Original subtitles

(romantic music)

- Can I help you?

- No, thank you.

(suspenseful music)

- That's when the torso comes rolling down the stairs,

gyrating, spuming, screaming Chinese,

falls down.

Angelica, who's still blind,

reaches out and touches it,

and on her face is the realization

that the mutant has taken the talisman out of the pantry

and is using it at this very moment.

That's when we play

the split-brain cat in the dresser drawer

What do you think?

- Sure.

- We'll knock out this banister first.

- Wait a minute,

what do you mean we'll knock out this banister first?

- I know where there's a better one.

You're Hooperman, the owner.

The building is perfect.

Gary Bockstein, Bockstein Pictures.

I'm making a film here in San Francisco.

This is Europa Charles, my director.

It's perfect.

The upstairs, the downstairs, the alley, the basement.

Here's a copy of the script.

- You want my building in a movie?

- And maybe even some of the people in it.

- Hacienda of Blood.

- Note, change title page to read Tenement of Blood.

(upbeat music with saxophone)

- They're paying me $800 a day,

plus they're gonna paint the exterior,

re-carpet the foyer,

and replace the refrigerator,

and they're giving me a walk-on.

I get to say, "There's somebody upstairs." (laughs)

- Yeah?

It's all in the contract?

- Contract?

- Yeah, what about insurance, cleaning crew?

Do you get your meals?

Are they gonna pay you for using your telephone?

- We haven't discussed that part yet.

_ Hey, Harry.

Is it true somebody's making a movie at your place?

- Can we come watch after our shift?

- Gee, guys, I really don't know about that.

These are professional people.

They may not like a bunch of autograph hounds

getting in the way.

- Autographs?

Who's in the movie?

Paul Newman?

Warren Beatty?

- I really can't say.

- Oh my god, if it's Warren Beatty...

- Harry, we're cops, we'll handle the security.

Anybody gets out of line,

we just kick their butts out.

- Ham'-

Did you know that the last page

of this grotesque piece of trash is missing?

- Bushkin, the ending's supposed to be a secret.

Not even the cast knows.

- Harry, do they have any parts left?

- Excuse me.

- Harry, tell them I went to community college

with the late Jeremy Smead,

and the review said that I was charming

as the wife and mother of Oedipus Rex.

- Ordinarily, Mr. Hamburg,

a six-foot-two-inch Nordic blonde

who's run off with a Colombian named Geraldo

is easy to spot,

but nobody's seen her,

not a travel agent, a hotel clerk, a waiter.

- Maybe I'm wrong about the Colombian.

I naturally assume she'd take him with her.

I didn't want to come here,

but I thought, "She's been gone a week.

"You'd better do your civic duty

"and file a missing persons report."

She's run away, left me!

You believe that, don't you?

- Mr. Hamburg, we've come up

with something we can't explain.

Apparently your wife had a hidden camera

by the front door of the studio.

It was triggered by people

entering and leaving the building.

- I didn't know.

- Now we have a tape of her entering the studio,

but no record of her leaving it.

- She must've gone out the back way.

- The back door's been sealed up for some time now.

It was in violation of the fire code.

There's no other way out.

- Then the camera malfunctioned.

- The camera's fine.

You were photographed entering and leaving the studio

five times after she allegedly ran off.

- I don't understand the significance.

- You were the last one to see her.

- I left her working on one of her monstrous objet.

I don't know how she got out.

- Did you do something to your wife?

- Do something?

What are you saying?

Do you mean have I harmed by wife in some way?

Rot and rubbish!

You were both in that studio yourselves.

You looked in every room.

Did you see a dead sculptress anywhere?

- No.

- She hated me!

She liked to parade her boyfriends in front of me!

She can't even leave me without causing me trouble!

I really do have to go.

- [Harry] We'll keep in touch.

(people chattering)

- So what's the story on this guy?

- He offed her.

- He offed her?

He murdered her and you let him walk?

- What Clarence means is we have a gut feeling,

but no evidence to back it up whatsoever.

We have some homework to do.

- Is it true that someone's shooting a movie

in your building with Tom Cruise?

- Actually it's Raul Cruz, no relation.

- Any parts left?

- I really can't say.

Excuse me.

- Quiet, please!

Sound speed.

All right, sh sh sh!

All right, energy, pace, pick up the cues,

don't race the lines,

and action!

(saw buzzing) (man screaming)

- Freeze! - Police!

- No no no, cut it!

