Original subtitles

(male narrator) Last season on "Suburgatory.."

(Tessa) Thanks to my high school nemesis

the last thing my boyfriend did

before he left for college was dump me.

We're over.

After that, the punches flew

the animosity grew

and our parents decided they were moving in together.

I told my dad..

Dalia and I will never live

under the same roof, never.

...but his mind was made up

so I packed up and moved out

but when dad's girlfriend decided at the last minute

that she didn't wanna make it official..

George, I can't. I'm sorry.

...George was left in the lurch

and I found myself

looking for a new place to call home.

- Alex? - Hi.

What are you doing here?

(Alex) I just wanted to be around

in case you ever wanted me around.

(Tessa) For someone who was never around

my mom showed up at just the right time.

[cell phone ringing]

(George on answering machine) 'Hey, it's George. You've reached my cell.'

'Uh, leave me a message.'

(Alex on answering machine) 'Hey, George, it's Alex.'

'Listen, I, I need your help.'

They say everything happens for a reason.

My fight with dad led to a reconciliation with mom.

And now that she was in Chatswin

I didn't even mind living here.

I had taken it upon myself to show my mother

all the finer things that Chatswin had to offer.

♪ Two jumps in a week.. ♪

Froyo delivery

from the best joint in town.

I took the liberty of going full gummies

because, seriously, these are the best gummies.

♪ Flying on your motorcycle ♪

♪ Watching all the ground ♪♪

What are you doing here?

I know, I'm-I'm the last person you wanna see right now.

Where is she?

Where is she?

This is, this is what she does.

She leaves.

'Your-your mom, you know'

she fights to push her way in..

...but then when she gets there, she panics.

And it's not fair and it's not right.

'And I am not making excuses for her'

believe me, because if there's anyone

who understands how you feel, it's me.

And I wish, somebody

'a long time ago, would have told me'

'that it has nothing to do with you..'

I could have felt angry.

I should have felt betrayed, but it was weird.

At that moment, all I felt was grateful.

Grateful that my dad was there for me.

[speaking in foreign language]

Dalia.

It is as the Brady children once sang about so joyfully

a sunshine day.

How are you feeling this morning?

A little better?

How's that breakfast tasting?

[sighs] I sure do like your Bolero.

Well, I think she's taking this whole breakup with George

worse than me.

[speaking in foreign language]

What did she say?

She said

"Nothing's worse than you."

- I see. No me gusta, mami.

What was that, Carmen? What mean?

I see.

[speaking in foreign language]

Carmen, why don't you take the rest of the day off?

This was supposed to be my day off.

You said you needed me to work.

I canceled several doctors' appointments to be here.

mija.

Dalia's gonna spend a little quality time with her mommy

whether she likes it or not.

Not.

[theme song]

♪ Last night I had ♪

♪ A pleasant nightmare ♪

♪ Da da da da ♪

♪ Da da da ♪♪

(Tessa) Hi.

Alright.

Wow!

Love what you haven't done with the place.

Nothing says home like cardboard boxes

and, uh, no overhead lighting.

Well, I relisted this place

because it isn't home.

Okay, well, then where is?

Well, that-that's actually something we need to talk about.

Was it my imagination or was dad about to say..

Chatswin.

Tessa, it changed us.

It sucked up our street smarts and it replaced them

with, with Country Club memberships

and, and leather wallpaper.

'This town cost us everything'

and it, it almost cost us each other.

[sighs] I think, I think Chatswin was a mistake.

There they were

the words I'd been longing to hear.

Hearing dad denounce Chatswin

was the sweetest sound I'd ever..

[dog growling]

[dog barks]

Hey, now. Stop that. That's rude.

Hey, now. That is, that is just rude.

We're, we're working on the growling thing.

He's not great with strangers.

This isn't a stranger, buddy.

This is your sister.

- I'm his sister? - Yeah.

Well, we're-we're, we're a family now.

I gave him sandwich meat. He gave me companionship.

We got each other through a pretty tough time.

'Believe me, once you get to know him'

'he's just a big softie.'

