Original subtitles

And unlike a wooden hanger, it will never depreciate.

(Tessa) In Chatswin, there was no end to what

people were willing to spend money on.

Noah had invested in the best surrogate

that money could buy, but in the process..

Whoa. Whoa. El Scorcho.

Pretty heavy hand with the pepper there.

(Tessa) He had become overly invested.

Pepper is quite healthful, Noah. It's an antioxidant.

I'm very sensitive to spice.

Chances are, my baby is as well.

If eat anything that upsets the baby

- I'll be the first to know. - 'I'm not so sure about that.'

Us Werners tend to suffer in silence.

[utensil clinks]

The men do, anyway.

You know, I just find Alicia Keys to be

a very beautiful woman. That's all.

No one is arguing with you, dad. No one.

Do we really have to talk about this?

Your mother is distracted, Lisa so this is the perfect time

to talk about Alicia Keys.

Hey, there she is.

- George! - I missed you.

(Tessa) Noah was protective over his investment

and the fact that dad was dating her didn't help.

George! Come pee with me.

What's with all the sexual chemistry out there

between you and Eden? I thought we had an agreement.

I didn't agree to not have sexual chemistry with her.

Look at her, man. She's gorgeous.

And I'm crazy about her.

What? What do you want me to do?

Picture her insides full of blood and mucus

and baby bones.

I am so turned on right now.

Not funny, George! It's not.

Look, every time I close my eyes

all I can see is my beautiful fetus

bathing in your germs and your saliva.

It's like every time you grope her

you're groping my baby with your meaty peasant hands!

How far have you gone? Tell me.

- Tell me the truth. - I told you. We made out once.

Yeah, but not since the agreement, right?

Not since, right?

[sighs] We're dating. I've kissed her.

You kissed her where? On her face?

On her mouth? Inside her mouth?

Did you kiss her inside her mouth, George?

Damn it! Tell me. I have a right to know.

Noah, you're losing your mind. Please relax.

I didn't want it to come to this, but it has.

Things have gotten blurry, too blurry.

[sniffles] It's time that we properly defined them.

Are you serious? A contract?

Okay, this, this is crazy, man.

No. You're crazy, man.

Who dates a woman full of blood and mucus and baby bones?

Look, it's everything you agreed to when we shook.

This is just reshaking, but with a pen.

Well, I'm a notary. You know I'm a notary.

I didn't know.

Hello, Sheila.

As a concerned neighbor, I feel it is my duty

to warn you about the pitfalls of surrogacy.

That woman is a toxic spill

polluting the pristine waters of your familial love.

Trust me, Jill. I am speaking from experience here.

Once she passes that placenta, her hormones will plummet

and so will her sanity.

Her sole focus will become stealing your husband

your baby, or both.

She's probably fantasizing about pushing you down

a flight of stairs right now.

Always a pleasure, Sheila.

Thank you, dear.

♪ Last night I had a pleasant nightmare ♪

♪ Da-da-da-da da da da da ♪

It's so cute

and Chef Alan is a chef, so it's perfect!

Of course it's perfect.

It's as if someone with crystal eyes

looked into your heart and crystallized your love for him.

Pricey, though.

Look, if you think I'm gonna pressure you

into buying this 35-pound crystal chef's hat, I'm not.

- You're not? - Of course not.

This crystal was clearly made for Chef Alan.

If you don't buy it, I'm sure somebody else will.

It would be a shame for that other person

to soak up all that glory--

I'll take it!

Somebody's gonna get lucky tonight.

Girl, you are amazing.

No one pushes crystal rock like you.

I have to admit, it's a rush.

I never thought I'd be good at this sort of thing

and I am loving my new disposable income.

Let me tell you, as a newly independent woman

earning your own money is like

icing on the cake of liberation!

Dallas, I think it's really awesome, what you did.

Instead of getting depressed about your divorce

you decided to try something new

and...now look.

You're a huge success.

We're a huge success.

"Tessa Altman.

Ultimate sales manager grand supreme."

I made up that title myself.

Thank you, Tessa.

Thank you, Dallas.

Great to see you, Hanson. You're looking well.

[growls]

And, Tessa...along with your new promotion comes

a new crystal-encrusted crystal cup of crystals uniform!

[gasps]

- Is that a-- - A chiffon wristlet!

Thanks, Dallas.

- It's amazing. - You're amazing.

I can see you following in my footsteps someday.

George must be so proud of how hard you're working.

Honestly, I haven't seen much of my dad lately.

Oh, no?

(Tessa) In fact, George's romance

with Eden was entering its second trimester

and I still hadn't even met the woman.

