Original subtitles

- All units, Mission district,

deceased John Doe in Coin-o-Rama Laundromat,

that appears to be from natural causes.

Here from the door, and according to eye witnesses,

looks amazingly fluffy.

- I don't know why you won't listen to me.

This is all just a terrible misunderstanding.

- Not according to the security people

in the department store.

- It's possible that they could have made a mistake.

Just because they wear a uniform and they carry

a walkie talkie, it doesn't mean they're infallible.

- Yeah, and just because you're dressed

like Nancy Reagan doesn't mean you're innocent.

_ Hiya, Hoop.

Great earrings.

Where'd you get 'em?

- I. Magnin, along with numerous other stolen articles.

- This is so humiliating.

God.

Where is my attorney?

They'll let him in, won't they?

- He probably has his own key.

Sit down, please.

- Nothing like this has ever happened to me before.

I feel so frightened, confused.

- She's beautiful, isn't she?

You do a good show, and I really appreciate a good show,

but please, have a seat.

We've got a report to fill out.

- I'm feeling a little queasy.

Can we go someplace private to do this?

Away from all this?

- Yeah, just get a grip on yourself.

I'll see what I can do.

Hey, DeMott, can you help me out on this?

- Do I have to?

- Well, I can't take her into interrogation alone.

Stern'll be all over me on procedure,

and I gotta ask her questions,

before I can book her.

- I gotta pick up my car.

If I don't get it by one o'clock,

I'll lose it for the weekend,

so unless this is really important.

- Okay, you go ahead.

I'll handle this alone.

Here we go.

Excuse me, ma'am.

After you, please.

(people talking)

Beautiful.

- To what do we owe this honor?

And here, I thought downtown had forgotten

this precinct even exists.

It isn't every day we get a visit from the commissioner,

himself.

- I had one of those boring community lunches

down the block, and I thought I'd just drop in.

- Good.

Good to have you with us.

(phone ringing)

- You know, I spent my first days as a rookie

right here at Central.

- Really? I didn't know that.

- Course, it was 150 years ago.

(laughing)

My buddies and I were as green as guacamole back then.

(laughing)

Course, half of them are dead now.

(laughing)

(phone ringing)

(scream)

(screaming)

- Uh, hi.

(upbeat music with saxophone)

(people talking)

- Of all the clays for this to happen.

- You know me, Captain.

I'd never do something like that.

Especially not in a squad room full of cops.

- You really violated procedure by going in there alone.

This is gonna get worse before it gets better.

- I don't believe this.

It's gonna be a nightmare.

- Let me get the commissioner out of here.

Just go to your desk.

Be available.

- What the hell happened, anyway?

- I got sucker punched.

It's a very clever lady.

She knows exactly what she's doing.

- Excuse me.

VWI there be any police business going on here today?

I canceled a doctor's appointment to come here!

" Huh?

- I've been sitting in there,

waiting to identify a dangerous criminal.

I'm sitting, I'm sitting, I'm waiting.

V\/hat's happening?

- Silardi.

This officer'll take care of you.

- You people serve lunch?

A little piece of brisket,

potato salad I love.

- Hang in there, buddy.

(people talking)

- Okay-

I can put up the bail for you.

Bail. No problema.

Now we have to talk about my money.

Mi dinero.

Speaking Spanish)

I have to tell you guys that right now

the cleaver's worth more than the gufian

- Hey, Bev.

Got a minute?

- I'm with some clients, Boris.

- Come on.

I haven't seen you in a week.

I'm jammed up today,

so there's a good chance we won't connect.

- Can this wait?

I mean, I could swing back at six,

and then, maybe we could grab an early dinner.

- I gotta talk to you now, and how come you don't call me

Bobo anymore?

- I never called you Bobo.

Makes me think I'm talking to a wrestler,

or a flying elephant.

- So, are we ever gonna see each other?

What is going on?

Speaking Spanish)

- Think about the dinero.

- Look, Bev, dearest.

