Original subtitles

(Tessa) If somebody put a gun to my head and forced me

to say my favorite thing about the suburbs

I would have to say it's the water pressure.

After all, the water doesn't have to inch it's way up

to the tenth floor like it did in the city.

It's always right there when you need it.

Gushing, powerful, hot.

[instrumental music]

'You're kidding me!'

Your water shut off, too?

I still have shampoo in my hair.

Trust me, I have a worse situation involving soft soap.

Should we call the super?

I am the super!

[doorbell dings]

- Okay. - Hey. Hi, what's going on?

I told you he had a good build.

I stand corrected.

Okay. What, uh, can I, can I help you?

Bad news, George, somebody ran over

the fire hydrant on your front lawn.

Okay, we-we don't have a fire hydrant on our front lawn.

Well, you do now.

[music continues]

[exhales]

Oh.

[water gushing]

Wow.

[theme music]

♪ Last night I had a pleasant nightmare ♪

♪ da-da-da-da da da da ♪♪

This is a first for Chatswin High

having an undercover narc on the premises.

It's very exciting.

It's like "The Wire!"

I don't know how exciting it is

the kids are using and distributing steroids.

Very. But I promise to keep this shizzle on the DL.

So's I don't blow up your spot.

I appreciate that.

Now I'm gonna introduce you

into the school population the way I introduce

every new student.

By assigning you a buddy.

Tessa!

Tessa!

[instrumental music]

This is Josh Sherman.

Josh is a new student here at our school

and since you're our most recent addition to Chatswin

I couldn't think of anyone better to show Josh the ropes.

Are you sure? I'm still looking for one to hang myself with.

[laughing] She's so wry.

[bell rings]

Moving here from a city is challenging at first.

There's a lot of stuff you've got to get used to.

Like what?

Who's this loser?

I'm Josh.

Is Tessa showing you around Losertown?

Well, if...this is Losertown

you a loser?

Oh, wow. Logic.

[instrumental music]

- Is everybody like-- - Most.

Most.

I mean, I thought Manhattan cost a fortune.

There hasn't been a single day since I moved here that

something hasn't broken down or needed painting

or caulking or weather-stripping or resurfacing.

Sounds like my wife.

[laughs] I'm just kidding.

Jill looks great for a woman in her 40s.

[laughs] I'm just joking.

I married too young.

[laughs] Stop me!

[chuckles]

[no audio] Hi.

[whispering] And that is my other problem.

- Dallas? - Yeah.

Look at the way she's smiling at me.

[clears throat]

That's the way she smiles at everybody.

Look at the way she's eating that banana.

[instrumental music]

♪ This is your fantasy.. ♪♪

That's the way she eats everything.

What? No, it is not. Trust me.

Things have been weird ever since she kissed me.

Whoa. Whoa, whoa, whoa!

And wait and what and huh? She kissed you? Where?

- On the lips. - No, where in the world?

Oh, at my house on Christmas. I told you that.

[chuckles] You most certainly did not tell me that.

I would have remembered that. She's smokin' hot!

- She's married. - Which makes it hotter.

- Your wife's married. - Yeah, but she's married to me.

Lisa, this is Josh.

He just moved here from Chicago.

Hi, Lisa.

[instrumental music]

I've never been to Chicago but I'm a big fan

of the musical and found Queen Latifah

to be an unexpected surprise in the movie version.

Nice meeting you.

I think I have a shot with him.

Why do you think that?

'Cause he hasn't had time to form an opinion

about me based on what everyone else thinks.

Just do me a favor and put in a good word for me, would you?

Just, I don't know, tell him I'm nice and smart..

[instrumental music]

'And not related to him.'

♪ Look at that thing look at that thing ♪

Tell him I'm adopted.

I think I left my car keys.

[slurping]

[keys jingling]

- Oh. - Lookin' for these, daddy? Oh!

- Oh. - Dallas.

Mr. Sneaky-face tried to sneak out without saying goodbye.

No, actually, Mr. I-Didn't-Wanna -Bother-You-Face

didn't wanna...bother you.

Well, I want you to bother me, George.

- You should know that. - I do know that, but

But I don't ...want to bother you.

I think you and I should talk.

