Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated:
1
00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:04,162
WWW.MY-SUBS.CO
1
00:00:46,978 --> 00:00:50,006
- Hannah.
- Hannah, I saw you see us.
2
00:00:53,665 --> 00:00:55,331
I just started my run, okay?
3
00:00:55,333 --> 00:00:58,355
That's not true. You were
returning here to your home.
4
00:00:58,357 --> 00:01:01,960
What I do is I run up and
down the block multiple times
5
00:01:01,962 --> 00:01:03,237
till I feel like I'm gonna barf.
6
00:01:03,239 --> 00:01:05,032
I measured it out.
It's basically a mile.
7
00:01:05,034 --> 00:01:06,462
What are you doing here?
8
00:01:06,464 --> 00:01:10,075
Hannah, you haven't returned
any of our phone calls. Not one.
9
00:01:10,077 --> 00:01:12,206
Honey, I called you
23 times the other day.
10
00:01:12,208 --> 00:01:14,588
Yeah, does that not
strike you as a bit psycho?
11
00:01:14,590 --> 00:01:17,453
We just want to spend some
time with you, honey, okay?
12
00:01:17,455 --> 00:01:19,501
As a normal family unit.
13
00:01:19,503 --> 00:01:21,216
Well, I would say "normal family unit"
14
00:01:21,218 --> 00:01:23,347
kind of went out the window
when one of you became gay
15
00:01:23,349 --> 00:01:25,382
and the other started
dressing like Pat Benatar.
16
00:01:26,936 --> 00:01:28,385
Please be open to us, Hannah.
17
00:01:28,387 --> 00:01:31,016
Be open to the time we
want to spend with you.
18
00:01:31,391 --> 00:01:32,723
I have to finish my run.
19
00:01:33,068 --> 00:01:34,272
Bullshit.
20
00:01:34,274 --> 00:01:36,661
No, Mom, you don't know.
I've been running a lot.
21
00:01:36,663 --> 00:01:38,145
I'm not sure if you've
heard of "endor-phins,"
22
00:01:38,147 --> 00:01:39,697
but they've been really helping me.
23
00:01:39,699 --> 00:01:41,365
Helping me to deal with you.
24
00:01:43,452 --> 00:01:44,663
Endorphins.
25
00:01:44,924 --> 00:01:46,277
Comes on the...
26
00:01:47,442 --> 00:01:52,442
Sync & corrections by PetaG
www.MY-SUBS.com
27
00:01:52,995 --> 00:01:55,764
I'm sorry I didn't
come. I was really close.
28
00:01:56,109 --> 00:01:59,169
The good news is I can only
come when I kind of hate someone.
29
00:01:59,171 --> 00:02:01,733
I'm working on that
with my online therapist.
30
00:02:01,887 --> 00:02:03,940
Well, I won't stop trying.
31
00:02:05,448 --> 00:02:09,065
Ray, you have to support
me professionally, okay?
32
00:02:09,067 --> 00:02:12,493
I mean, as much as it might
cause damage to us romantically,
33
00:02:12,610 --> 00:02:15,448
Desi and I are opening for
the Lumineers in Boston.
34
00:02:15,450 --> 00:02:17,317
That's great. That sounds amazing.
35
00:02:17,319 --> 00:02:19,358
I mean, I thought Lumineers
were teeth caps, but
36
00:02:19,360 --> 00:02:21,113
clearly, based on your enthusiasm,
37
00:02:21,115 --> 00:02:23,785
they must nurture some
important significance
38
00:02:23,787 --> 00:02:25,405
in the alternative rock universe.
39
00:02:25,407 --> 00:02:28,461
Except fucking Tandace is
coming on every stop of the tour.
40
00:02:28,463 --> 00:02:31,328
And I'm telling you,
she is deeply crazy.
41
00:02:31,330 --> 00:02:32,908
No one is that calm.
42
00:02:33,025 --> 00:02:35,142
Right, she is calm.
43
00:02:37,706 --> 00:02:39,119
Come with me.
44
00:02:40,542 --> 00:02:42,825
- On tour?
- Yes, totally.
45
00:02:42,827 --> 00:02:45,511
I mean, I will require a
lot of emotional support
46
00:02:45,513 --> 00:02:47,363
and some minor logistical support.
47
00:02:47,365 --> 00:02:49,717
You know, simple stuff, like
making sure I have coconut water
48
00:02:49,718 --> 00:02:51,838
and Smartwater and sort my vitamins
49
00:02:51,840 --> 00:02:54,100
and figure out how much
zinc to take, all that stuff.
50
00:02:54,102 --> 00:02:56,562
But I know you don't
want to be without me.
51
00:02:57,399 --> 00:02:58,609
I know that.
52
00:02:59,190 --> 00:03:01,507
- Um...
- Come on, please?
53
00:03:01,807 --> 00:03:03,941
- Please?
- You're so cute when you beg.
54
00:03:03,943 --> 00:03:05,706
- Please?
- I'm a human.
55
00:03:05,708 --> 00:03:07,234
I'm just a mortal man.
56
00:03:07,236 --> 00:03:09,214
Yeah, I'd love to
come. That sounds great.
57
00:03:09,216 --> 00:03:10,501
- Yeah?
- Yeah, why not?
58
00:03:10,503 --> 00:03:12,829
- What about work?
- What about work? It'll be fine.
59
00:03:12,831 --> 00:03:14,791
Kippy can run the community
board meetings for a little while
60
00:03:14,793 --> 00:03:16,753
and Shosh has the
coffee shop on lockdown.
61
00:03:18,049 --> 00:03:20,297
- Are you still peeing?
- Huh? Yeah.
62
00:03:20,299 --> 00:03:22,749
I mean, I just want to make
sure I get every last drop out.
63
00:03:22,751 --> 00:03:25,176
You are not giving me
a UTI before a tour.
64
00:03:25,619 --> 00:03:27,744
_
65
00:03:27,746 --> 00:03:29,094
_
66
00:03:29,096 --> 00:03:30,461
_
67
00:03:30,463 --> 00:03:31,844
_
68
00:03:31,846 --> 00:03:33,252
_
69
00:03:33,254 --> 00:03:34,454
Amazing work, Megan.