You know, if all these people planted

vegetables instead of grass they could put

a huge dent in the world's hunger crisis.

You, that, that, that is what I love about you.

I see a dude watering his lawn

and you see an opportunity to heal the world.

I can't wait for Tessa to meet you.

- Ooh! - You alright?

Oh, man. That was a good one.

You want to feel the baby kick?

Oh. No. I shouldn't feel anything.

[clicks tongue]

Oh. Was that..

[laughs]

Cool. Yeah. I felt it.

You want to feel something else?

Baby bones!

- Oh. - What?

- Is everything okay, George? - Mm hmm.

Because I feel like you pull away

every time I try to get intimate with you.

Well, yes, but that's usually

only when I have to go number two.

Oh.

That is intimate.

Look, until you've bathed in a solid crystal bathtub

you haven't bathed at all.

It is one of those over-the-top indulgences

that is worth every penny, like an armored vehicle.

Just...think about it.

I have other customers waiting.

[sighs] You must be..

- Eden. Hi. - Tessa Altman.

Ultimate sales manager grand supreme.

Eden, did you meet..

...he person who used to be my daughter?

Tessa, what happened to you?

I got promoted. See?

- Okay. Wow. Really? - Mm-hmm.

Is that what all these boxes are about?

Kind of. Dallas said I needed to step up my image

in order to invite success.

'If I showed up to work looking like you, George'

people would think I was there to clean the floors

which I'm not... except for when we're closed.

(George) 'Whoa.'

This purse cost more than every article of clothing

I have ever owned. Combined.

I guess, economically

you and I are in different places, George.

Hmm. It was great meeting you.

[phone rings]

Go for Tessa.

You changed your mind?

No, it's still available. We need a 10 percent deposit.

(George) 'I briefly take my eye off the ball'

and she turns into Imelda Marcos.

Oh, she seemed great.

What? She seemed awful.

The hair and the nails and the shopping.

That is not Tessa.

I wouldn't be too hard on her.

It sounds like her friend Dallas

is the one pushing her into this

and that's how teenagers are.

Oh, Dallas is no teenager, though.

No, she's a full-grown woman.

[chuckles] Full-grown!

Oh. Well, it's very normal for girls to pattern themselves

after the women in their lives.

Sounds like Dallas is her primary influence.

Well, that's kinda why I wanted her to meet you.

Oh.

Dernk!

"Dernk?"

"I'm speaking from experience"

That's what Sheila Shay said when I overheard her talking

in the bathroom and that sentence

just kept gnawing at me. I knew there was something to it.

There had to be, so I went through every box

in the garage, until I found this.

"Homeland adoption?"

- Exactly. - Uh, I don't get it.

Why is the woman I call mother driven into hysterics

because someone's using a surrogate?

She's driven into hysterics over people

not putting Rosemary in their chicken salad

which is actually really good.

She's fixated on the idea

that someone can lay claim to someone else's baby and why?

Because I'm adopted and after all these years

my real mother has been out there looking for me.

Seems a little far-fetched, if you ask me.

My real mother could be Tori Amos.

No.

Edie Brickell.

Have you seen my fart joke book?

I got a big phone call coming up

and I need to make a joke about a fart.

Get out of my room.

[knock on door]

- Hey. You got a sec? - Sure. What's up?

Well, I feel like it's been ages

since we had a chance to talk one-on-one.

Cut the cuticles or just push back?

- Just push back, please. - Okay.

Costs more for the home visits, but it is worth it.

- Ibiza's excellent. - Thank you.

You know you're allowed to save money, right? It doesn't expire.

It's for work.

Dallas says, "our nails are not just nails.

They are crystal display sticks."

Are you sure that wasn't Imelda Marcos?

I don't know what that means.

It turns out there's a Fellini festival

a couple towns over. Starts next Tuesday.

I was thinking the three of us could go.

Uh, I'm not sure Ibiza likes Fellini.

Too quirky for the sake of being quirky.

I meant you, me, and Eden.

Oh! What day were you thinking?

- Any day. - Ohh.

Any day is tough for me. I work after school.

'Well, couldn't you take a day off?'

It's been forever since you and I

have seen a Fellini movie together.

Oh, that is great, Ibiza.

Fleshy nude? Yeah. Thanks.

Look, I don't, I don't have my calendar with me.

How about you leave me a voice mail with the details?

I should be able to make June work.

- Yeah. - July at the latest.

Tessa is doing such an amazing job.

I just wish some of her work ethic

would rub off on Dalia.

Uh, oh, well..

That's actually what I wanted to talk to you about.

See, I'm worried Tessa may be working too hard.

