Original subtitles

- He's not gonna show, the guy's probably in Mexico by now.

- Come on, how far can the guy travel with no money?

He's in town.

And you're forgetting a very important element.

- [McNeil] Yeah, what's that?

- The guy is stupid.

A teller who tries to rob his own bank,

botches the job, then shoots his way out, that's stupid.

- He got away, didn't he?

- He'll show.

- I still think we're wastin' our time here.

- McNeil, look, girlfriend.

We both can agree, she's a major piece of geography.

You've seen the guy's wife.

Whose bedpost would you hang your pants on?

- [McNeil]All right, you got a point.

- Even if he doesn't show,

haven't you enjoyed watching her do

her nude aerobics every afternoon, hm?

We could pull worse duty.

- That's true.

It's just about showtime, isn't it?

So, step aside, son, I go first today, right?

- Nice try, nice try.

I go first, you went first yesterday.

- Thought it was day before yesterday.

- Come on now, don't worry, don't worry.

I will give you the first half play by play.

Here she is now.

She's putting in the video.

Hey, no no, no no no, don't--

- [McNeil] Hey, hey, hey, hey!

- [Hooperman] Back off!

- [McNeil] You can't park here!

(upbeat music with saxophone)

(upbeat jazz music)

- Well, hello.

- Hi, look, can you take her?

I got an emergency, Danny SchlageFs mother broke her hip.

Can you believe my luck?

- I think Mrs. SchlageFs got you beat.

- He's filled in for me before,

and besides, this is really kind of my case.

- Then don't let me keep you.

- Thanks.

Oh listen, how you feeling?

And how's the, uh?

- The baby?

- Yeah.

- I'm healthy, I'm assuming the baby's the same.

- Good, that's good for you, and for you.

Listen, we're really gonna have to talk about the baby,

what life's gonna be like, and all.

But not tonight, 'cause I have to go do this thing.

But soon!

We just can't keep avoiding the issue.

- Hold it.

- Hm?

- It takes two to have a discussion.

Anything less is either schizophrenia or ventriloquism.

You haven't been here long enough to discuss anything.

- Really, where have I been?

- On streets, doing your cop stuff.

I have seen you maybe 15 minutes in the last week.

Now, I'm here, I'm pregnant, I'm single.

I'm barely employed.

The father of my baby is basically a roomer

in his own building.

If you don't think I've got a few things

to get off my chest, then you are crazy.

- Have I been gone that much?

No, okay, you're right.

Look, tomorrow night, just for us.

What we'll do is, we'll make some dinner,

and we'll spend the whole night talking.

And we'll get some things settled.

I don't care what comes up at the precinct.

Tomorrow night.

- Shall I pencil you in?

- Pen, this is solid, in stone.

- [Susan] How do you live with him?

- Shouldn't you be lying down?

- Hooperman, that's how we got into this situation.

(Captain sneezing)

- Captain, you don't look well at all.

- Oh, thank you, Bushkin, you're my little morning bluebird.

- Captain, if you don't mind my saying so,

I think you should turn around and go right home.

- I can't.

- [Bushkin] Think about your health.

- I have too much work to do.

- Then, think of our health.

You're blasting millions of nasty microbes

into your co-workers breathing space.

- Well, look on the bright side, Bushkin,

if you catch my cold, you can go home.

- Well, good morning, Captain.

- McNeil.

(Captain sneezing)

- Bless you.

- What is the latest on our amateur bank robber?

- Well, our stakeouts at Clyde's house

and his girlfriend's apartment have been a bust.

Nothing.

- I can't understand it, the man's an amateur.

A nine-to-fiver.

We should have nabbed him the first day.

(Captain sneezing)

- Bless you, Captain.

- You don't have to keep saying that.

One bless you will hold you for the whole day!

Why aren't you on stakeout with Hooperman?

- Oh, well, I switched with Pritzger

because he wanted to check--

- I know why Pritzger's there.

Apparently, Captain, our suspecfs main squeeze

does her aerobics el buffo.

Pritzger was begging to see it.

(Captain sighs)

- Read the sign, it says Captain Stern.

Not, Captain McNeil, I'm in charge here.

I make up the duty roster.

Nobody amends it without checking with me first.

Is that perfectly clear?

(Captain sneezes)

- Bless, yes, ma'am.

- [Bushkin] Central, Bushkin speaking.

- Thanks a lot.

- You guys are so mature.

Peeking in windows, trying to catch a little skin.

Someday, someone's gonna call a cop on you.

