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1 You're the new sub, right?

I am, it's my first week...

I was just actually gonna ask if you wanted to maybe check out

this art show that I'm sure is going to be absolutely terrible...

- Hi, I'm Ace. - Oh, Hannah.

- Mimi's former partner. - Oh God, I'm Hannah,

Adam's former partner.

She's a bad, bad girl... who knows what works...

We live together.

Enjoy it while it lasts, 'cause I'm gonna get her back.

Balled her!

- He's with you now... - Well if you actually did

want him back, I might say you can have him.

This is the whole reason why I set you up with her...

so that I could get Ace.

I just wanted to tell you that I really like Mimi-Rose...

Congratulations... and I just wanted to say that I get it.

Sync & corrections by PetaG - www.MY-SUBS.com -

- Wow. - Yeah?

- I feel really good, like we cracked it. - I guess so.

Oh, I was feeling so angry at you,

but I feel like you're really supporting my tenure now.

I am, I do, of course. I'm so proud of you.

Of us, even.

Get a load of those two, the dread on their faces?

- Jesus. - I know.

Uh, I feel there's something I want to share with you.

- You do? - Yeah, I do. Uh...

I've been thinking lately that I'm... I'm-I'm gay.

What?

Not lately, actually. For a while.

Shut up, Tad.

- What is this, one of your stupid pranks? - No, it's not.

Loreen, you have to listen to me. I think I'm gay.

- You think? - No, I am.

I don't think, I am.

- No, you're not. - Why are you saying that?

Oh, please, you're not gay.

I think it would've come up.

It is coming up right now. I'm serious.

This is ridiculous. We were in therapy two seconds ago.

- You weren't gay in there. - Yes, I was.

I just didn't want to share it with her.

That is who you're supposed to be sharing it with,

our therapist who we pay.

Yeah, I just couldn't do it. I don't trust her.

- I call bullshit on this. - Excuse me?

You are unhappy, Tad. You're not gay.

You're just making this up because you're a little bit chickenshit.

I'm not making this up. I really don't think I'm making this up.

You cannot stand the fact that I got tenure before you did, can you?

That's what this is about. At the end of the day,

every single fucking thing comes down to misogyny, doesn't it?

Can you hear yourself right now?

This is a real display, is what this is.

You wait till your hand is on the doorknob of our therapist's office

to tell me some lie about being gay?

Just man up, say you don't want to fuck me!

You think that's what this is?

That I want to be saying this?

I think you want to be saying it because you're saying it.

You're saying it to me right now, right fucking now.

All right, in hindsight, this actually seems like some pretty terrible timing.

I wasn't planning it.

I wanted to wait until after your tenure party.

- I knew it was about that. - Oh, fuck!

I need to tell you this. I have to tell you this,

if for one second you can try to fathom

that this is not all about you.

It's not not about me, Tad.

It's not not.

Okay, guys, Miss Pontbriand's gonna be back on Monday

and, unlike me, she's not easy.

She's not gonna tolerate a half-finished haiku.

They're very short, there are very few syllables, so just go for it.

What else do you have to do? You're children.

Have a great weekend.

- 'Sup, Cleo? - I don't even know.

Is he being weird again?

He's being so weird.

He basically hasn't talked to me since Tuesday

when he Facebook messaged me.

Today he followed Tessa to the 13th-floor gym

and asked her if she was into porn.

Ew. Is she into porn?

I don't know. I don't even know how he would know.

Listen, I don't like him for you.

I don't like anyone here for you.

I've checked out every guy in this school

and none of them are cute.

I don't even like him, I'm just bored.

I like Shia LaBeouf, though.

Well, Shia LaBeouf's famous,

so it's not like you're gonna make that connection... So...

He lives in my building.

He is hot.

And I like the kind of, like, light criminal activity.

I think I can help him.

I don't even like Mark. He has HPV.

He has HPV?

I mean, the disease itself isn't that big a deal.

It's just kinda crazy he has it when he's 14.

He had sex with a girl in Poland.

Like, a Polish girl?

Like, a girl from Long Island who was on his team tour.

Oh, my God, where did they do it? Like, the hotel?

Auschwitz.

They had sex at Auschwitz?

- Hi. - Hello.

