Original subtitles

Welcome to the Daily SHOW. MY NAME IS

Welcome to the Daily SHOW. MY NAME IS

Welcome to the Daily SHOW. MY NAME IS JOHN STEWART. Great show for you

JOHN STEWART. Great show for you

JOHN STEWART. Great show for you tonight. Later on, I will be speaking

tonight. Later on, I will be speaking

tonight. Later on, I will be speaking with civil liberties attorney Cindy Con.

with civil liberties attorney Cindy Con.

with civil liberties attorney Cindy Con. She's here.

>> We are going to discuss her new book

>> We are going to discuss her new book

>> We are going to discuss her new book about digital privacy and then uh she

about digital privacy and then uh she

about digital privacy and then uh she will show me how to post a close friends

will show me how to post a close friends

will show me how to post a close friends story.

I recently joined Instagram and I

I recently joined Instagram and I

I recently joined Instagram and I don't know how to do it.

don't know how to do it.

don't know how to do it. Uh but as many of you know it's the

Uh but as many of you know it's the

Uh but as many of you know it's the onemon anniversary the Iran war and uh

onemon anniversary the Iran war and uh

onemon anniversary the Iran war and uh as we all know one month is the

as we all know one month is the

as we all know one month is the escalated threat anniversary.

escalated threat anniversary.

escalated threat anniversary. >> If the straight of Hormuz is not

>> If the straight of Hormuz is not

>> If the straight of Hormuz is not immediately open for business, we will

immediately open for business, we will

immediately open for business, we will conclude by blowing up and completely

conclude by blowing up and completely

conclude by blowing up and completely obliterating all of their electric

obliterating all of their electric

obliterating all of their electric generating plants, oil wells, and Carg

generating plants, oil wells, and Carg

generating plants, oil wells, and Carg Island. You better open that straight or

Island. You better open that straight or

Island. You better open that straight or we're going to blow you up

more than we already blew you. WE'RE

more than we already blew you. WE'RE

more than we already blew you. WE'RE GOING TO DOUBLE BLOW YOU UP. WE'RE GOING

GOING TO DOUBLE BLOW YOU UP. WE'RE GOING

GOING TO DOUBLE BLOW YOU UP. WE'RE GOING TO BLOW YOU UP.

TO BLOW YOU UP.

TO BLOW YOU UP. That's where we are at in our war. Trump

That's where we are at in our war. Trump

That's where we are at in our war. Trump is threatening to escalate our bombing

is threatening to escalate our bombing

is threatening to escalate our bombing campaign unless Iran opens the straight

campaign unless Iran opens the straight

campaign unless Iran opens the straight that they closed in response to Trump's

that they closed in response to Trump's

that they closed in response to Trump's bombing campaign. I

bombing campaign. I

bombing campaign. I I believe we've entered what General

I believe we've entered what General

I believe we've entered what General Patton used to refer to as the human

Patton used to refer to as the human

Patton used to refer to as the human centipede portion of the war.

I urge you not to look that up.

I urge you not to look that up.

I urge you not to look that up. And I understand uh why the world would

And I understand uh why the world would

And I understand uh why the world would like the straight of Hormuz open.

like the straight of Hormuz open.

like the straight of Hormuz open. >> The conflict is disrupting global supply

>> The conflict is disrupting global supply

>> The conflict is disrupting global supply chains for other surprising and

chains for other surprising and

chains for other surprising and essential products. grain, nuts, oils,

essential products. grain, nuts, oils,

essential products. grain, nuts, oils, saffron, dates,

saffron, dates,

saffron, dates, >> paddles, and pickle balls.

>> Yeah. Uh, I'm not sure how that snuck

>> Yeah. Uh, I'm not sure how that snuck

>> Yeah. Uh, I'm not sure how that snuck into the essential product store,

into the essential product store,

into the essential product store, but I guess we all make sacrifices in

but I guess we all make sacrifices in

but I guess we all make sacrifices in wartime.

My dearest Eliza,

it's been over a month since I've played

it's been over a month since I've played

it's been over a month since I've played well, not tennis. Kind of like tennis.

well, not tennis. Kind of like tennis.

well, not tennis. Kind of like tennis. It's

It's

It's more like like baby tennis. It like But

more like like baby tennis. It like But

more like like baby tennis. It like But IT'S BIGGER THAN PINGPONG. YOU REALLY

IT'S BIGGER THAN PINGPONG. YOU REALLY

IT'S BIGGER THAN PINGPONG. YOU REALLY HAVE TO TRY IT, ELIZA. IT'S SO FUN.

ACTING. That was acting. Uh, what else

ACTING. That was acting. Uh, what else

ACTING. That was acting. Uh, what else is being blocked?

is being blocked?

is being blocked? >> It's getting harder to get food that

>> It's getting harder to get food that

>> It's getting harder to get food that comes with pistachios.

comes with pistachios.

comes with pistachios. >> You can't make to buy chocolate bars.

>> Oh no. What will our influencers stand

>> Oh no. What will our influencers stand

>> Oh no. What will our influencers stand in line to pretend to eat?

in line to pretend to eat?

in line to pretend to eat? Dubai chocolate. My god, that's been an

Dubai chocolate. My god, that's been an

Dubai chocolate. My god, that's been an American staple for tens of days.

