Original subtitles

[instrumental music]

(Tessa) They say it's always quiet before the storm

but here in the suburbs, it's just quiet.

[swallows noisily]

What was that?

I...swallowed.

[crunching]

Hear that?

- I can't eat any quieter. - 'No. Listen.'

[sirens wailing]

Sirens. Police sirens!

How great is it to not hear that all the time?

Are you kidding? It sounds like home.

What chirping birds are to the suburbs

police sirens are to the city

and for a homesick girl, this was music to my ears.

A siren could signify almost anything.

Arson, murder.

- Dolls! - Dolls?

Someone stole my entire Shirley temple doll collection.

Can you describe the dolls, ma'am?

Lollipop Shirley was last seen wearing a sailor outfit.

Um, Curly Top Shirley was wearing

a red polka dot dress with cap sleeves.

Or was that Red Eyes.

I don't know what's wrong with me. I'm so flustered..

Take a deep breath, ma'am.

It's natural to be a little shaken up.

Well, of course I am shaken up.

They're valuable dolls, collectibles.

Original Shirleys, mint condish.

The cops are here for dolls?

I've been up since 4:00 a.m.

This is so exciting.

It's probably the most exciting thing

to ever happen around here.

Yeah. I bet it is.

[theme music]

♪ Last night I had a pleasant nightmare ♪

♪ Da-da-da-da da da da da ♪♪

I don't know. Try to fit her in at 3:00.

Yes!

I am on my way in right now.

God. I am sorry that I am late.

It has been a crazy morning.

I mean, this break-in is a gift.

I mean, terrible for the shays, of course

but great if you're in the dental games.

They're not asking you to look at the doll's

dental records, are they?

This whole town is on edge.

They are grinding their teeth.

They are thrusting their tongues.

Based on the phone calls this morning, I'm going to be

molding mouth guards for months.

Well, too bad it wasn't a murder, huh?

I wish. So what about you, huh?

You should be cashing in on this, too.

I'm an architect. Frightened people rarely add bonus rooms.

Mm, but what about panic rooms?

"Inside Celebrity Panic Rooms." Seriously?

Wait. You have a subscription to this?

Yeah. Check out Bono's safe room.

It doubles as a recording studio

and Jay-Z's panic shelter

it has a cognac bar and a disco.

You really think people around here

would go for that kind of thing?

- Hey. Oh, my God. - Hey.

George, did you hear about the break-in?

I am in a full-blown panic.

- My husband's out of town. - Mm-hmm.

I haven't felt this vulnerable since I test-drove a smart car.

Dallas is in a panic, George. Do you have any suggestions?

Maybe you could take a few precautions

to make your house feel safe.

- Okay. - Mm?

[gasps] Oh. I want it.

I need it. I have to have it. How soon can you start?

[chuckles] I'm not gonna take commission on this

but you can get me breakfast.

I'm gonna have the lobster omelet.

Okay, I'll.. Uh, Dallas, are you ordering?

Oh, I don't eat in public.

Lunch was giving me the evil eye

and so was my high school Nemesis, Dalia

the girl who personified what I hate about the suburbs.

Hey.

Students. Students.

I must interrupt lunch with a message

that is both shocking and upsetting.

Something happened this morning

that threatens the quality of life as we know it.

Is this about the dolls? Can't be about the dolls.

It is about the dolls.

Potentially violent criminals

are targeting the homes of Chatswin High students.

This is what we call a teachable moment.

Let's chat about crime.

Lisa, you're a victim, in so many ways.

- Mm. - How does that feel?

Mm. Mnh-mnh.

Mmm. Mnh-mnh. Mmm-mm.

[chuckles] Mnh-mnh.

I think that's her way of saying, it feels bad.

Keep eating.

If we don't keep eating, they win.

[murmuring]

I just want to say

it's pretty obvious who committed the crime.

- It wasn't me. - Not you.

This crime spree started when certain people moved here

from New York, New York, New-New York.

She's talking about me.

Remember Ray from Ray's Pizza?