You know, I'm a kind of guy that likes to speak plain

and simple.

- Yes, you are.

- So, have you still got an itch for me, or what?

- Is that what this is about?

- Yeah.

Three nights this week you have been unavailable.

I'm getting this, "I'm busy, Boris," stuff,

and that can mean a lot of things.

- Well, I'm busy being one of them.

- It could also mean, "I'm taking my eggs

"to another market," if you catch my drift.

- We are both adults, and we can do with our eggs

what we wish.

I suggest that we get together the earliest opportunity,

and scramble our eggs, if you catch my drift.

(chuckling)

- How about tonight?

- Tonight.

Oh, damn, I'm busy tonight.

- There you go.

You see what I mean?

- I'm sorry.

But,

we'll get together real soon, promise.

Call now, okay?

Amigos, we got to work something out here.

Are those belt buckles real silver?

How about those things?

- I can vouch for Hooperman.

He didn't attack that woman.

- She didn't have a record.

We all saw what we saw.

It didn't look like CPR to me.

- I don't care what it looked like,

I stand by my officer.

- As expected, but we're gonna have to go

through the drill on this one.

- Meaning?

- It has to go to OCC.

It's an automatic.

Let him drive a desk until the committee decides.

- You know, I want to believe her,

and part of me does.

I mean, once you've been prone with the Bobo man,

you never fly economy again.

- God, Bobo, that is so beautiful, but if you don't mind,

I got some of my own problems to deal with right now.

- This little voice in my gut keeps telling me

somethings up.

- Bobo, I don't know what to tell you.

You're a cop.

You got a devious, investigative mind.

Stake her out.

- I couldn't do that.

Yeah, I could.

(phone ringing)

- Inspector Hooperman.

We're turning this over

to the Office of Citizen's Complaints,

so you're on desk duty till further notice.

- Great.

Tell me, if I were gonna sexually harass someone,

you think I'd pick someone like that?

- I don't know.

When a man's testosterone kicks in,

his standards usually get kicked out.

- Why don't you type that up, Pritzger,

and send it to Masters and Johnson.

- No way.

They'd probably print it and take all the credit.

(suspenseful music)

- Bye-Bye-

- Beverly.

Aw, jeez.

UaZZy music)

- It's just so upsetting, going over it like this again.

- Just take your time.

Tell us what happened, as clearly as you remember.

- That day is etched permanently on my mind.

I can remember the temperature in the room,

and the smell.

Especially him.

His eyes. Lustful.

So mean.

He was, he was posing, and admiring himself in the mirror,

and then, he popped his gum, and said:

- You're in big trouble, lady.

Your days of grab and run are over.

The department store has a nice little eight by ten

of you copping their jewelry.

I'm holding all the cards now,

so why don't you cut the act.

- It was a misunderstanding.

I'm innocent.

- Don't look at the floor.

I'm up here.

Hey, right here.

You want to get through to me, let's have some eye contact,

okay?

- Yes.

- Yes what?

- Yes, sir.

- You know what screwed you up?

The stockings.

You had the necklace.

You were almost out of there,

but you couldn't resist a little something for yourself,

could you?

You know, most women wear pantyhose.

I like someone who's still into stockings.

Come here.

- Please.

- Just relax.

You know, if you cooperated with me,

this whole thing might turn out okay.

- What do you mean?

- I could help you,

if you help me.

- I don't understand.

- I think you do.

You feel that?

That's cop body.

Solid muscle.

Not like some of those flabbos you're probably used to.

So.

Is this the beginning of a beautiful friendship,

or what?

- No.

(screaming)

(people talking)

- Captain. Captain Stern.

How did it go?

You look depressed.

Is that how it went?

- Well, she was very convincing,

and two of the panel members are women.

I think we're in trouble.

- I don't believe this.

Sexual harassment is a violation of federal law.

I could lose my job.

She can't really expect to prove that I did anything.

- At this point, it's not about her proving anything.

It's about you proving you didn't.

