Original subtitles

(Tessa) Ever since her break-up with George

Dallas was taking a new, hands-on approach to life.

Can I help you?

Oh, I can damn sure help myself.

Except when it comes to Lacey Swiss. Half a pound, please.

Tasks she used to delegate..

Carmen, can you change the.. Never mind.

...she was now tackling on her own.

♪ This is your heart.. ♪♪

In fact, her attitude, in general, was..

Let me walk this dog.

Alright, girl, let's show these bitches who's pranciest.

[gasps]

Would you look at the size of that animal?

He has no right bein' off-leash.

That owner must be a real.. Altman?

George Altman.

Abort! Abort!

Dallas using her dog to avoid George

made it hard to imagine a time when they were actually

happy to see each other.

Huh, Sheila's home!

[imitates fanfare] And the people rejoice!

- Hiya, Fred. - What a day.

What a day. Let's see. Got all my chores done.

Victor taught me how to play "World of Warcraft."

Now, did you know that he's an advisor

to the High Priestess of Elune?

Well, he is. I know, right?

Then me and the gals went for coffee--

- Okay, Fred. - Oh.

You're not gonna believe

who's peri-menopausal--

Fred! I still have my blazer on, okay?

That means I'm in work mode.

I need a second to decompress

before I can start hearing about who's high priestess

and who's nearing the end of their fertility cycle.

So until this jacket comes off

I need you to be a big, old hush puppy.

- Is that clear? - Crystal.

- Hi, mom. - Uh..

Victor, your mother's had a long day at work.

Say hi to me. I'll greet you.

- Hi, dad. - Hi, son.

- Did I do something wrong? - No, no, and neither did I.

But that doesn't mean we should not apologize.

Where women are concerned, you should

never be afraid to apologize

even when you didn't do anything wrong.

- Got it. - Yeah. Just say sorry.

- Sorry. - Not to me, to them.

Got it.

Sorry.

[theme music]

♪ Last night I had ♪

♪ A pleasant nightmare ♪

♪ Da-da-da-da ♪

♪ Da da da da ♪♪

(Dalia) Okay.

- Since when did he get a dog? - I don't know.

I mean, is he trying to run into me

because he almost ran into me.

And if that happens, it's just gonna be awks.

Don't you think it'll be awks?

- Uh-huh. - 'I think so, too.'

That's why, when a couple breaks up

you have to define the territories.

And that dog park is my territory.

- Totes. - I mean, what's next?

George Altman getting his cuticles

pushed back at my nail salon?

George Altman opening wide for my OB/GYN?

- Wait. What? - Dalia?

I'm gonna need your help with this.

But I don't like helping with things.

Just hear me out.

No.

I want you

to approach Tessa Altman

with this here hastily drawn map of Chatswin

and tell her to have her daddy avoid

here, here, here and here.

Here, there, here and..

These are the parts in Chatswin where George shan't go.

We need to slice and dice this town

so there's no risk of us runnin' into each other.

- So it's not awks. - Awks-actly!

Okay.

I'm gonna need ten percent of everything you make.

Ten percent?

If you want me to negotiate

on your behalf, I get ten.

Five?

No.

Girl stands firm. I like that.

(Tess) While Dalia prepared to negotiate for her mother

Fred tried to negotiate

a little quality time with his wife.

Flashes aren't the worst part

it's the incontinence that--

- Fred! - Oh!

Sorry, dear. I didn't...realize you were still in your blazer.

Well, I am.

Well, I guess I'll just go talk about my day

with a perfect stranger... on Chatroulette.

Chatroulette, incidentally, is all weenises now.

So don't go on there looking for a friend.

You won't find one.

All weenises. Got it.

Thanks, dad, for giving me all this great advice.

Honestly, I don't know if I should be giving anyone advice.

I can't even get your mother to take her blazer off at night.

Can't you guys just make love with the blazer on?

In theory.

But I don't mind telling you, Victor

ever since she started working outside the home

we've been ships in the night.

What does "ships in the night" mean?

Well, it means she's sleeping in her blazer

and...I'm in here, bunking with you.

[indistinct chatter]

Do you represent daddy Altman?

[sighs] What?

I'm here representing mommy.

Do you represent daddy Altman?

I have no idea what you're talking about.

