Original subtitles

" [Man] Hey, it's the cops!

(tires squealing)

- I kicked in the door last time, remember?

Crack house?

- It's your turn and you know it.

- You're closer to the door.

- All right, let's both hit it.

- Good idea.

You first.

Come on.

(suspenseful music)

Freeze!

- Don't move.

- That's the story of my life, boys.

- Oh my god, we busted Jabba the Hutt.

- Oh, great.

Fat jokes from the Stormtroopers.

- Get up.

- Up's not a part of my life anymore.

- Come on, Clarence, give me a hand with this creep.

We'll drag him out of here.

- You gotta be kidding me.

- You have the right to remain.

(yells)

- [Police Officer] There's nobody here,

check the other room.

- To remain exactly where you are.

- What's the matter, Harry?

- I think I broke something in my pants.

- Never a good thing.

(groaning)

(upbeat music with saxophone)

- [Harry] A hernia, how can you tell?

You didn't even ask me to cough.

- [Doctor] No need to.

- [Harry] That bad, huh?

- That bad.

If there was any more of you hanging out of that tear,

we'd have to give it a name.

(QFOans)

- Okay, so give me some pills

and something to rub on it and I'm out of here, right?

- Ham'-

- Oh, wait.

Cutting?

Surgery?

No, no, no, no.

Don't hernias go away by themselves, kind of heal up?

- Ham'-

(Harry scoffs)

It'll only get worse.

Multiply the pain you're feeling by about 10.

If we don't treat it.

Some hernias become incarcerated.

That causes an obstruction in the intestine

that can endanger your life.

- I can live with that.

- Look, I can't force you to do this.

Go home and think about it.

In the meantime, I want you to wear this truss for comfort.

- Thanks anyway, Bruce, but I can't wear that thing.

Uh-uh.

No, if a woman sees me in a truss,

that picture will be permanently etched on the romantic lobe

of her brain and my days of horizontal pleasure are over.

- Harry, they were over yesterday.

(sighs)

- It's just a hernia, Harry.

Come on. - Oh, just a hernia?

Just a hernia?

Let me tell you something.

My uncle checked into a hospital for just knee surgery.

He had a bad reaction to his medication

and kacked within 48 hours.

Dead, gone.

There's no way I'm going under the knife.

Absolutely, no way.

- Scared spitless.

- Gee, that's funny.

Something like that happened to my aunt.

She died in a hospital, too.

And so, now my uncle's a widower and your aunt's a window.

I bet they'd hit it off.

They got plenty in common.

Dead spouses and millions from malpractice.

- Somebody should have her checked.

- Pritzger, stand in front of me, will you?

This thing keeps riding up.

- I ain't pulling that thing down.

- Just shut up and shield me.

- Hooperman?

A moment?

- Sure, Cap.

Thanks.

Captain, you wanted to speak to me?

- Hooperman, how's your groin?

- Oh, that.

Uh, it's nothing, nothing at all.

It was just a little pull, that's all.

I feel great, really.

Perfect.

- Good.

I just wanted to check and see because, um.

Would you get that for me, please?

- Uh, here, why don't you use mine?

- I want that one.

Bend over and get me that one.

- Okay-

(clears throat)

- Thank you.

- Your welcome.

- You're off duty.

- [Harry] What?

- Hooperman, by not taking care of this,

and continuing to carry out your duties as a police officer,

you're not only jeopardizing yourself, your fellow officers,

but also the people we serve.

Take an immediate sick leave and don't come back

until your pelvic area is perfect.

That means your intestines are inside your body.

Is that clear?

- Yes, Ma'am.

May I say just one more thing?

- One.

- Could you help me up?

- [Man] Coming through.

- [Woman] Excuse me, please.

- [Woman Over PA] Dr. Crawford to radiology.

- I know you're a bit nervous.

First time surgery patients usually are

and that's understandable,

but don't give it another thought.

Now, you just wait right in here

and I'll go see if your bed's ready.

- [Woman Over PA] Nurse Strother to East Wing two.

Nurse Strotherto East Wing two.

- Better watch out.

They stole my gold watch last night.

My husband gave it to me for our 50th.

It's not enough this place took my gallbladder, but--

- Now, Mrs. Hackett.

You know we're doing our best to find your watch.

