All language subtitles for Family Guy - S10E21 - Tea Peter (Uncensored)

♪ It seems today
that all you see ♪

♪ Is violence in movies
and sex on TV ♪

♪ But where are those
good old-fashioned values ♪

♪ On which we used to rely? ♪

♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪

♪ Lucky there's a man
who positively can do ♪

♪ All the things that make us ♪

♪ Laugh and cry ♪

♪ He's... a...
Fam... ily... Guy! ♪

♪ Family Guy 10x21 ♪
Tea Peter
Original Air Date on May 7, 2012

== sync, corrected by elderman ==

Wow, congratulations on your
grand re-opening, Mort.

Looks like your customers
are comin' back.

Thanks, Lois. It's good
to be up and gouging again.

Oh, careful.
Watch out there, Brian.

Looks like the floor is wet.

Excuse me.
I'm kind of in a hurry

(screams)
Son of a bitch!

Oh, my God!
Are you okay?

I'm sorry. I've been
a little distracted lately.

I think my wife has
been crossing the street

with another man.

God, I hope Alan
doesn't find out.

Hey, forget that klutz.

Hmm, maybe this one.

Hey. Lookin' at you
pretty normal, huh?

No!

Aw, fudge.

Wait, I know!

I'll figure this out.

Th-the pieces are all there.

I-I'll go home
and figure this out.

Aw, cool. Hey Mort,
what's this thing?

Oh, that? That's my
"Come In! We're Open" sign.

What's that,
like an iPad?

No, it's a sign.

Wish I had one of those.

I've got a whole box
of them.

Take it. It's yours.
No charge.

Ugh, typical Jew.

TV ANNOUNCER:
Coming this fall

from the producers
of Gone Baby Gone,

comes the riveting sequel:

Gone Severely Disabled
Baby Gone.

I promise you we are going
to find your daughter.

Okay, but, you know,
do-do what you can,

but seriously, don't,
like, kill yourself.

Oh, and if you do find her,
honk this horn a couple times.

It's the only way to get her
to stop biting you.

But again, no rush.

(knocking)

Peter, what
are you doing?

I'm just putting up
my new sign.

Don't put that thing
on our door.

If you want to hang it
somewhere,

hang it in the basement.

Oh, why? So you can hog it
while you're doing laundry?

No way.
Peter, we're not a business.

Hey, I saw your sign.
So, you're open?

That's right.
What do you do?

What do you need?
Milk.

We have milk.

Peter, I told you,
I don't like

all these strangers
walking around in our house.

They're not strangers, Lois;
they are our valued customers.

And if we don't show them
we appreciate their loyalty,

they're gonna go someplace else.
For what?!

Not to alarm anyone,

but some guy took me
in the closet

and tried me on.

She's right, Dad.
None of this makes any sense.

Meg, go take your ten.

And you may consider this
a verbal warning.

Peter, I want
these people to leave.

I fit,
by the way.

Lois, I'd love nothing more

than to sit here
and chat with you,

but I have a business to run.

Hi there.
May I help you folks?

Yes, my family and I would like
our portrait painted.

Well, you came
to the right place.

Looking good.

Almost done.

And... there.

Done.

What have you done?!

I painted the truth.

I painted my truth.

Gimme a spin, sweetie.

What do you think, Mom?

Is that the most beautiful
bride you've ever seen?

I love it!

Oh, it's just
so much money.

It's true. It's true.

Take the dress off,
sweetheart.

Your mother says
you can't have it.

W-wait, wait,
wait a minute.

Do you really love it?

I do. It just feels
like my wedding dress.

Oh, Mom, she loves it.

Okay.
We'll take it.

Peter, what is that girl doing
in my wedding dress?!

PETER: She gone?
No.

Okay, well, while
I'm down here

let me give you my card.

There you go.

Here you go. A half pound of
honey maple turkey, sliced thin.

I wanted a
duplicate key made.

You have a good one.

Oh, hey, Joe.
What's going on?

Peter, I'm afraid
I'm here to shut you down.

You're running an
unlicensed business,

and that's against the law.

Aw, that is such bullcrap.

Well, you can't fight
City Hall.

Oh, we'll see about that!

City Hall knows karate.

I'm sorry, Peter, but the
government makes the rules.

I just enforce them.

I don't believe this, Joe.

This is like
living in Russia.

I might as well
just move there.

You don't want to do that.

It's dark; it's cold;
and hooking up

is just a crapshoot
'cause of all the big coats.

All right, drop
the coats on three.

One... two...

three!

Yeah!
Oh...

Hey, you ever
accidentally masturbate

to young pictures
of your mom?

Who the (bleep) starts
a conversation like that?

I just sat down.

Geez, what's
your problem, Peter?

