Original subtitles

I'm Jimmy. I am the host of the show.

I'm Jimmy. I am the host of the show.

I'm Jimmy. I am the host of the show. Thank you for coming. Thank you for

Thank you for coming. Thank you for

Thank you for coming. Thank you for watching. Thank you for joining us here

watching. Thank you for joining us here

watching. Thank you for joining us here at our our live work facility here in

at our our live work facility here in

at our our live work facility here in Hollywood. I apologize for my voice. I

Hollywood. I apologize for my voice. I

Hollywood. I apologize for my voice. I um you know, I went out. I did some

um you know, I went out. I did some

um you know, I went out. I did some early Christmas caroling last night. I

early Christmas caroling last night. I

early Christmas caroling last night. I hit about a 100 houses. The neighbors

hit about a 100 houses. The neighbors

hit about a 100 houses. The neighbors were very confused, but I like to get a

were very confused, but I like to get a

were very confused, but I like to get a a head start. You know, you know that,

a head start. You know, you know that,

a head start. You know, you know that, GMO, right?

GMO, right?

GMO, right? >> I've also been screaming at the TV and

>> I've also been screaming at the TV and

>> I've also been screaming at the TV and not just at the news. Uh the NCAA

not just at the news. Uh the NCAA

not just at the news. Uh the NCAA basketball tournament is happening. We

basketball tournament is happening. We

basketball tournament is happening. We started the day with the sweet 16. We're

started the day with the sweet 16. We're

started the day with the sweet 16. We're now down to 12 teams. GMO, you were in

now down to 12 teams. GMO, you were in

now down to 12 teams. GMO, you were in what? Third place.

what? Third place.

what? Third place. >> Third place. Yes. You

>> Third place. Yes. You

>> Third place. Yes. You >> That's right. How many people are in the

>> That's right. How many people are in the

>> That's right. How many people are in the office pool?

office pool?

office pool? >> Like 220 people.

>> Like 220 people.

>> Like 220 people. >> Third place. So you must know a lot

>> Third place. So you must know a lot

>> Third place. So you must know a lot about

about

about a little bit. A little bit.

a little bit. A little bit.

a little bit. A little bit. >> Who do you have to win it?

>> Who do you have to win it?

>> Who do you have to win it? >> I have Houston, Jimmy.

>> I have Houston, Jimmy.

>> I have Houston, Jimmy. >> Oh, and they're a number two seed. You

>> Oh, and they're a number two seed. You

>> Oh, and they're a number two seed. You took a number two seed. Why did you take

took a number two seed. Why did you take

took a number two seed. Why did you take a number two?

a number two?

a number two? >> BECAUSE THEY NUMBER TWO. YEAH.

>> BECAUSE THEY NUMBER TWO. YEAH.

>> BECAUSE THEY NUMBER TWO. YEAH. WELL, I TOOK HOUSTON, MICHIGAN, PURDUE,

WELL, I TOOK HOUSTON, MICHIGAN, PURDUE,

WELL, I TOOK HOUSTON, MICHIGAN, PURDUE, and Duke in my final four.

and Duke in my final four.

and Duke in my final four. >> Do you know a lot about Houston? About

>> Do you know a lot about Houston? About

>> Do you know a lot about Houston? About the team that you picked?

the team that you picked?

the team that you picked? >> No.

>> No.

>> No. >> What's their mascot?

>> What's their mascot?

>> What's their mascot? >> Not at all.

>> Not at all.

>> Not at all. >> What is their school mascot?

>> What is their school mascot?

>> What is their school mascot? >> Uh,

>> Uh,

>> Uh, uh, a bear. I don't know.

uh, a bear. I don't know.

uh, a bear. I don't know. >> No. No. Uh, it's a Cougar, by the way.

>> No. No. Uh, it's a Cougar, by the way.

