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You okay?

I think I'm having a panic attack.

Oh, man.

I can still breathe, so I don't know if it counts as a panic attack

if I can still breathe, but my heart is really...

maybe slowed down.

Are the kids still in there?

In the classroom where you left them? Yeah.

Great, great.

Apparently Ashanti brought a gerbil to school in her pocket

and crushed its brain,

so they've moved on to bigger and better things.

Is that something that happens a lot?

There's just been a lot going on lately with my... family.

Yeah.

My dad decided that he's, um...

well, I don't know if he decided, he just figured...

he's not...

You know what? Don't need to tell me.

Okay.

I'm gonna go back up there in a second.

I just need to breathe a little

and then I'm gonna be ready to rock.

Everything's under control up there.

You take as much time as you need.

Is this okay?

So I was really inspired by working on his campaign

and, you know, seeing all of the change

that he's already been able to make in his neighborhood

regarding the traffic lights.

It reinvigorated my job search, so here I am.

And I don't think that I need to overplay my résumé, you know?

It's not exhaustive, but I have really stuck with the jobs that I've had

and I am incredibly educated about the current corporate climate

and also what marketing means in the digital age.

Well, I think you just really hit the nail on the head.

I mean, that's the company ethos,

and we want employees who understand the lifestyle and the message,

so I think there is a position you'd be perfect for.

- It involves marketing... - A passion area.

- ...and social media... - Okay, also, like, a joy of mine.

...and acting as a liaison between our Japanese brand leadership

and our American sales team.

Amazing.

Um, but how would you feel about relocating to Tokyo?

At least for the time being.

Um... me?

Yeah, you.

Tokyo.

It's the coolest.

We have a great team of expats working in Tokyo,

and they've all found the city hijo ni subarashii,

which means "very nice" in Japanese.

Japanese is super easy to get the hang of.

It's just, like, four sounds

that you kind of, like, loop around and put together.

It's like, "hi," and then like, "jo."

Um, so, like, how frequently do you go...

travel to Japan?

I have not been.

But I get a lot of visual aids from the Internet

and I have Skyped with people in Tokyo.

I'll go, like, "Hi!"

And they will do "Hi!" back.

Um, can... is, uh... is it possible

to think about it just for a moment?

Totally. Think about it.

I probably need to know by Wednesday, probably.

- Okay. - Okay?

To be completely frank,

Lydia, who is currently holding the position,

is, um, bipolar.

- Oh. - And we are gonna fire her

pretty much the minute she's on a manic upswing. So...

- Japan. - Yeah.

Yes!

Oh, yes!

Oh!

- Hannah. - Hey, Laird.

Wow, glad you made it.

Come in, shoeless, of course.

You sure everything's okay in here?

- 'Cause... - Oh, yeah, yeah.

Those are just shouts of maternal celebration.

Hon Bun, look who it is.

Oh, Hannah.

Hannah. It's my birth, Hannah.

Yeah.

No, it's great. It seems... fun and relaxed.

And, like, you just... you got this, girl.

So I'm gonna head back upstairs. Bye.

No, no, Hannah. Stay, stay, please stay.

Yeah.

Laird is my doula,

and between you and me, he could use a little help.

Well, I'm not officially trained.

Caroline just told me everything she knows

and I already cried once. So...

Is Caroline even a doula?

Yep, almost.

She is almost a doula.

Okay, well, I don't actually think this is legal,

to self-doula.

Yeah, this is pretty legal, right?

Fuck the legal system.

Uh, we're trying to keep a positive spin on things.

This baby is a month and a half early,

but it knows that we are ready, right?

We are ready and waiting for you to come out.

Oh, you want Hannah to stay?

Oh, you want Hannah to stay? Yeah, that's a great idea.

- That is so beautiful. - Thank you.

- Antique. Yeah. - Congratulations.

Oh, my God, you're a record company president. You do not care about my ring.

- No, of course I do. - I'm such a dork!

- Oh, my God, I'm so embarrassed. - No, it's beautiful.

- Congratulations. - Thank you.

Thank you. We're so happy.

Marriage is such an antiquated concept on so many levels,

but until they discover something better,

you know, this is really the only way I know how

to express my eternal devotion to Marnie.

Oh, my God.

Plus, I don't believe in tattoos,

so this is our only option.

All I can say is that marriage is the best thing I ever did.