UaZZy music)

- He then turned to you, and said,

"She's beautiful," right?

- Yes, ma'am, but I don't think he meant it

in a physical way.

I think he meant it more as if saying,

can you believe this woman?

- But the words he used were, "She's beautiful."

- Yes.

Those were the words.

- Is it true he didn't want you in the interrogation?

- He asked me to come in with him.

We always do that.

I had an errand to run.

He

felt that he could handle it alone.

It didn't seem like such a big deal.

- Turned into a big deal, didn't it?

- I don't want to tell anybody here what their job is,

but personally, I think we should take Harry at his word,

because he's a fine officer with a really good record,

and let's face it, with everything that's going on

in the world, earthquakes and plane crashes,

and Jim and Tammy, and drive-by shootings,

do we really have the time to persecute someone

so clearly innocent?

I'm sorry, I'm getting off the track.

What was the question?

- What's your name?

- Oh, Betty Bushkin.

- Yes, I'd say she was an attractive woman,

but definitely not my type.

- Ms. Bleckner claims you found her very attractive.

She says you tried to seduce her,

and when that didn't work, you attacked her.

- She attacked me.

That was her plan all along.

She's just using this sexual harassment thing

as a trade-off on the shoplifting charge.

- Tell us what happened after you got into the room.

- I should have seen it coming.

I told her not to sit on the table, to use the chair.

She looked straight at me, and said:

- What if I don't want to.

- Then, we have a problem.

- Problem?

(laughing)

I'm so tired of problems.

I just want to enjoy life.

Now, don't you want to enjoy life?

- Hooperman, Inspector Hooperman.

I think you should stop there.

You're running out of legs.

- You're embarrassed.

That's cute.

Inspector, eh?

You're way too cute to be an inspector.

You have real passionate eyes.

They're deep, and they shimmer with mystery,

and adventure.

- Lady, this is an investigation, here.

Not a Calvin Klein ad, okay?

- Don't tell me you don't want this to happen.

- I don't want this to happen.

- I said, don't tell me.

(people talking)

- So, how did it go?

- Did they buy your story?

- It wasn't a story.

- Any decision yet?

- Did you see that woman at the end of the table?

Was that a bad nose job, or what?

- What do you think, Harry?

You gonna come out all right on this?

- I don't know.

I don't even want to think about it right now.

I just want a cup of coffee, and a little privacy.

Nothing personal, I just need to be alone.

(phone ringing)

- Hello, Boris.

- Don't come any closer.

I think we said everything we had to say to each other

last night.

- We didn't say anything to each other last night.

You just drove off.

- I figure that says it all.

(phone ringing)

- The least you could do is hear me out.

- [Bobo] It's too late.

Besides, I don't want to hear anymore lies.

- [Beverly] I didn't lie, exactly.

- [Bobo] You omitted an entire person.

A person who saw your bathrobe, and probably a lot more.

- I never said there wasn't anyone else.

I just never said there was.

- You could have told me.

- Yeah.

Men always want to know everything.

Spill your guts, honey.

I can take it.

It doesn't matter.

And then, when you tell them, they go bananas.

- You made a chump out of Boris Pritzger.

- I didn't mean to.

- I will never be able to trust you again,

and I don't kiss people that I don't trust,

no matter how horny I happen to be.

It's over, Bev.

- Well, it's a shame.

But I understand.

(sigh)

- Bobo, you've given me a great idea.

(crying)

McNeil! Yo, McNeil!

Remember that little old guy, about yea tall?

He wore a hat, or maybe he didn't.

- Nope.

- I'm not talking about today.

The other day, the beginning of the end of my life.

Anybody see him?

Bobo! Bobo.

Couple of days ago, a little old man,

maybe a hat and maybe not,

walks up to me.

- Is this gonna be a joke, 'cause I can't laugh

at anything right now.

My life is a mound of rat pellets.

- Harry, are you talking about that guy

you handed off to me the other day?

Morty, Marty? Something.