American staple for tens of days.

American staple for tens of days. I can't believe how the news has to

I can't believe how the news has to

I can't believe how the news has to frame world events to try and make

frame world events to try and make

frame world events to try and make Americans care. The whole region is

Americans care. The whole region is

Americans care. The whole region is being flattened. Innocent people are

being flattened. Innocent people are

being flattened. Innocent people are dying. Their food and fuel are in total

dying. Their food and fuel are in total

dying. Their food and fuel are in total chaos. And our news is like, "If this

chaos. And our news is like, "If this

chaos. And our news is like, "If this goes on any longer, say goodbye to your

goes on any longer, say goodbye to your

goes on any longer, say goodbye to your stuffed crust pizza.

Are Americans losing anything else?

Are Americans losing anything else?

Are Americans losing anything else? >> It turns out there is another key

>> It turns out there is another key

>> It turns out there is another key material being affected by the war in

material being affected by the war in

material being affected by the war in Iran. Fertilizer.

Iran. Fertilizer.

Iran. Fertilizer. >> There could be helium shortages. Yes,

>> There could be helium shortages. Yes,

>> There could be helium shortages. Yes, the gas that's used in party balloons.

the gas that's used in party balloons.

the gas that's used in party balloons. >> What the

>> What the

>> What the Helium is a fundamental gas used in the

Helium is a fundamental gas used in the

Helium is a fundamental gas used in the production of advanced chip technology.

production of advanced chip technology.

production of advanced chip technology. You don't have to dumb it down to make

You don't have to dumb it down to make

You don't have to dumb it down to make us Oh, this war could be even bad for

us Oh, this war could be even bad for

us Oh, this war could be even bad for your prom proposals. It's like come on.

your prom proposals. It's like come on.

your prom proposals. It's like come on. For more on how the closing of the

For more on how the closing of the

For more on how the closing of the street of Hormuz is affecting Americans,

street of Hormuz is affecting Americans,

street of Hormuz is affecting Americans, we go live to Ronnie Chang, Jordan

we go live to Ronnie Chang, Jordan

we go live to Ronnie Chang, Jordan Kipper, and Michael Costa. We're on the

Kipper, and Michael Costa. We're on the

Kipper, and Michael Costa. We're on the ground right now in the state of Horse.

ground right now in the state of Horse.

ground right now in the state of Horse. Uh gentlemen, thanks for joining us. Uh

Uh gentlemen, thanks for joining us. Uh

Uh gentlemen, thanks for joining us. Uh you know what I'm going to do? Ronnie,

you know what I'm going to do? Ronnie,

you know what I'm going to do? Ronnie, uh Ronnie Chang. Ronnie, I'm going to

uh Ronnie Chang. Ronnie, I'm going to

uh Ronnie Chang. Ronnie, I'm going to start with you. Uh uh what's the latest?

start with you. Uh uh what's the latest?

start with you. Uh uh what's the latest? Well, John, the latest is the Iranians

Well, John, the latest is the Iranians

Well, John, the latest is the Iranians think they can just close the stray of

think they can just close the stray of

think they can just close the stray of homes and stop us from eating

homes and stop us from eating

homes and stop us from eating pistachios.

pistachios.

pistachios. Well, I got a message for them from

Well, I got a message for them from

Well, I got a message for them from America.

>> They can come and get these nuts out of

>> They can come and get these nuts out of

>> They can come and get these nuts out of my mouth.

my mouth.

my mouth. >> That's right.

That's right, John. That's right, John.

That's right, John. That's right, John.

That's right, John. That's right, John. And I also have a message. I just want

And I also have a message. I just want

And I also have a message. I just want to add that if the Ayatollah thinks he's

to add that if the Ayatollah thinks he's

to add that if the Ayatollah thinks he's going to stop Americans from getting our

going to stop Americans from getting our

going to stop Americans from getting our supply of helium, well then I've got one

supply of helium, well then I've got one

supply of helium, well then I've got one thing to say.

You [\h__\h] pitches can come get it out of

You [\h__\h] pitches can come get it out of

You [\h__\h] pitches can come get it out of my mouth.

>> That's amazing. Uh and Jordan Clever.

>> That's amazing. Uh and Jordan Clever.

>> That's amazing. Uh and Jordan Clever. >> Uh yes, John.

Uh

Uh

Uh what do you have? Is there anything? Is

what do you have? Is there anything? Is

what do you have? Is there anything? Is there anything else that the strait is

there anything else that the strait is

there anything else that the strait is affecting?

affecting?

affecting? >> Uh yes. Um fertilizer uh shortage. Uh

>> Uh yes. Um fertilizer uh shortage. Uh

>> Uh yes. Um fertilizer uh shortage. Uh back to you, John.

>> Is there any message that you want to

>> Is there any message that you want to

>> Is there any message that you want to send about the fertilizer shortage?

send about the fertilizer shortage?

send about the fertilizer shortage? >> Oh yeah, John. Sure. Uh big one. If you

>> Oh yeah, John. Sure. Uh big one. If you

>> Oh yeah, John. Sure. Uh big one. If you think you're going to take our

think you're going to take our

think you're going to take our fertilizer,

fertilizer,

fertilizer, well, you're going to have to come and

well, you're going to have to come and

well, you're going to have to come and take it from my hands, John.

take it from my hands, John.

take it from my hands, John. But but but your hand? What the? Eat it.

