Original subtitles

IN 1976, BOB GUCCIONE, FOUNDER OF PENTHOUSE MAGAZINE

AND ONE OF THE WEALTHIEST MEN IN THE USA,

FINANCED THE MOST EXPENSIVE INDEPENDENT FILM IN HISTORY.

GUCCIONE PROMISED A "NEW KIND OF MOVIE" WHICH WOULD COMBINE SEX AND ART

TO CREATE A POWERFUL PORTRAIT

OF ONE OF HISTORY'S MOST DECADENT FIGURES: CALÍGULA.

SCRIPTED BY LITERARY TITAN GORE VIDAL AND

DIRECTED BY ARTHOUSE FILMMAKER TINTO BRASS,

CALÍGULA FETURED WORLD-RENOWED ACTORS

OF THE BRITISH STAGE,

AND IT WAS ONE OF THE MOST HOTLY ANTICIPATED MOVIES OF THE 70'S.

THE FILM PRODUCTION WAS PLAGUED WITH TROUBLES.

BY THE TIME THE MOVIE WAS FINISHED, THE BUDGET HAD DOUBLED.

THE WRITER HAD SUED TO HAVE HIS NAME REMOVED,

THE DIRECTOR HAD BEEN FORCIBLY EXPELLED,

AND BOTH THE EDITOR AND THE COMPOSER

REFUSED TO BE NAMED IN THE CREDITS.

WHEN CALÍGULA WAS FINALLY RELEASED IN 1980,

AUDIENCES AND THE CAST WERE SHOCKED

TO LEARN THAT THE SCRIPT HAD BEEN DISCARDED

DURING EDITING, AND THAT PORNOGRAPHIC FOOTAGE

FILMED BY GUCCIONE HAD BEEN INTERCUT

WITH THE ORIGINAL MATERIALS.

CRITICS PANNED CALÍGULA AS "SICKENING AND WORTHLESS TRASH"

AND "A MORAL HOLOCAUST".

FILM PRINTS WERE SEIZED BY POLICE,

PEOPLE PICKETED OUTSIDE OF THEATERS,

OBSCENITY TRIAL ENSUED.

YET IT BECAME ONE OF THE TOP GROSSING FILMS OF 1980

AN INTERNATIONAL SPECTACLE WHOSE NOTORIETY PERSISTS TO THIS DAY.

WITH THE SOURCE MATERIALS, LONG THOUGHT DESTROYED,

THE MYTHICAL "ORIGINAL VISION" OF CALÍGULA

HAS BEEN THE STUFF OF LEGEND FOR OVER FOUR DECADES.

THE FILM YOU ARE ABOUT TO WATCH HAS BEEN RECONSTRUCTED

FROM OVER NINETY HOURS OF REDISCOVERD ORIGINAL CAMERA NEGATIVES

AND EXTENSIVELY RESTORED LOCATION AUDIO.

THIS UNPRECEDENTED EDIT IS COMPOSED IN ITS ENTIRETY

OF PREVIOUSLY UNSEEN FOOTAGE

PRESENTING CALIGULA FOR THE FIRST TIME

AS IT WAS PERFORMED IN ROME IN 1976.

ANTIOCH19 AD

CELEBRATED HERO OF GERMANICUS,

GRANDSON OF MARCO ANTONIO, HAS DIED UNDER MYSTERIOUS CIRCUMSTANCES.

HIS SEVEN YEAR-OLD SON, GAIUS,

IS BELOVED BY HIS FATHER'S ARMY AND THE CITIZENS OF ROME.

THE BOY IS AFFECTIONARELY NICKNAMED

AFTER THE SMALL "CALIGAE" MILITARY BOOTS

WORN WHEN HE ACCOMPANIED

HIS FATHER ON WAR CAMPAIGNS

"LITTLE BOOTS." CALIGULA.

BLACK MAGIC. POISON.

MANY SOURCES ARE SPECULATED UPON AS TO THE CAUSE OF DEADTH OF GERMANICUS.

BUT WHISPERS SPEAK OF THE POPULARITY OF GERMANICUS

AND THE AMBITIONS OF HIS ADOPTIVE FATHER

THE EMPEROR TIBERIUS.

THE WIFE AND CHILDREN OF GERMANICUS DIE UNDER SIMILAR CIRCUMSTANCES,

ONE BY ONE, UNTIL ONLY CALIGULA AND HIS SISTER DRUSILA REMAIN.

ROME 37 AD

Germanicus, dead.

Hail, the great-grandfather of Germanicus.

Hail, Julius Caesar,

now a god.

Hail, the grandfather of Germanicus,

Augustus Caesar, now a god.

Behold the ashes of Germanicus.

Murdered! Murdered!

So cruelly taken from us.

