All language subtitles for suburgatory.s01e20.1080p.web.h264-failed_track3_[eng]

And unlike a wooden hanger,
it will never depreciate.

(Tessa)
In Chatswin,
there was no end to what

people were willing
to spend money on.

Noah had invested
in the best surrogate

that money could buy,
but in the process..

Whoa. Whoa.
El Scorcho.

Pretty heavy hand
with the pepper there.

(Tessa)
He had become overly
invested.

Pepper is quite healthful,
Noah. It's an antioxidant.

I'm very sensitive to spice.

Chances are,
my baby is as well.

If eat anything
that upsets the baby

- I'll be the first to know.
- 'I'm not so sure about that.'

Us Werners tend to suffer
in silence.

[utensil clinks]

The men do, anyway.

You know, I just find
Alicia Keys to be

a very beautiful woman.
That's all.

No one is arguing with you,
dad. No one.

Do we really have to talk
about this?

Your mother is distracted, Lisa
so this is the perfect time

to talk about Alicia Keys.

Hey, there she is.

- George!
- I missed you.

(Tessa)
Noah was protective
over his investment

and the fact that dad
was dating her didn't help.

George! Come pee with me.

What's with all the sexual
chemistry out there

between you and Eden?
I thought we had an agreement.

I didn't agree to not have
sexual chemistry with her.

Look at her, man.
She's gorgeous.

And I'm crazy about her.

What?
What do you want me to do?

Picture her insides
full of blood and mucus

and baby bones.

I am so turned on
right now.

Not funny, George!
It's not.

Look, every time I close
my eyes

all I can see
is my beautiful fetus

bathing in your germs
and your saliva.

It's like every time
you grope her

you're groping my baby
with your meaty peasant hands!

How far have you gone?
Tell me.

- Tell me the truth.
- I told you. We made out once.

Yeah, but not since
the agreement, right?

Not since, right?

[sighs]
We're dating.
I've kissed her.

You kissed her where?
On her face?

On her mouth?
Inside her mouth?

Did you kiss her
inside her mouth, George?

Damn it! Tell me.
I have a right to know.

Noah, you're losing
your mind. Please relax.

I didn't want it to come
to this, but it has.

Things have gotten blurry,
too blurry.

[sniffles]
It's time that
we properly defined them.

Are you serious?
A contract?

Okay, this, this is crazy, man.

No. You're crazy, man.

Who dates a woman full of blood
and mucus and baby bones?

Look, it's everything
you agreed to when we shook.

This is just reshaking,
but with a pen.

Well, I'm a notary.
You know I'm a notary.

I didn't know.

Hello, Sheila.

As a concerned neighbor,
I feel it is my duty

to warn you about
the pitfalls of surrogacy.

That woman is a toxic spill

polluting the pristine waters
of your familial love.

Trust me, Jill. I am speaking
from experience here.

Once she passes that placenta,
her hormones will plummet

and so will her sanity.

Her sole focus will become
stealing your husband

your baby, or both.

She's probably fantasizing
about pushing you down

a flight of stairs
right now.

Always a pleasure, Sheila.

Thank you, dear.

♪ Last night I had
a pleasant nightmare ♪

♪ Da-da-da-da
da da da da ♪

It's so cute

and Chef Alan is a chef,
so it's perfect!

Of course it's perfect.

It's as if someone
with crystal eyes

looked into your heart and
crystallized your love for him.

Pricey, though.

Look, if you think
I'm gonna pressure you

into buying this 35-pound
crystal chef's hat, I'm not.

- You're not?
- Of course not.

This crystal was clearly
made for Chef Alan.

If you don't buy it,
I'm sure somebody else will.

It would be a shame
for that other person

to soak up all that glory--

I'll take it!

Somebody's gonna get
lucky tonight.

Girl, you are amazing.

No one pushes crystal rock
like you.

I have to admit,
it's a rush.

