Original subtitles

(Tessa) If the women of Chatswin had a church

it would be Our Lady of Perpetual Beauty Pageants.

And if that church had a pope, it would be the ten-time

Little Miss Chatswin Glitz Grand-Prix champion

Dalia Royce.

Please, Dalia. She's been through so much.

She's had her ears pinned, her stomach stapled.

'All she needs now is you.'

Please. Just get me across the finish line.

Get up.

I'll coach her, but we're gonna have to do something

about her hair, shoes and scrawny little shoulders.

Uh, yes! Oh, God, yes!

Those pageant hopefuls may have thought

Dalia was being generous

but she was in it for the glory..

Get out.

...unlike me, who truly

cared about Chatswin's youth.

[sighs]

You can't stay with me through lunch, can you?

No, I'm afraid I can't.

In that case, I guess I'll take a chance with the dweebs..

posse.

You know what? I think the dweebs.

Watching Victor navigate

the cutthroat cafeteria scene took me back.

I could identify with Victor

almost as much as I could

with that mini Lena Dunham

getting iced by the blonde squad.

Hey, Alana.

What was that?

Oh, those girls didn't want me to sit with them.

Are you kidding?

Of course they want you to sit with them.

Okay, they don't want you to sit with them

but it's because you're smarter than them

way smarter, and they can't hang.

That's not the reason.

It's because they're all contenders

for Little Miss Chatswin and I'm not.

- Says who? - Her.

Those little bitches!

It was Dalia and her crew all over again

and I wasn't gonna let Alana suffer the way I had.

[theme song]

♪ Last night I had ♪

♪ A pleasant nightmare ♪

♪ Da da da da ♪

♪ Da da da ♪♪

(Tessa) Hi.

Big, huge news, gents.

Sheila is occupied the entire weekend

with beauty-pageant duties.

That means you, Broseph, and you, Broses

are going to accompany me

on a much-earned and much-needed mancation

nut-scratch 2014!

Uh, yeah, man. I could, I could use some dude time.

I don't know about you two, but I am in dire need

of reconnecting with that musky scent of manhood that I lost

when Sheila became the breadwinner.

Mancation. Let's do it!

I'm thinking go-karts. Boom!

I was kinda thinking Springsteen show

followed by the dog track.

And I was kinda thinking that you two could have

your little sleepover with your baby bikinis on

while this guy goes and plays

a real man's game.

"Chasing Bambi."

I thought that was a suburban myth.

Oh, no. It's all too real, Brosephine Baker.

W-what is "Chasing Bambi?"

You know, it's a illegal

18-plus, outdoor laser-tag game

where your prey is a naked, adult lady-woman!

It's "Call Of Duty" meets Chuck E. Cheese

meets big jiggly boobies!

Okay. You have a daughter, Fred. Get a hold of yourself.

Just wanted to quickly remind you

that Victor Ha needs to do

20 minutes of his Reading Ranger workbook every day

so he doesn't fall behind at school.

Oh, why are you telling me?

Because you're in charge of Victor this weekend.

I'm in charge of Victor?

I'm going on mancation! You said!

(Sheila) 'Oh, what kind of mancation would it be'

without your little man in training?

Where are we going, dad? Is it Disney World?

Wherever we go, it'll feel like Disney World if I'm with you.

Oh, Victor, you are light and you are laughter.

Let me make you a BLT.

[sighs]

Who is that guy?

Sign-ups for Little Miss Chatswin.

And for the first time ever, I had a horse in the race.

I don't know, Tessa, I don't feel

very comfortable about this.

That's because those mean girls

tried to make you feel like you don't belong

but you do. Come on.

Tessa, what a nice surprise to see you here.

In other words, what are you doing here?

I am here to register

a unique and gifted friend of mine.

Sorry. I had a rock-hard one in there.

You know this is a pageant, right

in which we, the judges, will be ranking young ladies

based on their poise, elegance, and talent.

And this young lady has all of the above.

Well, of course she does. Why wouldn't she?

We just need your name right there.

As well as three forms of identification.

Oh, and a current utility bill.