I'm sorry, Quagmire.

I'm still just upset
about the damn government

sticking its nose
in my business.

I hear ya.

Wasting our tax dollars
on ridiculous causes.

We gotta protect
bald eagles?

Bald eagles should be allowed
to make their own decisions!

Honey, I don't care
that you're bald.

I find you
just as attractive.

It's not about you.

It's about my confidence
as an eagle architect.

ANNOUNCER:
Just for Eagles will give you

thicker, fuller,
more natural hair...

so you can just focus
on eagle stuff.

You're an
excellent architect.

Freakin' government.

Giving all the
good hoses to firemen.

I want them hoses.

ANCHORMAN:
Good evening, I'm Tom Tucker.

And I'm Joyce Kinney.

Coming up: Autism:

Is it real
or just another excuse

for kids these days
to forget their manners?

But first, thousands
are expected

for tomorrow's
Tea Party rally

celebrating their new
Quahog headquarters.

That's right, Joyce.

The Tea Party has gained
a sizable following

based on their message
of low taxes,

limited government,
and happy birthday, Tom...

Oh, my God, you guys!

Tea Party, huh?

Well, I'd like to be
part of a movement,

but what movement would want
an angry fat guy

with a lot of opinions
who hates listening?

For more details
on the Tea Party platform,

we now go to this
totally boss fireworks show.

♪ ♪

Oh, my God! That's everything
I believe in!

Why are they trying
to take that away from us?

I hear ya.

Well, that's it.

I am going down
to that rally tomorrow

and I am joining
the Tea Party!

Oh, wait, that's the same time
as my men's knitting club,

although they have been
really critical lately.

You're still not knitting
honestly, Peter.

You're knitting like
you want us to like you.

It's not coming from inside.

It's very superficial.

Thank you!
You've made my decision easier!

Yes! That! Knit that!

Good Tea Party morning,
everyone!

Peter, you joined
the Tea Party?!

That's right, Brian.

I finally got something
better to do

with my Saturdays
than sit at the mall

and watch Japanese girls
laugh at normal conversation.

So, I drove to work
this morning...

(all giggling)

And I had to stop
for coffee.

(all giggling)

So, there's a Starbucks
near my house.

(all laughing)

You people
are a circus.

Finally, I'm part of
a movement of regular people

trying to take back
our government.

Look, the Tea Party isn't

the grassroots movement
you think it is.

It's actually funded
by Big Business types

who are using you to get
the government out of their way

so they can roll over
everyone.

Mom held hands with a woman
at the gas station this morning.

Don't know what that means.
Just reporting it.

All I'm saying is
you're being used

and you're too clueless
to know it.

Boy, you just think
you're so superior, don't you?

Like that first creature
to walk on dry land.

Hey, where'd you go?

Ah, I went for a jog.
What's a jog?

It's a great way to stay
in shape is what it is.

Is it like a swim?

(laughing condescendingly)

No, no, it's, it's
nothing like a swim.

Wow, a lot of people here today.

Yeah. Man,
I love street fairs.

They got rides, games,

and ethnic food cooked horribly
by white Americans.

Tack-os!
Hot tack-os here!

Oh, are those tack-os?

You better believe
they're tack-os.

I love tack-os!

Especially on a
corn tor-tilla.

Oh! I love tack-os
on a corn tor-tilla!

Boy, they're really
against socialism.

That's right. The Tea Party
is all about self-reliance.

Look, there's even
a Tunnel of Self-Love.

Would you like to buy a photo
of yourself on the ride, sir?

No, I would not.

Welcome, everyone!

It's great to see
so many regular people out here.

Folks who are tired
of big government

and are ready to stand up
for their rights.

Yeah!
Down with the Spend-o-crats!

PETER:
We are Marshall!

And now, it's my privilege

to introduce another regular,
blue-collar guy,

our Quahog chapter spokesman:
Joe Workingman!

(cheering and applause)

Good afternoon, friends
and socioeconomic equals!

Is anyone else out there
sick of government crap?

Oh, my God.

It's like he's saying everything
I'm listening to.

That's right.

The government wants to tell you
what foods to eat.

(booing)

And what church
you can go to.

(booing)

And that you can't
own a chimpanzee

because you're not
responsible enough.

(booing)

I would feed it!

Also, the government
wants to tell you

how many children
you can have.

What?! No!

And the government
wants to tell you

you can't throw
your old TVs into the river.

Then how I supposed
to find TV?

If you join the Tea Party,
together, we can fix all that.

But you probably don't wanna
join the Tea Party

because all you get are these
stupid, awesome keychains!

Oh, my God, it's the keychain
from the dream!

I got to say that guy
made a lot of sense.

He sure did. The government's
really gotten outta hand.

