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1
00:00:00,137 --> 00:00:01,531
2
00:00:02,646 --> 00:00:05,012
Sue, get out of my shower!
3
00:00:05,131 --> 00:00:06,094
I'm not gonna wait anymore!
4
00:00:06,161 --> 00:00:07,049
I got to get to work!
5
00:00:07,132 --> 00:00:07,993
Can't!
6
00:00:08,094 --> 00:00:11,056
Axl's hogging up our bathroom,
and I want to look good today.
7
00:00:11,153 --> 00:00:14,268
Carly and I are gonna try to start
a flash mob in the cafeteria.
8
00:00:15,487 --> 00:00:16,532
Ooh.
9
00:00:16,655 --> 00:00:18,202
Someone's gonna
sell a car today.
10
00:00:18,313 --> 00:00:21,527
Heh, how about you put some of that
hilarious energy into making lunches?
11
00:00:21,632 --> 00:00:22,368
Ugh.
12
00:00:22,456 --> 00:00:23,910
This dishwasher's getting worse.
13
00:00:24,001 --> 00:00:25,976
I think it's actually
putting food on.
14
00:00:26,081 --> 00:00:27,686
Uh, mom?
15
00:00:27,801 --> 00:00:28,989
How long have you
known about this?
16
00:00:29,107 --> 00:00:30,431
I don't even know what that is.
17
00:00:30,534 --> 00:00:31,668
Why aren't you dressed?
18
00:00:31,782 --> 00:00:34,457
It's some kind of catalog
called "Chow Down Chicago,"
19
00:00:34,793 --> 00:00:40,129
where you can order food and they'll
deliver it to you... from Chicago.
20
00:00:40,281 --> 00:00:41,114
Can I have it?
21
00:00:41,199 --> 00:00:43,230
Sure, whatever. Knock yourself out.
Just get dressed.
22
00:00:43,321 --> 00:00:44,154
Thank you.
23
00:00:44,248 --> 00:00:45,657
What did he get?
24
00:00:45,754 --> 00:00:46,780
What did you just give him?
25
00:00:46,877 --> 00:00:48,247
Stupid old catalog.
26
00:00:48,368 --> 00:00:49,602
I want an old catalog.
27
00:00:50,696 --> 00:00:53,199
Axl, what is the
matter with you?
28
00:00:53,324 --> 00:00:55,929
We do not put shoes
where we serve food.
29
00:00:56,017 --> 00:00:56,532
Hey!
30
00:00:56,607 --> 00:00:57,016
Whoa!
31
00:00:57,108 --> 00:00:57,984
Watch the hat!
32
00:00:58,097 --> 00:01:00,335
I've been working this hat all
summer to arrive at the optimum
33
00:01:00,432 --> 00:01:03,853
level of awesomeness-- the
shape of the brim, the degree
34
00:01:03,941 --> 00:01:06,997
of fade-age, and look-- it gives me
the perfect amount of skull room.
35
00:01:07,100 --> 00:01:08,902
Yeah, that's a waste of space.
36
00:01:08,989 --> 00:01:09,974
Oh, my God.
37
00:01:10,906 --> 00:01:12,114
Let me see that.
38
00:01:13,092 --> 00:01:16,463
Pam Staggs is gonna be
on "Wheel Of Fortune"?
39
00:01:16,588 --> 00:01:17,135
Hmm.
40
00:01:17,220 --> 00:01:18,649
How'd she get on the "wheel?"
41
00:01:18,764 --> 00:01:20,795
I know she moved to St.
Louis a while ago.
42
00:01:20,890 --> 00:01:22,326
Do you think she went to
Hollywood, or did the "Wheel"
43
00:01:22,415 --> 00:01:23,321
come to St. Louis?
44
00:01:23,410 --> 00:01:24,558
They do that sometimes.
45
00:01:24,679 --> 00:01:28,304
How'd Pam Staggs I went to high
school with get on the "Wheel?"
46
00:01:28,431 --> 00:01:29,450
I'd like to solve the puzzle.
47
00:01:29,541 --> 00:01:30,385
Who cares?
48
00:01:30,484 --> 00:01:31,877
It's the "Wheel," Mike.
49
00:01:31,968 --> 00:01:34,228
She could win a fortune
in cash and prizes.
50
00:01:34,324 --> 00:01:35,196
Wow.
51
00:01:35,341 --> 00:01:36,827
Pam Staggs.
52
00:01:37,304 --> 00:01:40,397
She was a cheerleader,
always carried a lesportsac.
53
00:01:40,504 --> 00:01:42,187
She had "pong" before anybody.
54
00:01:42,300 --> 00:01:43,536
Ah, "pong."
55
00:01:43,653 --> 00:01:44,686
Okay, everybody?
56
00:01:44,781 --> 00:01:45,354
Listen up.
57
00:01:45,463 --> 00:01:49,289
Tonight I'm rushing home, and between
7:30 and 8:00, that tv is mine.
58
00:01:49,382 --> 00:01:51,695
Don't even think about
watching my tv.
59
00:01:52,353 --> 00:01:53,023
Here.
60
00:01:53,112 --> 00:01:54,101
I got to take a shower.
61
00:01:54,173 --> 00:01:57,176
If I'm gonna sneak out an hour early,
I can't be more than an hour late.
62
00:01:58,858 --> 00:02:00,026
Holy crap.
63
00:02:00,153 --> 00:02:03,863
Pam freaking Staggs
is on the "Wheel."
64
00:02:07,266 --> 00:02:08,208
Hey there, frances.
65
00:02:08,325 --> 00:02:09,538
Oh.
66
00:02:09,638 --> 00:02:11,676
I was just getting
ready to head out.
67
00:02:11,773 --> 00:02:14,006
I have something I
need to--
68
00:02:14,372 --> 00:02:15,648
Let me ask you
something, frances.
69
00:02:15,804 --> 00:02:19,421
Say you're me, and your wife is
asking you to go out to dinner
70
00:02:19,525 --> 00:02:21,710
with your brother-in-law
you can't stand.
