Original subtitles

(birds squaking)

- [Mr. Dirkson] You're not wild

about this assignment are you?

- I'm a policeman, Mr. Dirskon, I'm not a tour guide

or a babysitter, I don't care if she is a princess.

- But the strategic position of the Sheik's country

is critical to the balance of power in the region.

- [Harry] I hear what you're saying.

- Good afternoon, Mr. Dirkson.

- Hi, your highness.

Your Highness, may I present

Inspector Harry Hooperman, SFPD.

His Highness Sheik Icahn Bahasha.

- Your Highness.

- My pleasure, Inspector Hooperman.

- You have a beautiful home here, sir.

- Oh, it is not mine, it belongs to my cousin.

Forgive me for a moment.

I have something very important I want to check on.

Mr. Dirkson, there's a delicious buffet on the terrace.

- I'm all right, thank you, Your Highness, thank you.

- You really should try it.

- Why don't I try it?

- Come, sit down, Harry.

Lovely game here your football.

I have 100 riding on this game.

- This might be a little tacky,

but is that $100, or $100,000?

- Only a fool bets $100,000 on a football game.

- You're right, Robin Leech

has us totally brainwashed over here.

- Allow me to warn you.

My daughter is a wild one, like a Ferrari.

Only she did not come with brakes.

But oddly enough, out of all my children,

she has the best potential, the best raw material

to make contribution to society.

That is why I want her to go to college here.

A smaller one, not so trendy.

One that will scrape the jet set veneer off her.

- Well thank you for your input, I'll do the best I can.

- My daughter is willful and quite devious.

At this very moment she is spying on us

from the next room.

Kiana, come meet Inspector Hooperman.

(background TV chatter)

- Your Highness.

- He looks like a bus driver.

(upbeat orchestral music)

- I think you're gonna like this college

better than the last one.

- Why?

- I don't know, I guess I'm just making conversation.

- Let us face it, Mr. Hooperman, this has been a boring day

and it's going to continue to be a boring day.

- I thought the precision drill team at Golden Gate Park

was kind of precise.

- You don't get out much, do you?

- I guess not, Your Highness.

- Let me see your gun.

- No, no, I don't think so.

I will bet it is not as pretty as mine.

- That looks real.

- It is.

I bought it in Beverly Hills from some famous designer.

- But it's not loaded.

- Of course it is.

Is not yours?

- No, give it to me.

- I will not.

This cost $10,000.

- Give me the gun.

Now.

- I will give you the bullets.

- I don't believe this, a girl has a gun.

A gun that costs more than my car.

- You are such a tight shirt.

I will bet you are married.

- No I'm not.

Don't do that.

- Girlfriend?

- Nah, ah.

- So, you just sleep around then.

- Your Highness, stash the designer piece

and fasten your seat belt.

- [Police Radio] All units be on the lookout

for horseback assailant with jousting pole.

Suspect is a male cauc.

Equine accomplice is a Palomino.

- Silardi, Demott.

- In your office.

- People that run this kind of racket

will sell the children to anyone who has the cash.

- Where do the babies come from?

- You really don't know?

- They usually get them in Mexico or Central America.

Sometimes they buy them and sometimes they steal them.

Here's where you come in.

I want you to pose as a married couple desperate for a baby.

- Me and Silardi? - Me and Demott?

- We'll put you up in an apartment

where you'll make the transaction.

The DA's office will brief you on how to avoid entrapment.

- Are we going to have to live in this apartment?

- That's the idea.

- For how long?

- A week, a month, however long it takes.

The fact that neither of you have a spouse

that might object to the arrangement

is the only reason why I picked you.

- Could any other reason have anything to do

with the fact that I'm gay?

- [Captain] That was never a consideration.

- And with all due respect, Captain, that's bull.

I mean if someone says that it isn't proper

to have two officers playing house together,

you can say that's why you picked me.

And cover your, yourself.

- You know, Silardi, even the best of us

sometimes has a singular moment when they say

something so incredibly stupid that it haunts them.

And fills their sleepless nights with regret

and embarrassment, I'm just honored that you picked me

to be a part of your moment.

Now, let's get this into motion, shall we?

