Original subtitles

- Feel better? - That feels better than better.

Feels like I can do this.

[instrumental music]

(Tessa) Friday night in Chatswin

and a really dumb charity event for a really

dumb charity meant instead of seeing

my new boyfriend, Scott Strauss

I was forced to watch parents dance

with their children to "Rock Lobster."

I just don't think it's normal

'for parents to hang out with their kids this much.'

Well, my mom says that she's my only true friend

and that I should tell her everything.

- And do you? - I do.

And sometimes she nods off, but..

Well, I'm a private person.

I don't like people knowing my business.

[clinking]

Ladies and gentlemen, I've just been told

by the Davenports that Amanda got her first period today.

[cheering]

(Fred) Attagirl!

Just wanted to share that news with you.

Amanda is menstruating. Mandi.

'Mazel tov.'

There's a real sense of community.

[theme song]

♪ Last night I had ♪

♪ A pleasant nightmare ♪

♪ Da-da da-da da da-da da ♪♪

♪ Rock lobster ♪

♪ Motion in the ocean ♪

♪ Ooh ah ♪

♪ His air hose broke.. ♪

Wow.

Looks like things are really heating up

between the two of you.

According to Alan, there's no such thing

as being openly gay in Chatswin.

Anytime we go out together

he's convinced people are watching us.

People are watching you. That's what people do here.

They watch each other.

♪ Rock rock ♪♪

Why don't you guys do something outside of Chatswin?

At least you have the option, that's..

...that's what I would do if I were you.

[clinking]

Thank you, Chatswinians.

Living in a war-torn country

can put an enormous amount of strain

on the lumbar region.

'Now with your help, the CWB'

can correct spinal alignment

regardless of political alignment.

'Take a look.'

Boring! Raffle!

- Can we get the raffle going? - Okay.

I know we're all anxious to get to this

so without further ado, let's raffle off

the all-expense-paid trip to Atlantic City!

- Jersey, baby! - 'Okay, we'll get started in..'

When I win, you're coming with me, we're finally

gonna have a proper guys' night out.

Oh, what are you, what are you talking about?

We just saw "300" together.

"300" was like a million years ago and it was a matinee.

And I treated you to Sno-Caps.

Of which I had three.

You were saving the rest for Tessa.

- She likes Sno-Caps. - So do I, George. Alright?

You're so busy being father of the year

you forget to be friend of the Noah of the year.

(Fred) 'Get your tickets ready, everybody. Here we go.'

[instrumental music]

Ahem.

Four.

Seven.

Threeteen.

I believe it's pronounced thirteen.

You know, I didn't criticize your stupid speech.

Hey! Ha ha! Yeah!

- I got it! I won! - We have a winner.

- 'Yeah.' - Great. Perfect.

I'm sure you and Tessa will have a blast.

Oh, come on. Don't be a baby.

No, no, I'm-I'm sure that she'll appreciate

the all-you-can-eat prime rib and Don Rickles.

Noah, would you do me the honor

of accompanying me to Atlantic City?

We can do our, our guys' night out.

All the Sno-Caps you can eat.

- Don't toy with me. - 'Nor me.'

Gentlemen, did I hear something about a guys' night out?

- For I stand before you, a guy. - Piss off, Fred.

Oh, come on. The room sleeps six.

If we're gonna do this, the more, the merrier, right?

The more, the merrier?

Alex and I would love, love, love the chance

to escape our old balls and chains.

Sometimes you just need to get down with your homeboys.

Who you trying ese?

loco?

That's a Cypress Hill reference for the uninitiated.

Fred, don't you have to check with Sheila first?

Ah, you may not realize this, Noah

but I have Sheila in check.

It's bad, Sheila. It's real bad.

It's, it's looking like she might not make it.

Oh, poor Aunt Elaine. Bless her heart.

I know how dear she is to you.

Oh, she's very dear.

The most dear.

And if I don't rush to her side

she may not have a side to rush to.

Oh, Fred. Your favorite aunt.

Oh, come here. Let me rock you.

Let me rock you.

Oh.

Fred, did I just feel you give the thumbs up?

Okay, this, this is not one of those

risky business type situations where you dance around

in your underwear and then you have a few friends over

and suddenly you start a brothel and wind up

singing on a float in a parade.

Dad, you're, you're mixing teen movies.

This is more like an episode

of "Little House On The Prairie"

where pa goes off to the mercantile

and I stay home to loom you some pants.

Perfect. I'm a 32 long.

But seriously, no parties.

'It's been said, and you heard it.'

Okay, you have my cell phone number.

