Original subtitles

- Excuse me.

Okay what do we got?

I don't believe it.

How does she walk in those heals?

- Miss Delight?

Candy Delight?

In the flesh?

I've seen all your movies.

- Films, stand back Kojak.

I star in 22 pictures for this turkey.

And now suddenly he says I'm over the hill.

He won't even give me a chance to do an audition.

- Excuse me Ma'am, but you know it's against the law

to dress without clothes and point a gun at someone's lap,

see ordinarily we'd be bringing in a SWAT team

and there'd be a sharp shooter right about there

whose job it is to pick you off at the slightest move but,

I think we can all agree that this is a special situation

so I suggest you tell me what it is you want.

- I want an audition.

I want the world to see that Candy Delight

still has a classy chassis.

- You wanna audition now?

- I got my workin' clothes on.

- (Clears throat) Okay, okay, uh.

You do an audition and I get the gun, right, right?

- Uh, I need someone to read with.

- I, I can't.

Behind the Barn Door?

- You'll be the tractor repairman.

(people whispering)

I'm so lonely.

I never see Jake anymore.

He spends all his time with the cows.

- Your tractor's in bad shape, Mrs. Henry.

Looks like I'm going to be out in the sun for a while,

you don't mind if I take off my shirt.

- Mind?

No.

Oh: my'

What muscles you have.

- Geez, this is believable stuff.

- It is so hot.

You don't mind if I dab my brow with

the hem of my skirt?

- Oh no Mrs. Henry, look,

you tore your dress on the pump handle.

- Kay, then I faint into your hairy, beefy arms.

(sighs)

Your line.

- Oh baby, oh, oh, baby, baby.

- Make me nasty, tractor repairman.

Oh!

- Bravo, bravo! (crowd applauding)

- I just wanted to chance to make him see I could do it.

Thanks.

- I can see the acting lessons, we'll talk.

Now you, you got talent, you got macho,

that's in again, would you like to read for my next project,

Big Cops, Bored Housewives?

- Part Two?

- EXCUSE me, come OH.

(upbeat music with saxophone)

- So uh, what are you gonna do to her?

You now she's a good kid, she's a real pro,

she's always on time, you know, in my business

careers last four years tops so I feel lousy for her.

- Well the gun wasn't loaded so we only have

a misdemeanor crime here if you don't press charges

we'll probably just kick her.

- Hooperman, if I could please get the Andrews report

by this afternoon and I'd appreciate any thoughts

you had on the Vvalters case, is she wearing anything

under that jacket?

- No.

- I thought so.

- This way, Miss Delight.

- Bobo.

Gee it must be great to be tall.

I could never wear anything like that.

- Excuse me.

- [Man] Delta Pi, we pledge our motto.

Don't stop drinking until you're blotto.

- [Both] Barf until the morning sun,

buy your midterm, have more fun.

If that jockstrap's on the door,

know your roommate's gonna score.

Delta Pi, there's nothing better,

except the woman in the sweater.

Delta Pi, we pledge our word,

never to become a knight.

D-d-d-d-d-d-delta Pi.

D-d-d-d-d-d-delta to the day we die.

D-d-d-d-delta, d-d-d-d-delta, d-d-d-d-delta Pi,

Oh yeah!

(people Iauging)

- Gilbert it's great to see ya!

- You know I've really been doing great.

Come on, let me talk will you?

When are you gonna let me make some money for you?

I've made solid investments for all of our friends.

I wanna do one for you, ya know?

- You were the only one who didn't hassle me in college.

- Listen I've got this real sure thing.

- You do this to me every time you come to town.

- Just listen to this.

Wrinkle cream.

- In my work, wrinkles are good.

You need a few lines, you can't have a baby face

and point a gun at a criminal, they'll laugh at you

and that's not good.

- I'm talkin' about givin' you a secure future Harry,

now would you just listen?

Mega Seven Wrinkle Cream.

Now right now you can only get it with a prescription,

over in Europe you can buy it over the counter.

They can't make it fast enough.

Any day now, the FDA is going to approve it

for over the counter sales in this country.

You know what that means.

- No one's grandmother will ever

have to look like Yoda again.

- It means that if you buy the stock now Harry,

while it's cheap, you'll probably double your investment

once the FDA approves the cream.

Come on.

You drive, okay?

