Original subtitles

- (traffic sounds)

- All units vicinity Union Square

we have a 211 reported by a Salvation Army band.

Suspect is on foot, fleeing, carrying

a cast iron donation kettle.

We have reports that the drummer and the trumpet player

are in cold pursuit?

Merry Christmas.

- I'm beginning to think this open house

wasn't my best idea, nobody's here.

- They'll show Captain, it's early

lots of people need a place to go on Christmas.

Believe me it's gonna be great.

How's this look.

- Cheap.

- But festive, keep the spirit Captain,

we don't want that Grinch to sneak in.

- I'm here for the free grub lady.

- Uh, well, step right over here

and help yourself to our holiday buffet.

- That's it.

- Well, we have some pizzas coming.

I'm Captain Stern and on behalf of the entire SFPD

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year.

- Okay, I'm gonna take your cuffs off now, all right?

- All right.

- They're comin off, they're off.

(TQM grunts)

A little back up here.

(cheering)

- Go for it Bobo, don't hold back, come on.

(cheering)

- Come on Bobs, come on Bobm.

(cheering)

- One, two, three.

(clapping)

- We have a winner.

(upbeat music with saxophone)

(rain)

(phone ringing)

- Merry, Merry Christmas, ho, ho, ho.

Hey listen, I want to setup an early appointment this year.

I got all my tax stuff together,

I want the government sending my money back.

I bought a toiler for an aircraft carrier (laughs).

- You look ridiculous, whoever heard of a black Santa Claus?

- Kiss my chestnuts Pritzger, ho, ho, ho.

(office noise)

- Just put em right over there, that's good,

yah, in the bin please.

Thank you.

(coughing)

- Excuse me, please leave that alone.

You're handling that in an unsanitary manner.

No one's gonna want eat that

after it's been handled by a Wino.

- I'm not a Wino, madam, I'm a bum.

Songs are written about bums, poems are written about bums.

Anybody ever write a song about you sweetheart?

Um hum, they never will.

- You've had enough, now shoo.

Go on.

- Welcome, can I help you?

- Actually, I need to talk to someone, a cop.

- Well, you've come to the right place, Merry Christmas.

- Likewise.

- Uh, would you like to help yourself to uh,

our holiday buffet?

- No, thank you.

Actually, I'd like to report a crime.

- Certainly. Hooperman.

- Yes Ma'am.

- This individual wants to report a crime.

- \/\/hat'd you do, mug Blitzen?

- Hooperman. - Sorry.

- Come with me deer, sir.

- Three Adam Seven, citizen reporting nude body,

possible foul play, victim is in litter bin

at corner of Fillmore and Guerrero.

- Okay, I think it's time you told us your name.

- Yeah, that's my desk over there,

I'll be with you in a minute.

- If that's a tough one,

then let's move on to where do you live?

Age?

16.

- 16 1/2, and I wasn't soliciting.

- I didn't say you were good at it.

I know this is your first time.

There are only two species that'll stand in the pouring rain

turkeys and first time hookers.

- Hooker?

- That's what it's called little girl.

That's what you almost became tonight.

Come on, cut the crap.

Where did you run away from?

It's Christmas Eve,

do you really wanna spend it with the cops?

(office noise)

- Hi.

- Hi.

- Everything looks great, I didn't know police

did stuff like this.

- Yeah, well there's plenty so help yourself.

- Thanks. You're not from here.

Back east it sounds like.

- Yeah, Jersey, Bayonne.

- I'm from the Midwest, Iowa,

although I was in New Jersey for a Giants game.

- Well, they're there.

Excuse me, I got something to take care of,

enjoy yourself.

- Your lady wrestler, yeah, we're holding her.

That's right, you come up with the bail

you can drive her off the lot tonight.

- Fine. Ay, get outta there.

- What are you getting so excited about?

It's not yours anymore.

This, everything up here is yours,

Once it goes in here, it's mine.

