Original subtitles

(Tessa) In the animal kingdom

when a young primate is

without its mother..

[doorbell rings]

[singing in foreign language]

...a neighboring matriarch will often assume responsibility.

(George) 'What's this?'

Are you kidding? Again with the no pudding.

- This is absurd. - Who made you that lunch?

The thing is, dad was pretty territorial himself.

I don't know, George. One of the moms.

Which mom?

Sheila? Was it Sheila Shay?

Okay, look, sometimes Sheila makes me lunch

and it's usually pretty good.

She's a magician with the chicken salad.

A magician? Really?

Yeah, but recently, she's been crapping out on the pudding

and, I'm not sure how to broach it.

You don't think it's a little weird that she makes you lunch..

You're the one who wanted to move here. Not me.

When I leave you lunch money every day?

Almost every day.

You forgot twice last week.

But it's not a big deal, George.

On the days you forget

I either go surrogate brown bag

or I withdraw cash from the college fund

that Sheila started in my name.

I mean, you're kidding.

It's a very robust account.

Throws off a lot of interest.

[instrumental music]

It wasn't just the college fund

that was bothering dad.

Thank you, George.

The neighborhood thanks you.

It was Sheila Shay.

(Sheila) 'You missed a spot.'

She said she was just being neighborly

but it was pretty obvious she was trying to co-parent.

One capful at a time.

Get your bag.

I'm driving you to school.

Are you sure, because Sheila offered--

Get your bag.

[theme song]

♪ Last night I had ♪

♪ A pleasant nightmare ♪

♪ Da da da da da da da daa ♪♪

Let's get involved, moms.

Without the "P," we're just "T" and "A."

Hey, step it up, Karen. All hands on deck.

- What deck? - Oh, George! Hey.

I'm just doing a little PTA recruitment.

We lost Joann June Bach.

She was the one who was arrested

for giving her daughter Botox.

- She gave her daughter Botox? - Anywho!

Joann lost custody and after that

she really fell apart.

Well, sure. I imagine, losing your daughter--

No, I'm talking about her daughter.

Without the Botox, she fell apart.

[scoffs] Fifteen going on fifty.

I swear, the saddest thing.

She got these..

...and then she got these..

Tessa! All good on lunch?

- All good on lunch. - Oh, all good on lunch, Sheila.

- B-bye, honey. - Bye.

Look, I-I, I really appreciate the gesture

but you don't need to do that anymore.

I-I've got it covered. You can stop.

It's my sincere pleasure, George.

No-no. I don't think you understand.

What I'm saying is, I want you to stop.

I understand what you're saying.

- But I'm not gonna stop. - Bye, mom.

See, as President of the PTA

I see all the children as my own.

I said bye--

That's why each and every one of them

gets my undivided attention.

I'm going to class.

Alright! You're going to class.

Congratulations.

I'll see you at pickup, honey.

You know, maybe I should join the PTA.

Sounds-sounds like a fun way for a hands-on parent

'such as myself to get involved.'

[laughs] You in the PTA? God, no.

Are you telling me I cannot join the PTA?

No, I'm telling you you shall not join the PTA.

- I can't? - You shan't.

Oh, but I shall, Sheila.

The thing is...I shall.

My, this is getting downright Elizabethan.

The school hallway can be a hostile environment

so, I decided to take a cue from the giant mudskipper

of Borneo and burrow..

...in the girls' room.

(Wolfe) 'Tessa, can I come in?'

[door creaks]

What are you doing in the girls' room?

I could ask you the same thing.

Tessa, your third period is an elective.

I know. I elect to read.

In the bathroom.

[instrumental music]

There are many enriching electives to choose from.

Day trading..

...flat-ironing..

...drama..

Because I said that I was

into him and you both

went for him anyway.

We didn't go for him, Kimantha.

He went for us, Kimantha.

Kaitlyn, Kenzie, you skanks are real whores.

- You're a whore! - No, you're a whore!

- You're a whore. - Yeah.

I'd like to avoid dealing with the KKK.

(Kaitlyn) 'You're a whore!'

Kenzie, Kaitlyn, and Kimantha.

- 'You're both whores.' - 'Okay.'

Tessa, I'm stumped.

What kind of elective are you interested in?

Do you have anything unpopular and poorly supervised?

School newspaper. But you don't want that.

Don't I?

Located in the basement

"The Chatswin Chronicle"

was the perfect place

to fly below radar.

Hello?

Hello.

Hey. I'm Tessa.

I signed up for the school newspaper

as an elective or whatever.

Look, I-I don't know what you're expecting

but you're gonna need to lower your expectations.

