Original subtitles

This programme contains strong language and scenes which some viewers may find upsetting

MAN LAUGHS

It's Dave! In love with Dave!

I can't believe it's happened for him.

Have you got my phone?

Why would I have your phone?

SHE SIGHS

But Dave?

Dave, though!

- Three weeks? - Yeah. They've been together three weeks.

And she's in love with him?

Do you think I'll need a coat?

There's kind of a chill.

But I don't want to be hot.

This is so dull.

- Have we become boring? - You've become boring!

HE LAUGHS

But Dave, settling down?!

Ah, it's great for him.

You know she's 42?

What?

His new girlfriend's 42. She'll be wanting a baby, she'll...

You've told me she's 42, like, five times.

When?!

OK. One, when you're walking around doing your teeth

with your willy out.

Just stay at the sink!

HE LAUGHS

Two...

Hey.

- Oh, sorry. Can I...? - Oh, sorry.

- No, sorry. - No, go ahead.

- Would you mind filling up my bottle? - Sure.

- Sure! - Yeah!

CHILD BABBLES

MOTHER GIGGLES NERVOUSLY

Oh, thank you.

- I'm sorry. - No worries...

Fun, fun, fun!

What?

HE CHUCKLES

Oh, my God, that's...

That's so bad.

Oh, now that's cute.

Urgh.

�3.50!

�3.50?!

Stop looking at me.

Why would I want to look at you?

I'm fine.

I'll be fine today.

Now, that's lovely.

Why do you never send me cards like that?

Because I'm not a massive prick.

PIANO MUSIC PLAYS

# My dreams are up in arms because

# They say they can't compete with you

# You stop the day with a little syllable

# Left unfinished

# When you move to kiss me

# Now each word bursts like a volcano

# Cos there's nowhere else for this love to go

# I grabbed a keyboard and a microphone

# Cos there's nowhere else for this love to turn... #

SHE GASPS

# And I

# I just can't believe

# I've found someone the same as me... #

Lisa?

Hey, hey, hey.

Hey.

I'm so sorry.

What are you sorry for?

It's so...so fucking stupid.

Yeah, of course it's stupid.

Does it look like I've been crying?

You've never looked better. Look at you. You're gorgeous.

You should have come out the house looking like this!

Oh, man.

They moved us.

- Oh, great. - I found the email and it did say 14,

so they didn't have a leg to stand on.

Oi-oi! Do you want a cuddle with your cousin,

or second cousin, or whatever?

Ah, we've had a bit of a tummy bug, so don't want to...

Oh, we don't want to catch a tummy bug, do we, Finlay?

No, no. That's the last thing we need, innit, eh?

More sleepless nights.

- There we go. - There we go.

Go on, sit down.

So, your Dave's got a new woman!

Ah, yeah. Apparently she's in love with him.

It sounds like Dave's going to settle down.

- No! - It's amazing.

- Lovely house. - Thank you.

- Sorry. - Sorry.

No, sorry, Dave, I'm just looking for this bloody, erm...

- Ah. - At last!

Oh...

Thank you.

Pleasure.

Make yourself at home.

Thank you, yeah.

- Lovely colour. - Yeah.

- Coffee machine. - Yeah.

Yeah.

Your beauty knows no bounds.

Shh. Don't speak.

Sorry.

I'm seeing my friends tomorrow.

I've told them all about you.

You should probably meet them, actually.

It's been three weeks...

Mm.

They're all, like, married or engaged, so it gets a bit coupley.

- Oh, God. - Yeah.

No, it'd be great to get you out with them and er...

You could meet them,

meet my son, Daniel. He's amazing.

Mm.

SHE SIGHS

Any more lumps, clots?

Nope.

Yep.

Yep.

Yep. All gone.

DISTANT SIREN

Are you hungry?

No, I'm good.

Do you want to go get a coffee?

I just need to get to work.

Something to eat?

Got some jelly beans in my bag.

Jelly beans?

Yeah.

I'm good for jelly beans.

Why don't you want one of my jelly beans?

SHE SNICKERS

Why do you even have jelly beans?

Just fancied some.

How often do you buy jelly beans?

About once a week.

You buy jelly beans once a week?

It's not like a strict thing.

Oh, is it not? Buying jelly beans isn't a strict thing for you?

No.

- That's good to know. - I just...