You, mutant, what are you doing, attacking or dancing?

What do you call a stupid turn like that?

- Don't call me a mutant.

I have a name.

- Well today you're a mutant

who's costing me three figures

because you don't know how to stick a drill bit

into somebody's brain.

Benny, work with him!

Everybody, 10 minutes.

Oh, and you two, work on those draws, will you?

They should look

actual!

Margie, get me some coffees here.

- Hey, Harry, look at us.

- What are you guys doing here?

- We were driving by

and we thought we saw a wanted felon running in here

and Gary wrote us into the script.

Rick got a line.

- Yeah, yeah, I say, "There's somebody upstairs."

- "There's somebody upstairs?"

- No no no, I say that in the movie. (laughs)

- Hooperman, listen, the place is working out great.

The water damage was over- exaggerated.

- What water damage?

- From the electrical fire.

Maybe Don didn't get to you.

- Who's Don?

- Oh then you don't know.

Your dog ate our cow brain.

Now don't worry,

we'll deduct it from the cost of your rental fee.

(smashing from upstairs)

- That sounds like it came from my apartment upstairs.

- I'm giving you a bigger part,

three lines in the acid spill in the kitchen scene.

- What acid spill in the kitchen?

- Don't worry about it.

Relight.

You didn't get the changes.

Listen, Europa thinks it's a terrific idea.

- Why don't you lay down and die, runt?

- It clarifies the story point of the torsos

and eliminates 11 pages.

- Gary, I couldn't help noticing

Europa looks a little drunk.

' Hmm?

No, she's just moody.

- [Harry] Isn't she supposed to be directing?

- She is directing,

and she's doing a fantastic job.

The woman is brilliant,

and she's tried to kill herself four times.

Yolanda, sweetheart!

I got us reservations at Chez Panisse!

Don't you even wanna hear what I've done to your part?

Jeez, what is it with these Frisco chicks?

(smashing from upstairs)

We have got a problem with the girl in the front apartment.

The place is perfect for starting the hair follicle sequence

and she won't sign a release,

and you wouldn't cater to me,

that the entire building (cross-talk)

and if we can't get into that front apartment,

it may very well mean the demise of the entire picture.

- But Yolanda, everybody wants to be in a movie.

It's un-American not to.

It's communism.

- I worked on a movie once.

- [Harry] Yeah?

- Yeah.

The third day on location

the director told me I had to take my top off.

I refused.

I would never do that.

- Well what if it had been integral

to the film's plot?

- What plot?

I was the caterer.

(electricity buzzing)

- What the?

- More, more.

Now put a double on it.

- Excuse me.

Hey, excuse me, my furniture.

- Hooperman, listen, your bathtub is marvelous.

- My bathtub?

My bathtub is gone!

Gary, why is my bathtub marvelous?

- We needed a fast-action drain for the bloodbath scene.

(man screaming)

(dog barking)

- No, Bijoux.

Come on, Bijoux, stop it!

(man screaming)

(lamp smashing)

- Nice stab, Hamlet.

Why can't you be that vicious on camera?

(dog barks)

- Sorry about that.

This dog sometimes gets a little out of control.

- Mr. Hooperman, I gotta tell you,

this place is terrific,

and the crew, boy,

they think you're one terrific guy.

- Thank you.

(Gary clears his throat)

What?

- The chick downstairs, she got a boyfriend?

- About Miss Stitt,

couldn't the hair follicles start somewhere else?

- The hair follicles are out.

- Listen, I was wondering when you'll need me.

(power drill whirring)

Jeez.

For my walk-on.

- Oh.

Tomorrow?

- Oh good, that's great, because I'm beat.

I'm wondering, will you be done in here in about an hour?

- Maybe.

Maybe three.

- Three hours?

- 3:00am.

(electricity buzzing)

- Hey guys, GUYS-

Oh come on, fellows.

(dog whines)

Come on, Bij, it's just for tonight, okay?

Most dogs would give their left wet nose

to have a movie shot in their home.

Come on, think about it.

We're begin immortalized.

The stains that you put in that carpet

will soon be seen in movie theaters everywhere.

Yeah.

And then on cable TV,

someday on videocassette.

(knocking on the window)

- Hooperman, is this your car?

It's perfect for the alien drive-by.

Mind if we use it?

(melancholy music)

- That's great.

Hey, thank you, you've been a tremendous help.

Yeah, bye.

McNeil. - Yeah?

