All language subtitles for suburgatory.s01e21.1080p.web.h264-failed_track3_[eng]

[western showdown music]

(Tessa)
They say breakfast is the most
important meal of the day..

...but ever since
Noah's surrogate

aka, my dad's
pregnant girlfriend moved in..

[music continues]

...it was also
the most awkward.

Pregnancy cravings?

No, I eat this every day.

It's a good source of energy
because it's live.

What's live?

My chia seed porridge, silly.

[instrumental music]

Mm. You got a little
chia there.

You know what never gets
stuck in your teeth?

- 'Hmm?'
- White icing.

- Good morning.
- Morning!

Mwah.

- Hi.
- Is it school picture day?

[laughs]
What?

- Very funny.
- I don't get it.

George usually comes
to breakfast in old sweatpants

and a...nasal strip.

Thank you, Tessa.

I warmed up your icing for you.

Oh, thank you. I am starving.

"No! Don't do it, George.

"I'm so much healthier
and yummier.

Try me. I'm on the stove!"

Don't look at me.

It's the chia seed talking.

Did I miss something?

Eden's food is alive.

Her comic timing..

O-okay. Hey, you cooked,
you cooked this, huh?

- Mm-hmm.
- Okay. That's nice.

That's, uh, very rich
and earthy, uh--

George! I went to
all this trouble.

Oh, well, okay. Wait a minute.

Best of both worlds.

"Help! I'm drowning
in a pool of fructose!"

"I can't feel my own goodness!"

How long are you in town for?

[sighs]

(Tessa)
'So..'

How long is she in town for?

- It's a fair question.
- Great. What's the answer?

I want to mark it down on my
calendar with a big smiley face.

Okay. Well, late June
she should deliver

so early July she should be..

...could be leaving.

It might be
the middle of August.

I'm not exactly sure,
but whether it's

many, many weeks more
or only three weeks more

or, or six months
from when she moved in

or a year from
when she first conceived

or three months
from the middle of June--

So you haven't discussed it yet.

No, we haven't talked
about that.

Have you discussed how long
she spends in the bathroom

every morning when I need
to get ready for school?

Look, I know it's annoying
having someone else

in your space telling you
what to eat

and how to live, and..

...to not use the Internet.

She doesn't want us
to use the Internet.

Because she read
a report saying

the wireless signal
causes fetal sterility.

She's worried about the baby,
having babies?

It would seem so, yeah, yeah.

But, hey, look, I know
it's a lot to put up with

but it's not forever.

Right.

Just...three months or..

...many, many weeks
from the midsummer date

you refuse to commit to.

Right.

[theme music]

♪ Last night I had
a pleasant nightmare ♪

♪ Da-da-da-da da da da da ♪♪

Alright. Another great
scheduled visitation

with my unborn baby!

[laughs]

- See you next visit.
- Bells on!

And, you don't have to have
your office call to confirm.

- I'll be here.
- Good stuff!

That's good stuff!

- You are screwed.
- Beg pardon?

She's got that baby wrapped
around her uterus.

She's got the uterus
wrapped around the baby.

That's how it's supposed to be.

You're missing the point,
dum-dum.

She's in that baby's head
all day, every day.

She's got his ear

and the male voice
he hears the most

belongs to George.

George.

He swears that
he only let Eden move in

to keep her from
going back to Montana

but...a small part
of me wonders

if...it wasn't self-motivated.

A big part. Almost all of me.

There is not one part of me
that does not feel that!

Then you need to keep
your baby close

and the people who carry
your baby closer.

If I were you,
I would double the length

of those scheduled visits.

Let that baby know
who his daddy is.

Oh, he'll know
who his daddy is.

- Will he?
- Oh, yeah. He'll know.

- Who's his daddy?
- I am.

- Who's his daddy?
- I'm his daddy!

- Who's his daddy?
- I'm his daddy!

- Who's his daddy?
- I'm his daddy!