Hi, Cleo.

Hi, Mr. Parker. Cool T-shirt.

Oh, thanks. Yeah, my mom got it for me. _

Cool.

- Okay. - Okay.

Okay, you just made that so awkward.

- No, I didn't. - Yes, you did.

You want to get something pierced?

I have a class at 2:00 pm, so...

I do, too.

Okay.

Like, upper ear cartilage or like something else?

Mr. Parker left the date because he was embarrassed. He felt belittled.

Yeah, but then he hasn't mentioned it at all since or followed up remotely.

Yeah, because he thinks you don't like him, so he's being coy.

But I do like him. I think.

I don't know yet.

It seems to me you've made poor relationship choices in the past.

Your ex seems really damaged.

He is really damaged.

Oh, my God, Cleo, you are so wise.

♪ I know you're never gonna wake up... ♪

It's so weird because this song

is about everything we were just talking about.

♪ I know I shouldn't ever call back ♪

- ♪ Or let you come back ♪ - ♪ Or let you, ooh, ooh ♪

♪ Every time you touch me and say you love me... ♪

Work it, girls! I like what I'm seeing!

♪ I shouldn't want it... ♪

Please! We're children!

♪ I got one less, one, baby, yeah... ♪

- Come on. - Go, run!

Come here, sexy love.

- Hi. - Hi.

What's happening?

Uh, are you ready to be stoked right now?

Uh, yeah. What's up?

What's up is the contents of this fucking amazing box

that are about to change our lives forever.

- I mean... - What?

I just... I have no idea what these are.

Okay, let me tell you. I'll walk you through this.

- What these are... - Mm-hmm.

...are the tightest fucking German guitar pedals

ever made in history, okay?

These pedals... baby, these...

- These pedals are so sick. - Yeah?

These pedals single-handedly created the distortion

that became the My Bloody Valentine sound.

Uh-huh.

They're gonna do the same thing for us, I promise you.

I didn't know we were looking for a new sound.

Well, maybe not right now, but down the road.

Thinking second album, third album.

- You're so excited. - Oh, my God.

Oh, my God, it was such a sick deal, too.

I couldn't pass it up.

- How much were they? - $2,000.

Are you fucking serious?

No way.

- I'm like, ah! - Wait, Desi.

That is our entire advance.

$2,000?

Yeah. I mean, the guy had no idea what he had.

Desi, there's nothing on this entire fucking planet

that's worth our whole advance.

Whoa, I'm, like, so super confused right now, babe.

I thought you'd be psyched.

No, no. Why?

Why on Earth would I be excited about this?

Marn, this is our art,

right? This is what we do.

This box makes our art stronger, hon.

No, those have to be returned now.

Okay, even if I wanted to return them,

which I powerfully do not,

that's not happening, okay, babe?

The guy's halfway to Toronto by now.

- Oh, my God. - They're not going back, hon.

I cannot believe this. $2,000, Desi.

Do you know what else that could've bought?

$2,000 on that?

I cannot believe you're being such a fuckin' bitch about this.

- Fuck you, Desi. - I'm walking.

- Fuck you! - All right!

Go think about this decision you made.

Thanks for ruining my day!

Rain cloud.

Fuck.

The thing is, if you really like him,

you have to make it clear that you're young, fun, and flaky.

Okay, Jessa, I stopped taking advice from you quite some time ago.

Yeah, and notice that since then

you have been unemployed with a sandy, broken vagina.

I'm going through the same thing right now, Shoshanna,

with regards to Ace.

I've shown up at two of his commercial shoots,

and one time I was dressed as a little match girl,

and since then I haven't picked up one of his calls.

Ace tries to tell me that, like, he's not in a sexual place right now,

but one more day of radio silence

and he will be knocking at our front door, naked.

I mean, this is kind of your gift.

It's kind of my gift?

Shoshanna, I have four fucking suicide attempts under my belt,

men who just couldn't live without me.

Ace is different. He's, like,

so self-possessed and random.

Scott is so amazing, too.

I mean, he's smart, he's handsome.

How the fuck am I supposed to make an impression on that?

You have to, you know, employ an element of surprise.

Ooh, like jump out from behind something and scare him?

No, like show him an act of love when he least expects it.