(both laughing)

Try it on, see how it feels.

You're never short and bald in one of these things.

No matter how short and bald you really are.

- Gilbert, give me that last figure.

No kidding.

Aw thanks pal.

Let me borrow your calculator.

- Eh.

- Uh-huh, uh-huh.

Pritzger, I could kiss you.

- My gun is loaded.

- I jut made 1,000 dollars in five days.

- A little kiss, but it's gonna cost ya big.

(laughing)

- Somebody say a thousand dollars in five days?

- Yeah it's just a little stock thing,

and all this time I could've been doing this,

I am such a fool.

If I woulda done this five weeks ago

I could've made 5,000 dollars.

I have to say this, I know it's gonna make me sound

like a capitalist pig but please ladies and gentlemen,

let me just say this.

Oink, oink, oink!

Making money is a serious rush.

Talk to me, ow!

- Hey-

Are you gonna cut your friends in on this?

- DeMott there's nothing to cut in,

this is just a little stock thing, no big deal,

it's just gonna put me across the hall from Donald Trump.

- Wait is this that mega stuff you were telling me about?

You made a thousand dollars?

- A thousand dollars, how?

- Captain.

I'm gonna do you a big favor.

You need to invest in a lot of wrinkle cream.

- Hooperman I'm gonna do you a big favor.

I'm not gonna set your hair on fire.

- Hooperman.

- Rudy look at you.

- Help me, I have a blind date,

and he's into the straight look.

Now I have the walk down.

But I can't figure out how you people speak.

- Rudy I got a meeting in a few seconds.

(whimpering) Alright, alright, um.

Think of John Wayne, Clark Gable, Clint Eastwood.

- (Clears throat)

Hello (clears throat)

Hello. (clears throat)

Hello.

(clears throat) Hello?

It's nice to meet you.

- [Man] Harry! - [Woman] Yoohoo!

- [Harry] Okay they're here.

- Can I stay and observe your behavioral manners?

- It's cool, come on in.

- I can tell this is the doorway to everlasting materialism.

- I'll be right with you.

- Hello, it's nice to meet you.

- Hi.

- Nice to meet you, hello.

Hello.

- Hi there.

- Hi.

- Hello, it's nice to meet you.

- Okay, everybody.

Listen before we get started let's understand one thing.

The stock market is just like legalized gambling,

there are no guarantees so I feel weird about this.

- Tell us again how much you made in five days.

- Uh Clarence, that might not happen again,

the stocks could drop, you know, God forbid, knock on wood.

Bite your tongue, but I talked to a friend of mine Gilbert,

and there is a reasonably safe option, it's called

a partnership agreement, we all sign this,

and we become partners together.

Owning a percentage of

Mega Seven Wrinkle Cream stock,

now depending on how much you put in,

that's the slice of the pie you'll get.

I think it's really neat that we're all gonna be

doing this together, sort of like a nice little family.

Let's hope it's the Rockefeller family.

So what do ya think?

- I'm in.

Yes I am.

- I'm in.

- Yeah, sounds good.

- [Betty] Okay Harry, here's my check.

- Okay-

- I'd love to invest in my future,

I just never wrote a check with a comma in it.

- Excuse me.

- I wanna travel when I get older,

I've always wanted to see Rome.

_ oh yeah?

- Can I have a real drink I hate parting with money,

especially mine.

- I wanna own my own home.

- I'll sell ya this building cheap.

- I wanna get a cellular phone for my mother

for her wheelchair.

- That'll be nice.

- Someday there could be a little Pritzger,

he'll definitely need braces.

Beverly showed me her high school photo.

- Hello.

It's nice to meet you.

- I went right home and tried that wrinkle cream last night.

My skin feels great.

- I know, tingly.

- Yeah.

- You start using wrinkle cream the next thing you know

you're blow drying your hair and after that

you might as well just turn on Oprah.

(people chattering)

- Listen Miss Delight this is starting to get old.

Can't you get naked in somebody else's district?

- An actress suffers for her art.

I was born to play that role.

- Tell me something, why were all those men

yelling Bulgarian choir, Bulgarian choir?

- Obviously you're not a fan, may I escort you

to the booking area Miss Delight?

- Oh you want your jacket back?

(people yelling)

- Sta)'-

Did we see the paper, two points up this morning.

Just wait til the FDA approves it.