I never thought I'd be good
at this sort of thing

and I am loving
my new disposable income.

Let me tell you,
as a newly independent woman

earning your own money
is like

icing on the cake
of liberation!

Dallas, I think it's
really awesome, what you did.

Instead of getting depressed
about your divorce

you decided
to try something new

and...now look.

You're a huge success.

We're a huge success.

"Tessa Altman.

Ultimate sales manager
grand supreme."

I made up
that title myself.

Thank you, Tessa.

Thank you, Dallas.

Great to see you, Hanson.
You're looking well.

[growls]

And, Tessa...along with
your new promotion comes

a new crystal-encrusted crystal
cup of crystals uniform!

[gasps]

- Is that a--
- A chiffon wristlet!

Thanks, Dallas.

- It's amazing.
- You're amazing.

I can see you following
in my footsteps someday.

George must be so proud
of how hard you're working.

Honestly, I haven't seen
much of my dad lately.

Oh, no?

(Tessa)
In fact, George's romance

with Eden was entering its
second trimester

and I still hadn't even
met the woman.

You know,
if all these people planted

vegetables instead of grass
they could put

a huge dent
in the world's hunger crisis.

You, that, that,
that is what I love about you.

I see a dude watering
his lawn

and you see an opportunity
to heal the world.

I can't wait
for Tessa to meet you.

- Ooh!
- You alright?

Oh, man.
That was a good one.

You want to feel the baby kick?

Oh. No.
I shouldn't feel anything.

[clicks tongue]

Oh. Was that..

[laughs]

Cool. Yeah. I felt it.

You want
to feel something else?

Baby bones!

- Oh.
- What?

- Is everything okay, George?
- Mm hmm.

Because I feel like
you pull away

every time I try to get
intimate with you.

Well, yes,
but that's usually

only
when I have to go number two.

Oh.

That is intimate.

Look, until you've bathed
in a solid crystal bathtub

you haven't bathed at all.

It is one of those
over-the-top indulgences

that is worth every penny,
like an armored vehicle.

Just...think about it.

I have
other customers waiting.

[sighs]
You must be..

- Eden. Hi.
- Tessa Altman.

Ultimate sales manager
grand supreme.

Eden, did you meet..

...he person who used to be
my daughter?

Tessa,
what happened to you?

I got promoted. See?

- Okay. Wow. Really?
- Mm-hmm.

Is that what all these
boxes are about?

Kind of. Dallas said
I needed to step up my image

in order to invite success.

'If I showed up to work
looking like you, George'

people would think I was
there to clean the floors

which I'm not...
except for when we're closed.

(George)
'Whoa.'

This purse cost more
than every article of clothing

I have ever owned. Combined.

I guess, economically

you and I
are in different places, George.

Hmm.
It was great meeting you.

[phone rings]

Go for Tessa.

You changed your mind?

No, it's still available.
We need a 10 percent deposit.

(George)
'I briefly take my eye off
the ball'

and she turns into Imelda
Marcos.

Oh, she seemed great.

What? She seemed awful.

The hair and the nails
and the shopping.

That is not Tessa.

I wouldn't be
too hard on her.

It sounds like
her friend Dallas

is the one pushing her
into this

and that's
how teenagers are.

Oh, Dallas is no teenager,
though.

No, she's a full-grown woman.

[chuckles]
Full-grown!

Oh. Well, it's very normal
for girls to pattern themselves

after the women
in their lives.

Sounds like Dallas
is her primary influence.

Well, that's kinda
why I wanted her to meet you.

Oh.

Dernk!

"Dernk?"

"I'm speaking
from experience"

That's what Sheila Shay said
when I overheard her talking

in the bathroom
and that sentence

just kept gnawing at me. I knew
there was something to it.

There had to be,
so I went through every box

in the garage,
until I found this.

"Homeland adoption?"

- Exactly.
- Uh, I don't get it.

Why is the woman I call
mother driven into hysterics

because someone's using
a surrogate?