Besides, it's Christmas, and I'm a guest

at your open house pork chops.

- You guys think the whole world owes you somethin.

You sit around waiting for our clothes to get old.

You always trying to catch us when we got

to much spare pocket change.

- I would have gone for the folded stuff,

but my accountant said it would put me in a higher bracket.

You cops, you always judge a book by its cover.

You could be looking at a man who may have been

a professor of molecular biology at Stanford.

Possibly one of the foremost authorities

on recombinant DNA in the world.

A man who had everything until one day

a traffic accident extinguished the Iifes

of his cherished wife and only son.

- I'm sorry, all that happened to you?

- Hell no, but it could of.

(office noise)

_ Hey let's party.

- Hey babe, I'll have a round of strip searchers

for my friend.

- Or, how about a choke hold to go.

- Hooperman, a little help.

- I'll be right back, hey guys, guys

I think the officers over there

would rather have you spend some time with them.

Come on, come on boys and girls, a, if you're real good,

we'll let you stick your fingers in some ink,

then finish with bobbing for bail bondsmen, okay?

Come on.

- Your promotefs coming down with the bail.

Come on, we gotta fill out some forms.

- That bloodsucker can come down with lung cancer

for all I care.

You know this whole thing was self defense.

That chump in the bar was coming on.

The man wanted to lay hands on me.

What would you do?

- It's not up to me, VWma.

- Aw, you're a pretty tough little monkey Bobo.

Bobo, I like that.

Say, where'd you learn how to wrestle.

- Here and there I was high school state champion once.

- Well your really good, and you're a gentleman too.

I don't run into to many gentleman in my line of work.

Most of the guys got lQ's like hanging meat.

Believe me this ain't the glamorous lifestyle

most people think it is.

Besides all the flea bag hotels and the lousy arenas,

it's being all alone on Christmas.

- It ain't easy for a woman to have it all,

a career and a relationship.

- Bobo, I'm a gal that likes to get right

to the center of the ring and face off.

Now that I'm getting bailed out,

You wanna get together and do somethin

when your shiffs over?

- Like what did you have in mind?

- Maybe we could go to midnight mass.

- All units, 801 code 3, jumper spotted

on ledge of First Security Building, Mission District.

Proceed with caution, man is extremely overweight,

300 pounds plus, watch out for falling ledge.

- I'll be right back.

- Happy holidays

Try taking some deep breaths, that usually helps.

Let me try to get someone to help you.

- Hooperman. - My husband,

left me.

- Oh, let's go to my office, it's right over here.

(office noise)

- You know they're setting up some cots downstairs

you could spend the, are you all right?

Sir, sir.

- Susie, five more minutes.

I just wanna say, actually, I wanna apologize

for being so rude to you earlier.

I lost my Christmas spirit there for a minute.

After all, each of us has a story,

I don't know yours.

I don't know how you got this way,

I have no right to judge you.

Maybe some inner power brought you to us,

some unconscious desire to turn your life around.

Anyway, I really, I just came over here

to wish you a very Merry Christmas.

Ooh, your hands are so cold.

Well, cold hands warm heart, ay.

- Bushkin, I can see you two guys are hitting it off

but I think you ought know something

about him that might put a damper on your relationship.

The man is dead.

_ my ' Y Q d 90d, o 'ugh 0h my

- Bushkin, Bushkin, pull yourself together.

Call the paramedics, I got a restless

reindeer to take care of.

- I don't know if this'll help, but it'll warm you up.

- Thank you, I know it seems silly,

but I just can't seem to, I just can't (crying).

- Believe me, I know how you feel.

- Calls me from his Christmas office Party

and says he's running away with her.

- The bastard.

- I was right in the middle of decorating the tree.

- You know, I know exactly what you're going through.

See, my husband and I we just split up.

This is my first Christmas alone.

- This is my ninth Christmas alone.

- You know, it gets better.

Nine years?

He left you nine years ago?