- I love hearing that. - Oh, God, yeah.

How long have you been married for, Marcos?

Um, ten years now, including this most recent separation.

- Oh. - I'm sorry to hear that.

I mean, actually, the hardest part is actually

just trying to FaceTime with Piper and she's only three.

She keeps trying to touch Daddy's face through the screen

and gets really confused and starts...

Wow, I'm really sorry.

No, I'm sorry.

- Holy shit, I'm sorry. - No.

You guys are not lunatics, so you're gonna make it.

And let's talk about the showcase.

I just want to get your equipment needs

so I can get them to the guitar techs and everyone.

Wow, totally.

I can't believe how hands-on you are.

You're the label president. This is crazy.

No, no, let's just pretend we're all doing this together in a garage somewhere.

Okay, well, all of our gear is in the back of Desi's truck,

so it won't be that hard to pretend.

- Great, I'll be your roadie. - Perfect.

Why don't you guys do that? Let me get this.

Bye, Ray-Ray.

Ray...

I gotta settle up. We had three espressos,

two of these delicious scones, and, um, one glass of water.

Water's free.

Oh, that's a very generous policy.

Hey, Ray, let me ask you something, man.

Are we solid?

Excuse me?

Are you and I solid, you know?

Are we simpatico?

Because sometimes I get this sense that there's some...

tension or like a bad line.

Not really between us, but specifically from you to me.

Well, I really wouldn't worry about it if I were you.

Okay, but you know what?

I do worry about those kinds of things

'cause I'm exactly the kind of person that needs to know

that none of my lines are faulty, you know?

That-that I'm making everybody around me happy.

- That make sense? - It does, it does make sense.

Unfortunately, Desi, you're not gonna get that assurance from me today.

- Okay. - Okay?

Can you expound on that?

You're not gonna get that assurance from me

because I fucking hate you.

Well, I totally get that we're from very different parts of the world,

and I don't expect everybody here to...

fully understand my kind of Pacific Northwest thing.

Your whole Boston vibe can be very abrasive.

- Okay, that's... - Desi, this isn't about where you're from.

- Okay. - Okay?

- This isn't about geography. - Uh-huh.

This is about that distressed shirt you're wearing.

This is about the fact that you have eyeliner on your face right now.

This is about the fact that your musical sensibility is insufferable.

Don't ever think that you get onstage anywhere

where a vast majority of the crowd doesn't think "douche."

Douche.

You know how you feel when you watch Imagine Dragons play?

Well, that's how we feel about you.

And you know what? Imagine Dragons are great and you're the douche.

You know, if we just take a minute

and put our hearts together, you and me right here,

I think we'll both find

that we're not really all that different.

But we are different.

We are very different, because I would never treat her like shit.

Who, Marnie?

Yes, Marnie. Marnie Michaels.

Okay, now you're talking about my fiancée,

and I strongly suggest, Ray, that you proceed with caution.

Yeah, I know she's your fiancée.

I also know that you absolutely do not deserve her.

Even remotely.

You string her along for months

and now you've proposed to her

in some desperate bid to make it seem like you're not

the most selfish person in the western fucking hemisphere,

but you know what, Desi?

I'm onto you.

Marnie isn't some tool for you to stroke your ego with.

She's a beautiful, fully formed woman,

dazzling in her complexity, maddening in her mystery,

and you underestimate her every fucking day.

And because of that, you will never, ever

make her truly happy.

Truly, deeply, fundamentally happy.

You're gonna try and fuck up and try and fuck up again.

And every time, she will smile and take you back.

Well, thank you for that.

Keep your fucking blood money.

I love it when you join me for lunch.

I go back to the office and I'm invigorated

and I have all these great ideas and it's all because of you.

Oh, so this weekend, Amagansett.

Bryce is having one of his famous, crazy, weird parties.

I think he has, like, half of the cast

of the Cirque du Soleil... um, I can't remember... the sexy one.

Anyway, it's gonna be really great.

- Hey, I have to tell you something. - Mm-hmm?

Um... I got a job.

- Oh, my God! - Yeah.

- That's so cool. - Yeah, um...

in Japan.

It's really... it's incredible.

It's, um... it's, like, a very high-level job.

It's in marketing, it's kind of... it-it's... I... no, it's my dream job.

It's totally my dream job. You know, I'm totally down

to be your Japanese booty call

and that's so fine and amazing, but I just...