>> No. No. Uh, it's a Cougar, by the way. Yeah. I didn't bother to fill out a

Yeah. I didn't bother to fill out a

Yeah. I didn't bother to fill out a bracket this year. Instead, I just

bracket this year. Instead, I just

bracket this year. Instead, I just handed $10 to our receptionist instead

handed $10 to our receptionist instead

handed $10 to our receptionist instead to cut out the middleman. Arizona went

to cut out the middleman. Arizona went

to cut out the middleman. Arizona went in today, ranked number one. And they

in today, ranked number one. And they

in today, ranked number one. And they were very cocky about it, I have to say.

were very cocky about it, I have to say.

were very cocky about it, I have to say. I mean, that's

I mean, that's

I mean, that's Today also happens to be opening day for

Today also happens to be opening day for

Today also happens to be opening day for baseball, Major League Baseball. The

baseball, Major League Baseball. The

baseball, Major League Baseball. The Dodgers hosted the Diamondbacks at

Dodgers hosted the Diamondbacks at

Dodgers hosted the Diamondbacks at Dodger Stadium. The Dodgers

Dodger Stadium. The Dodgers

Dodger Stadium. The Dodgers LA is trying to win their third straight

LA is trying to win their third straight

LA is trying to win their third straight World Series. Dodgers right now are kind

World Series. Dodgers right now are kind

World Series. Dodgers right now are kind of like the Chicago Bulls from the '9s,

of like the Chicago Bulls from the '9s,

of like the Chicago Bulls from the '9s, except they have three Michael Jordans

except they have three Michael Jordans

except they have three Michael Jordans and they're all Japanese.

and they're all Japanese.

and they're all Japanese. Magic Johnson threw out the first pitch

Magic Johnson threw out the first pitch

Magic Johnson threw out the first pitch tonight at the Dodgers. He got and he

tonight at the Dodgers. He got and he

tonight at the Dodgers. He got and he got fouled on the play. So, he got to

got fouled on the play. So, he got to

got fouled on the play. So, he got to throw a second pitch, too. It's funny.

throw a second pitch, too. It's funny.

throw a second pitch, too. It's funny. Everyone at our office today was

Everyone at our office today was

Everyone at our office today was suddenly wearing baseball caps from

suddenly wearing baseball caps from

suddenly wearing baseball caps from their hometown. You notice it was like,

their hometown. You notice it was like,

their hometown. You notice it was like, "Oh, yeah. Jesse's from Pittsburgh." How

"Oh, yeah. Jesse's from Pittsburgh." How

"Oh, yeah. Jesse's from Pittsburgh." How about that? I am a Mets fan and the Mets

about that? I am a Mets fan and the Mets

about that? I am a Mets fan and the Mets won today. They got uh they got out to a

won today. They got uh they got out to a

won today. They got uh they got out to a big lead and miraculously kept that big

big lead and miraculously kept that big

big lead and miraculously kept that big lead. This is good. This is video of a

lead. This is good. This is video of a

lead. This is good. This is video of a dad surprising his son with tickets to

dad surprising his son with tickets to

dad surprising his son with tickets to that game. I got good news and I got bad

that game. I got good news and I got bad

that game. I got good news and I got bad news.

news.

news. >> The bad news is

>> The bad news is

>> The bad news is you can't go to school today.

you can't go to school today.

you can't go to school today. >> What?

>> What?

>> What? >> The good news is

>> The good news is

>> The good news is we're going to opening day.

we're going to opening day.

we're going to opening day. >> Yay.

>> Let me tell you something. That boy is a

>> Let me tell you something. That boy is a

>> Let me tell you something. That boy is a Mets fan through and through. That's

Mets fan through and through. That's

Mets fan through and through. That's They can never let you down if you're

They can never let you down if you're

They can never let you down if you're already there, kid. And this is

already there, kid. And this is

already there, kid. And this is something you're really You're not going

something you're really You're not going

something you're really You're not going to believe this. I know there are a lot

to believe this. I know there are a lot

to believe this. I know there are a lot of things that are hard to believe

of things that are hard to believe

of things that are hard to believe lately, but guess who got another madeup

lately, but guess who got another madeup

lately, but guess who got another madeup award last night. Any guesses?

award last night. Any guesses?

award last night. Any guesses? That's right. The president has done so

That's right. The president has done so

That's right. The president has done so much for the American people, and we

much for the American people, and we

much for the American people, and we want to honor him in some small way,

want to honor him in some small way,

want to honor him in some small way, some token of our appreciation for his

some token of our appreciation for his

some token of our appreciation for his leadership. And so tonight, we have

leadership. And so tonight, we have

leadership. And so tonight, we have created a new award.