70
00:03:34,456 --> 00:03:36,936
Keep it moving, but also, like,
keep it connected. Just like...
71
00:03:37,558 --> 00:03:40,017
Hermie, Hermie, hi. Just a minute.
72
00:03:40,019 --> 00:03:42,173
Okay, I have some news
that is going to rock
73
00:03:42,175 --> 00:03:43,876
your Mephistos right off your socks.
74
00:03:43,878 --> 00:03:45,855
"The New York Times"
Thursday style section
75
00:03:45,857 --> 00:03:47,626
wants to come here and do
a piece on us next week.
76
00:03:47,628 --> 00:03:48,997
They love the hipster-hate angle.
77
00:03:48,999 --> 00:03:50,242
- They want to do a whole profile on our
- Uh...
78
00:03:50,244 --> 00:03:51,628
transformation, so I
bought a few shirts and I
79
00:03:51,630 --> 00:03:53,288
put them in your office and
I hung them in like descending
80
00:03:53,290 --> 00:03:54,727
- order of preference. Now,
- Shoshanna. Shoshanna.
81
00:03:54,729 --> 00:03:56,416
- the turquoise is my... Yes?
- Shoshanna!
82
00:03:56,418 --> 00:03:58,038
- I know I told you to lean in.
- Yeah.
83
00:03:58,040 --> 00:03:59,609
But you've gone too far.
84
00:03:59,915 --> 00:04:01,667
Now I want you to lean out.
85
00:04:02,170 --> 00:04:03,779
Oh, my God, are you firing me?
86
00:04:03,896 --> 00:04:05,264
No, no.
87
00:04:05,461 --> 00:04:08,254
We've made more money this
week than the past five months.
88
00:04:08,256 --> 00:04:10,297
It's just you're a very intense person.
89
00:04:10,299 --> 00:04:12,757
You've got a powerful
energy and it's too much.
90
00:04:12,759 --> 00:04:14,649
I need you to take it down a notch.
91
00:04:14,651 --> 00:04:16,930
I... oh, no.
92
00:04:16,932 --> 00:04:19,540
Hi, sir. Bye, sir.
93
00:04:19,542 --> 00:04:21,380
Your kind are not welcome here.
94
00:04:21,382 --> 00:04:23,681
Read the sign. Out.
95
00:04:23,790 --> 00:04:27,077
Hermie, Hermie, we cannot
actually turn people away.
96
00:04:27,079 --> 00:04:29,813
That's discrimination. We
just have to, like, you know,
97
00:04:29,815 --> 00:04:31,707
glare at them and make
them super uncomfortable
98
00:04:31,709 --> 00:04:34,087
and bully them until they
leave of their own volition.
99
00:04:34,089 --> 00:04:35,395
Listen to me, muffin.
100
00:04:35,491 --> 00:04:38,444
From now on, anybody who
walks through that door
101
00:04:38,446 --> 00:04:40,076
with a bun on top of their head
102
00:04:40,078 --> 00:04:44,146
or tattoos that were not acquired during
a naval adventure on the South Pacific,
103
00:04:44,148 --> 00:04:47,916
we treat 'em like a hippie
at Disneyland in '68.
104
00:04:47,918 --> 00:04:50,519
This is a haven for normal people...
105
00:04:50,521 --> 00:04:52,556
working men and ladies.
106
00:04:52,558 --> 00:04:55,759
Free refills, everybody. This week only.
107
00:04:56,227 --> 00:04:58,094
We're taking back the night.
108
00:04:58,430 --> 00:05:00,616
You're either with me
or you're against me.
109
00:05:00,618 --> 00:05:02,266
I am so with you, Hermie.
110
00:05:02,267 --> 00:05:05,401
Please save me all of those magical
quotes for "The New York Times."
111
00:05:06,105 --> 00:05:09,693
All right, Sample, let's eat.
112
00:05:10,933 --> 00:05:12,301
Okay, oi.
113
00:05:12,661 --> 00:05:15,464
Spoon is an airplane.
114
00:05:15,747 --> 00:05:18,482
And it's crashing into your face.
115
00:05:18,484 --> 00:05:21,495
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa,
whoa. That's way too much for one bite.
116
00:05:21,703 --> 00:05:24,505
- What do you mean?
- That's too much food. She could choke.
117
00:05:24,507 --> 00:05:25,927
But she's not choking.
118
00:05:25,929 --> 00:05:28,302
She's just spitting it
out like a normal person.
119
00:05:37,443 --> 00:05:39,981
- So, what, now you're just gonna do it?
- Here.
120
00:05:39,983 --> 00:05:41,995
Can I at least get some
fucking credit here?
121
00:05:41,997 --> 00:05:43,820
- Look what I got.
- You told me I sucked with the baby
122
00:05:43,821 --> 00:05:45,803
and now I'm trying to
be better with the baby
123
00:05:45,805 --> 00:05:48,050
and you're still telling
me I'm fucking up the baby.
124
00:05:48,245 --> 00:05:50,816
I watched two YouTube
videos about babies, Adam.
125
00:05:52,614 --> 00:05:54,221
That's a good girl.
126
00:05:54,223 --> 00:05:57,237
If you want someone who's so good
with babies, why don't you call Hannah?
127
00:05:57,239 --> 00:06:00,960
She loves babies. She's always
trying to accidentally French them.
128
00:06:01,106 --> 00:06:03,029
Why the fuck would you
mention Hannah right now?
129
00:06:03,808 --> 00:06:05,743
I'm sorry, I can't mention her?
130
00:06:05,745 --> 00:06:09,549
- Can't even have thoughts about her?
- Um, no, you can think it all you want,
131
00:06:09,551 --> 00:06:11,314
but don't feel the need
to share it with me.
132
00:06:14,370 --> 00:06:15,570
It's okay.
133
00:06:15,572 --> 00:06:17,695
I'm thinking about her right now.
134
00:06:20,440 --> 00:06:23,013
Banana, you don't seem like
you're having fun with us.