Ray was a good guy.

Remember how saucy their Sicilian was?

We're not moving back to New York.

Come on, George.

This place is stupid.

In the city, if someone called the cops

over missing dolls, they'd be arrested.

It does show you how much less crime there is here, though

how much safer it is than our old neighborhood.

[doorbell rings]

Safer? Unh-unh.

This place is all bitches, backstabbers, and Botox.

[knock on door]

Dalia?

Did I accidentally summon you?

[panting] Oh!

Thanks, Tessa, for letting us seek refuge.

Thank you. George, we're here!

When night fell, we just panicked

and being that there's no panic room

to panic in, we came here.

I have to tell you, we felt like sitting ducks over there in that

big, professionally decorated house of ours.

But this feels wonderfully safe, though.

It feels claustrophobic.

It's not claustrophobic. It's snug.

It feels sticky.

It does feel a little sticky.

[clears throat]

Uh, excuse me.

Maybe they want to be around familiar faces.

We are not that familiar. We just moved here. It's weird.

Okay, it is a little weird

but.. Come on, it's just one night.

so like-like Oprah says that Maya Angelou says

"Troubles are a blessing that force you to change."

- So now you watch "Oprah"? - I'm up a lot at night.

Oh. Dalia spit up the tiniest bit.

- Oh. - From her claustrophobia.

[chuckles]

You feel it? We're changing, like Maya said.

[instrumental music]

Alright.

Oh. Wow.

[chuckles] Uh, how did, how did you..

Do this?

I just found a box marked "Good dishes"

'and then I used my pashmina as a table runner'

snuck over to Sheila Shay's, cut a dozen roses.

It was nothing. Five minutes.

But we always eat pizza off paper plates. Right, George?

Yeah, but, I mean, It wouldn't kill us

to eat off real plates.

I just thought you could use a woman's touch.

A woman's touch. Well, that-that's very nice.

- Right, Tessa? - Right, Oprah.

Oh, Tessa. Tessa, here. You come sit next to Dalia.

I thought you girls might want to gossip about school

and boys and birth control.

Okay. Let's eat.

Dear Lord

thank you for this pizza we are about to receive

'and even though all this cheese means'

for sure Dalia will be gassy tonight

and even though one slice probably exceeds

your entire recommended daily caloric intake..

The Lord set a daily caloric intake.

Tessa, shh.

We ask that you ease our digestion

and help us burn this meal off swiftly.

Amen.

- Amen. - Amen.

[doorbell rings]

Oh, no. Missy, where do you think you're going?

- To answer the door. - Oh, no. No, no. No.

We don't answer the door during dinner.

Mnh-mnh.

Unless, of course, they ring twice.

That means it's urgent or a package

or an urgent package.

[doorbell rings]

I'm sorry.

- Ah! - What?

We do not eat until everyone is present.

Give it. Give it to me.

Tessa, hi.

Just letting everyone know the Shirleys haven't appeared

on eBay or any of the official Shirley trading sites.

Okay. Thanks for the update.

[sobbing] It's me, isn't it?

They stole the dolls to get back at me.

This was a personal attack, wasn't it?

You know, I'm not really supposed

to answer the door during dinner.

Oh, hey, Sheila.

What's the word from the cabbage patch?

This is all very funny to you, but I am not laughing.

Now if you will excuse me, I have a pile

of freshly laundered doll clothes to fold.

That's what my night looks like!

[instrumental music]

I'd been sentenced to life in the suburbs

but I held on to the hope that I might get out early

for good behavior.

So that meant putting up with Dalia for the night.

Your room is so small.

It's even smaller than the rest of your house.

Generally, that's how it works.

The rooms inside the house are smaller than the house.

That's how they fit 'em in.

My dad's an architect.

[clicks tongue] Drugstore makeup.

Tragic.

Tragic is loading yourself up

with so much mascara, you can't blink.

[instrumental music]

I can blink.

Ow.

I'm s-sorry. Was that in your way?

Oh, I wasn't sure if it was gonna be

but now it's for sure not.

