Original subtitles

- I repeat, we're members of the San Francisco police.

Unlock the door, come on out,

so we can avoid any unnecessary roughness.

- Do you get the idea

that he'd use nuclear weapons on J walkers?

- It'd teach them a lesson.

- So anyways she says to me Hooperman, you're immature.

And I say, get this, that is a totally immature remark.

So then she turns on her heels,

walks out, slams the door, which causes my bowling trophy

to fall off the mantle and crush my cable box.

What do you think?

- Well I think Alex is a great girl.

And I think you should swallow your pride,

pick up the telephone, call her and grovel.

- I'm always the one who makes the call.

In all my relationships I'm the accommodating one.

I tell ya, I could do with a year without any women.

- I gave up oxygen for 10 seconds, once, call her.

- Why should I call her?

- I say we fix bayonets and rush the place.

- They're nuns Pritzger, give me this.

Ladies, uh, sisters if you won't come out

would you at least consider letting one of us in?

We could set a time limit, you know, how about 10 minutes

of calm, intelligent discussion.

(door creaks)

All right.

Any tips?

- I want those fanatics arrested

and tossed out of my convent, let the lord be your guide.

- Aren't you coming?

- Not my job.

- Sister.

(joyous church choir music)

J1 Hallelujah hallelujah hallelujah hallelujah

(upbeat music with saxophone)

- Hi, I'm inspector Harry Hooperman,

San Francisco Police Department.

- Sister Ann Denise, Sisters of Eternal Peace Convent.

You'll have to take my word for it, we don't carry badges.

That was a joke inspector.

- Oh yes, very funny too, I just didn't expect a nun

to do a joke, I mean a rabbi you'd expect

every once in a while a joke

but usually you think of a nun as more serious

profession, or job.

Actually it's a calling right, I'm babbling aren't I?

- Sister?

- Sisters, this is Inspector Hooperman,

he's here to arrest us.

- God bless you.

- Woah Woah Woah wait back up a second

nobody here is gonna arrest anybody.

- Oh but surely the mother superior wants her building back?

- Well yes actually she does.

- When we took out vows this was a contemplative order.

Our lives were dedicated to prayer and meditation.

But in the last year the Mother Superior has introduced

many worldly changes.

- All of a sudden we have electric blankets, radios

and last week she served us kung-pow chicken.

- She even accepted a television set so we could watch

public broadcasting.

- Is that really so worldly.

- No, but last month we all watched A Very Brady Christmas.

- Our way of life dates back to the 16th century.

We think it's worth preserving.

- That's why it's important for you to arrest us.

- What's this?

- We wish to be handcuffed.

- Remember it was their idea.

- Who else would I turn to?

I clean your office every day, we know each other, we talk.

I trust you.

- Cecelia, I can't take care of Hector.

It wouldn't be fair to him, I'm working.

I'm in, I'm out.

- But I have to go down to immigration,

there's a problem with my green card.

I'll only be gone one hour.

- I can't, I'm not a baby person.

(baby cries)

- You're the only one I'd ever dream of leaving him with.

Senora Celeste, please?

- One hour?

- Yes, one hour.

- You're sure?

- One hour.

Thank you, thank you.

(baby cries)

- Bushkin!

No no no don't panic, don't panic,

your mom will be back soon.

Yes, no she wouldn't have left you with us

if she didn't trust us.

Bushkin, Hector, Hector, Bushkin.

Get acquainted.

- Sister, excuse me, this way.

Everybody, right down these steps, take it easy.

Watch your step.

- What the hell is this?

Excuse me.

- Believe me captain, this wasn't my idea.

- Are they the real deal.

- Yes ma'am.

- Get the cuffs off these women now!

- They requested the cuffs.

- I got an outfit just like that.

- Take the sisters to an interrogation

and settle whatever this is as quickly and discreetly

as possible.

- Right this way.

Here we go, if you'll all just wait in here please,

I'll be right with you.

I want to get some coffee, would you like some coffee?

- We don't drink coffee.

- Oh right I forgot, 16th century.

Well can I get you a flagon of mead with maybe 5 straws,

would that be good?

That's a joke, see we cops have the same problem as you do,

people don't think we have a sense of humor.

Obviously we don't, please right in here,

thank you very much.

- That was really weird Harry, arresting nuns.

Especially cuffing them, freak me out.

When I was a kid we used to make faces behind their back,

but we'd never touch them.

- Isn't that Dante's third circle in hell,

incarcerating a nun?

- I'm serious Harry, my family's always been

heavy duty Catholics.

I've even got an uncle who works at the Vatican.

He's one of the Pope's personal tailors.