- Clarence, Clarence, we got a 9-1-1 call.

It's a woman, it's that, it's a girlfriend.

It's the bank robber's girlfriend.

She seems very upset.

- Okay, get Hooperman on the horn, huh?

- [McNeil] She said Herb contacted her

and is on his way over, she's freaked out,

she wants protection.

- All right, we'll check it out.

How about that, she's on our side.

- Does this mean I don't get to see the aerobics?

(knocking)

- [Woman] Who's there?

- [Hooperman] Police!

- [Woman] Oh, come in, thanks for getting here so quick.

- Our pleasure.

- Okay, boys, sit your butts down.

We're gonna be here awhile.

- Oh, geez.

- Let's have guns, real slow, one at a time, you first.

- This may seem like a good idea now.

But you're gonna regret--

- I hate people that interrupt me,

and if you do it again,

I'm gonna make a sunroof for your brains.

- \/\/hatta you think?

- I think I'm happy with my present ventilation.

I think we should sit our butts down.

- Now, handsome.

I want you to call your station.

I want you to tell them this was all a false alarm.

And say it in plain English, no police code.

- I think you should know this.

It's a toll call from here.

(pistol cocking)

Where's the phone?

- Breathe deeply, Captain.

- [Captain] All it's doing is making my eyes water.

- It's an old Navajo Indian remedy.

It's, I don't know if you've been around any Navajos.

But they never have runny noses, here.

- What's that?

It looks like something out of a pool filter!

- We gotta build up your defense system

by reinforcing your antibodies, drink it.

- Ooh, I'm not gonna swallow that, ugh.

- Captain, it's a wonder cure!

You wanna get better, don't you?

- Captain?

- Who is it?

- McNeil.

- V\/hat's the latest from Hooperman?

- Oh, false alarm on a 9-1-1, Captain.

- [Captain] Oh, well,

we're gonna have to put more bodies on this.

Grab Silardi and DeMott, they should help.

- All right, yes, okay, feel better, Captain.

- Thank you.

You see, Bushkin, why I can't go home?

- Yeah.

- How long does this old Navajo cure take?

- Well, I'm not sure.

How does two moons sound?

- You know, you take away the badge, the gun,

and you're nothin' but a bunch of wimps.

I was busted once, by one of you protectors of society.

He told me if I did the nasty with him,

that he'd let me walk, so I did.

But he busted me anyway.

Well, now, I got the power.

Watch it, doofus, you're gettin' polish on my toe!

- I never done this before.

- You know, I hate people that always have an excuse.

Get the polish remover and clean up your mess.

Hooperman, how long does it take to cook eggs?

- Comm' up.

There you go.

- So.

Did you perverts have a good time watchin' me exercise?

- I didn't get to see it.

- Shut up!

You know, I made you punks the first day.

Maybe you guys should do a little sweatin' now.

Up and at 'em, boys.

Let's see some calisthenics.

(gasps)

Start with some jumpin' jacks.

- It's only fair, right?

Look, stop me if I'm wrong.

But, I'm getting a totally different message from you

than you're putting out.

See, my guess is, that you're doing all this

to impress Herb, and maybe, I don't know.

Maybe you're even a little afraid of him.

He's got power over you.

And you wanna break away, but you can't?

I think I'm right, I mean.

You know, it's up to you, am I kinda in the ballpark?

- Drop down and give me 20.

- Excuse me, I gotta go to the can.

' [Woman] So?

"So!

- So you'll have to wait, unless you want all of us

to go in there together.

- I can't do that.

- Suit yourself.

- Trudy.

- [Trudy] It's about time.

- Trudy, who are these guys?

- Cops.

(door slamming)

- Cops, are you out of your mind!

- They're our hostages.

- Hi, Inspector Harry Hooperman, SFPD.

You must be Herb Clyde.

- Yes.

I'm sorry, how rude of me.

- My colleague, Boris Pritzger.

- Boris.

Trudy, what are we going to do?

- We're going to Canada in their car.

- It's not gonna happen, Herb.

You'll never make it.

- Yeah, we will.

'Cause you're goin' with us.

(dramatic orchestral chords)

(grunting)

(footsteps clicking)

- This is a nightmare.

(coughs)

I'm kidnapping a cop.

My life's a nightmare.

- Don't worry.

They're not gonna touch us with a cop in the car.

Straighten yourself out, we're in it now, babe.

We're in it deep.

- Oh god, oh god, oh god.

- She's right, Herb.

You might as well buckle up and enjoy it.

- I was a married man, a family man.