About once a week I think, "Ooh, yeah, I'll buy some jelly beans."

How did I not know this about you?

- There's loads you don't know about me. - Yeah.

You're full of hidden depths.

THEY LAUGH

Shall we get going?

Yeah.

Wait. What have you got on at work today?

I need to format the annual report.

Well, at least it's something interesting!

I feel like we should start trying again.

Whatever you need.

If you do insist on having sex with me over and over again

- until you get pregnant, then... - You'll be OK with that?

Let me just... Let me just...

- You put your fingers on your chin! - Mm.

You've actually put your fingers on your chin!

- I'll cope. - Oh, thanks!

I'll find an inner strength.

We're good now.

We've got through seeing Erin's baby,

got through the check-up.

If we can get through my dad waving a baby in your face,

we can get through anything.

Now we just need to keep positive.

Keep moving forwards.

Can we get going?

Yeah.

Well, can we actually, though, rather than just...?

Definitely.

STARTS ENGINE

- You're late! - Yes.

Heavy night, was it?

Oh... Every night's a heavy night.

BEEPING

Try again.

- I've asked Malik to get it fixed. - Oh, dear.

Yeah, but...

PHONE RINGS

One second.

Hello?

Yes.

That's perfect.

Mm. Yeah, can I call you back?

Great. Bye!

Sorry about that.

- Machines, eh? - Right!

- Has Malik fixed it yet? - No.

- Oh, my God! - It's so mad!

It's Beavers and Cubs on a Monday,

swimming on a Tuesday,

Wednesdays we can't do anything

because Jonathan "has to have the car".

Are you all right to do their toast?

Yeah.

There's more bread in the cupboard.

Sam! Frankie! Church!

Shall I cut the crusts off?

Oh... No, they're good, thanks.

You're so lovely!

Oh, my God. I'm sorry, but that is so funny, Amanda.

I cannot wait till you have kids!

She won't be cutting the crusts off!

No, she won't be cutting the crusts off!

WHISPERS: Hi, how are you?

INAUDIBLE WHISPERS

CARTOON PLAYS ON PHONE

Shoes.

Shoes!

If I tell you to take your shoes off, you take your shoes off!

Take your shoes off, Granny'll give you biscuits.

Mum, please. That's not helpful.

All kicking off in there.

Yep.

I don't know how your sister does it.

Running round.

All that cooking.

You think your job's stressful -

Children are a whole different level.

You know she's started them in karate?

Yeah.

Can I do a wee?

Er...

I will... I just need to do a wee.

My mates are like, "Come on! Let's meet her!"

I just find it hilarious.

I'm just like, "She's busy with work.

"I'm sure she'll come out at some point."

You going to be hot?

No.

I'm ovulating!

Are you talking to me?!

I'm ovulating!

Can you say it louder?!

I'm ovulating!

- MOUTH FULL: - No... Can you really shout it, please?!

HE LAUGHS

I'M OVULATING!

HE CHUCKLES

Do you want me to wash it?

Do you need to wash it?

Probably.

Yeah, that's...

..so disgusting.

Well, I'll go and flop it over the sink.

Please, it's not big enough to flop.

HE LAUGHS

God, it's cold.

Yeah.

The pressure's gone on the boiler.

Can you stop talking about the boiler?

Are you sure?

THEY GIGGLE

ALARM RINGS

Oh, it was a masterclass!

I was like a bull - in and out.

God, I'm lucky!

THEY LAUGH

Do you want a moist chicken,

or do you want an orgasm?

You can't have both!

I'll do the broccoli.

THEY LAUGH

BIN CLATTERS

FLY BUZZES

- Just leave it. - Shh!

HE LAUGHS

Shh!

This is so sexy.

I'm... I'm not doing it with a fly in the room.

He's not going to watch us!

He's got like a thousand eyes!

BIN CLATTERS

D3?

Um, yeah?

This one's got D3 in it and this one hasn't.

This one's got iron in it and this one...

Oh, maybe it does...

What about folates?

What the fuck are folates?

THEY LAUGH

Jesus.

Oh! Oh, here he is!

ROWDY LAUGHTER

What have you got in there, then?

Where's your new lady?

Er, er... She says that she's very sorry.

She's desperate to meet you all, but erm...

Sadly she doesn't exist!

No! Sadly she's very busy with work.

Yeah, well, we can't wait to meet her, mate.