Three forms of.. Are you kidding?

That's discrimination.

She is ten years old.

Her only form of ID

is a frozen-yogurt club card.

I'm afraid those are the rules.

- 'Says who?' - Says me.

I should have known, whenever anything sounded

too mean to be true, there was always one person responsible.

So why don't you guys just crawl back

under the pile of books you crawled out from under?

They love books.

- She's right. Let's go. - No! No.

We are not going anywhere.

Alana has just as much of a right to be here

as any of you do, okay?

'And let me tell you something.'

'Not only is she going to enter the pageant'

but with my help, she is going to win it.

Finger out of your nose, I beg you.

[sighs] Now, I know

camping wasn't at the top of any of our lists.

Yeah, it wasn't even at the bottom of my list, Fred.

You know, I get paid to babysit babies, alright?

- '7.50 an hour.' - 'I'm sorry!'

This was the only thing I could come up with

that was both manly and child-friendly.

'Let's just make the best of it, shall we?'

Oh, now, let's just see if my old scout-leader survival skills

don't come flooding back to me.

You were a scout leader?

Well, they used to call me The Firemaker.

You wanna know why?

It's a pretty self-explanatory

nickname, Fred.

Build the fire.

Wow, Fred, look at you go.

That's pretty impressive. That takes a lot of stamina.

Oh, I cannot feel my arm.

[panting] I'm hyperventilating.

I can't breathe and my body temperature is dropping.

We're gonna die!

Well, are you sure someone actually trusted you

to lead a troop of scouts?

[coughs] Well...truth be told

I, uh, I didn't serve that long.

They, they kicked me out after three weeks

for seeming gay.

Okay, we have a lot to do

in a very short period of time.

So I say we play to your strengths

and focus on what really matters, your talent.

Do you have any special skills

that we can showcase?

I'm lactose-tolerant, only one in my family.

Okay! There's that.

There's that, we have something

but is there anything else you are especially good at?

You know what, let's tackle the interview portion first

and bone up on some current events.

Do you like to read the newspaper?

- News comes on paper? - Yes.

Alana didn't outwardly exhibit Little-Miss-Chatswin qualities

but that was what I liked about her.

She was the anti-Dalia unlike..

While they bronzed and bathed in chemicals..

Don't breathe. That stuff is really toxic.

...we smiled wholesomely.

Perfect!

While they injected their faces..

...we projected our voices.

♪ You saved my life again ♪

♪ And I want you to know baby ♪♪

Okay, that sucked.

Let's try it again with a lot more reverb

and auto-tune and robot sounds

and someone else's voice coming out of your mouth.

Oh, prepare for a melty taste explosion.

These are just like s'mores, only better.

How better?

Instead of chocolate, I used craisins.

Craisins aren't melty. What's the melty part?

I substituted wholesome pita for the graham cracker

and instead of marshmallow

I used nutritious, soft-boiled egg.

Why? Why would you do that to s'mores?

Well, uh, Sheila doesn't like me having sweets, so..

But, uh, look, close your eyes

and, you'll, you'll never know the difference.

[chuckles]

Mm. Hm. This is inedible.

- I'm leaving! - Hm, come on, Noah!

(Fred) 'Trips like this are what childhood memories are made of.'

Yeah, where is the kid, anyway?

Yeah, he has been awfully quiet.

Victor?

Victor?

Oh, my God. I lost Victor.

I'm a dead man.

Fred wasn't the only one

who'd lost sight of something important.

Have you seen how much weight

little Avery Sillstrop has put on?

Ooh, not so little anymore, I'm afraid.

[laughing]

My guess is this year she'll be juggling her chins

instead of her pins.

[laughing]

I said chins instead of pins.

No, I heard you, it was terribly clever

with, with the words that rhyme and all.

It's just, is it me

or have y'all gotten meaner than you used to be?

It's you. We've always been mean.

- Every year. - Yeah.

- It's our tradition. - Right.

It's just, do we have to be so judgy?

Well, I am in fact a judge.

Yup, she has to be.

[laughing]

- Victor! Victor! - 'Hey, buddy!'