The noblest of the Romans.

Father of.

Hail, the father of Germanicus.

Beautiful Caligula.

Hail, Tiberius Caesar! Father.

Who killed Germanicus?

Emperor of Rome!

Tiberius!

He's going to kill me.

Shh, you're safe.

You're with me.

He's going to kill us

just the way he killed our father,

our mother,

and our brothers.

I am not going to die.

You won't.

You are his heir.

There is no one else.

Yes.

There's Gemellus

and Claudius.

Gemellus is too young.

Claudius is an idiot.

And Tiberius is old.

You will be emperor soon.

And you will be my queen.

You can't marry your sister.

You can in Egypt.

But we're in Rome

and you're already promised.

I know.

To Ennia.

Remember,

Macro does command the Praetorian Guard.

It's only a bird.

What's it like with your husband?

What's what like?

He's so fat.

He's disgusting.

He's not.

He's just large.

But tiny where it counts.

How do you know?

I saw him at the baths.

Poor, poor Drusilla.

You are vile.

Password?

Justice.

Prince?

Forgive me, Prince.

I'm not interrupting,

am I?

Only my dreams.

Happy dreams?

News from Capri?

The emperor commands you to wait upon him.

We sail at first light.

What does he want?

A last look at you perhaps.

He is 77.

May he live forever.

How is Ennia?

In love.

In hell then as the poet says.

My wife won't be happy till she sees you in Capri.

Wait outside.

What do you think all this means?

Take care of yourself.

Pray to Isis for me.

Nerva, dear friend.

10 years is a long time

for the emperor to be hidden away.

I should feel a great deal happier

if he were back in Rome, where he belongs.

Tell me, how is the emperor?

Old, like me.

I mean, how is his mood?

Like the weather.

Oh, the weather's good today.

Changeable.

I am told, during the last month,

seven of my colleagues in the Senate

had been put to death for treason.

Nine, to be exact

And five of them cheated.

They killed themselves.

That wasn't playing fair.

Don't you agree, Nerva?

They were all good men.

If they were good men,

how could their beloved emperor find them guilty?

You have a gift for logic, Prince.

Caligula.

Great Caesar!

Beloved Grandfather.

Do your dance, boy.

My dance?

Yes, the one you delighted the army with

when your father made you its mascot.

Come on, Little Boots.

I've forgotten it, Lord.

Oh, dance for me.

Delight me.

Dance!

All right, come in, all of you.

All right, stop that!

Do you love me?

Yes, Caesar.

Why do you say such monstrous things

about me at Rome?

But I don't, Caesar, ever.

Oh, I hear you often pray devotedly

for my death.

By heavens, Caesar, I swear I do not.

You do not?

In public?

Never, Lord.

Remember this,

that I have let you live

so far.

My little fishies love me.

Innocence, you see.

I protect that innocence.

It is all I can do, for it is a foul world.

Out of here!

Nerva is scowling at us.

Nerva, my friend!

Nerva, help me transform this young barbarian

into a Roman Caesar.

There have been three Roman Caesars,

Julius, Augustus and yourself.

Which do you want him to be?

The best.

That would be your father, Augustus.

You see, Caligula,

I'm insulted to my face.

Nerva, dear friend,

when I am dead,

watch out for Macro.

I know he hates me.

Because you are good.

Because you are wise.

Therefore, when I am gone,

watch out for Macro.

I've taken my precautions, Caesar.

Heaven help Rome

when I die.

I am old.

You will live forever, Lord.

All my family are dead

but you and me,

a child, Gemellus, and that uncle, that Claudius thing.

All the others, struck down by fate.

And it is fate, Little Boots,

that rules us, not any god.

You are a god, Caesar.

No, I'm not!

Not even when I am dead.

Julius Caesar and Augustus Caesar,

they are gods.

So say the Senate,

and so the people prefer to believe.

Such myths are useful.

Little Boots,

look at you.

I am nursing a viper in Rome's bosom.

Wine!

Do you think this boy has been drinking?

I think he's been drinking, Caesar.

So do I.

Macro.

Yes, Lord.

Give him more wine and waste none.

The laces to your boots.

Quick.

And what do they say of me at Rome?

They miss you, Lord.

And they need you.

I have given most of my life to the Roman people.

I have fought.

Aren't they lovely?

Yes, Lord.

The satyrs are from lllyria.

And...

this nymph

is from...

From where?

Britain, Lord.

Britain

Speaking statues.

Yes.

And they can do as well as speak.

You prefer nymphs to satyrs?

I like both.

One needs both.

Keep healthy.

Rome is a republic, Caligula,

and you and I are just plain citizens.

More conviction!

Serve the state, Caligula,

although the people in it are appalling beasts.

But they love you, Lord.

No.