No, honestly, she's chomping at the bit.

- She doesn't stop going on about you guys. - This is nice.

Oi! Get off! Get off!

How are you two, anyway?

You two been good?

Yeah. Yeah, really good.

Thanks for that.

- No, happy to. - Do you want to say a quick hello to him?

Yep.

TV BLARES

Say hi to your dad.

Hi.

You all right, big guy?

What are you watching?

This.

Great.

Did you mention his award?

- Er... - It was in the school newsletter.

Oh, please...

Just say well done to him.

You read the school newsletter?!

Just fucking...

No! I'm not going to bend over and...

Just fucking do it.

Er...

Well done on the award, mate.

That's so cool.

- I said well done. - Say goodbye to your dad!

I said well done.

Say goodbye to your dad.

Say goodbye to your dad!

- I'm actually his father. - Yeah, OK.

And you don't even tell me about headteacher's award?!

- Yeah, OK. - Wow. What a great mother.

- No, I'm not... I'm not doing this. - You're letting your son down.

You're letting the...the school down.

Do you even care about his feelings?

How's your little boy?

Oh, he won a headteacher's award!

Oh, that's so nice!

Yeah, I took him this, like, amazing, like, Lego set.

They're not cheap.

It's only money.

What?

- I'm just... - Oh, right. Yeah.

They're inviting us out - Dave and Amanda!

They want us to go out for dinner!

Lisa!

We're finally going to get to meet Amanda!

Can you fuck off?

Are you sure?

You don't want me to stand here and go on about Amanda?

Go away!

Yep!

SHE GROANS

Ah, Jesus.

LINE RINGS OUT

CLUB MUSIC BLARES

At the tone, please record your message.

When you have finished, you may...

MUSIC BUILDS

DOORBELL RINGS TUNEFULLY

FOOTSTEPS APPROACH

One minute! Sorry!

Come in if you want!

Bath's ready!

Bath's ready!

Hey, Alfie.

There's a woman in the hallway!

Alfie, turn the TV off! Bath's ready!

I can't hear you! The telly's on!

The bath's ready!

Alexa, announce "bath's ready"!

Alfie, TV off now!

Alexa!

Apparently, she's madly in love with Dave -

Stephen's best man.

Ha! How could anyone be in love with Dave?

She's booked this posh restaurant in the middle of, like...

- But she's paying, right? - We don't know.

You don't know?!

How do we ask?!

What you having?

Erm, just a lemonade please. No ice.

But don't let me stop you having a beer.

Um, two lemonades, please. One with ice.

Lemonade?

How long?

- 11 weeks. - Oh!

What can I get you?

Oh, we're being served.

Oh, my God! They're going to be like...

- Same year at school. - Yes!

For a starter?!

15 quid for a starter?

Yeah. I nodded.

She's literally got money coming out of her arse.

Right, cheapest mains...

Oh, my God, don't.

- 20... - 30.

Seven.

Pounds.

Fuck off.

For a bit of veg?

Look at the steaks.

We're here for our 12-week scan. 10.30.

Lisa.

Date of birth?

March 4th, 1990.

First line of your address?

Flat 96, Lawson Court.

Did you want to purchase any photos?

Photos...

- We should get a load of them. - Yeah.

They're �5 each.

We'll...get two.

Two's plenty.

How's it going?

Yeah. Getting heavy.

How far are you?

12 weeks.

12 weeks, three days.

- An important three days! - Yeah, it is!

Oh, so you've got your scan?

Paid for the photos!

�5 each!

The sonographers, they just give them out for free.

- No way! - Don't think about it.

Yeah. Let's not think about it.

Oh, my God! That's so annoying!

Lisa?

Oh, yes!

No, I've got them.

Nice to meet you.

Just relax and enjoy.

I'll try!

No, I'm still feeling very sick.

Oh, dear.

I'll try not to puke on you!

But we... We think there's a bump, don't we?

It's all those biscuits I've been eating.

Can we get you on the bed?

Yep.

Where shall I...?

Just sit down!

You can sit there.

Great. Thanks.

Happy now?

Very comfortable.

So, have you tried ginger biscuits?

Yes. No good, sadly.

Rich Teas seem to work a little bit.

I tried her on a Digestive, and...

- Don't! Are you mad? - Even the mention of it!

It's the texture. I used to love them!

Would you mind rolling up your top?

