Original subtitles

All right. You passed.

-Yes. [chuckles] -Congrats, Howard.

Uh, ac... Yeah, actually, it's Howie.

Like "How we doing?"

-Oh. -Minus the "doing."

-Got it. -Mm-hmm.

Well, now that you are licensed in California,

you can drive your clients all over town.

Oh, that is such great news. Isn't that right?

How long have you been, uh,

rescuing these sweet angels?

Six years human, 42 canine.

-Hmm. -That's a joke.

-[chuckles] Yeah. -Yeah. Yeah.

Actually, they rescue me.

[laughs]

That wasn't a joke.

No, no, yeah. I used to foster

until my landlord instituted

-a "no pets" policy. Jerk. -Ugh.

I wish there were more people like you.

Some of these little guys will just never really find homes.

Like little Gilbert here.

Nobody will take him, and I just, I don't know

how much longer I can keep him, so...

-That breaks my heart. -Mm-hmm.

[baby talk]: Who wouldn't want this "widdle" guy?

Don't talk like a baby to him. He's six.

[clearly]: Who wouldn't want this little guy?

-Better. -Thank you.

-[dog barks] -Marla.

Not in front of company. [chuckles]

-[loud bark] -Marla!

? ?

[barking]

[sighs]

[sighs]

GREGG: I know. Your 12-year-old

neighbor moved to Alhambra.

Well, now I have to play video games and throw stuff

into the community pool all by myself.

Why do you throw stuff in your own pool?

You sound just like Henry's mom.

-[sighs] -I-I'm sorry about Henry.

I-I can't right now.

[exhales] Greggy, have you ever met

an animal so adorable...

I am not adopting a dog. I'm a cat guy.

You know Weezy.

I know Weezy, but I just met

the sweetest little Jack Russell.

Gilbert. He can roll over.

Oh, that's nice. Weezy can read.

Well, someone in this office must need a new friend.

Well, what about Vic?

What, Vic? Who went to the San Diego Zoo

to see "a Yoda"?

He's high-energy, he's very playful

and his best friend just moved away.

Uh, no offense, Greggles, but taking care of a dog

is a much bigger responsibility than taking care of a cat.

Okay, here we go.

All they do is just sit and stare at you

and cough stuff up.

Who am I?

[stifled retching]

[choking sounds, hisses]

It's a cat. It's Weezy.

Yeah, well, dogs just like to lick their private parts.

Who am I? "Oh, I'm a dog,

my testicles are out."

[rapid grunting]

Paula.

Do you want to adopt a dog?

You driving examiners are sick.

-Morning. -Good morning.

[grunts] Thank you, fine gentlemen.

-Oh! God. -Okay.

Oh, Hall & Oates.

I'm still getting used to this thing.

-Okay. You okay? -[sniffles]

Yeah, my head absorbed most of it.

NOA: Okay. Well, I'm gonna go get you some ice.

Yeah, my head absorbed most of it.

What's with the wheels, Barb?

My doctor's a little worried about the healing process.

She wants me to take it easy.

All right, I can't take this anymore. [groans]

You are driving me crazy with this.

Just tell me what I owe you

so I can make things right, okay?

What is it, huh? You want another makeover?

-How much? -What?

-What do you mean? -You busted your foot

breaking that photo machine to save my job,

and now come in and out of here every single day

with you lording it over me with that boot.

Uh, the boot is so my navicular bone won't shatter to dust.

There you go again. No, no. I want out.

I want out. I'm done.

Uh, what can I do to just make it right? Please.

Ceci, I don't have time for your weird moral code today.

The consultants did an audit on our average processing time,

and we have a slow window.

-Wait. -Mm.

I can help you with that.

[laughs] Hello.

I have the fastest counter time in all of the branch.

Who's the slowpoke?

[low]: Noa.

You mean "Slow-a"?

This is perfect. I'll speed up the Kiwi

and my debt to you will finally be repaid.

Ceci, there is no debt. It's all in your head.

Mm, mm, mm, mm. My madrinatried to play

those same little mind games with me.

She got me a gift, I got her a thank-you note.

She got me a thank-you note

for the thank-you note.

We went back and forth like this every single day

until she took her last breath.

Then, I finally slid in

a final thank-you note into her coffin.

Good for you?

So I thought.

Then she thanked me in her will.

Well played, Carmela Maria.

Gosh, I'll never live that one down.

Vic, did you get the email I sent?

Henry in 14C used to send me emails.

Just check.

Okay.

Who's this stud?

Ooh! Ooh, let me see.

Gregg, we talked about this.

A D-O-G is a big responsibility.

It doesn't hurt the boy to look.

"Meet Gilbert. Six years old,

found on the side of the freeway"- love that-

"good with kids"- don't care-

"high energy"- oh, yeah-

"hypoall...

