Original subtitles

(Tessa) Some say your wedding day is the most romantic day

of your life.

But others would argue, it's the day after your wedding.

Good morning, Mrs. Lafrique.

Good morning, Mr. Mrs. Lafrique.

Ugh! While it may be perfectly legal for you two

to consummate this marriage as often as you like

'I doubt it's gonna get you to school on time.'

Oh! Sorry, dear! I'm behind on my hoovering!

Oh! Are they consummating?

- Yeah. - Aww.

Does "Consummating" mean what I think it means?

Are they [beep]?

That's what I thought it meant.

Okay, out! All of you, out!

- Okay. - So sensitive.

This is why people don't have their weddings

on a school night.

[theme music]

♪ Last night I had ♪

♪ A pleasant nightmare ♪

♪ Ta-da-da-da ♪

♪ Ta da da ♪

(Tessa) Hiya.

(Tessa) Lisa and Malik's wedding

was notable for another reason.

It was the first school night in my whole entire life

that dad didn't come home.

You didn't actually think that you were gonna sneak in

the back door unnoticed, did you?

Okay. So, hello. Good morning.

And, yes, you may have noticed that I'm wearing

last night's clothes, but that's only because--

I don't really need you to paint the picture

for me on this one, George, but thanks.

So, let me just say that the assumption you made

is correct, and yes, although Dallas

and I s-spent the night visiting with one another--

"Visiting?" Is that what people your age call it?

It doesn't mean anything, we're not...

I-it was a one-time thing, okay?

We're all adults and it was a totally harmless

and unremarkable event.

It was a huge mistake! Our lives are ruined!

Poor mommy. I know how you feel.

My mouth almost hooked up with a piece of wedding cake

but luckily, I pulled out at the last minute.

Dalia, why would I do such a stupid thing?

Because it was a wedding and you were alone

and Daddy Altman looks good in a suit

and the scent of Jasmine was in the air

and Jasmine makes you horny

and "A Different World" was a great show

and whatever happened to Jasmine guy

and you and Daddy Altman were meant to be.

I will say...

The sex was amazing.

Whoo-hoo! Shamwow, baby!

That's what I'm talking about!

Did you, uh, do it animal style?

What does that mean?

I think it's with sauteed onions?

Okay. Then, no. No, we didn't.

But I will say, I needed that.

Dallas kinda rocked my world.

And we both totally know what it's like

to get some good, good sex.

It's just like, whoops!

I totally just had awesome sex all over the place.

You have children, so I know you've been with a woman

but I got to say, it sounds like you haven't.

I will take that as a compliment.

(Tessa) 'Whoa, this says you guys are allowed'

to cheat off one another.

That, that can't be right.

No, it's true, in addition to a bank account

married classmates can legally share a GPA.

And we also get to share a marriage locker.

[gasps] Look, sweetie, it's a double-wide!

Wow, pretty sweet.

Oh, we also decided to get

a new joint email account.

So from now on, you can reach us both

at lisaandmalikunitedinlove17@ computerforyou.com.

There were 16 other "lisaandmalikunitedinlove"

accounts at computerforyou.com?

Open your eyes, Tessa. Love is all around.

(Tessa) Lisa was right. It seemed like wherever I looked

people had things going on in their lives.

Lisa and Malik had their new marriage to share.

George had a crazy wedding hookup

and my ex-boyfriend, Ryan, had June.

Watching them dance at Lisa's wedding

made that painfully obvious.

But me, I was done with love

and, for now, I just needed a way to occupy myself.

It's good to see you back at the club, George. We've missed you.

Well, it's-it's-it's good to be here. Thank you for inviting me.

Uh-oh!

Looks like someone ordered

the sauteed onions.

What's that supposed to mean?

Oh, nothing, dear.

It's good to see you, Dallas. You're looking well.

You too, daddy. Is this seat taken?

- Dallas, what are you doing? - What do you mean?