Oh my god, you're the ghost of Christmas future.

- Okay, ah, Mr. Miller, you're reporting a crime?

- Actually, I'm confessing to a crime.

Why is that funny?

- It's just a very popular thing to do on Christmas Eve.

- I'm not a kook, I'm an accountant.

Are you gonna take my statement or not?

- Fire away.

- Eight years ago, I was in a fight with a man in Seattle.

Fist fight. We were both drunk.

I killed him.

- Now just hang, hang on a second, have a seat over here.

You know, you're bopping all over the place.

First of all, you're confessing to a murder

and now you're telling me you're not even sure

the guy's dead.

- I ran, I was pretty sure he was dead,

but I wasn't gonna stick around to find out.

- Uh huh.

- I had this brick in my hand, and I kept hitting him.

I couldn't believe what I was doing,

it's like I was outside myself watching.

All I could think about was how he swindled me.

He took it all.

Everything I have, I just kept hitting.

I know I killed him.

- Obviously you never checked.

You never read a newspaper, you never called anybody?

- I left Seattle that night, wound up in San Francisco.

Changed my name, started a new life, I even got married.

- Seattle police are pretty damn good.

I don't think you'd be sitting here in a deer suit tonight

if they were after you.

Maybe the guy had a harder head then you imagined.

Somebody might have gotten to him, taken him to a hospital.

Right now he might be out there spending your money

care free with just an occasional ringing in his ears.

- You don't understand, I have to settle this.

I have children, I have beautiful children,

and I can't face them anymore.

VWI you help me?

- I'm gonna make some calls,

you know, I've got a good feeling about this.

It's gonna be okay.

- You really think so?

- This is definitely the night for things to turn out okay.

In the meantime, you're not guilty of anything,

we've got plenty of refreshments out there,

so whip on your antlers and mingle.

(slow music)

- Hey, what the hell is this?

- That's not the guy.

- The one you want is under the blanket,

take that guy back to booking.

Uh, no, you gotta run this guy for me tonight.

It's kind of an emergency.

I know it's impossible but

if anyone can pull it off you can.

Great, thanks, you're in my will.

(office noise)

- Hey, you know something, I never thought

I'd spend this night in a police station.

- Well, why are you?

- Hey, it's a place to go,

at least there are other people around.

Hey, is this your family?

- Yeah, that's my mom, my dad, he's a cop.

My a two sisters and my twin brother Bobby.

Don't you have any family here?

Friends?

- No, I just moved here a couple weeks ago.

I guess I'm homesick.

- Well listen, it's after nine o'clock,

rates are cheaper, why don't you give em a call?

- No, I can't, they're pretty upset with my lifestyle

- You're gay, aren't you?

- Yeah,

I thought they'd understand,

but my mom just cried and my dad threw me out of the house.

I haven't spoken with them in years.

- Hey, you never know, they might be missing you

as much as you're missing them.

Attitudes change, you've gotta remember that

it's quite a shock to hear that your son's gay.

I mean, most parents don't handle it to well at first.

Give em a call.

- I don't know if I can.

- You don't wanna spend another Christmas Eve

like this, do you?

There's a phone in the hall.

(office noise)

- Apparently you aren't familiar with the tradition

of Christmas, most kids at home waiting

for Santa Claus to come down the chimney.

- Santa ain't comin to my house.

- Well, don't be so sure, let me check.

What's your name? - Wendell.

- Yep, got a Wendell right here.

- You ain't no Santa Claus, Santa's a white man.

- You know you're pretty young

to be having such old fashion ideas.

Santa Claus doesn't have any color.

It's like god of love.

Santa Claus isn't even a person, it's a job.

Now this toy you just copped, is it for you?

- It's for my little brother.

- They're you go, you're now officially Santa Claus.

You're also officially under arrest, 211A, toy rustling.

- You gonna lock up a kid on Christmas?

What a jerk.

