Original subtitles

(knocking)

- Hey Lisa. - Hi Harry.

- These are for you.

- Mm, what a beautiful flower.

I know I'm late, give me a sec.

This is my friend Alex from Minneapolis.

- Hi Alex, I'm Harry Hooperman.

- Great jacket.

- Thank you, I got it about--

- Ah, is this enough for you Lisa?

_ oh my god, Roy!

- I'll call a paramedic.

- No, no, no, no need.

It's ketchup, see?

- Oh Roy.

- I still get to you.

You still care.

- You are sick, man.

- Yeah?

And you're the guy who's been sniffing around my beloved.

Roy Andrews, nice to meet you.

- Harry, I am really sorry.

Roy and I broke up two months ago.

- Oh in your mind!

- Uh, look is there a problem?

I've got a reservation at 8:00.

- Hey I took you to a restaurant

where I had to make a reservation, once.

When did you get your hair cut, can I ask?

- What?

- I am really sorry Harry, he just showed up.

Give me a minute.

- What?

Hey, 86 the cologne huh?

It's not working.

- [Lisa] Get in here, no for god's sake, Roy.

What kind of a maniac are you?

- [Roy] What do you mean a maniac?

- Oh it works for me.

- [Roy] Oh come on Lisa, you're not with that Gomer.

Let him go with your friend Alex there.

She's new in town, she's just been dumped,

she's gotta be--

- [Lisa] Honey, he can hear you!

- [Roy] Let go of me!

- So, uh--

- Alex.

- You just moved here?

- I had to.

I had 27 outstanding parking tickets in Minnesota.

So if I kill Roy, will I still have to pay the tickets?

- In it'd just be a misdemeanor, so.

You're covered.

- [Roy] So what about the bed thing huh?

How to get rid of your stone stallion?

- The sheets were singing, the Earth moved!

It was so good the neighbors needed a cigarette.

Let's go, Harry.

- Hey, whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa.

I'm under present in this okay?

I can see the future, and you're not in it.

So I'd like back my earrings, and bracelet.

- Fine.

I'll take the jacket I got you for your birthday.

- Fine.

Never liked it.

Oh, never liked this.

- My mother gave you that!

- Never liked her, and oh you gave me these pants didn't ya?

Doesn't matter though.

They're so you!

- Oh I think I'll go eat in another room.

If you'll excuse me, nice meeting you.

- Same here.

- I want nothing to remember you by, Lisa.

- It's a good thing you didn't buy him the underwear.

(upbeat music with saxophone)

Her name is Alex, beautiful name huh?

I called and asked her out to lunch real casual, you know?

But she said she didn't think it was right because of Lisa.

I'm having thoughts about her.

Unsettling thoughts.

- Don't think, do.

- McNeil, I can't like Alex because I'm already seeing Lisa

and Lisa's a nice person.

- So?

- They're best friends since high school.

- So?

"So!

If I ask Alex out, that would be

a wretched, hateful, ugly thing to do.

- Is there a point to all this Harry?

- I'm supposed to go away with Lisa next weekend.

- Well dating best friends at the

same time is not the problem.

Letting them find out is.

- I don't understand why you won't sign this.

They won't file a complaint.

Ladies, this man took advantage of you.

He took your money.

He sold you a bogus insurance policy.

Now it got you down, here, what's the hangup?

- Well, when we realized what had happened,

of course we wanted our money back,

but then you tell us that he may have to go to jail.

Well you can't do that and send a man like that to prison.

- Absolutely not!

Why he's a treasure.

He has to be free.

After all, he set me free.

- He's done this to a string of women all across the state.

I bet none of you even knows his real name.

- Shane. - Bob Brown.

- Luke Skywalker.

Oh Luke was the most loving, caring man.

Very hip.

He recited poetry and he bought me silver roses.

- Uh ladies, ladies if you don't file charges,

this man is going to continue

taking advantage of other women.

- Lucky them.

Oh he was something.

A real pistol.

- What he did was wrong,

but he was so fine!

- Do you mean to tell me that you're

not outraged by what happened?

- You know dear, I can tell by those

tension lines around your mouth, obviously

you've never had a younger man.

You need one.

(Qiggles)

Don't you think so?