You now what I think?

Hi Rudy.

- Evening.

I mean uh.

Have a bitchin' night.

You guys still say bitchin'?

- What is this, wrinkle cream?

Are you kidding, my stock made the headlines,

I told you you shoulda baught some.

Mega Seven Wrinkle Cream has been discovered

to cause severe side effects.

Blotchy skin, temporary hair and hearing loss,

and for some as it works itself into the blood stream

it acts as an amphetamine causing hyperactivity,

FDA rejects approval, stock makes historic drop.

Officer killed by coworkers, no one files charges.

(downbeat music)

(people chattering)

' He)' guys, read the paper?

- You hear something?

- What?

- Listen, I'm trying to reach Gilbert,

he'll be back in town tomorrow.

- I do hear something Rick.

It's an unfamiliar sound.

One I've never heard before until today.

It's the sound of being broke.

- It's an ugly sound.

- But you know what I hear in the distance?

The sound of revenge.

- Now that's an ugly sound.

- I don't think so.

- You know I'll try to reach Gilbert in Los Angeles,

he gave me the number.

I don't uh, have it, I put it in my jacket,

and she didn't give me my jacket back

and I really need that back, my jacket.

- Did anyone find more hair in the drain?

- Oh shut up.

So you're going deaf and you might be going bald,

I'm going on a date tonight with the map of

the Netherlands on my face.

- I feel really bad about this.

- How bad?

- Like I wanna die.

- Sincerely Hoop.

I hate your living guts.

- Hi everybody, my newspaper didn't come this morning,

how did we do, gosh you know that stuff be so great,

not only do you look younger, you feel younger,

Iran five miles this morning,

after I painted my living room.

Which is blue and white, looks very nice,

you're gonna love it, and then I typed up all these

little labels for my spices, it looks so much better

now that they're alphabetized.

Do you wanna hear something really weird?

I think you have a whole lot more energy

when you don't get any sleep at all,

what do you think?

Is something wrong?

- We're broke, belly up, dirt poor.

- Hooperman's stock took a major dive.

- Don't candy coat it guys, Captain.

The stock (whistles)

(makes explosion sound)

- Oh.

(screaming)

_ Cap, Cap!

- There you go.

- Detective Hooperman.

- That's right.

- I never forget a face because in my business

you rarely look at one.

- Uh I'm looking for Miss Candy Delight,

this is the only address she listed on her file.

- Thank you dear, thank you.

That's my wife.

I run a family business here.

- Look I know you're busy if you could just

tell me where she is, she still has my jacket.

- Oh right, right.

You know I finally gave her the part.

But she's not shooting today and I really

can't give out the number.

Hi.

- Leonard, take a look.

- Yeah but put a little grey in the beard.

And get the dictator and the polka dancer's measurements.

- Okay-

- Good.

Thanks Ma.

Ma's the costume designer on all my films.

She's very good.

- How nice, look, if you could just,

get a message to Miss Delight,

tell her I want my jacket back, here's my card.

- Yeah go on, I just, I gotta do an audition here.

You ready Marilyn?

- My home number's on there too.

- You know we did that in Wet Circus.

But then again, what the hell, it's been six months.

Go see my mom, she'll give you a W4.

Marilyn, meet Inspector Hooperman.

How do you like her?

- Nice acting, it was great.

Hey Barry, take this guy.

Hey fellas.

- Hooperman, way to go.

- Uh Bushkin?

I spoke to a dermatologist he said the blotches

on your face should clear up in about 24 hours.

And, uh, and any

hair loss will grow right back.

- What hair loss?

- Uh.

P ritzg e r' s.

- I could sell all my furniture.

And everything else I own and wear.

- Oh I made a schedule we can eat food

on Mondays and Thursdays and,

I snuck in a Sunday once a month.

- Do you have a bed spread?

I could make a dress.

- Oh my mother said that she would be willing

to sell the gold in her teeth.

- That's so nice.

- [McNeil] Narcotics has a lead for the Johnson case!

- 'Bout time they came up with something!

- Call them this afternoon!

- I'm on it!

- Pritzger!

- He'll call you.

- I spoke with a doctor and he said your hearing

will come back completely within a few days.

Tops.

McNeil.

Listen, after all we've been through you can't

be like the rest of them and blame me for this.