- Who's his daddy?
- Who's your daddy?

You've never met!
He lives in Oregon!

[both panting]

[sniffles]

Dalia, I've been looking
for my keys for 20 minutes

and once again,
they were in the pouch

of Penuche, your kangaroo.

He likes shiny things.

I'm well aware.
Your kangaroo is a klepto.

And yesterday, he kicked
Carmen in the gut.

She provoked him.

Dalia, face it.

Kangaroos weren't meant to live

in spacious
Mediterranean revivals.

- So we'll move.
- We are not movin'!

Kangaroo Jack is the one
who's movin' to the guesthouse.

But Penuche isn't a guest.
He's family.

Can't we just lock up the silver

like we do when
the service people are here

and make Carmen wear
a medieval suit of armor?

[chuckles]
Well, it would be funny

to make Carmen wear
a medieval suit of armor

but no! No, we can't.

[glass shatters]

Oh, Lord.

I suspect that's
the China cabinet.

[gasps]
Oh, he learned how
to open doors!

This is it, Dalia!
This is how the monkeys rose!

It's nice to have someone
cooking for us.

Are you kidding, George?
It smells like--

Sugar-coated yum-yum.
Sweet sugar yum-yum.

Our tummies are growling.

Nice save, George.

- Ta-da.
- 'Mmm.'

Introducing wheat meat.

I was worried
the extra corn would make

the loaf too loose,
but it didn't.

Yep. She's a firm one.

(George)
Alright, Tessa.
Come on. Let's dig in.

The wheat meat loaf
won't eat itself.

- I don't blame it.
- So how was school today?

They made texting a language

so I can officially
drop Spanish.

Okay, Tessa, now listen to me.
I hated French.

I mean, hated it.

But I stuck with it, and now

if we were in Paris
and I had a sore throat

I could tell someone.

- So?
- Tessa, your dad is right.

As Oliver Wendell Holmes said

"Language is the blood
of the soul

"into which thoughts run

(both)
"And out of which

(both)
they grow."

So..

That..

...doesn't resonate with me.

Alright, Let's take a vote,
whoever thinks Tessa should

continue to feed her soul
with, uh, the language blood

raise your hand. Ohh!

Is she even registered
to vote here?

She is now.

The food sucks, there's no Wi-Fi

and the two of them
are ganging up on me.

I have to get out
of this house, Lisa.

I'm counting down the days
until macrame camp.

I can't stand being
under the same roof

with the woman
formerly known as "mother."

Still harping
on the adoption stuff, huh?

Yeah, and as soon as
I get my DNA results back

I can prove once and for all
that I am not a Shay.

Well, I have to figure out
an exit strategy of my own

or you'll have to box-weave me
a noose this summer.

Oh, they don't let us do
that anymore

but what if you came
to macrame camp with me?

I mean, I, for one, can't wait
to weave my troubles behind me.

Just picture it, Tess.

[instrumental music]

Cool wind in your hair

the feeling of bristly yarn
against your fingertips

the sound
of the interstate muted

by a thin line of balding trees.

[truck horn blares]

I don't know
if macrame camp is for me.

- I'm more of a city girl.
- Camp in New York?

The cost of thread alone--

What about an internship

like, at a newspaper?

I have experience
on "the Chatswin chatterer."

I could live in Manhattan.

You actually think
your dad would allow that?

I don't know, Lisa.
It's complicated.

Something's gotta give.

The thing I love most
about her movies

is how sexually active
the older women are.

You guys were talking
Nancy Meyers, right?

No one who still gets
their period

is ever talking
about Nancy Meyers.

We were talking about camp.

- Sports camp? Can't wait.
- Sports camp?

Who's going to sports camp?
We're going to macrame camp.

I'm not going to macrame camp.

We said we were spending
the summer together.

Yeah, but that doesn't mean
I'm going to macrame camp

so unless you're gonna
box-weave me a noose--

They don't do that anymore.