Wow. What do you need all of this for?

I need all this, for all this.

[both chuckling]

Except this. I need this for...this.

- Corn? - Pre-corn.

Well, okay. Well, you're all set.

I'm just gonna grab some..

- What are these? - Yoga pants.

- Okay. Where are my things? - Oh, you mean your undies?

I moved 'em so I could fit my yoga pants.

Dallas, you do not touch a-a man's undies

unless he tells you you can.

Well, you didn't say I couldn't.

There are certain boundaries, and my undies..

Underwear are on the other side of that boundary.

Don't be silly, George.

- I'm not being silly. - Oh.

- Aah! What is that? - It's lavender.

- It promotes a restful sleep. - It also stings a little.

- You know what you should do? - What?

You should get some underwear like the soccer players wear

like, the 3/4 brief like Beckham

'cause honestly, these are so unflattering.

I mean, big old dumpy boxer shorts.

Nobody wants to see you in these, George.

Give me those, I do not need new underwear

or lavender spritzes.

I enjoy answering the door during dinner

and quite frankly, nothing makes me happier

than eating pizza off a paper plate.

Oh, and, Dallas, for the record, that ain't pre-corn.

That's a full-blown corn.

[gasps]

- I believe it was Oprah who-- - You shut up.

George rarely slammed doors.

I took this as a good sign.

Something told me the situation

was going to take care of itself.

Mm. You can't sit with us.

Mm. No, this is the cool table.

Mm-mm.

Unreal. She even sleeps like a bitch.

[metal clattering]

[snoring]

[dramatic music]

- Ooh! - Shh, shh, shh.

- You scared the crap out of me! - Go back to upstairs.

I'll take care of this.

[clattering]

[intense music]

No, no, no. We're not doing that.

Give me the bat.

[clattering]

Shh! Baby.

[thud]

[music continues]

We're from New York!

[screaming]

- Dallas! - Drop your curtain rod!

- It's just me. - Okay, go, go, go.

Go back to bed, sweetheart.

Should I bring their car around?

What? No, go. Just go. Please.

Dallas, what are you, what are you doing

in my laundry room eating a ham and cheese?

- This is a croque-monsieur. - At 3:30 in the morning?

I'm an emotional eater

and I was feeling a little guilty.

For what, touching my underwear

or macing me with lavender?

Well, I really put you on the spot

when Dalia and I showed up at your door.

And you had every right to throw that hissy fit earlier.

[chuckles] Right, I don't know if I'd call it a hissy fit.

Yeah, it was.

Well, I guess I did lose my cool a little.

It's been a long time since I've..

...shared my space with anyone, you know?

Well, it's hard doing it alone.

I mean, Steven travels so much, he's gone more than he's here.

Sometimes I feel like a single parent.

So a croque-monsieur, huh? I mean, I don't know.

It looks like a ham and cheese to me.

To the layman.

[chuckles]

Ooh, la la.

[both laughing]

Dalia and I survived the night, but the next morning

we were anxious to put our sleepover behind us.

Well, I hate ugly goodbyes, but.. Good-bye, ugly.

- And...voila. - Ah!

Next weekend, I'll make you French toast.

- Next weekend? - Oh, no.

Next weekend is the apple festival, right?

Oh, yeah. I can't wait.

You really think the girls are gonna like it, though?

No, the girls won't like it.

(Dalia) 'Oh, it's the apple festival.'

They have a hayride that takes you

right to the Chowder festival.

Oh, really? Wow.

I had no idea there were so many festivals here.

Oh, yes, honey. Every weekend.

Our families are gonna have so much fun together.

George left me with no choice.

I had to plan my escape.

When planning an escape

it is important to have someone else in on the job

someone without a moral code.

Hey, Dalia, wait up.

Take a lap.

Look, you don't wanna spend time with me

and I don't wanna spend time with you.

And I don't wanna spend time with you, either.

Right.

So I've got a plan.

Are you gonna fake a pregnancy?

Kenzie faked a pregnancy last year

to get out of Earth science.