Hate me

and they do fear me.

Illegitimate.

There was no choice, you know.

There was no choice.

No choice?

All I wanted was private life.

I did not truly want to become emperor,

but I had to.

Had to?

If someone else had become emperor,

I would've been killed.

As you will be.

Will be, Gran...

Will be, Grandfather?

Would be, if you were not my heir.

When Rome was just a city

and we were just citizens known to one another, you see,

why we were good, frugal, disciplined, dignified.

We had to be.

Then we conquered the earth.

Amazing, isn't it?

Both boy and girl.

Fortunate creature.

Cost me a fortune.

We found the world to be wealthy

so we plundered it and lost our true character.

The Romans I rule are not what they were.

They lust.

They lust for pleasure, power,

money, other men's wives.

Yes.

I am a true moralist

and stern as any Cato.

Fate chose me to govern swine.

In my old age I have become a swineherd.

Well,

do you think this boy has drunk enough wine?

I think he's had enough, my Lord.

So do I.

Now he is happy.

Homer.

You would not know that.

You were educated in army camps only,

but you will know enough to be a swineherd.

The revised list of candidates

for the Equestrian Order.

I, Tiberius Caesar,

command in the name of the Senate

and the people of Rome.

Tax assessments for Asia Minor and Gaul. I, Tiberius Caesar,

command in the name of the Senate

and the people of Rome.

Senators guilty of treason.

Every senator believes himself to be a potential Caesar,

therefore every senator is guilty of treason

in thoughts, if not in deed.

The Senate is a natural enemy

of any Caesar, Little Boots.

Traitors.

They offered to approve any law I made before I made it.

"What if I went mad," I said, "what then?"

No answer.

They were born to be slaves, Little Boots.

Never forget that.

Germanicus,

remember,

born to be slaves.

Never forget that!

Lord, I'm not Germanicus.

I'm his son, Caligula.

Yes.

And your friend is Macro.

He serves you and only you, Lord.

And his wife is your friend.

Is she friendly in bed?

We must ask Macro, Lord.

She seems friendly.

And Drusilla, your sister?

My sister is my sister.

I know everything that is said and done

and thought.

The setting sun

and the rising.

Gemellus, lovely boy,

come to me, come to me.

And too young to betray me.

Well, perhaps not too young.

Kiss your old grandfather.

Oh, my last grandson.

I am your grandson too, Caesar.

Only by adoption.

This is the last flesh of my flesh.

Poor boy.

What will become of him?

He's like a brother to me, Lord.

A brother?

In our family,

a brother murders a brother,

who murders his father,

who has murdered his son.

Fate.

Drink, Caligula!

After you, dear brother.

Poor boy.

When I am gone, Caligula will kill you,

And then someone will kill Caligula.

Unless he should die before I do.

You are looking not well at all.

I....

Caligula Caesar,

command in the name of the Senate

and the people...

Prince.

My wife.

Ennia!

Now you are a man, Caligula.

What are you going to do?

You must be the master of your own destiny.

Take it with both hands.

Master.

Master, oh master.

Bind his wrists!

No.

You must not go, you must not leave me.

You're my friend.

For a man to choose the hour of his own death,

it's the closest he can ever come to tricking fate.

I'll trick you.

Quickly!

I have lived long enough, Tiberius,

and I hate my life.

Why?

You say that to me?

One by one, I have watched you murder your family,

your friends,

the best of all the Romans.

Leave us!

Out!

We were friends once, years ago.

Oh, we still are.

You will follow me soon.

How do you know?

With you gone,

Macro would kill me.

I'll arrest him and execute him.

You can't.

He controls you.

Besides, even if Macro were dead,

how could I go on living with this reptile?

You will respect my friend always,

won't you, reptile?

I've always respected him, Lord.

You hear that?

Tiberius, you were wise once.

Don't taunt me, I am old.

I've watched you turn into a monster.

That is treason, Nerva.

It is true.

I am surrounded by enemies.

You are cruel.

No, honest.

If power can destroy the mind and character of my Tiberius,

what will it do to this ignorant boy

brought up in army camps

by men who taught him nothing except how to be your slave?

Caligula serves me well.

The best of slaves will be the worst of masters.

So from evils past

the evils yet to come,

I now tools to escape.

You have hurt me.

Goodbye.

Prince.

Prince!

The physician Charicles wishes to speak with you.

The emperor has fallen ill.

Situation is dire.

How is the emperor?

How long will he last?

Well, it could happen any moment now.

With care, he might last a year or so.

Only a year?

I can smell death.

But whose?

Don't worry.

He can do nothing without me.

So these poor unfortunate creatures thought,

and where are they?

No, Macro.

He's planning something.

You will be emperor soon.

You swear?

I swe...

I swear.