Uh, I left the number of the hotel

in case anything goes wrong.

- What if something goes wrong? - Dad.

This is Chatswin.

'Nothing goes wrong in Chatswin.'

Isn't that the whole reason people live here?

[instrumental music]

[sighs]

But with any luck

Scott and I were going to go wrong

in every room of this house.

[Cypress Hill singing "Insane In The Brain"]

♪ To the one on the flamboyant ♪

♪ Temper I just toss that ham ♪

♪ In the fryin' pan like spam ♪

♪ It's done when I come in slam ♪

♪ Damn I feel like the son of Sam ♪♪

- Guys. - Oh.

- Ha ha ha! - Hey, alright.

You guys, we are going to party like it's our birthdays.

Ooh! Add a raspberry, George.

- You'll thank me. - Don't mind if I do.

'Thanks for guilting me into this, man.'

I don't do this kind of thing enough.

- This is gonna be fun. - Are you kidding me?

This is gonna be a lot of fun, hmm?

Fred?

Oh, uh, gambling is happening.

Gambling is happening in this building.

I'm so close to the gambling.

- W-what's going on? - Oh! Now I remember.

Fred has a really serious gambling problem.

This is bad, I'm sweaty and nervous

and a little bit horny.

Alright, buddy.

- Hey, relax. - Okay.

It's gonna be fine. Have some champagne.

- Okay. Okay. - 'Here you go.'

[chuckles]

I'm trembling.

I'm gonna gamble all my money.

You know, I'm gonna gamble and tremble

until I lose all my money. That's what..

Maybe I, I should take that, actually.

Fred, you can have fun without gambling.

Just don't gamble. We won't let you gamble.

Okay.

Now, uh, this pile is for black

this pile is for red. Can't lose that way.

Now slots are for fools, but I'll take a stab at 'em.

[clinking]

- Fred, let us help you. - Don't touch my money, bitch!

Okay. Remain calm.

Everything's gonna be alright.

- Fred, take a deep breath. - Yeah.

[inhales and exhales deeply]

Okay. Okay.

It's Fred. Fred's back.

[chuckles] Sorry, I went a little nuts there. Thank you.

Why don't you, uh, why don't you get freshened up?

- Splash water on your face. - Put on a different shirt.

- You look a little clammy. - Change those shorts.

Shorts. Okay.

Thank you.

Thank you, you guys. I really..

I just want you to know..

...I feel incredibly close to you all right now.

But I will slash your face

in order to gamble.

[chuckles]

You can't seduce Scott in that. It has too many buttons.

Don't wear anything too complicated.

Yeah.

If Scott and I don't make it

past the hand-holding stage--

You will lose him. Correct.

And that's why we're gonna be doing a lot more tonight

than we're comfortable with.

"We?"

We're gonna give Scott

everything we have

even the things that hurt.

[instrumental music]

What is that?

It's my love box

and I am lending it to you for tonight.

(Tessa) 'Oh. Okay.'

[blowing a raspberry]

Lisa, I think you have the wrong idea about tonight.

I was planning on keeping it syrup-free.

Just an old-school make-out sesh.

Tessa, you sound like a fool.

Scott's an older guy with older guy needs.

He's been to Africa.

Africa.

He's gonna wanna go tribal on you.

Are you sure that's not offensive?

[dinging]

[indistinct chattering]

Look, how she's looking at me, George.

Dirty girl.

Hey, have you eaten? Can I buy you a burger?

'Here.'

Haven't heard from the little one, huh?

Yeah, she'll check in with me. I'm not gonna hound her.

She's probably high as a kite right now

and making love to a Trinidadian man.

It's not gonna work, Fred. You're not gonna scare me off.

Why would I scare you off? There's nothing to be scared of.

Tessa's perfectly trustworthy.

I'm sure you were too, at that age.

[indistinct chattering]

You think it'd be weird if I had Dallas stop in

check in on her?

No, not at all.

Whoo! Nice workout there, Sheila.

Between your unstoppable backhand

and my diligence at the net

we are gonna dominate the mid-morning winter league.

[cell phone rings]

Oh. Hey, George!

Hey. You got a second?

- Yeah. What's crack-a-lackin'? - Oh, nothin'.

Uh, it's just that Tessa is home alone

for the weekend, and I'm a little nervous

she might cave and throw a party or something.

Oh, my gosh. I hope she invites me if she does.

No, no, we don't want an unchaperoned party.

It's not that I don't trust her. I do.

I just, well, I-I'd-I'd like you to check on her for me.

Well, it doesn't sound like you trust her.

Who is that? Is that Fred?