>> You have

Come on. believe the guy. He created a

Come on. believe the guy. He created a

Come on. believe the guy. He created a new award. What is going on? I mean,

new award. What is going on? I mean,

new award. What is going on? I mean, what in the world? This guy I can't

what in the world? This guy I can't

what in the world? This guy I can't figure out who should be more

figure out who should be more

figure out who should be more embarrassed. The guy who came up with

embarrassed. The guy who came up with

embarrassed. The guy who came up with the new award or the guy who proudly

the new award or the guy who proudly

the new award or the guy who proudly accepted the new award. Watch Mike

accepted the new award. Watch Mike

accepted the new award. Watch Mike Johnson here. You can almost You can

Johnson here. You can almost You can

Johnson here. You can almost You can almost feel his spine exiting his body.

almost feel his spine exiting his body.

almost feel his spine exiting his body. But he is the suitable and fitting

But he is the suitable and fitting

But he is the suitable and fitting recipient of the first ever America

recipient of the first ever America

recipient of the first ever America First Award. We can think of no better

First Award. We can think of no better

First Award. We can think of no better title for what that is.

Did you try? Because I can come up with

Did you try? Because I can come up with

Did you try? Because I can come up with How about the Wiseman trophy? That would

How about the Wiseman trophy? That would

How about the Wiseman trophy? That would be a better name.

be a better name.

be a better name. The BME would be good.

The Nobel piece of you know what I mean?

The Nobel piece of you know what I mean?

The Nobel piece of you know what I mean? But the squeaker of the house is

But the squeaker of the house is

But the squeaker of the house is correct. There could be no more

correct. There could be no more

correct. There could be no more deserving winner of this fictitious

deserving winner of this fictitious

deserving winner of this fictitious distinction you created specifically to

distinction you created specifically to

distinction you created specifically to tongue bathe his undercarriage than

tongue bathe his undercarriage than

tongue bathe his undercarriage than Donald Trump. My favorite part when they

Donald Trump. My favorite part when they

Donald Trump. My favorite part when they give Trump these awards is when he comes

give Trump these awards is when he comes

give Trump these awards is when he comes out with a look of surprise on his face

out with a look of surprise on his face

out with a look of surprise on his face like what? Another trophy for me. And

like what? Another trophy for me. And

like what? Another trophy for me. And the saddest part is he seems to be

the saddest part is he seems to be

the saddest part is he seems to be genuinely honored by these imaginary

genuinely honored by these imaginary

genuinely honored by these imaginary accolades.

accolades.

accolades. >> Mr. President, come on out.

>> I love this land.

>> I love this land.

>> I love this land. God bless the USA.

Look at him. How happy he is. All the

Look at him. How happy he is. All the

Look at him. How happy he is. All the grace and elegance of a gorilla at a

grace and elegance of a gorilla at a

grace and elegance of a gorilla at a wedding. And he's thrilled. He's

wedding. And he's thrilled. He's

wedding. And he's thrilled. He's thrilled. It's like

thrilled. It's like

thrilled. It's like It's like, you know what? You promise

It's like, you know what? You promise

It's like, you know what? You promise you

you

you promise you buy your kids gummy worms if

promise you buy your kids gummy worms if

promise you buy your kids gummy worms if they have a good behavior day. It's like

they have a good behavior day. It's like

they have a good behavior day. It's like that. The statue they gave him, the

that. The statue they gave him, the

that. The statue they gave him, the statue itself, the inaugural America

statue itself, the inaugural America

statue itself, the inaugural America First award in recognition of our

First award in recognition of our

First award in recognition of our president's extraordinary need to win

president's extraordinary need to win

president's extraordinary need to win things every single day is a golden

things every single day is a golden

things every single day is a golden eagle. And that is going on the mantle

eagle. And that is going on the mantle

eagle. And that is going on the mantle right next to his regifted Nobel Peace

right next to his regifted Nobel Peace

right next to his regifted Nobel Peace Prize and the Olympic gold medal he

Prize and the Olympic gold medal he

Prize and the Olympic gold medal he didn't win and the three tournament

didn't win and the three tournament

didn't win and the three tournament championships he won at his own golf

championships he won at his own golf

championships he won at his own golf club. Are we sure he's building a

club. Are we sure he's building a

club. Are we sure he's building a ballroom with that money and not a $900

ballroom with that money and not a $900

ballroom with that money and not a $900 million trophy case? But Trump loves

million trophy case? But Trump loves

million trophy case? But Trump loves trophies. I mean, he even married one.