Right this way, Mr. Hooperman.

That is a bit embarrassing.

There have been a few robberies, minor robberies,

here at Golden Gate Hospital,

but you just check your valuables with us.

They'll be safe.

That's your bed.

This is Mr. Ellis.

Hello, Mr. Ellis.

He's in a state of semi-consciousness.

At least he won't keep you up at night chatting.

Your closet and the bathroom.

Now, you just put on this little gown

and we'll be in to see you later.

If you need anything, just ring.

- [Woman Over PA] Dr. Goldwyn to NICU.

- Hey, new camper.

Jeff Johnson.

My friends call me Jeff.

You can call me Mr. Johnson.

(laughs)

I'm just kidding.

I'm your neighbor across the hall.

What you in for?

Me?

I smashed up a wheel.

I dropped my bowling ball smack on it.

Perfect strike.

I broke 10 bones in my foot.

(laughs)

Never drink and bowl.

Taught me a lesson.

Ah, got a bunch of steel pins in it now.

Guess I'm a hazard at airports.

(laughs)

Listen, there's some things you should

know about this place.

No matter how hungry you get,

stay away from the multicolored meat.

Never ring for a night nurse.

They're usually wide bodies.

Moo.

(laughs)

And don't trust the staff.

They're overworked and underpaid.

I hide my valuables in the bedpan.

Nobody wants to reach in there.

(laughs)

So, who's cutting on you?

Ge rvitz'?

Too bad.

I'm just kidding.

(laughs)

I'll see you around the campus.

(laughing)

- Hi.

I'm Harry Hooperman.

Terrific.

(grunting)

How about some TV, okay?

That's good.

Let's watch a little TV.

Gotta get my mind off of this.

Anything special you want to watch?

How about the Return of the Mummy, huh?

I'm sorry.

It's just when I get into places like this,

I don't know what it is, the smell, the doctors,

it just starts working on me, you know?

Can you hear me?

Oh god, you can't hear me.

There ought to be a limit to what they can

remove from a person.

Don't mind me.

Just ignore me, man.

I'm just having a little trouble here.

I guess we're stuck with the hospital channel.

Is that okay with you, King Tut?

Hmm?

Sorry.

- [Man On TV] As you can see, the new heart is positioned

and ready to take its place in the open chest cavity.

The rib retractor is used to pull back the rib cage

and expose the pericardial sac.

- Whoa, that's it.

I see spurting.

I'm out of here.

- [Woman Over PA] Dr. Brothman, 4-7-2-9.

Dr. Brothman, 4-7-2-9.

- Mr. Hooperman, you can't.

Nice butt.

Mr. Hooperman, you're the first person who ever made it

all the way to the curb in that outfit.

It was a pretty clean break.

What made you come back?

- V\findchill factor.

- Well, you be a good boy.

We don't want to have to tie you down.

- [Woman Over PA] Dr. Landry to Pediatric.

Dr. Landry to Pediatric.

(sighs)

- Who are you?

- I'm here to shave you.

- I just shaved five minutes ago.

- I'm here to shave you.

- Oh.

Oh, oh, oh.

I've got a little pain here, nurse.

You need a hand here?

(nurse whistling)

- Woo, it's cold.

Yeah, that's the hernia, right there, in that area.

Mm-hmm.

Couldn't we have gone electric on this?

- Why don't you just read something?

- I really don't want to be looking elsewhere,

if you know what.

- Suit yourself.

(gasping)

- Well, you certainly have a pretty interesting job.

What does Mr., uh.

- Jordan.

- Jordan do when he works?

You definitely couldn't support two people doing this.

- Loan broker.

- Well, I was just saying

that based on Mr. Jordan's job,

being a loan broker and all, uh.

Do you feel, personally speaking, that a fixed

or an adjustable loan would be better?

Because, you see, I'm sort of in the market for a new.

Hey, hey, hey-

That's a mole.

You know, I'm not accusing Nurse Jordan,

I'm just saying my watch turned up missing

right after I was shaved.

- I told you what to do with your valuables, Mr. Hooperman.

It's your own fault.

- [Harry] You Know, you people have a bit of an attitude.

(sighs)

(elevator dings)

(people chattering)

- Hi, Hoop.

"Mo!