No, but..

Let's keep that idea in our back pocket.

She got a lot of really cute stuff for the baby.

She faked a girl.

My plan's a little different.

If good behavior couldn't get me out early

maybe bad behavior would.

[whistles]

Listen, I talked to a few more

neighbors about the panic room idea.

Oh, you know what, I appreciate you putting the word out

but I've been sort of rethinking that whole thing.

Well, I wish you would've told me before I put the word out.

[laughs] What, what happened? Suddenly you don't like money?

Mm.. No.

I feel like I'm taking advantage of people's fears.

Look, dentistry, no, the whole medical industry

is based on fear.

Fear is what bought me a summer home in the Finger Lakes.

[laughs]

These people are our neighbors, you know?

We're supposed to look out for each other.

Isn't that the whole reason people live in the suburbs?

That and the festivals.

Javier, see if they have a dozen of these in the dove gray.

Jeremy, I love those frames.

- So the dolls are still gone. - Uh-huh.

My mom's a basket case. She can't sleep. She paces.

I've never seen her so miserable.

Mm.

[instrumental music]

Would you call this a tortoise?

Yeah, I guess.

- Doll thief! - Me?

I accuse you, Tessa Altman

of stealing that weird woman's dolls!

That's not true. Right, Tessa?

[murmuring]

You're accusing me of being the notorious Chatswin burglar?

Did you hear that, Mr. Wolfe?

- Get to class, Jeremy. - Yeah, right.

What up? What's going down?

Tessa stole the dolls. I know for a fact she did it.

She bragged about it last night

when I slept over in her tiny, gross room.

Whoa, the last thing anyone wants is a girl fight.

There must be some mistake.

There is no way my daughter stole dolls.

I understand how comforting denial can be.

I often endorse it for our obese students.

But in this case, she confessed.

- Wh-what? What? - It's true. I did it.

You stole Shirley temple dolls? Really?

Yeah. I don't know why.

Maybe I'm bored

or maybe I've been acting out.

Maybe the suburbs aren't as good for me as you thought they were.

She was always an outsider.

I was, and I tried.

I, I really did.

But maybe..

I don't know. This is just me spitballing here, but..

Maybe we should move back to New York..

..where we belong.

Well, it's something to consider.

Best of luck to you, Tessa.

You really brightened these hallways.

Oh, and all yearbook preorders are nonrefundable.

Outside company. Nothing I can do.

Had I gotten away with the perfect crime

or was I being played like a game of words with friends?

Wonder if I should swing by the post office

pick up a change of address form?

- You can do that online. - Oh. That'll make it easy.

Look at this! Perfect crime.

(George) Yeah, there's just one thing we need to do first.

Awe, words with friends!

[whirs]

Tiny overalls. Hand-stitched.

Breaks my heart.

[sighs]

Maybe there's someone out there who can use them.

Another collector or..

Someone with a pet monkey.

Maybe a small farmer.

Tessa, isn't there something you'd like to say. To Sheila?

Oh, this really doesn't seem like a good time.

Oh, no, please.

I need to focus on something other than the Shirleys.

Well, it's about the Shirleys.

- I took them. - You took my girls?

Tessa.

Have I done something to you, injured you in some way?

No. It's not that.

Because if I have, I am truly sorry.

Because I realize now for you to do something so wicked to me

I must have done something even more wicked to you.

You did, mother, but not to her, to me.

So if you want to apologize, I'm listening.

After everything I have done for you?

What-what have you, what have you ever done for me

except crush my spirit, take away my dessert

give my cat up for adoption?

Lisa did the crime

but something told me I was gonna serve the time.

So, when did you figure me out?

The moment you were born?

So there's, like, zero chance we're moving back to New York?

Less than that.

[sighs]

You have every right to punish me.

If I miss out on the Chowder festival..

...it is my own damn fault.

Which part of "From the moment you were born"

did you not understand?

All I could think about was, if my bedroom

smelled that bad after Dalia ate pizza

what the hell was the car ride home from the Chowder festival

gonna be like?