135
00:06:23,015 --> 00:06:24,980
I'm not. You guys are depressing.
136
00:06:25,512 --> 00:06:28,529
- No, we're not.
- Yeah, no, we're a little depressing.
137
00:06:28,531 --> 00:06:30,770
Honey, is it because we're
trying to make it work?
138
00:06:30,772 --> 00:06:31,972
Yes.
139
00:06:31,974 --> 00:06:33,456
Hannah, stop judging.
140
00:06:34,234 --> 00:06:37,070
You know what? I don't
like being judged either.
141
00:06:37,072 --> 00:06:39,423
That's why I had to end
my relationship with Fran,
142
00:06:39,425 --> 00:06:41,031
so I will stop judging you.
143
00:06:41,822 --> 00:06:44,843
If you get better haircuts.
144
00:06:46,494 --> 00:06:49,167
- If you want us to, we'll get haircuts.
- We will.
145
00:06:49,169 --> 00:06:51,079
Thank you. Now, I need
everyone to stop talking to me
146
00:06:51,081 --> 00:06:53,442
'cause I'm trying to get in
the zone for The Moth tonight.
147
00:06:53,444 --> 00:06:55,641
Well, that's fun. What's that?
148
00:06:55,786 --> 00:06:58,123
Oh, it's like an open-mic
storytelling contest
149
00:06:58,125 --> 00:07:00,163
that can lead to NPR opportunities
150
00:07:00,165 --> 00:07:02,385
and be kind of a doorway to Ira Glass.
151
00:07:03,417 --> 00:07:06,452
So, you're writing again?
152
00:07:06,725 --> 00:07:08,732
I don't know, but I
have something to say.
153
00:07:09,232 --> 00:07:10,527
What are you wearing?
154
00:07:10,529 --> 00:07:11,800
I would say just, like, this
155
00:07:11,802 --> 00:07:13,895
with, like, a blazer and,
like, a belt with trinkets.
156
00:07:13,897 --> 00:07:15,199
- No.
- No.
157
00:07:17,486 --> 00:07:19,427
What if I add, like, a chunky heel?
158
00:07:19,558 --> 00:07:22,052
- No. No.
- No. No.
159
00:07:22,054 --> 00:07:23,495
Let's go shoppin'.
160
00:07:24,796 --> 00:07:27,427
- Oh, my God. This stuff is so cute.
- Mm-hmm.
161
00:07:27,429 --> 00:07:30,714
Mom, I would wear this on
a date with Mark Ruffalo.
162
00:07:30,716 --> 00:07:33,064
I would wear this to
lunch with Graydon Carter.
163
00:07:33,230 --> 00:07:35,420
Yeah, it's very good for our body type.
164
00:07:35,431 --> 00:07:36,957
We don't have the same body type.
165
00:07:37,567 --> 00:07:39,786
Hey, which of your friends
are coming tonight?
166
00:07:39,788 --> 00:07:41,976
Oh, I don't know. Not Jessa.
167
00:07:41,977 --> 00:07:45,679
Oh, honey, I'm so sorry.
That is such fucking bullshit.
168
00:07:45,681 --> 00:07:47,983
I just spend all my
time trying not to sink
169
00:07:47,985 --> 00:07:49,784
to their level, which is really hard.
170
00:07:49,901 --> 00:07:53,002
When I saw them last, I said,
"Good day, sirs and misses,"
171
00:07:53,004 --> 00:07:54,571
like I was a fucking Newsy.
172
00:07:54,573 --> 00:07:55,952
Good for you.
173
00:07:56,141 --> 00:07:58,303
I had a friend who
stole my boyfriend once.
174
00:07:58,305 --> 00:08:02,028
Dale. He was such a hunk.
Captain of the debate team.
175
00:08:02,030 --> 00:08:04,676
And then Cadence, this math major bitch,
176
00:08:04,678 --> 00:08:07,793
she started sleeping with him when I
went home for Great-Aunt Bibs' funeral.
177
00:08:07,795 --> 00:08:10,370
Can you imagine? I'm already
mourning Bibs and then this.
178
00:08:10,372 --> 00:08:12,289
- But you know what?
- What?
179
00:08:12,291 --> 00:08:16,150
Two years later, she steps in front of
a car, freak accident, and she's dead.
180
00:08:16,152 --> 00:08:18,164
Now, I'm not saying that's
gonna happen to Jessa,
181
00:08:18,166 --> 00:08:20,681
but I'm also saying I hope
it does, for your sake.
182
00:08:20,683 --> 00:08:24,801
It freed me from so much anger, anger
that probably would've killed me.
183
00:08:24,803 --> 00:08:26,433
And then Dale wanted you again?
184
00:08:26,722 --> 00:08:30,448
I didn't even think of that. I
was just so happy Cadence was dead.
185
00:08:38,650 --> 00:08:40,696
Hannah, open up the door, okay?
186
00:08:41,494 --> 00:08:42,694
Hannah, I'm not fucking around.
187
00:08:42,696 --> 00:08:45,279
I need to get in there
and wash my lower half,
188
00:08:45,281 --> 00:08:48,739
by which I mean my dick and my balls
189
00:08:48,741 --> 00:08:51,600
- and my a... hey!
- Hey!
190
00:08:51,602 --> 00:08:53,262
- Come on in. Hi.
- Hi!
191
00:08:54,857 --> 00:08:57,476
- My, what a nice surprise.
- Come on in.
192
00:08:57,478 --> 00:08:59,323
I thought I was gonna
have another morning alone,
193
00:08:59,325 --> 00:09:02,635
ever since your dumb
daughter started running.
194
00:09:03,113 --> 00:09:04,694
- Yes.
- Yep, okay.
195
00:09:04,696 --> 00:09:06,837
- You all right, Elijah?
- Uh-huh.
196
00:09:07,934 --> 00:09:09,729
You sleep at all, Elijah?
197
00:09:09,731 --> 00:09:11,879
Yeah, yeah, no, I slept...
198
00:09:11,882 --> 00:09:13,605
yeah, I slept Wednesday.