I putted around the house on the weekends.

I'll never putter again.

Never buy a drink for a woman in a leather skirt.

- This is what happens

when your brain drops below your belt.

- Quit fillin' his head with that crap!

Herb and I got somethin' special.

Don't we, Herb?

Herb!

- Yes, special.

- Start the car, Herb.

- Herb, I know I'm an outsider,

and I don't pretend to know all the little subtleties

of your relationship with, um?

- Trudy?

- Trudy here, but think about this.

If you continue in this unlawful direction,

you'll probably never see your wife again.

- I knew there was a upside to this.

(engine revving)

- Clarence, I told you!

I don't how else to put this.

Inspector Hooperman does not respond.

- Are you sure this thing is working?

- I take very good care of my equipment.

Believe me, it's working.

- Well, I'm worried, they haven't reported in for lunch.

- So?

- So, Pritzger's in that car.

- There must be a problem.

It's way past his feeding time.

Five George 35, please respond, Hooperman!

Pick up the damn mic!

Excuse the damn, but pick it up, will you!

- Don't you think he should respond, honeybunch?

I mean, do we really want them looking for us?

- Take the call, tell 'em everything's okay.

And remember, you can either take a nice scenic trip

to the Great Northwest, or end up as freeway pizza.

Your choice.

You better take me seriously.

I've shot a couple of guys in my time.

- This is five George 35, reporting in.

We're going to lunch,

heading to Pritzger's favorite restaurant, Health Hut.

He needs his daily dose of tofu.

- [Betty] 10-4, five George.

- Trudy, you never told me you shot people!

- Never came up.

(grunting)

(auto horn blaring) (tires squealing)

- [Herb] Did you see that?

It's probably some maniac on PCP.

- We oughta chase him down, and give him a ticket.

Huh, Hooperman?

(Trudy chuckles)

- I think we should take the Bay Bridge.

- Take the Golden Gate.

- The Bay Bridge is faster.

Oh, thank you.

- Forget the Bay Bridge, we're takin' the Golden Gate.

- No, just no, I'm not gonna do that.

- Herb, bein' on the lam is hard enough,

without all this constant bickering.

- [Radio Voiceover] All units, 2-12,

armored car robbery, $500,000 in currency.

Suspects are traveling north on Finestra

in a late model blue van, California license,

one Paul Charles Edward three one eight.

- That must be the maniac that just flew by.

Isn't this Finestra, yeah it is.

Herb, I want that money, let's go get it.

- That's not a bad idea, you know.

Canada's getting really expensive.

- Haven't we committed enough crime?

What more do you want?

- Hit the siren, Herb, and let's roll.

- All right, but when we get to Canada,

we are going straight, I promise.

- [Boris] Help me!

I can't breathe, oh!

(grunting)

- Bobo, it's us, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey!

Man, it's a good thing you hate tofu.

- Hurry, I really, I really gotta get in there.

(siren wailing)

- I gotta hand it to you, Herb.

You're a real good wheel man.

(siren wailing)

(tools clattering)

(siren wailing)

(tires squealing)

- Okay, what do we do now?

- Don't ask me, man, I'm just a hostage.

- Here, go out there and get that money.

- What?

- [Trudy] You heard me.

- I really don't wanna go out there alone.

- I'm not goin' with you.

Forget it, they may have shotguns, no way.

- [Herb] Did you hear that, they probably have shotguns!

- We'll all go out there, together!

Move!

NOW!

(horn beeps)

(Trudy sighs)

- [Herb] What do I say?

- Out of the car, police.

- Out of the car, please!

- [Hooperman] Police!

- Police.

- Put a little more authority into it.

- Out of the car, now!

You're surrounded.

- Not bad.

- Look at this.

They have their hands up, they're giving up.

Trudy, they're giving up, I'll be damned.

- Tell them to put the guns on the ground.

- [Herb] Put your guns on the ground.

- [Hooperman] Now.

' NOW!

(guns clatte ring)

Okay, just don't do anything, just stand like that.

- [Trudy] V\/here's the cash?

- In the back.

_ Okay, you guys can go.

- No, stay there, wait a minute, wait, wait.

Wait a minute, they can't go.

Herb, no, look at me, Herb.

They can't go.

I've kept quiet for a long time,

but I gotta say something here,

because this has really gotten out of hand.

Let's say you make it to Canada with the money.

What kind of a life you gonna have, Herb?

This woman already has you busting banks,

kidnapping cops, and robbing robbers,

and you're only dating!

You were right, back there in the car.