- 'Buddy, can you hear us?' - Victor!

- Victor! - Well.

- I'm calling it. - What is wrong with you?

I-I'm just saying that we have pretty much looked everywhere.

We are not calling it. We're never calling it!

My son is missing in the woods!

Come on. He's just a rental, right?

He is a foster child, not a rental!

And he is just as much my son as if he sprung from my loins!

And we will not stop looking even if it kills us

because if it doesn't, Sheila will.

Oh, God. I'm light-headed.

I think it's dehydration.

It is. Dehydration has set in.

Okay, I need water. Where's the water source?

Where.. Oh!

This foul trickle will have to suffice.

I have a full Gatorade right here.

Meanwhile, the pageant girls were quenching their thirst

from another questionable source.

- 'Um, what's that?' - It's Go-Go Juice.

Oh, you don't know about that? Everyone does it.

Gives them their pluck and sparkle.

- You need some? - No, no. We don't need some.

Alana has plenty of natural pluck and sparkle.

[chuckles] Does she, though?

Come on, kid. Get up. We gotta practice your song.

- Do we have to? - Yes, we have to.

Just trust me.

After all the work you and I did

everybody is gonna be blown away.

♪ You are beautiful ♪

♪ Like a dream come alive.. ♪

And flick. Keep it going. Present.

♪ Miracle lyrical.. ♪

'Take the floor. Down.'

Oh, shniz. She's singing my song.

What a coinkydink.

That's no coinkydink.

♪ I I love you like a love song baby ♪♪

I can't believe you.

You spied on us?

Why would I spy on you?

That would mean I'd have to look at you up-close

and you're bad enough from afar, far away.

You just expect me to believe

that you happened to pick the same song?

I know it might be hard for you to understand

because of how unpopular you are

but that song was super popular.

'Now, if you'll excuse us, Sergei's on the clock.'

We're so psyched to have him since Gaga broke her hip.

Two, three and..

Watching Dalia's protege practice

I realized Alana didn't have a chance.

For us to have a shot..

...I'd have to play dirty.

After a long, cold night of searching

Fred and George were no closer to finding Victor.

Victor, is that you?

That is a tree, Fred. You're hallucinating.

You really should not have drunk that water.

Oh, God. Oh, God! Excuse me.

- I have to go again. - Okay.

Where have you been?

I've been looking for Carlos, Hector! What's his name?

- It's Victor! - Oh, thank God. You found him?

Fred, no, we didn't find him. Pull up your pants.

Where did you get that shawl?

I had it with me the whole time.

You are a liar.

You are a lying liar

on your shawl!

Okay, okay, I mean, I-I might have taken

a short trip into town for a little panda

but, guys, you should understand

that when my blood sugar plummets

I am no good to anybody.

We're starving out here!

Not even some cream cheese rangoon?

- A freaking egg roll? - No, I didn't..

I should choke you out with this--

Stop it!

Huh?

(Victor) 'Gentlemen, no!'

Victor, my boy, you're alive! You're alive.

'And-and I see you've fashioned a makeshift nest!'

It was nothing, Mother Nature always provides

unlike my birth mother who provided very little.

Here, dad.

Eat this.

Well, buddy, you must have done a lot of camping

in your native land.

We did sleep outside a lot

but we just called it hiding.

Victor, that herb you gave me

is really settling my stomach.

It's also good for increasing sexual stamina.

What can't you do, young man?

Well, I couldn't make you guys be happier on this trip with me.

I don't fit in at school

'I don't fit in with you and your friends.'

I guess I don't fit in anywhere.

Maybe I should just stay in the wild.

Oh, Victor. Come here.

It's your choice, buddy.

Victor had survived in the woods

but to survive this pageant

I would have to be strategic.

Dallas.

- How are you holding up? - I don't know.

Did you ever enjoy somethin' and then suddenly one day

it just doesn't sit right with you anymore, like garlic?

I used to take down cloves of the stuff and now--

- It repeats on you. - Then it's just unpleasant.

'I hear you.'

You know what's not sitting right with me?

- 'Hm?' - Go-Go Juice.