What about a frenulum piercing?

- What? - Your frenulum.

It's like that webbing under your tongue.

And there's no way your mom would ever see that.

- That's gross. - I think it's cool.

I think it's, like, sexual, but not too on the nose.

And it could be like a friendship thing.

- We'll both do it. - Okay.

Excuse me?

Could we get two best "friendulum" piercings, please?

Who wants to go first?

She does.

Which earring?

I like the barbell. That's kind of badass.

Gold ring.

Yeah, I think the gold ring's by far the way to go.

- Can you hold this? - Yeah, of course.

Oh, look, he is basically ready.

So you just plop down there.

Just breathe. It's really...

it's gonna be a chill process, for sure.

So, just so you know, he's just getting the clamp ready.

He's putting a little bit of a solution on the needle,

which seems like a good sign.

Now he's just gonna take the needle...

Putting the clamp.

Are... are you doing it?

It's going right in...

Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!

- Okay. - Ow! Ow! Ow!

Cleo, you okay?

- Ah! - Ow! Ow!

I can't do this. She's moving too much.

Okay, you're moving too much,

- so just pull this hand down. - Ow! Ow! Ow!

It's halfway through. You need to calm down.

- Just shove it through. - Stop, stop...

Just push it through.

Just push it through. It's okay.

- Ow! Ow! - It's okay.

It's okay, just push it right through.

- Don't... Cleo... - Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!

- Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! - Just keep it down.

Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!

Stop, stop, stop, stop.

It's almost done. It's almost done, okay?

Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!

It's through, Cleo.

Cleo, it looks so good.

Are you gonna go now?

Fuck, no.

You said you were gonna go.

Listen, let's get friendship necklaces,

friendship bracelets.

But that was fucking heinous to watch.

You're such a pussy.

Listen, as an older woman and as your friend,

a great lesson I can teach you

is that it's okay to change your mind.

Show me.

So cool!

Hi, guys. Do you live in the district and have a moment

No.

to talk about the upcoming election?

I don't know, I think we should go.

Okay, Ray, you need to step up your game.

- Step up my game? - Yeah.

Hi, do you live in the district and...

Hi, excuse me. This is Ray Ploshansky.

He's running for community board chairperson.

He's in favor of no taxes and also free bagels every morning before 11:00.

All right, I'm in.

Wonderful, thank you.

- See you later. - I'll see you later.

- Oh, not if I see you first. - Not if I see you first.

All right, Tarzan, let's wrap it up.

Let's get you down the block. Thank you.

- What the fuck was that? - I'm campaigning.

Shosh, you can't just lie to people. You know?

Honesty is the one thing separating me from other politicians.

Ray, no politician is a fan of honesty.

You have to focus on results.

The fact that you're not already running

a Fortune 500 company is baffling to me.

Okay, please, please, can we not talk about my stifled job situation?

My brain really needs a repose.

Sure.

- So how's the love life? - Seriously, Ray?

Shosh, I think we should be able to talk about this sort of stuff by now.

- Don't you think? - Okay.

Well, then, since you asked, I happen to have a date

with a man who is very much intriguing to me.

Is that weird for you?

No. No, I think that's great.

I think you deserve someone who's very much intriguing.

- How about you? - Me? I got nothin'.

Crickets and tumbleweeds, that's what I got.

I went on, um, eHarmony the other day.

Yeah, but I didn't even start the process of actually...

- Ray! - Would you like a flyer?

- Ray, that's wonderful. - Yeah.

My best friend Zeva met her soul mate on eHarmony.

And he used to be a professional baseball player,

so there's no stigma.

No, no, it's not that. It's not a...

There's someone I know I don't want to be with.

Like, I know it.

I know we're not the right fit, I get it.

But despite that, there's, you know...

it's one of those things where you're waiting for your heart

to catch up to your brain.

Ray, you are going to find somebody, I promise,

who is so much more right for you than I ever was.

Shosh, that's so sweet of you to say.

I appreciate it, but I'm actually not talking about you right now.

Well, then who are...

fucking Marnie?!

Okay, you don't need to... volume.

Where are you going?

I'm campaigning over here. Excuse me, sir!

- Okay, you don't... - Ray Ploshansky!

You okay?

I got two bottles of Riesling.