What is next, Herb?

Murder?

- Shut up, Hooperman.

- No, I'm not gonna shut up.

You wanna shut me up, go ahead and shoot me, go ahead.

Go ahead, blow away your only hostage.

You know how you're gonna wind up?

Shot to death by a Mountie.

- Excuse me, were you serious, can we go now?

- Shut up, and stay there.

- Let him go.

Herb, shoot him, he's causing trouble.

Herb, if you don't shoot him, I will.

(ominous orchestral music)

- Put the gun down, Trudy.

- No way!

- [Herb] Put it down.

- I'm warning you, Herb.

I blew away two other guys,

and I loved them more than I love you.

(pistol cocking)

- Put the gun down.

(suspenseful orchestral music)

(sirens wailing)

(tires squealing)

- Timing is everything, isn't it.

- Captain Stern, Hooperman's all right.

They got everybody.

They got the bank robber, they got the girlfriend,

they got a couple of guys from an armored car hold up.

All in the same alley.

We're gonna have a full house tonight.

Isn't that great, Captain?

Captain?

Captain?

Captain Stern!

- Bushkin, what did you give me?

- Oh, you mean the remedy?

Well, let's see, it's orange juice,

lemon, honey, cloves, cactus pulp,

and the other two thirds is an alcohol compound

made from potatoes.

- Vodka.

- Oh, Captain, I'm so sorry, I should have told you,

just take a few teaspoons every few hours.

You're gonna have quite a hangover.

But, I have got a great remedy for a hangover.

- Bushkin, hand me that paperweight.

I wanna throw it at you.

(knocking)

- Excuse me, I need to speak to somebody in charge.

My name is Susan Smith.

- Oh, you're Hooperman's friend.

- Yes, yes, I just heard about this on the television.

What's happening, is he all right?

- You need to calm down, my dear.

Bushkin, give her some of this.

(precinct cheering)

- Okay, this is it, guys.

I gotta tell you, it's been a real slice.

Next time, I'll bring my camera.

- You know, this whole thing is about sex.

I always thought there was more to life

than just great sex, then I met Trudy.

And I realized there wasn't.

- You're a real pioneer, Herb.

Smith, what are you doin' here?

- I came to see if you were still alive.

- I'm fine, look.

- You can't just say, I'm fine, like nothing happened.

You were a hostage!

Your little adventure was on every TV set in the city.

I was going out of my mind.

(phones ringing)

- What was that for?

- For this, for what you do here.

- Oh, here we go.

Hey, you know what, this is good.

Let's get this settled.

Let's put this thing to bed, come on.

Come on.

Sit down.

Okay, let's hear it.

Let's hear the Hooperman, we can't be together

because you're a cop speech.

- What about your speech?

The one about wanting to be a father, and husband?

I guess that's only if you don't have something

more important to do, like getting kidnapped

or getting killed.

- Okay-

Occasionally, I do have a dangerous job.

So do firemen, so do test pilots,

and people who work with asbestos,

and window washers on the Transamerica Building.

You buy me, you buy what I do.

We can't spend the rest of our life

hassling about my job.

- Well, then, maybe we can't have a life.

- Maybe we can't.

But I'm not takin' the rap for it.

You've gotta take some responsibility, too.

Even if I were a milkman,

you'd still be on the fence about us.

If you don't love me,

if you have a problem spending the rest of your life with me

just say that, but don't hang it on my job.

- I got hit with reality today.

It's scary.

At any moment, any time, you can be taken away from me

and I would have to raise our child alone.

I actually even said to myself,

if he doesn't make it, if he dies,

at least I'll always have a part of him with me.

- I'm dead, here.

I keep arguing after a statement like that,

I'd be the lowest form of life on earth.

Besides, I can't discuss this here.

This is not a good discussing place.

(soft violin music)

I just figured out what we have in common.

' [Susan] What?

- We disagree about everything.

- No, we don't.

- I rest my case.

If all's fair in love and war,

why did we have to pick war?

- These last few hours didn't feel like war to me.

- A temporary ceasefire.

(smooching)

- Would you want me to be Susie Cream Cheese,

and agree with everything you say?

Oh, Hooperman, you're so wise, so wonderful.

I just wanna put on naughty underwear every day

and wait for you to come home.

Would you want that?

(romantic jazz saxophone music)

- [Hooperman] Well, maybe just for the first 25 years.

(Hooperman and Susan laughing)

(Hooperman and Susan laughing)

(jaunty jazz saxophone music)

(crunching)

(dramatic orchestral music)