trophies. I mean, he even married one.

trophies. I mean, he even married one. He really loves trophies. And then

He really loves trophies. And then

He really loves trophies. And then and then

and then

and then Ceel de Man got up and gave an hourong

Ceel de Man got up and gave an hourong

Ceel de Man got up and gave an hourong acceptance speech during which he

acceptance speech during which he

acceptance speech during which he covered a wide range of subjects

covered a wide range of subjects

covered a wide range of subjects including how bigly he's winning the war

including how bigly he's winning the war

including how bigly he's winning the war in Iran that isn't actually a war at

in Iran that isn't actually a war at

in Iran that isn't actually a war at all. They want to deflect from all of

all. They want to deflect from all of

all. They want to deflect from all of the tremendous success that we're having

the tremendous success that we're having

the tremendous success that we're having in this military operation. I won't use

in this military operation. I won't use

in this military operation. I won't use the word war because they say if you use

the word war because they say if you use

the word war because they say if you use the word war, that's maybe not a good

the word war, that's maybe not a good

the word war, that's maybe not a good thing to do. They don't like the word

thing to do. They don't like the word

thing to do. They don't like the word war because you're supposed to get

war because you're supposed to get

war because you're supposed to get approval. So, I'll use the word military

approval. So, I'll use the word military

approval. So, I'll use the word military operation.

operation.

operation. >> That's right. That's right. It's not

It's not World War II he's getting us

It's not World War II he's getting us

It's not World War II he's getting us into. It's World Military Operation

into. It's World Military Operation

into. It's World Military Operation Three. At least he's upfront about the

Three. At least he's upfront about the

Three. At least he's upfront about the fact that he just brazenly disregarded

fact that he just brazenly disregarded

fact that he just brazenly disregarded the authority of all the people in that

the authority of all the people in that

the authority of all the people in that room. Oh, you need permission from

room. Oh, you need permission from

room. Oh, you need permission from Congress to start a war? I'll just call

Congress to start a war? I'll just call

Congress to start a war? I'll just call it a picnic then and they'll give me an

it a picnic then and they'll give me an

it a picnic then and they'll give me an award for it. Not only did Trump get an

award for it. Not only did Trump get an

award for it. Not only did Trump get an award from Congress, he got a present

award from Congress, he got a present

award from Congress, he got a present from Iran on Tuesday. He was bragging

from Iran on Tuesday. He was bragging

from Iran on Tuesday. He was bragging about this mysterious secret prize he

about this mysterious secret prize he

about this mysterious secret prize he got from the Iranians. Said he couldn't

got from the Iranians. Said he couldn't

got from the Iranians. Said he couldn't tell us what it was. And then of course

tell us what it was. And then of course

tell us what it was. And then of course during his cabinet meeting today, he ju

during his cabinet meeting today, he ju

during his cabinet meeting today, he ju he couldn't hold it in anymore and told

he couldn't hold it in anymore and told

he couldn't hold it in anymore and told us what it was.

us what it was.

us what it was. >> You know I told you about a present,

>> You know I told you about a present,

>> You know I told you about a present, right? Steve, can I reveal the

right? Steve, can I reveal the

right? Steve, can I reveal the president?

president?

president? >> You can do anything you want.

>> You can do anything you want.

>> You can do anything you want. >> They said to show you the fact that

>> They said to show you the fact that

>> They said to show you the fact that we're real

we're real

we're real and solid and we're there, we're going

and solid and we're there, we're going

and solid and we're there, we're going to let you have eight boats of oil.

to let you have eight boats of oil.

to let you have eight boats of oil. Eight boats. Eight big boats of oil.

Eight boats. Eight big boats of oil.

Eight boats. Eight big boats of oil. Let me get this straight. The country we

Let me get this straight. The country we

Let me get this straight. The country we are at war with, the country we are

are at war with, the country we are

are at war with, the country we are currently bombing sent you a gift. And

currently bombing sent you a gift. And

currently bombing sent you a gift. And that gift is eight big boats of oil.

that gift is eight big boats of oil.

that gift is eight big boats of oil. It's a Hanukkah miracle.

It's a Hanukkah miracle.