(background chatter)

(knocking on door)

- Coming.

Hi.

- Hi.

- You are a little early, a lot overdressed.

- Look, I've been trying to figure out a way

to tell you this without you killing me,

which you have every right to once you hear this.

- You're bailing out on me.

- I wouldn't say it like that.

- Are you having dinner here or not?

- Not technically, but it was my intention

to have dinner here and that's still my intention,

but I got this assignment and I can't, so technically--

- Fine.

- What do you mean fine?

- I mean, fine.

- You went through a lot of trouble here,

how can this be fine?

- This is just a fluke, I'm having trouble

with Johnny Big, Chapter 13.

You see, it's avoidance behavior.

- Look, my Captain volunteered me to the State Department,

some important Sheik's in town, I gotta babysit his kid.

So now I've gotta take this brat

to some lame string quartet concert.

- How old is this kid?

- She's 19.

" She?

- Yeah, am I eligible for a rain check?

You're upset, aren't you?

- I'm a grownup, I don't get upset over things like this.

- Yes you are, look what you're doing.

- I am chopping celery.

- You're not chopping it, you're executing it.

- Look, Hooperman, you're off the hook.

That's what you wanted to hear.

Now you've heard it.

- Okay then, I'll just let myself out.

- Goodnight, Hooperman.

- [Smith] 19.

- So, my friend goes into the hospital

thinking it's going to be over in a second.

First, they make him swallow this barium stuff,

which turns into a brick at body temperature.

Then, they invade his internals with the Alaska pipeline.

You know what happens next?

- Yeah, I think I've got the picture.

- You ought to, it could happen to you.

- They're on.

- [Maureen] Of course, when Joey's mother changed her mind,

they decided to keep her baby, we were devastated.

- We hired a lawyer, but he told us,

by the time we got a court date, baby Joey would be

a pimply faced juvenile delinquent.

- That's terrible.

When someone gives their word.

- I don't want Maureen to have to go

through an experience like that again.

- Mr. Nelson, I understand completely.

And I think I can help you.

- You can?

Darling.

- It just so happens that my poor cousin Maria

was recently blessed with child.

And mixed blessing indeed, because is a baby

that she cannot afford to keep.

And the baby's father, well, what can I say.

- What can you say about the baby's father?

- An American medical student.

Oh, ah.

This is his photograph.

- Handsome man.

- And quite brilliant.

They say that intelligence is hereditary.

- He looks a little like Tom Selleck.

- He looks exactly like Tom Selleck.

- Ah, yes, yes, people often say that.

So what?

The only thing I know is that

he deserted my poor cousin, Maria,

who's also quite beautiful and intelligent.

And now Maria has to beg in the streets

to pay for the operation on her poor, poor, madre,

before she goes blind

and possibly, deaf.

- How much is this operation going to cost?

- About $15,000.

- $15,000 is out of the question.

- Maybe she can get it for 10.

Cash, of course.

- Rick, $10,000 isn't really that much

if we know the baby will be ours.

- Mr. Gonzalez, your cousin's baby,

is it a boy or a girl?

- Which do you prefer?

(classical orchestral music)

- Your Highness, Your Highness, what is the matter?

You can't just get up and walk out like that.

These guys are playing just for you.

- Do not be so naive, I figured this out

at my first boarding school when I was six.

This college is not enrolling me,

they're enrolling my father's checkbook.

They probably need a new gym, a library,

a chemistry lab, whatever.

- That's pretty cynical.

- But you did not say it was untrue.

Besides, is this not the dullest evening

you have ever had?

- It's in the top five.

- Hooperman, I am in the mood for an adventure.

\/\/ant some action.

- Like a disco?

- Oh, please, I'm discoed to death.

I have an idea.

This will be wonderful fun.

I want to see the dark side of San Francisco.

The under belly, those funky, smokey bars.

I know they're out there.

Does that not sound absolutely wicked and sexy?

- Only if you're a sailor.

I know it's a drag, but I think we'd better get back

in there because you are the guest of honor

and I need the overtime.

- You're right, you're an impossible bore.

But you're right.

If you can amuse yourself for a minute,

I'm going to fix my makeup.