- So talk. - Well, not here.

This club is full of busy bodies and nudgy-noses.

[whispering] This is private.

I'll call you.

[sighs]

[instrumental music]

She still has my car keys.

So, Josh, you remember

that girl Lisa I introduced

you to yesterday?

Nope.

You know, kinda dirty blonde hair hazel brown eyes

loves Queen Latifah.

Oh.

Lisa

No.

Josh.

She's super nice and smart

and...adopted

if you're into that sort of thing

which some people...are.

[instrumental music]

Who's that?

(Tessa) Wait a minute, I had spent enough time

in the West Village to recognize that look.

That look meant that Josh was never gonna like Lisa

because Josh was gay

and it was for lack of a better word..

...fabulous.

[instrumental music]

- Whatcha doin'? - Studying for a Spanish test.

Oh, well, if you're stuck on ceiling

el techo.

Or is that armpit?

So this new guy started at Chatswin today.

- Yeah? - He's super nice, real gay.

But I think he's in the closet which is bumming me out.

Right, because everybody has to be honest about who they are.

- Exactly. - Have you met people?

Very few of them are completely honest about who they are.

I am.

Then you'd have no problem with people knowing

you DVR "For the love of Ray J?"

(whispering) We all have our secrets.

[cellphone ringing]

Ugh.

[speaking in Spanish]

[speaking in French]

I took French.

(Dallas) 'Squeeze it.'

'You gotta squeeze it, George.'

(woman on speaker) 'No waiting on check stand two.'

[sighs] Oh. Hey, Dallas.

- What a coincidence. - Not really.

I followed you here.

- Yeah? - Here. Feel these.

- Feel my melons. - Okay.

See how full they feel in the palm of your hand?

That's how you know they're juicy and ready to eat.

Okay, you know, I-I don't think I'm gonna get

any melons anyway, so I'll see you later.

George, I've been calling you and you haven't answered

and I'm starting to feel like maybe you're avoiding me.

Avoiding you? That's crazy. I.. Why would I..

I-I wouldn't. I'm not.

Good, 'cause I have a proposal for you.

I would like for you to design my boutique--

Dallas, you are a married woman!

[Muzak music]

What does my being married have anything

to do with you designing my boutique?

Nothing. I-I-I just think the two of us--

Oh, look who it is!

Golden raisins.

(Sheila) 'George.'

Would you like a coupon for Ground Chuck?

- No, thanks. I'm fine. - Take the coupon, George.

- You're gonna need it. - What's that supposed to mean?

It means we're gonna hit you where it hurts, right in the--

- Cinnamon rolls. - What?

George, that geyser on your lawn

caused extensive water damage to our driveway.

And, sadly, we're gonna have to have the whole thing repaved.

Ooh, that sounds expensive, George.

Oh, it will be and if George doesn't pay for it, we'll sue.

- Don't want to. - But we will.

The Shays are a litigious people.

(Dallas) 'Well, what do you think, George?'

Half price on your Ground Chuck

or design my boutique?

(woman on speaker) 'Deli, line one.'

When do I start?

[bell ringing]

[instrumental music]

Hey! Tessa. Do you know Ryan Shay?

(Tessa) After all this time in Suburbia

my gaydar was still as finely tuned as Liberace's piano.

Yeah. I know Ryan. Why?

I don't know. Just...seems kinda popular.

Maybe the sorta guy I should kinda get to know.

Sorta kinda, huh?

- Yeah. - Because he's..."popular."

[chuckles]

Yeah. What's wrong with that?

Look, Josh, you can tell me the truth.

- The truth about what? - I'm not gonna judge you.

I'm from New York.

I have no idea what you're talking about.

Fine, fine.

I won't ask and you don't have to tell.

But just so you know, you're barking up the wrong tree

as far as Ryan Shay is concerned.

He is, tsk, straight as an arrow.

But his body ...it's so muscular.

I know.

And that's usually a telltale sign but..

Oh, my God. You do know.

[instrumental music]

- You can't out me. - I won't.

Nobody's ever figured it out before.

Wouldn't it be better if everyone knew

it was all out in the open?

What? No! Are you kidding? That would ruin me.

Man, I wish the world was a different place.