[barking]

Really?

'Cause he looks like he wants to tear

the flesh from my body.

I know, right? It's just a front.

He's gonna do great in New York.

[instrumental music]

- See the attachment? - Oh, I see the attachment.

He's a stray from two towns over

bit a volunteer at the shelter.

He was supposed to be put down.

And now he's roaming the streets of Chatswin.

Can you imagine what Scarsdale would say?

[scoffs] They've got their own diet, we've got feral dogs.

- I can't. - I can't.

Chatswin is on the verge of becoming a hamlet

a hamlet!

Can you imagine how high

that would drive home prices?

The hamlet high

it's what every agent dreams of.

Rye Brook would get a contact high.

Exactly, and I am not about to let some street rat

bogart our real-estate blunt!

Fred, where's my tranq gun?

Uh..

[sighs]

Ever since your brother left for college

I'm afraid, your mother is even more herself than usual.

She's a Scorpio, which means

she channels her grief into rage.

Me, I'm a Pisces, which means

I mourn by reading "Barbecue Enthusiast."

I want to assure you this is all very normal.

The two of us are simply navigating

what they call empty-nest syndrome, so..

Right.

It's just, you know

the nest technically isn't empty.

Hm? What was that?

[elevator bell dings]

[instrumental music]

See, Dalia, isn't running errands with your mommy

more fun than being posted in the trap?

- No. - Now.

After we see the accountants

I thought we'd take Yakult to the groomers

belvederes witzell!

[cell phone ringing]

Holy moly, Mrs. Royce, you look like a million bucks.

- Reel in that spending. - I can't!

[all laughing]

I won't.

Dalia, this is Lansky, Lansky, and Schulman, our accountants.

- Hi. - Hello.

Hey, you guys.

So can we get you ladies

or some oxygen

or some cappuccino-flavored oxygen?

Oh, make mine a double, Lansky.

I haven't been sleeping much lately.

Last night I went down an Instagram rabbit hole

and wound up looking at pictures of Tony Danza's grandchildren

till 3 a.m.

Would you look at that?

That's the first time I've seen Dalia smile

in weeks.

LOL, Schulman.

Perfect!

Anything else we can do for you ladies today?

(Dalia) Actually..

...can I take these two old guys home with me?

She can.

Do you guys know how to twerk?

[chuckles] Okay. Listen to this one.

"Cozy, pre-war charmer." Look at that.

Mm. That means it's a walk-up with no air-conditioning.

What? No, it doesn't, you cynic. It means it has character.

It means it's the worst apartment in the whole world.

- It's in East Village. - Then it's already gone.

Speaking of, did you, uh, break the news to Lisa yet?

I had been avoiding telling Lisa

about us moving back to New York

because I knew what she'd say.

I don't know, Tessa.

Switching schools your senior year?

I'm the dean of admissions at SUNY Purchase

and I'm thinking, "Meth mom with a dumpster baby."

Yeah, okay. Well.

Luckily, Purchase isn't one of my top schools.

Vassar, I think, might have the same viewpoint.

I'm not going to Vassar.

Oh, of course not.

Too good for the local fare.

I suppose you'll end up going to the university

of far, far away from my loyal friends.

- Lisa. - No, listen.

Makes sense that you would walk away.

Genetically, you're predisposed to it.

What is that supposed to mean?

Just you, your mom..

- How me? - Tessa, come on.

It wouldn't be the first time.

When you got upset because your dad wanted to live with Dallas

what was the first thing you did?

(Tessa) '"Runaway?"'

Exactly.

I got to go.

See what I mean?

Wait for me!

I said, wait for me!

I'm sorry, Mr. Altman

with Ryan gone, my mom's been focusing

all of her hysterical energy on this dog.

'She says he's dangerous.'

He ran away from the shelter. They were gonna put him down.

Okay. No, no one's getting put down.

Look, we're out of here soon.

The three of us will just lay low

until we figure out where we're going.

You can't lay low.

You're not Christine Lahti, Judd Hirsch

and River Phoenix, are you?