- Really, when he visited New York,

he was wearing this little jacket I could have killed for.

- You know that complaint Mother Superior just filed,

God leaned on her heart and told her to drop it.

- Great, I'll go in there and give them my standard

scared straight speech and kick them.

(church choir music)

J1 Hallelujah Hallelujah Hallelujah Hallelujah

_ yes?

- Yes.

_ yes?

- Yes right, I think it's starting to dawn on you

that jail is a horrible place.

None of you have ever seen the inside of a holding tank

but believe me it is not a pretty sight.

You're gonna meet some cold eyed prison debs in there

who think a nuns habit is an addiction.

- The early martyrs suffered for their cause.

- Sisters, jail is a violent place!

You may find yourselves having to square off against

a lady named Bronco.

- You know you're very good.

I'm sure you've convinced your share of delinquents

with this speech, but we're prepared to take our lumps.

- There aren't gonna be any lumps.

I'm gonna kick you.

That means, release you.

- Oh no you're not!

- You can't do that!

- Cecelia calm down,

now explain to me why they're holding you?

What do you mean they don't know?

Tomorrow, oh Cecilia I can't.

I wouldn't know what to do with a baby overnight.

Don't cry, no no no don't do that.

It'll be okay, no no no Hector will be fine.

- She's so incredibly beautiful.

- She's a nun Harry can't, you can't have those thoughts

about a nun.

- They're not thoughts, that sounds so you know

Pritzger has thoughts.

This is more like romantic visions, feelings you know.

- I know, you can't have them.

- McNeil, I came to you for council, as a friend.

The very least you can do is try to analyze my problem.

- Okay, it's pretty obvious, the Alex situation

is kinda shaky right now, you don't trust relationships,

probably never have so you glomp on to a fantasy.

(baby cries)

Are you really gonna feed the kid with that?

- For the father who wants to bond with his baby

while sharing the magical experience of nursing.

- I'd love to see you in a sweater.

- Suffer, you die.

(baby cries)

Uncle Clarence is funny.

(laughs)

here we go, look at what you got.

Be nice to your aunt Harry, I know what you're thinking.

You're thinking is it mama, or is it Mammarex.

Good, bond baby bond (sucks)

Look, McNeil, about this fantasy with Sister Ann Denise

it will probably go away, I'm never going to see her again

and that will be good.

I'm sorry to bother you at such a late hour.

- It's very unusual for me to receive visitors.

But if this is official police business.

- Oh it's totally official, I have to do my official

follow up report, I do this in every official case.

It's just second nature to me.

Do you have a pencil.

- Mm hmm.

- Thanks, piece of paper?

So, how long have you been a nun.

- Eight years.

- Ah.

- I entered the convent right after college.

- You went to college?

- San Diego State.

- That's a party school.

- I know, my parents thought they could lure me away

from my calling with beer bus and toga parties.

It almost worked.

That was another joke.

- It was a good one too,

I'm just now learning to like nun humor.

I went to Berkeley, I wasn't that great a student though.

- Berkeley, did you get involved in the protest movement?

- Yeah, not in a big way.

One time a bunch of us chained ourselves together

and blocked off the quad.

- Were you protesting the war?

- Yeah, I was, but most of our group was more upset

that they stopped sewing beer at the student union.

(laughs)

You are so terrific, I can't believe you're here with me.

- I can't believe it either.

- You are the woman I've been looking for my whole life.

You are so sweet, intelligent, and sensitive, understanding.

Are you sure being with me is what you want?

- Cross my heart.

- I think I love you.

- I think I love you too.

- This is scary, but great.

(lighting strikes)

- Inspector Hooperman, Inspector Hooperman

are you all right?

- Yes, so that should just about do it.

I think I have more than enough information,

thank you sister goodnight.

- That's it?

- Oh yeah that's definitely gonna have to be it.

(saxophone music)

- Bushkin, hold out your arms.

(baby cries)

You're in charge.

- Yes ma'am.

- Go with god.

- And how are we today?

(baby cries)

Aren't you supposed to smell all wonderful and fresh?

Uh oh.

- You know what it's like to get only three and a half

minutes sleep?

- Sounds like my night.

(Yawns)

- I thought all infants did the first year

was poop and sleep, someone forgot to tell Hector

about the sleep part.

What was your problem?

- Fantasies, I mean, dreams, lot of dreams,

major major dreams.

Look I'm going down to the motor pool

to see if they can jump start me.

(saxophone music)

- Hooperman, Hooperman!

- Looking for me Captain?

- Yeah, come in Hooperman.

Your friends, the sisters of civil disobedience

are at it again.

- The nuns?

- They blocked off the street in front of the convent.