She's driven into hysterics over
people

not putting
Rosemary in their chicken salad

which is actually
really good.

She's fixated on the idea

that someone can lay claim
to someone else's baby and why?

Because I'm adopted
and after all these years

my real mother has been
out there looking for me.

Seems a little far-fetched,
if you ask me.

My real mother could be
Tori Amos.

No.

Edie Brickell.

Have you seen
my fart joke book?

I got a big phone call
coming up

and I need to make a joke
about a fart.

Get out of my room.

[knock on door]

- Hey. You got a sec?
- Sure. What's up?

Well, I feel like
it's been ages

since we had a chance
to talk one-on-one.

Cut the cuticles
or just push back?

- Just push back, please.
- Okay.

Costs more for the home visits,
but it is worth it.

- Ibiza's excellent.
- Thank you.

You know you're allowed to save
money, right? It doesn't expire.

It's for work.

Dallas says, "our nails
are not just nails.

They are
crystal display sticks."

Are you sure
that wasn't Imelda Marcos?

I don't know what that means.

It turns out
there's a Fellini festival

a couple towns over.
Starts next Tuesday.

I was thinking
the three of us could go.

Uh, I'm not sure
Ibiza likes Fellini.

Too quirky for the sake
of being quirky.

I meant you, me, and Eden.

Oh! What day were you thinking?

- Any day.
- Ohh.

Any day is tough for me.
I work after school.

'Well, couldn't you take
a day off?'

It's been forever
since you and I

have seen a Fellini movie
together.

Oh, that is great, Ibiza.

Fleshy nude? Yeah. Thanks.

Look, I don't, I don't have
my calendar with me.

How about you leave me
a voice mail with the details?

I should be able
to make June work.

- Yeah.
- July at the latest.

Tessa is doing
such an amazing job.

I just wish
some of her work ethic

would rub off on Dalia.

Uh, oh, well..

That's actually what I wanted
to talk to you about.

See, I'm worried Tessa may be
working too hard.

[gasps]
Oh, my gosh.

Has she fallen behind
on her studies?

No.

Does she seem physically
stressed

or mentally exhausted?

Well, no, not really.

I just think
Tessa is getting

a little wrapped up
in the whole crystal business.

Well, yes,
she most certainly is.

She's
a little crystal superstar.

Yeah, but I feel like
she's missing out

on the opportunity
to care about things that

aren't made of crystal.

And to get to know Eden.

[gasps]
Eden. I see.

Well, George, this may be
none of my bees wax

but I'm gonna share
a little advice

that Dalia's shrink
gave me.

"Lovers come and go,

"so it's best not to bring 'em
around your kinder

until you're kinda sure
you're kindred."

Well, that's the thing, Dallas.

I-I think
Eden and I may be kindred.

I mean, I hope we are.

Wow.

I didn't realize
you two were so serious.

Well, that's terrific,
George.

So...you'll help?

Well, of course I will.

I wouldn't want my business
standing in the way

of your blissness.

[chuckles]
Right. Well, thank you, Dallas.

Mommy, your Wi-Fi sucks.

I know it does, honey.

[instrumental music]

What are you looking for?

Family secrets.

They keep those
in the potting shed.

[door creaking]

[intense music]

Gotcha.

I feel
so much more comfortable

having
my pregnancy portrait done

now that
I'm not actually pregnant.

My pregnancy portrait
from last time looked so--

Fat. Yeah. No, I see it.

No, th-this pregnancy
has been kind to you.

I gotta say that.
You look fabulous.

I feel sensational.

Thanks again, Mrs. Shay

for insisting on carrying
my produce.

Well, you know what they say
about lifting things

when you're pregnant.
Don't.

(Noah)
'Eden's home!'

Just in time.

[chuckles]

That was
an awfully warm welcome.

Do you want my belly
in the portrait?

No! No. No, no, no.