199
00:09:13,779 --> 00:09:15,333
Well, it's Saturday...
200
00:09:15,335 --> 00:09:17,437
- now. It sure is Saturday.
- Oh, well...
201
00:09:17,439 --> 00:09:19,520
- Tad, Calendar Man.
- Yeah.
202
00:09:19,522 --> 00:09:21,901
I don't know, yeah. I've just
been having a good time, you know?
203
00:09:21,903 --> 00:09:23,994
Just letting the chips fall
where they may, you know?
204
00:09:23,995 --> 00:09:25,902
Just having a good old
time. What about you?
205
00:09:25,904 --> 00:09:27,495
You here for another gay-for-all?
206
00:09:28,380 --> 00:09:30,150
No, I'm here with my wife.
207
00:09:37,772 --> 00:09:39,573
Oh, Tad.
208
00:09:39,575 --> 00:09:42,702
That is the saddest
thing I have ever heard.
209
00:09:43,098 --> 00:09:44,598
Doing my best.
210
00:09:45,943 --> 00:09:47,153
Really?
211
00:09:47,264 --> 00:09:49,207
Well, maybe your best isn't good enough.
212
00:09:49,209 --> 00:09:51,554
- Yeah.
- You know?
213
00:09:51,556 --> 00:09:53,903
Maybe your fuckin' best
isn't good enough, Tad.
214
00:09:55,308 --> 00:09:56,508
Yeah.
215
00:09:57,979 --> 00:09:59,551
I need your bosom.
216
00:09:59,553 --> 00:10:00,753
Okay.
217
00:10:01,096 --> 00:10:03,711
Oh, Tad, what does it matter, anyway?
218
00:10:03,713 --> 00:10:06,148
You know, just a bunch of
fuckin' assholes out there
219
00:10:06,150 --> 00:10:08,929
just getting whatever they want
while the rest of us just rot.
220
00:10:08,931 --> 00:10:11,947
Look at me, I'm just trying to
live my life, be a good person,
221
00:10:11,949 --> 00:10:14,718
and the rich keep getting richer
222
00:10:14,720 --> 00:10:17,250
while I turn to dust on
Bleecker Street, you know?
223
00:10:21,650 --> 00:10:24,513
Fuckin' Tad, you know,
I just want to be happy.
224
00:10:25,864 --> 00:10:28,057
Is that w... I mean,
I just want to be happy.
225
00:10:28,059 --> 00:10:32,049
I just want one day
where I just feel good.
226
00:10:32,051 --> 00:10:33,882
Of course, of course you do.
227
00:10:36,401 --> 00:10:37,878
I just feel like...
228
00:10:39,984 --> 00:10:41,983
I just feel like giving up.
229
00:10:42,222 --> 00:10:43,492
Don't you?
230
00:10:44,318 --> 00:10:45,519
No.
231
00:10:46,194 --> 00:10:48,210
I feel like I'm just starting.
232
00:10:50,248 --> 00:10:53,699
She ate once, shat
twice, slept for an hour.
233
00:10:53,701 --> 00:10:55,520
Can't thank you enough, man.
234
00:10:55,990 --> 00:11:00,105
I mean, I was able to get
protein powder and underpants,
235
00:11:00,107 --> 00:11:01,658
saw my friend Justin.
236
00:11:01,803 --> 00:11:06,578
You know, just to have, like,
a second to breathe was crucial.
237
00:11:07,516 --> 00:11:09,096
Hey, Samps.
238
00:11:09,098 --> 00:11:11,950
Hey, Samps, girl. Hi.
239
00:11:11,952 --> 00:11:13,169
Hey, look at me.
240
00:11:14,299 --> 00:11:15,517
I'm looking at you.
241
00:11:15,519 --> 00:11:17,681
No, no, no, really
look at me in my face.
242
00:11:18,564 --> 00:11:19,793
Okay.
243
00:11:21,885 --> 00:11:23,085
Okay.
244
00:11:23,615 --> 00:11:24,825
You okay?
245
00:11:25,025 --> 00:11:27,873
- Here's Daddy!
- Oh, hi.
246
00:11:27,875 --> 00:11:30,906
Oh, I missed you. Hi.
247
00:11:30,908 --> 00:11:32,962
I missed you so much.
248
00:11:32,964 --> 00:11:35,450
We're gonna get this on
you and then we're gonna go.
249
00:11:36,088 --> 00:11:38,281
We're gonna get this fuckin' thing...
250
00:11:38,283 --> 00:11:39,705
You know what? I'll carry her.
251
00:11:39,707 --> 00:11:41,214
- I'll just carry you. I'd rather
- Okay.
252
00:11:41,216 --> 00:11:44,806
do that anyway, all
right? Here's your bag.
253
00:11:44,808 --> 00:11:46,649
- Thank you again, man.
- Mm-hmm.
254
00:11:46,651 --> 00:11:49,003
Really appreciate it. You wanna say bye?
255
00:11:49,005 --> 00:11:50,222
Bye, bye, bye.
256
00:11:50,224 --> 00:11:52,035
Yeah, here we go.
257
00:11:52,037 --> 00:11:55,155
What should we do tonight?
You wanna watch cartoons?
258
00:11:59,301 --> 00:12:01,484
Okay, he seems okay to me.
259
00:12:01,887 --> 00:12:03,885
Now we can do something fun.
260
00:12:05,023 --> 00:12:06,976
We could ride a water taxi
261
00:12:07,710 --> 00:12:10,827
or maybe go have sex at Trader Joe's.
262
00:12:12,031 --> 00:12:14,332
You know, last time we saw Hannah...
263
00:12:14,349 --> 00:12:17,578
I'm sorry, just one last thing
I can't get out of my head.
264
00:12:18,002 --> 00:12:19,585
Last time we saw Hannah,
265
00:12:19,736 --> 00:12:24,023
she called me "miss" and you "sir."
266
00:12:24,759 --> 00:12:26,209
Didn't that upset you?
267
00:12:26,294 --> 00:12:29,658
No, it didn't. I'm fuckin' fine, thanks.