"hypo, hyper allergenot...

genetic"?

-Ah, sure. -GREGG: Look at him.

Reading for pleasure.

"If you're looking for a spunky companion,

Gilbert's your guy."

I am looking for a spunky companion.

Wait.

I can actually get this dog?

I don't know. Can he, Colette?

Vic, a dog's a really big commitment.

It's not a handlebar mustache

you swear is your new signature look.

I love him.

[Colette sighs]

I guess it can't hurt for you to meet.

Yes.

We're gonna throw so much stuff in the pool together.

[chuckles]

CECI: Oh, Barb.

This is worse than I thought.

I thought Noa was just incompetent,

or maybe he couldn't even read.

Worse than being illiterate?

Look at that customer's body language.

Playing with her hair,

running her fingers along the counter,

laughing out loud at an okay-at-best joke.

Of course. Which means that, uh...

She's flirting with him.

You know what flirting is, right?

Of course I know what "flirching" is.

Customers are window-shopping.

They prefer Noa over, say, Paranoid Paula.

-[clears throat] -Was that a cough?

Are you sick?

Oh, God. Noa has HPV.

Barb, I don't think you're supposed to disclose that.

HPV. Hot Person Vibes.

Right.

I keep forgetting that people consider Noa hot.

I mean, he's obviously a five.

So tall and earnest. Ugh.

Okay, I'll go tell Noa to be less hot.

Uh-uh! And sabotage my efforts at paying you back?

I don't think so, Barb.

Also, he's, like, your employee.

That would be, like, hottist.

What, are you gonna go up to an ugly employee

and talk to them about their ugliness?

-Never. -Okay. Exactly. So...

As a fellow human experiencing hotness,

I will speak to him, hot to hot.

Tomorrow. I don't stay past 5:00.

Backing up!

[imitates beeping]

So, I got this sick rhinestone collar,

some beef jerky for us to "Lady and the Tramp,"

-this squeezy boy. -[toy squeaking]

-Very prepared. Good job, Vic. -Good boy, Vicky.

I also got something for Weezy.

-[Gregg gasps] -COLETTE: Great. Now you can be

holding something when she decides not to play with you.

VIC: But best of all,

I got us matching bandanas.

HOWIE: Ding-dong.

Ooh. Howie, hi.

So, this is Vic.

H... Where's-where's my boy?

Where's-where's Gilbert?

HOWIE: Did you think you would just

decide to adopt a dog and fill out some forms

and then I would bring you a dog?

I didn't even think it would be that complicated.

There's actually a very thorough vetting process.

My-my bandanas...

Call them what they are: choke-danas.

Do you know that almost five dogs every year asphyxiate

from bandana and other hilarious neckwear?

-COLETTE: Howie. -Mm-hmm.

Wowie. Uh, being thorough is great and all,

but this feels a little extreme.

Uh, let me see. Is it extreme

when people say that they want a dog

but then you find out they were just bored during a pandemic

or they want to practice for having a baby

or they found a dog costume at a yard sale?

-Doggone it. -Is an expression

we are really not using anymore.

Wow. So insensitive

to gone dogs.

I didn't know it would be this hard

to adopt a needy dog.

I know what the issue is. Dog people.

In terms of your housing situation...

...do you rent or own?

Uh, rent.

Please let me finish.

Because not all leases allow pets.

Oh, that won't be a problem,

'cause my apartment building is dog-friendly.

Have you ever owned a dog before?

-No, but I always... -Okay, you got to stop interrupting me.

Have you ever owned a dog before...

as a child or as an adult?

You can talk now.

I don't have all day.

No, but I always wanted to, growing up.

I moved around from foster home to foster home.

Kind of like Gilbert.

Maybe... maybe that's why I feel so connected to him.

Wow.

Domestic instability,

emotional damage,

equating himself to a canine.

[whispers]: This is unbelievable.

I could understand if it was for a cat, but a dog?

HOWIE: Now, Mr. Tersillo... Am I saying that right?

Mm-hmm.

So, most dog rescues would conduct a home inspection.

You were there last week.

What kind of shape is it in, Gregg?

Imagine if a dorm room and a gym threw up on each other.

But of course, everyone expects that,

so they can prepare, so I don't do those.

Instead...

show me your car.

Oh, God.

What does he call it?

The Buttmobile.

And who is this lovely inflatable lady?

Mariah.

It's so he can, uh, take the carpool lane.

Yeah, it's nothing weird.

Do not take her down the 405 with the top down.

And this is what we call

getting off on the wrong paw.

All right, Noa, I don't like you and you don't like me.

I consider us good friends.

But your APT is way too high.

Customers are taking forever at your window

-because of the way you look. -[scoffs]

'Cause of the-the way I look?