71
00:02:21,841 --> 00:02:22,809
You work hard.
72
00:02:22,914 --> 00:02:24,594
Well, not you, frances.
73
00:02:24,706 --> 00:02:26,177
I mean me, in the story.
74
00:02:26,290 --> 00:02:27,745
Uh-huh, uh-huh.
75
00:02:28,114 --> 00:02:30,023
Let me give you the
back-story on this guy.
76
00:02:30,305 --> 00:02:33,555
- About 10 years ago...
- Tv's mine!
77
00:02:34,093 --> 00:02:36,593
Tell me I didn't miss it,
tell me I didn't miss it.
78
00:02:37,186 --> 00:02:39,446
Mom, do we want our wrigley
field popcorn bonanza filled
79
00:02:39,570 --> 00:02:41,632
with caramel corn
or spicy ranchero?
80
00:02:41,735 --> 00:02:42,446
Shh!
81
00:02:42,539 --> 00:02:43,552
No food talk right now, brick.
82
00:02:43,639 --> 00:02:44,113
Okay?
83
00:02:44,190 --> 00:02:46,035
I'm starving, I'm dirty, and
I wanna watch the "Wheel."
84
00:02:46,194 --> 00:02:48,561
I'm gonna have to
call you back, Carol.
85
00:02:51,383 --> 00:02:51,950
Yes!
86
00:02:52,035 --> 00:02:52,932
Food!
87
00:02:53,089 --> 00:02:53,708
Mmm.
88
00:02:54,429 --> 00:02:55,016
Ohh.
89
00:02:56,218 --> 00:02:56,944
Seriously?
90
00:02:57,037 --> 00:02:58,248
I just bought this yesterday.
91
00:02:58,350 --> 00:03:00,258
I just bought this yesterday!
92
00:03:06,060 --> 00:03:06,765
Mom.
93
00:03:06,855 --> 00:03:07,501
Shh.
94
00:03:07,602 --> 00:03:08,796
Hang on, Sue.
She's about to solve the puzzle.
95
00:03:08,880 --> 00:03:09,665
Oh, my God.
96
00:03:09,753 --> 00:03:10,629
Did you just eat that?
97
00:03:11,547 --> 00:03:12,465
Relax.
Hmm?
98
00:03:12,561 --> 00:03:13,555
There's hardly any left.
99
00:03:13,663 --> 00:03:17,064
- You know, when I buy the good snacks--
- Axl clipped his toenails in there.
100
00:03:18,405 --> 00:03:19,337
The chip bag.
101
00:03:19,430 --> 00:03:21,339
Axl clipped his toenails
in the chip bag!
102
00:03:21,507 --> 00:03:23,761
You just ate Axl's toenails!
103
00:03:23,949 --> 00:03:25,324
I just what?
104
00:03:25,716 --> 00:03:26,752
Aah!
105
00:03:32,647 --> 00:03:33,571
Oh, God!
106
00:03:33,668 --> 00:03:34,689
Animal!
107
00:03:34,824 --> 00:03:35,489
What happened?
108
00:03:35,562 --> 00:03:36,266
What's going on?
109
00:03:36,363 --> 00:03:37,331
Mom ate Axl's toenails.
110
00:03:37,428 --> 00:03:39,084
What is wrong with you people?!
111
00:03:39,164 --> 00:03:40,170
Damn it, Axl!
112
00:03:40,852 --> 00:03:41,820
What?!
113
00:03:41,924 --> 00:03:42,791
Mom ate your toenails!
114
00:03:42,893 --> 00:03:44,204
Seriously?
115
00:03:44,305 --> 00:03:47,589
You clip your toenails
into a chip bag?
116
00:03:47,684 --> 00:03:48,592
Who does that?
117
00:03:48,679 --> 00:03:49,963
What the hell is the
matter with you?!
118
00:03:50,058 --> 00:03:50,740
What?!
119
00:03:50,827 --> 00:03:51,915
You yell at me when I
leave 'em on the table.
120
00:03:52,007 --> 00:03:53,737
You yell at me when I leave
'em in the chip bag!
121
00:03:53,834 --> 00:03:54,307
God!
122
00:03:54,406 --> 00:03:55,419
There's no pleasing you people!
123
00:03:55,506 --> 00:03:56,068
What's going on?
124
00:03:56,160 --> 00:03:57,894
Mom's wigging out 'cause
she ate my toenails.
125
00:03:58,025 --> 00:03:59,324
What?
126
00:04:01,614 --> 00:04:03,899
Axl clipped his toenails into
a chip bag, and mom ate 'em.
127
00:04:03,993 --> 00:04:05,821
Stop saying it out loud!
128
00:04:05,921 --> 00:04:06,416
What?
129
00:04:06,496 --> 00:04:07,334
Axl, you what?
130
00:04:07,449 --> 00:04:08,585
It's your fault, Axl.
131
00:04:08,672 --> 00:04:11,157
Why'd you even clip your
toenails into a stupid chip bag?
132
00:04:11,268 --> 00:04:12,653
I'm not the one on trial here!
133
00:04:12,742 --> 00:04:14,434
Why don't you ask mom
why she ate them?
134
00:04:14,547 --> 00:04:15,079
Yeah.
135
00:04:15,169 --> 00:04:16,262
That's actually a good question.
136
00:04:16,380 --> 00:04:17,243
Oh, I don't know.
137
00:04:17,344 --> 00:04:19,694
Maybe my life was going too
well, and I just wanted to feel
138
00:04:19,810 --> 00:04:21,060
a little less human.
139
00:04:21,163 --> 00:04:21,833
Ugh!
140
00:04:21,932 --> 00:04:23,226
I can still taste
it on my tongue.
141
00:04:24,914 --> 00:04:26,366
You know what might
get the taste out?
142
00:04:26,487 --> 00:04:29,190
This Chicago bluesberry
cheesecake sampler.
