Original subtitles

(Tessa) For Dallas Royce

spring cleaning meant out with the old..

...and in with the new crystal Joy Behar

she had commissioned.

You know what, Joy Behar? You give me strength.

You truly do.

Am I nervous about the store opening?

[chuckles] Oh! You do ask the tough questions, Joy Behar.

Yes. Yes, quite frankly, I am.

I've never tackled anything like this on my own

and unlike you, I don't have a multicultural

cross-generational female support system

although once upon a pledge week

I did experience such sisterhood.

[barks]

[gasps] Oh, my gosh, girl. That's a great idea.

I should invite my sorority sisters out

for the store opening.

Well, I suppose you're right. They could stay with us.

We've got plenty of room now.

[barks]

Slow down, Yakult, let me get a head count

before we worry about the catering.

[whimpers]

You know, maybe I should crack a window in here.

Sorry, Tess! Sorry.

I was buying groceries, and I forgot my wallet.

I had to run all the way home before--

What was the point of me getting my license

if I never get to drive?

You get to drive on the weekends.

Besides, there's nothing wrong with walking.

It builds character. And calf muscles.

Well, mine are already the size of soup cans.

See?

So why couldn't I walk home tonight?

Because it's dark out.

You think it's safer for me to sit alone

outside a dark, empty building?

You need to loosen your grip, George.

In some countries, I'm old enough to marry.

In some countries, I could trade you for rice.

Hi, darlin'. How was your day?

Anything from daddy?

Over there.

A motorcycle jacket?

You guys got divorced.

He's gonna have to do a lot better than a motorcycle jacket.

Well, there's a motorcycle in the garage that goes with it.

Oh. Now I feel better.

Speaking of feeling better

we're about to have a house full of guests.

All my sorority sisters are coming out for the opening.

We're gonna sack out here right in the living room

like a bunch of teenagers.

Just six sorority dream-sacks, Carmen.

One of my girls won't be able to make it

on account of the fact that I didn't invite her

on account of the fact that she's a big ol' bitch.

Who's a big ol' bitch, mom?

You don't know her, but you know her.

She's a backstabbin', boyfriend-grabbin'

style-jackin', bubble-gum-smackin'

husband-havin'-heart-attackin'..

What?

Her husband had a heart attack.

Oh.

Tessa! Dinner!

[birds chirping]

[instrumental music]

Mad respect, mother bird.

When your baby left the nest, you didn't show up

outside her school in your Prius.

You knew that it was time for her to find her own worm.

Hey, what are you doing?

Finding my own worm.

I don't want you making dinner for me.

I'm not a little kid anymore.

I can take care of myself.

Is this because I picked you up late?

In the city, I got around by myself.

There were buses and subways.

Well, in Chatswin we have to rely on each other

a little more. I think it's nice.

Well, I don't think it's nice.

I want my own car so I can be independent.

You wanna be independent?

Well, independent people pay for their own things

so why don't you save up and buy yourself some wheels?

- Fine. I will. - Get a job.

I will.

And clean your dish.

I was going to.

Good. There you go.

- There you go. - You gonna dry it?

That is what the rack is for, you...dictator!

A dictator would not use American.

[theme song]

♪ Last night I had a pleasant nightmare ♪

♪ Da-da-da-da da da da da ♪♪

You're not a dictator.

You just force people to do what you say.

Let her make her own dinner. Who cares?

Everything's a fight.

[sighs] Something going on at school?

No. I mean, I-I don't know.

She-she doesn't seem to want to talk to me about anything.

So talk to her teachers. I don't know.

'George, a teenage daughter who doesn't want to deal'

with her dad, uh, that's just part of growing up.

That's normal.

Hey, Jenna-girl!

'What? You just called to say you love daddy?'

[chuckles] Well, I love you, too.

I am? Well, you're the greatest daughter in the whole world.

Ha. I'll talk to you in the morning.

[chuckles]

Yeah, but that's not normal.

Honestly, I think she's drunk.

Suddenly, it was all very clear to me.

I'd become lazy, spoiled. Dad was right.

Asking him to get me a car was just another handout.

I wasn't a Chatswin girl.

I was a New Yorker

and I could do it myself.

I had all the motivation I needed.