But but but your hand? What the? Eat it.

But but but your hand? What the? Eat it. >> Yeah, Jordan, I got no problem sending a

>> Yeah, Jordan, I got no problem sending a

>> Yeah, Jordan, I got no problem sending a message. All right. Hey, yo, these nuts

message. All right. Hey, yo, these nuts

message. All right. Hey, yo, these nuts don't run.

don't run.

don't run. >> I'm not taking a bite. I

>> I'm not taking a bite. I

>> I'm not taking a bite. I >> I just killed 10 million brain cells for

>> I just killed 10 million brain cells for

>> I just killed 10 million brain cells for America. Take a bite. No, I don't want

America. Take a bite. No, I don't want

America. Take a bite. No, I don't want to take a bite. Okay.

to take a bite. Okay.

to take a bite. Okay. >> I mean, Jordan, the other guys are

>> I mean, Jordan, the other guys are

>> I mean, Jordan, the other guys are making the Ayatollah take things from

making the Ayatollah take things from

making the Ayatollah take things from their mouth.

>> Does feel like you might not be as

>> Does feel like you might not be as

>> Does feel like you might not be as patriotic. I

patriotic. I

patriotic. I >> I I don't know what putting these things

>> I I don't know what putting these things

>> I I don't know what putting these things in our mouths proves, John.

in our mouths proves, John.

in our mouths proves, John. >> Yeah, it proves that we have the resolve

>> Yeah, it proves that we have the resolve

>> Yeah, it proves that we have the resolve to do what we have to. We die for the

to do what we have to. We die for the

to do what we have to. We die for the cause.

cause.

cause. THEY HAD LUXURY FOODS AND PARTY

THEY HAD LUXURY FOODS AND PARTY

THEY HAD LUXURY FOODS AND PARTY BALLOONS. THIS IS LITERALLY PROCESSED

BALLOONS. THIS IS LITERALLY PROCESSED

BALLOONS. THIS IS LITERALLY PROCESSED [\h__\h]

[\h__\h]

[\h__\h] I mean, THIS THIS TRAIN IS DISRUPTING

I mean, THIS THIS TRAIN IS DISRUPTING

I mean, THIS THIS TRAIN IS DISRUPTING BAKLAVA. CAN I HAVE BAKLAVA? LET ME DO

BAKLAVA. CAN I HAVE BAKLAVA? LET ME DO

BAKLAVA. CAN I HAVE BAKLAVA? LET ME DO BAKLAVA.

BAKLAVA.

BAKLAVA. >> JUST EAT IT, YOU BABY.

>> JUST EAT IT, YOU BABY.

>> JUST EAT IT, YOU BABY. >> NO, I DON'T WANT TO EAT IT.

>> NO, I DON'T WANT TO EAT IT.

>> NO, I DON'T WANT TO EAT IT. >> IF YOU DON'T, Iran wins.

>> IF YOU DON'T, Iran wins.

>> IF YOU DON'T, Iran wins. >> Yeah.

>> Yeah.

>> Yeah. >> Yeah.

>> You want Iran to win or Donald Trump?

>> You want Iran to win or Donald Trump?

>> You want Iran to win or Donald Trump? >> ARE THOSE MY ONLY CHOICES?

>> ARE THOSE MY ONLY CHOICES?

>> ARE THOSE MY ONLY CHOICES? NO, NO, NO.

NO, NO, NO.

NO, NO, NO. OKAY, OKAY, OKAY.

>> WHAT HAPPENED THERE? WHAT HAPPENED? COME

>> WHAT HAPPENED THERE? WHAT HAPPENED? COME

>> WHAT HAPPENED THERE? WHAT HAPPENED? COME AND GIVE IT A RIDE. TAKE THAT [\h__\h] OUT

AND GIVE IT A RIDE. TAKE THAT [\h__\h] OUT

AND GIVE IT A RIDE. TAKE THAT [\h__\h] OUT OF MY MOUTH.

>> DISGUSTING.

>> DISGUSTING.

>> DISGUSTING. >> YOU KNOW WHAT? YOU KNOW WHAT? IN A WAY,

>> YOU KNOW WHAT? YOU KNOW WHAT? IN A WAY,

>> YOU KNOW WHAT? YOU KNOW WHAT? IN A WAY, THIS IS A METAPHOR BECAUSE AS AMERICANS,

THIS IS A METAPHOR BECAUSE AS AMERICANS,

THIS IS A METAPHOR BECAUSE AS AMERICANS, IN THIS QUAGMIRE WITH NO END IN SIGHT,

IN THIS QUAGMIRE WITH NO END IN SIGHT,

IN THIS QUAGMIRE WITH NO END IN SIGHT, WE ARE ALL eating [\h__\h]

>> Yeah, but you did it for real.

>> Yeah, but you did it for real.

>> Yeah, but you did it for real. >> Disgusting.

>> Disgusting.