143
00:04:29,312 --> 00:04:30,585
I don't want to hear it!
144
00:04:30,693 --> 00:04:31,919
Okay, all right,
everybody calm down.
145
00:04:32,007 --> 00:04:33,309
Axl, apologize to your mother.
146
00:04:33,410 --> 00:04:35,132
Why should I apologize to her?
147
00:04:35,236 --> 00:04:36,901
She ate my toenails one time.
148
00:04:36,996 --> 00:04:38,891
We eat her cooking every day.
149
00:04:42,509 --> 00:04:43,293
I'm not laughing.
150
00:04:43,400 --> 00:04:44,762
This isn't funny.
151
00:04:44,852 --> 00:04:48,240
Pam Staggs, you just
won a million dollars!
152
00:04:48,700 --> 00:04:50,307
Oh, my gosh, oh,
my gosh, oh, my gosh.
153
00:04:50,400 --> 00:04:51,449
A million?
154
00:04:55,859 --> 00:04:56,912
Okay.
155
00:04:57,043 --> 00:04:58,686
I'm leaving.
156
00:05:00,278 --> 00:05:01,485
What?
157
00:05:01,584 --> 00:05:02,272
Dad.
158
00:05:02,373 --> 00:05:03,137
Come on, Frankie.
159
00:05:03,221 --> 00:05:04,228
You heard me.
Get out of my way.
160
00:05:04,345 --> 00:05:05,170
I'm leaving.
161
00:05:05,265 --> 00:05:07,219
- Mom...
- Come on.
162
00:05:07,309 --> 00:05:08,203
Where you gonna go?
163
00:05:08,326 --> 00:05:10,074
Anywhere but here,
that's for sure.
164
00:05:10,168 --> 00:05:10,886
Stop it.
165
00:05:11,007 --> 00:05:11,524
Come on.
166
00:05:11,613 --> 00:05:12,692
What-- what are you doing?
167
00:05:12,822 --> 00:05:14,013
Everybody's sorry.
168
00:05:14,109 --> 00:05:15,371
Very, very sorry.
169
00:05:15,488 --> 00:05:16,308
Good to hear.
170
00:05:16,421 --> 00:05:17,471
Still going.
171
00:05:17,600 --> 00:05:21,157
You know, I don't know where I'm
going, but I will tell you this.
172
00:05:21,269 --> 00:05:26,201
There are gonna be some major changes
around here-- Major changes.
173
00:05:26,296 --> 00:05:27,825
- Frankie...
- Major...
174
00:05:27,979 --> 00:05:29,485
Changes.
175
00:05:34,117 --> 00:05:35,091
Oh, my God.
176
00:05:35,231 --> 00:05:36,474
Mom left.
177
00:05:36,571 --> 00:05:37,724
She left.
178
00:05:37,830 --> 00:05:38,762
What just happened here?
179
00:05:38,919 --> 00:05:39,604
I don't know.
180
00:05:39,703 --> 00:05:41,077
Mom ate some toenails
and took off.
181
00:05:41,171 --> 00:05:42,239
Who knows what her problem is?
182
00:05:42,362 --> 00:05:43,529
Can she do that?
183
00:05:43,644 --> 00:05:45,329
Dad, is she allowed to do that?
184
00:05:45,436 --> 00:05:46,964
Look, your mom's
had an experience.
185
00:05:47,094 --> 00:05:51,348
She's obviously feeling something here,
and she probably just needs to cool off
186
00:05:51,476 --> 00:05:52,393
a little.
187
00:05:52,484 --> 00:05:53,533
And we're just
gonna let her go?
188
00:05:53,701 --> 00:05:54,699
Oh, my God.
189
00:05:54,804 --> 00:05:56,356
Why are we just standing here?
190
00:05:56,469 --> 00:05:58,415
We need to go find her
and bring her back.
191
00:05:58,541 --> 00:05:59,311
Mom's gone.
192
00:05:59,432 --> 00:06:00,674
She's gone.
193
00:06:00,818 --> 00:06:03,134
Our mother is gone!
194
00:06:03,242 --> 00:06:04,253
She's not gone.
195
00:06:04,372 --> 00:06:06,094
She's only got 12
bucks in her purse.
196
00:06:06,197 --> 00:06:07,533
She can't get very far.
197
00:06:07,996 --> 00:06:09,040
Actually, $10.
198
00:06:09,168 --> 00:06:09,913
$8.
199
00:06:10,015 --> 00:06:11,098
$6.50.
200
00:06:11,227 --> 00:06:12,482
I want her back.
201
00:06:12,598 --> 00:06:14,459
I don't want to
be a broken home.
202
00:06:14,600 --> 00:06:16,509
Oh, God.
203
00:06:17,487 --> 00:06:19,075
Oh, man.
204
00:06:19,848 --> 00:06:21,170
I think she took my hat.
205
00:06:21,589 --> 00:06:23,657
- Axl...
- No, this is really bad.
206
00:06:23,784 --> 00:06:25,509
I think when she was stuffing
things in her bag, she got my
207
00:06:25,615 --> 00:06:26,826
hat in there by accident.
208
00:06:26,935 --> 00:06:28,822
We have to go find it.
209
00:06:28,916 --> 00:06:31,362
What if she puts it on her bumpy
mom head and stretches it all out?
210
00:06:31,463 --> 00:06:34,540
No, what you gotta do is take
some time to think about what
211
00:06:34,629 --> 00:06:37,132
we did as a family
that caused this.
212
00:06:37,258 --> 00:06:38,849
Mom said "major changes."
213
00:06:38,967 --> 00:06:42,204
Go to your room and you figure
out what kind of major changes
214
00:06:42,314 --> 00:06:45,092
you all need to make, and
I'm gonna do the same.
215
00:06:53,297 --> 00:06:54,955
Do you think she's
ever gonna come back?
216
00:06:55,098 --> 00:06:56,285
I don't know, brick.
217
00:06:57,292 --> 00:07:00,600
'Cause I was thinking maybe we can
get the family sausage pack now.