I want to work on
some early language techniques

with the fetus.
Hello, fetus!

It's Dr. Noah Werner
aka your dad.

Whoa.

Uh, if you've been paying
attention in there

you know that China
is the largest holder of US debt

so I think it's prudent that
you learn a little Mandarin.

"Ni hao!"

Noah, your baby doesn't
even have eyelashes yet.

I don't think
it's gonna learn Chinese.

If you really wanted
to be helpful

you'd give me
a foot massage.

Carrying your baby around
is killer on the arches.

Really? I'm surprised.

Those lesbian clogs

look comfortable,
if nothing else.

So, Eden, how are things
going with George Altman?

Good, I think. He got to feel
the baby kick the other day.

- He did? That's..
- Ohh.

- That's great, Noah.
- My.

Seems your husband has nearly
brought her to ecstasy.

I don't know if I'd say that

but it is
a darn good foot massage.

I gotta scoot, though.

George and I are taking
Tessa to a movie.

No. No, no, no.
Not today you're not.

Uh, we have
the ultrasound scheduled.

- That's not till next week.
- We moved it up.

Our numerologist needs
to know the sex of the baby

so he can get started
on names.

I wish
you would have told me.

- I'm telling you now.
- Oh.

(Tessa)
Next time, George,
I'd appreciate it

if you let me schedule
my own days off.

Well, Fellini waits
for no man.

Trust me, Tessa.
This is gonna be fun.

[cell phone rings]

Hey, Eden.
We're almost there.

I'm sorry. I can't go.

'Jill moved the ultrasound
without telling me.'

(Jill)
'I'm telling you now!'

Bummer. Well, I-I guess..

I guess they can't do that
without you, huh?

(Eden)
'Believe me,
I wish they could.'

'George,
they're acting really weird.'

'Jill's all uptight,
and I don't even know'

what's going on with Noah.

'Every time I mention
your name, he tweaks out.'

- 'Is that George?'
- Okay, ok.. You know what?

Maybe Tessa and I should come
with you for moral support.

Really?
You guys would do that?

Of course. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
W-we'll see you there.

Now I'm just missing work
to go watch your girlfriend

get her baby checked?

It'll be better
than Fellini.

It'll be Felliniesque.

Hello, we're Fred
and Sheila Shay

and we would love to welcome
another special life

into our home.

Keep it together, Fred.

We love to travel.

Uh, yeah, we just went
to Costa Rica.

We love waterskiing, um,
and we have a chr..

A strong Christian faith.

Uh, we've got
so much love to give.

Yeah.
So many blessings to share.

Won't you please consider us?

Ohh.
Now you've got me going.

(Lisa)
'Disgusting.'

Okay, it's weird.
I'll give you that.

But it's inconclusive.

Malik, they tricked
some poor acoustic songstress

with naturally curly hair
into giving me up..

....with lies.

They don't water-ski.

Lisa,
even if you are adopted

how is that gonna change
anything?

You're a Shay now.
That's all that matters.

[scoffs]
That is not
all that matters.

If I'm not biologically
related to my family

then there's still hope.
I can grow up to be anyone.

Hey. Aren't we gonna make out?

Malik, I'm obviously going
through some stuff right now.

Just handle
your own business, okay?

Wow. I've never had an
audience this big before.

Well, some of us are having
a hard time respecting

other people's boundaries.

I couldn't agree more.

Oh, that...that is hilarious,
coming from you.

What is that
supposed to mean?

You know exactly
what it's supposed to mean.

Tessa, if you keep looking
at the monitor

'you'll see the baby
in a minute.'

Would someone like
to spread the jelly?

- Oh, I'll do it.
- I'll do it.

He wants
to touch her bare tummy.

Noah, don't touch
her bare tummy.

Why does he get to do it?
It's my baby in there.

It's fine. I-I'd be happy
to do it myself.

That's a great idea.

[whispers]
Sorry.

Is that cold?