Oh boy, am I glad to see you.

You are here to see me, aren't you?

Yes.

I was hoping to get here before the operation,

but you don't look too bad.

- I haven't had it yet.

- I knew that.

And that's why - Come on.

You don't look too bad.

- Let's go in here.

You can keep on cheering me up.

(exhales)

- You're wound up pretty tight about this thing, aren't you?

- I don't know.

I guess I am.

It's just, I don't Know, being in this place,

so close to death, and in a few minutes I'll be even closer.

Mo, what if I die on the table?

It's happened before.

People die from stuff.

- You're not gonna die.

- I could.

And if I did, that would be

a bummer.

There's so much I haven't done.

So many things I'll never get to do.

I've never gotten married, or had children,

or owned my own home with a backyard.

Did you know I never finished college?

I never sipped a Mai Tai in Hawaii.

I never caught a marlin, or had breakfast in Paris,

or run with the bulls in Pamplona, or visited Lenin's Tomb.

- Harry, have they given you any medication yet?

- Mo, can you stay?

I mean, for a while, until?

Well, it's just nice to have someone here.

- Sure, Harry.

I'll stay until I know you're all right.

If you're not, can I have your record collection?

(sighs)

Did they shave you?

- Oh, yeah.

Yeah.

- Mr. Hooperman?

It's showtime.

(soft music)

- [Jeff] Hey, fellas.

How's everybody doing?

- [Man] Hey, Jeff. - Hi, Jeff.

- Hi, Hooperman.

Ah, well, good luck.

Listen, as I was saying, put your valuables

in the bedpan, huh?

Ain't nobody gonna want to reach in there. (laughs)

- [Blonde Man] Ah, yeah.

- All right, we're gonna take you in.

Just lay back, Mr. Hooperman.

Just lay back.

- [Woman] You're going to feel a little prick in your arm.

- [Harry] Whatever.

- Mr. Hooperman.

- Inspector.

- Inspector, I'm Dr. Platt.

I'm going to be assisting Dr. Gervitz.

- Merry Christmas.

- [Nurse] Dr. Gervits, do you want the tray

on the other side?

- [Gervitz] Yes, would you, please?

Get me a triple blade.

- [Nurse] Sending down four units ofA positive.

- You know what?

It's Mr. Johnson.

It's Mr. Johnson.

- I'll take very good care of your Mr. Johnson.

(soft jazz music)

(walker tapping)

- Hooperman.

What are you doing up so late?

I was just on my way to--

- Save it.

You're the guy who's been ripping everybody off in here.

Stay where you are, you're under arrest.

Johnson, come on.

(walker tapping)

Johnson.

Johnson!

(gasps)

(elevator dings)

Damn.

(wheels rattling)

(walker tapping)

Johnson.

Johnson!

(gasping)

Johnson.

(grunting)

(gasping)

- Hooperman, pal.

Good buddy.

Can we rest for a minute?

_ okay, okay.

Look, Johnson.

Let's end it, all right?

With a good lawyer, you're looking at five to ten years.

- That's too long.

Bye.

- I want my watch back.

(grunting)

(elevator dings)

(motor whirring)

(exhales)

Can I try that?

(upbeat rock music)

Yes!

(Jeff grunts)

Yeah!

Could you move?

(body thuds)

(slow jazz music)

You know, your breathing's getting a lot better.

That and a good attitude, you'll be fine.

You've been a good roommate.

- You know, even with your clothes on

you still don't look like a cop.

- Oh, hi.

- Hi.

I heard you were leaving today, so I thought I would come by

and see if you meant what you said under the anesthesia.

- Oh god, what did I say?

- Oh, I remember the part about

the leather sheets and the python.

- I didn't say that.

But, what was your answer just in case?

(laughs)

- Don't let it bother you.

I hear a lot of weird stuff when the patients are under.

None quite as creative as yours, Inspector Hooperman.

- Ham'-

- Dana.

Well now, you take care of yourself

and don't lift anything for about 17 years.

And take your medication.

It's important.

(pager beeping)

My beeper.

Well, I've got to go.

So, I'm glad you're okay.

- Listen, would it be all right if I beeped you sometime?

I mean that in a electronic way.

- I'd like that.

Bye, Harry.

(slow jazz music)

(soft jazz music)