218
00:07:00,724 --> 00:07:03,096
I was worried 'cause it's only for
four, but now with an even number...
219
00:07:03,208 --> 00:07:06,281
Brick, shut up about your stupid
catalog and start thinking about my hat.
220
00:07:06,390 --> 00:07:08,788
Shut up about your stupid hat
and your stupid catalog and
221
00:07:08,891 --> 00:07:10,123
start thinking about mom.
222
00:07:10,235 --> 00:07:12,564
Did you notice any strange
behaviour before this?
223
00:07:12,665 --> 00:07:14,116
Did mom seem unhappy?
224
00:07:14,235 --> 00:07:14,696
Pfft!
225
00:07:14,797 --> 00:07:15,248
How should I know?
226
00:07:15,354 --> 00:07:16,211
She's a mom.
227
00:07:16,310 --> 00:07:17,313
I don't pay that much
attention to her.
228
00:07:17,426 --> 00:07:18,859
Well, then maybe
that's the problem.
229
00:07:18,941 --> 00:07:20,768
Maybe we don't pay
enough attention to her.
230
00:07:20,882 --> 00:07:23,038
Did she seem especially
angry lately?
231
00:07:23,167 --> 00:07:25,143
No, just her regular
amount of angry.
232
00:07:26,095 --> 00:07:27,513
Well, then what is it?
233
00:07:27,638 --> 00:07:29,482
Dad said it's up to
us to figure this out.
234
00:07:32,028 --> 00:07:33,137
This is hard.
235
00:07:33,229 --> 00:07:35,063
I've never thought of
mom as a person before.
236
00:07:37,378 --> 00:07:43,322
♪all by myself ♪
237
00:07:44,284 --> 00:07:50,546
♪ don't wanna be all by myself ♪
238
00:07:51,814 --> 00:07:54,608
Well, we've been thinking, and
we've come up with some ideas,
239
00:07:54,732 --> 00:07:56,789
you know, for changes and stuff?
240
00:07:57,827 --> 00:07:58,747
Well, good.
Good.
241
00:07:58,856 --> 00:08:00,456
Yeah, I've been
doing that, too.
242
00:08:01,289 --> 00:08:03,726
We think we might need
to change her food.
243
00:08:03,861 --> 00:08:06,597
You know, their dietary needs
do change as they get older.
244
00:08:06,714 --> 00:08:08,871
She's not a dog.
245
00:08:09,002 --> 00:08:10,658
Or maybe a multivitamin
or something.
246
00:08:10,757 --> 00:08:12,503
She might need more iron.
247
00:08:12,614 --> 00:08:13,519
That's it?
248
00:08:13,616 --> 00:08:14,866
That's what you came up with?
249
00:08:15,004 --> 00:08:16,477
That it's your mom's fault?
250
00:08:16,624 --> 00:08:17,397
No.
251
00:08:18,295 --> 00:08:19,238
We do have another theory.
252
00:08:19,339 --> 00:08:21,932
How are things going
in the boudoir, dad?
253
00:08:22,026 --> 00:08:23,367
You getting the job
done in there?
254
00:08:23,480 --> 00:08:25,491
Wow.
255
00:08:25,593 --> 00:08:26,998
The old man moves pretty fast.
256
00:08:28,023 --> 00:08:33,385
So after three hours, I ended up
back where I started-- Home.
257
00:08:34,517 --> 00:08:35,315
Mom.
258
00:08:35,395 --> 00:08:36,921
Oh.
259
00:08:42,064 --> 00:08:43,117
Don't you see?
260
00:08:43,207 --> 00:08:44,402
This is everything!
261
00:08:44,531 --> 00:08:48,799
My life is forever going to be
defined as before toenail and after.
262
00:08:48,926 --> 00:08:51,082
"BT" and "AT," baby.
263
00:08:51,199 --> 00:08:53,240
How do you go on after
something like this?
264
00:08:53,335 --> 00:08:54,730
What are you supposed to do?
265
00:08:56,700 --> 00:08:58,121
- Well...
- Well?
266
00:08:58,518 --> 00:08:59,002
Ha!
267
00:08:59,106 --> 00:08:59,905
You're stumped.
268
00:08:59,994 --> 00:09:01,076
You don't have an answer.
269
00:09:01,193 --> 00:09:02,462
Not like Pam.
270
00:09:02,587 --> 00:09:03,665
She had an answer.
271
00:09:03,773 --> 00:09:05,789
She only had a "p" and an "r,"
272
00:09:05,884 --> 00:09:07,729
and she got "pardon my French,"
273
00:09:07,836 --> 00:09:10,135
- and now she's got a million
dollars and I get-- - Wait.
274
00:09:10,398 --> 00:09:10,912
What?
275
00:09:11,095 --> 00:09:11,873
Who has a million dollars?
276
00:09:12,103 --> 00:09:13,976
Pam, mom!
277
00:09:14,320 --> 00:09:15,252
Pam Staggs!
278
00:09:15,459 --> 00:09:17,391
Pam Staggs was
on the "Wheel?"
279
00:09:17,548 --> 00:09:19,264
Well, she was always so bubbly.
280
00:09:19,435 --> 00:09:21,112
They just like that
type on the show.
281
00:09:21,240 --> 00:09:22,171
Is that good?
282
00:09:22,339 --> 00:09:24,893
I mean, she wasn't even
that smart, right?
283
00:09:25,033 --> 00:09:25,955
Mnh-mnh.
284
00:09:26,126 --> 00:09:28,846
She was just pretty, and now
she's smart and pretty, and
285
00:09:28,972 --> 00:09:34,448
she's driving a new Ford fiesta, and
I'm bellying up to the toenail buffet!
286
00:09:35,576 --> 00:09:38,549
Ohh.
287
00:09:39,382 --> 00:09:42,983
Look at you, little ballerina.
288
00:09:43,281 --> 00:09:46,840
You think you're gonna be a prima ballerina
in your little outfit, don't you?