Daddy Altman was at mommy's dog park yesterday.

And?

And she doesn't want him going there

or anywhere else she might be.

So...George is supposed to stay inside

for the rest of his life?

Okay. Pleasure doing business with you.

Yeah, no.

George is never going to agree to this.

Look, Tessa.

Them running into each other is gonna be awks.

If you ever had a serious relationship--

I had a serious relationship.

And he moved a million states away

to avoid running into you.

Mommy doesn't want to move.

I don't know what to tell you.

We're just trying to avoid any unpleasantness.

And you know a lot about being unpleasant.

Honestly, Dallas' plan seemed crazy to me.

But that was before I stopped for an after school yogurt.

Peach-mango unchained?

- Right here. - Right here.

Oh, hey.

You're the old girl who used to date Ryan, right?

- You mean the original. - Right.

- June. - Mm-hmm, it's Tessa.

Right.

Ah, here.

All yours. Don't really want it anymore.

You sure? 'Cause it kind of seems like you still want it.

Hey, Junebug, you want to get..

"Junebug?"

It's just a nickname.

Yeah, I have one for you, too.

Tessa...dactyl.

I texted you after school to see if you wanted to get a yogurt

and you said you had plans?

And I do, with Junebug.

Did I not mention that?

- No. - That's good.

'Cause judging from your expression, I would have guessed

it would seriously tick you off.

Oh, no, no. I'm not ticked off.

No, I think it's great

that you love hanging out with Junebug so much.

In fact, if Ryan doesn't marry her maybe you should.

I'm seeing someone.

[chuckles]

Hey! Tsch.

- Me? - Him. Tsch!

He shouldn't be pulling. He's not the Alpha, you're the Alpha.

Exactly. I wish every woman would acknowledge that.

Tsch!

So, are we still on for tomorrow

for the off-leash stuff in the park?

Are you kidding me, I am always up

for the off-leash stuff in the park.

- What park? - Oh, hey.

I thought you were having dinner with Lisa.

Yeah, well, plans change, George.

Plans change, sides are chosen, friendships destroyed.

Oh, boy. Tell me while I feed the dog.

So, Lisa, my best friend

has been hanging out with my ex's new girlfriend

behind my back.

- What? - Thank you. Exactly.

However, her ex happens to be Lisa's brother.

- Oh. Well, that is different. - Is it? Really?

First, she takes her to my yogurt place

and now they're at my favorite thrift store

trying on berets together.

I'm stalking them on Instagram.

Look, I know i-it's hard not to feel territorial

but there are certain things you can't claim ownership of.

- Which reminds me. - What's this?

It's a hastily drawn map of Chatswin

and its George-restricted areas.

Apparently, Dallas saw you at the dog park today

and she's claiming that's her territory.

- Who's Dallas? - Her territory?

What? Like.. That is insane.

I can't believe she... felt compelled to resort

to cartography just to avoid running into me.

Dallas is his ex.

Yeah, we haven't seen each other since the split.

But if she thinks I'm gonna be weird, I'm not gonna be weird.

I'm gonna be fine. I'm gonna be completely Kajagoogoo.

[clears throat]

Tell her. Tell her, Tess.

Tell her how Kajagoogoo I can be.

- It's true. - Right.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to get Biederman

some more food at the market.

Uh, w-which market?

(Victor) 'But it's not mom's birthday.'

No, it is not.

Then why are you giving her a present?

Because, Victor, when empty apologies fail

sometimes, we must resort to--

- Bird feeders? - Romance.

Your mother loves hummingbirds.

In fact, on the day we married

a pair of hummingbirds hovered above

as we exchanged our vows.

Hopefully this feeder will remind her of that day

and...all the glorious days since.

And then she'll let you touch her boobies?

In a perfect world, yes.

Are you sure we're not related?

(Nora) I would argue that's not the best kibble.

With a dog like Biederman, you are gonna want to go grain-free.

It's easier on his system.

Yeah, when you say "Grain-free"

I hear "Unreasonably expensive."

Well, when you say "Unreasonably expensive"

I hear "Kind of a cheap ass."

- What about.. - Oh, hey.

What do you know about coffee?

Holy crap. What-what about wet food?

(Nora) 'Wet food's good for protein but it's kind of fattening.'