Unless you think that is too dangerous.

- Ah, Your High (clears throat).

(classical orchestral music)

- Her makeup's perfect.

- Pardon me, young man.

- I'll be quick.

Princess.

Oh, be here.

Please be here.

This is Hooperman, you better put out

a description of the princess, I've lost her.

- [Radio] Lost her?

Why is she gone?

- How the hell do I know why she's gone, she's gone.

I lost her.

(classical orchestral music)

- It's gonna take me a while to get over this.

Like I said we're in her apartment,

we're into deep serious business area of her apartment.

I'm talking satin sheets, mirrors, videos.

Then my beeper goes off and it's you.

So do not be looking for me to all of a sudden get perky.

- I'm sorry, we need the bodies.

This little brat could be anywhere, she's got money,

she's got credit cards, she probably called a limo.

- What's your best guess?

- I don't know, she said she was looking for action.

Danger, she'd find it there.

And here.

Here too, there's plenty of it there.

- What about up here?

- You know, I never realized how dangerous this city is.

- Hooperman.

- This is not gonna be pretty.

- Do you know why I volunteered you

for this assignment, Inspector?

- No, ma'am.

- Neither do I.

I had to brief the sate department about what happened.

I'm sure that they've already called the FBI,

who'll do some butt covering and then call the Shiek.

- He'll probably call big Ron.

- Big Ron?

- The President.

- Oh my God, he probably will.

Find the girl, Hooperman,

I'd like to get back home before midnight.

- Clarence, let's coordinate the rest of this in the car.

- Hold on, Hooperman, line two.

- Hooperman.

Kiana, slow down.

What kind of trouble?

Okay, alright, listen.

Just get a hold of yourself, tell me where you are.

Where are you?

Aha, alright, just hang on, we'll be right there.

That was the princess.

- Where is she?

- Let's go.

(rock band music)

Look at this, adventures in paradise.

Look, we don't want to start an incident,

you guys wait back here.

- This could get ugly real fast.

(rock band music)

- I think I'm at the wrong prom.

(rock band music)

- V\/hat's happening, sweet meat?

- Nice to see a friendly face.

(rock band music)

- Have you seen this girl?

- No.

- Listen man, you might want to untie

that torniquete around your head,

let the blood get to the brain.

'Cause if you're gonna cop that kind of attitude,

I sincerely hope you're not carrying a concealed weapon

or any controlled substances.

- Why don't you pigs just take off.

(slamming)

(suspenseful orchestral music)

- Alright everybody, back off.

Back off now.

How are you doing, MacNeil?

- [Man] Officer down.

- I've been better.

- Officer, take care of this man.

One more time, where's the girl.

- She's in the head.

You better knock first, she's got a gun.

(knocking on door)

- [Kiana] Go away or I will shoot you.

- Kiana it's me, Hooperman.

- I am so glad--

- Looks like you found your adventure.

Come here.

Now look at him, look at him.

Look at him, that is my partner, he just got knifed tonight

trying to get you out of here.

That isn't sexy, that isn't wonderful fun.

You know what you are?

You are an irresponsible, rich bitch.

You know the trouble you caused here tonight?

Someone could've been killed.

You could've been killed.

More importantly, I could've been killed.

And if you're so bored you need this kind of thing

to get off, then I feel sorry for you.

'Cause you have nothing to look forward to.

(background laughing)

(deep sigh)

- I guess you told her.

- [Man] What's the ETA on that ambulance?

- Rick we've got our little boy.

You're a handsome little boy aren't you?

Yes, you are.

- $10,000.

- Thank you very much.

It's been a real pleasure doing business with you.

- Good afternoon, Mr. Gonzalez.

- If you have any friends who need help,

please let me know.

We offer a generous commission for referrals, okay?

- San Francisco police, we're placing you under arrest.

- Police?

- That's right.

- The missus too?

- Mmh, hmm.

- You can't trust anybody.

- [Policeman] Come on let's go.

- [Mr. Gonzalez] I want to talk to my lawyer now.

- Isn't he cute, he has your eyes.

- I get off Demott, we're through playing house.

(baby cooing)

- Don't they smell wonderful?