289
00:09:46,982 --> 00:09:47,792
But you're not.
290
00:09:47,973 --> 00:09:50,323
Let me give you a piece of
advice-- Don't even bother
291
00:09:50,445 --> 00:09:53,022
growing in those two front teeth,
'cause someday in your future...
292
00:09:54,234 --> 00:09:57,343
You're just gonna use
'em to eat toenails.
293
00:09:57,485 --> 00:09:59,082
Okay!
294
00:09:59,217 --> 00:10:01,335
That's enough wine
for you tonight.
295
00:10:01,447 --> 00:10:02,649
Let's get you off to bed.
296
00:10:02,918 --> 00:10:04,804
And what about you
in the duck boat?
297
00:10:04,923 --> 00:10:06,644
- You think you're so--
- That's your sister.
298
00:10:06,821 --> 00:10:07,929
Let's leave her out of this.
299
00:10:13,923 --> 00:10:15,254
I'm sorry!
300
00:10:15,444 --> 00:10:18,316
I didn't know the garlic bread
still had plastic on it.
301
00:10:18,407 --> 00:10:18,926
That's okay.
302
00:10:19,059 --> 00:10:19,593
Not your fault.
303
00:10:19,742 --> 00:10:20,597
Nobody ever taught you.
304
00:10:20,761 --> 00:10:23,143
Why were you frying frozen
garlic bread anyway, doofus?
305
00:10:23,234 --> 00:10:23,751
I don't know.
306
00:10:23,841 --> 00:10:24,551
Okay, Axl?
307
00:10:24,648 --> 00:10:25,766
I thought I saw mom do it once.
308
00:10:26,842 --> 00:10:28,268
I just miss mom so much.
309
00:10:28,397 --> 00:10:29,234
Okay.
310
00:10:29,355 --> 00:10:31,367
This may be controversial,
but I'm just gonna say it.
311
00:10:31,473 --> 00:10:32,814
I like it better
with mom not here.
312
00:10:33,603 --> 00:10:34,737
Axl, you take that back.
313
00:10:34,828 --> 00:10:35,959
You take that back right now!
314
00:10:36,055 --> 00:10:36,675
Unh-Unh.
315
00:10:36,775 --> 00:10:39,388
Dad, if you're willing to spring
on extra postage, we can
316
00:10:39,475 --> 00:10:42,802
have the Mike ditka rib trio
here by tomorrow at 5:00.
317
00:10:42,918 --> 00:10:44,819
I literally just need
a credit card number.
318
00:10:47,012 --> 00:10:47,996
Hello?
319
00:10:48,121 --> 00:10:48,867
Hi.
320
00:10:48,986 --> 00:10:49,853
It's me.
321
00:10:49,951 --> 00:10:52,013
Hey, how are
things going there?
322
00:10:52,133 --> 00:10:54,188
Thought I might have
heard from you earlier.
323
00:10:54,299 --> 00:10:54,800
Ugh.
324
00:10:54,899 --> 00:10:55,908
I just woke up.
325
00:10:56,037 --> 00:10:56,762
No, brick.
326
00:10:56,852 --> 00:10:57,795
We are not ordering
from the catalog!
327
00:10:57,885 --> 00:11:00,085
I am going to make us food, and
it's gonna be delicious, okay?
328
00:11:00,215 --> 00:11:00,726
Is that mom?
329
00:11:00,809 --> 00:11:01,493
Ask her about my hat.
330
00:11:02,657 --> 00:11:03,638
So how's it going there?
331
00:11:03,720 --> 00:11:04,251
Good.
332
00:11:04,339 --> 00:11:04,837
Good.
333
00:11:04,941 --> 00:11:07,550
The kids are pretty much fixed, so
you can come home whenever you want.
334
00:11:10,744 --> 00:11:12,365
So when are you heading home?
335
00:11:12,480 --> 00:11:13,776
I'm not sure.
336
00:11:13,926 --> 00:11:15,376
What do you mean
you're not sure?
337
00:11:16,834 --> 00:11:19,848
Mike... I...
338
00:11:19,948 --> 00:11:21,130
I just need a minute.
339
00:11:21,240 --> 00:11:21,897
A minute?
340
00:11:21,995 --> 00:11:23,193
You been gone 23 hours.
341
00:11:23,281 --> 00:11:24,382
That's a whole lot of minutes.
342
00:11:24,484 --> 00:11:26,780
Listen, Frankie, the longer
you stay away from this place,
343
00:11:26,877 --> 00:11:30,676
the harder it's gonna be to come back,
so just get in the car and come home.
344
00:11:30,817 --> 00:11:33,093
I don't want you making the trip
when it's dark by yourself.
345
00:11:33,227 --> 00:11:36,503
Mike, it's not just toenails.
346
00:11:36,687 --> 00:11:38,212
It's my whole life.
347
00:11:38,515 --> 00:11:40,557
I just need to re-evaluate.
348
00:11:40,815 --> 00:11:42,128
Okay.
349
00:11:42,403 --> 00:11:44,537
I'll call you tomorrow.
350
00:11:45,171 --> 00:11:47,634
Was that mom?
351
00:11:47,733 --> 00:11:48,488
Is she on her way home?
352
00:11:48,588 --> 00:11:49,241
Not yet.
353
00:11:49,394 --> 00:11:51,083
Well, when is she coming home?
354
00:11:51,196 --> 00:11:52,302
I don't know.
355
00:11:52,403 --> 00:11:55,914
So, uh, what's going on between
you two, you know, h-w-wise?
356
00:11:56,879 --> 00:11:57,584
Oh, my God.
357
00:11:57,690 --> 00:11:59,090
She's not coming
home ever, is she?
358
00:11:59,234 --> 00:12:00,479
We blew it.
359
00:12:00,681 --> 00:12:03,047
Yeah, we had a mom,
and we blew it.
360
00:12:03,156 --> 00:12:04,098
Stop it, Sue.
361
00:12:04,190 --> 00:12:05,102
Your mom's coming back.