Isn't this a little inappropriate?

How so?

George, could you pass the sugar, please?

(Dallas) 'Oh, I'll pass it.'

[instrumental music]

(Tessa) Fantasizing about Dallas had become a full-time job.

It's a problem. I don't know what to do.

It's really interfering with my work.

Is it?

Well, maybe these designs

are just ahead of their time.

I, for one, would love a buttocks bonus room.

It's not even that I have feelings for Dallas

or I want to get back together, but...

It's just that night. I can't get it out of my head.

She's really under my skin, Fred.

You know, when I accidentally feel something

I write a letter.

- A letter, to who? - To no one.

In one glorious letter, you get it all out.

Nothing is too taboo or risque.

And then, when the letter is writ, you tuck it away

somewhere safe, and then you never read it

or think about it or feel any of those feelings ever again.

- How many of these-- - Three hundred and forty-six.

- I see. - Yeah.

Well, it's worth a shot.

Hey, hey, hey, and may I keep these?

I really wanna try to sell Sheila

on adding a breastfast nook.

(Tessa) With my best friend off nesting and no boyfriend to speak of

I had no other choice but to find a new circle...

A knitting circle.

I was the first girl in my town to straddle a bicycle seat.

- Wow! Trailblazer. - Mm-hmm.

Oh, hey, George.

- Is that your brother? - He's my dad.

He lets you call him "George?"

- He tolerates it. - 'Is he single?'

- Gertrude, knock it off! - What?

Just because I'm 80, doesn't mean I'm not...still horny.

[giggling]

Uh, Tessa, could I speak with you for a moment?

Um...w-what the hell is that?

That's my quilting circle. Aren't they a hoot?

Since when do you have a quilting circle?

Ever since I found myself with no friends

activities or a love life.

They're helping me quilt a wedding present

for Lisa and Malik

and providing awesome stories

and a super-cool hang.

Uh-huh. Y-you don't think they're a little old for you?

Psshaw! Don't be ageist, George.

We're seniors.

[bell ringing]

(Tessa) 'Hi, newlyweds.'

- Hi. - Hello.

Is something wrong?

Now that we're married, we decided

'that Malik should handle our finances'

and I should handle our social calendar.

- Great. - Not great.

He's nickel-and-diming me.

I'm not nickel-and-diming you.

I'm just pointing out that your special-order vegan entrees

cost three times what a normal person's meal--

I am not a normal person! I am an above-average person.

Or I used to be, before your 2.4 GPA

dragged mine through the mud.

Great. Y-you forgot my grandmother's birthday.

We just merged calendars today!

Which happens to be her birthday!

Fine. We'll send flowers.

You know who doesn't have any of these problems?

Esther, Kay, Gertrude and Harriet.

All their husbands are dead and buried.

Must be nice for them.

I can't wait to be dead. Trust me.

(Tessa) For Lisa and Malik, the honeymoon was over

but I was in the best relationship of my life.

(Gertrude) Come on, ladies. Let's hit the road.

But it's still early.

Oh, for you maybe, but we're pretty tired

and we need to get home to take out our teeth and hair

and eyeballs so we can relax.

Okay, that's cool, but you guys are coming back tomorrow, right?

Because I have the whole day clear.

We'll be here, Tessa, so climb off our jockstraps.

See ya.

(Tessa) Maybe I was being a little clingy

but my heart was in the right place.

Meanwhile, George struggled to make sense

of what he was feeling.

Letter writing didn't seem like the answer.

But song writing did.

[guitar music]

And by morning, George had a song and I had...

Oh, dear.

- Hi, gals. - 'Oh!'

What the hell is this?

I have been up all night. Isn't it great?

Your hand is bleeding.

Oh, yeah. This happened around 4:00 am.

My eyes aren't as sharp as my needles are.

That's an old person's joke.

A-and that's an eye-glass leash.

Even I don't wear one of those.

Tessa, dear, this Afghan is completed!