- I'm gonna nail this creep with or without them.

What kind of a person does this to

a elderly, vulnerable woman?

It's a disgusting picture.

- It sure is, like balloons three days after New Years.

- Captain, I think I know how we can lure this guy.

We know where he found most of his marks.

We just send one of our people

and make 'em look 60 something.

- DeMott's got the right attitude,

but she's too young.

- We'll never be able to fake that.

How about--

- Me, I want this granny snatcher,

and I'll even go back into the field

to get him if I have to!

- I don't know, I don't think you'll

ever be able to pass for 65, captain.

- Sure she will.

Slap on a wig and that's about it.

Oh!

- This guy is never gonna buy me as an old woman.

- May I?

- Thank you.

- That looks like a lucky card.

- Oh, I never win.

- You certainly dress like a winner.

- This is last year's bingo outfit.

- I'm Wendell Niles, I'm pleased to meet you.

- Gloria Reiner.

It's a pleasure.

- Oh, I realized I just sat down here automatically.

You were probably expecting a friend, your husband.

- No friends, and my husband's at home

on the mantel, next to the clock.

- I'm sorry.

- It's been many years.

- Then you're a single woman.

- You don't get referred to as a single woman at my age.

- Age means nothing.

I actually just came here to drop something off

for a client, but this looks like a lot of fun.

I was thinking of buying a few cards for myself,

but I didn't have the nerve to until just now.

It's the little green specks.

- What?

- Your eyes.

That's what's so compelling about your eyes.

I was trying to figure it out.

They're beautiful.

- Thank you.

- Well, let's check the money situation.

Ooh, I better be careful with this.

Soon to be an endangered species.

- What is that?

- It's one of the insurance products I sell.

Whole life policy.

It's the best one I've ever run across.

This plan offers the kind of complete

coverage a woman like you needs.

- I'd love to be completely covered.

(knocking)

- [Man] Know you're in there!

- Oh come on!

What is this?

- Okay where is she?

- Roy, hey. - Lisa!

Lisa!

- What the hell are you doing here?

- [Roy] Lisa!

- Roy?

- Hey, I'm not stupid okay, huh?

I know what's going on here.

You're doing noonie, Lisa!

- Police officer, I could arrest you.

This is harassment, buddy.

Roy'?

- I'd be better off in jail.

I'd be safer.

I'm not a well person.

She's at the wheel.

I'm just some body she drives crazy.

Oh what a good doggy.

Two years, two years we're going together.

12 times I'm out the door okay?

My doing, huh?

This time, she breaks it off.

Wrong!

I want you out of the picture.

- Roy, pal.

I think I understand how you feel.

And you know something?

I'm beginning to feel like you and Lisa belong together.

- This is not news, Lisa wants me.

She avoids me, that's the first sign.

I mean, she called me a gonus, that's very good.

- Very good!

- Very, whoa whoa whoa.

What you want me to get Lisa?

' Yes!

- No, what, what's wrong with her?

Why don't you want her?

I don't want her if you don't want her.

- I want her.

- You can't have her!

- This is where we started!

- Oh good, I feel better.

- ROY-

Roy, you're gonna have to win Lisa oven

- I tried!

I told her she looked like she was

hitting the ice cream too much.

- Why you romantic devil.

Did you ever think of sending her roses?

Silver roses?

It's like I bought these for Lisa for our ski trip, you see?

They are what she hinted for over and over and over.

Exact size, already pre-fitted.

Roy, do you see what I'm saying here?

- It sinks in.

Oh, it hurts.

Oh I'm with you on this one.

I hear what you're saying.

I take these, I give them to Lisa,

I'm her genus forever.

You should write a book, my friend.

- [Harry] They were expensive boots, Roy.

- Oh I'll bet!

I would never spend this kind of money on her.

- Maybe I'll let you have 'em for a discount.

- I couldn't let you do that.

Nice doggy-

" [Harry] Roy? Roy.

- I don't believe this.

They were parking tickets I got in Minnesota!

What are you gonna do, deport me back there?

- Calm down, everything's going to be okay, trust me.

She's all yours.

- [Harry] Thank you officer.

- You had me arrested?

- Well you wouldn't have lunch with me,

you wouldn't return my calls.

- Wow.