Don't...

- You know, it's like, we can continue - Don't... don't take the job.

- on the phone, and... - Don't.

- Shoshanna, don't take that job, okay? - What?

- Okay? - Just... what?

Just don't take it.

You can work at Madame Tinsley's, okay?

And move in with me. Yes, move in with me.

I know that's fast, but you can't go to Japan.

Don't take that job.

- Um... - I'm gonna be in love with you soon.

Oh, okay.

Uh, Laird, this whole thing seems kind of crazy.

Uh, how can it be crazy, Hannah?

It's happening.

Okay, yeah, but just because something's happening doesn't mean it's not crazy.

Doesn't it?

No, crazy things happen every...

Hey.

No.

Oh, I'm so happy you're here.

What the fuck are you doing?

Oh, even for you, that's a dim little question.

This is the dumbest idea that's ever happened.

That's what I was trying to tell them,

only just in less kind of combative words.

Oh, don't be so Western, you two.

- Cover your boobs, please. - Fine.

But for obvious reasons, I'm not gonna cover my vagina.

We got it on lock, brother.

What is that?

Uh, we... we're... we got the situation under control.

We got it on lockdown.

Oh, good to know.

Because if there's a problem, those are usually handled

by modern fucking medicine!

Fuck the modern fucking medicine, okay?

I am not going to distance myself

from the beautiful and natural process that is birth

by tubes and drugs and fucking white lab coats.

I'm going to inhabit my body

and bring this baby into a world

of aware, peaceful individuals

and not fucking drug-addicted robots.

So you would have open-heart surgery in your living room?

Maybe, yeah. Maybe I would.

You know, I watched the Ricki Lake-produced documentary

"The Business of Being Born," and it let me know

that there's a lot of different angles on this.

I agree. There was a "Tom and Jerry" episode...

they were on the plains in frontier times

and Tom was having a baby and Jerry was a cowboy...

Shut the fuck up!

You listen to me.

That is the father of my child, okay?

And that man loves me and treats me as I should be treated by a man

and you don't talk to him like that, ever!

Ray?

Ray?

- Ray! - Ah, shush!

You're making my migraine twerk.

Hi, Hermie. Um, is Ray here?

Because it's a little bit of an emergency

and it also has a little bit of a clock on it.

Break a heel in a subway grate?

No, actually.

I was offered a high-powered job in Japan

and I need his advice on whether or not to take it.

Well, Ray's not here right now.

Okay, well, do you know where Ray is?

Ray's a politician now.

He's shaking hands and kissing babies.

That's his life. We're no longer part of it.

Job offer in Japan's not a bad thing to have.

Yeah, I guess so.

I don't know if I'm gonna take it. I just...

I'm kind of on the precipice of, like, possibly falling in love

with a very successful, very kind,

very fashionable man,

and I just feel like if I don't give this relationship a shot,

then I'm gonna regret it my entire life.

And he offered me a job at his company, so I feel like...

Stop, stop, stop, please.

What, does that... does that not make sense?

It makes sense like a Danielle Steel novel

makes sense to a woman with emphysema.

I'm gonna tell you something.

Be the walker, not the dog.

What?

You familiar with the work of the writer Sheryl Sandberg?

Um, yes, I'm familiar with the works

of the writer Sheryl Sandberg. Are you?

Yes, my wife left a copy out and I saw an attractive woman,

I read the book. I'm a convert.

This is your "Lean In" moment.

This is your moment to lean in.

You don't want to be dependent on some guy, some nerd.

Don't give the power to your partner.

Grab a seat at the table and lean the fuck in.

And if this guy's worth his salt,

he'll be waiting for you at the airport when you return.

This is for you, taking what's yours.

Attainment, achievement...

this is your time to grasp your destiny.

- What you... - Yeah, no, I get it, I get it, I get it.

Thank you.

You are very strange.

But you're very wise.

I want to go in there and see what's happening so bad. Do you think it's gory?

No, it just looks like me after I've eaten, like, a big Mexican dinner.

- Hannah. - No, but, like, her actual pussy.

- What's happening? - Oh, I didn't get to see her pussy.

Adam, did you see it?

I didn't fucking look. That's my fucking sister!

Adam, maybe you should look because it's your sister.

Okay, something is not right.

Motherfucker, I told you.

I think something is really wrong.