>> Disgusting. >> Thank you guys. Ronnie Chang, MICHAEL

>> Thank you guys. Ronnie Chang, MICHAEL

>> Thank you guys. Ronnie Chang, MICHAEL COSTA, AND JORDAN CLAPPER. EVERYBODY,

COSTA, AND JORDAN CLAPPER. EVERYBODY,

COSTA, AND JORDAN CLAPPER. EVERYBODY, good report.

good report.

good report. Now, meanwhile,

Now, meanwhile,

Now, meanwhile, and I thank them all three for that that

and I thank them all three for that that

and I thank them all three for that that brave reporting that they've done.

brave reporting that they've done.

brave reporting that they've done. Meanwhile, back on the home front this

Meanwhile, back on the home front this

Meanwhile, back on the home front this weekend offered stark images

weekend offered stark images

weekend offered stark images articulating our nation's deep political

articulating our nation's deep political

articulating our nation's deep political divide as 8 to n million people took to

divide as 8 to n million people took to

divide as 8 to n million people took to the streets for the no king's protest.

the streets for the no king's protest.

the streets for the no king's protest. Yeah, they did it. While

Yeah, they did it. While

Yeah, they did it. While a slightly smaller group of, let's call

a slightly smaller group of, let's call

a slightly smaller group of, let's call them heritage Americans took to the

them heritage Americans took to the

them heritage Americans took to the Reagan meeting room 1A on the second

Reagan meeting room 1A on the second

Reagan meeting room 1A on the second floor for their Yasings rally.

floor for their Yasings rally.

floor for their Yasings rally. >> If you want an object lesson on what a

>> If you want an object lesson on what a

>> If you want an object lesson on what a strong commander-in-chief looks like,

strong commander-in-chief looks like,

strong commander-in-chief looks like, take a look at the current president of

take a look at the current president of

take a look at the current president of the Oval Office, President Donald J.

the Oval Office, President Donald J.

the Oval Office, President Donald J. Trump.

Trump.

Trump. >> What he's been able to do in one year is

>> What he's been able to do in one year is

>> What he's been able to do in one year is truly remarkable.

truly remarkable.

truly remarkable. >> Great president, greatest president of

>> Great president, greatest president of

>> Great president, greatest president of my lifetime. That guy is a Energizer

my lifetime. That guy is a Energizer

my lifetime. That guy is a Energizer Bunny.

Bunny.

Bunny. >> We'll never get another president like

>> We'll never get another president like

>> We'll never get another president like Donald Trump. Never. And that's why it's

Donald Trump. Never. And that's why it's

Donald Trump. Never. And that's why it's important that we do everything that we

important that we do everything that we

important that we do everything that we can to try to get him reelected.

>> I'm sorry. That's Reverend Franklin

>> I'm sorry. That's Reverend Franklin

>> I'm sorry. That's Reverend Franklin Graham saying, "PRAISE THE LORD and the

Graham saying, "PRAISE THE LORD and the

Graham saying, "PRAISE THE LORD and the Constitution."

Constitution."

Constitution." Now, look,

Now, look,

Now, look, far be it for me to question the wisdom

far be it for me to question the wisdom

far be it for me to question the wisdom of this year's CPAC convention, but

of this year's CPAC convention, but

of this year's CPAC convention, but clearly the vibes this year were

clearly the vibes this year were

clearly the vibes this year were slightly off. How many of you would like

slightly off. How many of you would like

slightly off. How many of you would like to see impeachment hearings?

to see impeachment hearings?

to see impeachment hearings? >> No, that was the wrong answer.

>> That's

That's a ROOKIE CROWDWORK MISTAKES LAP.

That's a ROOKIE CROWDWORK MISTAKES LAP.

That's a ROOKIE CROWDWORK MISTAKES LAP. SEE, THEY CHEERED for Trump's

SEE, THEY CHEERED for Trump's

SEE, THEY CHEERED for Trump's impeachment, not realizing that you were

impeachment, not realizing that you were

impeachment, not realizing that you were calling for the counter. But that's on

calling for the counter. But that's on

calling for the counter. But that's on you. CROWDS ARE LIKE DOGS. THEY REACT TO

you. CROWDS ARE LIKE DOGS. THEY REACT TO

you. CROWDS ARE LIKE DOGS. THEY REACT TO TONE. YOU CAN GET THEM EXCITED ABOUT

TONE. YOU CAN GET THEM EXCITED ABOUT

TONE. YOU CAN GET THEM EXCITED ABOUT ANYTHING. WHO WANTS TO GO TO THE VET?

ANYTHING. WHO WANTS TO GO TO THE VET?

ANYTHING. WHO WANTS TO GO TO THE VET? WHO WANTS TO GET THEIR BALLS cut off?