Riesling's too sweet.

No one likes it.

- Should I get something else? - Don't bother.

Whoa, hey, slow it down, my brother.

- Hey. - Hey.

- How's it goin'? - Yeah, it's goin'.

Just ol' National History Day.

I just wanted to apologize about our date the other night.

That was not the way that I wanted to act.

I kinda really messed that one up.

I kinda got away from myself and...

before the shit hit the fan, I was having an amazing time.

Well, I appreciate that. Thanks. Yeah, no worries.

I've been trying to make some kinda better choices in my life

and, you know, new choices,

and I think one of those choices would be to hang out with you.

- And, you know, make up for the nonsense. - Oh, yeah.

Yeah.

Uh, I can't do that.

Okay, can you explain why you can't do it?

Is it, like, a scheduling issue? Or...

Yeah, look, um,

you're a very smart and, uh, unusual person,

and I like talking with you very much.

- Ditto. - Cool.

But I'm just trying to, you know, not be so attracted to drama.

Uh, on the whole.

To lead a calmer life, as Mary J. Blige tells us to.

My ex entirely drained my bank account...

- I'm sorry. -...and then... well, thank you...

finished it off by-by pouring battery acid on my plants.

Well, you wouldn't have to worry about that with me

'cause I don't even know where you'd find battery acid.

You, like, chop open a bunch of batteries?

That would take hours, like making pomegranate juice.

Hannah, Hannah, I'm trying to be gentle here.

Fran, I'm not the person that you think I am.

I think you are exactly the person that I think you are.

I think you're not the person that you think you are.

I think that's where the confusion is.

- Uh-uh. - Yuh-huh.

Look, just hear me on this, okay, please?

- You can walk away... - Okay.

- and I'm just gonna leave you with this. - Okay.

And percolate on it over the weekend like your little coffee machine.

Just...

You're attracted to me, you're intrigued by me,

you think I'm a wild horse and you want to tame me.

I understand all of that. It's the new frontier of misogyny.

Take a woman who's in control of her life

and then silence her.

And I'm up for it.

- 'Sup? - Hey, Rider. Hey, Rainbow.

Okay, she published all of your emails on her Tumblr?

Yeah. I'm telling you, she lost her mind.

She decided that I was the embodiment of the white male oppressor.

- Yeah. - And I was like, "Did I not just pay

for your cat's dialysis?"

Bitches be cray.

Yes, thank you.

Well, anyway, thank you so much for joining me for a meal

even though I know we got off on a strange foot.

No, it's... I'm a renegade.

You know, things get crazy for me and, like, you wouldn't be the first. So...

Yeah, I'm also totally unemployed,

so I can pretty much be anywhere at any time.

Well, you won't be unemployed for long 'cause you're a real doer.

That's totally what I thought,

but this whole experience has been, like, so disheartening.

I was so sure that I was gonna be able to show, like, all of my failure friends

how easy it was to have a viable job,

but, no, I'm now a failure, too.

Okay, we don't use those words...

"failure," "pathetic," "loser," "lame."

- Okay. - Okay?

Okay.

What about "lamesauce"?

Um, okay, yeah.

"Lamesauce" is okay. I'll accept that.

- Okay. - That one's fine.

Hi, Shanaz!

Yay! Hello!

Shanaz, can we get "Watchtower"?

It's those annoying Seventh-day Adventists again.

So I guess it takes you getting tenure

to finally get you over here, huh?

Well, you know what they say,

there's no party like a tenure party.

Who the hell says that?

- It's, ah, Riesling. It's too sweet. - Oh.

- Thank you. - It's not too sweet.

If the Germans like it, how sweet can it be?

That's wonderful of you. I'm so glad.

We might not have enough to eat otherwise.

Well, what can we do to help?

I know what would be extremely helpful.

How about if you drank this drink,

you walk with me a little bit, allow me to brag,

and then I'm gonna show you the galleys of my new book.

- How about that? - That sounds lovely, delicious.

- Here we go. - Okay, cheers.

- Girls, catch you in a minute. - Have fun, boys.

Good luck, Tad. You may need the whole bottle.

Oh, I invited Gregg and Thyme.

I know you hate them, but I had to do it.

