Original subtitles

(dog whining)

- Come on.

(dog yipping)

Come on, come on!

Two minutes of hot, that's all I need, come on.

(dog whining)

Don't look at me like that.

You bark at television sets and toaster ovens,

I talk to sinks, okay?

Everybody's got their little quirks.

(sink squeaking)

Damn! (sighing)

(knocking)

(metal clanging)

- Good morning.

- Maybe for people with beards.

We're never gonna have hot water, are we?

- The boiler is dead.

- Maybe not.

- Mr. Corcoran? - Yo?

- This is Mr. Corcoran.

Mr. Corcoran is a professional plumber.

Mr. Hooperman is Lord of this manor house.

- Hi. - How do you do?

- Don't let the clothes fool you, I am not a rich man.

- (sighing) A faith healer couldn't bring

that old tin can back to life.

Though this little girl did a good job of trying.

- [Harry] Yeah, what's the bottom line?

- [Mr. Corcoran] $4,000.

- Well maybe I could get used to boiling water.

Doctors do it, don't they?

I could get up a little earlier.

- Well, if you decide to go for the deal

we can always do something about installation.

I'm a reasonable man.

My card.

By the way, it's none of my business,

but if the fire department comes around here,

you're gonna be in a lot of trouble.

These cartons and stuff, there a real fire hazard.

Friendly word. - Oh, thank you.

- That $4,000 figure, could that get friendlier?

- That was friendly.

- $4,000 big ones.

I mean, do we really need hot water?

Does a zebra or a rhino bathe in hot water?

Civilization's made us soft.

- What do you want me to do with these boxes?

- They belong to Estelle.

- Well I guess they're yours now.

- I, I couldn't go through them.

It'd be like invading her privacy.

- These are kind of interesting.

But they look familiar, don't they?

- Excuse me, you know you've got a Wino

wandering around up here?

(footsteps pounding)

- Oh, hi, Clarence, I'm running a little late.

We had a problem.

This is Susan Smith, Clarence McNeil.

- We work together.

(upbeat music with saxophone)

UaZZy music)

(cans clatte ring)

- Look, Mister, Mr. Yutori?

Mr. Yutori, I know that you're nervous and frightened,

but you have to pretend that everything's normal

and that we are not here.

- He's robbed me twice.

- Yes, we know, but you see,

the idea is for you to act natural.

Now look, I know it's tough for you, for me, for everyone.

But you gotta try to relax.

- You can relax, it's not your store.

- True, okay, look,

let's just go over the signal once again.

I know you know it, but it's good to make sure.

As soon as you recognize the guy, you say,

give me a break.

- He's changing signals.

All morning long I practice,

"How can I help you, how can I help you."

Now he says, "Give me a break."

- No, no, no, no, sorry, the signal's still the same.

No, I was just saying give me the break

because there was this huge...

Never mind, you're doing fine.

I'm doing fine.

McNeil, how you doing?

- Cool it, somebody's coming.

(footsteps approaching)

(thudding)

(footsteps approaching)

- How can I, uh, how can I... - What?

- He's the one!

Shoot him, shoot him, shoot him!

- Freeze, police!

- [Clarence] Get him, get him!

(crashing)

(sighing)

- I am telling you, I'm not a criminal, I'm a stockbroker.

I lost the key to the cuffs.

I went to the hardware store to have them cut off,

and the man calls you people.

What kind of a city is this?

- He recognized them as department issued cuffs.

- We've been through this.

My group is a stickler for authenticity.

- Your group? - Yes.

- We get together from time to time for get-togethers.

- This is your party outfit?

- Since when is it a crime to be a consenting adult.

Now look, I have to catch a plane.

I've got to get back to Los Angeles.

It's my wife's birthday tonight.

- Look, like I said, those are police cuffs.

Now we're going to have to check with other precincts

to make sure that they haven't reported

any missing suspects.

- This might take a while.

Would you like to make a call?

- Who the hell am I going to call?

My Wife?

- I heard what happened, you choked, huh?

- Now now, Pritzger.