You know, if people smelled this sweet all their lives

there'd be no war.

I better get back to my console.

Yes, bye, bye, sweetheart.

(baby cooing)

J1 Hush little baby, don't say a word

J1 Papa's gonna buy you a mocking bird

J1 And if that mocking bird don't sing

J1 Papa's gonna buy you a diamond

- Child welfare people are on their way.

What's the matte r'?

- Nothing.

- Hey come on, this little guy will be okay.

He'll probably get adopted by a couple just like us.

Maybe not just like us.

- Rick, I'm sorry if I made you uncomfortable in this thing.

I guess I did go overboard on the Ozzie and Harriet bit.

- It's okay, I know you're only kidding around.

- I was at first, but then when he put this baby

in my arms, I figured out why I got so carried away

with the fantasy.

This is probably as close as I'm gonna get

to being a wife and mother.

- Why is it all of a sudden a fantasy?

- Look at me, Silardi.

I'm a cop.

I wear stupid blue pants.

I carry a night stick.

I walk around in Sears and Roebuck shoes.

What are my chances on the open market?

Even if I did connect with someone,

do you know what the mortality rate is for cop marriages?

I want one of these Silardi.

You wouldn't understand.

- I do understand.

At least you have a chance.

See, I'm never gonna have a baby.

I know that.

And I love kids just as much as you do.

- I'm sure you could work out

one of those hip 80s alternative parenting arrangements.

I can't, I'm old fashioned.

Husband, wife, 3.7 kids, station wagon.

I can't have it any other way.

- Neither can I.

I grew up in a home with a father and mother

who really loved each other.

And I know there's other alternatives,

but as far as I'm concerned, that's still the best way

for a kid to grow up.

And I know that

I'll never be able to provide that.

Look you can go, I'll wait for the child welfare people.

- That's okay.

I'll wait with you.

- This is much better than doing the big can you top

this production number every week.

- Yes, and the whole point of it is

to talk about the problems in the building.

Got the bills, the tenants who have not paid the rent.

Bids from the roofers, which are outrageous by the way.

- Can we discuss those subjects after we've had some wine.

Maybe not some wine, maybe a lot of wine.

(buzzing)

- I'll get it.

Glasses.

- Excuse me, in which apartment would I find

a Mr. Hooperman, police inspector?

- Ah, right here.

- Your Highness, what an unexpected surprise.

- I had to see you, Harry.

- Susan, I'd like to introduce Your Royal Highness,

the Princess Danasan, Kihana Bahasha.

Your Highness, I'd like you to meet, Susan Smith.

- Your Highness.

- Harry, I need to speak with you.

- Oh, sure, be right back.

- This is something I never thought I would ever have to do.

So if I am not good at it, well, anyway.

I'm sorry for how I behaved and I beg your forgiveness.

There, it is done.

- That's it, you came by to say you're sorry?

- This was the first time in my entire life

I have ever had to say that.

There is one other thing.

I want to take you for my husband.

- You want to take me for your --

- Do not say anything, yet.

My father already likes you.

You must know how I feel.

There are many reasons why you should say yes.

- Well, I can think of a couple right away.

You're beautiful and you're worth a billion dollars,

but there are also some reasons why I should say no.

For one thing, we're from different cultures,

we'd probably have to live in your country.

I couldn't do that, I like San Francisco.

And you're only 19, that's not necessarily a negative.

- In my country, it is considered

the perfect difference in age.

- Yeah, well, it just wouldn't work.

See, the truth is, I'm in love with someone else.

- I see.

And is this someone else also in love with you?

- Well, I don't know, I don't think she is yet.

- Never the less, you intend to pursue the chance

that she will change her mind.

- Yeah, I'm gonna wait.

I'm gonna give her all the time she needs

because she's worth it.

- Well, another new experience for me.

You're the first person who has ever told me no.

- I bet you a billion dollars that I will also be the last.

- Salaam.

- Goodbye.

(solemn orchestral music)

She's kind of a cute kid, isn't she?

What's the matter, you crying?

- These damn onions.

- Those are carrots.

- What's the difference?

(solemn orchestral music)

(upbeat band music)

(crunch)