- I was rich and now I'm not.

We were friends and now we're not.

- I hate your blood Hooperman.

- Did it occur to any of you

that I take total responsibility for what happened

even though no one put a gun to your head

to buy the stock in the first place?

I mean does anyone care that I was up all night long

miserable, suffering, killing myself trying to think

of ways to make it up to you?

- No.

- No.

- Not really.

- What?

(downbeat music)

(knocking on door)

- What is it Rudy?

Yes?

- Hi.

- Hi.

- I'm Candy Delight.

Actually I'm Patricia Nixon

but it was hurtin' my career.

- Oh yeah, of course, I'm sorry, come on in.

- I gotta get to the library,

I just wanted to bring this by.

I'm sorry it took so long.

I wanted to get it cleaned but I had a class.

- Hey thanks, that wasn't necessary,

you had a class, what you go to school?

- Yeah (Telephone ringing)

Oh, you wanna get that?

- No it'll pick up.

- My shrink says that once I'm finished with therapy

I'm not gonna wanna do what I do so um.

Gonna need something to fall back on.

(answering machine beeps)

- [Pritzger] Did it beep?

Am I recording?

Hooperman?

Hooperman, you are scum.

- Um I woulda come by your office,

but I had enough of police stations.

I looked you up in the phone book,

I hope you don't mind.

- No.

- Thanks again.

- You're welcome.

(telephone ringing)

Mind if I ask you a question?

- Oh, wait a minute.

I know. (telephone ringing)

Is it one of those questions like um,

why do I do what I do?

- I know it's none of my business but

you seem to have other options.

- Options are a luxury.

(answering machine beeps)

- [Bushkin] Hooperman my date is about to come to my door

and I look like Telly Savalas.

Think of all the disgusting, tasteless things

that Pritzger would say to you and that's what I say.

- I don't believe this.

- Do you wanna talk about it?

I'm a psych major.

Hey who better to help someone with their problems

than someone who's been totally screwed up themselves?

- It's just that my good friends,

they all hate me.

See I convinced them to invest in this stock

and then we all took a huge loss.

- Well you try to do something for them 'cause

you love 'em.

When it didn't work, they threw it in your face.

Look I gotta go, I gotta get to the library

and I only got a sitter till 10, geez.

Um.

Your friends are acting like jerks.

Friends are hard to come by.

We all deserve to be forgiven.

Hm?

(people chattering)

_- Harry! (yeumg happny)

So glad to see you!

- I assumed this is not good.

- Why?

- What is a bomb coming or something,

should I get under my desk?

- No, no, no, didn't you read the paper?

- Your hearings back.

- Who cares, Harry we're rich!

- Wrinkle cream discovery.

Scientists have found a component in Mega Seven

Wrinkle Cream that cures burns in half the time.

- [All] FDA expected to approve the new cure,

stock prices soar!

(cheering)

- We've quadrupled our investment.

- We're rich!

- Dirty rich! (laughing)

- The Ferrari is red.

- New wheels, McNeil, yes!

(laughing)

- Yes, yes.

Yes, that's the exact message I want you to relay

to the commissioner.

Oh yes, include the kiss my, right.

Thank you.

That felt so good!

- Hey, three cheers for Hooperman!

- Save the hooray.

Alright, just hold it.

You know, yesterday you all hated me for something

that wasn't my fault, now today, everything's okay

so you all like me.

But I'm not too sure that I like all of you.

- We do owe you an apology.

- I never really hated you Harry.

- I did.

- I love you Harry.

- Hey, hey, come on, God!

" [Man] Hey Harry!

- Oh Gilbert.

Man am I glad to see you man.

- You're celebrating.

Listen I told ya.

It's too bad your friends didn't decide to invest.

- What are you talking about, they did.

- I never got the partnership agreement.

- Well.

- Get outta my way,

I gotta get the commissioner on the phone!

- Ha.

I was on my way to Gilbert's office when

I got the call to pick up Miss Delight.

See she took my jacket and then the day just got crazy.

Well look I'm not accustomed to doing this sort of thing.

And then I got preoccupied with all of you,

and then I forgot!

- I'm keeping the car.

- I don't understand what the problem is Hooperman.

You made a small fortune.

(upbeat music)

"Ha!

(growling)

(upbeat music)

(apple crunching)

(triumphant fanfare)