Picture it, Malik.

Cool wind in your hair..

[whispers]
I've gotta go.

...the feeling of bristly yarn..

[instrumental music]

...but I had the last laugh.

That summer, I grew body hair

and after that, no one could
call me lady-pits.

[sighs]

Noah, I can't feel my legs,
and I have to pee.

You're leaning on my bladder.

So we take a bathroom break.
I'm not completely unreasonable.

Empty out, and then
we'll travel to junior prom

which I almost didn't attend!

(grunts)
The theme of my prom was cats.

(Eden)
'Noah!'

Meow, meow. Meow, meow.

Enough.

I'm sorry! I just want the baby
to know who I am and to know

which cat I dressed up as
to the prom, Rum Tum Tugger!

I'm sorry, Noah, but time's up.

You've been here
for three hours

and, frankly,
I've had enough! Okay?

Off you go.

"Off you go"? Don't talk like
that to me in front of the baby.

Look, I get that
you don't like me.

Frankly, I got it a couple weeks
ago when you moved out.

I moved out
because you have no ability

to respect
other people's boundaries.

You are the one
with no respect for me.

You think I'm gonna be a bad
father. I'll tell you something.

If you have seen me
take care of my sports car

if you have seen me
lint-brush my cashmere cardigan

then you have seen me care
for beautiful things

and that baby is going to be my
most beautiful thing...we hope.

I mean, you know,
my mother-in-law

textbook grotesque.

Rest her soul. Tch.

You're a piece of work.

Okay, the only fair way
to decide

which camp Malisa attends

is for each of you
to sample the other's passion.

[gasps]
Not that passion!

You can sample that passion
on your own time.

So if we're good at
the other person's passion

we do have to go
to their camp or we don't?

Knot up, Malik,
and find your weave.

Sorry if that sounds racist.

Okay, so what should I make,
a key ring?

- Yawn.
- A friendship bracelet?

- Overdone.
- How am I supposed to--

Beweave in yourself.

Just beweave.

Oh, yeah. I like this stick.

It makes me feel powerful,
like a warrior! Aah!

[sighs]
Damn, girl!

Told you we should have
explored our passions outside.

[instrumental music]

(Tessa)
My own escape plan
was ready to go.

My ink-jet, however..

Print, you stupid page. Print!

(Eden)
'Tessa?'

Did you turn on
the wireless router?

No.

[whirs]

Look, I was just temporarily
on the Internet

for an important
academic endeavor.

""Village Voice" internship"?

That's not mine.

Okay, it's mine.
Please don't freak out.

- Why not?
- I love alternative weeklies.

- I'm a huge slut for them.
- You are?

My first internship was on a
sustainable farm in Santa Cruz.

It was my job to pee
on the compost.

Someone's got to.
Or do they?

Before me, it was a job that
had only been done by men.

It took some real
persistence on my part

but I proved that
the nitrogen in my urine

was just as good as any man's.

Of course, they paid me less.

But, hey, you got the job.

So do you have
any advice for me?

Apply in person.

Let them put a face to the name.

Okay. That's a good idea.

But the major obstacle here
is gonna be George.

Anytime I mention anything
about the city, he freaks out.

Well, let me
talk to him for you.

You just concentrate
on getting the gig.

Really?

Yeah.

Thanks, Eden.
That would be a big help.

And...can I ask you
one more favor?

No more chia seed voices?

Bingo.

So what's up?

Visit with Noah didn't go
very well today.

I kinda threw him out.

Well, I'm not surprised.

This pregnancy has
made him nuts.

[sighs]
He flared his nostrils at me.

For the record,
he's been throwing a lot

of nostril around these days.

I got an eyeful myself
the last time I saw him.

[instrumental music]

I think I was too blunt
with him.

No. Hey, that's what
I like about you.

You're a straight shooter.

I'm glad..