268
00:12:29,660 --> 00:12:32,632
In fact, you bringing it up all the
time is really starting to piss me off.
269
00:12:32,634 --> 00:12:34,492
She's not in our lives anymore.
270
00:12:34,494 --> 00:12:36,400
Why can't you just fucking let it go?
271
00:12:36,721 --> 00:12:38,438
You really don't get it, do you?
272
00:12:38,440 --> 00:12:40,770
No, no. I really don't.
273
00:12:42,594 --> 00:12:45,240
Hannah is my dearest friend.
274
00:12:45,242 --> 00:12:48,036
She will always come first.
275
00:12:48,038 --> 00:12:50,264
We may not be talking right now.
276
00:12:50,869 --> 00:12:53,503
And I hope to God that that changes.
277
00:12:53,905 --> 00:12:58,779
So, you saying that she's not in our
lives anymore doesn't work for me.
278
00:12:58,994 --> 00:13:02,545
You know people hate me. I'm
a hate-able kind of person.
279
00:13:02,547 --> 00:13:03,937
I don't know why. I can't help it.
280
00:13:03,939 --> 00:13:06,380
Maybe it's 'cause I have
a big ass and good hair.
281
00:13:06,382 --> 00:13:11,032
But I know... I know
that I have principles.
282
00:13:11,034 --> 00:13:15,104
And one thing I don't do is
steal people's boyfriends.
283
00:13:15,106 --> 00:13:16,905
But you ruined that.
284
00:13:18,245 --> 00:13:19,761
Don't you see that?
285
00:13:21,099 --> 00:13:22,580
I'll never forgive you.
286
00:13:22,582 --> 00:13:25,114
I will never forgive you for that.
287
00:13:25,854 --> 00:13:30,053
We could die in the same bed
and I will never forgive you.
288
00:13:56,007 --> 00:13:57,978
Jessa, come back here!
289
00:14:00,258 --> 00:14:01,487
Fuck.
290
00:14:03,482 --> 00:14:05,058
Sophie, you run that website?
291
00:14:05,060 --> 00:14:07,062
- Uh-huh.
- That's amazing.
292
00:14:07,228 --> 00:14:11,603
- It's called, um, Desmerize.
- No, I know what it's called.
293
00:14:11,605 --> 00:14:14,602
It's my favorite one. I'm on
that site like all the time.
294
00:14:15,019 --> 00:14:17,403
- Thank you.
- No, thank you.
295
00:14:18,178 --> 00:14:19,405
What?
296
00:14:19,407 --> 00:14:21,694
- It's just that, um...
- What?
297
00:14:22,077 --> 00:14:26,146
Um, ever since you were
on "Charmed," I've, like...
298
00:14:27,999 --> 00:14:31,250
- loved you.
- Oh, my God, Sophie, I love you.
299
00:14:31,467 --> 00:14:32,805
Oh.
300
00:14:34,334 --> 00:14:36,589
And let's, um... let's
definitely do that interview later
301
00:14:36,591 --> 00:14:38,416
- that we talked about?
- Okay, definitely.
302
00:14:38,418 --> 00:14:40,395
- Okay, cool.
- I can't wait.
303
00:14:40,845 --> 00:14:42,729
- Hi, girls.
- Hey.
304
00:14:43,356 --> 00:14:44,563
Later.
305
00:14:44,565 --> 00:14:45,765
Hey.
306
00:14:45,767 --> 00:14:46,849
- Hey.
- Hey.
307
00:14:46,851 --> 00:14:48,419
- How's it going?
- Ray.
308
00:14:48,781 --> 00:14:50,064
Where's Tandace?
309
00:14:50,066 --> 00:14:52,948
Yeah, she... fuck, her dad died,
310
00:14:52,950 --> 00:14:55,459
- so she, er, she had to take five.
- Oh, no.
311
00:14:55,461 --> 00:14:57,209
- Whoa.
- Yeah, yeah.
312
00:14:57,562 --> 00:15:00,355
Was it a... sudden, or...?
313
00:15:00,357 --> 00:15:04,673
I don't really know the details, but
it sounded pretty serious, you know?
314
00:15:05,692 --> 00:15:08,419
Desi, look, I, ah, I'm gonna
be joining you guys on the tour,
315
00:15:08,879 --> 00:15:10,904
um, carrying guitar cases,
316
00:15:11,203 --> 00:15:12,904
fetching snacks, and so on.
317
00:15:12,906 --> 00:15:14,388
- Oh.
- So, ah, I just really
318
00:15:14,390 --> 00:15:18,459
hope we can figure out a way to
keep things, um, cordial, you know?
319
00:15:18,461 --> 00:15:21,832
Maybe even enjoy a sparkling
beverage at the end of the day.
320
00:15:21,936 --> 00:15:25,390
I mean, I don't drink, but, you
know, I've never refused a juice.
321
00:15:25,595 --> 00:15:28,545
- All right. Exactly.
- We're all adults here.
322
00:15:29,009 --> 00:15:31,554
I don't believe a fuckin'
thing coming out of your mouth.
323
00:15:31,556 --> 00:15:34,614
Well, that's on you, because
the only time I ever lied
324
00:15:34,616 --> 00:15:37,270
is when I said I cared
that you lived or died!
325
00:15:37,272 --> 00:15:39,313
I'm so fucking out of here.
326
00:15:39,571 --> 00:15:42,877
No, you're not going anywhere. I'm
not gonna let Hannah break us apart.
327
00:15:42,879 --> 00:15:45,710
I'll fuckin' run her over
with a car if I have to.
328
00:15:45,712 --> 00:15:49,556
God fuckin'... God damn
it! Fucking best friend?!
329
00:15:49,664 --> 00:15:52,022
Oh, you have great
taste in friends, then.
330
00:15:52,024 --> 00:15:54,584
She's a lazy, e-e-entitled,
331
00:15:54,586 --> 00:15:56,786
manipulative, myopic narcissist
332
00:15:56,788 --> 00:15:59,154
who knows a fuck of a lot
less than she thinks she does.
333
00:15:59,156 --> 00:16:01,448
Why do you think I hated
you for so fucking long?