[gasps] Oh, my gosh.

Has she fallen behind on her studies?

No.

Does she seem physically stressed

or mentally exhausted?

Well, no, not really.

I just think Tessa is getting

a little wrapped up in the whole crystal business.

Well, yes, she most certainly is.

She's a little crystal superstar.

Yeah, but I feel like she's missing out

on the opportunity to care about things that

aren't made of crystal.

And to get to know Eden.

[gasps] Eden. I see.

Well, George, this may be none of my bees wax

but I'm gonna share a little advice

that Dalia's shrink gave me.

"Lovers come and go,

"so it's best not to bring 'em around your kinder

until you're kinda sure you're kindred."

Well, that's the thing, Dallas.

I-I think Eden and I may be kindred.

I mean, I hope we are.

Wow.

I didn't realize you two were so serious.

Well, that's terrific, George.

So...you'll help?

Well, of course I will.

I wouldn't want my business standing in the way

of your blissness.

[chuckles] Right. Well, thank you, Dallas.

Mommy, your Wi-Fi sucks.

I know it does, honey.

[instrumental music]

What are you looking for?

Family secrets.

They keep those in the potting shed.

[door creaking]

[intense music]

Gotcha.

I feel so much more comfortable

having my pregnancy portrait done

now that I'm not actually pregnant.

My pregnancy portrait from last time looked so--

Fat. Yeah. No, I see it.

No, th-this pregnancy has been kind to you.

I gotta say that. You look fabulous.

I feel sensational.

Thanks again, Mrs. Shay

for insisting on carrying my produce.

Well, you know what they say about lifting things

when you're pregnant. Don't.

(Noah) 'Eden's home!'

Just in time.

[chuckles]

That was an awfully warm welcome.

Do you want my belly in the portrait?

No! No. No, no, no.

I want to work on some early language techniques

with the fetus. Hello, fetus!

It's Dr. Noah Werner aka your dad.

Whoa.

Uh, if you've been paying attention in there

you know that China is the largest holder of US debt

so I think it's prudent that you learn a little Mandarin.

"Ni hao!"

Noah, your baby doesn't even have eyelashes yet.

I don't think it's gonna learn Chinese.

If you really wanted to be helpful

you'd give me a foot massage.

Carrying your baby around is killer on the arches.

Really? I'm surprised.

Those lesbian clogs

look comfortable, if nothing else.

So, Eden, how are things going with George Altman?

Good, I think. He got to feel the baby kick the other day.

- He did? That's.. - Ohh.

- That's great, Noah. - My.

Seems your husband has nearly brought her to ecstasy.

I don't know if I'd say that

but it is a darn good foot massage.

I gotta scoot, though.

George and I are taking Tessa to a movie.

No. No, no, no. Not today you're not.

Uh, we have the ultrasound scheduled.

- That's not till next week. - We moved it up.

Our numerologist needs to know the sex of the baby

so he can get started on names.

I wish you would have told me.

- I'm telling you now. - Oh.

(Tessa) Next time, George, I'd appreciate it

if you let me schedule my own days off.

Well, Fellini waits for no man.

Trust me, Tessa. This is gonna be fun.

[cell phone rings]

Hey, Eden. We're almost there.

I'm sorry. I can't go.

'Jill moved the ultrasound without telling me.'

(Jill) 'I'm telling you now!'

Bummer. Well, I-I guess..

I guess they can't do that without you, huh?

(Eden) 'Believe me, I wish they could.'

'George, they're acting really weird.'

'Jill's all uptight, and I don't even know'

what's going on with Noah.

'Every time I mention your name, he tweaks out.'

- 'Is that George?' - Okay, ok.. You know what?

Maybe Tessa and I should come with you for moral support.

Really? You guys would do that?

Of course. Yeah, yeah, yeah. W-we'll see you there.

Now I'm just missing work to go watch your girlfriend

get her baby checked?

It'll be better than Fellini.

It'll be Felliniesque.

Hello, we're Fred and Sheila Shay

and we would love to welcome another special life

into our home.

Keep it together, Fred.

We love to travel.

Uh, yeah, we just went to Costa Rica.

We love waterskiing, um, and we have a chr..

A strong Christian faith.

Uh, we've got so much love to give.

Yeah. So many blessings to share.

Won't you please consider us?

Ohh. Now you've got me going.

(Lisa) 'Disgusting.'

Okay, it's weird. I'll give you that.

But it's inconclusive.

Malik, they tricked some poor acoustic songstress

with naturally curly hair into giving me up..

....with lies.

They don't water-ski.

Lisa, even if you are adopted

how is that gonna change anything?