Leave.

Everyone, leave.

Tiberius?

Tiberius?

Tiberius?

Caligula.

Lord.

Give me my ring.

No.

Yes.

You

do not

dare!

Hail, Caesar.

Hail, Caesar.

I'll get everyone assembled in the hall

for the announcement.

Gemellus!

Hail, Caesar.

We are alone, Gemellus.

We must love each other.

It's just like the dream.

It's only his mask.

You're a Caesar now.

Caesar?

Caesar.

Emperor of Rome, Lord of the world.

Lord of the world.

I like this dream.

At the...

At the insistence

of the Senate and the people of Rome,

I accept,

humbly,

the highest office of our great republic.

Of our great republic.

When our beloved Tiberius was dying,

he begged me to carry on his good work.

Into the Tiber with Tiberius!

Throw him in the river!

Today we begin a new era.

Hail!

All those who have been exiled from Rome,

I do now recall.

Hail, hail, hail!

I grant a general amnesty.

Caligula!

Caligula!

Caligula!

Silence. Caligula!

Great Caesar is not finished.

As my fellow consul,

the Senate and the people of Rome

have wisely chosen my learned Uncle Claudius.

Take your place beside me, Claudius.

Caesar!

Caligula!

Beside me, down there, Claudius.

I mean, consul.

Hail, hail, hail!

I herewith adopt as my son and heir, the Prince Gemellus.

Come forward, Prince.

From this moment,

all official oaths will contain the following phrase,

"I will value neither my life

nor the lives of my children

any more highly than I do that of the emperor

Or of his sister, Drusilla.”

Hail, hail, hail!

Did you see their faces when I told them

they had to swear not only to me,

but to you?

They were appalled.

I do hope so.

But is it wise?

I can do

Anything I like

To anyone.

Well, don't start with me.

Who would you suggest?

Who?

Do you trust Macro?

Macro?

He did kill Tiberius.

I must appoint a new commander of my own choice.

Forgive me, Caesar.

Chaerea.

Two senators beg to see you.

They have a dispute over land and await your judgment.

Well, bring them in, bring them in.

I am interested in all that is Rome,

even down to the length of the toga.

Caesar, I must complain about-

Give me the documents.

Guilty.

Oh, thank, thank you.

Do not thank me.

Justice must always be impartial.

That is so, Chaerea,

is it not?

Oh, yes, Caesar.

Good.

You may go.

That is your man.

Chaerea?

He's so boring.

Oh, boring, boring.

Superb display, Macro.

Superb.

Bring me Gemellus.

What? Here?

Here.

Now.

Charicles,

stand here.

I want a bonus for my guards.

Oh, but Caesar, that's not possible.

All things that happen are possible, Longinus.

Make the impossible happen and it becomes possible.

Logical?

Bergarius, you here.

Chaerea, you there.

But Caesar, the imperial budget,

you see, does not normally, uh, uh-

Well, you are the chancellor, Longinus.

You arrange it.

Uncle, would you mind stepping over here?

How, Caesar?

The palace banquets cost a quarter of a million sesterces.

Just a quarter of a million?

Well, we'll have to put everyone on a diet, won't we?

Issue an edict.

Yes. Lord.

But the deficits, you see...

Well, how much is my purse?

Well, Lord...

that is as much as you require.

Good.

Ah, Macro,

would you stand there?

Longinus, you here.

Yes, Caesar.

Gemellus.

I want you to look at these gentlemen very carefully

and tell me who Kkilled Tiberius.

Take your time.

Look right into their eyes.

Who killed Tiberius?

He did!

Macro!

Murderer.

Arrest him.

In honor of your new commander, Chaerea,

10 gold pieces to every man.

Hail. Haiti

Hail, hail!

Hail, hail, hail!

Chaerea.

Arrest Macro.

Don't you dare!

Ennia.

You look so beautiful.

Is it good for growing hair?

The divorce will only take a few days.

I think we should move.

Move?

Where?

Alexandria, say.

To Egypt?

Yes.

What do you think?

I'd hate to leave Rome.

I mean,

the Senate.

But I am Rome.

Wherever I am, Rome is

and there is the Senate and the people of Rome.

Forgive us, Caesar.

Oh, Longinus.

Hang on a minute.

The Commission.

Chaerea,

I now officially appoint you

the commander of my imperial guard.

But what about Macro?

What happened?

Where is he?

He has been arrested for treason.

Caesar, you know he worships you.

He made you!

Nobody made me.

Can't believe it.

What was it?

What did he do?

Ennia,

I had to take my destiny

in my own hand.

I love you.

I love you.

Look, I...

I love you.

I love you.

I, I love you.

No, I, I love you.

I love you, I love you, I love you.

I love you.