And so with a dog his size, you don't.. What are you doing?

What? Oh, I'm just, uh, looking at the, the calorie content.

I'm, I'm a little nearsighted, so this helps me.

Are you hiding? Because that is not a very good hiding place.

It's Dallas. She's right over there.

Wow. I guess Tessa wasn't kidding about that map.

What happened to Kajagoogoo?

Oh, you know damn well they've been irrelevant

since the '80s.

George had underestimated

how seeing Dallas was going to make him feel.

And now that the reality had hit him

he had no other choice but to..

Uh, what are you doing?

I'm climbing into the shopping cart.

Give me your hand. Help stabilize me.

- Oh! - Stabilize me!

[grunts]

Now, grab those two economy-sized bags

and lay them over me.

Go ahead. Just lay them over me.

[grunts]

Now what?

(George) 'Use the express lane.'

[grunts]

[indistinct chatter on TV]

Things had been a little tense with Lisa

since the yogurt incident

but it was nothing a little

DVR'd "Croc-nami" couldn't fix.

It's nice to see Shannen Doherty starting over

after losing six small children in the Croc-nami.

- She's very fertile. - She is.

And..

...I like that she's attempting a water birth.

Oh, yeah, that's very courageous.

Did you notice her midwife is wearing crocs?

I didn't catch that the first time.

(man on TV) 'Push, Jessica, push!'

'Push my baby out of you!'

Your first time?

Well, I was at June's house the night it aired..

And don't look. She's about to give birth to a crocodile.

- Aah. - Thanks.

Thank you for ruining the ending

and, also, for taking a giant croc on our friendship.

Tessa! But, Tessa, when they come back from commercial

she's gonna try breast-feeding.

"Oh, thank you, Fred!"

"I love my bird feeder and I love you."

"That was so thoughtful."

"Why don't you go ahead and touch my boobies?"

[chuckles] Yes!

From your mouth to Sheila's.

- Sheila! - Mom!

What happened to your eye?

What didn't?

I had no idea that your father turned our backyard

into a wildlife preserve when I stepped out there

with my morning coffee.

It was like something out of a Hitchcock movie.

They descended upon our haven, thirsty for blood.

One of them went rogue and made a beeline right for my cornea.

[screaming]

And now I'm blind in one eye.

[scoffs] Blind in one eye?

- Oh, come on. - Well, I can't see.

That's because you're wearing an eye patch!

Why am I wearing an eye patch, Fred?

Why am I wearing an eye patch?

Um, because your loving husband tried to bring the romance

of songbirds back into your life.

Does this look like romance? Does this look like romance?

No. That looks infected.

After some soul-searching

George and I came to the same conclusion.

Maybe drawing some boundaries wasn't a bad idea after all.

Tessa...I'm so sorry about the other night.

That kind of thing will never happen again.

You're right. It won't.

Because I came up with a plan to make sure it doesn't.

'June and I will have you on'

'alternate weekends and holidays.'

Additionally, we'll each have you to ourselves

on our respective birthdays.

I just don't know how to handle yours.

You know what? Don't even stress about that.

I'll celebrate my birthday alone, in a closet

so that neither one of you feels slighted.

That works for me.

What's all this?

These are my associates.

Where are your associates?

I don't have any associates.

- Okay. - Okay.

So, this is what George agreed to.

We can alternate days at the dog park

but he wants Shun Ju.

- We eat there a lot. - So do we.

How about this?

We'll take Shun Ju

Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays.

You can have it every other day.

- We need Mondays. - Objection!

Mondays are Moo Shu Mondays.

She'd have to be an idiot to agree to those terms.

Calm it down, Schulman.

We can alternate Mondays.

However, if you breach this agreement

and trespass on a Monday designated to us

we are entitled to damages including, but not limited to

one Szechuan Sunday per month

plus we reserve the right to invoke cloture

terminating your future Mondays as designated herewith..

...bitch.

- Okay, so, we're agreed, then? - 'No, Tessa.'

Nothing is agreed to until everything is agreed to.

We haven't even started with our demands yet.

Sections three, five and eleven are okay

but I need Christmas at the Farmer's Market

'cause that's where I buy my tree

and I want full custody

of the hardware store.

And I want next week's pub crawl.

Well, fine, I won't crawl the pubs

if he promises not to attend any pageants

fashion shows or fashion-show pageants.