[bird squawks]

I said I had all the motivation I needed!

[instrumental music]

Dallas?

Oh, my gosh! That keeps happening.

I've gotta watch my wingspan.

If I keep breaking things, we won't open tomorrow.

I'm here because of your help wanted

sign in the window.

Do you like it, it's $2600

but it's an investment piece, and you'd have it forever.

Oh. No.

Uh, I-I guess I misunderstood. I thought you were hiring.

I am. I just haven't gotten around to putting up a sign yet.

- Do you have a resume? - No.

- Any references? - You?

Oh.

And...in what way

are you like a crystal?

In no way.

Hold on. Let me think.

Uh..

We both have hard exteriors

and inner light.

Not like a crystal.

Wait. Look, I may not be all that much like

a crystal, but I need a job

and I promise I will work really hard

if you give me a chance.

I want to be an independent, self-sufficient woman.

Like you.

And you do have to start somewhere.

Right, Joy Behar?

That doesn't look like Joy Behar

and there's a really strong chemical smell in here.

We agreed on better ventilation.

We agreed on a semiformal store uniform

which Dallas would provide, and most importantly

we agreed on a generous hourly wage

that meant I would be able to afford some kind of used car

in the not-too-distant future.

- What's this? - Your advance.

Your signing bonus, and a little extra

for a moisture-rich mani.

Those hands are gonna be cradling delicate crystals

on the regular.

Maybe I'd have some wheels even sooner than I thought

now that I'd taken matters into my own hands.

Splurge on the paraffin treatment.

Get up all in those little cracks.

Thanks for seeing me on such short notice.

My door is always open.

- Except when it's closed. - Understood.

When it's closed I really do appreciate a knock first.

- Okay. Got it. - I mean..

Who knows what could be going on in here?

Yeah, that certainly is none of my business.

I actually wanted to talk about my kid, not you.

Understood. That's not uncommon.

I wanted to check in, see how everything is going

socially, academically.

Everything's great. Why do you ask?

Oh. We're still talking about Tessa.

She just seems distant lately, prickly.

So you're worried something else may be going on?

Drugs, hard drugs, sex, sex to pay for the drugs

secondary health concerns as a result of the two?

No, no. No-none-none of that.

I'm not worried about any of that.

Don't be, because I don't think that's it.

Look, if anything comes up, just keep me in the loop.

I'll also lean on Malik for information.

If there's one thing everyone knows about him

it's that he's a snitch.

Uh, okay. Well, thanks.

- And, George? - Yeah.

I'm glad to see you have your antennae up.

If there were anything going on with Tessa

I'm pretty confident you wouldn't miss it.

Oh. Well. Well, thanks. I appreciate you saying so.

- Hey, what's this? - 'Oh, that?'

That's the soul-crushing poem Tessa wrote

about the giant, festering hole inside her

caused by the absence of her mother.

That, that's not good.

[instrumental music]

I was still trying to figure out a way to fly the Coop

while Dallas was busy filling her empty nest

with some chicks she hadn't seen in a while.

(all) Ah, ah, ah. Cheep, cheep!

(all) Okay! Aah!

- We still got it, y'all. - We still got it.

Your husband is gonna lose his mind

with us making all this noise down here.

Well, actually..

And when I found that great big giant pair of panties, I knew.

- You said they were an M/L? - An M/L.

That's just not right.

A dog is always lookin' for a bone!

- Testify, teeny! - 'Mm-hmm.'

And I'll tell you something else.

I was not gonna grow old with some dog

gettin' bit up on by fleas!

But, Dallas, I would get so scared

being all alone in this big ol' house. Don't you?

Maybe it just hasn't hit me yet

or maybe I'm being extra strong for Dalia.

(female #1) 'That's the same way I felt..'

...after my husband passed.

Hello, Dallas. Room for an uninvited guest?

I think I'll just help myself to one of these cake pops.

Hello, Tulsa. Cheep, cheep.

Zebra?

Well, I always pictured you more as a snake.

I don't want to bicker.

My heart can't take the stress.

Grievin' as I've been, Dallas

I was surprised that you didn't reach out to me.

Well, maybe I was busy

dealing with my own situation, Tulsa.

Still, being a divorcee

isn't nearly as tragic as being widowed.