I think we're good. I expect nothing.

No one reads "The Chatswin Chronicle."

(Malik) They line the hamster cage with it in the science lab.

They clean up vomit with it in the cafeteria.

I'm told they use three copies to steady a table leg

in the teachers' lounge.

I think that hurts the most.

So if no one reads it..

...why do you publish it?

Um, because I believe.

That's why I dedicate all my free time to the paper.

Except Wednesday nights.

What's Wednesday nights?

That's when the "Medium" fan club meets

to re-enact scenes from the TV show "Medium."

(Tessa) If the school paper wasn't already unpopular

this kid's name on the masthead wasn't gonna help.

[chuckles]

Ladies, I would like to introduce everyone

to our newest and only member with a member..

[laughter]

- George Altman. - Oh, wow.

Okay. Well, I-I..

I promise not to hold my membership against you.

[laughing]

Alright, can we settle, please? Can we focus up and settle?

Can I have all eyes up here, please, and settle?

First order of business.

Ah!

Has Tessa Altman had all of her shots?

'Is she up to date on her immunizations?'

- You're kidding me. - No!

We know that you tend to be a little busy.

Okay, you know what?

I may not mother the way you mothers mother

but I am a caring and responsible parent.

And, yes, I also happen to be a working parent.

In case you've never met one before, hello, how do you do?

How do you do?

And working parents sometimes forget things

and sometimes they run late, but that is because

we are juggling more than you.

- George. - How dare you.

We work very hard.

With all due respect, the PTA is not a job.

It's a club.

(George) 'And certain club members need to realize'

that life isn't all lemon bars and lemonade.

Although, these are top-notch.

Also, the lemonade is very good.

- You are out of order, George. - What's the matter, Sheila?

Not enjoying my unsolicited opinions

and overbearing presence?

You know, that's it! I am gaveling you!

- You are being gaveled! - You're gaveling me?

Maybe it's time somebody gaveled you.

[women gasping]

The PTA has not been this exciting

since Connie Kushell had her psychotic break.

- Ooh! Which one's Connie? - Right here.

- So, you're gonna drop out? - No. No.

If I quit the PTA now, Sheila wins.

I just don't understand it. Women usually like me.

George, cucumber-infused wash cloth?

- I'm fine. - Yeah, you are.

Seriously, though, man..

...what do you think I should do?

Well, if I were you, I'd ask her out.

What, Sheila?

No. Jocelyn the wash cloth girl.

Man, what is wrong with you?

You are so obsessed with MILFs

that you don't even notice the ILFs.

Malik needed some honest feedback

and honestly, "The Chatswin Chronicle"

was as lame as the way he spent Wednesday nights.

And I see you spent a full page here

on the cafeteria menu.

Hey, I broke "No More Fish Tacos"

a full week before the announcement.

- Cool. - I know.

And still no one reads "The Chatswin Chronicle."

Chronicle's not even a word.

It is a word.

Chronicle sounds like something

on the side of a boat.

You mean barnacle?

Maybe we should change the name of the paper.

It's obviously confusing some people.

Yeah, and also, it's boring.

But, you guys, seriously, you know who has fat knees?

Hannah McCleary, and it's weird

because the rest of her is thin.

Malik, that's the kind of stuff

these people care about, not word jumbles.

But it's a newspaper.

Well, it was news to me

when I saw her fat knees.

Don't you see?

The reason these kids aren't reading your paper

is because most of them are..

...gossipy, superficial

mean-spirited materialists..

...like Dalia.

Yeah. And you know what else?

I heard Terry Garson from Boys' Lacrosse

lost his virginity to Stacy Unger from cheer

and I know for a fact..

...she has cellulite.

There you have it.

So, you're saying if I want

people to read my paper all I have to do

is trash the kids we go to school with?

And I understand why you might not want--

I'm in!

Since I was forced to take an elective

I elected to help.

We can call it "The Chatswin Chatterer."

(Dalia) Chatterer is not a word.

I mean..

..it is.

[grunts]

104.

George! Oh, I'll be right back, hon.

George!

- George, hey! - Hey.

I'm glad I caught you.

I want to talk to you about something

that may be none of my business

but also kinda is.

You need to drop out of the PTA.

What? Why?

Today's meeting was a total disaster

in case you didn't notice.

You offended just about every one of those women.

Yeah, well, they offended me.

Individually, they're harmless

but when they work together, they can be a real bitch.

I'm not gonna just disappear

because Sheila doesn't like me.

George, these women are pack animals.

Hey, Beth.