W-well, I'll trust her a lot more once I know

for sure nothing's going on.

Listen, George, I consider Tessa to be

one of my best friends, and you are putting me

in a difficult spot.

Come on, Dallas.

Well, Steven is in Singapore

this weekend and Dalia's at braid camp

so I guess I could.

But I'm not gonna check in

as some busybody neighbor.

I'll just see if she wants to hang, as a friend.

Thank you.

What is it?

I thought for sure that was Fred.

- I sensed Fred on that call. - What are you talking about?

We have a psychic connection, if Fred even eats something

that doesn't agree with him, I can sense it.

[gasps]

I think he just ate something that didn't agree with him.

Oochies.

This just in thousand island bites back.

[chuckles]

Hey, is that Steven Royce?

- What a coincidence. - I thought he was in Singapore.

Do me a favor. Don't call him over here.

Steve-O!

[thinking] Finally, some alone time with Scott.

Now if I could just get him to focus on me instead of..

That's basically how you make a traditional

Zambian eating mat, or Mphasa.

But bigger and less plastic.

Scott, I'm sure you get this a lot, but you're fascinating.

I would love to travel like you did.

Well, it'll change you, from the inside out.

But be prepared.

Africa's also filled with poverty and disease.

You have...really brown eyes.

Thanks.

I met a man in Africa who didn't even have eyes.

[sighs] Scott..

...I know you're really political

and you have all this global awareness

and I think that's great

but...don't you wanna

get tribal on me?

That's offensive.

I think.

[doorbell rings]

Hey. George, what are you, uh..

What are you doing in the AC?

Yeah, Steven, what a surprise.

I heard you were in Singapore.

- Who said that? - Dallas.

Well, you sure like talking to my wife a lot.

And who could blame you? She's a very beautiful woman.

- Yeah, so is she. - 'Huh?'

I don't like to eat alone, you know?

It, uh, makes me depressed, and it lowers my metabolism

'and by any chance you do talk to my wife again'

I was in Singapore.

I have very important business in Singapore.

- They want me to move there. - Really? Wow.

- That sounds great. - You think?

Even though I'd have to leave Dallas and Dalia behind

for a better part of a year?

Well, th-that's what Skype's for, right?

That is what Skype is for. You know what, George?

Damn it, you're a smart guy.

I think I might have underestimated you.

Yeah, well..

And plus you'll be there in case

anything goes wrong, right? Huh?

It's Chatswin. Nothing goes wrong in Chatswin.

Isn't that the whole reason people live there?

[people laughing]

Holy crap.

- You'll have to excuse me. - What's wrong?

I just realized my daughter was a bit too anxious

to get rid of me this morning.

- Where's, where's Fred? - Fred?

Oh, he crawled out, like, ten minutes ago.

Argh!

Dallas, what are you doing here?

Well, I'm on the dolo tonight

and since you are too, I thought we could chillax

or get jiggy. Your choice.

Oh.

Oh, I see what this is.

George sent you here to spy on me.

What?

I don't know. I am on the dolo.

You can't hide behind urban street slang, Dallas.

I see right through you.

And this is an invasion of my privacy.

You can tell that to George.

- He's a fox. - Don't tell that to George.

So everything seemed quiet there?

- Real cozy. - Co-cozy?

What, what, what's that mean, cozy?

Well, comfy-cozy, no one was drunk, not too krunk.

The joint was on point, pretty much.

What are you talking about?

Stop confusing me with street slang.

Oh, George, you have nothing to worry about.

Tessa's a great girl, and that boy she had over

was super nice, fully clothed.

She-she had a-a boy over?

Well, I don't know if he was a boy.

He had kind of a young, white Wesley Snipes

kind of thing goin'. George?

So she's got a guy over.

What is the matter? We're guys.

I-I want to trust her, but I don't.

George, as the father of twins, I can tell you

they're going to do exactly what they want to do.

Times like these, I'm thankful my wife's barren.

(George) 'Fred! Where the hell have you been?'

- I did a bad thing. - 'Where are your pants?'

- I bet them! - What are you gonna do?

You're gonna burst in on your 16-year-old daughter

and tell her that you don't trust her to be alone

for 24 hours? Don't be that guy.

I'm sorry, Noah. I'm not proud of it, but I am that guy.

Shh! I bet everything on a dog named Lose All Your Money.

I-I mean, I figured a name like that's gotta be ironic, right?

[knocking on door]

- Who's that? - Tom-Tom called some freaks.

- Who's ready to party? - I am!

- Whoo-hoo! - Really?

Yeah!