It's a Hanukkah miracle. Except from a country that hates

Except from a country that hates

Except from a country that hates Hanukkah and the people who celebrate

Hanukkah and the people who celebrate

Hanukkah and the people who celebrate it. Eight boats of oil is a gift you'd

it. Eight boats of oil is a gift you'd

it. Eight boats of oil is a gift you'd send Diddy, not the president of the

send Diddy, not the president of the

send Diddy, not the president of the United States.

United States.

United States. Now, some

Now, some

Now, some some White House staffers were

some White House staffers were

some White House staffers were reportedly baffled by the president's

reportedly baffled by the president's

reportedly baffled by the president's remarks, which I'm guessing that's a

remarks, which I'm guessing that's a

remarks, which I'm guessing that's a regular occurrence. Now, it seems it

regular occurrence. Now, it seems it

regular occurrence. Now, it seems it started with Kovfe and just kind of

started with Kovfe and just kind of

started with Kovfe and just kind of snowballed from there. There's another

snowballed from there. There's another

snowballed from there. There's another story coming from inside the White House

story coming from inside the White House

story coming from inside the White House that says Trump is upset with JD Vance

that says Trump is upset with JD Vance

that says Trump is upset with JD Vance because JD Vance hasn't been supportive

because JD Vance hasn't been supportive

because JD Vance hasn't been supportive enough of his war. The story says Trump

enough of his war. The story says Trump

enough of his war. The story says Trump has been making snide annoyed comments

has been making snide annoyed comments

has been making snide annoyed comments about JD in private, which how great

about JD in private, which how great

about JD in private, which how great would it be if he fired JD Vance and

would it be if he fired JD Vance and

would it be if he fired JD Vance and brought back Mike Pence. Can he do that?

brought back Mike Pence. Can he do that?

brought back Mike Pence. Can he do that? Like like when the original Becky came

Like like when the original Becky came

Like like when the original Becky came back to Roseanne,

back to Roseanne,

back to Roseanne, Trump touched on a number of topics at

Trump touched on a number of topics at

Trump touched on a number of topics at the cabinet meeting today. One of the

the cabinet meeting today. One of the

the cabinet meeting today. One of the most important being his thoughts when

most important being his thoughts when

most important being his thoughts when it comes to pens.

it comes to pens.

it comes to pens. >> See this pen right here? This pen is an

>> See this pen right here? This pen is an

>> See this pen right here? This pen is an interesting reason. It's the same thing.

interesting reason. It's the same thing.

interesting reason. It's the same thing. So this pen is very inexpensive.

So this pen is very inexpensive.

So this pen is very inexpensive. But it writes well. I like it. But I

But it writes well. I like it. But I

But it writes well. I like it. But I can't have the pen the way it was. You

can't have the pen the way it was. You

can't have the pen the way it was. You know what it is. I don't want to give

know what it is. I don't want to give

know what it is. I don't want to give too much publicity, but they do treat me

too much publicity, but they do treat me

too much publicity, but they do treat me well. Sharpie,

well. Sharpie,

well. Sharpie, they do treat me well. Sharpie, he has

they do treat me well. Sharpie, he has

they do treat me well. Sharpie, he has he has exactly 002 seconds of impulse

he has exactly 002 seconds of impulse

he has exactly 002 seconds of impulse control. Are we the only country that

control. Are we the only country that

control. Are we the only country that has a national pen? They should call his

has a national pen? They should call his

has a national pen? They should call his a dolly. They should write dolly on

a dolly. They should write dolly on

a dolly. They should write dolly on every one of them. And he's going to be

every one of them. And he's going to be

every one of them. And he's going to be putting that pen to use. Uh he's about

putting that pen to use. Uh he's about

putting that pen to use. Uh he's about to become the first sitting president to

to become the first sitting president to

to become the first sitting president to have his signature on money to celebrate