You're too young to be staying in-inside

with a bunch of old biddies.

You should be out there

being groped by a young man in a pork-pie hat.

What? No!

No, that sounds terrible. We don't need men.

The five of us are stitched together.

We're a sewing sisterhood.

Sister, you must me mad!

T-there's not one of us here

who wouldn't bag and sell the others

just to feel it again.

Feel what again?

- Love. - Moisture.

Anyhow, you've still got your original hips and knees.

You should be out there using them.

Yes. Why don't you go on a date with Kay's grandson?

- Oh! - 'He's around your age.'

I-if it's important to the sisterhood, yeah, I'll do it.

You're 30, right?

- I'm 17. - Oh, Esther has one your age.

He's got freckles!

(Tessa) While the sisterhood tried to force me back

into the dating scene

George was still feeling the aftershocks

of his one night stand.

- Between whose thighs? - Whoa. What?

Whose thighs were you singing about just now?

- Was I singing? - Yes.

It was very sultry.

Oh, well, that's weird

because I-I didn't even realize I was singing.

Must have been something I heard on the radio.

Sing it again. I'll Shazam it.

I'm, actually, I'm, uh, I gotta take care of some things.

Uh, I-I want to Shazam it, George. Let me Shazam it.

Well, no, Sheila. Why do you care?

George, I like to stay on top of what's current.

(Tessa) Monopoly time at the Shay's.

I'm always the boot. I have to be the boot.

And that's how I feel about the iron.

And the newlyweds were finding the games they played

before marriage were no longer fun.

- The iron? - The best piece on the board!

The iron is... Oh, my God. I feel like I don't know you.

No one suspects the iron. They discount it.

And slowly, it irons its way to victory.

You sound like an idiot!

Okay, what's going on over there?

Nothing! Nothing.

Just having a little marital dispute

over which game piece is the best.

- The iron. - It is not the iron!

So Malik plays the iron, and Lisa's the boot.

What's the problem?

- We can do that? - Mm-hmm.

I just thought since we were married--

We had to share everything.

Goodness, no! Being married, you share less.

When you're dating, it's all sunshine and breastfast rooms.

But when you're married, you finally get to be

who you really are, which, in Malik's case--

Is the worst piece on the whole board.

- Isn't that the thimble? - Shut up, June.

Victor!

Sorry. I thought we were all thinking it.

(Fred) 'No, we were not all thinking it.'

[whispering] I was.

(Tessa) Fred and Sheila's advice came just in time.

As for George, the cure for what ailed him

came from a less expected source.

What's this?

Sign up sheet for the open mic.

Open mic?

That is why you're here, isn't it?

I mean, you've been singing

to yourself for the past 20 minutes.

Uh-uh... Uh, yeah, of course.

That's, that's why I'm here.

(Tessa) While George prepared to pour his heart out

I tried to find space in mine for Arthur.

Well...

Esther's grandson.

That was fun.

- Oh! - Oh.

I'm so sorry, Arthur. You seem like a really nice boy.

I'm just going through a really heavy crafting period

right now, and I don't have romantic feelings

for anyone. Least of all, you.

Well, I feel like you could have mentioned that a little earlier

before I wasted my Saturday night and 50 bucks.

- I ordered a side salad. - You added chicken.

(Tessa) The truth was, I was more of an old lady

than those old ladies were.

But, unlike them, I was fine with it

and I was home in time to organize my yarn.

Before I start, I'd just like to thank the bartender

for lending me his guitar.

You guys like country music?

Yeah, me neither, but, uh, that's just how

this one came out, so...