And like it or not

you're never gonna be a part of their pack.

Well, that's fine, but I'm not quitting the PTA.

Those women are judging me, and I have just

as much right to be there as they do.

Well, I suspect Sheila is gonna do everything

in her power to make you feel otherwise.

Oh-oh, really?

Well, let me assure you of one thing, Dallas.

In the, in the fight between, uh

Sheila Shay and George Altman..

...it's gonna be Altman.

[instrumental music]

You can't take those towels off the property!

The next day, "The Chatswin Chatterer"

debuted as a hit.

Students expressed their excitement

with the ultimate sign of approval.

Speaking in acronyms.

OMG!

- LMAO! - OMG! IMHO!

This is photo-shopped.

OMG! Did you see page four? BRB.

OMG! TMI!

VTL? HHIS!

STBY!

It's like a whole new take on the word jumble.

Malik went from being the kid people wanted out of the way

to the kid people got out of the way of.

[instrumental music]

Sheila.

Great party.

I can't believe he had the nerve to show up.

Okay, plan B. Let's go.

[glass clinking]

(Connie) 'Ladies!'

- Tonight we are united as moms. - Hear, hear.

And as moms, we all know the stress

that carrying a child can place

on our chi and on our chichi.

So, tonight's activity is a workout

which will do wonders for your self-esteem

and...incontinence.

[women gasping]

[laughing]

[hip-hop music]

Ahh..

- Yeah. - Uh-oh.

Oh, yeah!

Whoo!

Bet you feel like disappearing right about now.

♪ That's incredible looking so damn edible ♪

♪ And I gotta say hello trying to step in the club.. ♪♪

[gasps]

[women hooting]

Ha ha!

[applauding]

Oh, yeah!

Ooh..

Huh? Huh?

'Huh?'

Haa..

Ha-haa..

What is she doing?

Morning routine?

[sobs]

Oh! I-I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

I-I-I tried, you guys, but this isn't me. I'm not sexy.

Oh! Deena Doogan, don't you dare say that!

You are so sexy!

Isn't she, everybody?

Thanks, guys, but, uh, it's, it's really not true.

My, uh, husband and I have not been intimate

in almost a decade.

I cook, I clean, I-I do everything

but he still doesn't want me.

It's because you do everything for him.

That's the problem.

Men need to be needed.

- Your husband feels-- - Emasculated?

- Definitely. - Marginalized?

- 'No question.' - Impotent?

I'm not a doctor, but look..

...if you want him to want you..

...just let him come to the rescue every now and then.

That's all I'm saying.

This is ridiculous!

Are you moms gonna sit here and take advice

about men from a man?

[laughs]

George may not have been mom enough for Sheila

but at that moment

Sheila wasn't man enough for the moms.

Hi. I have a question about my husband.

- Me, too. - Me, too.

(female #2) 'We're not really done talking about my situation.'

One at a time, ladies. Don't grab.

So wait, you joined the PTA, so that you could

put a self-righteous mom in her place

and now you are the head

of the self-righteous moms?

What's up, Rhonda?

OMG! She looks 50!

[George laughs] 'No, no, no, no.'

We have garage-a-palooza.

- Garage-a-palooza? - It's a garage sale.

- You sound crazy. - Okay.

Well, why don't you bring a nice top to change into?

Uh, how about the pink one?

George wasn't the only one who was changing.

I hardly recognize Malik anymore.

And it wasn't just because of "The Godfather" hat.

Are you coming to the pep rally, Malik?

Kenzie's gonna do a back handspring.

Wouldn't miss it for the world!

I felt responsible.

I had totally upset the ecosystem.

(all) Hi, Tessa.

Hi, Tessa. I made you a rice krispie treat.

Can you hold on to that? I'm about to go pee.

Amberley saved you the good stall.

I longed for the days when I could hide out

in the handicapped stall unnoticed.

Is this a bad time?

I just got a tip on a story from Dalia, and it's ba-nay-nay.

Lisa Shay, she's a thumb-sucker.

Dalia says she goes to non-fiction

'during study hall to do it.'

Oh, my God!

What was Dalia doing in non-fiction?

Who cares? Front page of "The Chatterer," bitches!

Malik, we can't run this story.

- It's messed up. - 'Yeah.'

Well, everything we publish is messed up

and that was your idea

and now the paper's a huge hit. Ba-nay-nay.

- Why do you keep saying that? - It's my new catchphrase.

- You don't like it? - I hate it.

Well, I could try banizz-nas, instead.

Stick with ba-nay-nay.

Okay, first order of business..

Uh, Rhonda.