I have something that I want you to dock

in my docking station.

Yeah. I'll dock it, alright.

I'll dock it all night.

Just stick it in gently

'cause the bottom's a little cracked.

Come on! Okay, okay, come on.

Come on, Lose All Your Money!

Not literally. You know what I mean.

Come on!

no! No.

(man on TV) 'Virtually from start to finish at..'

Alright, Fred. How much?

[sighs] Fourteen, fourteen thousand.

You lost $14,000?

No, I won 14,000, and Sheila is gonna sense it.

Windfall! What?

Scott.

Right now...this is the only place in all of Chatswin

where we can actually be alone.

Look, Tessa, I like you. I do.

And pre-Africa, I would have expressed that to you

in a very physical way

but post-Africa, I need to take things slow.

Why?

I saw things, Tessa.

Things I wasn't ready to see.

[whispers] Vaginal birth.

And there they were.

The two words that could put an end

to any romantic evening.

So much for alone time with Scott.

Tonight was now about..

...being alone.

[pounding on door]

- Come on, man! - Let's go, buddy.

- Open the door. - Go away!

Leave me alone!

Sheila is going to kill me!

It's gonna be worse than the time

she caught me watching "Wild Things" on cable.

(Noah) 'Okay, maybe she's gonna be happy'

'with the extra cash and will forgive you.'

Have you met my wife?

She is the least forgiving woman in the world

and I will never find anyone as wonderful.

Hey, she never even has to know.

You can donate all the money to charity.

[breathing heavily]

I'm ending it! I'm ending it all!

[grunts]

- I'm calling the hotel manager. - Yeah.

- Ugh! - I got this. Relax.

Hey. Fred, buddy. Steven Royce.

Is there any mirrors in there?

Yeah, there's one over the sink

and there's another one on the back of the door.

Okay. Do me a favor.

Take a good, hard look at yourself

'in one of those mirrors, okay.'

Oh, there's also a small one in the shower

one of those non-fogging shave ones.

Just any mirror, doesn't matter what kind of mirror.

- Just pick a mirror, okay? - Okay.

[grunts]

[sighs]

- Okay. I'm looking. - You're in a spiral, Fred.

You're in a downward spiral. Okay?

This is an ugly side of you, but you don't have to be ugly.

You don't. You could take stock.

'Make yourself better. Yeah.'

Okay, this is an opportunity for you

'to make yourself better, to change and become better'

than what you were. Not you two.

You guys stay exactly the same, okay?

I'm gonna go see my mother.

I'm gonna go confront my stepfather.

No.

So sorry, man, I know, I know this wasn't

exactly what you had in mind.

ese?

loco.

And I docked something in a stripper's docking station.

Yeah. A-a-a broken MP3 player.

Still. It's pretty awesome.

In fact, I'm beat. I'm gonna go get some rest.

Alright, man, I'm gonna... wait a few more hours

till the sun comes up before I hit the road

even if it kills me.

I don't want Tessa to think I don't trust her.

She's a good kid. You can trust her.

I trust her. Of course, I'm less invested.

[chuckles]

- Goodnight. - Goodnight.

[instrumental music]

[door closes] Dad!

Dad, huh? No George?

- Are you alone? - Yes, of course, I'm alone.

I was worried about you. I even slept on the couch.

I'm so glad you're home.

I should go away more often.

[chuckles] That was a test. You passed.

You passed, sending your little spy over here.

Yeah, I knew you had a boy here.

And you still didn't come home.

- You trusted me. - Of course, I trusted you.

- Can I trust you? - Yes. What?

You can trust me.

- I'm practically an adult. - An adult. Really?

So I guess you don't want the salt water taffy

I brought home for you, then.

Don't be stupid, George.

Give me the taffy.

Give me the blue one.

I like pink anyway.

- Fred. - Oh!

Good Lord, Sheila.

You, uh, you startled me.

It's natural to be a little on edge

after what just happened.

I, uh, I know you already know

but I, I-I planned on telling you everything.

You don't have to relive it, Fred.

It must have been painful enough just having been there

when Elaine...passed.

W-w-when she what now?

When your Aunt Elaine died.

I tried calling her, but the phone just rang and rang and..

That's when I knew.

I knew you knew.

And so you must also know about the money.

Is that the windfall?

The inheritance, yes.

She left us $14,000.

Minus a few incidentals.

[chuckles] I'm buying a new hose.

[laughing]

- Oh. - Oh.

(Tessa) 'I'm making grilled egg and cheese! Want one?'

Yes, I want one!

[instrumental music]

You gotta be kidding.