Can you talk a little bit about
the advantage of maintaining

'a healthy sex life
during pregnancy?'

I think it might
put someone's mind at ease.

My mind? Is she talking
about my mind?

I doubt she's talking
about your mind, Noah.

I'm talking about
George's mind.

That's what the "dernk"
was about, wasn't it?

Sweetheart, uh, can we
talk about this later?

There was a dernk?
You dernked her?

Anyone want anything
from the vending machine?

Oh, I'll take
a gummy anything.

I'm gonna get something
really loud and crunchy

so I can't hear myself think.

A lot of fathers
are concerned

about sex
during pregnancy.

Oh, no. I'm not, I'm not,
I'm not concerned.

He's not the father!

But, truthfully,
it's fantastic for the baby.

'It strengthens
the pelvic floor'

increases blood flow
to the uterus

and at the height
of the sexual response cycle

it's like a fun little roller
coaster ride for the baby.

I wouldn't put my baby
on a roller coaster.

- Why are you here?
- She's right.

I don't want my baby on a
rollercoaster. It's dangerous.

Your baby has not been
on a roller coaster, okay?

He'd better not have been,
because we have

a contract
and if there is a breach--

- The baby's not in breech.
- I will take your car!

A contract?
What's he talking about?

I don't like the way
you're behaving, Noah.

It's like he's obsessed
with Eden.

- Why are you here?
- This contract was not my idea.

So that's why you don't want
to be intimate with me

because you have
a contract with Noah?

- Who does that?
- Excuse me.

I-I don't mean to interrupt
but I think

all the fighting
is stressing out the baby.

'I'm not sure
if you guys can tell'

'but he's covering
his little ears.'

(all)
Oh.

(whispers)
Ohh.

This is insane.
A crazy person wrote this.

I know. I know,
but when Noah wants something

he can be very intense.

Yeah. I've seen that firsthand.

I was just...I was trying
to preserve our friendship

but after today, I don't care.

All I care about
is being with you.

George, I can't live like this.

That ultrasound image
will haunt me forever.

My only job is to make sure

that this baby has
a healthy and happy gestation

and...I failed.

You didn't fail.

No, I-I mean, it's not me.

It's them.

I can't stay here,
not after what I saw today.

This house is toxic,
and for the good of the baby

and my own sanity

I've gotta go back
to Montana.

Eden, I'm sorry

but I can't let
that happen.

But I like working here

and I like spending time
with you.

Oh. I like
spending time with you, too

but it'll be part-time,
not full-time.

Tessa, nothing's
more important than family

and you have to make time
for yours

and from the sound of things

that might include
Eden now, too.

Dad can't dictate
who my family is.

I'm happy for him and all,
but I hardly know Eden.

- She's just a..
- Pregnant vagabond?

Ohh. Told myself
I wasn't gonna say that.

[door closes]

Well, Dallas officially
cut my hours back.

- Hope you're happy.
- I'm not.

I-I-I went about it
the wrong way

and I'm sorry, Tessa

but I didn't like what
that money was doing to you

and, and I want us to have
more family time at home.

Yeah?

I really, really hope
the motivation behind this

isn't forcing me to hang out
with your pregnant girlfriend

'cause
that's not gonna happen.

[doorbell rings]

[sighs]

Well, that's the thing,
Tessa.

It kinda is.

No, I-I got it.
I got it. I got it.

- You got it?
- Yeah.

Oh. Hi.

(George)
It's just temporary

we're not "officially"
moving in together.

I wanted to discuss it with you

but there just wasn't time.

Come on, Tessa.
Don't be mad.

(Tessa)
The parent-child relationship
is a strange one.

You grow up
thinking they're superheroes

who can do no wrong

but then one day
the cape comes off

and you see them
for who they really are

and if you don't like
what you see..

[snoring]

Tough luck.

You're stuck together.

Why? Because you're family.

Unless, of course..

...you're not.

[door creaks]