Are you aware that these women are putting liquid speed

in their children's sippy cups?

Yeah, but it sure does give 'em

a little extra pep in the step, doesn't it?

I guess, but it could also give them

little pint-sized heart attacks.

I checked the pageant bylaws

and performance enhancers

are expressly forbidden.

Now, maybe the reason

the pageant isn't sitting right with you

is because of how corrupt it's become

when you are such a moral

and otherwise ethical person.

You know what?

I am both of those things you just stated.

I had convinced Dallas to ban

performance enhancers from the competition.

Hand it over, sweetie. We're playing clean here.

With any luck, the playing field had been leveled.

(male #1) 'Put your hands together'

'for last year's runner-up, Nadia Nergen!'

[all applauding]

[instrumental music]

♪ It's been said and done ♪

♪ Every beautiful thought's been already sung ♪

♪ And I guess right now here's another one ♪

♪ So your melody ♪♪

(Nina) 'Wake up and dance, sweetheart.'

Get up there and poke her.

'Poke her harder!'

Turned out, that without Go-Go Juice..

Your daughter is ruining my show.

...Little Miss Chatswin was kind of a snooze.

Alright, Alana

this pageant is yours to lose.

All you have to do is get through the new material.

I wrote some stuff for you, okay?

Just a couple of knock-knocks and a pretty cool

"What's-the-deal- with-popsicles" riff.

And I thought that you could hit them

with that impression of your dog eating the peanut butter.

Don't worry, you are gonna have them in stitches

although half of them are already in stitches

thanks to all the plastic surgery they've had.

Seriously, there is more in that audience

than a prison cafeteria.

Oh, yeah, and no big words because their collective IQ

is in the double digits. I'm being kind.

Those are good ones. I'm gonna use those.

No, no. Don't use those.

What's the deal with these pageants?

[audience laughing]

Look at Dallas Royce here.

'Is she smiling'

or is her face pulled so tight

that she doesn't have a choice?

[audience laughing]

Stick to the script, kid.

She's got more in her face

than a prison cafeteria.

[audience laughing]

This girl knows what I'm talking about.

I set out to protect Alana from bullies

but instead, I had turned her into one.

[instrumental music]

Lick my glitter dust, losers.

Guys, honestly

that wasn't supposed to be part of the act.

- She went rogue up there. - Really?

Tessa, I'll have you know

I may be a moral and ethical person

but I'm not an idiot.

You played me.

And for the record, God made this.

I may have had some help with these

and that right there is just hard work at the gym.

- And a butt implant. - What?

I had jeopardized my friendship with Dallas

and stooped to Dalia's level.

You know, Tessa, you may have tricked everyone else

into thinking you were helping Alana

to actually make a difference

but I know you were just doing it to hurt me.

And what hurts the most

is you ruined my perfect track record.

So congratulations.

(Dallas) 'Oh, my gosh!'

'Dalia's about to lay her first tear.'

Somebody grab me a mason jar, quick!

Do you have an eight?

- Go fish. - Ah!

Damn it! He's too good.

It's like he knows what cards we need before we do

and then intentionally doesn't have them.

Uncle Noah, do you have a queen?

You know I do.

- Bastard. - 'That's it.'

[Noah grunts]

- Victor, you are aptly named. - What?

Whether the goal is a mancation or a sparkling trophy

it's not worth it if it means

people get hurt along the way.

Excuse me, everyone.

Um...there is still an award

that hasn't been given out.

What's she talking about? Cutest non-white?

We're not allowed to do that anymore.

Ladies and a few gay gentlemen

for everything that they have contributed

to the pageanting arts

please join me in presenting the first annual

'Tessa-Altman-is-a-big-fat-jerk award'

to the mother-and-daughter duo

Dallas and Dalia Royce!

[audience applauding]

♪ Here they're coming ♪

♪ Tan and skinny ♪

♪ Good hair and teeth ♪

♪ Na na na na na na ♪

♪ They did it ♪♪

Oh! Oh, my goodness.

I don't know what to say. It's so unexpected.

Dalia?

I'd like to thank my Lord and Savior.

[audience applauding]