All language subtitles for Hooperman S02E14 The Long So Long

- I repeat, we're members
of the San Francisco police.

Unlock the door, come on out,

so we can avoid any unnecessary
roughness.

- Do you get the idea

that he'd use nuclear
weapons on J walkers?

- It'd teach them a lesson.

- So anyways she says to me
Hooperman, you're immature.

And I say, get this, that is
a totally immature remark.

So then she turns on her heels,

walks out, slams the door,
which causes my bowling trophy

to fall off the mantle
and crush my cable box.

What do you think?

- Well I think Alex is a great girl.

And I think you should swallow your
pride,

pick up the telephone,
call her and grovel.

- I'm always the one who makes the
call.

In all my relationships
I'm the accommodating one.

I tell ya, I could do with
a year without any women.

- I gave up oxygen for 10
seconds, once, call her.

- Why should I call her?

- I say we fix bayonets
and rush the place.

- They're nuns Pritzger, give me this.

Ladies, uh, sisters if you won't come
out

would you at least consider
letting one of us in?

We could set a time limit,
you know, how about 10 minutes

of calm, intelligent discussion.

(door creaks)

All right.

Any tips?

- I want those fanatics arrested

and tossed out of my convent,
let the lord be your guide.

- Aren't you coming?

- Not my job.

- Sister.

(joyous church choir music)

J1 Hallelujah hallelujah
hallelujah hallelujah

(upbeat music with saxophone)

- Hi, I'm inspector Harry Hooperman,

San Francisco Police Department.

- Sister Ann Denise, Sisters
of Eternal Peace Convent.

You'll have to take my word
for it, we don't carry badges.

That was a joke inspector.

- Oh yes, very funny too,
I just didn't expect a nun

to do a joke, I mean a rabbi you'd
expect

every once in a while a joke

but usually you think
of a nun as more serious

profession, or job.

Actually it's a calling
right, I'm babbling aren't I?

- Sister?

- Sisters, this is Inspector Hooperman,

he's here to arrest us.

- God bless you.

- Woah Woah Woah wait back up a
second

nobody here is gonna arrest anybody.

- Oh but surely the mother
superior wants her building back?

- Well yes actually she does.

- When we took out vows this
was a contemplative order.

Our lives were dedicated
to prayer and meditation.

But in the last year the
Mother Superior has introduced

many worldly changes.

- All of a sudden we have
electric blankets, radios

and last week she served
us kung-pow chicken.

- She even accepted a
television set so we could watch

public broadcasting.

- Is that really so worldly.

- No, but last month we all
watched A Very Brady Christmas.

- Our way of life dates
back to the 16th century.

We think it's worth preserving.

- That's why it's important
for you to arrest us.

- What's this?

- We wish to be handcuffed.

- Remember it was their idea.

- Who else would I turn to?

I clean your office every day,
we know each other, we talk.

I trust you.

- Cecelia, I can't take care of Hector.

It wouldn't be fair to him, I'm working.

I'm in, I'm out.

- But I have to go down to
immigration,

there's a problem with my green card.

I'll only be gone one hour.

- I can't, I'm not a baby person.

(baby cries)

- You're the only one I'd ever
dream of leaving him with.

Senora Celeste, please?

- One hour?

- Yes, one hour.

- You're sure?

- One hour.

Thank you, thank you.

(baby cries)

- Bushkin!

No no no don't panic, don't panic,

your mom will be back soon.

Yes, no she wouldn't have left you
with us

if she didn't trust us.

Bushkin, Hector, Hector, Bushkin.

Get acquainted.

- Sister, excuse me, this way.

Everybody, right down
these steps, take it easy.

Watch your step.

- What the hell is this?

Excuse me.

- Believe me captain, this wasn't my
idea.

- Are they the real deal.

- Yes ma'am.

- Get the cuffs off these women now!

- They requested the cuffs.

- I got an outfit just like that.

- Take the sisters to an interrogation

and settle whatever this is
as quickly and discreetly

as possible.

- Right this way.

Here we go, if you'll all
just wait in here please,

I'll be right with you.

I want to get some coffee,
would you like some coffee?

- We don't drink coffee.

- Oh right I forgot, 16th century.

Well can I get you a flagon
of mead with maybe 5 straws,

would that be good?

That's a joke, see we cops have
the same problem as you do,

people don't think we
have a sense of humor.

Obviously we don't, please right in
here,

thank you very much.

- That was really weird
Harry, arresting nuns.

Especially cuffing them, freak me out.

When I was a kid we used to
make faces behind their back,

but we'd never touch them.

- Isn't that Dante's third circle in hell,

incarcerating a nun?

- I'm serious Harry,
my family's always been

heavy duty Catholics.

I've even got an uncle
who works at the Vatican.

He's one of the Pope's personal
tailors.