Okay, Laird, we need you to be more articulate

if you want us to help you.

Okay, she... she is writhing in pain

and she is really feeling it,

and she is screaming... you can all currently hear all that right now.

And even I know that that should not happen unless...

you're supposed to be five to ten dilated for that kind of pain, right?

And she is only three fingers wide.

I'm calling an ambulance. Motherfucker, I know where you live.

No, you are not calling an... hey, no.

She will not go to a hospital. That is not in her birth plan.

What the fuck is a birth plan?

I think it's pretty self-explanatory.

It's the plan you have for the way you're gonna give birth,

like, "I'm gonna take the stuff that Michael Jackson took to sleep," all right?

We need to call a doctor.

We are not calling a doctor,

we are not going to the hospital.

She will murder me. Are you kidding? No.

You guys are all pussies, every one of you.

Okay, Caroline, talk to me.

It hurts like a motherfucker, Jess.

Low, real low.

I think she might be breach.

I need you to check, okay?

Holy shitfuck.

Uh, hey, man, I can do it.

Stay the fuck away from me, Laird.

Laird, this isn't for you.

Oh!

- I saw a foot. - Oh, God, oh, God.

- Okay, okay, it's breaching. - Oh my God, oh my God.

I can deliver. People do it every day.

Baby, we need to go to a hospital right now, okay?

Oh, God!

You're just like the rest of them.

You're all part of the fucking birth industrial complex!

It's a goddamn conspiracy.

- Okay... - I'm gonna deliver this baby by myself

like a teenager in the heartland if I have to!

Caroline, listen to me. Listen to me right now.

No. I'm shutting everybody out.

I'm not listening to any more bullshit with my ears.

I'm not gonna hear any of you ever again,

not ever, not ever, not ever once again.

- Laird? - What?

You need to get your wife out of the tub.

We're not married, okay?

I just wear this 'cause it makes me feel good.

Laird, I need you and she needs you to be a man right now.

But I'm not a man.

I'm a Jewish recovering junkie and I weigh 135 pounds!

Okay, I know you're scared right now,

but if there was ever a time to not be pathetic,

it's now.

I think later is my time.

That's when my time usually is, is later.

I'm gonna walk out the room,

you guys are gonna have a moment,

and you're gonna get her out of the tub.

Caroline...

you need to get out of the fucking tub!

Eat shit, bitch!

Desi, you really have to call me back.

We go on in half an hour. You missed our sound check.

It's fine. I'm honestly just worried about you,

but please, sweetie, just call me back.

Bye.

Any news we can use?

No, but, I mean, I'm sure he'll be here any second.

Yeah, he's probably just, like, around the corner.

Okay, all the blogs are here... "Brooklyn Vegan," "Pitchfork,"

"The Fader," "Iron Throng," "Bad Breath."

I know, and it's really unlike him.

Like, when it comes to his music, he's usually so punctual,

so I'm sure he's, like, about to get here.

Well, I mean, let's just hope he didn't Jeff Buckley it, right?

Do you mean drown?

Yeah, you know, Amy Winehouse it,

Janis Joplin it, Hendrix himself...

Um, yeah, I hope he didn't die either.

Hey, dudes. Ready to rock?

Is the ambulance here?

Um, I just Wazed it, and I think it's actually better if we walk.

I'm not walking, you fucking baby-murdering cuntmonster!

- Baby, it's okay. - Damn it, no, it's not okay.

Okay.

Stop fucking touching my feet, you asshole!

Get this fucking thing out of me!

What? Don't drop me, don't drop me.

This is pretty fucking disappointing.

I know.

No, I mean, like, madly disappointing.

I know.

But you're the one who said that it should feel

like we're all just in someone's garage.

No, that's actually not what I said.

What I... if you listened to what I said, what I said is,

"I like it when it feels like we're in someone else's garage," okay?

Don't twist my words around at your own convenience.

Listen to what I actually say.

Okay, um...

I'm really sorry.

No, no, please don't cry.

- What's going on? - Well, uh, Desi is not here

and it seems like he won't be here.

What?

Listen, let's just hope he's alive, okay?

Jesus Christ.

Yes, let's always hope everyone we like is alive.

I'm gonna just go introduce Violent Ron early.

You can go home, take a bath, and we'll check in tomorrow, okay?

What? No, fuck, no.

No one's going home, taking a bath.

You're gonna go up there and you're gonna do this by yourself.