See, in Trump land, old Donald didn't

See, in Trump land, old Donald didn't

See, in Trump land, old Donald didn't let something as trivial as a war keep

let something as trivial as a war keep

let something as trivial as a war keep him from doing his rounds at the golf

him from doing his rounds at the golf

him from doing his rounds at the golf course and at a Saudi investment meeting

course and at a Saudi investment meeting

course and at a Saudi investment meeting in Miami. because God forbid during a

in Miami. because God forbid during a

in Miami. because God forbid during a war he let the precipice of World War II

war he let the precipice of World War II

war he let the precipice of World War II yuck his yum in any way. That was

yuck his yum in any way. That was

yuck his yum in any way. That was Trump's weekend. And I find it so

Trump's weekend. And I find it so

Trump's weekend. And I find it so astounding that this nuclear armed man

astounding that this nuclear armed man

astounding that this nuclear armed man baby doesn't seem to have any

baby doesn't seem to have any

baby doesn't seem to have any understanding of the confusion and

understanding of the confusion and

understanding of the confusion and anxiety that his illplanned adventure in

anxiety that his illplanned adventure in

anxiety that his illplanned adventure in Iran is causing this country. He's just

Iran is causing this country. He's just

Iran is causing this country. He's just trucking along like it's any old episode

trucking along like it's any old episode

trucking along like it's any old episode of The Apprentice. Here is Trump last

of The Apprentice. Here is Trump last

of The Apprentice. Here is Trump last night on Air Force One. Watch him try

night on Air Force One. Watch him try

night on Air Force One. Watch him try and focus for more than two sentences on

and focus for more than two sentences on

and focus for more than two sentences on the war he started before veering off

the war he started before veering off

the war he started before veering off into what really matters.

into what really matters.

into what really matters. >> It truly is regime change.

>> It truly is regime change.

>> It truly is regime change. And regime change is an imperative, but

And regime change is an imperative, but

And regime change is an imperative, but I think we have it automatically. Uh I

I think we have it automatically. Uh I

I think we have it automatically. Uh I did something today. I uh we just got

did something today. I uh we just got

did something today. I uh we just got these in from the architects. A lot of

these in from the architects. A lot of

these in from the architects. A lot of people are talking about how beautiful

people are talking about how beautiful

people are talking about how beautiful the ballroom for 150 years. They've

the ballroom for 150 years. They've

the ballroom for 150 years. They've wanted to build a ballroom at the White

wanted to build a ballroom at the White

wanted to build a ballroom at the White House. Here's another view. This is

House. Here's another view. This is

House. Here's another view. This is coming from right opposite the Treasury

coming from right opposite the Treasury

coming from right opposite the Treasury building. Here's a view on the south

building. Here's a view on the south

building. Here's a view on the south with the porch. This is a a view of it

with the porch. This is a a view of it

with the porch. This is a a view of it from the north. And there'll be

from the north. And there'll be

from the north. And there'll be Corinthian which is considered the best,

Corinthian which is considered the best,

Corinthian which is considered the best, most beautiful by far.

Now, I know I know what you're thinking.

Now, I know I know what you're thinking.

Now, I know I know what you're thinking. How do you get something that size on a

How do you get something that size on a

How do you get something that size on a plane?

But I guess he he's he's allowed. It's

But I guess he he's he's allowed. It's

But I guess he he's he's allowed. It's his emotional support ballroom picture.

his emotional support ballroom picture.

his emotional support ballroom picture. Now, you may say, "Well, what prompted

Now, you may say, "Well, what prompted

Now, you may say, "Well, what prompted this presentation about the ballroom?"

this presentation about the ballroom?"

this presentation about the ballroom?" Well, it turns out this incredibly

Well, it turns out this incredibly

Well, it turns out this incredibly long-winded visual aid assisted

long-winded visual aid assisted

long-winded visual aid assisted timeshare presentation was spurred by a

timeshare presentation was spurred by a

timeshare presentation was spurred by a critical New York Times article that had

critical New York Times article that had

critical New York Times article that had the gall to suggest that sometimes

the gall to suggest that sometimes

the gall to suggest that sometimes Trump's plans don't hold up to scrutiny.

Trump's plans don't hold up to scrutiny.

Trump's plans don't hold up to scrutiny. >> The Times had architects analyze plans

>> The Times had architects analyze plans

>> The Times had architects analyze plans for the ballroom. They pointed out

for the ballroom. They pointed out

for the ballroom. They pointed out design flaws like staircases that seem

design flaws like staircases that seem

design flaws like staircases that seem to lead nowhere.

>> Oh, okay. Woke New York Times.

>> Oh, okay. Woke New York Times.

>> Oh, okay. Woke New York Times. When MC Cher does that, it's art.

Oh, but you put it on an actual building

Oh, but you put it on an actual building

Oh, but you put it on an actual building and suddenly it's THIS DOESN'T MAKE ANY

and suddenly it's THIS DOESN'T MAKE ANY

and suddenly it's THIS DOESN'T MAKE ANY SENSE

SENSE

SENSE and I appear to be trapped.

For the ballroom, Trump will pull an

For the ballroom, Trump will pull an

For the ballroom, Trump will pull an allnighter for a pointby-point rebuttal

allnighter for a pointby-point rebuttal

allnighter for a pointby-point rebuttal for the war. literally doesn't have the

for the war. literally doesn't have the

for the war. literally doesn't have the focus to answer one question about the

focus to answer one question about the

focus to answer one question about the dire consequences of his actions on his

dire consequences of his actions on his

dire consequences of his actions on his favorite network.

favorite network.

favorite network. >> I think it is alarming that we have not

>> I think it is alarming that we have not

>> I think it is alarming that we have not been able to see or hear from any of the

been able to see or hear from any of the

been able to see or hear from any of the Iranian people and I think there is some

Iranian people and I think there is some

Iranian people and I think there is some general worry about them. Do you have

general worry about them. Do you have

general worry about them. Do you have any insight as to how they are doing? Do

any insight as to how they are doing? Do

any insight as to how they are doing? Do they have drinking water? Do they have

they have drinking water? Do they have

they have drinking water? Do they have food?

food?

food? >> Wow, straightforward question.