- Take a look at this.

It's the name of an art broker downtown

who deals in modern sculpture.

It seems our Mr. Hamburg has just

unloaded all of his wife's unsold work

for a serious piece of coin.

It's a good bet that our grieving husband

has a bad debt somewhere.

- Ah, the old story,

he did her for her money.

- Let's go nail the creep.

- Wait a minute.

You're forgetting something.

We don't have a body.

- We will once we get a warrant

and three burly gentlemen with construction tools.

McNeil, we never saw her leave the studio

because that's where he killed her.

That's where she still is.

- Buried her in the basement!

- Or the storeroom

or the hallway or the attic.

(people chattering)

- Gary, you look terrible!

What's the matte r'?

- Betty?

- [Bobo] Him and McNeil spent the day

tearing apart that woman's studio.

- Is that you, Bobo?

- She wasn't in it.

The guy's suing for 20 mil.

- What are you doing here?

- I was taking Bushkin home.

We just happened to pop a tire at the corner.

- Ham'-

Why don't you go to makeup

and join us in the slaughter finale?

It'll cheer you up.

- Maybe later.

- All right, let's settle, people.

Ready, kids?

Let's have fun with it.

And

action!

(man screaming)

(woman screaming)

Now cut.

Dammit!

I told you to come down and mutilate the torso.

Don't you know how to mutilate either?

- I can't, it's too believable.

- It's supposed to be believable, doofus!

If you don't mutilate the body,

the believable blood and the believable arteries

won't spurt all over these lousy fakey-looking walls,

like this!

- Hold it, hold it!

Come on, that's it.

Now I've been tolerant,

I've been a nice guy,

but when you start calling the walls of this building,

the building that so graciously admitted you

so you can make your crummy little movie,

when you start calling my walls fakey,

then it makes me wanna...

Look at this torso.

This is phoney.

This is Hollywood.

- No, it's not.

See.

The torso is real.

(saw clanks)

Just look at the soft blond hairs on the chest.

Tattoo on the left arm.

Just yesterday they were all part

of a living, breathing man named Doug.

(man screams)

I lured him in.

It was easy.

Then I dismembered him.

You don't really know a person until you've done that.

(strange music)

I shaved under my arms for the first time last night.

(Cfeepy music)

Death is perfection.

Film is crap.

(mysterious music)

(Gary laughs)

- Europa, sweetheart, you really had me convinced!

Everybody, break for 10.

(everybody chattering)

(singing in a foreign language)

(dog barks)

- Oh don't stop, please, that was beautiful.

I thought it was somebody's radio.

- Thank you.

(dog barks)

- What are you doing playing a mutant

when you could be doing that?

- I'm afraid.

I don't talk so good.

- What's your name?

- [Bob] Bob.

- You got a beautiful voice, Bob,

so full of human dignity,

and the thought of you having to

humiliate yourself for a movie...

Come on.

- What are you doing?

- We're getting you out of here,

but first, you're gonna punch Gary right in the eye.

No, I don't mean that literally.

You're gonna find him

and tell him to take this mutant role

and put it where the klieg lights don't shine.

You're not a monster.

You're a man!

- You mean tell him I quit?

- Exactly.

(thudding)

- And give up movies?

- There you are.

Thought you might like to know

that crazy dame is up in your closet

cutting the crotches out of your pants.

- [Harry] Would you please not do that?

- Why?

- Because before, I could wear these pants to work.

Now they're just good for dates.

- My last date ended in a suicide pact.

- Go ahead, finish that one.

So how many films have you directed?

- Six.

Can't see them, except in museums in New York.

- What made you decide to take this one?

- Parked my car wrong.

You have the most amazing force of concentration

that I've ever encountered in a human being.

I want you to be in my next picture.

I want you to play the young man, the lead,

who has lost his identity in his own search for perfection.

- Me the lead?

- It's in you.

I can rip it out if I have to!

Where there's pain, there's life.

- Where there's pain, there's pain.

Maybe I could get you some coffee.

- Sure.

Black.

_ Hey hey hey, are you okay?

- Oh god, I hope not.

I took a whole bottle of sleeping pills.

- Oh god.

- See, her friend said she was only just a little depressed.

She was doing so well.

Now I'm gonna have to take over

directing the picture myself.

- Gary, get a closeup of this banister.

- Europa, sweetheart,

I'm making sure you're going to the best hospital.

- Don't visit.

- Listen, Hooperman,

I gotta talk to you about your walk-on.