- I don't get it, you had a clear shot at the guy.

- I wasn't sure.

- We sent out a crack team, huh?

One trips over his own feet,

the other gets an attack of arthritis in his trigger finger.

- Life is not a John Wayne movie, Pritzger.

- Maybe it should be.

We got a scum stick walking loose out there

'cause a cop froze.

- Lay off.

- I'm only saying what everyone is thinking.

- It's okay.

Tell you what, Pritzger, next time I'll radio my coordinates

to the Air Force and we'll nuke the neighborhood.

That way we'll be sure to get the guy.

- Go ahead, laugh it off.

But cops like you are the reason

they aren't afraid of us anymore.

They'll pull the trigger 'cause they know we won't.

- They'll pull it 'cause we won't?

Sounds like a bumper sticker to me.

- I tell ya, if it'd been me on top of that freezer,

there would be one less urban terrorist walkin' around.

- Well you weren't there, I was.

He called it the way he had to, all right?

- Let's drop it, can we?

And move on.

- We were just listening to the gospel

according to the Terminator.

- You know why no Russians get nabbed by terrorists?

Because the first and only time it happened,

the Ruskie's sent the head terrorist

his own brother one piece at a time.

You know what they sent first?

- Spare us, Inspector.

Listen, these mom and pop robberies have gotten out of hand,

so everybody's pulling stakeout duties

starting tomorrow's shift.

(all groaning)

- It's fine with me,

as long as I don't have to be teamed up with him.

- Gee, Bobo, just when I thought we were getting so close.

- I'll team up with him anytime.

(hands smacking)

- Good, and between shifts,

you both can go to your ACLU meeting.

- Stop it, all of you, now!

This is a police precinct, not a kindergarten.

Let's do our job,

and keep our personal opinions to ourselves.

(bright instrumental music)

- Honey, I'm home.

(knocking)

(door opening)

- What did you say?

- I was talking to the dog.

Hey, Bijoux, what's shakin'?

Besides your rear-end.

- What did you decide about the boiler?

- Shh, not so loud.

I don't want them to think there's a choice.

- There is a choice.

Do you remember those prints

in Estelle's carton this morning?

- Uh-Huh. - Here.

- $3,800?

- I took them to an art dealer.

She took one look at them, sat down, and wrote a check.

You're not mad, are you? - No.

Then what's the matter?

- I don't know.

Good luck always freaks me out.

Today you come into some money,

tomorrow you get hit by a Buick, you know?

It's like a yin and yang thing.

- It isn't going to you, Hooperman.

It's going to buy us all a boiler.

Look, I know the plumber said $4,000,

but I bet he'll go $3,800.

- Well, what am I worried about then?

It's fantastic!

This calls for a celebration.

Let's celebrate.

- A celebration isn't a backdoor date is it?

- No way, no, a date is going out,

me putting on a tie, you putting on a dress.

No, we'll just have dinner in my apartment.

I'll wear my ratty old clothes,

and you can come in one of your usual outfits,

which are great looking in an understated way.

Here, you entertain the mutt, I'll go get cleaned up,

and then I'll go to the store, okay?

- Okay-

- I won't even get fancy, I'll make uh,

I don't know, Noodles Hooperman.

You'll love it.

I love it, so even if you don't, I can eat yours.

You can bring the wine.

- Wine is a date.

- Okay, you may bring a quart

of the domestic beer of your choice.

A quick shower and I'll run to the store.

(cash register ringing)

(ominous music)

(carts crashing)

Police, don't move!

Drop it, drop it!

Do it, do it now.

(ominous music)

- He's got roots in the community,

a parent that cares, and no priors.

So all it would take is a good drug rehab program,

and his mother assures me he's not going anywhere.

- Nevertheless, we are talking about

an attempted armed robbery.

Do you have anything else on this?

- No.

- Mr. Getz?

- Nothing, Your Honor.

- Well it appears, to the satisfaction of the court,

that a crime of felony, to whit an attempted robbery,

664/211, has been committed,

and there is probable cause to believe that

Avander Hall is guilty thereof.