>> Wow, straightforward question.

>> Wow, straightforward question. It asked the president to put himself in

It asked the president to put himself in

It asked the president to put himself in the shoes of those purportedly we're

the shoes of those purportedly we're

the shoes of those purportedly we're trying to liberate and the suffering

trying to liberate and the suffering

trying to liberate and the suffering they may be going through.

they may be going through.

they may be going through. The Iranian people are hurting. Sir,

The Iranian people are hurting. Sir,

The Iranian people are hurting. Sir, >> do they have food? I It's

>> do they have food? I It's

>> do they have food? I It's >> right. I do.

>> right. I do.

>> right. I do. >> It's upsetting.

>> It's upsetting.

>> It's upsetting. >> I do. But first, you remember when we

>> I do. But first, you remember when we

>> I do. But first, you remember when we had lunch years ago in the base of Trump

had lunch years ago in the base of Trump

had lunch years ago in the base of Trump Tower when it was a brand new building?

So the point is the Iranians might not

So the point is the Iranians might not

So the point is the Iranians might not have food, but you remember you and I

have food, but you remember you and I

have food, but you remember you and I about 12, 13 years ago.

about 12, 13 years ago.

about 12, 13 years ago. >> Had a club sandwich. Remember that?

>> Had a club sandwich. Remember that?

>> Had a club sandwich. Remember that? >> A long time ago. Yes.

>> A long time ago. Yes.

>> A long time ago. Yes. >> Long time ago. And you haven't changed.

>> Long time ago. And you haven't changed.

>> Long time ago. And you haven't changed. You have not changed. Now I'm not

You have not changed. Now I'm not

You have not changed. Now I'm not allowed to say this. It's the end of my

allowed to say this. It's the end of my

allowed to say this. It's the end of my political career, but you may be even

political career, but you may be even

political career, but you may be even better looking. Okay? So I don't know

better looking. Okay? So I don't know

better looking. Okay? So I don't know what you're doing.

what you're doing.

what you're doing. >> But I will not say that. Makeup has a

>> But I will not say that. Makeup has a

>> But I will not say that. Makeup has a lot.

lot.

lot. >> I will not say that because that will

>> I will not say that because that will

>> I will not say that because that will end my political career. You know,

end my political career. You know,

end my political career. You know, you're not allowed to say a woman's

you're not allowed to say a woman's

you're not allowed to say a woman's beautiful anymore.

beautiful anymore.

beautiful anymore. >> You know, it's funny, Dana. Your your

>> You know, it's funny, Dana. Your your

>> You know, it's funny, Dana. Your your question about the the suffering of the

question about the the suffering of the

question about the the suffering of the Iranian people has somehow made me

Iranian people has somehow made me

Iranian people has somehow made me horny. I don't know why.

horny. I don't know why.

horny. I don't know why. I just You ask me, do they have food? Do

I just You ask me, do they have food? Do

I just You ask me, do they have food? Do they have water? And the whole time I'm

they have water? And the whole time I'm

they have water? And the whole time I'm thinking like, what a piece of ass.

thinking like, what a piece of ass.

thinking like, what a piece of ass. What a delightful piece of ass you are.

What a delightful piece of ass you are.

What a delightful piece of ass you are. You remember that, Dana? Remember how I

You remember that, Dana? Remember how I

You remember that, Dana? Remember how I made you uncomfortable at lunch?

made you uncomfortable at lunch?

made you uncomfortable at lunch? You remember? I do that. I do that a lot

You remember? I do that. I do that a lot

You remember? I do that. I do that a lot to women. I make them uncomfortable.

to women. I make them uncomfortable.

to women. I make them uncomfortable. What was your question? I don't remember

What was your question? I don't remember

What was your question? I don't remember your question.

your question.

your question. The war, other than the occasional

The war, other than the occasional

The war, other than the occasional tweet, doesn't seem to occupy any space

tweet, doesn't seem to occupy any space

tweet, doesn't seem to occupy any space in Trump's brain. And by the way, not

in Trump's brain. And by the way, not

in Trump's brain. And by the way, not just for TV. On Friday, he addressed a

just for TV. On Friday, he addressed a

just for TV. On Friday, he addressed a room full of Saudi investors who you

room full of Saudi investors who you

room full of Saudi investors who you would think might be very concerned

would think might be very concerned

would think might be very concerned about the bombings in their

about the bombings in their

about the bombings in their neighborhood, but he wants to let them

neighborhood, but he wants to let them

neighborhood, but he wants to let them know we didn't have to talk about that

know we didn't have to talk about that

know we didn't have to talk about that at all. I'm asked to take a few

at all. I'm asked to take a few

at all. I'm asked to take a few questions and unlike other politicians,

questions and unlike other politicians,

questions and unlike other politicians, they would like the questions screened.

they would like the questions screened.

they would like the questions screened. I don't ask for screening of the

I don't ask for screening of the

I don't ask for screening of the questions. You can ask me anything you

questions. You can ask me anything you

questions. You can ask me anything you want. You can talk sex. You can whatever

want. You can talk sex. You can whatever

want. You can talk sex. You can whatever the hell you want.