- Well, are you? - Calm down, Lisa.

There's too much heat on him. My mother's going house to house.

Okay, so then we'll find some other place to hide him.

I mean, you won't say anything, right?

You know I can't lie.

When I do, I release an odor.

It is a lying stench.

Sheila will be able to smell it from a mile away.

Okay, well, then we need to be a mile away

and you need to see a doctor.

I have.

They don't know what it is.

- 'Are you guys checking in?' - 'Sure are.'

- Has he been here before? - Um..

If not, I'm gonna need to know

the name of the vet and proof of vaccinations.

Oh, he's been here before.

- He's here tons. - Mm-hmm.

- He is always here. - Okay.

He was just here.

- And now here he is...again. - Shh.

Oh, well, I'm sure he's in our system then.

- Oh, I'm sure he is. - Yeah. Definitely.

- Definitely he is. - Right.

So...name, please?

- I'm Tessa. - George.

- And this is? - This?

- Buckles. - Buckles is his name.

- Really, Buckles? - Oh, yeah.

There's got to be a Buckles in this town.

Why do you think that?

It's a really traditional name.

No, is it.. What?

Rover is a traditional name.

- Spot. - Let's see.

"Buckles Munroe, Buckles Biederman

'"Buckles Weisman-Macomber'

"C. Buckles Carlisle, Buckles Stuart Masterson

Buckles Elizabeth Mastrantonio."

We've about 50 dogs named Buckles in our system.

- Huh? - Uh, Biederman.

Buckles Biederman. That's..

- That's our guy. Yeah. - Great!

Oh. Okay.

You guys have an outstanding balance of $863.

- Cough it up, Mr. Biederman. - How much?

While Biederman sought refuge in doggy day care

Sheila continued her hunt to find him.

Now...I misted the pavement

with a homemade beef spray to entice him.

I'll tell you who is enticed. Me.

Bow wow wow, Mrs. Shay.

The GI Jane look is doing it for me.

It is a-doing it.

[groans]

Sorry, Fred.

Idyllic pre-hamlets do not have middle-aged couples

fornicating in the bushes

and they don't have stray dogs who bite.

And they don't have..

[Sheila gasps]

...rental signs!

- But this was your dream block. - Well, the dream is dead.

But this is prime Chatswin real estate.

We don't want renters on our street.

- Tough tooters, I'm afraid. - What did you just say to me?

I said, "Tough tooters." We're moving, Sheila.

My baby hates this house and so do I.

mojo. mojo.

She's been night waking ever since we moved in.

Sometimes I walk by her bedroom at night.

(Leslie) She's just standing up in her crib, staring.

Leslie, come on, you don't vacate

one of the safest pre-hamlets in the state

just because you can't get your kid

to sleep through the night!

If this pre-hamlet is so safe

then why are you dressed in military fatigues

and carrying a tranq gun?

(Tessa) Sheila felt it all slipping away

everything she'd worked for.

And when control freaks lose control..

...it isn't pretty.

Look, it's nothing personal.

I just think we'd be happier in Scarsdale.

[groans]

♪ Versace Versace Versace Versace Versace Versace.. ♪

You guys, you're doing it all wrong.

♪ Versace Versace Versace.. ♪

No, that's not how you twerk.

Okay, there's no way you guys can go on tour with me.

Lansky, Lansky and Schulman

will y'all be staying for dinner?

You know, Lansky and I have families to get home to.

Schulman could.

♪ Versace Versace Versace Versace ♪♪

Been trill.

That's fine. It's not weird between us.

It's a little.

Here's an invoice for our time.

I think the little one likes you, mommy.

Dalia.

And he has a goatee

just like Daddy Altman.

That was not a goatee.

If anything, it was a soul patch

and it may have just been something left over from lunch.

Get out of my room.

- Look here, Dalia. - I said, get out of my room!

I know that middle-aged accountant

reminded you of a poor man's George Altman

and I know how disappointed--

I don't wanna talk to you!