...'cause I shot
super straight with Tessa today

when she told me
she wanted to apply

for an internship
at "The Village Voice."

An internship?

I dropped her at the train

so she could walk her
application in.

She's there right now.

She's there right now?

- Are you mad?
- What makes you think that?

You keep answering me
in questions.

Do I?

- I'm not mad. I'm c-confused.
- Confused?

Yeah. I'm confused as to who
in their right mind would give

someone else's kid permission
to do something like that?

Oh. Sorry, I just got
an urgent text

so I'm gonna
leave abruptly and..

...not discuss this any further.

[door opens and closes]

[instrumental music]

Knock, knock.

You're not supposed to be here.

I'm here to drop off
my application

for the summer
internship...in person.

Oh, we don't take those
in person

so you gotta go submit
that online.

Well, I was gonna submit
it online

and then I thought

"This is "The Village Voice."

Show some respect, Tessa."

I'm Tessa.

Troy. Editorial assistant.

Wow. Awesome.

[chuckles]
Awesome. That's really awesome.

You went to humanities?

Before we moved
to the suburbs, yeah.

- You moved to the suburbs?
- Major culture shock.

Well, that'd make a great piece
for "The Village Voice," right?

Oh, my God. Yeah.
Troy, I-I'd love to.

Well, creative decisions
aren't up to me

but thanks for stopping by.

[telephone ringing]

Troy?

I know you are a snide

holier-than-thou urbanite.

That's what I love about you

and that's what I miss
about myself.

I really, really want
this internship.

I'll scrape gum off your desk

I will scrub your toilets

I will trap rodents
in your sixth floor walk-up.

I live in an elevator building..

...but, um, we'll be in touch.

Okay.

[thinking]
Now just turn and walk away.

If he picks up your
application and looks at it

he's interested.

He's interested.

[instrumental music]

Ohh. George, thanks
for coming right over.

Actually, I was glad
to get out of my house

for a minute. What's going on?

[sighs]
That rude 'roo ruined my rooms.

I rue the day
I agreed to a kangaroo.

He mangled my Ming,
and he wiped his feet

on my best Persian,
gardener, not rug.

You know, you invite someone
into your home

you expect them
to treat it with respect.

Exactly.

My, my roommate situation
isn't any better.

Eden totally overstepped
her boundaries with Tessa today.

[gasps]
Did she beat her?

N-did she..
No, she didn't beat her, Dallas.

She just, she gave her
permission to do something

I never would have
said yes to.

Oh. So Tessa's not upset.
You are.

Well, trust me, George.
That's way better.

An angry teenager is worse
than a locust plague.

Dalia won't come out of her room
since I said

her pet has
to live in the guesthouse.

Haven't seen her this upset
since she saw

the opening weekend numbers
for "Madea Goes to Jail."

Well, maybe Dalia's emotional
about having her pet sent away

because she recently lost

something else
that was important to her.

Oh. Her online access
to Box Office Mojo?

I had to, George. She's better
off ignorant like her dad.

Oh. You meant her dad.

Dallas, this is a sentence
I never thought I'd say

but let the kangaroo live
in the main house.

Better you wreck your China

than your relationship
with your kid.

Well, maybe you've got
a point there, George.

Oh, boy, I'll tell ya,
it isn't easy doing

this whole parenting thing
on your own.

Yeah? I'm so used to

doing it on my own,
I have the opposite problem.

It's tough to let
somebody else in.

I can't stress this enough

communication is key.

Lord knows that's one thing that
Steven and I never got right.

Don't run away. Go talk to her.

- You're right.
- You have that option.

Unlike our kangaroo,
Eden speaks English

and she doesn't try
to kick you in the gut.

Are you sure you don't need help
with the rest of this?

Oh, Carmen will get it.

That woman loves
to clean up after us, I swear.

Did you ever notice
how the two of us seem to

solve things
when we get in a room together?

Now that you mention it,
we do make a pretty good team.