We we can ask about sex.

>> Who name is that? Is that YOUR [\h__\h]

>> Who name is that? Is that YOUR [\h__\h]

>> Who name is that? Is that YOUR [\h__\h] NAME? WHOSE NAME IS THAT?

NAME? WHOSE NAME IS THAT?

NAME? WHOSE NAME IS THAT? WHO? OH, you meant like general sex

WHO? OH, you meant like general sex

WHO? OH, you meant like general sex [\h__\h] like love line [\h__\h]

[\h__\h] like love line [\h__\h]

[\h__\h] like love line [\h__\h] saw.

You know, honestly, his learing behavior

You know, honestly, his learing behavior

You know, honestly, his learing behavior is less commander-in-chief at war and

is less commander-in-chief at war and

is less commander-in-chief at war and more grandpa who's lost his filter in

more grandpa who's lost his filter in

more grandpa who's lost his filter in public. Instead of assuaging a nervous

public. Instead of assuaging a nervous

public. Instead of assuaging a nervous nation, he's just embarrassing the whole

nation, he's just embarrassing the whole

nation, he's just embarrassing the whole family at dinner going, "Hey, do you see

family at dinner going, "Hey, do you see

family at dinner going, "Hey, do you see our waitress is a busty one, huh?"

Just like your grandma was.

But like any good monarchy,

But like any good monarchy,

But like any good monarchy, Trump's loyal henchmen assure you that

Trump's loyal henchmen assure you that

Trump's loyal henchmen assure you that it's really the opposite of everything

it's really the opposite of everything

it's really the opposite of everything you're seeing.

you're seeing.

you're seeing. >> He has encyclopedic

>> He has encyclopedic

>> He has encyclopedic molecular knowledge. I was on the

molecular knowledge. I was on the

molecular knowledge. I was on the airplane with him and we were sitting

airplane with him and we were sitting

airplane with him and we were sitting across the table from each other. We

across the table from each other. We

across the table from each other. We started talking about Syria

started talking about Syria

started talking about Syria and he got a a a place mat and he turned

and he got a a a place mat and he turned

and he got a a a place mat and he turned it on its back and then he took a

it on its back and then he took a

it on its back and then he took a Sharpie and he drew a perfect map of the

Sharpie and he drew a perfect map of the

Sharpie and he drew a perfect map of the M East and then he put the troop

M East and then he put the troop

M East and then he put the troop strength of every

strength of every

strength of every country on every border on that map.

>> Has anyone thought about filming that?

>> Has anyone thought about filming that?

>> Has anyone thought about filming that? Let us see that because that's not what

Let us see that because that's not what

Let us see that because that's not what we see. What we see is a president four

we see. What we see is a president four

we see. What we see is a president four weeks into a war he has yet to fully

weeks into a war he has yet to fully

weeks into a war he has yet to fully explain with objectives he has yet to

explain with objectives he has yet to

explain with objectives he has yet to fully define only displaying molecular

fully define only displaying molecular

fully define only displaying molecular knowledge in a cabinet meeting of his

knowledge in a cabinet meeting of his

knowledge in a cabinet meeting of his own pen preferences. So I came here they

own pen preferences. So I came here they

own pen preferences. So I came here they have thousand pens and you know you hand

have thousand pens and you know you hand

have thousand pens and you know you hand pens out you're signing and you're

pens out you're signing and you're

pens out you're signing and you're handing them out. You're handing them

handing them out. You're handing them

handing them out. You're handing them all these people sometime pen point

all these people sometime pen point

all these people sometime pen point thousand who's gold silver handing out

thousand who's gold silver handing out

thousand who's gold silver handing out to kids that don't even know what they

to kids that don't even know what they

to kids that don't even know what they what is this mommy? So I take it out and

what is this mommy? So I take it out and

what is this mommy? So I take it out and I sign it and there's no ink and I got

I sign it and there's no ink and I got

I sign it and there's no ink and I got all you people looking and you say there

all you people looking and you say there

all you people looking and you say there must be something wrong with pen right

must be something wrong with pen right

must be something wrong with pen right here. This pen is an interesting exam.

here. This pen is an interesting exam.

here. This pen is an interesting exam. It's the same thing. This one I called

It's the same thing. This one I called

It's the same thing. This one I called the guy. I said I'd like to use your pen

the guy. I said I'd like to use your pen

the guy. I said I'd like to use your pen but I can't have a gray thing with a big

but I can't have a gray thing with a big

but I can't have a gray thing with a big S on it saying Sharpie. He said well I

S on it saying Sharpie. He said well I

S on it saying Sharpie. He said well I can make a nicer. I said what can you

can make a nicer. I said what can you

can make a nicer. I said what can you do? He said I'll paint it black sir if

do? He said I'll paint it black sir if

do? He said I'll paint it black sir if you like in gold

you like in gold

you like in gold almost real gold.