- Tell you what, maybe you can slide out of this

by performing community service,

like wrapping some toys.

- I wanna lawyer, where you keep the lawyers?

- Suit yourself, let's go to the lockup.

- All right, all right, where's the wrapping paper?

- Here and you can start with your brothers' gift.

- I can go back but my parents still aren't

gonna understand me.

- Big deal, my parents still don't understand me.

My grandparents don't understand my parents.

The important thing is they care,

they sent your picture to every precinct

in the country.

I told em you'd be home in time to open presents.

- I don't have any money for a ticket.

- It's all taken care of,

We sort of took up a collection.

- I'll bet I'm back in a week.

- Yeah, maybe you will be back in a week,

but at least you'll have seven days to think about it.

I was given the same break once and it saved my life.

This is Officer Kirkland, she's gonna take you to the bus.

_ Hey,

thanks.

- Hey, send back the clothes.

- Yeah, no that sounds fine, um hum,

yeah, that sounds terrific.

Can I call you right back on it, thanks.

You don't look to happy, did you make the call.

- Yeah, it turned out to be a mistake.

My dad, wouldn't even come to the phone

and um, my mom,

first time I ever heard her use the word faggot.

- I'm sorry, it seemed like a good idea.

- It's easy for you to say, you're not gay.

- Well, maybe next year.

Have a good holiday.

- You too. Take care, huh.

- All units, 217, possible 187

at Lou's Noodlerama Restaurant.

Shots fired, possibly from an automatic.

Unconfirmed reports three dead,

twelve patrons seriously injured,

paramedics in route.

- I'll be glad when this night is over.

- I hear that.

- It gets worse every year.

- You know, I used to hate Christmas,

but then I found the secret.

I mean, If you can do somethin for the children,

I mean, just help one kid, ay, that's what it's all about.

Wait, where's my wallet, where in the hell's

that kid, my wallet.

- I think they left together.

- Hey Bobo, I'm free. We still on?

- Yeah, why not. - All right.

- You're all gonna talk about me now, aren't ya?

Well, Merry Christmas anyway.

- Ho, ho ho.

(laughter)

- Hey Bubba Claus, you ought to keep a tighter eye

on your wallet.

Oh, by the way, I took five dollars as a finders fee.

Have a chillin Christmas.

- Here's your telex, Merry Christmas.

- Great.

- Anything? - Yeah.

Better call your family,

it's a warrant, I'm sorry.

You have the right to remain silent.

If you give up the right to remain silent

anything you say can and will be used against

you in a court of law.

You have the right to speak with an attorney

and have the attorney present during questioning.

(slow music)

(doorbell ring)

- Holy cow, you look gorgeous.

You just get home from a date?

- No, no I've been home all night.

- Dressed like that, what for?

- I've been waiting, for you.

Come in.

Merry Christmas Hooperman.

- You too, Smith.

- How, how was your day?

- Oh just crummy, I had a reindeer who turned out

to be a fugitive murderer.

We had a Wino die on us, runaways, suicides,

you name it, Christmas is not a happy time

for a lot of people.

(puppy whimpering)

- And how was your day Smith?

- Sorry, how was your day Smith?

- Great, my day was really great.

I sold Johnny Big.

- Really? - Really.

To Brittingham Publishing, the editor said there

she loves it, they want a Spring publication

and they want to give me an advance

for a sequel.

- Susan, that is

fantastic.

- You know what this means? - What?

- It means, I did it.

I succeeded on my own, with my own identity in tact.

I am someone Harry,

I am Susan Smith, author.

- I'm happy for you Susan.

- You know what else it means?

- This is gonna be good, isn't it?

- It means, I don't have to be afraid

of losing my identity to the man I love.

I have a Christmas present for you Harry.

- What, What is it?

- Every time we've gotten this far,

I've ended up out in the hall.

Is that gonna happen tonight?

- No Harry.

(slow music)

(closing music)

(closing music)

(Twentieth Century Fox music)