Yeah!

Okay, so Ryan Shay's not my guy.

Is there anybody else worth checking out?

I do have the sneaky suspicion of Dave Donsky.

School quarterback?

Donsky. Got it.

I'll sniff around. See what he's into.

- Not a word to anyone, right? - Right.

Thanks, Tessa.

[instrumental music]

[sighs]

I gotta get out of this closet.

[bell ringing]

So I saw you and Josh talking yesterday.

You think he likes me?

Almost.

What does that mean?

- He likes your brother. - Josh is gay?

We never had this conversation.

That's impossible.

Josh can't be gay.

The guy who carves our meat..

♪ Ta-da ♪

...now he's gay but Josh?

Easy to spot the obvious ones.

You're forgetting about guys like Dave Donsky.

The quarterback? He's the most masculine guy in school.

- Gay. - Not gay.

- Clay Aiken-gay. - Clay Aiken's not gay.

He's just a tender soul.

Lisa, he's openly gay.

He's as gay as Josh..

...who is gay.

You don't understand.

Josh is my destiny. I know he is.

I've already gone online and ordered computer renderings

of what our future children will look like.

Where did you obtain these photos?

buildmybabies.com.

The little boy looks like a serial killer.

Who, Losh? He's just misunderstood.

I'm afraid you're gonna have to find someone else

to procreate with.

Josh is playing for the other team.

Well, guess what?

It's draft season

and I predict Josh will switch teams.

I can turn him.

I am ballsy enough to try.

I'm sure Josh will like that quality.

Uhh! You the man.

(male #1) No, you the man.

(both) Uhh! You the man, man!

You the man, too, man.

(male #2) 'Come on, man.'

Whoo!

[all grunting]

[indistinct yelling]

[telephone ringing]

Mr. Wolfe, do you have a minute?

Absolutely. I'm just bidding

on a "Perfect Strangers" box set and..

[taps key]

I'm all yours. I'm not sure they really were cousins.

Who knows?

Anyway..

I feel sort of embarrassed coming to you about this

but...I have this friend who's ashamed to be gay

and...refuses to come out.

Let me guess. It's you.

No, it's a friend.

It always is.

Anyway, I thought maybe you could tell me

how...you handled it.

Handled what?

Coming out.

From Indiana? Oh, it was no big deal.

I just packed some bags and jumped on a bus.

Uh..

Okay.

But let's get back to your "friend."

Right. Uh..

He just seems like such a great guy

and...I know he'll never be happy living a lie.

It's like I always say to my GF, Heidi.

"Heidi, I love you. I love being heterosexual with you.

"But if for some reason you're not feeling it

"just let me know so I can find another woman

to be heterosexual with, because I have needs."

Sounds like you guys have a great relationship.

I just wish my friend would realize

that people who don't accept you for who you are

aren't worth knowing anyway.

Totally.

Isn't she gorgeous? She's a Virgo.

Oh, George.

Doesn't this space just ooze potential?

It oozes, alright.

I am finally ready to share my passion with the world.

So what, shoes? Purses?

Shoes and purses? How shallow do you think I am?

I'm selling paperweights.

P-p-paperweights?

Oh, not just paperweights.

Crystal paperweights with 3D laser-etchings

of your loved ones.

Look.

This is me and Yakult.

'See how it's like a little hologram in there?'

Here's Dalia.

And this one, oh, is you.

'Oh!'

I bet your brain is just spinning

thinking about all the things we can do in here

'on the ceiling, on the floor.'

[gasps] Up against this wall.

- Okay, Dallas, that is enough. - Beg pardon?

Let's just talk about what we're really talking about here.

This job, this...whole store..

It's an excuse to spend time with me.

[laughs]

Well, someone's self-esteem is intact.

Oh, come on. Laser-etched 3D crystal paperweights?

Who the hell wants those?

People who love the spectacular.

'Oh, please.'

The only thing spectacular here

is the lengths you are willing to go

to trying to seduce me.

So thank you very much

but I am done thinking about what we could do

up against that wall.

I was talking about a display case!

Ohh!

Sorry, dude. High five.

Lisa?

Don't harsh me, bro. High five.

- Why are you dressed-- - Dressed like a man?