It's not exactly a dozen roses and a love poem, but

it does have potential.

I guess this is what some women might call cute.

- I have been known to resort to that.

- Harry, we both know why I can't have lunch with you.

No matter how casual we pretend it is.

- Look, Alex.

I know this is a complicated tricky situation,

but life is short and I feel that if you meet someone

you want to spend time with--

- Harry, I'd like to see you too.

But not before one of us tells Lisa.

- One of us, does that mean either you or me, or just me?

Just me.

Okay-

Lisa, I've been doing a lot of thinking

about you and Roy, and I sense

there's some residual feeling both in you

and Roy and I think maybe that should be cleared up.

You know I mean let's face it.

I haven't clocked in as much time as Roy has

and I, I think maybe I'm the one that should punch out.

- The man is immature, neurotic, obsessed, he's an imbecile.

- But he has a wonderful speaking voice.

- Harry I can't see you anymore.

- You and Roy do this a lot, don't you?

- I have to go back with Roy so I can break up with him.

You see...

Wait a minute.

So maybe I should be the one who punches out?

You came here to dump me?

- Dump is a little harsh.

- I'm sorry Harry, I dumped you first.

- No, because I was intending to first.

- I knew I was going to break up with you yesterday!

- I knew the minute I met Alex.

(gasps)

- Alex?

Get out.

I never want to see you again.

- Couldn't you at least have thrown the ski boots?

- [Lisa] I said get out!

- O69.

O 69.

- Come on B six, B six, I'm one away!

- Why don't we get the business out of the way,

and while we're celebrating,

should things get too exuberant

you're covered for heart attack.

Your place or mine?

- Mine.

You see, I'm into leather and cuffs.

We'll start with the cuffs.

- Gloria.

- You're under arrest.

That'll teach you to respect your elders.

Pritzger!

- Not now, I'm one away!

- Pritzger!

- Oh.

You have the right to remain silent--

- [Announcer] B six.

- Bingo!

- [Announcer] B six.

- So how'd it go with Lisa?

- She threw hard, breakable objects at me.

- Congratulations.

- Did you hear about Casanova?

He's out.

- What?

- He faked a heart attack in lockup, then he conned

an elderly nurse to let him out of the emergency room.

- The guy's good.

- Oh yeah, he's charming.

You can't deny that.

She probably looked into that chiseled, handsome face

and sank into the quicksand of those killer blue eyes.

But I know what got her, it was that

tuft of chest hair just

peeking out of the top of his collar.

(people chattering)

I want him dead.

- Harry, I picked up your phone.

Michael said your car won't be ready until tomorrow.

- Tomorrow, how am I gonna take Alex to dinner tonight?

Michael?

- He's really funny on the phone,

and he has tickets to Van Halen tonight.

We wouldn't be able to go if he had

to stay and finish your car.

- Ah.

- [DeMott] Thanks Hoop.

- Yeah.

Great, it's gonna be a special evening

with a fantastic girl, now no car.

- And no brains, Harry.

Dinner, your place.

Women love it when men make them dinner.

It shows off your feminine side,

and once you do that, you're in.

- You have a feminine side, Pritzger?

Never show it to me.

J1 Chaka Khan, let me love you baby, I love you

J1 Chaka Khan let me tell you what I want to do

J1 I want to make love to you Chaka Khan

J1 Chaka Khan ow Chaka Khan Chaka Khan

D Gonna rock you Cnaka Khan gonna rock you

D I'm gonna rock you

Ii Gonna rock

(knocking)

Chaka Khan, it's open.

- Forgive me if I no longer trust you.

- That's it, I'm gonna shoot you Roy.

- Oh you might as well.

I leave here, there's that unspoken guy thing between us,

and what do you do, go ahead.

Take the knife out.

You broke up with Lisa.

Where are you coming from?

- You asked me to!

- I said stay away, did I once use the words break up?

She's all bent out of shape over it.

Salt.

- ROY-

He)', hey Roy?

Stay with me on this.

Lisa wants you.

It's obvious that the two of you were made

for each other and you're both very fortunate

to have found one another.

Is any of this happening for you?

- This goes in my diary.

The bond, this male thing.

It's very special.

I hear what's being said here.

I can have Lisa.