Yeah, those bastards
have ruined everything.

The same way the Village People
ruined any gathering

of a cop, an Indian chief,
and a construction worker.

Oh, my God, can we get
a picture with you guys?

We're not those guys.

Yes, please
leave us alone.

We're very busy.

Now, where were we?
Oh, yeah.

We've gotta solve
that security problem

for the Indian Casino
we're constructing.

Hey, you guys want
to head to the Clam?

I'll catch up with you.
I got to hit the john.

Hey, buddy. Is there
a bathroom around here,

or a second floor window?

(gasps)
Carter?!

Oh... hey.

You're involved
with the Tea Party?

Wait a minute.

This is what Brian
was warning me about:

that the Tea Party
is run by rich guys

who are only out for themselves.

Brian?

You mean that arrogant,
unemployed dog of yours?

Peter, he's just one
of those liberal elites

who spreads lies
and hates patriots.

Yeah, he kinda is.

You and I are both businessmen
who work hard and pay taxes.

Except that I make
10,000 times what you make.

Yeah, we're the same,
you and me.

You know, Peter, the truth is,

I could actually use
a regular guy like you

to help get our message out,

and I know
Joe Workingman agrees with me.

Love to have you
on board, Peter.

Wow, thanks, Joe.
You can count on me.

Aw, Carter, you just missed
Joe Workingman.

(laughs)

Oh, I think he'll
know I was here.

(laughing)

(laughing maniacally)

(chuckling nervously)

I'm not sure
what's happening.

Oh, hi, Peter.
How was your rally?

Oh, it was great,
and now I know

it's the right cause
to get behind

'cause a smart guy
like your dad is involved.

What, Carter was
at the Tea Party rally?

Yeah, he was running
the whole thing.

Peter, what did I tell you
about rich guys?

Look, I know what
you're thinking, Brian,

but don't worry;
it's all okay.

Turns out
you're the enemy.

They're the ones
who are on our side.

Oh, of course,
Carter Pewterschmidt,

an industrialist with
oil refineries in this city,

is on your side.

He wants to get rid
of environmental regulations

for you.

Brian, he doesn't
get sarcasm.

No, it's not just environmental
regulations, Ban.

Carter wants
to get rid

of the whole city government
of Quahog.

He even put me in charge
of the PR campaign to do it.

Get rid of the government?

Peter, if I know my dad,
he's probably using you.

Lois, I'm so glad
you're done with the dishes

so that you can hang out
and chime in on this.

Actually, Peter, I
haven't done the dishes.

Oh, you haven't?

Well, then,
I'm confused.

Oh, he does get sarcasm.

All right,
now, remember,

the Tea Party is a
grassroots movement.

We're not covered by
the lame-stream media,

so we got to reach out to
the common man individually.

Right, common man.

WOMAN:
Hello.

Ah, geez, it's... it's a girl.

May I speak to the man
of the house?

This is the woman of the house,
and there is no man living here.

No?

W-W-What is... I-I... how are
you paying for this phone?

I'm a lawyer.

Oh, I see, and are you
in your little courthouse

right now
representing Barbie?

(click, dial tone)

Okay, one vote
for the Tea Party.

All right, kiss
government good-bye.

Yeah, I can't wait to fire
all them city employees,

starting with that half-asleep
construction worker.

What the hell?

W-W-Which one is it--
stop or go forward?

This is a big deal.

They're not at all similar.

Ah, no, no, no, no.

You, sir, have lost my business.

("Yankee Doodle Dandy" playing)

(crowd jeering)

People, please,
first things first.

Is there anyone here
for the couch off of Craigslist?

I am.

Oh, good, come on in.

That is the picture
from Craigslist.

No way it is.

It is.

No way it is.

All right, what do
the rest of you want?

We want the city government
shut down.

(cheering)

Oh, I see.

And all of you feel
the same way?

ALL: Yes!
MAN: No!

(gunshot)
ALL: Yes!

Well, I'm nothing
if not a public servant,

and the public has made
its feelings known.

I hereby declare Quahog's
city government disbanded.

(cheering)

It has been my pleasure to serve
you, and now I take my leave.

This column is mine.

I brought it from home.

Good afternoon, I'm Tom Tucker.

Our top story: Quahog is now
completely government-free,

which means I'm free
of all broadcast regulations,

so no more trips to the bathroom
for this reporter,

just a big-ass coffee can
under the desk.

Hello, family.

Peter, what the hell
were you doing out there?

You know, for years I've been
sick of taking the roads home,

so today I took the yards.

Didn't hit one light.

Man, getting rid
of the government has been

the best thing to happen
around here in a long time.

That's right.

Without government I'm free
to take a lot of mescaline

and drive to Vegas.