He'll be held to answer to the same,

and is ordered to appear for arraignment

in Department 10 of the Superior Court within 30 days.

Bail shall be set at $2,500.

This court is in recess 'til 2:00.

(gavel banging)

- Congratulations, you got (drowned out by murmuring).

- This really sucks.

He's back on the street,

I haven't even finished the paperwork.

- Garbage in, garbage out.

From what I hear, you had a chance to save the city

a lot of money in the past.

Should have blown him away.

- I don't believe you said that.

- I don't either.

- Any unit, vicinity 2000 block Union Street,

an 8-11X, white female, blonde.

Approximately 19 years old, reported drunk and buck naked.

Listen to this:

- Baker six responding. - Unit two Adam 22 responding.

- [Policeman] Unit six, Denver 18 responding.

- [Policeman] Three Denver nine, we're on our way.

- What a bunch of dedicated guys.

- Bushkin, what is this?

- I don't know, I must have hit the wrong switch by mistake.

Sorry.

- Hooperman, Pritzger, in my office.

- All right, I'll get back to you.

(telephone clattering)

V\/hat's up, Captain?

- [Captain Stern] Anyone heard from McNeil?

- He'll be out for another couple of days.

His fever's still around 102.

- [Pritzger] It's a hell of a time to catch the flu.

- Four straight days on top of mom and pop freezers.

- If you ask me, it's the contact

with all those moms and pops.

You know, Asian flu?

- There's been a killing.

I'm doubling the stakeouts on the grocery stores.

With McNeil out, it's you and Inspector Hooperman.

You'll go undercover.

- Captain.

- I know how you feel, Pritzger, and I'm not interested.

- Well if it makes you uncomfortable,

I could wait in the car, I don't mind.

I could finish the book I'm reading,

catch up on some letter writing.

I'll call you on the radio from time to time

so you don't get lonely.

- [Captain Stern] Please, Hooperman.

- I can't help how I feel, Captain.

- All right, let's discuss it.

Let me give you my opinion.

You have no choice, both of you, get on the stick now!

- Wagons-Ho!

(door opening and closing)

- God must want me in a box.

You better not wimp out on me, Hooperman.

In case you forgot,

this is the finger that pulls the trigger.

Make sure it's working.

I don't want to be hung out to dry

by some lavender-Iivered human rights freak.

- Sometimes I think it takes more courage

not to pull the trigger.

- [Pritzger] Thank you, Silardi, it's always refreshing

to hear a woman's point of view.

(crashing)

- Let's go, Pritzger--

- Are you kidding?

I'll break you in half.

- Come on, then, big mouth, right here, right now!

Come on, or is there a chicken living

under this gorilla skin?

(Pritzger growling)

(thudding)

- Cut it out!

Get out of here, Pritzger!

Get out.

- You okay? - Yeah.

- I'm out of here.

- Have fun.

- How can I miss, I'm with Bobo Cop?

- Nice going, macho man.

- Sorry about that.

- I thought it was kind of sexy.

I meant that in the most respectful way.

- You know the difference between you and me?

- Let me think.

Uh, you say tomoto, I say tomato.

- Cops like you worry about stuff like warrants,

and suspects' rights, and how it'll look in yourjacket

if you don't go by the book.

So what happens?

Your perp cops a plea

and he's back on the street in 72 hours.

Now, maybe I don't always bother with a warrant.

Maybe I forget Miranda Rights here and there--

- Is there a point to this, Pritzger?

- The point is that, okay, maybe I get my wrist slapped

once a month by the dragon lady.

Bottom line is, I'm gettin' twice the number

of pukes off the street than you are.

- You just went through a red light, Pritzger,

but thank you for sharing.

- Mrs. Chang?

You might as well relax.

There's no guarantee that anyone's

gonna try and hold you up.

- Who's nervous?

You're nervous, not me.

- Mrs. Chang, you just put a can of tomato sauce

in the Slurpee machine.

- Tomato sauce?

Oh, my, oh.