have his signature on money to celebrate

have his signature on money to celebrate America's 250th anniversary. Trump is

America's 250th anniversary. Trump is

America's 250th anniversary. Trump is having his signature added to dollar

having his signature added to dollar

having his signature added to dollar bills. They released an image of what it

bills. They released an image of what it

bills. They released an image of what it will look like. And um I don't know, it

will look like. And um I don't know, it

will look like. And um I don't know, it seems

seems

seems seems a bit subtle for him. The

seems a bit subtle for him. The

seems a bit subtle for him. The president and his pals in the MAGA media

president and his pals in the MAGA media

president and his pals in the MAGA media are not happy with me right now. Trump

are not happy with me right now. Trump

are not happy with me right now. Trump even called into Fox to complain about

even called into Fox to complain about

even called into Fox to complain about me tonight. His apple polishers are are

me tonight. His apple polishers are are

me tonight. His apple polishers are are all in a tizzy because I made light of

all in a tizzy because I made light of

all in a tizzy because I made light of the fact that his new head of homeland

the fact that his new head of homeland

the fact that his new head of homeland security, Mark Wayne Mullen, before he

security, Mark Wayne Mullen, before he

security, Mark Wayne Mullen, before he was a senator, was a plumber and now

was a senator, was a plumber and now

was a senator, was a plumber and now he's the head of Homeland Security,

he's the head of Homeland Security,

he's the head of Homeland Security, which is not necessarily the kind of

which is not necessarily the kind of

which is not necessarily the kind of resume you might hope for for the person

resume you might hope for for the person

resume you might hope for for the person in charge of protecting us from

in charge of protecting us from

in charge of protecting us from terrorism. Of course, they decided to

terrorism. Of course, they decided to

terrorism. Of course, they decided to twist that to say it was an insult to

twist that to say it was an insult to

twist that to say it was an insult to plumbers, which it was not. I I wouldn't

plumbers, which it was not. I I wouldn't

plumbers, which it was not. I I wouldn't put a plumber in charge of homeland

put a plumber in charge of homeland

put a plumber in charge of homeland security for the same reason I wouldn't

security for the same reason I wouldn't

security for the same reason I wouldn't call a fivestar general to pull a rat

call a fivestar general to pull a rat

call a fivestar general to pull a rat out of my toilet. Okay, it has we all

out of my toilet. Okay, it has we all

out of my toilet. Okay, it has we all have our areas of expertise. So anyway,

have our areas of expertise. So anyway,

have our areas of expertise. So anyway, they went nuts about this. They went

they went nuts about this. They went

they went nuts about this. They went nuts on every channel.

nuts on every channel.

nuts on every channel. But I think that my favorite part of a

But I think that my favorite part of a

But I think that my favorite part of a bit of performative outrage came from a

bit of performative outrage came from a

bit of performative outrage came from a person named Rob Finery of Newsmax. It

person named Rob Finery of Newsmax. It

person named Rob Finery of Newsmax. It did not take long for Jimmy Kimmel to

did not take long for Jimmy Kimmel to

did not take long for Jimmy Kimmel to mock our new Homeland Security

mock our new Homeland Security

mock our new Homeland Security Secretary, Mark Wayne Mullen, because

Secretary, Mark Wayne Mullen, because

Secretary, Mark Wayne Mullen, because Mullen was a plumber before he ran for

Mullen was a plumber before he ran for

Mullen was a plumber before he ran for Congress.

Congress.

Congress. >> Before he was elected to the Senate,

>> Before he was elected to the Senate,

>> Before he was elected to the Senate, Mark Wayne Mullen was a low-level MMA

Mark Wayne Mullen was a low-level MMA

Mark Wayne Mullen was a low-level MMA fighter and a plumber. That's right. We

fighter and a plumber. That's right. We

fighter and a plumber. That's right. We have a plumber protecting us from

have a plumber protecting us from

have a plumber protecting us from terrorism now.

terrorism now.

terrorism now. >> Do you know how many people in America

>> Do you know how many people in America

>> Do you know how many people in America that offends? Including myself. Do you

that offends? Including myself. Do you

that offends? Including myself. Do you know how many people that offends? Jimmy

know how many people that offends? Jimmy

know how many people that offends? Jimmy Kimmel, by the way, who's not funny or

Kimmel, by the way, who's not funny or

Kimmel, by the way, who's not funny or handsome or anything. Okay. He's just a

handsome or anything. Okay. He's just a

handsome or anything. Okay. He's just a guy who makes a lot of money.

guy who makes a lot of money.

guy who makes a lot of money. >> Oh, I like how important handsome is on

>> Oh, I like how important handsome is on

>> Oh, I like how important handsome is on his list.

his list.

his list. Not funny or handsome. I I can barely

Not funny or handsome. I I can barely

Not funny or handsome. I I can barely even get a boner watching this guy.