Wouldn't you girls agree?

Ever since he's been gone, I've just been so alone.

Didn't your husband die, like, five years ago?

That's right!

This weekend marks the fifth anniversary

of his death.

Which is why I was surprised

that you chose to exclude me.

In such a hurtful manner.

Invitation must have got lost in the mail.

That's what I figured

which is why I decided to surprise you.

Surprise.

Where'd you get all that?

Is it meth money?

It that why you're always so pale?

- Can you guys keep a secret? - I can.

I got a job and an advance

and between this and the money I have in the bank

I have enough to buy an old scooter I found on Craigslist.

My mom says that scooters scramble your ovaries.

They don't, but wouldn't you be safer in a car?

Yeah, sure, if I had it like that.

I'm not Dalia Royce.

Look, kids like us have to work for what we want.

We're not just gonna get stuff handed to us.

My parents bought me a 328i.

- I have $35,000 in trust. - Oh.

Then it's just me.

"Girl turns three on a store-bought cake

extinguished the candles but not the hate?"

Yeesh. Heavy stuff.

Dark days, man.

Do you feel like Thai?

No, I don't feel like Thai

although I might do a satay, if you're gonna order

but the point is, Tessa is in pain

and I don't know how long she's been keeping it from me.

'I tricked myself into thinking it was about the car'

'but it's clearly this.'

[exhales] Yeah.

You know what?

Why don't I just get the order in?

I just think we'll both feel better with food on the way.

I really want to hear about this.

Just give me a-a couple of seconds.

I'm right, I'm right with you.

- What am I supposed to do now? - A fat noodle?

You like-you like a fat noodle, George?

Pork lad na, that sound good? Hello.

I wonder if she wants to see her.

Ooh, I can't believe we're in East Chatswin.

We are slummin' it.

East Chatswin doesn't look like a slum to me.

There's a garden gnome.

Want a cig?

Lisa, we don't smoke.

When in Rome, am I right?

No.

[gasps] Look. There it is.

Anyone can advertise on Craigslist.

Is that right?

Any crazy person can post an ad

luring unsuspecting innocents into their lair?

This doesn't look like a lair.

Well, good lairs never do.

On the outside, they look regular.

That's how a good lair lures you.

If it doesn't lure, it's not a lair.

Lisa, hold yourself together.

I'm gonna ring the bell now and buy myself a scooter.

M-maybe there is no scooter.

Maybe there's just some psychopath inside

waiting to make a suit out of our skin.

Or a sundress.

[doorbell rings]

Or a sundress.

Ad said, "Contact Doug."

No psychopaths are named Doug.

Doug's not home. I'm Lucien.

He asked me to take care of you.

[indistinct chattering]

Hello, Helen. Thank you for meeting me.

[sighs] You're looking well.

My goodness. Look at all the wrinkles.

Well, yeah, that-that's what happens when you grow up.

Oh. Here comes the high horse.

I didn't come here to fight.

No? What did you come here for?

We have a couple of a delicious soups today.

Uh, there's a country vegetable

a tomato basil, a hearty lentil..

Could you give us a minute, we're in the middle of something

but I would do a small tomato, if there's no cream.

You got it.

[clears throat]

So...how is she?

Your granddaughter?

She's good. Yeah. She's-she's great.

Sole physical custody, George.

Oh. Quite a victory.

It was really something to see.

I'm the bad guy? Alex falls apart.

I pick up the pieces, and somehow I'm the bad guy?

Aren't you even curious?

Isn't she?

Just tell me how to reach her. I have a right to know.

Her daughter has a right to know.

You made the decision, George.

Now you have to live with it, just like we did.

Right.

You know what? She's a great kid, Helen.

She's smart and she's funny and she's strong-willed.

She's really strong-willed.

And she looks a lot like Alex

so...just tell her that for me.

There really was no going home again

and Dallas was discovering it, too.

Look, girls. A must-have for Oscar season.

'The Billy Crystal.'

Other sisterhoods may have traveled.

Oh, some people spend money on just about anything.

After all, Steven spent years subsidizing you.

[laughs]

But this one didn't.

Dallas, have you seen Tessa?

She's not at home, and I really have to talk to her.

I thought she might have stopped by here for the opening.