334
00:16:01,559 --> 00:16:03,476
Because Hannah fucking hates you!
335
00:16:04,445 --> 00:16:07,372
Welcome to having a friend,
336
00:16:07,374 --> 00:16:10,791
something you would know
nothing about, you fucking
337
00:16:10,793 --> 00:16:12,756
- dumb fuck, goat-faced fuck!
- And Hannah is a cunt
338
00:16:12,758 --> 00:16:14,422
whether she's around or not.
339
00:16:18,706 --> 00:16:20,659
Hannah's a bitch and a cunt!
340
00:16:20,661 --> 00:16:23,447
Hannah's a fucking bitch and a cunt!
341
00:16:23,448 --> 00:16:26,675
- We're done with her!
- Oh, yeah? Oh, yeah?
342
00:16:26,677 --> 00:16:27,917
We're done with her?
343
00:16:27,919 --> 00:16:30,726
We will never be done
with her, you shit!
344
00:16:30,966 --> 00:16:32,166
Fuck!
345
00:16:33,980 --> 00:16:35,180
Jesus.
346
00:16:41,313 --> 00:16:42,846
No fuckin' way!
347
00:16:43,423 --> 00:16:44,630
Come out!
348
00:16:46,421 --> 00:16:48,471
Open this fucking door!
349
00:16:48,983 --> 00:16:50,345
I'm not kidding!
350
00:17:00,275 --> 00:17:01,489
You're kidding me.
351
00:17:07,008 --> 00:17:08,297
I'm sorry.
352
00:17:10,853 --> 00:17:12,574
I'm sorry. I didn't mean to scare you.
353
00:17:13,322 --> 00:17:14,882
You didn't scare me.
354
00:17:15,462 --> 00:17:18,167
It was just so over-the-top unnecessary.
355
00:17:18,297 --> 00:17:19,903
Well, you're gonna
make a great therapist
356
00:17:19,905 --> 00:17:21,335
because you're fucking insane.
357
00:17:21,337 --> 00:17:23,237
And you're gonna be an amazing actor
358
00:17:23,239 --> 00:17:25,950
because you're a
narcissist and a sociopath!
359
00:17:26,352 --> 00:17:28,864
Hannah told me everything about you.
360
00:17:28,866 --> 00:17:30,082
Everything!
361
00:17:30,475 --> 00:17:33,636
I used to think she was being dramatic,
but now I know it was all true.
362
00:17:33,638 --> 00:17:36,136
- You're actually the worst!
- Fuck you.
363
00:17:36,969 --> 00:17:38,552
Ass fuck!
364
00:17:51,252 --> 00:17:56,005
This particular line of people
is literally my worst nightmare.
365
00:17:56,007 --> 00:17:59,015
Well, you're dressed
like Lance Bass, so...
366
00:18:07,046 --> 00:18:09,713
- So, when do you go on?
- Well, I don't know if I go on.
367
00:18:09,715 --> 00:18:11,878
You know, I put my name in, and
if they pick me, they pick me.
368
00:18:11,880 --> 00:18:13,689
And then they vote based on looks?
369
00:18:13,691 --> 00:18:16,152
No, Elijah, they vote on
adherence to the theme,
370
00:18:16,154 --> 00:18:20,258
general storytelling ability,
okay, and charisma, et cetera.
371
00:18:20,260 --> 00:18:23,774
Okay, well, that's too bad
because you are a moth nine.
372
00:18:24,246 --> 00:18:26,236
Why don't you guys go
sit down? Where's Dad?
373
00:18:26,238 --> 00:18:30,273
Well, he'll be here soon, I think.
Or, I don't know, maybe he won't.
374
00:18:30,769 --> 00:18:32,480
I'll go get us a seat.
375
00:18:34,495 --> 00:18:36,725
Hannah, how are you ever going
to get to the front of this line?
376
00:18:36,727 --> 00:18:38,966
The only time you shove is to
get free samples at Whole Foods.
377
00:18:38,968 --> 00:18:40,802
- I don't shove at Whole Foods.
- I'll do it.
378
00:18:40,804 --> 00:18:43,464
Excuse me. Excuse me. Hi, excuse me.
379
00:18:43,466 --> 00:18:45,809
Excuse me, ma'am. Sorry, sir. Excuse me.
380
00:18:45,811 --> 00:18:48,721
I'm sorry. Excuse me real
quick. I lost my place earlier.
381
00:18:49,203 --> 00:18:51,203
Excuse me, sir, jeez.
382
00:18:56,476 --> 00:18:59,316
I put your name in twice.
383
00:19:02,028 --> 00:19:03,228
Hi.
384
00:19:03,662 --> 00:19:04,866
Hello.
385
00:19:05,537 --> 00:19:07,287
You waiting to sign up, or...?
386
00:19:07,477 --> 00:19:10,830
Yeah, should I pull a you
and put my name in twice?
387
00:19:10,832 --> 00:19:13,072
- I'm sorry.
- Yeah, um, listen.
388
00:19:13,074 --> 00:19:15,894
I'm not gonna tell nobody,
but that was uncool.
389
00:19:15,896 --> 00:19:17,586
I hear you. I didn't think it was cool.
390
00:19:17,588 --> 00:19:20,028
There are actually people in
there trying to live their dream.
391
00:19:20,041 --> 00:19:23,253
I know. There's no part of me
that is defending that action.
392
00:19:24,232 --> 00:19:26,383
I have a podcast. I care.
393
00:19:26,597 --> 00:19:27,848
I get it.
394
00:19:28,349 --> 00:19:30,559
Hello, everybody, welcome to The Moth.
395
00:19:35,556 --> 00:19:40,226
I'm Ophira Eisenberg and
tonight's theme is jealousy,
396
00:19:40,228 --> 00:19:42,691
which should be a perfect way for you
397
00:19:42,693 --> 00:19:44,404
to frame your sex stories.
398
00:19:45,754 --> 00:19:48,306
So we'll be choosing our
storytellers at random.
399
00:19:48,308 --> 00:19:51,857
They will come up here and tell
a true story from their life.