- Really, when he visited New York,

he was wearing this little
jacket I could have killed for.

- You know that complaint
Mother Superior just filed,

God leaned on her heart
and told her to drop it.

- Great, I'll go in there
and give them my standard

scared straight speech and kick them.

(church choir music)

J1 Hallelujah Hallelujah
Hallelujah Hallelujah

_ yes?

- Yes.

_ yes?

- Yes right, I think it's
starting to dawn on you

that jail is a horrible place.

None of you have ever seen
the inside of a holding tank

but believe me it is not a pretty sight.

You're gonna meet some cold
eyed prison debs in there

who think a nuns habit is an addiction.

- The early martyrs
suffered for their cause.

- Sisters, jail is a violent place!

You may find yourselves
having to square off against

a lady named Bronco.

- You know you're very good.

I'm sure you've convinced
your share of delinquents

with this speech, but we're
prepared to take our lumps.

- There aren't gonna be any lumps.

I'm gonna kick you.

That means, release you.

- Oh no you're not!

- You can't do that!

- Cecelia calm down,

now explain to me why they're holding
you?

What do you mean they don't know?

Tomorrow, oh Cecilia I can't.

I wouldn't know what to
do with a baby overnight.

Don't cry, no no no don't do that.

It'll be okay, no no
no Hector will be fine.

- She's so incredibly beautiful.

- She's a nun Harry can't,
you can't have those thoughts

about a nun.

- They're not thoughts,
that sounds so you know

Pritzger has thoughts.

This is more like romantic
visions, feelings you know.

- I know, you can't have them.

- McNeil, I came to you
for council, as a friend.

The very least you can do is
try to analyze my problem.

- Okay, it's pretty
obvious, the Alex situation

is kinda shaky right now, you
don't trust relationships,

probably never have so
you glomp on to a fantasy.

(baby cries)

Are you really gonna
feed the kid with that?

- For the father who wants
to bond with his baby

while sharing the magical
experience of nursing.

- I'd love to see you in a sweater.

- Suffer, you die.

(baby cries)

Uncle Clarence is funny.

(laughs)

here we go, look at what you got.

Be nice to your aunt Harry,
I know what you're thinking.

You're thinking is it
mama, or is it Mammarex.

Good, bond baby bond (sucks)

Look, McNeil, about this
fantasy with Sister Ann Denise

it will probably go away, I'm
never going to see her again

and that will be good.

I'm sorry to bother you
at such a late hour.

- It's very unusual for
me to receive visitors.

But if this is official police business.

- Oh it's totally official,
I have to do my official

follow up report, I do this
in every official case.

It's just second nature to me.

Do you have a pencil.

- Mm hmm.

- Thanks, piece of paper?

So, how long have you been a nun.

- Eight years.

- Ah.

- I entered the convent
right after college.

- You went to college?

- San Diego State.

- That's a party school.

- I know, my parents thought
they could lure me away

from my calling with beer
bus and toga parties.

It almost worked.

That was another joke.

- It was a good one too,

I'm just now learning to like nun
humor.

I went to Berkeley, I wasn't
that great a student though.

- Berkeley, did you get involved
in the protest movement?

- Yeah, not in a big way.

One time a bunch of us
chained ourselves together

and blocked off the quad.

- Were you protesting the war?

- Yeah, I was, but most of
our group was more upset

that they stopped sewing
beer at the student union.

(laughs)

You are so terrific, I can't
believe you're here with me.

- I can't believe it either.

- You are the woman I've been
looking for my whole life.

You are so sweet, intelligent,
and sensitive, understanding.

Are you sure being with
me is what you want?

- Cross my heart.

- I think I love you.

- I think I love you too.

- This is scary, but great.

(lighting strikes)

- Inspector Hooperman, Inspector
Hooperman

are you all right?

- Yes, so that should just about do it.

I think I have more
than enough information,

thank you sister goodnight.

- That's it?

- Oh yeah that's definitely
gonna have to be it.

(saxophone music)

- Bushkin, hold out your arms.

(baby cries)

You're in charge.

- Yes ma'am.

- Go with god.

- And how are we today?

(baby cries)

Aren't you supposed to smell
all wonderful and fresh?

Uh oh.

- You know what it's like
to get only three and a half

minutes sleep?

- Sounds like my night.

(Yawns)

- I thought all infants did the first year

was poop and sleep, someone
forgot to tell Hector

about the sleep part.

What was your problem?

- Fantasies, I mean,
dreams, lot of dreams,

major major dreams.

Look I'm going down to the motor pool

to see if they can jump start me.

(saxophone music)

- Hooperman, Hooperman!

- Looking for me Captain?

- Yeah, come in Hooperman.

Your friends, the sisters
of civil disobedience

are at it again.

- The nuns?

- They blocked off the street
in front of the convent.