You're a Shay now. That's all that matters.

[scoffs] That is not all that matters.

If I'm not biologically related to my family

then there's still hope. I can grow up to be anyone.

Hey. Aren't we gonna make out?

Malik, I'm obviously going through some stuff right now.

Just handle your own business, okay?

Wow. I've never had an audience this big before.

Well, some of us are having a hard time respecting

other people's boundaries.

I couldn't agree more.

Oh, that...that is hilarious, coming from you.

What is that supposed to mean?

You know exactly what it's supposed to mean.

Tessa, if you keep looking at the monitor

'you'll see the baby in a minute.'

Would someone like to spread the jelly?

- Oh, I'll do it. - I'll do it.

He wants to touch her bare tummy.

Noah, don't touch her bare tummy.

Why does he get to do it? It's my baby in there.

It's fine. I-I'd be happy to do it myself.

That's a great idea.

[whispers] Sorry.

Is that cold?

Can you talk a little bit about the advantage of maintaining

'a healthy sex life during pregnancy?'

I think it might put someone's mind at ease.

My mind? Is she talking about my mind?

I doubt she's talking about your mind, Noah.

I'm talking about George's mind.

That's what the "dernk" was about, wasn't it?

Sweetheart, uh, can we talk about this later?

There was a dernk? You dernked her?

Anyone want anything from the vending machine?

Oh, I'll take a gummy anything.

I'm gonna get something really loud and crunchy

so I can't hear myself think.

A lot of fathers are concerned

about sex during pregnancy.

Oh, no. I'm not, I'm not, I'm not concerned.

He's not the father!

But, truthfully, it's fantastic for the baby.

'It strengthens the pelvic floor'

increases blood flow to the uterus

and at the height of the sexual response cycle

it's like a fun little roller coaster ride for the baby.

I wouldn't put my baby on a roller coaster.

- Why are you here? - She's right.

I don't want my baby on a rollercoaster. It's dangerous.

Your baby has not been on a roller coaster, okay?

He'd better not have been, because we have

a contract and if there is a breach--

- The baby's not in breech. - I will take your car!

A contract? What's he talking about?

I don't like the way you're behaving, Noah.

It's like he's obsessed with Eden.

- Why are you here? - This contract was not my idea.

So that's why you don't want to be intimate with me

because you have a contract with Noah?

- Who does that? - Excuse me.

I-I don't mean to interrupt but I think

all the fighting is stressing out the baby.

'I'm not sure if you guys can tell'

'but he's covering his little ears.'

(all) Oh.

(whispers) Ohh.

This is insane. A crazy person wrote this.

I know. I know, but when Noah wants something

he can be very intense.

Yeah. I've seen that firsthand.

I was just...I was trying to preserve our friendship

but after today, I don't care.

All I care about is being with you.

George, I can't live like this.

That ultrasound image will haunt me forever.

My only job is to make sure

that this baby has a healthy and happy gestation

and...I failed.

You didn't fail.

No, I-I mean, it's not me.

It's them.

I can't stay here, not after what I saw today.

This house is toxic, and for the good of the baby

and my own sanity

I've gotta go back to Montana.

Eden, I'm sorry

but I can't let that happen.

But I like working here

and I like spending time with you.

Oh. I like spending time with you, too

but it'll be part-time, not full-time.

Tessa, nothing's more important than family

and you have to make time for yours

and from the sound of things

that might include Eden now, too.

Dad can't dictate who my family is.

I'm happy for him and all, but I hardly know Eden.

- She's just a.. - Pregnant vagabond?

Ohh. Told myself I wasn't gonna say that.

[door closes]

Well, Dallas officially cut my hours back.

- Hope you're happy. - I'm not.

I-I-I went about it the wrong way

and I'm sorry, Tessa

but I didn't like what that money was doing to you

and, and I want us to have more family time at home.

Yeah?

I really, really hope the motivation behind this

isn't forcing me to hang out with your pregnant girlfriend

'cause that's not gonna happen.

[doorbell rings]

[sighs]

Well, that's the thing, Tessa.

It kinda is.

No, I-I got it. I got it. I got it.

- You got it? - Yeah.

Oh. Hi.

(George) It's just temporary

we're not "officially" moving in together.

I wanted to discuss it with you

but there just wasn't time.

Come on, Tessa. Don't be mad.

(Tessa) The parent-child relationship is a strange one.

You grow up thinking they're superheroes

who can do no wrong

but then one day the cape comes off

and you see them for who they really are

and if you don't like what you see..

[snoring]

Tough luck.

You're stuck together.

Why? Because you're family.

Unless, of course..

...you're not.

[door creaks]