400
00:19:52,033 --> 00:19:54,373
All right, everybody,
let's get things started.
401
00:19:59,881 --> 00:20:05,512
Our first storyteller of the
evening is Leslie Johnstone.
402
00:20:08,974 --> 00:20:10,933
I hate Doug.
403
00:20:10,935 --> 00:20:13,098
I hooked up with him two nights earlier.
404
00:20:13,225 --> 00:20:15,691
But who I really hate
is this Australian woman
405
00:20:15,693 --> 00:20:17,866
who he hooked up with one night earlier.
406
00:20:17,982 --> 00:20:20,781
I don't remember her name,
so let's just call her Cunty.
407
00:20:24,760 --> 00:20:26,285
I'm lying in my bed at night,
408
00:20:26,377 --> 00:20:28,801
and what I'm subconsciously wishing for
409
00:20:28,803 --> 00:20:31,078
is some sort of a transformation.
410
00:20:31,080 --> 00:20:33,929
So, in high school,
she was such a knockout
411
00:20:33,931 --> 00:20:38,233
that the boys nicknamed
her Boom Boom Shauna.
412
00:20:38,453 --> 00:20:41,841
When I was in college,
instead of asking a girl out,
413
00:20:41,843 --> 00:20:44,730
I would ask her if I
could ask her out sometime.
414
00:20:44,732 --> 00:20:46,915
In reality, what's really
going through your mind is,
415
00:20:47,350 --> 00:20:49,916
"I'm going to buy a house today."
416
00:20:55,431 --> 00:20:58,318
Our next storyteller is...
417
00:20:59,577 --> 00:21:01,556
Hannah "Horvayth."
418
00:21:04,780 --> 00:21:06,934
Wait, wait, wait, you
can't bring those up.
419
00:21:06,936 --> 00:21:08,786
- But they're my prompts.
- What, are you an idiot?
420
00:21:08,788 --> 00:21:10,857
Nah, you'll get disqualified. No notes.
421
00:21:10,948 --> 00:21:12,148
Okay.
422
00:21:12,205 --> 00:21:13,454
Thank you.
423
00:21:13,844 --> 00:21:15,122
Oh, I'm sorry.
424
00:21:22,078 --> 00:21:23,303
Thanks.
425
00:21:26,751 --> 00:21:30,538
It's actually Horvath, but having your
Polish last name properly pronounced
426
00:21:30,540 --> 00:21:33,092
is, you know, kind of low
on the list of priorities.
427
00:21:33,094 --> 00:21:35,230
There's police brutality
to worry about and stuff.
428
00:21:37,127 --> 00:21:38,770
So, um...
429
00:21:40,098 --> 00:21:43,691
what follows is a
classic tale of jealousy
430
00:21:43,871 --> 00:21:46,707
and beating it back like the
medieval dragon that it is.
431
00:21:46,709 --> 00:21:50,252
In this story, I am Viggo
Mortensen in "Lord of the Rings,"
432
00:21:50,254 --> 00:21:53,267
and jealousy is powerless
against my sword.
433
00:21:53,361 --> 00:21:56,868
And this begins the way all
stories of jealousy do...
434
00:21:56,870 --> 00:21:58,153
all great stories of jealousy...
435
00:21:58,155 --> 00:22:01,478
which is with my ex-boyfriend
and my best friend fucking.
436
00:22:02,584 --> 00:22:05,004
And this is not just any best friend.
437
00:22:05,006 --> 00:22:07,256
This is the best friend
who I would say looks like
438
00:22:07,258 --> 00:22:10,293
Brigitte Bardot had
a baby with a mermaid.
439
00:22:12,385 --> 00:22:16,252
She literally had an open
fungal sore on her face
440
00:22:16,254 --> 00:22:18,327
and Matthew Perry still asked her out.
441
00:22:20,278 --> 00:22:23,540
So, um, I guess I'm not what you
would describe as, like, a chill girl.
442
00:22:23,542 --> 00:22:25,355
I'm not like a cool, relaxed lady.
443
00:22:25,357 --> 00:22:27,059
Like, you would never meet
me and be like, "That Hannah,
444
00:22:27,061 --> 00:22:29,449
she really goes with the
flow like a funky youth."
445
00:22:29,451 --> 00:22:32,536
You would be like, "Has she snorted
Adderall in the last 60 minutes?"
446
00:22:32,538 --> 00:22:38,320
So when I found out about my
ex-boyfriend and my best friend,
447
00:22:38,322 --> 00:22:42,502
um, I was weirdly calm,
considering that fact.
448
00:22:42,710 --> 00:22:44,394
Frozen, even, you know?
449
00:22:44,396 --> 00:22:47,512
I tried to imagine all
these horrible things,
450
00:22:47,514 --> 00:22:49,813
like him licking her
elephant tramp stamp
451
00:22:49,815 --> 00:22:53,108
and sucking her tiny tit
while she cupped his balls
452
00:22:53,110 --> 00:22:56,169
and then he sucked on her lip,
which is shaped like a rosebud.
453
00:22:56,306 --> 00:22:58,038
And I tried to get
myself really worked up
454
00:22:58,040 --> 00:23:00,240
and just imagine all this
horrible stuff on a loop,
455
00:23:00,704 --> 00:23:04,836
but the fact is is that I wasn't angry,
456
00:23:04,838 --> 00:23:06,153
I was sad.
457
00:23:06,500 --> 00:23:10,686
I was sad about what I
thought they knew I was.
458
00:23:10,824 --> 00:23:13,485
I thought they were sitting there going
like, "Oh, God, Hannah's freaking out.
459
00:23:13,487 --> 00:23:15,534
She's gonna kill a cat and
she's gonna nail it to our door.
460
00:23:15,536 --> 00:23:19,846
She's going to cry so hard that
all of Greenpoint fills with tears
461
00:23:19,848 --> 00:23:21,858
and it's like fuckin' Waterworld."
462
00:23:22,202 --> 00:23:24,536
And you know what? They weren't wrong.