362
00:12:05,198 --> 00:12:07,166
I just love mom so much!
363
00:12:07,294 --> 00:12:09,371
I know at my age I'm
not supposed to.
364
00:12:09,494 --> 00:12:12,303
All my friends complain about
their moms, so I lie and tell
365
00:12:12,414 --> 00:12:14,483
'em I'm having troubles,
too, but I don't.
366
00:12:14,597 --> 00:12:16,533
I love her more than ever!
367
00:12:18,044 --> 00:12:19,213
This is weird.
368
00:12:19,333 --> 00:12:21,307
They won't deliver to Nevada.
369
00:12:21,418 --> 00:12:23,490
I mean, it's okay, 'cause
we're not in Nevada, but...
370
00:12:23,610 --> 00:12:25,738
What do you think they
have against Nevada?
371
00:12:25,848 --> 00:12:27,284
You want to know
what drove mom away?
372
00:12:27,414 --> 00:12:28,579
It was you.
373
00:12:28,692 --> 00:12:31,021
You get obsessed with something
no one else in the universe
374
00:12:31,137 --> 00:12:33,949
cares about, and then you go on
and on and on about it, and mom
375
00:12:34,060 --> 00:12:35,665
probably couldn't
take it anymore!
376
00:12:35,776 --> 00:12:36,646
So that's why she left.
377
00:12:36,762 --> 00:12:38,335
She left because of you!
378
00:12:38,676 --> 00:12:40,386
And I've only had my
period for a month!
379
00:12:40,478 --> 00:12:41,676
I need my mom!
380
00:12:44,989 --> 00:12:46,562
Nice work, Sue.
381
00:12:48,284 --> 00:12:49,294
Where you going?
382
00:12:49,388 --> 00:12:50,752
I'm going to get your mom back.
383
00:12:50,837 --> 00:12:54,314
- Oh, dad, ask her-- - I'm not
asking about the hat, Axl.
384
00:12:55,414 --> 00:12:56,408
Brick?
385
00:12:56,856 --> 00:12:57,827
Don't worry, Sue.
386
00:12:57,915 --> 00:13:00,245
You won't have to hear
me go on and on anymore.
387
00:13:00,411 --> 00:13:01,824
I threw the catalog out.
388
00:13:01,987 --> 00:13:03,829
I'm lying.
389
00:13:04,047 --> 00:13:05,997
Brick, I didn't mean it.
390
00:13:06,150 --> 00:13:08,017
It's not your fault mom left.
391
00:13:08,124 --> 00:13:09,265
No, you're right.
392
00:13:09,381 --> 00:13:10,302
I drone.
393
00:13:10,410 --> 00:13:14,077
And mom's always pretending
she's interested, not like dad.
394
00:13:14,189 --> 00:13:15,581
It was probably my fault.
395
00:13:15,694 --> 00:13:17,810
I'm the one who used
her shower yesterday.
396
00:13:17,935 --> 00:13:19,965
That could have tipped
her over the edge.
397
00:13:20,066 --> 00:13:22,625
But that's only 'cause Axl
was hogging up our bathroom.
398
00:13:22,749 --> 00:13:24,481
You're right.
399
00:13:24,625 --> 00:13:28,408
And let's not forget they
were Axl's toenails mom ate.
400
00:13:29,888 --> 00:13:30,751
Axl!
401
00:13:30,849 --> 00:13:31,636
It was you.
402
00:13:31,729 --> 00:13:33,284
It's all your fault mom left.
403
00:13:33,380 --> 00:13:35,774
You're selfish and you're snarky
and you only think of yourself,
404
00:13:35,862 --> 00:13:37,485
and mom was probably sick of it.
405
00:13:37,602 --> 00:13:39,245
Well, you're an
embarrassing dork-cheese.
406
00:13:39,354 --> 00:13:40,963
You think mom wants to
be associated with that?
407
00:13:41,094 --> 00:13:44,010
You never empty the dishwasher,
no matter how many times mom asks!
408
00:13:44,107 --> 00:13:45,540
That's because you never put
the dishes in it like you're
409
00:13:45,634 --> 00:13:48,747
supposed to, and besides, you don't
do the laundry like she asks!
410
00:13:48,839 --> 00:13:50,126
I don't know how to work it!
411
00:13:50,241 --> 00:13:51,383
Don't pick on Sue.
412
00:13:51,741 --> 00:13:52,778
You never take out the garbage.
413
00:13:52,895 --> 00:13:53,958
Well, you don't do any chores.
414
00:13:54,047 --> 00:13:55,374
You're always just
freakishly reading.
415
00:13:55,475 --> 00:13:58,705
That's true, brick, and you
wander off at the mall and
416
00:13:58,822 --> 00:14:00,493
scare mom half to death!
417
00:14:00,622 --> 00:14:03,824
Well, at least I don't have braces
that are costing mom millions of dollars.
418
00:14:03,931 --> 00:14:05,625
I have an overbite crossbite!
419
00:14:05,758 --> 00:14:08,090
You don't tell mom you have a school
assignment until the night before!
420
00:14:08,194 --> 00:14:10,186
You don't fill up
the ice cube tray!
421
00:14:10,287 --> 00:14:12,170
You lick things
that aren't food!
422
00:14:12,275 --> 00:14:13,417
You don't tell mom you love her!
423
00:14:13,506 --> 00:14:14,483
None of us do that!
424
00:14:17,000 --> 00:14:18,765
Maybe it's all of our fault.
425
00:14:19,132 --> 00:14:20,414
Oh, God.
426
00:14:20,719 --> 00:14:21,808
Brick's right.
427
00:14:21,959 --> 00:14:23,808
We do need to make
major changes.
428
00:14:24,743 --> 00:14:26,110
Yeah, but what?
429
00:14:29,883 --> 00:14:32,273
Maybe we could pick up our
dirty clothes off the floor.
430
00:14:32,438 --> 00:14:35,475
Yeah, and like, put 'em
in the laundry or something?