You know, you may not wanna talk to me tonight

and you may not wanna talk to me tomorrow

and you may not wanna talk to me the day after tomorrow

or the day after that.

The following week, you may still not wish to talk to me

and then, I suppose, the holidays could come and go

without you really wanting to talk.

I'd be surprised if it carried through to graduation

but I suppose it could.

However, there's gonna come a time

when you do indeed wanna talk to me

and I'm here to tell you

when that fine day comes, I will be here.

- Mommy. - Yes.

Will you get the hell out of my room now?

Yes.

Sheila, now that the kids are out of the house

any objection to me moving the Cuisinart blades

to a lower shelf?

I don't care what you do, Fred.

Copy that.

He's eluded capture for too long.

There is no way that dog is working alone.

He must have a man on the inside.

Not necessarily.

[sniffs]

Do you smell something?

- Not necessarily. - Oh, but I do.

[sniffing]

It smells dirty..

...and tangy

like...tartar sauce

in a potter's kiln.

That's your lying stench.

Lisa Marie Shay

You know something about that dog's whereabouts!

Now, crack a window and start talking!

So tomorrow morning we will take Biederman

into the city and see how he responds to Murray Hill.

(Sheila) 'You'd get more for your money in Brooklyn.'

Sheila, you cannot just let yourself into our house!

I am a licensed real-estate agent.

I can do what I please!

Okay, well, you are not taking this dog.

Do you understand me?

If you want him, you have to go through..

[groans]

...me.

Okay. O-okay.

Mrs. Shay, please listen to me.

I know this dog has made some mistakes.

'I am not saying he hasn't.'

And he makes a terrible first impression.

Comes off like a real jerk. I know.

But the truth is..

...this dog's a really great guy.

He was there for my dad

when he needed him..

...when I'd walked away.

[sighs] So for that reason, um..

...he is a member of our family.

And I know you, of all people, know how painful it is

'to watch your family walk away.'

My Ryan. My..

In a surprising turn of events

Sheila Shay and I actually had something in common.

(George) 'Let me get this straight.'

We had one foot out of Chatswin

and you agreed to rent our old place from Sheila?

Yeah, and I also agreed to a $500 pet deposit

and that we'd get the dog neutered.

Really? Wow!

So Sheila gets Biederman's balls

and I get to pay more for this place than when I owned it.

What were you thinking?

I was thinking..

...that some people in this family

walk away too easily.

Well, you're not one of them.

I don't wanna be like her, George.

- I wanna be like.. - Hey.

I'm not perfect, either.

I think I proved that.

Come here.

[sighs] So..

So you think this place mojo?

Mm...if it does, it's from us.

[Lorde singing "Royals"]

♪ I've never seen a diamond in the flesh.. ♪

This time we do not get sucked in.

Walk amongst them, but don't become them.

♪ And I'm not proud of my address ♪

♪ In a torn-up town ♪

♪ No postcode envy ♪

♪ But everybody's like Cristal Maybach ♪

♪ Diamonds on your timepiece ♪

♪ Jet planes islands tigers on a gold leash ♪

♪ We don't care ♪

♪ We aren't caught up in your love affair ♪

♪ And we'll never be royals ♪

♪ Royals ♪

♪ It don't run in our blood ♪

♪ That kind of luxe just ain't for us ♪

♪ We crave a different kind of buzz ♪

♪ Let me be your ruler ♪

♪ Ruler.. ♪

What? It's comfortable to sleep in.

♪ I'll rule I'll rule ♪ ♪ I'll rule ♪

♪ Let me live that fantasy ♪♪

When it comes to being left in the dust

I'm kind of a pro.

Boyfriends, moms.

I'd been left behind by the best of them.

I knew better than to listen to sad songs

or to check my phone every two seconds

to see if they had called

because they didn't.

But if your light is on at 2 a.m.

and even one person checks to see if you're okay..

...you're okay.

I'm awake, dad!

Come in.

Of course, who it is that comes to check

might just surprise you.

[whistles]

[panting]

Hey. It's you.

[instrumental music]