And I want Thanksgiving at the Farmer's Market

because that's where I intend to buy my bird

and all the fixings for my acorn stuffing.

Okay, she cannot purchase every single acorn known to man.

Some of us have dishes that have acorns in them, too.

I want a 36-acorn cap.

Then I want all marathons, walkathons, bikeathons

and an-anything thon-related that I might be forgetting.

Pictionary at the Shays'.

Furthermore, he must cease

and desist tweeting about me!

I've never tweeted about her. I'm not even on Twitter.

Actually, Noah set up a parody account

called @therealgeorgealtman.

It's, it's blue but...pretty entertaining stuff.

Well, that's Noah's hobby, not mine.

No deal. Tell her no deal!

For two people who didn't want to be in contact

they were doing an awful lot of second-party communicating.

And the second parties were getting weary.

So, mommy is running errands tomorrow

and she needs to park on Weaver Street.

Oh, George has Weaver Street, and you know this.

It took a lifetime to bang out Weaver Street.

I don't know what to tell you.

These appointments were scheduled months ago.

of this? - Totes.

Who are they kidding? They don't want to be in communication?

constant communication via us.

I never wanted to talk to you this much.

Ditto.

Maybe the two of them running into each other

would be for the best, get it over with

and then we can all get back to our lives.

Yeah. Even though you don't have one.

Victor, what are you doing?

Packing up. Is it okay if I keep this squirrel?

Well, of course. Sinclair is yours.

I may have named him but he belongs to you.

Thanks. It's been fun being your son.

I'll drop you a line sometime.

Where do you think you're going?

Back to the orphanage.

In my experience, once the marriage fails

the first thing to go is the foster kids.

The marriage didn't fail.

But you don't love dad anymore.

What? Why would you say that?

It doesn't seem like you love him.

You don't take your blazer off at night

and you don't talk about your day with him

and he never gets to touch your boobies.

Victor! That's private talk.

Fred, is that what you feel?

We miss you, Sheila.

I'm sorry. I am so sorry.

I have just been under so much pressure at work

and it's lessened my libido.

That happens, Victor. That's a real thing.

Then my wife is never gonna work.

It is a lot of responsibility being the sole breadwinner.

I know. I did it for years.

But I learned to leave my work at the office

to make time for you.

I don't want our marriage to fail. I..

It won't. We won't let it.

Look, I know work's been hard on you

and I just want you to know

that our family appreciates it.

And I just want you to know that your pumpkin bread

is moister than mine ever was.

Really? Well, the secret is Greek yogurt.

Relationships take work, whether you're husband and wife

or BFFs.

That's what I'm talking about.

You have to know when to hold on tight.

- Hmm. - Oh.

- Take off my blazer. - Will do.

- Take off my blazer. - Aye, aye.

And when to let go.

She's not supposed to be here. It's a Tessa day.

June! Over here.

What are you doing?

What I should have done from the beginning..

...being a good friend.

I hope you know I never would have let you

celebrate your birthday in a closet.

I hope you know I would have...for you.

No, no. It's past that. Keep going.

If you park on Weaver..

...then you just have to, uh, walk down..

George!

I'm sorry. I think..

Well, there must have been some confusion.

I think there definitely was some confusion, yeah.

♪ It's the first to feel ♪

Well, how have you been?

I've been okay.

George, I just want to say, I know you felt blind-sided

and I, I wish I could have handled--

Dallas, you don't have to say anything.

[sighs]

I mean, please don't say anything.

(Lisa) George!

George!

'Come here, boy!'

Wow. Looks like someone has a new friend.

Yeah.

- Listen, I got to go. - Oh.

Okay. Well, maybe we'll mix up our Moo Shu Monday

sometime and accidentally run into--

Maybe.

(Lisa) 'Hey, slacker! Come on!'

Here I come! Give me that big, old ball.

'Alright, buddy. Ready?'

'Hey!'

'Go get it!'

♪ This will be the last time ♪

[indistinct chatter]

♪ You take me ♪♪

[whirring]

There. Now you can leave your work at the door

at the end of the day.

- I love it. - Mm.

Oh.

Oh!

I'm blinded! You double-blinded me!

You double-blinded me!

[sighs]

[sighs]