I know. I don't get it either. But how many times a day

does a customer come up to you and say...

[valley girl accent]: "Oh, my God, your accent is so cute.

What time do you get off?"

Occasionally. Yeah.

Daily. Oh, wow. Um...

Uh, hey, as we all know,

L.A. is a kind, welcoming city.

[regular accent]: You obviously have never tried

to cross Alvarado before a Dodgers game.

No. Right... What can I do about my APT?

Okay, so, as a fellow hot, I faced

this same problem when I first started here,

and that's why I invented window face.

Next.

-Ooh. -You see? You just have to be mean

and keep things moving.

Mean, though? No, that's...

I-I don't think that's me.

Well, no, you just have to practice.

Here, let's role-play a scenario. Okay.

-[exhales] All right. Hit me. -You ready?

Hi, sir. Here's my paperwork.

Um, sorry if I seem a little sad.

My, um, my mother fell down a sewer today.

Uh, it was fatal.

I am so sorry.

Noa, are you serious?

-Hello! Remember: mean. -Oh. Mean.

-Mean. -[clears throat]

Be mean. [clears throat]

I... I don't care about your mum.

Noa.

I'm... I don't know where that came from.

-I'm so sorry. -Idiot.

I was testing you. Oh, my God.

Gosh. I'm just not a good teacher.

It's not you, it's me. I'm just trying to figure...

That was another test, right?

-Oh, my God. -I got it.

Okay. [clears throat]

? ?

HOWIE: This car is a death trap.

Chocolate-covered raisins?

Aka dog poison.

VR headset?

That's the electric chair of chew toys.

Costume wig?

That'll set off his prey drive.

[growls]

That's how that would work.

I'll go get the office dustbuster

to clean up the Raisinets.

I've seen enough.

Vic Tersillo...

should not have a dog.

Or a job.

Or a place in polite society.

Vic is one of the DMV's finest.

-Is that a compliment? -Look, he may not be perfect,

but I've worked near the guy almost every day

for I don't know how many years.

Trust me, he won't let Gilbert down.

Sure, yeah, he's a little rough around the edges,

and he applied for the FBI because he genuinely thought

that they were female body inspectors,

but he's a good person.

The answer is no.

[sighs]

Okay, new argument.

So, you're going to decide for Gilbert?

Oh. Yeah.

Yeah. A dog person

is not gonna let Gilbert have a say in this?

Unless you're, I don't know,

-a cat person. -Whoa. Hey.

There's no need for pejoratives.

Fine.

I will let Gilbert meet Vic.

-Thank you. -Great.

Quick one. Do y'all think I look like Mariah?

Hmm. Little bit.

Ugh, charge. Charge, damn it.

Hey. Great news, buddy.

You got you an interview with Gilbert.

Seriously?

I wonder what he's gonna ask me.

I know I was skeptical earlier,

but I think I have a really good feeling

that Gilbert's found his forever home.

Wow. Forever.

Yeah, it's so great. That little guy

has been bouncing around for years,

-and now he's gonna be yours. -[chuckles]

He's gonna depend on you for everything.

-Wow. -GREGG: And if it's anything like being a cat owner,

you two will have an unbreakable bond.

Unless someone has a laser pointer.

GREGG: Okay.

Captain Crunch, Noa's taking even longer.

But he's giving really good window face.

Hey, I'm not interested. Move on.

[groans] I forgot about the double standard.

When I'm hot and mean, people think I have attitude.

When he's hot and mean, it only makes him more appealing.

Damn it. Sexism strikes again.

I thought Madam Secretary got rid of all that.

Well, Cec, thanks for trying.

Aah! Don't you even.

As God as my witness, I will repay my debt to you,

and you will torture me no more.

HOWIE: Fifteen minutes late.

Is this some kind of sick prank?

He probably got held up doing a driving test.

I will text him. Oh, he texted me.

"Not coming. Sorry."

Wow. Typical.

Needless to say, I am very disappointed

and Gilbert is crushed.

Yeah, he looks very affected.

-Boy, oh, boy. -There you are.

You're hiding in your car?

Leave me alone, guys.

This does not concern you, Mariah.

I know you guys are really ticked off with me.

We're not ticked off, but we are disappointed.

Well, I'm ticked off.

I knew I shouldn't have listened to Gregg.

What? And all of a sudden this is my fault?

Well, this wasn't my idea.

Oh, if it was up to you, he wouldn't try anything.

If it was up to you, he would have broken his neck

doing that crash test demonstration.

All of a sudden, we're at the motor safety convention of 2022.

I knew that was a bad idea, I knew this was a bad idea.

-Oh... -Okay, stop.

Stop.

I can't be the only person that Gilbert is relying on.

What if he needs help with his homework?

