Original subtitles

(eerie music)

- Does this bother you guys, or is it only me?

I mean, look at us.

We're babysitting a bunch of stiffs.

- What kinda creep steals from the dead?

- Obviously someone who can't handle confrontation.

- Probably some junkie.

- This place is making me hyperventilate.

- What are you so squeamish about?

You've seen more corpses than 1O med students put together.

Show him the guy.

- No! But this is different.

Maybe it's the nauseous flower smell,

or the way they make these guys look like, you know,

wax fruit.

(knock, knock)

- No offense Seymour.

Get down.

(creaking door)

(soft footsteps)

Police! (shriek)

Drop it, don't drop it.

Hang onto it but don't move.

- I'm telling you right now this broad is not our man.

- Let's have it.

- He's mine.

He spent his whole life with his wife,

and now he's gonna spend some time with me.

- We'd love to hear all about it,

but this really isn't the place, so handover the urn, okay?

(rattling)

(upbeat music with saxophone)

(mellow horn music)

Smith, I'm back.

I hope you didn't eat too much dinner.

I brought us a romantic midnight snack,

champagne and donuts.

It may not sound romantic, but the champagne

will take care of that.

(dog whining)

Hi Bij.

Where'd you hide that Smith woman?

Hi. Oh, hun, what's a matter?

You've been crying haven't you, hey.

- It's Johnny Big, they're not going

to publish my novel.

- What happened, I thought they loved it?

- The publishing company was bought out

by one of those conglomerates.

It's now a division of Cynthia Foods.

They don't like detective novels.

You know what they like, cookbooks, travel books.

Their biggest seller last year was How to Cheer Up

Your Pets. (dog whining)

- Well hey, there are other publishers.

- The other publishers know about my book.

They read it, and they rejected it.

This was my last shot.

God, I was feeling so good about my work, about myself.

This meant so much to me.

- Last shot?

There's no such thing as a last shot.

Come on, you've got other books inside of you.

Look, there's on in there right now.

It looks good, looks like a thriller.

- Hooperman, there's something you should know about me.

- What?

- When I'm down, I hate to be cheered up.

It gets me insane.

- Okay, forget that, that was thoughtless.

Just, why don't we try just holding in silence, come on.

_ Okay? ("PS smacking)

God, I feel so bad for you.

Losing Johnny Big, that was a big dream,

but I feel terrific for us, that we can sit

here like this, go through a major disappointment together.

We can be so close now. (lips smacking)

God these last few days have been the happiest,

most beautiful, most passionate, loving,

honest days of my life.

- I'm a failure.

I'm a total failure.

- I think we need a little more silent holding.

- I think I need a little more time alone.

You better go Hooperman, okay?

- Okay (Lips smacking)

I'm right upstairs if you need me,

so in the next half hour or so if you feel like, you know...

- Hooperman. (dog whining)

(door clanging)

- We had 15 years together.

I wasn't just his mistress.

I was his friend, his confidant.

I designed his underwear.

I gave up everything for him, marriage, children, my future.

I spent every holiday alone.

He belongs with me.

- Tell that to his wife, she's the one pressing charges.

- Hooperman, God!

- I'm sorry, look what we have here is attempted burglary.

- In your opinion only.

My client was simply visiting Mr. Broader's remains

at the only time available considering her delicate status,

vis-a-vis, the family.

The fact that her visit coincided with your investigation

of a totally separate case is unfortunate,

but still no reason to ship my client to the big house.

- They hauled me down here, and they booked me

like a common thief.

- We may have a potential lawsuit here.

- Gimme a break.

- I've been permanently traumatized.

That should have some dollar value attached to it.

- You name the figure, I'll go get it.

My cut is 40%.

- Look, look, Mrs. Broader is on her way down here.

Maybe when she sees that her husband is still

resting in peace she won't press charges.

- I say let her.

Maybe we could sue her for custody of, Larry, is it?

It would be a precedent-setting case.

That's my specialty.

- Peaches, let me warn you, this woman

went to law school in a shopping mall.

- I don't see that we have anything to talk about.

- We've gotta divide up our assets.

- The house is mine, Lou.

What is it you think you're entitled to?

- Your half of my half of the business.

Now I'm prepared to buy you out at what I think

is a very generous offer.

- A generous offer?

This from the man who gave his mother

a case of tuna fish for Christmas.

- It was imported from Japan.

I thought it was kinda different.

- I don't understand.

Why would anyone want to steal my husband,

especially in his present state?

- Well the person we apprehended claimed

to be an acquaintance of Mr. Broadefls.

We have no reason to doubt her.

- Her? It's a woman?

- Peaches Markowitz, they were getting it on.

- That's one way of describing their level of acquaintance.

- And how long did she say this affair had been going on?

- I don't recall exactly,

but I think it was in double-digits.

- Um, Captain Stern, you wouldn't wanna buy

my accordion would you?

I'm selling it, it's a neat hobby.

It's a great way to meet guys,

and now that you're single, you--

- Bushkin, I don't wanna meet anybody

who likes the accordion.

- Oh, what a lovely vase.