Had a hat?

- Yeah, yeah.

I told you he had a hat.

Where'd he go?

- Home, I guess.

- Well, we gotta find him.

We gotta bring him back here.

- Harry, slow down.

You're beginning to foam.

- I do my best work when I'm foaming.

- Two days I show up here.

I'm sitting in that little room with a mirror,

waiting to do my duty as a concerned citizen,

and you forget all about me.

Then, suddenly, today, you remember.

You interrupt my lunch, and call.

- This is Mr. Shm.

- He witnessed a mugging in Square,

and they had him behind the 2A mirror

to eyeball a couple of suspects

around the same time you went in there.

- And he forgot all about me, I might add.

Don't I know you?

I've seen you before.

Course I know you.

I never forget a face! Never!

- Stop me.

I think I'm gonna kiss this guy.

(phone ringing)

- I've seen a lot of women like her before.

I urge you to look again at Inspector Hooperman's record.

He's a man of character, and a dedicated officer.

- We'll take that into consideration.

Thank you.

- Hang on, everybody.

We've got more testimony.

I've got an eye witness, right here.

- You saw what happened?

- Who is this person?

- I'm his commanding officer.

- This is a commanding officer?

All dressed up like a Spiegel catalog?

- If you saw something, we'd like to know about it.

Just tell us in your own words.

- Of course I'm gonna tell it in my own words.

Whose words should I tell it in?

Your words, her words?

- Just tell it.

- All right.

Well, I was sitting in the little room,

behind the mirror, waiting.

So, I'm looking, and then the door opens,

and in comes this young fella with a,

well, some shmancy, fancy woman.

So, he starts talking to her right away,

and he says:

- The sale wasn't bargain enough?

You had to try to get something for free?

- That's bologna.

I was merely trying on a few items.

- Lady, you walked out of that store

with more unden/vearthan the Lennon sisters owned

in their entire life.

- Listen, Mr. Smarty Pants,

do you think a woman of my ilk with a face

and a body like this has to steal anything?

I got a whole busload, I'm talking a busload

of eligible men.

Many of them would love to give these, who live,

to wine and dine me.

- Mazel tov.

- You're so mean.

- I'm not mean, I'm having a rotten day.

You, I need, like another hole in the head.

- You know, you're a very attractive man,

when you're not yelling.

I've always been partial to a man with a badge

and a gun.

As a young woman, I used to get hot flashes

during Dragnet.

" Huh?

- You know, if we weren't on opposite sides of the law,

we could be on the same side of the bed.

- What are you?

Are you coming onto me?

This is a definite come on.

- Then come on.

How about a kiss, you cutey face.

- Get away from me, you naughty woman.

Get away.

- Come here, you hunky specimen.

I want to gnash on your chest hair.

- You're gonna give me a heart attack.

- That's my specialty.

(screaming)

You can't get away from me.

This is just like the Ice-capades!

- I must warn you!

I have a severe lumbar condition!

I could collapse at any moment!

I'm talking.

- Guess what I'm gonna do now?

I'm gonna scream.

- Don't scream!

- So, that's it.

What can I tell you?

The woman went berserk.

He's a nice looking boy, but come on.

This kind of thing happens to Stevie Lawrence,

Vic Damone.

But to this?

- Well?

- Thank you for coming forward.

I'm sorry, Inspector Hooperman.

Please understand, we were just doing our job.

- I understand. Thank you.

Manny, come here.

I gotta thank you, pal.

Listen, you're having some problems down

at the station, anything you need,

I want to get involved.

Just ask me.

- There is something.

Your commander, the tense woman.

- Stern.

- Yeah, the stern woman.

She's married, single, or what?

(chuckling)

(acoustic guitar)

(mariachi music)

- Hey!

- Okay, so I'll clean up my act.

I'm sorry.

I don't want to lose you, Bobo.

- Come on up.

Not you GUYS-

Vamos.

El scramo.

(door closing)

(mariachi music)

UaZZy music)