463
00:23:24,538 --> 00:23:28,110
I had to fight really, really
hard not to be that girl.
464
00:23:28,292 --> 00:23:32,341
And it wasn't easy. I thought about,
um, throwing a bike through his window,
465
00:23:32,343 --> 00:23:35,715
but, A, he lives on the third floor.
I have very poor upper body strength.
466
00:23:35,717 --> 00:23:37,440
And, B, he probably would have
appreciated it and been like,
467
00:23:37,442 --> 00:23:38,801
"Thanks for the bike."
468
00:23:40,786 --> 00:23:42,551
I thought about sending
her a text that said,
469
00:23:42,553 --> 00:23:46,919
"How does the wind feel caressing
your two faces, young lady?"
470
00:23:47,692 --> 00:23:51,835
But instead I sat and cried and thought
471
00:23:51,837 --> 00:23:55,116
and ate and wrote and masturbated
thinking about Chris Farley,
472
00:23:55,118 --> 00:23:58,079
which is a thing from my childhood
that I haven't fully worked through yet.
473
00:23:59,660 --> 00:24:01,840
But when I heard tonight's
theme was jealousy,
474
00:24:01,842 --> 00:24:05,631
I knew that I needed an
end to my story, a real end,
475
00:24:05,633 --> 00:24:08,354
and that end came about 20
minutes before I arrived here
476
00:24:08,356 --> 00:24:13,549
when I delivered a very nice and not
at all cheap fruit basket to his door,
477
00:24:13,551 --> 00:24:16,098
along with a note that said, "Good luck.
478
00:24:16,298 --> 00:24:17,998
I mean it sincerely.
479
00:24:18,157 --> 00:24:20,949
In perpetuity, Hannah."
480
00:24:21,842 --> 00:24:24,219
'Cause that's the fact, you know?
481
00:24:24,489 --> 00:24:26,652
I'm Hannah forever.
482
00:24:26,847 --> 00:24:29,616
No matter what I do, no
matter whether I, you know,
483
00:24:29,618 --> 00:24:33,320
start a new nuclear missile
crisis with my emotions
484
00:24:33,322 --> 00:24:37,386
or just sit back and chill and
give someone a fruit basket.
485
00:24:37,724 --> 00:24:41,267
I can only control the mayhem
that I create around me.
486
00:24:41,269 --> 00:24:44,970
But the crazy thing is that when
I showed up, I heard screaming
487
00:24:45,199 --> 00:24:49,501
and I heard my name and I heard madness,
488
00:24:49,503 --> 00:24:52,243
and I knew that I was free,
489
00:24:52,245 --> 00:24:54,589
at least for tonight.
490
00:24:55,562 --> 00:24:57,554
That's all. Thank you.
491
00:25:01,498 --> 00:25:03,033
Whoo!
492
00:25:07,722 --> 00:25:09,038
Ten.
493
00:25:43,508 --> 00:25:44,809
Desi?
494
00:25:44,811 --> 00:25:46,497
It's Marnie. I need to get in there.
495
00:25:46,499 --> 00:25:49,928
I need my in-ear monitors, I
need my open-toed shoes. Come on.
496
00:25:50,193 --> 00:25:51,480
I really love your website.
497
00:25:52,047 --> 00:25:53,253
Desi?
498
00:25:53,255 --> 00:25:54,561
- Yeah.
- Mm-hmm.
499
00:25:54,563 --> 00:25:56,450
Desi, come on, man. Open the door.
500
00:25:56,452 --> 00:25:57,703
Whoa.
501
00:25:57,787 --> 00:25:59,315
Open the door!
502
00:26:00,775 --> 00:26:03,442
She needs her fucking open-toed shoes!
503
00:26:21,987 --> 00:26:24,818
I am gonna die having done nothing.
504
00:26:25,633 --> 00:26:28,462
I don't have a lot of time
left in the scheme of things.
505
00:26:28,799 --> 00:26:31,177
Well, I'm gonna die having done nothing,
506
00:26:31,522 --> 00:26:34,232
and I have a ton of time
left in the scheme of things.
507
00:26:34,308 --> 00:26:38,727
I'm gonna live, like, 80
more years. It's horrible!
508
00:26:43,651 --> 00:26:46,552
I'm like three beers away
from trying to fuck you.
509
00:26:46,955 --> 00:26:48,738
Apparently, you're my type.
510
00:28:05,333 --> 00:28:10,333
Sync & corrections by
PetaG www.MY-SUBS.com
40008
Can't find what you're looking for?
Get subtitles in any language from opensubtitles.com, and translate them here.
Afrikaans
Akan
Albanian
Amharic
Arabic
Armenian
Azerbaijani
Basque
Belarusian
Bemba
Bengali
Bihari
Bosnian
Breton
Bulgarian
Cambodian
Catalan
Cebuano
Cherokee
Chichewa
Chinese (Simplified)
Chinese (Traditional)
Corsican
Croatian
Czech
Danish
Dutch
English
Esperanto
Estonian
Faroese
Finnish
Galician
Georgian
German
Greek
Guarani
Haitian Creole
Hausa
Hawaiian
Hebrew
Hmong
Hungarian
Icelandic
Indonesian
Irish
Italian
Japanese
Kazakh
Kinyarwanda
Kirundi
Kongo
Korean
Krio (Sierra Leone)
Kurdish
Kyrgyz
Laothian
Latin
Latvian
Lithuanian
Luganda
Luo
Luxembourgish
Macedonian
Malagasy
Malay
Maltese
Maori
Mauritian Creole
Moldavian
Mongolian
Myanmar (Burmese)
Montenegrin
Nepali
Norwegian
Pashto
Persian
Polish
Portuguese (Brazil)
Portuguese (Portugal)
Quechua
Romanian
Romansh
Russian
Samoan
Scots Gaelic
Serbian
Sesotho
Setswana
Seychellois Creole
Shona
Sindhi
Slovak
Slovenian
Somali
Spanish
Swedish
Tajik
Tamil
Thai
Tigrinya
Tonga
Turkish
Turkmen
Ukrainian
Uzbek
Vietnamese
Welsh
Wolof