Yes! Sorry.

That would help.

And just pop your trousers below your...

- That good? - And the back as well. - Oh.

Excellent.

This is going to be a little bit cold.

Yep.

LISA GIGGLES

We... We bought two of those photos.

Oh, don't worry. I'll give you as many of those as you like.

Oh, amazing.

Thank you.

Our parents will be wanting some.

Yeah.

My dad will have them plastered all over the house.

Yeah, he's great like that!

I'll just grab them as we go.

Thanks.

Er, do you want to...watch what I'm scanning?

- Yeah. - Yeah. Yeah.

See what's going on.

OK. So, I'll have a little look,

and I'll let you know what I find.

Can take a little while, so...

We're quite nervous.

Don't worry. Everybody is.

We had an early loss.

Just relax.

Yeah.

Sorry.

It can take a while, as I say,

but I will let you know just as soon as I can.

Thank you.

I need to find a better angle.

Oh. Sorry.

No, no. You stay where you are.

He's hiding.

They can be very cheeky, some of them!

- Yeah, I wonder where he gets that from. - Oi!

How long since your last period?

12 weeks three days.

It's an important three days.

Is that the baby?

One minute, please.

Your last period was 12 weeks and three days.

I'm measuring eight weeks, five days.

And I, erm...

..I'm not finding a heartbeat.

I'll, erm...

I'm not finding a heartbeat.

There's a gown behind the screen.

I'll need to scan you vaginally.

HORN BLARES

SHOUTING

HORN TOOTS IMPATIENTLY

SHE SNIFFS

DOOR BUZZER RINGS

Can you take this for number 82?

Er, yeah.

Can I just, er...

Name?

Er, Stephen.

Flat 96.

Do you want any lunch?

I'm good.

SHE SOBS

Uh-oh! Late again!

I know, right?

Morning!

Morning.

ALARM RINGS

Can you pause it?

CLOSES WINDOW/ALARM DULLS

Morning!

Yeah, I'm not even joking.

OK.

I'm more than happy for Seb or Clara or Cindy to stay here

till nine on a Wednesday.

I'd actually love to see Seb doing that.

That would make me...

That would make me very happy.

The meetings we had about the email strategy!

So, is the newsletter not good enough for her now?

Because I'm happy for someone else to take it on.

SOBBING

No, I want to go.

OK.

I need to go. This isn't going to...

..going to become who I am.

I'm not going to let it fucking...

..let it change me.

Oh, God, Stephen.

It hurts so much.

Sorry we're late!

How are you? You good?

Where have you been hiding? You've been silent on the old er...

Hey! What are you doing here?!

Uh-oh.

Lisa's here. Helmets on!

THEY LAUGH

You've been silent on the WhatsApps.

Oh, a mad couple of weeks.

Well, it's about to get madder.

- This is Amanda. - Oh! - At last!

- At last?! - No, I didn't mean like...

No, it's been, yeah. Crazy times.

STRAINED LAUGHTER

It's, er, Lisa and Stephen.

Yeah, I got that. Thanks, Dave.

Keeping me on my toes.

CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYS

This place is fucked.

Fucking hell.

LISA CHUCKLES

Jesus Christ.

So, we should share some starters.

Absolutely.

So, we just get maybe...

..six between the four of us?

- I don't know how hungry people are. - I'm hungry.

Always hungry.

He was fat at school.

Big-boned, sorry.

Very big-boned.

Huge-boned.

Enormous bones.

- Napkin. - What?

Putting it on your lap.

I'm just putting a napkin on my lap.

- Yeah, no, you put it on your lap, mate. - Where do you put yours?

Yeah... I don't put it on my lap.

Do you like courgette, Lisa?

She does, yeah.

She was asking Lisa!

Sorry! Just got very strong opinions on courgettes.

Courgettes, napkins...

Yeah, yeah, courgettes, napkins...

..erm...

He's getting a bit ahead of himself.

I'll sort him out later.

Uh-oh.

Or do you prefer aubergine?

I think we should have at least one vegetable.

Lisa's like, "Forget the vegetables? Give us the meat!"

Yeah, no, it all looks amazing.

Even the cutlery.

Yeah the...the cutlery's like...

- Yeah. - Unbelievable cutlery.

Can I just say,

because obviously it's fascinating discussing the cutlery...

Yeah, you just don't appreciate good cutlery.