Now at least she doesn't have to get a divorce.

You still have to find a suitable wife.

No.

I'm going to marry you.

You can't, we're not Egyptians.

I know.

We're much more beautiful.

Rome is not Egypt.

And stop looking at yourself like that.

Then let's go to Egypt.

You are a fool.

Caesar cannot be a fool.

But he's trying very hard.

They'll throw you in the Tiber

if you try to move the government.

They is who?

We're safe now.

Emperors are never safe.

I am the great Caesar.

I can do anything I like.

You're going to marry a respectable Roman lady

of the Senatorial class.

Oh no I'm not.

Yes, you are.

You've got to have an heir.

Who will kill me when he grows up.

The priestesses of Isis

are meeting at my house tonight.

You want me to marry one of them?

Yes.

No.

Yes.

No.

Yes.

I wonder what I should wear.

When does the orgy begin?

Don't be disgusting.

I'm not, I'm being practical.

If I'm to choose a wife, I must see how she performs.

Logic.

That one looks rather interesting.

Livia?

She's taken.

She's to marry Proculus,

one of your officers.

Proculus?

I'll send him to Spain.

She's a virgin.

Not your style.

Very boring.

That will be my wife.

Oh no, not Caesonia.

You are impossible.

She's the most promiscuous woman in Rome.

Perfect.

Caesonia has been divorced.

She's extravagant.

Always in debit.

I want her.

But not for a wife.

Send her to me now.

No.

Yes.

Such is the will of the Senate and the people of Rome.

You're very convincing as a priestess, Caesar.

And you as a sacrificial lamb, Caesonia.

If only all Rome had just one neck.

I told Caesonia that I would marry her.

Don't.

But only after she has borne me a son.

How will you ever know it's yours?

I shall have her very well guarded.

Don't worry.

Then you can be sure

one of the guards will be the father.

No, they're all homosexuals

who've been castrated.

Is that the officer that Livia is going to marry?

Yes, Proculus.

Proculus.

Longinus?

Caesar?

You see this young officer over here?

Proculus.

Superb!

Yes.

The crown of victory for Proculus.

I believe, Proculus,

that you're going to marry the beautiful Livia.

Yes, Caesar.

I look forward to the wedding.

I am honored, Caesar.

Gemellus.

Caligula!

Drusilla!

Jupiter loves me!

Drusilla!

They're trying to kill me!

Gemellus.

I saw him. He ran away.

He wants me dead.

Caligula Caesar,

Emperor of Rome.

Hail. Haiti

And the Lady Drusilla

and the Lady Caesonia.

And the Lady Drusilla

and the Lady Caesonia.

Hail.

Hail!

Are we late?

Do forgive us.

Was the ceremony beautiful?

The auguries good?

Yes, Caesar.

Splendid.

You are very gracious to come.

You are a Roman hero.

I shall now bestow the special blessing

of almighty Caesar

upon this

happy union.

Perfect.

I thought you didn't like virgins.

I've never known any.

That is correct, Caesonia?

And now for my wedding gift.

What a delicious bride!

Take off your robe, dear girl.

But...

But?

Splendid.

Splendid.

My compliments.

Don't move!

Is she really a virgin, Proculus?

Yes, Caesar.

One can never be quite sure.

Open your eyes, dear girl.

Lucky girl.

To lose your virginity

to a direct descendant of the goddess Venus.

I, Caligula Caesar

command you...

Open your eyes, Proculus.

Command in the name of the Senate...

Open them!

And the people of Rome.

Ooh.

She really was a virgin.

Are you?

Well,

are you?

No, Caesar.

Isis won't like that.

One law for woman, one for man.

That's not fair.

Come on, off with your clothes.

Splendid.

I like your nice bushy hair, Proculus.

No, Caesar,

I beg you. It's so thick.

Up!

I think you lied to me, Proculus.

You're a virgin, too.

I, Caligula Caesar,

command in the name...

Open your eyes, Livia.

In the name of the Senate and the people of Rome.

Hail, Caesar!

Hail!

All hail Caesar's beautiful horse, Incitatus.

Hail!

There's Gemellus.

Watch him.

Chop chop, dear uncle, chop chop.

I want your honest advice.

Shall I declare myself king of Rome?

King?

Oh, dear, I mean, well, this is a republic, isn't it?

Very well.

I shall make myself king of the republic.

But you're already greater than any king, Caesar.

I know, but I feel so undistinguished.

But to us, you're just like a god.

I am a god.

Or at least I will be when I'm dead.

Gemellus.

Try some of these morays.

What's that smell?

What smell, Caesar?

What have you been taking?

Just a medicine to ward off the fever.

Did you give him medicine for the fever?

Well, Caesar, I...

Yes or no?

I...

N-no.

Gemellus.