[clears throat]

♪ I've never been a traveling man ♪

♪ Felt the city made me who I am ♪

♪ But still sometimes I'm inclined to take a leave ♪

♪ In the north I know I'd meet with harm ♪

♪ And the west it never held no charm ♪

♪ But there is one place that's got its hooks in me ♪

♪ If I could choose myself ♪

♪ Honey I'd lose myself ♪

♪ In Dallas ♪

♪ Hmm ♪

♪ Oh the weather gets much hotter there ♪

♪ Comes a feeling that I can't compare ♪

♪ And Dallas made a prisoner out of me ♪

♪ I couldn't stay although I'd wanted to ♪

♪ But Dallas leaves me black and blue ♪

♪ But I'm lost when I'm not in your company ♪

♪ If I could choose myself ♪

♪ I'm trying to tell you I would lose myself ♪

♪ When I'm beside myself ♪

♪ I have to remind myself ♪

♪ When I can't feel myself ♪

♪ The only way to heal myself ♪

♪ Is in Dallas ♪♪

[crowd applauding]

Thank you.

(Tessa) After a standing ovation and one encore

George decided to visit the actual Dallas

who'd been waiting to hear what, if anything

that one night meant to him.

♪ Say something ♪

♪ I'm giving up on... ♪

I didn't know if I should call

or...not call.

Well, somehow you managed to do both.

Right.

So, hey, ever since

the other night, I just feel

that everything has been

flowing for me, creatively.

And I'm not...mad at you anymore.

Not for any of it.

I know our hooking up was weird

but I honestly feel it freed me.

♪ Say something ♪

♪ I'm giving up on you... ♪

Well, great. You're free.

What, did I, say something wrong?

No, but you didn't say anything right.

Look, for you, it might have been fun and freeing.

But for me, it-it wasn't.

It's-it's messy. And it shouldn't have happened.

Okay, come on. Dallas, don't be like this.

Can't we just be friends?

♪ I... ♪

No offense, George, but being friends with you is about

as much fun as being kicked in the gut by a donkey.

♪ I'm still learning to love... ♪

(Tessa) George didn't want a fight, but Dallas did.

She wanted George to fight for her

and I knew how she felt.

♪ Say something... ♪

'Heading back?'

Yeah.

I got a big geology final this week.

If I don't figure out what that means pretty soon

I'm gonna be in trouble.

♪ That I couldn't get to you... ♪

- Well, it was nice seeing you. - Yeah.

It was good seeing you, too.

I'm glad this is so normal.

- What? - Us.

I'm glad that we can be friends. It's nice.

Yeah. Me too.

Okay, well, I-I guess I'll see you when you're

back in town for the holidays.

Actually, it looks like I'm gonna be in Vail this year

with June and her family.

♪ And I... ♪

Oh.

I've never been away for the holidays before

but I guess it'd be stupid to...pass it up.

- I mean, it's Vail. - Yeah, it's Vail!

- How could you pass that up? - Right.

That's what I was thinking.

Okay, well, uh...

- Drive safe. - Yeah. Thanks.

Be cool.

Be cool.

♪ I couldn't get to you ♪

♪ Anywhere I would have followed you... ♪♪

Tessa, dear. That cut on your hand has opened up again.

Yeah, I know. It's a hard place to put a Band-Aid.

It keeps falling off.

You know what I do when a Band-Aid won't stick?

'I take a piece of tape, but, you know, the good kind'

'and you have to use your own...'

And that's when I realized

the cut on my hand wasn't the only injury.

Ryan was my wound that wouldn't heal.

And maybe, just maybe, he wasn't meant to.

♪ Day... ♪

There was a reason I'd been hiding behind

my crochet needles.

And that reason was Ryan Shay.

♪ I will walk... ♪

Even after all this time there was still something between us.

♪ ...play ♪

♪ Why can't I get just one kiss ♪

♪ Why can't I get just one kiss ♪

♪ There may be some things that I wouldn't miss ♪

♪ But I look at your pants and I need a kiss ♪

June! Can I get you a ginger ale?

♪ Why can't I get just one screw? ♪

♪ Why can't I get just one screw? ♪

♪ Believe me I know what to do ♪

♪ But something won't let me make love to you ♪♪

[horn honks]

[horn honking]