- It's not a vase, it's my lying, cheating,

low-life husband.

The man had a mistress for years.

I just found out.

- They're all animals.

- Is anybody in here?

- I don't see any feet.

What are you gonna do?

- I'm gonna flush him into the Bay where he belongs.

- Go for it.

- Shouldn't we say a prayer or something?

- He doesn't deserve it.

Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today

to pay our last respects to Larry Broader,

unfaithful husband, inadequate lover,

a jerk for all seasons.

Adios Lorenzo! (toilet flushing)

(knock, knock, knock)

- Smith?

- Come in Hooperman, it's open.

- It's open, come on Smith, the lock!

You're working, that's great!

Is that a book or a letter?

- Book.

- Further adventures of Johnny Big?

- New book.

- You're amazing, a brand new idea just like that?

- Old idea.

- I really admire you.

When I left, you were a nervous wreck.

Now look at you, you're smoking on that thing.

I always knew you were a strong person,

but this, this is hall of fame inner-strength.

I'm blown away.

I mean not many people--

- Let me just finish this line.

- Sure.

(key tapping)

- Perfect.

Hooperman, I have had the most amazing day.

You were right, I did have another book in me.

It's just pouring out.

This one is a gusher.

Out of the ashes of Johnny Big came the novel

I should have been writing all the time.

This is the story of the human condition,

my human condition.

- I have never seen you this excited.

I mean, I have, but not in this room.

- It is such a pleasure, such a liberating experience

to be writing the truth.

The point of view is, a young woman, an artist,

trapped in a literary jungle filled with predators

driven by greed who worship at the alter of mediocrity.

It's the young woman's search for artistic integrity

that ultimately helps her find herself.

- That sounds like it belongs in a book.

- I don't know how I'm going to get her there,

but I want to end the book with her in Nepal

walking upward alone.

- Alone, really?

- Really.

- Where's she going?

- I don't know, I'm only on page 20.

Do you believe it Harry?

I wrote 20 pages tonight.

- That's great, but remember what Emily Bronte used to say,

"20 pages, take a break."

I think we should take a little break.

(lips smacking)

- I can't do it, I'm really on a roll.

I have to kick you out of here.

You too Bijoux. (dog whining)

It's all coming so clear and so fast,

I can't interrupt it.

- Well don't you think we should at least

talk about it?

- Of course I do, but not now.

Don't worry about me, I will surface eventually.

Good night Hooperman.

- Good night, Smith.

I'm not gonna deny it, this is a setback.

And I'd be lying to you if I didn't say

this is the hall, and we're in it again.

But it's only halftime. (dog whining)

(soft horn music)

(soft horn music)

- I appreciate you agreeing to see me Celeste.

- This is my last official act as your sister-in-law.

- I know Lou made you an offer for your part

of Stern Brothers Security and Alarm.

First of all, what you should know is,

the business is worth twice what he told you it is.

- Yes, and if you're telling me twice

then it's probably worth four times as much.

- I wouldn't lie to you Celeste.

I got too much respect for you.

You deserve a lot better than Lou.

He's strange, you know?

- No kidding.

- Even in high school when he used to

shave his ankles for football.

He didn't stop with just his own ankles.

He didn't stop with just his own body either.

- In case you haven't noticed, I'm having my lunch Buddy.

- I know you've always thought of me

as just a brother-in-law, and I've always

thought of you in a much deeper way.

You're bright, you're sensitive, you're sensuous,

everything a man could want.

Everything I want.

It's been hell all these years controlling my urges

And just thinking about you and my brother in bed

drove me nuts!

I know, I know you got a lot on your mind right now

with the divorce and all, but when you get ready

to put the pieces back together,

I hope I'm one of those pieces.

I'm not Lou.

The only thing we have in common is a hammertoe.

- Can we get back to business?

- All right, sorry, business it is.

I will double anything my brother offered you, in cash.

- You have that much money in cash?

- Oh yes.

Be smart Celeste, there's no room for emotion in this deal.

- Clarence.

- Well how'd it go?

- Best physical I ever had, clean bill of health.

- All right!

- I've got the body of a man five to 10 weeks younger

than my chronological age.

- I hate the words those doctors use.

They scare the hell out of you.

Last year they told me I had alopecia areata.

I was ready to make out my will.

You know what that is?

- Alopecia... - Areata.

- I've never heard of it.

- It means you're going bald.

They were wrong, turned out to be stress.

It all came back.

- Hey, Hooperman, we're out of here, no evidence, no case.

You mind if my client drops this in the ladie's?

- Beats an eternal flame.

(Whimpers)

- Keep at it Hooperman, you're good for business.

- Hooperman, Pritzger, McNeil.

I wanna read you something from today's newspaper.

It's been said that the only things certain in life

are death and taxes.

In San Francisco, your tax dollars can't protect

you from being robbed even after death.

In fact, the phrase, you can't take it with you,

has taken on new meaning in this city.

It goes onto trash this precinct, my precinct.

Today we're on page four, tomorrow probably page two.

The day we make the front page, gentleman,

you're on Cushman carts chalking tires.