What? No, I can't do that.

I don't think she's much of a solo artist.

- I don't think... - No, I actually got

my start as a solo artist

and I am perfectly capable of commanding such a crowd,

but these are Marnie and Desi songs.

I can't just do them alone.

Marnie, listen to me, okay?

And forgive the following sentence,

but all that matters right now

is that you keep the music alive.

That's what Desi would want.

Look, you want me to play guitar? I'm actually pretty good.

No.

I'm pretty good, too.

Don't worry about it, man. She cries all the time.

All the time.

♪ Pack up your suitcase, put on that dress ♪

♪ We can make the 7:45 express ♪

♪ And never look back, and when we grow old ♪

♪ It'll be a life of all the stories we told ♪

♪ 'Cause there's something in the air tonight ♪

♪ Maybe there's a fire burning out in Riverside... ♪

Oh, we have a baby, guys.

We have a bouncing-ass baby.

Where is it?

They put her in a nice, warm box.

- Thank fucking God. - What is it?

She is a sweet, sugary girl child.

Her name is Jessa-Hannah Bluebell Poem Schlesinger-Sackler.

Four and a half pounds of pure love and forgiveness.

You named it Jessa?

Well, they named it Jessa-Hannah.

As the... yeah, hyphenate... right.

Oh, my God.

I mean, you saved us.

You brought Jessa-Hannah Bluebell Poem into this world.

Oh, my God. I mean, I just... I just talked.

Well, you said more than words.

I did, didn't I?

♪ So you're closing the case as you're walking away ♪

♪ Maybe the truth would've helped up to now ♪

♪ But what you'd say you could never just say ♪

♪ Out loud ♪

- ♪ That now it cannot be denied... ♪ - I'm going to become a therapist.

I'm moving to Japan.

Oh, my God.

You're gonna be such a good therapist!

I know! You're gonna make a really great geisha.

♪ Maybe there's a fire burning out in Riverside. ♪

Thank you. Thank you so much.

- I'm shaking. - I can see that.

Oh, my God. That was the scariest thing I have ever done.

- How was it? - It was good, yeah.

It was really good. Really good.

- What's wrong with you? - Nothing.

Where's Desi? Did he come?

I don't know.

Jessa-Hannah.

You were just born.

- Jesus Christ. - That's your Uncle Adam.

And I'm gonna tell you some things about being alive.

Life, man...

I can't guarantee perfection, but I can guarantee intrigue.

The idea that I had an "ambilicord" is... is insane.

- Umbilical cord. - Umbilical cord.

You wanna just know that. It's a word you wanna know.

- Umbilical cord. - Yeah, good job.

Mimi-Rose and I are over.

Really?

I'm sorry to hear that. I know you really cared about her.

Mm, I don't know that I did. I don't think I really knew her.

Yeah, but isn't that how we always feel?

Like, when a relationship ends, you're like,

"What was that? Who was that?"

And then you give it a few months

and all the good memories come back

and you can kinda live with it, I think.

No, I just think I was confused.

And I think I made a mistake.

I miss you so badly.

I think I just got lost in it all.

And I didn't hold on to the right stuff

and I let my center move.

And I just got lost.

Hannah?

I think you're just really tired and that you had a really long day

and that you're gonna get some sleep and you're gonna feel all better.

No, I'm serious.

I'm sorry.

Really, I don't know where the fuck I've been at.

But, you know, I'm here now.

Yeah, I'm...

I can't do that.

Please?

I can't.

Yeah, you can.

I can't.

Okay.

That's fine.

Okay.

Honey, it's late.

- Were you sleeping? - No.

Mommy, I just saw a baby get born, okay?

Not a whole baby. First it was just the foot

and then it was the rest of the baby. But I did. I saw a baby.

It was the cutest thing in the entire world.

She's so small, but her name is Jessa-Hannah

and she seems real feisty.

That's nice, honey. Babies are sweet.

- Are you okay? - Oh, I'm fine.

I'll be fine.

The sad part is I don't really have a future.

You have a future, though, Hannah.

You're not like me, giving your life to one man who ate it all up.

You have time to go out there and forge something new.

You have time to go out there and forge ten new things,

not just reenact, re-imagine

the same old thing with the same foolish man.

Can I talk to Daddy?

Oh, sure. She wants to talk to you.

Hello?

Hi.

_

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