Wait till you see
Debbie Reynolds on stage.

Yeah, and now
my Spanish teacher and I

can finally hold hands
in the halls.

¿Meg, dónde está
la biblioteca?

Because I'm going to bang you
in the biblioteca.

Well, I'm glad you're all
enjoying your freedom,

but have you taken a look
out the window lately?

What is that?

Where's all that
smoke coming from?

The Pewterschmidt Industries
refinery,

and it's not smoke;
it's a giant cloud of pollution.

Oh, my God.

If that gets past the bad
neighborhoods and reaches us,

that's going to be
a big problem.

They can't do that.

We should report them.

To who?
There's no government.

Then it's up to us, the
people, to find a solution.

Close the curtains.

Ah, Tea Party.

Damn it, this is what I was
afraid was going to happen.

This town is going
to go to hell.

I now pronounce you
husband and wife.

You may kiss
the bride.

I'm glad we waited.

(bleating)

Giraffity.

Yeah, see,
that's not mine.

Hey, Mort, what gives
with the blond hair?

Yeah, you look
weird like that.

Historically, in instances
of mass lawlessness,

the first thing they do
is round up the Jews.

Excuse me, fellow Aryan,
have you seen any Jews around?

Is there a reward?

Wait a minute.
Are you Jewish?

I mean, uh,
unashamed locker room nudity.

This guy's kosher.

Oops.

Let's get him!

Good afternoon,
I'm Tom Tucker.

It's day five of the new
government-less Quahog,

and I'm wearing
a T-shirt.

Tom, I don't think
the government

was requiring you
to wear a suit.

Well, they were stopping me
from punching you in the face.

Is that what you want?

No, you know what?
You know what?

Give me your wallet.
What?

You heard me,
I said give me your wallet.

This is a crappy wallet.

You have bad stuff.

Oh, what the hell?

Lois, the TV
went off again.

It's the
electricity, Peter.

There are power lines down,
and there's no one to fix 'em.

The cops don't come,
the toilets don't flush,

and there's garbage
piling up in the streets.

Ryan Phillippe's been
out there for days.

Would anyone like
to be impregnated?

We had a nice town, Peter.

I had a nice life,

but you and your antigovernment
buddies ruined it.

Hey, so how's that
Tea Party going, huh?

More like
T.P. Party.

Toilet paper.

I don't know
what happened, Brian.

Not having a government
worked great in Somalia,

but somehow we seem
to have botched it all up.

Looks that way.

Wait a minute. There might be
a way out of this.

What?

We just talk to the guy
who got us into this.

He'll know what to do.

Mr. Pewterschmidt.
Mr. Pewterschmidt.

CARTER (over intercom):
Go away.

But, Mr. Pewterschmidt,
you got to do something.

The potholes ain't
getting fixed no more.

The stoplights ain't working.

Tampon commercials
no longer use blue liquids

in their demonstrations.

(all groan)

Make it blue.
That's always been the deal!

You show whatever you want,
but you make it blue!

Come on.
You got to help us out.

Go to hell.

I don't think he's going
to help, Peter.

But if rich people aren't
looking out for us, who is?

Well, maybe we need
to look out for each other.

Come on, Brian.
It's time to make this right.

Wait, before you go,
take two steps to the left.

Look up.

Okay, smile.

Aw, I suck.

(indistinct shouting)

People of Quahog,
I have something to say.

Now that we've
freed ourselves

from the terrible
shackles of government,

it's time to replace it
with something better.

(all grumbling)

The first thing we need
is a system of rules

that everyone
must live by.

(all grumbling)

Got to have rules.

And since we can't spend
all our time making rules,

I think that we should elect
some people to represent us,

and they should make rules
and choices on our behalf.

(all murmuring in agreement)

That's probably a good idea.

Now, this may be kind of
expensive, so I got a plan:

everyone should have
to give some money

from their salaries
each year.

Poor people will give
a little bit of money

and rich people will give
a larger amount of money,

and our representatives
will use all that money

to hire some people
who will then provide us

with social order
and basic services.

(cheering and applause)

Ugh, there's not one shirt
I wish I had out there.

Now, it won't be perfect.

Some of our representatives
may end up being bastards.

But you know what?
That's okay

'cause later we're going to have
more elections,

and we can use those elections
to get rid of the bad guys

and replace 'em with good guys,

and then the system
will just keep going on and on

just like that.

(cheering and applause)

So who's with me?

(cheering)

Will you join me
in trying this new crazy thing?

(cheering)

Then let's do it.

(cheering)

Yeah, and we did it all
without government.

I'm very proud
of you, Peter.

Oh, Lois, that means
nothing to me.

I only care what they say on
the Internet message boards.

== sync, corrected by elderman ==