'Cause I am a man.

High five.

I don't...want to.

That's cool.

[chuckles] Bye, Lisa.

Bye, bro.

Hey, Tessa. Tessa.

Hey, I just wanted to, uh, thank you

'for turning me on to Dave.'

So things worked out?

Hmm. Are you kidding?

I'm gonna nail this guy, Tessa..

...today.

Today?

Don't you wanna take things a little slower?

Absolutely not. He's the one.

Can't let him get away. In fact..

[whispers] ...do you wanna watch it go down?

Wh-where's it gonna go down?

Right here. In the hallway.

'Right...now.'

Police. Freeze! Jump him!

Go, go, go, go, go.

[grunting]

Narcotics division, New York Police Department.

You are under arrest for the possession

'and sale of steroids.'

You have the right to remain silent.

Uhh!

'Anything you say can and will be used against you..'

(Tessa) As I watched it go down

I realized I shouldn't be pulling anyone over

on the homosexual highway

because my gay-dar was clearly broken.

- How is my famous chicken parm? - Kind of dry.

Well, yeah, that-that's what it's famous for.

Remember that new kid I was telling you about at school?

The gay one?

Turns out he wasn't so much gay

as he was an undercover narcotics officer

who wasn't gay.

A narc? They still do that?

- Apparently. - Wow.

And apparently I'm the idiot for thinking

I understood the guy when I was completely wrong.

'I can't believe I jumped to a conclusion like that.'

I feel so stupid.

You're not stupid, Tess. You're just an Altman.

[indistinct chatter on TV]

On the ceiling, on the floor.

Oh, we could do it right here right up against this wall.

- Uh, Dallas. - Oh, George!

Joe, why don't you get that bid to me ASAP

and I'll get back to you even ASAPer, okay?

Okay, fine.

- Hey. - Hey.

So Joe seems like a good guy.

He is. You must be shocked to see

I'm going forward with my store

considering it was all just a ploy to spend time with you.

Okay, so maybe I jumped to the wrong conclusion.

I think it's hereditary.

But look, I mean, after what happened at Christmas..

Christmas? Oh, of course.

- The kiss? - Yes, the kiss.

George, that kiss had nothing to do with you.

- That was about me and Steven. - How so?

It's no secret things aren't perfect between him and I.

I spent so much time keeping my head down

just carrying out my duties as a wife, as a mother

as a size two.

Sometimes I have to remind myself to look up

and think about the things that I want, and then I did

and, and there you were

standing in the wrong place at the wrong time, I guess.

I guess.

My marriage may not be perfect

but, George, I'm fixing to rediscover myself.

I'm fixing to laser-engrave my own happiness

into a glistening ball of crystal.

I'm a store owner. I'm an entrepreneur.

I'm an independent woman in the 2000-teens.

Holla!

So what do you think?

The job is still yours if you want it.

I want it.

Ahh! George.

Okay, I'm gonna have my lawyer draw up

some contracts just as soon as possible.

So that-that kiss

that was...about you and Steven, then?

Yep.

Because, I mean..

You know, it felt like it was

about you and me.

No. It wasn't.

[instrumental music]

[indistinct chattering]

So he's not gay?

No. But he is married.

Okay. So, we're looking at a sister-wife situation here.

Right.

So lose the hat.

Announcement, everybody.

'Announcement.'

As I'm sure you heard by now

Chatswin High had its very own undercover narcotics officer

snooping around the school for illegal substances.

Laxatives are not illegal.

[students murmuring]

Any-who, I just want everyone to remember

that if someone offers you drugs of any kind, say no.

And if a stranger offers to drive you home from school

say no.

And if the cafeteria ever serves veal medallions again

say no.

Seriously, you guys.

Oh, and one more announcement. I'm gay.

So from this point on, I will be driving a Miata.

Please let me know if you have any questions.

Thank you so much for the encouragement, Tessa.

I can finally be open about my passion

for deep V-neck T-shirts and anti-aging face creams

and ice skating in August and Stephen Sondheim

"Dieux Du Stade.."

(Tessa) So Josh wasn't gay, and Donsky was going to juvie

but at least something good came out of all this

and that something was Mr. Wolfe.