- We're on it captain, we got another steak out tonight.

- That doesn't blow any wind up my skirt.

Let's catch someone, and arrest him.

Lou, in my office.

Just to keep you up to date, your brother, Buddy,

offered me twice your insulting offer.

- I'm dead, he did it to me.

He killed me.

I know what I did was wrong, Celeste,

but I do not, I do not deserve the death penalty.

If he gets 75% of the business, you know what that makes me?

A stock boy.

- I wouldn't worry about that, Lou, he'll probably fire you.

- I never knew you were this vindictive. (deep sigh)

Celeste, what good would punishing me do?

Would it bring our marriage back?

- Don't say that, don't even think that.

- I thought we were gonna have a nice, amicable divorce,

no hot-shot lawyer, no courtroom, just that little

do-it-yourself pamphlet I bought for the both of us.

What happened to that Celeste?

- Oh, Lou, shut up.

I'm going to sell you my half out of respect,

respect for all the good years that we had together.

Whether you value that or not, makes no difference.

- Oh, Celeste. (deep sigh)

- Get out your checkbook and match your brother's offer.

- This is respect?

- Write.

- Right.

What are you doing?

- Calling the bank to make sure your check's good.

- I know you fellas have to do what you have to do,

but please don't touch anything.

No food and no smoking.

- We have a responsibility to our guests.

- What's the big deal with Diamond Jim anyway?

- He's a prime candidate for our burglar.

- Could we see the other room please?

- The Grotto of Serenity, of course.

Just follow Tina, she's taking Mr. Federson in now.

(frightful grimacing)

- Excuse me.

- [Coroner] Looks terrific, good job Tina.

- Tina is a true artist.

See how she managed to keep his tan.

It looks like he just got back from Hawaii.

- He does look like he should be windsurfing, huh?

- Could we move this along,

it's getting a little rank in here.

- So here's my cousin, you know, he's on the road.

He's got his trunk full of mortuary supplies.

It's already dark when he decides

to make that one last call.

And the guy says, "Yeah, sure, come on over."

So my cousin ends up on this lonely, desolate hill,

and he's staring up at this place

that looks like the house in “Psycho...

- I don't wanna hears this, do you wanna hear this?

- I like this kinda stuff.

- What?

- This guy does his embalming

down in the basement, you know?

And he's at the slab, and he's draining one of his clients,

and my cousin is doing his sales pitch.

Now you gotta remember, this is the first time

my cousin has ever seen a dead body in his life.

But he's trying to maintain.

And then the guy says, "Hey kid," he says,

"I'm gonna go upstairs and check on my inventory."

He says, "You stay here until I get back?

So my cousin ends up with the cadaven

- Ah geez.

- And my cousin is sweating bullets man,

but he is trying to hold on, you know?

When all of a sudden, the corpse sits up like this.

(moaning)

You outta seen my cousin.

(laughing)

My cousin set the land speed record for a guy

in a $20 suit and wingtip shoes.

(laughing)

And that's how he became a tropical fish salesman.

(thud)

- Let's hit it.

(eerie music)

(creaking door)

(eerie music)

(creaking coffin door)

(eerie music)

(rattling jewelry)

- Hi, Harry Hooperman, SFPD, you're under arrest.

(gasping)

(body thuds)

- This guy has the right to remain silent forever.

- Oh geez.

(light horn music)

(keys tapping)

(door knocks)

- Hooperman?

- Yeah.

- V\/hat's the matter, you look terrible.

- Same 0l', same 0l, cop's life.

I had a physical this morning, but that's nothing.

- Hooperman, something is wrong.

- You know, I was thinking about all the things

I've never done, things I've wanted to do,

travel, get really good on the sax, paint.

You know, before it's too late,

and I was thinking about how I'd miss YOU,

miss touching you, and making love to you.

These situations get you in touch

with what's really important in life.

- What situations?

What is going on?

- It's just what the doctor said, actually, doctors.

I now have several.

I wasn't gonna tell you this right away,

but what's the use?

- What did they say?

- Basically, they said don't start any long books.

- You mean you're going to...

Oh God, Hooperman no!

- This is why I didn't want to tell you.

- No, no, I am glad you told me.

I love you Hooperman.

(lips smacking)

Starting right now, I don't want us to be apart

for one minute. - We won't.

- We can beat this.

I mean there are other doctors, there's specialists

in other countries.

We just can't give up.

Harry, you can't give up.

- I won't.

(lips smacking)

- What is it that we're fighting here?

- It's just some Canadian thing, it's very rare.

It's called alopecia.

- Hooperman, that is baldness, you don't die from that.

- It's one of the early symptoms.

- It is the only symptom.

This is just a pathetic, juvenile attempt

to get me into the bedroom again.

- Okay, okay, look, but if I'm willing

to stoop this low, doesn't that say something?

(door slamming)

(dog whining)

(door slamming)

You know Bijoux, I just made a serious error in judgment.

What I just did was possibly the lowest thing I've ever done

in my life.

And you know what's amazing?

I'm prepared to go even lower.

(dog whining)

(light horn music)

(uplifting horn music)