431
00:14:35,566 --> 00:14:36,738
I know mom hates to dust.
432
00:14:36,846 --> 00:14:38,836
If we dusted out, that would
probably make her really happy.
433
00:14:38,941 --> 00:14:40,260
We could even clean
our bathroom.
434
00:14:40,374 --> 00:14:41,243
Yeah.
435
00:14:44,391 --> 00:14:48,274
On the other hand, what if dirty
clothes isn't her problem?
436
00:14:48,363 --> 00:14:49,296
What do you mean?
437
00:14:49,385 --> 00:14:52,112
Like, what if we did the laundry,
and that's not what's bothering her?
438
00:14:52,219 --> 00:14:53,379
That's true.
439
00:14:53,499 --> 00:14:55,158
We don't want to do extra stuff.
440
00:14:55,264 --> 00:14:57,835
Yeah, or we don't clean the
bathroom the way she likes?
441
00:14:57,929 --> 00:14:59,357
That could really set her off.
442
00:14:59,450 --> 00:15:01,365
And we know she's
already unstable.
443
00:15:01,517 --> 00:15:03,501
It could cause her
to take off again.
444
00:15:03,595 --> 00:15:05,825
Look, if she really wanted us
to make changes, she should
445
00:15:05,925 --> 00:15:07,354
have told us what they were.
446
00:15:07,485 --> 00:15:08,980
We're not mind readers.
447
00:15:09,085 --> 00:15:09,808
Yeah.
448
00:15:09,931 --> 00:15:12,138
When you think about it,
it's sort of her fault.
449
00:15:12,254 --> 00:15:14,155
So it's decided?
450
00:15:14,256 --> 00:15:15,388
We do nothing?
451
00:15:15,914 --> 00:15:16,680
Yep.
452
00:15:16,773 --> 00:15:18,104
It's the only thing we can do.
453
00:15:20,868 --> 00:15:21,800
Oh.
454
00:15:21,917 --> 00:15:23,431
You're still in my pajamas.
455
00:15:23,684 --> 00:15:25,818
It's okay if I stay
another day, right?
456
00:15:25,928 --> 00:15:26,993
Of course, honey.
457
00:15:27,087 --> 00:15:29,434
You are welcome to stay
as long as you need to.
458
00:15:30,446 --> 00:15:32,565
But I do have bridge
club on Tuesday.
459
00:15:32,663 --> 00:15:33,946
Thanks, mom.
460
00:15:34,065 --> 00:15:36,854
I just don't think I'm
ready to go home yet.
461
00:15:36,967 --> 00:15:38,944
Mmm.
462
00:15:42,163 --> 00:15:48,193
Frankie... you don't really think
your life is so bad, do you?
463
00:15:48,286 --> 00:15:49,274
No.
464
00:15:49,361 --> 00:15:50,661
It's good.
465
00:15:50,784 --> 00:15:56,108
I know I should be grateful-- Good
husband, healthy kids, blah, blah, blah.
466
00:15:56,243 --> 00:15:59,710
'Cause I know Pam Staggs
seems like she has it all,
467
00:15:59,827 --> 00:16:02,872
but no one has it
perfect, Frankie.
468
00:16:03,032 --> 00:16:06,990
Every mom has that moment where
she wants to get in the car,
469
00:16:07,080 --> 00:16:10,234
drive to Kentucky, check into
the holiday inn with a bottle
470
00:16:10,333 --> 00:16:13,062
of peppermint schnapps, and
watch all the "smokey and the
471
00:16:13,161 --> 00:16:14,820
bandits" in one night.
472
00:16:15,507 --> 00:16:17,178
Mom.
473
00:16:17,487 --> 00:16:18,652
Really?
474
00:16:18,769 --> 00:16:19,947
And you know what?
475
00:16:20,056 --> 00:16:23,032
Halfway through "smokey 3," I
got sick of Burt Reynolds, I
476
00:16:23,129 --> 00:16:27,402
missed my family, and I knew
it was time to go home.
477
00:16:29,984 --> 00:16:31,684
Oh, honey.
478
00:16:32,903 --> 00:16:36,991
It's just hard, 'cause right now
you're in the middle of it, but
479
00:16:37,094 --> 00:16:39,894
if I could go back in time,
you know what I would do?
480
00:16:40,000 --> 00:16:40,830
What?
481
00:16:40,925 --> 00:16:43,436
I'd sniff the back
of your little neck.
482
00:16:44,506 --> 00:16:47,549
You always had the sweetest
smelling little neck.
483
00:16:47,783 --> 00:16:52,092
I don't think I spent nearly enough
time smelling the back of your neck.
484
00:16:52,797 --> 00:16:54,550
But then I'd get the
hell out of there.
485
00:16:54,705 --> 00:16:55,567
Mom.
486
00:16:55,651 --> 00:16:56,743
Well, it's true.
487
00:16:56,864 --> 00:16:58,556
Raising kids is hard.
488
00:16:58,695 --> 00:17:01,156
Look, Frankie, here's the deal.
489
00:17:01,239 --> 00:17:04,004
You're gonna have lots of
toenail moments-- lots and
490
00:17:04,167 --> 00:17:07,769
lots of 'em-- but you're gonna
end up having more good moments
491
00:17:07,890 --> 00:17:10,872
than toenail moments,
I promise you.
492
00:17:10,969 --> 00:17:11,966
Okay.
493
00:17:12,064 --> 00:17:15,368
And your kids are gonna grow
up, and your life is gonna get
494
00:17:15,469 --> 00:17:18,462
easier, and they're only gonna
come and stay with you and
495
00:17:18,548 --> 00:17:21,516
bother you just once
every so often.
496
00:17:25,939 --> 00:17:27,272
Oh, God.
497
00:17:27,351 --> 00:17:29,278
Honey, you got
to take a shower.
498
00:17:29,406 --> 00:17:30,578
Sorry.
499
00:17:33,697 --> 00:17:35,800
Oh, look who's here.