Yeah. We're like
Mulder and Scully.

[chuckles]
We certainly are.

It's a TV show.

[chuckles]
I know, silly!

You're so funny.

Guess you'd better get home
to your girl...Scully?

Nope.

[chuckles]

But I am terrible at lacrosse

and you're a macrame superstar.

I'm good at everything.

I shouldn't be penalized
for that.

I want to go to sports camp.

Who's thirsty?

mother.

Lisa.

Now I can't help
but have overheard

your entire conversation
and taken a side.

Lisa, stand by your man.

Malik, that outfit is fly.

[both chuckle]

Fine. I give up.

Let's go to stupid sports camp.

No. I'll go to macrame camp.

You need this more than me.

I really do, Malik.
I really do.

I'm gonna weave you
a macrame bikini, girl.

You're gonna look good.

George, I feel terrible.

I stuck my nose in
where it didn't belong.

Eden, your nose belongs.

Mine just got a little
out of joint for a minute.

I'm sorry I walked out on you

but I gotta admit,
I am not used to having

someone else make decisions
for Tessa other than me.

Oh, I totally understand.
It's just..

You said I got a vote,
so I thought I got a vote.

Right. Okay.

Well, the, uh, the polls
have to be open.

[chuckles]
And I really just don't think
they are on this one.

It's fine.
It's not my district.

I can totally just mind
my own business

where Tessa is concerned,
if that's what you want.

That's not what I want.

Oh. Hello. Welcome home.

Oh, s-so now you're,
you're perfectly happy

to have Eden chime in, as-as
long as she agrees with you.

I could say the same thing
about you, George.

You were happy to give her a
vote when it served your agenda.

Parenting is not an agenda,
Tessa, and I'm sorry

but you are not spending
the summer in Manhattan. There.

You dictator.
You are such a dictator!

Guys, I-I know we're still
technically trying

to determine if I'm allowed
to weigh in on this

but I have an idea.

You can temme to shut up
if you want to.

- But what if Tessa commutes--
- Shut up.

[chuckles]
Just trying to
lighten the mood. Continue.

Well, so what if
Tessa commutes--

Shut up! Sorry. Shut up, please.

Sorry. I'm sorry.

I guess I just have a problem
with those two words

"Tessa commutes,"
when they're together.

Are you finished?

So what if your daughter

travels to the city
to do her internship

but she comes home
at night to Chatswin--

- Shut up!
- Shut up.

And he gets you a train pass.

That actually doesn't sound
like a bad compromise.

But then I won't be able
to hang out with my friends

after work or go out at night

or do anything at all
in the city.

All I'll see is the inside
of an office building.

Yes, but a New York City
office building.

Hey, it could be a lot worse.
It could be a flat-out no.

[door slams]

You should hear the slam
when it's

a flat-out no.

[doorbell rings]

[dog barking in distance]

(George)
So what's up?

(Noah)
I wanted you to know
that I've decided

to eighty-six the..

...scheduled visitations with
Eden.

She doesn't enjoy them.

Frankly, they've become
uncomfortable.

Look, man, I'm sorry
if this is all my fault.

I-I really thought
having Eden move in

was the right decision

but it seems like it just
pissed everyone off.

It'll be fine.
I'll give Eden some space.

I'll see my baby when it climbs
out of her doughnut hole.

[chuckles]
"Her doughnut hole"?

I think you mean her doughnut.

No, I don't.

A doughnut hole is the actual
hole in the doughnut.

Oh, yeah? Then how is it that I
can buy a dozen of them?

Glazed or unglazed?

What you have been
purchasing, my friend

are doughnut balls..

...deemed "doughnut holes"
by morons.

A-a hole is a negative space.

Well, I think we can all agree
we're in a negative space.

[instrumental music]

["X-files" theme music on TV]

What the hell is wrong
with this man?

Kiss her, Mulder. Kiss her!

Why the hell won't
he kiss her?