even get a boner watching this guy.

even get a boner watching this guy. I am I'm so sorry you were offended,

I am I'm so sorry you were offended,

I am I'm so sorry you were offended, Rob. I I didn't know you were such a

Rob. I I didn't know you were such a

Rob. I I didn't know you were such a sensitive snowflake. And by the way,

sensitive snowflake. And by the way,

sensitive snowflake. And by the way, you're a handsome guy. Had I known you

you're a handsome guy. Had I known you

you're a handsome guy. Had I known you were so delicate, I never would have

were so delicate, I never would have

were so delicate, I never would have suggested such a terrible thing. You

suggested such a terrible thing. You

suggested such a terrible thing. You see, what people like Jimmy Kimmel never

see, what people like Jimmy Kimmel never

see, what people like Jimmy Kimmel never seem to understand is that people like

seem to understand is that people like

seem to understand is that people like Mark Wayne Mullen are exactly why 15

Mark Wayne Mullen are exactly why 15

Mark Wayne Mullen are exactly why 15 million illegals came into this country

million illegals came into this country

million illegals came into this country under Joe Biden. They want the American

under Joe Biden. They want the American

under Joe Biden. They want the American dream. And Mark Wayne Mullen is living

dream. And Mark Wayne Mullen is living

dream. And Mark Wayne Mullen is living it. And so are you, Jimmy. So cut him

it. And so are you, Jimmy. So cut him

it. And so are you, Jimmy. So cut him some slack. Okay, I will.

some slack. Okay, I will.

some slack. Okay, I will. Listen,

Listen,

Listen, let me make this very clear.

let me make this very clear.

let me make this very clear. I'm not upset that the head of Homeland

I'm not upset that the head of Homeland

I'm not upset that the head of Homeland Security used to be a plumber. I'm upset

Security used to be a plumber. I'm upset

Security used to be a plumber. I'm upset that he isn't still a plumber. Okay. And

that he isn't still a plumber. Okay. And

that he isn't still a plumber. Okay. And the best part of all of this, all the

the best part of all of this, all the

the best part of all of this, all the outrage from Finerity and Hannity and

outrage from Finerity and Hannity and

outrage from Finerity and Hannity and the five is that I distinctly remember

the five is that I distinctly remember

the five is that I distinctly remember some very serious concerns resume-wise

some very serious concerns resume-wise

some very serious concerns resume-wise when it came to a certain former

when it came to a certain former

when it came to a certain former bartender from New York

bartender from New York

bartender from New York >> before Okasiocortez was elected to

>> before Okasiocortez was elected to

>> before Okasiocortez was elected to Congress. Her her resume is she was a

Congress. Her her resume is she was a

Congress. Her her resume is she was a bartender.

bartender.

bartender. >> The congresswoman is kind of like Vice

>> The congresswoman is kind of like Vice

>> The congresswoman is kind of like Vice President Kla Harris, but with more

President Kla Harris, but with more

President Kla Harris, but with more bartending experience. She has no idea

bartending experience. She has no idea

bartending experience. She has no idea where Venezuela is on a map because they

where Venezuela is on a map because they

where Venezuela is on a map because they don't teach geography in bartending

don't teach geography in bartending

don't teach geography in bartending school. Why the governor of Michigan is

school. Why the governor of Michigan is

school. Why the governor of Michigan is speaking in Munich on foreign policy or

speaking in Munich on foreign policy or

speaking in Munich on foreign policy or AOC who was a bartender a few years ago.

AOC who was a bartender a few years ago.

AOC who was a bartender a few years ago. The bartender from Queens.

The bartender from Queens.

The bartender from Queens. >> She may have been a good bartender.

>> She may have been a good bartender.

>> She may have been a good bartender. >> That bartender speaker bartender,

>> That bartender speaker bartender,

>> That bartender speaker bartender, >> a former bartender.

>> a former bartender.

>> a former bartender. >> Bartender turned politician.

>> Bartender turned politician.

>> Bartender turned politician. >> 29-year-old bartender.

>> 29-year-old bartender.