Are you accusing your sovereign of being a poisoner?

But I never accused you, Caesar.

You took an antidote before you came to my table,

which is tantamount to accusing me of poisoning you.

That is logical, is it not?

Chaerea,

arrest Gemellus for treason.

Guards.

No!

No!

Caesar!

No!

No!

Caesar!

Caesar, no!

No!

No! As if there ever

could be an antidote against Caesar.

No!

Drusilla.

Why are you so concerned for him?

I'm not concerned for him, but for you.

He knows about Tiberius.

He's a threat to me.

He's not.

He's not even your heir.

Caesonia is now carrying your child.

Gemellus will die.

You amateur.

Amateur?

And they weren't even poisoned.

Caesar.

Well done.

Thank you.

What will you do to Drusilla?

What she said was treason.

I decide what is treason, not you.

Dance!

Dance?

Yes.

Show Incitatus your new dance.

What about your son?

My son?

He will dance with you.

Music.

Yes!

Drusilla.

You're very, very beautiful.

We are alone now on Earth,

as we shall be in the Heaven.

He's going to kill me.

Help me.

He's going to kill me.

He's going to kill me.

The fever must break soon.

And what if it doesn't?

Drusilla.

Where's my sister?

She's coming.

Take my horse back to his own room.

I'm here, Little Boots.

Drusilla, I'm dying.

You are not.

I must make my will.

Don't talk.

Sleep.

Longinus.

I want Longinus.

Just listen to the crowd.

Ah, yes, the people love him.

Yet, nobody is safe with him.

The empire is safe.

The empire?

But he's a tyrant.

Better tyranny than anarchy.

A few families in Rome may suffer,

but the empire is safe.

There could be far worse horrors,

war, revolution, civil chaos,

if Caligula were to die.

It looks as if he is going to die anyway.

Longinus.

You called for me, Caesar?

My, my will

Herewith to my beloved Drusilla,

the Roman Empire,

title

Augusta.

My little boots.

Little boo...

Little boo...

He's sleeping.

No, he's not.

Why do I get so angry with you?

Why do we always quarrel?

You can't help it.

We'll never quarrel again.

Oh, yes, we will.

Don't let me die.

My lady, you mustn't touch him.

The fever is contagious.

Sleep.

You're safe now.

Drusilla's here.

I offer my life

if Jupiter

will only spare our beloved emperor.

Jupiter accepts your offer.

Execute him.

The fever is breaking.

Do you hear that, Little Boots?

You're going to live.

You missed.

I did not miss.

I was aiming for that leaf.

Well, aim at me.

Drusilla tells me that I've been neglecting my duty,

so I report for work.

Your signature and seal is required.

I, Caligula Caesar,

command in the name of the Senate

and the people of Rome.

I, Caligula Caesar,

command in the name of the Senate

and the people of Rome.

I, Caligula Caesar, command...

Dull, dull, dull!

Caesar.

If I don't do something very soon,

| shall be remembered as Caligula the Dull.

I can see it in the history books.

Things are going far too well, Longinus.

Too well?

Yes.

No wars, no catastrophes, nothing.

It's been ages since we had a proper earthquake.

But what nature won't do, we'll have to do ourselves.

Lord?

There will be a famine.

But the granaries are crammed full.

Exactly.

Close them down.

Close them?

Yes.

Stop all the grain supplies.

And issue an order that every citizen

will get provisions every day,

for which they will bless their beloved emperor.

Yes, Lord.

What else?

Perhaps I could conquer Persia like Alexander.

And the people would love that.

I think war is a stupid business, don't you?

Yes, Lord.

I want a bridge right across the Bay of Naples.

Yes, Lord.

And a ship.

Yes, Lord.

With the most beautiful garden.

Drusilla loves gardens,

and she likes the sea.

Which reminds me,

we haven't had a sea battle for a long time.

Flood the amphitheater.

We'll have a sea battle between Greeks and Trojans.

Yes, Lord.

Longinus?

Yes, Lord?

Why do the Romans look so ugly?

Issue an edict.

Every man is to wear two partings in his hair.

Yes, Lord.

Can't you ever say anything except "yes, Lord"?

No wonder life's so dull.

Ah. Yes, Lord.

Shh, shh.

Curtain!

The child's head has just appeared.

Is he alive?

Yes, Caesar.

My lords,

I am now to be married to Caesonia,

the mother of my son, Caligula Germanicus.

The ring. The ring.

You are now wife, mother, and Empress of Rome.

It's a girl.

It is not a girl.

Did you not hear Caesar say...

I heard the words of Caesar, but your daughter did not.

I should have waited, shouldn't I?

There will be other children.

Longinus.

One month of free games

and a gold coin to every Roman

to celebrate the birth of my son,

uh, my daughter,

Julia Drusilla.