(doorbell chiming)

- [Mrs Chang] $.25 dear, yes, yes darling.

Goodbye, honey.

(doorbell chiming)

- Pack of cigarettes.

- We got a machine by the door.

- Give me change. - For what?

- For this.

Just empty the register quick or you're dead.

- Okay, buddy, freeze, police!

(gun shots ringing)

(robber groaning) (clerk screaming)

(somber music)

- Then I saw the suspect turn

in the direction of Inspector Hooperman.

His gun was clearly in view.

That's when I fired my weapon once.

- When he made his move,

are you sure he wasn't turning to surrender?

- He wasn't turning to surrender.

- [Interrogator] Would you say it was a close call?

- They're all close calls.

- [Interrogator] A questionable call?

- A judgment call.

The man turned on me with a gun in his hand.

In my judgment, Inspector Pritzger was well within

departmental policy.

- Thank you, Inspector.

(people murmuring)

- Off the record, how'd he do?

- Well, you know, it's not my call.

But in my experience, I'd say he'll be okay.

I don't see any disciplinary.

- Good, what about the media?

- We'll handle them.

- Thank you, let me know.

Good job.

- [Harry] Thanks, Captain.

- Sorry about how it turned out.

- Part of the job.

- I've notified the stress unit.

You can call them for an appointment.

- What for?

I don't need them.

(footsteps receding)

- Nice going, Bobo, did what you had to do.

- Damn straight.

Take it easy, Charlie.

- You okay?

- Are you kidding?

I was born okay.

- Bobo, are you all right?

- Hell yes.

Look, I want to thank you for, you know,

with the homicide team, backing me up.

- No problem.

You called it the way you saw it.

- Bet your ass.

- I'll see you tomorrow, take care.

(crying)

(sobbing)

Hey.

- [Pritzger] God, Harry, I killed a guy.

- Easy, it's okay.

- I panicked, and I killed a guy.

(sobbing)

It took one lousy second,

and my life is never gonna be the same again.

How am I gonna live with that, Harry?

- You just do, Bobo, you just do.

(sobbing)

- I haven't balled like that since my mom died.

Look, as long as I'm acting like a wimp,

I'm sorry about, about what I said this morning.

That goes for both of ya.

- Forget it, Bobo.

- Yeah, forget about it.

Besides, it's good to see you get in touch

with your feminine side.

- It's been along wait, but finally, Noodles Hooperman.

- You know, I told you he'd go for the $3,800,

installed and everything.

- Well you certainly have a way with plumbers,

there's no doubt about it.

- Of course, a couple of tenants are complaining

that the water's too hot.

What do you think?

- Well, I cooked the noodles with the hot water tap.

(laughing) I'm just kidding, it's fine.

You did a wonderful job.

Everybody's happy, especially your art dealer,

Jennifer Williams.

- You talked to her?

- [Harry] Well there's an article in tonight's paper.

- Oh. yeah?

About what?

- About the prints she bought for the $3,800.

- Did they mention my name?

- No, just the $56,000 she got

when she sold Estelle's prints to the Sugarman Galleries.

- Oh, my God.

- Here we go, Noodles Hooperman.

Something wrong?

- $56,000 dollars?

_ Yep-

Come on, let's eat.

- I've lost my appetite.

Look, I don't understand why you are not flipping out.

- I told you, it's the yin and yang deal.

Hot is always balanced by cold.

We've got hot water, she's got cold cash.

- Are we yin or yang?

- Yin, but we're on a waiting list for yang.

- There's something else going on here.

Even you can't be that calm about $56,000.

- Actually, I do have more going for me

than far eastern cosmology.

I've got the penal code.

You see, as an art dealer, Miss VWIiams is obliged

to inform you of the value of those prints,

so she's heavily into the fraud zone.

- (laughing) That sneaky, underhanded cow.

- Tomorrow on my lunch break

I thought I'd bop on over there and arrest her.

Actually, just tell her she's arrestable.

I think we can negotiate for a taste of that $56 K.

By the way, we just jumped into yang.

Shall we?

(bright instrumental music)