>> 29-year-old bartender. >> I mean, this lady's less than two years

>> I mean, this lady's less than two years

>> I mean, this lady's less than two years removed from searching behind the bar

removed from searching behind the bar

removed from searching behind the bar for plant life when somebody ordered a

for plant life when somebody ordered a

for plant life when somebody ordered a root beer. Well, on behalf of bartenders

root beer. Well, on behalf of bartenders

root beer. Well, on behalf of bartenders everywhere, we anxiously await your

everywhere, we anxiously await your

everywhere, we anxiously await your apology. You do the bartenders, I'll do

apology. You do the bartenders, I'll do

apology. You do the bartenders, I'll do the plumbers. Okay.

the plumbers. Okay.

the plumbers. Okay. And one more thing. It's Thursday night

And one more thing. It's Thursday night

And one more thing. It's Thursday night and that means it's time to bleep and

and that means it's time to bleep and

and that means it's time to bleep and blur the big TV moments of the week. It

blur the big TV moments of the week. It

blur the big TV moments of the week. It is this week in unnecessary censorship.

>> Well, travelers at the Philadelphia

>> Well, travelers at the Philadelphia

>> Well, travelers at the Philadelphia airport are being by ICE agents. Uh, I

airport are being by ICE agents. Uh, I

airport are being by ICE agents. Uh, I voted three times along with my

voted three times along with my

voted three times along with my Republicans in the House, three times to

Republicans in the House, three times to

Republicans in the House, three times to the Homeland Security B.

the Homeland Security B.

the Homeland Security B. >> And really, you know, the the the

>> And really, you know, the the the

>> And really, you know, the the the terming a dead cow or a dead horse comes

terming a dead cow or a dead horse comes

terming a dead cow or a dead horse comes to mind.

to mind.

to mind. >> And I had a chance to do what I do best,

>> And I had a chance to do what I do best,

>> And I had a chance to do what I do best, and that's a horse.

and that's a horse.

and that's a horse. >> I love those guys. Those guys that are a

>> I love those guys. Those guys that are a

>> I love those guys. Those guys that are a little smaller than you're supposed to

little smaller than you're supposed to

little smaller than you're supposed to be, but they have a bigger than

be, but they have a bigger than

be, but they have a bigger than everybody on the team, right?

everybody on the team, right?

everybody on the team, right? >> But what doesn't scare me is what day it

>> But what doesn't scare me is what day it

>> But what doesn't scare me is what day it is today. It is national off day. So

is today. It is national off day. So

is today. It is national off day. So >> every day for us

>> every day for us

>> every day for us >> and happy national day.

>> and happy national day.

>> and happy national day. >> Yes.

>> Yes.

>> Yes. >> Are you team small or team big?

>> Are you team small or team big?

>> Are you team small or team big? >> We want you to send us a picture of your

>> We want you to send us a picture of your

>> We want you to send us a picture of your or the type of that you like. You have

or the type of that you like. You have

or the type of that you like. You have any uh memories of me off with you?

any uh memories of me off with you?

any uh memories of me off with you? >> Uh yeah. A lot of our pool parties in

>> Uh yeah. A lot of our pool parties in

>> Uh yeah. A lot of our pool parties in the summertime you you like to off.

the summertime you you like to off.

the summertime you you like to off. >> Yes. No, they're fun. You know what I

>> Yes. No, they're fun. You know what I

>> Yes. No, they're fun. You know what I had to do to get in the Pro Wrestling

had to do to get in the Pro Wrestling

had to do to get in the Pro Wrestling Hall of Fame? At one point in my career,

Hall of Fame? At one point in my career,

Hall of Fame? At one point in my career, I 63 consecutive in a row.

I 63 consecutive in a row.

I 63 consecutive in a row. Thank you, Governor. We've got a fun

Thank you, Governor. We've got a fun

Thank you, Governor. We've got a fun show for tonight. David Cross is here.

show for tonight. David Cross is here.

show for tonight. David Cross is here. Coco Jones is here. And when we come

Coco Jones is here. And when we come

Coco Jones is here. And when we come back, we're going to play a game with uh

back, we're going to play a game with uh

back, we're going to play a game with uh Charlie Puthy is going to attempt to

Charlie Puthy is going to attempt to

Charlie Puthy is going to attempt to sing a song he has never seen the lyrics

sing a song he has never seen the lyrics

sing a song he has never seen the lyrics for. There's Charlie. So, stick around.

for. There's Charlie. So, stick around.

for. There's Charlie. So, stick around. Be right back.