Caesar.

Caesar.

The fever.

[Citizen] Julia.

Drusilla, I'm here.

It's your Little Boots.

Do something.

I'm doing everything I can, Caesar.

I swear.

But the fever.

Don't leave me.

Not now.

Holy Isis, save her.

Take me.

Caesar begs you, almighty mother.

Caesar.

No.

No.

No.

No.

No.

No.

Get out.

Get out!

Out!

Get out!

Get out!

Out!

Get out!

Get out!

Get out!

Do you have any news of him?

According to one report, he's gone to Egypt.

And according to the other reports?

To Greece,

to Carthage,

to Persia,

to Gaul.

And where do you think he is?

He could be anywhere.

No,

he's here, in Rome.

He is testing us.

Oh, I wouldn't laugh if I were you, Longinus.

Neither will I dine nor bathe with my children,

nor have intercourse with my parents for a month.

I have existed from the morning of the world,

and I shall exist until the last star falls from the night.

Although I have taken the form of Gaius Caligula,

I am no man as I am all men.

And therefore I am

a god.

I shall wait for the unanimous decision

of the Senate, Claudius.

All those who say aye,

say aye.

Aye!

Aye.

Aye!

Aye.

Aye!

Aye.

Aye! Aye!

Aye.

Aye!

Aye.

Aye!

Aye.

Aye!

Aye.

Aye!

Aye.

Aye!

Aye.

Aye!

Aye.

Aye!

Aye.

Aye! Aye!

Aye.

Aye! Aye!

Aye.

Aye! Aye!

Aye! Aye!

Aye!

The period of mourning is now over!

Alright, Caesonia,

what have I done?

Why did you make the Senate declare you a god?

That was the Senate's decision, not mine.

Anyway,

I am a god.

A god with human feelings.

A god in human form.

You believe that, don't you?

Oh yes, of course.

Then you're just as stupid as they are.

I don't want them to kill your human form.

They won't.

They're sheep.

I'm surrounded by hypocrites and sheep,

forever talking about service and loyalty.

Sheep.

I don't trust the Senate.

I don't trust Longinus

and I don't trust Chaerea.

I only trust my little giant.

And not me?

I trust your heart,

not your head.

I know.

I am not Drusilla.

Caligula.

Isis loves us.

We have everything.

Everything.

Why can't you be happy?

Happy?

A happy emperor on the throne of Rome?

That would be unique.

Do you have to make your contempt

for the institution so obvious?

Yes.

Why?

It is my inspiration.

Aren't you going to finish the massage?

You can't, Caesonia.

I'm a god.

Don't you think all the gods

look a lot more sympathetic now?

Oh, yes, divine Caesar.

I was talking to Incitatus.

You like them, don't you, hm?

What do you say?

Hmm, I thought he was a deaf mute.

All things speak to god

and all things listen.

Longinus.

Caesar?

We will invade

Britain.

But we can't possibly afford it.

Don't contradict me.

I can't bear contradictions.

I am inflexible.

Then, Lord, we should restore the wine tax.

No, no, no.

No.

The people won't love me if we tax their wine.

Then, how will we raise the money?

Wars, Longinus.

Wars.

Conquest, plunder, slaves.

That is the logical way to raise money.

Make the preparations.

Yes, divine Caesar.

And there's plenty of money in Rome too,

we only have to collect it.

Don't you worry, Longinus.

We shall raise it by the bushel.

Do you like my new march?

Oh, yes, divine Caesar.

So I think I'll teach it to my legions.

Caesonia?

How do I look?

Enjoy yourself, hmm.

Take care.

Now the fun begins.

But are they going to enjoy it as well?

I don't know.

Should we find out?

Longinus!

Longinus,

my financial wizard.

Longinus.

We have a question for you.

Who is making the most money in Rome?

Answer,

the pimps.

Question number two.

Who are the most lascivious sluts in Rome?

Who?

Answer,

the Senators' wives.

Solution?

The Imperial Brothel!

Only five gold pieces on each and every 20 minutes.

And that's a bargain because some of the women here

are respectable married ladies.

Virgins, whores,

Senators' wives.

I'll have to work out a special rate for (indistinct).

Just five gold pieces!

Everybody lasting three hours or more

will receive Caesar's special prize for endurance.

Hairy nipples.

Senator Marcelo, your wife will drive our customers away.

Try hot walnuts.

Now we sail for Britain.

Mars tells me we'll enjoy a great victory.

What is he doing?

We're only a few hours march from Rome.

Chaerea.

Is everything prepared for the invasion?

Yes, Caesar.

Only...

Only what?

Where is Britain?

Where?

There.

Oh yes, Lord, there.

But, um...

But what?