They've jammed up traffic
for miles in every direction.

- Where did they ever think
of a stunt like, oh no.

- What?

- Nothing it's just, nothing.

- I want you to get down there,
take whoever you'll think

you'll need, and diffuse the situation.

There's a TV crew down there
already,

so don't arrest them unless
you absolutely have to.

- That's the last time I'll ever share

a college story with you.

- A good idea is a good idea,

even if it comes from an adversary.

- I'm not an adversary.

(crowd boos)

- Looks like we're the underdogs here.

- I've got three days
off starting tomorrow,

couldn't you have waited one more
day?

- Well?

- Well, I don't know I just got here.

- You are going to remove them aren't
you?

- I think it would be better for
everyone

if the sisters dispersed voluntarily.

Is that something we can discuss?

I didn't think so, thought
I'd give it a shot.

Look, they're not happy, you're not
happy,

my captain is not happy and chances
are

your captain isn't happy either.

Wouldn't it be great if
we could all work out

a compromise right here in
the street on this beautiful

sunny San Francisco day?

- We've always been willing to talk.

- Okay now we're rolling we
got some flexibility here

now I'm sure you'd be willing
to find a way to compromise

too Mother Superior?

- Absolutely not.

These sisters are not merely
questioning my authority,

they're questioning
basic church decisions.

It's not in my power to
compromise on these issues.

- So if you were given authority
to compromise by someone

higher up, you'd be willing to?

- I suppose so, but
these matters take time.

- Give me a minute.

- They're not gonna budge
I like them they got spunk.

- Rick, how long it's been
since you talked to your uncle?

The one in Italy, the tailor?

- I called him on his
birthday a month ago.

- How would you like to talk to him
again?

- Now?

- Right now, come on.

- So uncle Sal, do you have a lot of
figs

in your tree this year?

(speaking Italian)

Harry if I'm going to ask him a big
favor

I've got to ease into this.

Listen uncle Sal, uncle
Sal, I need to ask you

a really big favor, how's his holiness?

Have you spoken to him lately?

This morning?

Could you call him back?

(beeps)

- Don't get excited it
could just be someone

selling aluminum siding, yes?

It's the Vatican, sure I'll hold.

Big day huh, yes hello sir.

I'm Harry Hooperman,

Inspector San Francisco police
department.

I'm in San Francisco, California.

Pardon me?

Oh it's beautiful here, how is it there?

Oh that's too bad.

Am I Catholic?

Well actually sir when I was growing
UP

my mother would just send
us to whatever church

was closest to the house.

Yes I guess in Italy that
would make one a Catholic,

that's right, sir, he's funny.

Listen, we have a bit of a situation
here,

oh you know about it, well
just between you and me

sir, the nuns indicated to
me that they'd be willing

to cut a deal, yeah if you'd just talk

to the Mother Superior and
tell her you're willing

to play ball, I think
we could keep this thing

off the front page of USA Today.

- Do you really expect me
to believe that you have

Pope John Paul on the telephone?

- He wants to talk to you.

- Hello?

- Sweet man, very hip.

- I feel like you've
given me back my life.

- Hey I just happened
a guy who knows a guy

who knows the Pope,
it's just a lucky break.

- Thank you.

- Before you go sister, would you mind

if I asked you something
just out of curiosity?

- Not at all.

- What would happen,
just theoretically now,

if you decided to leave the convent.

- I would lose my immortal soul.

- Oh, that would be a major
adjustment.

- If you have faith Inspector
Hooperman,

I'm sure you'll find
what you're looking for.

(sweet string music)

Go with god Inspector.

- You too sister.

- Here we go, there all
zippied up, good as new.

Oh, do my goggles scare you?

Well Auntie Celeste has to put on
goggles

when she changes you cause
you're too good a shot.

You know I spent five
years in uniform Hector.

And then I was seven years in
homicide,

and I've seen men stabbed, and
I had a gun put in my face.

But you, you little dickens,
really scared me outta my wits.

(baby cries)

Oh no no no, I'll sing
you a lullaby, okay?

I don't know a lullaby.

J1 You load 16 ton what do you get

J1 Another day older and deeper in
debt

fl Saint Peter don't you call-

- Celeste?

- Cecilia.

- I'm so sorry, immigration
put me in lock up,

can you believe it?

They had me mixed up with an illegal
alien

also named Hernandez.

Speaking Spanish)

- I'll get his bag for you.

There's a rubber ducky and
a bear and some diapers

I had around the house, I
don't have any use for them.

- Thank you captain, you
really are a good friend,

thank you.

(kiss)

Come on Hector, let's go home huh?

- Cecelia.

- Yes captain?

- Can I borrow Hector one more
minute?

- Okay-

- Charlie, here.

Okay Charlie, we're ready.

(lullaby music)

(saxophone music)