Oh, come on, they have those Hello Kitty lunchboxes.

- They're nice. - Hello Kitty?

Okay, I know it's not your style to be the center of attention,

but you worked for this.

This is about you now.

I am so proud of you.

Oh, and furthermore, fuck that little classicist

who thought she was gonna get your job.

Fuck her right in her tiny little fuckface.

It is good to know I never have to move again.

Is that it? You always play everything down.

This is your party.

- Yay, your party! - Whoo! Whoo!

Avi, this is fantastic. I'm so happy for you.

You're very kind.

So how's yours coming?

Aw, you know, dribs and drabs.

It's sort of a weird time for me.

Yeah, honestly,

- I was sort of wondering about that. - Yeah.

Yeah, I hope you don't mind my asking,

but are things okay with you and Loreen?

Oh, yeah.

I noticed things looked, well, sort of strained.

Well, it's a challenging moment, to be sure.

Strange, you know? I mean, I'm wondering,

how late is too late to change?

You ever get that feeling?

Listen, this is something everybody goes through.

Trust me, Shanaz and I have been through it many, many times.

Really?

I mean, like, he was 12 years older than...

I mean, sorry, he is 12 years older than I am

- 'cause he's not dead. So... - Yeah.

And I was like, "I wanna to be inspired by someone.

I wanna be excited by someone.

I wanna really respect somebody."

And I do, I do respect him because he's his own man,

and that totally takes courage,

but he's also, like, a little bitch.

Yeah, I-I get it.

My-my ex, I think she just wanted to be the wife

of a successful business guy, you know?

And-and go to parties that Ivanka Trump would be at

and buy a $17,000 couch,

and that just was never gonna work for me

'cause I... I want to watch someone soar.

Yeah, me, too.

But enough about the past.

- Yeah. - Let's look towards the future.

Totally. Forward-looking. That's the way to be.

Like, I want to know more about the future...

of your cock.

Excuse me?

Yeah, I want to know more about the future of your,

um, big hard cock when I put my hand around it

and it gets so hard, and then I shove it

into my slimy vagina like a... like one of the Stalley pickles.

What? It's not funny.

Sorry, it was kind of funny.

Shoshanna, I like you, okay?

And I also like the thought of your hand on my cock,

but not when half of the cast of "The Good Wife" is at the bar.

What? Oh, my God.

- Oh, my God. - You see 'em?

- Oh, my God. - I know.

- That's Josh Charles. - I know.

- He died. - I know, he's alive.

Oh, my God.

You guys don't know how lucky you have it.

I mean, your Hannah's a creative, what all children should be.

- Soraya is so... - What?

Look, I don't want to be a bitch.

She's my daughter, I love her,

but she's boring.

Only you would be bored by a daughter

who's an infant cardiac surgeon,

- for Christ's sake. - What could I do?

- Lana smoked meth. - Oh, Gregg.

Well, she did. We found out she was smoking meth,

so it could always be worse.

How the hell could it be worse than that?

She's a creative. She's a professional dancer.

Oh, well, that's... it's fine, then, yeah.

Well, uh...

I just want to...

- I just want to make a toast. - Oh!

Uh-oh, should I get out the sleeping bags?

This gonna be an all-nighter?

No, I promise to make it short.

- I just want to say that... - Good.

...tonight I'm so proud of my wife.

- Aw. - I am, my life partner.

My closest friend.

You're everything to me.

And these years have been a gift.

And this honor is well-deserved.

Beyond that, it's inevitable.

And it's everything that-that you... th-that we-we wanted.

What?

What I'm feeling is something akin to pride.

Excuse me.

I cannot stand to listen to this bullshit for one more second.

- Bullshit? - Just not now, Tad.

- Loreen. - Not now.

Come on.

Listen, she's-she's had a very big night.

I really think we should just-just enjoy ourselves,

just-just eat, just finish dinner.

- Yeah. Yeah. - Let's just eat, okay?

- Good idea. - Yeah, thanks, Av.

Quick!

- Jesus, Avi. - No, super quiet. Just be quiet.

What? What?

Oh, God.

Are you insane? Stop it.

You didn't stop it up at the lake last summer.

That was a mistake. Just please stop.

Listen, I know how things are. I know you're having problems.

