Petteger woman is still in town,

but she just isn't surfacing.

Now, I have a plan, it's very simple.

See, while I was talking to Mr. Sliderule over there,

I found out the Dorothy dedicated a song

to him every night on that K Love radio station.

- How sweet.

- They split up because he never returned the favor.

I figure he should return the favor.

See, we hook them back up through this radio thing,

she comes out of the woodwork, and gives us the info.

- I do this every time.

I look into that boyish face,

you give me this sincere delivery,

and I bye it, every time.

- Well, 40% of the time, I'm right.

All right 10%, but I hope to be at 40

by the end of the year.

- All right.

- Thank you, Captain.

- Not the pork rinds.

- God, Pritzger, you amaze me.

They make potato chips out of a pig,

and you start salivating.

- They're good. Try one.

- No thanks.

Fried fat tends to put a choke hold on my heart.

- I'm out.

- Damn, that's the fifth game in a row.

Are you cheating?

- No.

Crazy Eights.

It's the only thing I'm really good at.

I'm a loser at everything else.

- No, you're not.

Hey, come on.

You figured out a way to steal a million bucks.

Now, all you have to do is figure out a way

to make a million bucks.

- I know one thing I can't do.

I can't sit down and do what you did,

and write a radio dedication to the woman I love.

I don't know any adjectives.

- Okay, it's 11 :10.

Come on.

- [DJ] It's time for another From Me to You,

dedication time on K Love,

the very, very romantic 97 on your dial.

- Here we go.

- [Russell On Radio] Hi, Dorothy, this is Russell.

I just got paroled, but I'm still a prisoner.

There's an emptiness in my heart.

I had some time to think, the past six months,

and all the thoughts were of you.

I can smell your perfume, hear your voice,

see your face.

Dorothy, I'm a changed man.

Give me a chance to prove it.

So, please, honey, if you hear my voice,

please, call 555-3382.

- Thanks, Hooperman.

If only I had the left side of you brain.

Maybe Dorothy and I might have made it.

- Come on, no woman's gonna buy that cow sausage.

(phone ringing)

(tempered strings)

- Hello.

Dorothy?

UaZZy music)

(horn honking)

- Okay, here's how this is gonna work, Russell.

You put this in your ear, all right.

That's how we're gonna communicate.

I will be in the closet, in the bedroom,

and you speak in normal tone,

and the transmitter will pick it up,

and feed it back to me, all right?

I'll tell you what to say.

It'll just be like being an anchorman.

What, are you greasing your chest hairs?

For any particular reason?

Is this Vapo rub?

- Yes, for my chest condition.

- Come on, now.

We're gonna have to work around that.

Here. Look.

Slap some of this on.

- Where do I slap it on?

- Okay, Russell.

Hands at your side.

Ready?

- Really nervous about this whole thing.

I'm not gonna know what to say.

- Russ, Russ, Russ.

That's why you're wearing this,

because I know what to say.

I'll say it to you.

You just repeat it back to her.

(knocking)

Okay, Russell.

We're in the curl of the wave now.

Headed for the beach.

Watch out for the white water.

- What does that mean?

- Who knows what anything means.

Just make me proud.

Make my captain proud, and make the bank proud.

Find the money.

Who knows, Russ.

There may be some good lovin' in your future.

Come on.

(knocking)

- Hmm.

- Hello, Russell.

- Hello.

- Hello.

- You look terrific.

You look wonderful.

Stover, you look terrific.

You look wonderful.

- Thank you.

- You fool, you look wonderful.

- You fool, you look wonderful.

- What?

- Let's start over.

You look wonderful.

- Tell her you miss her.

You miss her terribly.

- I miss you.

I miss you terribly.

- Whose place is this?

- A friend of mine's.

- A friend of Hooperman's.

- Who's Hooperman?

- A friend of mine.

Shall we sit?

These are for you.

- They're beautiful, but you know about my allergies.

- They're silk.

- Oh.

Thank you for remembering.

- And this

is for us.

For what we had.

For what we will have.

So, I imagine you must be doing very well.

- What do you mean?

- Well, I imagine you must be doing very well,

because I heard that you were very lucky recently.

- Stover, what are you doing?

- I don't know what you're talking about.

- I'm talking about our plan.

- You're moving too fast, you're moving too fast.

Let's stay with the romantic stuff.

- Oh, I get it.

I get what this is all about.

This is not about you and me at all.

This is about greed.

You don't care about me.

You never did.

All you care about are your silly computers,

and stealing money!

You're still afraid of making a commitment with me,

after ten years, and you even chickened out

about the money!

Well, you live and learn, don't you?

At least I have a bright future ahead,

and it's not with you.

- What do I do now?

- I don't know, grab her again.

Kiss her, tackle her.

(suspenseful music)

Did she mention anything about wanting to see you again?

UaZZy music)

- Hooperman.

Blue Camaro.

- You got the name right this time.