Well, I was expecting her, George, but she was a no-show.

I must say, not the best way to start a new job

and she had such great references.

Wait. She works here? And she didn't show up for work?

Okay, now I'm getting worried.

Maybe Malik knows where she is.

(all) Cheep!

Okay. Malik. Hey.

You have any idea where Tessa is?

She went to East Chatswin to buy a scooter with Lisa.

I-I told 'em not to do it. Don't-don't tell her it was me.

East Chatswin. Great. I'm gonna go find her.

I'll come with.

Oh, you can't leave all your friends.

You know, I'm starting to realize

I only have one true friend in this whole store

and he's on his way out.

Come on.

I can't believe he sold this to you without any gas.

I can't believe you pushed me

into a shirtless stranger's living room.

I'm sorry. I just happen to have very strong survival instincts.

So let me get this straight, you get a job and don't tell me

and then you go to East Chatswin

and buy a scooter without my permission?

You told me to do both of those things.

You said, "Get a job." You said, "Buy some wheels."

I meant four wheels, not two.

You didn't make that clear.

You have to be real clear with teenagers, George.

Would you let me, Dallas, handle this, please?

I'm just trying to help, daddy.

If-if you want to help, you can drive Lisa home.

Copy that.

Let me guess. Malik?

[indistinct chattering]

Well, thank you, Dallas.

Thank you for inviting your sisters all this way

so you could ditch us to hang out with your new boyfriend.

- He's not my boyfriend. - Then maybe I'll make a move.

Word is, he's an architect

and I've been looking for someone

to lay hardwood downstairs.

Well, that's a great idea, but first you're gonna need

to pull up that musty carpet.

I've seen your downstairs, and it needs some work.

I thought she had tile down there.

Teeny, close your tiny teeth.

Honestly, Tulsa, I'm not sure

George is ready to take on a project that size.

Don't be silly. I've actually lost weight.

In fact, I'm down to an S/M

when just months ago, I was an M/L.

[sighs]

If you're implying what I think you're implying

no two people deserve each other more.

Now if you'll excuse me

I'll take my cue from menopausal icon Joy Behar

and storm out, leaving my invited guests in the lurch.

So are you gonna let me keep it?

You're so busy operating independently

and you're not thinking things through.

Yes, I am.

Tessa, you need a different kind of license to drive this.

- Fill her up, please. - I don't work here.

Dalia? Does your mother know..

Well, as always, rules only apply to me.

Alright, look

I know what you're really upset about.

- I, uh, I read your poem. - What poem?

The poem that you wrote about your mother.

What?

Oh. George, don't read into that.

That was just for a grade.

Kinda hard not to read into it.

I mean, you never talk about her.

I, I don't know how you feel.

Look, I, I don't know what you want me to say.

I never think about her. Ever.

I don't know her.

You can't really miss somebody you don't know

and besides, George

don't take this the wrong way, but..

'...you're all the mom I need.'

Alright. Now you're just trying to butter me up

so you can keep the scooter.

Did you just say I could keep the scooter?

'Cause that's what I heard.

- We'll see. - "We'll see?"

- You wanna go for a no? - No.

Dalia, I just got a troubling phone call from George Altman.

Said you took that motorcycle your daddy gave you

and took it out for a spin.

He's lying. He's a known liar.

Well, I asked Carmen to look into it

and she said the bike felt warm to the touch.

She's a known liar. She steals from us.

Listen here, girl. I know you're hurting.

I am, too, but these expensive gifts from your daddy

aren't gonna make the pain go away.

I know.

That's why I want a "Hangover" monkey.

A monkey?

I want one of those monkeys

like in the movie the "Hangover."

Dalia, you can't just throw "Hangover" monkeys

at the problem.

Mom, those monkeys are really cute.

Those monkeys would always be there for me.

You listen up.

I may not be a monkey

but I will always be here for you.

There are few people in life

who truly have your back, Dalia Royce

and I hope you know your mother is one of 'em.

♪ Around the walkabout ♪

♪ It takes your breath away ♪

You swear there was nothing to that poem?

If there was, you would tell me?

I would tell you, George. I promise.

Dad was gonna let me keep that scooter.

After all, it was already in motion.

♪ Go in go out go in go out yeah ♪♪