- I know it, he told me. - He told you?

Listen to me. I love you.

I love you, and I've got to tell you now

on the eve of your tenure. I love you.

My feelings for you are getting stronger every single day.

This is insane. You have completely lost it. Just let go of me.

Listen to me, I see you. I see the pain that you're in.

It's coming off you like a stink.

You have no idea. Just leave me alone.

Jesus, what bad fucking timing.

All right, sorry.

You needn't mock me.

I'm not mocking you. I'm not mock...

Just take a shower or something.

Hey.

- Hi. - Hey.

I'm really sorry, you know?

Okay.

I was so selfish and, like...

After I left, I was just taking a walk and...

you know, I started thinking about my old man

and I feel really ashamed, Marn.

Good.

Hey, Marn, can you stop typing for a sec, please?

Do you mind if I sit down?

Look, Marn...

No, listen...

I am not a materialistic person at all.

This is what tore my parents' marriage apart.

This is a real fucking thing for me.

Money destroys couples.

- I couldn't agree... - It destroys trust

when one person in a couple

is misallocating funds and is misusing the

- money - Marnie,

please, baby, shut up for a sec. There's something I need to tell you.

What the fuck is your problem?

Can you just... I gotta say some...

I gotta say something here.

- Okay. - Can I talk?

Yes, talk. Jesus Christ.

Today was the very last day of my life

that I ever want to make a decision without you.

Good.

What's happening?

I'd always swore that I would never get married

until my gay cousin Destin could,

but I can't wait any longer, baby.

Marnie Michaels, will you marry me?

I love you.

Des!

I'm confused. I'm so confused.

So maybe you're wrong.

I don't think I'm wrong.

How do you know?

Because this is the hardest thing

I've ever done in my life, and I'm doing it.

And truthfully I watch a lot of gay pornography.

Oh, God.

So...

you want to suck a dick now?

That's what you want to do?

You don't have to be vulgar.

No, I just want to know if you mean it.

You want a dick in your mouth?

- Loreen... - You want to suck someone else's dick?

- Okay. - Or do you wanna

put it in somebody's ass...

- All right. - ...like in a...

It's probably Avi.

He's in love with me.

Oh, no, it's Hannah. Hannah, our daughter.

I'm not telling her. You have to tell her.

I'm not ruining her childhood.

I'm not telling her her whole life has been a lie.

All right, I'll tell her. I will.

Hi.

- Hi, Mommy. - Tell her.

Not now, not on the telephone.

- Just tell her. - No.

Tell me what? Wait, Mom, I need to ask you something.

Do you think I'm a dramatic person?

'Cause this guy that I like,

or like don't even like...

I went on one half date with him and he claims to like me...

- Sweetie. - ...says I am too dramatic.

I'm not dramatic. I'm a person who's not gonna sugarcoat things.

- Sweets. - I'm a person

who really gets a lot

- out of life. - Hey, Hannah?

Okay, and I'm also a person who sees the darkness in life.

I'm not a fucking character on "The Hills."

I'm responding to real issues.

I'm responding to the financial crisis.

I'm responding to the fact that so many people are homeless.

- Hey... hey, Hannah? - If that makes me dramatic,

if that makes me Courtney Love,

you know, then I can handle that,

but the thing is, it's like there's no way...

Hannah! Your father is gay.

Uh...

Sync & corrections by PetaG - www.MY-SUBS.com -

♪ Ketty kept the list of times ♪

♪ Now that she had really gone and done it ♪

♪ So we swarmed like flies ♪

♪ Pretending that we were terrified, too ♪

♪ We snuck out that night ♪

♪ Rolled the Chrysler down the driveway ♪

♪ But once we were inside ♪

♪ Couldn't figure out where we were off to ♪

♪ That was before ♪

♪ We had made ♪

♪ Any terrible mistakes ♪

♪ That's just teenage talk ♪

♪ I don't think the past is better, better ♪

♪ Just 'cause it's cased in glass ♪

♪ Protecting us from our now and later ♪

♪ How do you see me now ♪

♪ Now that I'm a little bit older, older? ♪

♪ Never mind the albatross ♪

♪ Smoldering on my shoulder, shoulder ♪

♪ Shoulder, shoulder. ♪