500
00:17:35,884 --> 00:17:40,275
Your knight in shining armour has
come all this way to get you.
501
00:17:40,368 --> 00:17:42,021
Really?
502
00:17:46,534 --> 00:17:48,110
Oh, well.
503
00:17:51,030 --> 00:17:52,579
Are you kidding me?
504
00:17:52,786 --> 00:17:54,086
You honk?
505
00:17:54,714 --> 00:17:58,015
You won't even get out of your car
to come to the door and get me?
506
00:17:58,107 --> 00:18:00,289
I drove 120 miles!
507
00:18:01,234 --> 00:18:03,377
Now go grab your baggie
and get in the car.
508
00:18:03,557 --> 00:18:05,172
You haven't been
through it, Mike.
509
00:18:05,281 --> 00:18:07,557
You're a non-toenail-eater.
510
00:18:07,703 --> 00:18:10,756
You think other people don't
go through stuff like that?
511
00:18:10,868 --> 00:18:16,941
When I lent Axl my car for prom, the
next day, I sat in his friend's vomit!
512
00:18:17,133 --> 00:18:18,774
I didn't even tell
you about that!
513
00:18:18,945 --> 00:18:21,573
But did I freak out
and leave my family?
514
00:18:21,666 --> 00:18:22,251
No.
515
00:18:22,356 --> 00:18:24,469
I hosed it down and
got on with my life.
516
00:18:24,561 --> 00:18:25,836
'Cause that's what
you do, Frankie.
517
00:18:25,922 --> 00:18:27,246
You power through.
518
00:18:28,067 --> 00:18:30,138
I just need a minute to think.
519
00:18:30,230 --> 00:18:31,209
No!
520
00:18:31,303 --> 00:18:32,275
No more time to think.
521
00:18:32,370 --> 00:18:34,428
You start to think and the
whole thing unravels.
522
00:18:34,514 --> 00:18:35,351
Get in the car!
523
00:18:35,440 --> 00:18:36,015
See?
524
00:18:36,097 --> 00:18:37,023
This is my life.
525
00:18:37,113 --> 00:18:39,122
My husband won't even come
to the door to get me.
526
00:18:39,233 --> 00:18:41,881
I bet Pam Staggs'
husband wouldn't honk.
527
00:18:41,995 --> 00:18:46,117
- Pam Staggs' husband would come to
the door and he-- - Oh, my God!
528
00:18:46,204 --> 00:18:47,898
Are you still talking
about Pam Staggs?
529
00:18:47,988 --> 00:18:49,855
Who cares about Pam Staggs?
530
00:18:50,778 --> 00:18:53,567
You're a thousand times
prettier than she is!
531
00:18:54,638 --> 00:18:56,121
I'll get my stuff.
532
00:19:00,500 --> 00:19:01,345
Yeah?
533
00:19:02,510 --> 00:19:03,562
Okay.
534
00:19:04,474 --> 00:19:06,038
Sweet!
535
00:19:06,385 --> 00:19:06,865
Yeah!
536
00:19:06,980 --> 00:19:07,732
That was dad.
537
00:19:07,834 --> 00:19:09,417
He and mom and my hat
are on their way home.
538
00:19:16,705 --> 00:19:17,757
Oh, my God.
539
00:19:17,849 --> 00:19:19,719
What major changes can
we make in 30 minutes?
540
00:19:19,876 --> 00:19:21,112
I'll get the clothes.
541
00:19:21,200 --> 00:19:22,436
I'll do the dishes.
542
00:19:23,208 --> 00:19:25,776
If mom comes home and sees
this, she's gonna leave again!
543
00:19:25,943 --> 00:19:27,279
I don't know where
any of this goes!
544
00:19:27,372 --> 00:19:28,073
Here, brick.
545
00:19:28,155 --> 00:19:29,387
If you don't know here it goes,
throw it in the backyard.
546
00:19:29,474 --> 00:19:30,595
What is this?
547
00:19:30,689 --> 00:19:31,787
Another catalog?
548
00:19:31,873 --> 00:19:32,965
Brick!
549
00:19:41,243 --> 00:19:42,647
Wow!
550
00:19:43,294 --> 00:19:45,057
Look at this place.
551
00:19:45,226 --> 00:19:47,017
Mom, we are so sorry.
552
00:19:47,125 --> 00:19:48,489
We missed you so much.
553
00:19:48,604 --> 00:19:50,106
Sue made a terrible mom.
554
00:19:50,193 --> 00:19:51,357
Thank God you're back.
555
00:19:52,695 --> 00:19:54,800
I'll never take you
for granted again.
556
00:19:55,093 --> 00:19:55,950
Wow.
557
00:19:56,058 --> 00:19:59,494
I mean, is this my house
or the Fairfield Suites?
558
00:20:00,335 --> 00:20:05,397
Ohh, you guys must have worked really
hard to get it looking like this.
559
00:20:05,535 --> 00:20:06,916
I'm proud of you kids.
560
00:20:12,887 --> 00:20:14,997
Very, very proud.
561
00:20:18,381 --> 00:20:20,377
After that night,
there were changes.
562
00:20:21,572 --> 00:20:25,183
Oh, not major changes,
but minor ones.
563
00:20:29,690 --> 00:20:30,577
Mom.
564
00:20:30,674 --> 00:20:34,013
I just want you to know, I took my
shower early so I wouldn't bother you.
565
00:20:34,110 --> 00:20:36,967
Oh, and this fell off.
566
00:20:41,038 --> 00:20:43,722
So if we order two of the
floating beverage book holders,
567
00:20:43,825 --> 00:20:45,348
they're actually cheaper.
568
00:20:45,579 --> 00:20:47,601
It's a catalog called
Hammacher Schlemmer.
569
00:20:47,739 --> 00:20:50,130
Hammacher Schlemmer.
570
00:20:50,285 --> 00:20:54,159
But that's okay, 'cause apparently,
I'm gonna miss all this crap one day.
39598
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