There is no enemy.

There is papyrus.

Papyrus, divine Caesar?

Yes, papyrus.

Don't be so stupid, Chaerea.

Order my army to attack and destroy that papyrus.

After all, we must have some proof

that I'd conquered Britain.

Attack!

Destroy!

Get him. Get over there.

Kill!

While all of you were living safely here in Rome,

your beloved emperor was risking his life

to preserve and enlarge the Empire.

I've heard rumors that the Senate

doesn't believe that I ever went to Britain.

No.

No, Lord.

I did conquer Britain,

and I have 100,000 papyrus canes to prove it.

Hail!

Hail!

Hail!

They hate you now.

Let them hate me.

So long as they fear me.

But they're consuls, Senators.

They are important men.

So important that they approve all I do.

They must be mad.

They say nothing.

I don't know what else to do to provoke them.

Cowards.

Sheep.

Almighty Caesar says,

take a grape

and catch it in your mouth.

Oh, fail, fail, fail.

Fail, fail, fail, fail.

Fail, fail, fail, fail, fail.

Keep a note of all those who fail, Longinus.

Yes. Almighty Caesar says,

stand!

Almighty Caesar says, get down!

Almighty Caesar says, turn right!

Fail, fail, fail, fail, fail,

fail, fail, fail, fail.

Almighty Caesar says,

run down the middle!

Almighty Caesar says, hop!

Stop!

Fail, fail, fail.

Fail, fail, fail, fail, fail.

Almighty Caesar says, hop!

Stop!

Hop! Stop!

Hop, stop! Hop, stop!

Hop, stop! Hop, stop!

Hop, stop! Hop, stop!

Almighty Caesar says, crawl!

Crawl!

Crawl!

Crawl!

Crawl!

Crawl!

I hate them.

Almighty Caesar says, stop.

Almighty Caesar says, to balance the state budget,

we shall confiscate the entire estates

of all those who have failed.

Read out your list, Longinus.

Senators Galva,

Aponius,

Marcellus,

Antonius,

Cassius.

Chaerea.

Cutonius.

They have failed me.

Antonius Annie.

They have failed Rome.

Felixio.

Arrest them.

Walter Fodonio.

Tintoes...

Almighty Caesar says,

arrest them.

Guards, arrest them.

Almighty Caesar says, finish your dinner.

Eat!

Watch Chaerea.

Why?

The omens are not good.

Be on your guard.

I think he intends to kill me.

What is so amusing, Caesar?

Just a thought.

May I ask what thought?

All I have to do is to nod my head

and both your throats will be cut, right here at dinner.

That is the emperor's privilege.

Is it true that there's been a conspiracy

against me, Longinus?

Uh, well, Lord, that is...

I mean, there seems to be a secret plot.

A plot is always a secret.

If it's not a secret, it's not a plot, but a plan.

That is logical, is it not, Claudius?

Even a half-wit can see that and you're a half-wit.

Half of me is, Caesar.

When is the next consular election?

In two weeks, divine Caesar.

In two weeks I shall elect as consul

the noblest Roman of you all.

I, Caligula Caesar, in the name of the...

In the name of the people of Rome,

do now designate as consul,

Incitatus.

Hail!

Hail, hail, hail!

Hail, hail, hail!

He appeals to the people.

The Senate counts for nothing.

The new consul will now address the Senate.

All hail, Incitatus!

Haiti

Hail, hail, hail.

Haiti

Hail!

Hail!

Hail!

Hail, hail, hail.

He has mocked the gods and the Senate,

and humiliated the army.

And prostituted our wives.

That's why the people love him.

Hail, hail, hail.

May he be happy.

Happy?

Happy.

What would you do if you were me?

You never answer me.

You don't exist.

You don't exist.

You don't exist!

No!

No!

No!

No!

No!

No!

No!

You don't exist!

You don't exist!

No!

No!

No!

No!

No!

You need to sleep.

I think I shall have to resign myself to living forever.

I hope you do.

I am going bald.

No, you're not.

You've never been able to face the facts, have you?

The facts?

Oh yes, my Lord.

Can you?

I need some sleep.

I need you.

Are you ready?

Will you speak your mind, Sister Isis?

Long have I wandered in the land of men

in search of you, Brother Osiris.

I have been killed and cut into bits.

You put my pieces together,

bringing back life with a kiss.

He's waving at us.

Wave back.

It doesn't matter.

It's only a show.

Dancing master, who are these people?

They are the dancers from Troy,

divine Caesar.

Do they know Hector's dance of death?

Yes, Lord.

Do you want to see my dance?

The password?

Password?

Scrotum.

So be it.

I

live.

I live.

I

still

live.

Now.

Guards.

Hail Claudius Caesar!

Hail, hail.

Hail.