That's a cabinet meeting during a

That's a cabinet meeting during a

That's a cabinet meeting during a [\h__\h] war. Don't tell us what to use

[\h__\h] war. Don't tell us what to use

[\h__\h] war. Don't tell us what to use to draw THE MAP. JUST DRAW THE MAP.

to draw THE MAP. JUST DRAW THE MAP.

to draw THE MAP. JUST DRAW THE MAP. You know, all we keep hearing from this

You know, all we keep hearing from this

You know, all we keep hearing from this administration is why THE AMERICAN

administration is why THE AMERICAN

administration is why THE AMERICAN PEOPLE HAVE TO sacrifice for Trump's

PEOPLE HAVE TO sacrifice for Trump's

PEOPLE HAVE TO sacrifice for Trump's vision of America's greatness. That

vision of America's greatness. That

vision of America's greatness. That these temporary disruptions are just

these temporary disruptions are just

these temporary disruptions are just part of the process. And why can't we be

part of the process. And why can't we be

part of the process. And why can't we be patriots? We have to be patient. We have

patriots? We have to be patient. We have

patriots? We have to be patient. We have to suck it up. Whether it's high gas

to suck it up. Whether it's high gas

to suck it up. Whether it's high gas prices or whimsical tariff inflation or

prices or whimsical tariff inflation or

prices or whimsical tariff inflation or draconian ICE rates or temporary Bill of

draconian ICE rates or temporary Bill of

draconian ICE rates or temporary Bill of Rights suspensions, it's on us to

Rights suspensions, it's on us to

Rights suspensions, it's on us to understand.

understand.

understand. But Trump gets to be just the same old

But Trump gets to be just the same old

But Trump gets to be just the same old ain't I a stinker? Utterly

ain't I a stinker? Utterly

ain't I a stinker? Utterly self-absorbed. Remember when I used to

self-absorbed. Remember when I used to

self-absorbed. Remember when I used to want to hot girl's [\h__\h] self? Can you

want to hot girl's [\h__\h] self? Can you

want to hot girl's [\h__\h] self? Can you imagine any other president, let alone a

imagine any other president, let alone a

imagine any other president, let alone a wartime president, being thising

wartime president, being thising

wartime president, being thising indulgent? And they were $1,000 a piece.

indulgent? And they were $1,000 a piece.

indulgent? And they were $1,000 a piece. Beautiful pen. ballpoint

Beautiful pen. ballpoint

Beautiful pen. ballpoint thousand. It was gold, silver, gorgeous.

thousand. It was gold, silver, gorgeous.

thousand. It was gold, silver, gorgeous. But I'm handing out to kids that don't

But I'm handing out to kids that don't

But I'm handing out to kids that don't even know what the hell. What is this,

even know what the hell. What is this,

even know what the hell. What is this, mommy? This these kids, they're getting

mommy? This these kids, they're getting

mommy? This these kids, they're getting a pen for $1,000. They have no idea what

a pen for $1,000. They have no idea what

a pen for $1,000. They have no idea what it is.

Now, to be fair to Trump, pen technology

Now, to be fair to Trump, pen technology

Now, to be fair to Trump, pen technology was at FDR's time quite primitive.

was at FDR's time quite primitive.

was at FDR's time quite primitive. But Trump is the guy you want to be your

But Trump is the guy you want to be your

But Trump is the guy you want to be your king. That's who you want. It's

king. That's who you want. It's

king. That's who you want. It's important that we do everything that we

important that we do everything that we

important that we do everything that we can to try to get him reelected.

can to try to get him reelected.

can to try to get him reelected. >> Really,

>> Really,

>> Really, this is the guy you'll break the

this is the guy you'll break the

this is the guy you'll break the Constitution for. The American monarchy

Constitution for. The American monarchy

Constitution for. The American monarchy begins with this guy.

begins with this guy.

begins with this guy. And this is the line we face in this

And this is the line we face in this

And this is the line we face in this country. No kings versus kings.

country. No kings versus kings.

country. No kings versus kings. But a word of caution.

But a word of caution.

But a word of caution. Generally with monarchies,

Generally with monarchies,

Generally with monarchies, the first guy is the best guy. It's the

the first guy is the best guy. It's the

the first guy is the best guy. It's the guy that's so good it makes the people

guy that's so good it makes the people

guy that's so good it makes the people want a king,

want a king,

want a king, a Charlemagne,

a Charlemagne,

a Charlemagne, an Alexander,

an Alexander,

an Alexander, a Ralph.

But pretty soon, corruption and

But pretty soon, corruption and

But pretty soon, corruption and inbreeding take their toll on the

inbreeding take their toll on the

inbreeding take their toll on the monarchy and turn your king into this

monarchy and turn your king into this

monarchy and turn your king into this guy.

guy.

guy. Old Charles II.

Old Charles II.

Old Charles II. Yeah, that's his real head.

He liked cheese.

He liked cheese.

He liked cheese. It was his favorite food.

It was his favorite food.

It was his favorite food. So, go ahead. But just understand,

So, go ahead. But just understand,

So, go ahead. But just understand, we're starting a lot closer to Charles

we're starting a lot closer to Charles

we're starting a lot closer to Charles than Charlemagne.