Or he's the only kid in his class

that doesn't bring in cupcakes on his birthday

because his foster parents never know which day it is?

Gilbert deserves...

...deserves better.

No.

I think you guys deserve each other.

Because I bet a lot of people overlook... Gilbert.

Yeah. 'Cause nobody realized what a great guy he is.

And just because he didn't have

the best upbringing doesn't mean

that he can't provide one for another dog.

So Gilbert's gonna adopt... Gilbert?

The point is...

is that if you are this worried

about being a good dad, you're ahead of the game.

Because bad parents do not worry about being bad parents.

And they certainly don't buy matching bandanas.

You guys really think I could be a good dad to Gilbert?

-We know you could. -Yeah.

You have to get rid of this hatchet.

-Oh, my car axe? -Yeah.

But that's how I quickly settle right-of-way disputes.

CECI: Noa?! Oh.

Noa, I figured it out.

We just have to make you more unappealing.

Oh, no. I haven't worn rainbow suspenders

since my boy band days.

-Mm. -Look, I know

my processing time isn't perfect,

but why is it such a big deal to you?

Because. I owe Barb.

-What do you mean? -She saved my job.

And when someone does something nice for you,

there are always strings attached.

Even if you can't feel 'em, they're always pulling.

My madrinataught me that.

[scoffs] Forget it. You wouldn't understand.

I completely understand.

-Oh, do you? -Seriously, I do.

My family- they're very, um...

very transactional.

Like, even if they do something nice for you,

it comes with all of these, uh...

Unspoken expectations?

-Yeah. -Yeah.

Yeah, exactly.

It's-it's part of why I moved here.

You know? It was always gonna

bother me and so, if I couldn't change who I was,

I guess I had to change where I was.

Shoot. I see it now.

I always thought customers liked you

because of your funny little accent

and your so-so jawline.

Thanks?

You're welcome.

But the problem still remains.

How do we get your APT down if you're so damn likable?

-I don't know. -PAULA: I am entering the break room.

Is anyone using the microwave?

NOA: No.

Oh, Paula.

Thank you.

Tickle my Elmo. Under six minutes.

Twice. How'd you do that?

Well, I couldn't change Noa, so I changed his surroundings.

Psst! Trying to tune out the P.A. system.

It transmits at a frequency

that makes you want to kill the mayor.

-BARB: Freaking genius, Ceci. -CECI: I know.

And now, my debt to you is paid off.

-That's not a thing. -Hmm.

But it sure was nice of Paula to switch windows for you.

Shoot. Now I owe Paula.

Psst! Miss, your immune system is fighting an infection.

[sniffs] I can smell it.

It's not going good.

BARB: Paula?

It's time for your lunch break.

Gilbert, make a poop, and we can go.

One big poop.

Go on. You can do this.

VIC: I wanted to apologize.

I really care for Gilbert,

and I promise never to abandon him.

You already abandoned him before you even got him.

This is not happening.

I understand.

Your standards are high.

Hold on there, dog boy.

We also

have high standards at the DMV.

And if I remember correctly,

you came to a rolling stop

at the intersection of Cole and Waring.

-You already passed me. -I did?

-Where is your license? -You're mailing it to me.

We are?

-Aren't you? -You tell us.

You are.

-We're not. -Hey, unfair.

Very unfair. You are being...

Ridiculously unreasonable?

Circuitous logic?

Do you know where you are?

We work at the DMV.

We invented pointless frustration.

I get it. Okay. We can see

-if Gilbert is even open to that. I just... -[whimpering]

-[barking] -Well... Well, okay. -Ah.

[laughing]: Oh, Gilbert. Mmm.

Mmm. So many kisses.

-The kissy monster. -Okay, fine. It is actually fine.

-We have the same breath. -COLETTE: You're right.

-He was ready. -Yeah, but, you know,

your challenging him made him rise to the occasion.

Which he could only do because you believed in him.

-He's lucky to have us. -He is.

I will love you forever.

This would never happen with a cat.

-What, happiness? -Come on.

-We were doing so good. -Shh.

Let's go meet everybody. Noa, I want you

to meet my main man, Gilbert.

Kia ora. Pleased to meet you, Gil.

Ooh, don't call him Gil.

I mean, how would you like it if I called you "No"?

-I'd-I'd feel indifferent. -Okay.

-And that's Paula. -Oh, great. Now he knows my name.

Why don't you just give him my Social Security number?

Don't pay attention to her.

And this over here is Ceci.

She might be your hot mom one day.

Oh, my God. I like it.

I'm gonna paint your nails.

-Ooh. -Ooh, what color?

Red, to match our bandanas.

Captioning sponsored by CBS

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Captioned by Media Access Group at WGBH access.wgbh.org

Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0