- You know, Hooperman, luck is such a strange thing.

I'll bet any amount of money,

you never thought you would get a car back

with an engine that runs better

than when you brought it in, and,

a whole lot more.

(horn honking)

- This whole lot more is what's really scaring me,

Falstead.

Where's my oar'?

- Voila.

(heavy power drills)

Now, you came in here with just a faulty window crank,

right?

And you end up with, let me just list them.

Listen to this.

New paint job, new upholstery, new tires,

rims, steering wheel, boom, you name it.

This is one heck of a fine,

fine automobile.

And this sucker'll bounce up to about here.

- Hesperian!

Tonight, you're a man.

Think hairy shoulders.

You're gonna ask Dorothy for her hand in marriage.

- What?

I couldn't possibly do that.

- The woman needs a commitment, and Russ,

you're the committee.

Once you slip this on her finger,

she'll be more inclined to tell you

where the loot is.

Now, here's your proposal.

Take your megabyte mind and program that.

Now, you're gonna make a call to Dorothy.

- Why should I?

She hit me.

- That means she got rid of all of her anger.

Call her!

Russ, this is not about you getting back together

with your girlfriend, this is about the bank

getting back together with $1 million,

now make the call.

The groveling lamp is lit, and I want off this case, Russ.

Yo, Pritzger.

You find me a carriage?

- Yeah, it's all yours.

Found your horse, too.

It's about a heartbeat away from being library paste,

but it is a horse.

- Dorothy, when we were together,

I was nothing but a computer potato,

but spending six months away from the old disk drive

has given me a chance to think about life,

real life.

My life, your life.

Our life.

(moaning)

- Oh, Russell.

- Dorothy.

Dorothy.

I'm gonna do something I should have done

a long time ago.

I want you to be Mrs. Russell Stover.

(moaning)

- Yes, yes.

Oh, Russell.

It'll be so wonderful.

Russell, the best part is,

we don't have to worry about anything.

We'll have enough to live happily for the rest

of our lives.

- All right, let's go get that bonanza!

- I knew it!

You don't love me!

You just want the money!

Get out!

Get out of here!

Driver, take me back to the hotel.

- But Dorothy, honey, darling.

Sugar, baby, sweetums.

Person, please!

- Excuse me, I'm just trying to figure out

if my horse is gonna die on me or not.

- Now, driver!

Move that hay burner!

- Yes, ma'am.

Look, ma'am, it's none of my business,

but I couldn't help overhearing all that,

and I practically overheard everything,

but I've never overheard anything like that.

Now, ma'am.

You know, your fellow is willing to use the C word.

You know, the word that no man has uttered this decade?

Commitment.

I don't know you, Dorothy.

It is Dorothy, isn't it?

But you're alone now, and I can tell

you're a woman who enjoys romance,

but romance requires one other person.

Now, Russell, it is Russell, isn't it?

Now, Russell may not be the most romantic guy

in the world, but he can learn,

and it's obvious he loves you.

And he's here.

He's a bird in the hand.

And it might be months or years

before you hold another bird.

Close the deal.

Dorothy.

Take the bird.

- I guess you're right.

Thank you.

Stop the carriage.

- We are stopped.

- Oh, thank you.

Get in, Russell.

- Easy, Russ.

Where to, folks?

- Take us to the Lincoln Park bus station.

If we're going to live together,

we're going to live together right,

and in the lap of luxury.

- Live right. Luxury.

- [Hooperman] One more thing.

_ yes?

- I'm sorry.

I didn't want to break the moment.

- No, no, please.

- Okay-

Dorothy, you're under arrest.

- What?

- I'm sorry, Dorothy, but I'll wait for you.

(crying)

(dark strings)

- This is five George.

I'm bringing in a pair.

One up, one down.

ETA 20.

- [Russ] OW-

- [Hooperman] You'll be okay.

- Hooperman, blue Nova.

- I got papers from my lawyer.

Wait a minute.

You got my name and the car right.

What does that mean?

I'm in big trouble.

- Blue Nova.

Guess what?

We never sold your car, and it was never chopped.

We found it.

Hesperian.

He drove it home.

He's such a nut ball.

Can you believe it?

- I can't believe it.

- Can you believe it?

- I don't believe it.

- Believe it.

- I believe it.

Is this a cardboard cutout, or what?

V\/hat's wrong with this?

There a dead body in the trunk?

- It's yours, mi amigo.

- It is mine.

My beautiful, wonderful car.

- Turn her over, big buy.

Be haPPY-

Well.

Doesn't that sound better?

- It really does sound better.

- Hesperian has a lovely touch with engines.

Hesperian has no touch at all with windows.

I'll get Macaleni right on it.

Macaleni!

(casual music)

- Hey, take a look!

- Hooperman.

Hooperman, please.

Hooperman, come OH.

How long is this gonna go on?

Hesperian!

(laughing)

UaZZy music)