They've jammed up traffic for miles in every direction.

- Where did they ever think of a stunt like, oh no.

- What?

- Nothing it's just, nothing.

- I want you to get down there, take whoever you'll think

you'll need, and diffuse the situation.

There's a TV crew down there already,

so don't arrest them unless you absolutely have to.

- That's the last time I'll ever share

a college story with you.

- A good idea is a good idea,

even if it comes from an adversary.

- I'm not an adversary.

(crowd boos)

- Looks like we're the underdogs here.

- I've got three days off starting tomorrow,

couldn't you have waited one more day?

- Well?

- Well, I don't know I just got here.

- You are going to remove them aren't you?

- I think it would be better for everyone

if the sisters dispersed voluntarily.

Is that something we can discuss?

I didn't think so, thought I'd give it a shot.

Look, they're not happy, you're not happy,

my captain is not happy and chances are

your captain isn't happy either.

Wouldn't it be great if we could all work out

a compromise right here in the street on this beautiful

sunny San Francisco day?

- We've always been willing to talk.

- Okay now we're rolling we got some flexibility here

now I'm sure you'd be willing to find a way to compromise

too Mother Superior?

- Absolutely not.

These sisters are not merely questioning my authority,

they're questioning basic church decisions.

It's not in my power to compromise on these issues.

- So if you were given authority to compromise by someone

higher up, you'd be willing to?

- I suppose so, but these matters take time.

- Give me a minute.

- They're not gonna budge I like them they got spunk.

- Rick, how long it's been since you talked to your uncle?

The one in Italy, the tailor?

- I called him on his birthday a month ago.

- How would you like to talk to him again?

- Now?

- Right now, come on.

- So uncle Sal, do you have a lot of figs

in your tree this year?

(speaking Italian)

Harry if I'm going to ask him a big favor

I've got to ease into this.

Listen uncle Sal, uncle Sal, I need to ask you

a really big favor, how's his holiness?

Have you spoken to him lately?

This morning?

Could you call him back?

(beeps)

- Don't get excited it could just be someone

selling aluminum siding, yes?

It's the Vatican, sure I'll hold.

Big day huh, yes hello sir.

I'm Harry Hooperman,

Inspector San Francisco police department.

I'm in San Francisco, California.

Pardon me?

Oh it's beautiful here, how is it there?

Oh that's too bad.

Am I Catholic?

Well actually sir when I was growing UP

my mother would just send us to whatever church

was closest to the house.

Yes I guess in Italy that would make one a Catholic,

that's right, sir, he's funny.

Listen, we have a bit of a situation here,

oh you know about it, well just between you and me

sir, the nuns indicated to me that they'd be willing

to cut a deal, yeah if you'd just talk

to the Mother Superior and tell her you're willing

to play ball, I think we could keep this thing

off the front page of USA Today.

- Do you really expect me to believe that you have

Pope John Paul on the telephone?

- He wants to talk to you.

- Hello?

- Sweet man, very hip.

- I feel like you've given me back my life.

- Hey I just happened a guy who knows a guy

who knows the Pope, it's just a lucky break.

- Thank you.

- Before you go sister, would you mind

if I asked you something just out of curiosity?

- Not at all.

- What would happen, just theoretically now,

if you decided to leave the convent.

- I would lose my immortal soul.

- Oh, that would be a major adjustment.

- If you have faith Inspector Hooperman,

I'm sure you'll find what you're looking for.

(sweet string music)

Go with god Inspector.

- You too sister.

- Here we go, there all zippied up, good as new.

Oh, do my goggles scare you?

Well Auntie Celeste has to put on goggles

when she changes you cause you're too good a shot.

You know I spent five years in uniform Hector.

And then I was seven years in homicide,

and I've seen men stabbed, and I had a gun put in my face.

But you, you little dickens, really scared me outta my wits.

(baby cries)

Oh no no no, I'll sing you a lullaby, okay?

I don't know a lullaby.

J1 You load 16 ton what do you get

J1 Another day older and deeper in debt

fl Saint Peter don't you call-

- Celeste?

- Cecilia.

- I'm so sorry, immigration put me in lock up,

can you believe it?

They had me mixed up with an illegal alien

also named Hernandez.

Speaking Spanish)

- I'll get his bag for you.

There's a rubber ducky and a bear and some diapers

I had around the house, I don't have any use for them.

- Thank you captain, you really are a good friend,

thank you.

(kiss)

Come on Hector, let's go home huh?

- Cecelia.

- Yes captain?

- Can I borrow Hector one more minute?

- Okay-

- Charlie, here.

Okay Charlie, we're ready.

(lullaby music)

(saxophone music)