' Yes!

- So I can break up with her officially.

- A match made in heaven.

- Oh, you are one of the good guys, aren't you?

That soup is awful.

- [Alex] Harry?

- [Harry] Hey!

- I brought wine. - You brought wine.

- I don't drink. - I do.

- Why is he here?

- We don't have to--

- Oh you first. - Sorry.

Hi. - Hi.

- I'm very happy for both of you.

Uh, don't eat the soup.

- Was Roy here?

- Who's Roy?

It's interesting about live, Bijoux, Bijoux we have a guest,

where are your manners?

I'm terribly sorry.

- Well you picked a great meal, Harry.

There is no sophisticated way to eat ribs.

At best, I look like a polite viking.

- That's the point.

I want to break down your defenses.

None of this first date posing, here.

And besides, I like Vikings they're our

smallest minority, you know?

(sensual music)

- Ham'-

Harry?

I, I know this isn't

perfect timing, but...

Of all the things we've discussed,

we left out one very important thing.

- What?

- Oh, this is really awkward.

- What?

- I think we should talk about protection.

- I have a gun.

No I know, uh.

I know it's the '80s and I'm a single 911V

and I'd like to think I'm responsible

but I, I don't have a condom.

And I had the one I kept in my wallet

during high school bronzed, so it's

balancing the dining room table.

- This isn't very romantic is it?

- No but it's responsible.

- Safe sex.

- Or no sex.

Tell me if this is a bad idea,

and you can be honest.

No it's a bad idea. - What?

- Well, there's a drugstore nearby.

I can be back in five minutes if I drive fast.

- That's not a bad idea.

- Yes it is, I don't have a car.

Mine's in the shop.

- Keys are in my purse, red car in front.

- Oh god.

Red car in front.

- Phillip, take a look at this.

- Next, can I help you?

(clears throat)

- I'd like a pack of condoms.

And a comb.

- What kind?

- The pink pack with the little happy guy there, yeah.

- [Clerk] That'll be 9.98.

- You can keep the pennies.

Excuse me.

- Excuse me.

- I'd like a pack of condoms please.

The fun kind.

- [Clerk] That'll be 19.95.

- Phillip, let me show you something.

This is the one I want you to read to me.

- Uh, correct me if I'm wrong, but isn't that the fella

who conned the old ladies?

The one who escaped this afternoon?

You saw the photo, that's him

and he's at it again.

Come on, let's take him.

- Wait, wow, let's take him?

You got bigger fish to fry, amigo.

You're off duty.

You've got Alex on simmer back at Ia casa.

- He's a felon.

You know what he's about to do to that lady?

- Make her a very happy camper.

Look, what's his biggest crime?

Fondling a fossil?

He gets away, it's no big deal!

- Yeah but if you let it go once,

it starts a dangerous trend.

Nobody cares about your opinion!

- If you let him go, it's all you're gonna

think about when you're with Alex.

- If that's all you're gonna think about

when you're with Alex, you don't deserve her.

And you don't deserve me.

Come on, I'll buy you a drink.

- Just a minute.

I'm inspector Hooperman, I'd like to ask you a question.

- [Old Lady] Oh dear oh!

Phillip, why did you do that?

He wasn't trying to flirt with me.

- Call the police!

Ma'am, I'm a police officer!

- Love, if you could hit the gas.

- Phillip, your seat belt.

- You're aiding and abetting a possible criminal.

- The gas, dear.

Hit the gas.

- Oh Phillip, you let me come out without enough lipstick.

- I'm going to have to shoot your tires.

I don't have a gun.

- Hit it babe.

(crashing)

(sighs)

~ God!

- Looks like you're gonna need a ride, Casanova.

- I got a lot of explaining to do

to Alex, I'll tell you that.

I got to take care of something first.

Hang on.

- Okay I'll wait for you in the car.

(rattling)

- Excuse me, ma'am, would you consider

splitting those with me?

- Oh!

- Alex?

- Oh I'm glad you're here.

I was starting to get worried.

- I've got to tell you about your car.

(sensual music)

- What about my car?

- It's a very nice car.

- He'll tell her, eventually.

J1 Chaka Khan Chaka Khan Chaka Khan

J1 Let me love you yeah

UaZZy music)