(wall smashing)

(electricity buzzing)

That's okay.

- Let's forget about the walk-on, all right.

- I can't do that!

I gotta talk to you about it right now!

Come on, in here.

Please.

Fix it.

I'm gonna level with you.

We've got a problem with the movie.

- What kind of problem?

- [Gary] There's no ending.

- You mean there's no secret ending?

You have no ending?

- I wrote two dozen of them.

They all stink.

I went ahead, figuring it'd come to me,

but now there's nothing left to shoot but the ending.

I can't have a film crew sitting around

doing nothing for money.

- So what am I supposed to do?

- Help me get an ending.

We could do it with the two of us,

in this room.

We'll just keep talking and it'll come to us.

- I don't know anything about writing scripts!

- Come on, you're a cop.

You know about evil, the criminal mind,

the dark side of human consciousness!

- A cop's life is pretty routine.

It's paperwork, it's--

- Forget you're a cop.

Make it up.

_ [Harry] Gary.

- I just wanna make movies!

There's never been anything in my life but movies.

I used to sneak into theaters,

even when I could pay.

If I don't finish this thing,

I don't know what's gonna happen.

- This is your first film, isn't it?

- Counting my student film?

- [Harry] Gary, I'd really like to help you.

- Oh I don't know.

Nothing's gone right.

It's driving me crazy! - Gary, relax!

- I feel like I'm in a giant pressure cooker!

- Well take a couple of deep breaths.

- I can't take it anymore.

- Just remember-- - I'm not gonna make it.

Oh mommy, I'm sorry. - It's not life or death!

- I feel like-- - Gary!

- I'm gonna kill myself! - Please!

All right, I'll do it!

- The ending's gotta tie up all the plot lines.

It's gotta solve the riddle of the torso

and it's gotta set up the sequel.

Okay, now the talisman burns up in the meteor shower.

Angelica, who's still blind,

discovers she's the torso's daughter.

Dr. Schwartz's theory proves correct,

and the mutant throws himself in the jet turbine.

That takes care of everything but the 16 bodies.

- What 16 bodies?

- The 16 bodies in the tenement.

How does the mutant get them into the mausoleum

without anybody seeing them?

- Shhh.

- You can do it!

This one last thing!

You can dig down real deep and pull it out.

I know you can.

- 16 bodies.

He dissolves them in acid.

- Old as the hills.

- He grinds them down the garbage disposal.

- We do that in the scene with the janitor.

- He

mails them parcel post.

He rents a meat wagon.

Takes an ad out in the paper.

Listen to me, god.

I'm talking about 16 dead people!

What kind of sickds gonna wanna see this movie anyway?

What cesspool of the human character

are we appealing to with--

- Wait a minute.

One thing you said I liked.

Only would he mail them parcel post or overnight express?

- Wait a minute.

That's it.

I got something really good here.

The mutant used to be a metalworker, right?

He bronzes them.

- Bronze.

- He bronzes the dead bodies like baby shoes

and then he transports them to the mausoleum!

And he creates a kind of

sculpture garden of horror!

And the people are walking around

completely unaware that they're...

Oh my god.

That's it.

Wouldn't you know it?

She was right here in town all along.

- And she wants to see me?

- Not exactly.

We want you to see her.

Mr. Hamburg, Mrs. Hamburg.

- You're sure of that?

- We drilled a hole.

- You might wanna call your lawyer, Mr. Hamburg.

We're about to place you under arrest for murder.

- Tell me.

How did you ever figure it out?

- I saw it in a movie.

- Sandra, darling,

forgive me.

- Oh hi, Harry!

I just thought I'd get a start on some of this junk.

- Where is everybody?

Weren't they supposed to shoot today?

- Well, some guy that I never even seen before

came by last night and pulled the plug.

. The plug?

What plug?

Wait, wait.

Isn't that movie talk for running out of money?

- They didn't say.

- Yolanda, did they leave any money?

A check, cash, something with a signature?

- Uh-uh.

- God.

God.

God.

(melancholy music)

- But you know what?

Don't you worry, Harry,

because we can fix this place up even better than new.

(melancholy music)

- What the hell?

At least for a moment we were all stars.

We played our parts in the drama of life.

We tripped the light fantastic.

We were all in show business.

(electricity buzzes)

There's somebody upstairs.

I finally got to say my line.

How did it sound?

(melancholy music)

(cheerful music)

(powerful music)