My husband says he doesn't want to go out because he's tired

but then he spends the whole night awake watching ESPN.

Oh, what he means is he's tired of doing what you want to do.

And in the past, have you tried engaging

in hobbies that he enjoys?

I've tried, but I don't like internet pornography.

George, Teacher Appreciation Day is on Monday

and we still haven't decided on how we plan

to show our gratitude to the faculty.

Right. I think we should do it by saying thank you.

- With? - Our mouths.

- And also? - Hand gestures?

[whispers] Individual rose bouquets.

Yes, of course, individual rose bouquets.

Um, now in the past

Sheila has harvested the rose bouquets from her garden.

- Perfect. - Ah.

Sheila's no longer with us.

Right. Okay. So who wants to do the rose bouquets?

[birds chirping]

Nobody? Okay, fine. I'll do it.

Um, but you're doing the refreshments.

Well, I'll do the refreshments

and the rose bouquets.

But you still need to finish my skylight.

George was quickly learning that life with the mothers

could be a real mother.

Malik was drunk with power.

It was time for him to sober up.

Media mogul..

...or...medium?

What?

Oh, just something I'm working on.

What are you doing? I thought we were friends.

I thought we were, too

but I also thought we were friends with Lisa Shay.

Why did you think we were friends with Lisa Shay?

Because I live across the street from her.

Well, guess what. I don't.

Look what's happened to you.

You used to have journalistic integrity.

I mean, you were the reporter who broke "No More Fish Tacos"

and now you're going to rallies with the KKK.

- The KKK? - Kenzie, Kaitlyn, and Kimantha.

The old Malik never would've hung out with those girls.

Yeah, the old Malik never would've been invited

to hang out with those girls.

I like the new Malik. He's ballin'.

Well, I like the old Malik

because he wasn't ballin'.

He was just a nice guy, I think.

Honestly, I haven't spent that much time

with the old Malik..

...but I wanted to.

Really, you wanted to?

[knock on door]

I finished last week's word jumble.

It says I get a free milk.

Thanks.

Hey, just a heads-up

some people really care about "The Chatswin Chronicle"

and they started a petition to get it back.

I only have two signatures so far and..

...they're both mine.

We're expecting a few more.

Lisa's petition got two more signatures that day.

It turned out those were the only two she needed.

And with "The Chatswin Chronicle" restored

it was time to focus my efforts on dad.

We're out of juice, and we've been out of juice

for, like, a week.

He had stopped hunting and gathering.

I'm sorry, honey, it's-it's the PTA thing

it's consuming all of my time.

And all of our bread, apparently

because we are out of that, too.

Oh, us moms had this duck charity thing down at the pond.

The baby mallards are beyond cute.

We are spiraling out of control here, George.

You're talking about baby ducks and spending

all your time with middle-aged women.

What?

Don't you think it's time you hung up those mom jeans

and went back to being a dad?

These aren't mom jeans

I got them at the garage sale.

Yeah, but whose garage sale, George?

- Whose garage sale? - Rhonda's.

I got them at Rhonda's garage..

I'm wearing Rhonda's jeans.

♪ Let me talk to you ♪

♪ Come on ♪

♪ Shawty had them apple bottom jeans jeans ♪

♪ Boots with the fur ♪

♪ With the fur ♪

♪ The whole club was looking at her ♪

♪ Shawty got low low low low low.. ♪♪

- Here's your gavel back. - I beg your pardon?

I'm sorry, Sheila. You were right.

The PTA is not for me, so, go on, please.

I'm not sure I want it, George.

I have rather been enjoying my free time.

I've been working on my suntan.

I have read "The Lovely Bones."

Why, just yesterday, I tried black cherry soda.

Oh, well, that-that is a delicious flavor of soda

but...seriously, Sheila

I can't give these women what they need.

- You have to come back. - I don't have it in me.

Not anymore.

Fine.

Well, I hope at the very least

you'll attend our PTA picnic at Redmond Field.

Redmond Field? That's right next to the petrol station.

- Think of the fumes! - See, that's just the thing.

Sheila, I-I-I didn't think of the fumes.

You did.

You always think of the fumes.

Visit adjourned.

Oh, and, George..

...you wear the hell out of those jeans.

[chuckles]

Alright, I'm leaving for work in five.

You want me to pack you a lunch today

or are you gonna buy something at school?

Oh, it says here the special is beef Stroganoff.

I know.

I helped break that story.

Wow. Princeton's gonna be really impressed.

Mm.

I'm not going to college.

[chuckles]

Yeah, you are.

[laughs]

No, seriously. I-I decided I'm not going.