..it's so great to meet you at last, Amanda.

At last!

No, I didn't mean...

Second time you've said it.

Yes. No, it's...yeah.

It's been a while.

Lisa's like, "How long are you going to take to introduce her?"

Well, we're here now, so...

Let's have a drink to celebrate.

Ah, Lisa's like, "Cut the chat! Get me a drink!"

Lisa's always the first one to the bar, aren't you?

If he doesn't get there first.

Ah! There she is!

So, what are we thinking?

Some red, some white...?

Do you prefer sweeter, drier...?

Great, yeah.

New world? Old world?

Amanda knows basically everything about wine.

No, I... I did a course.

We...we just normally get whatever's cheap.

Cool. Doesn't sound like you.

Any bubbles to start?

I'll just have whatever you're having.

- Cheap date. - That's literally the only reason I married her.

Blanc de noirs? Blanc de blanc?

- I'll be OK with wine. - Yeah, me too.

I've been drinking too much champagne.

A lot of champagne!

That is one problem I'd very much like to have.

Yeah. Not a problem I think me and Lisa would have.

Yeah! True, true.

Yeah, we'd be round the back with a bottle and a couple of straws!

Well, you can't go wrong with a Bordeaux, so...

Yes, absolutely.

What do you... What do you mean "Yes, absolutely"?!

I love a Bordeaux.

OK.

Everybody knows I love a Bordeaux.

I'm like, I'm Bordeaux this, Bordeaux that.

I'm Bordeaux Dave.

Do you know where the...?

Yeah, it's on the other side of the bar.

Do you need a hand with anything?

What would she need a hand with?

What would she need a hand with?

You never know!

You married people are hilarious.

I love a Bordeaux.

Yep, OK. Sorry.

I mean, Jesus.

SHE SNIFFS

It's such an interesting texture.

They actually make it on the premises.

- Do they? - They use ancient grains.

Oh, the way it just comes apart in your hands.

That'll be the ancient grains.

Excellent.

Oh, hey. We saved you some bread.

- Thank you. - They use ancient grains.

Dave's an expert in grains now.

That's literally not...

I knew you'd be like this.

Have we ordered?

Er, no. We were waiting for you.

Great.

- I'm starving. - Mm!

I can put it on my work card!

I'm fine, honestly.

They'll...they'll never know.

You already... He...he's already started the meter!

It was nice, though.

Yeah.

Nice of her to order champagne and a rack of lamb,

then make us split the bill.

Yeah.

Do I need it?

Garlic.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, we'll blame the garlic.

I didn't really get that Dave's the love of her life.

He's way more into her than she's into him.

Like, that happens.

You like me way more than I like you.

True.

It is good that we know now that like, despite everything,

we can still do these things.

We can still go out, have a good night.

Put it all behind us.

Stay positive.

I'm always suspicious...

I'm always suspicious when someone needs to make jokes.

Yeah, he's a bit... Not simple, but...

All the banter, the laughter.

He's hiding something so dark.

I feel sorry for Lisa.

He wanted to follow her to the toilet!

Yes!

And the Bordeaux!

I love a Bordeaux!

You're Bordeaux Dave.

Right?!

- They don't call you that for nothing. - I've been to France!

You don't have to laugh when he laughs at you.

I do.

All good?

Yeah. You?

Yeah, really good.

Really good, actually.

Can I get you anything?

I'm good.

It's a lovely day outside.

Nice bit of sunshine.

Yeah, I know.

It helps you stay positive.

Shall I open the curtains?

Er...

Nah.

Fancy going outside for a bit?

I'm good.

It never gets any smaller.

THEY CHUCKLE

I was thinking, we could go to the cinema this evening.

We could...see what films are on.

Have something to eat.

And then...we could go bowling this weekend.

Er, or crazy golf.

Feed the ducks.

I bought some Soleros.

Or we could go for a walk...

..in the park. Take a frisbee.

Because you're so good with a frisbee.

HE CHUCKLES

All right in here?

Yep.

Your toast's popped up.

Oh, great. Thank you.

What are you going to have on it?

Don't know yet.

Exciting.

Yeah.

Let's do it.

I'll take the day off work.

I'll say I'm ill again.

Seriously, I need a new pair of trainers.

You don't need any new trainers.

No, we...we could spend the day at Westfield.

Have some lunch.

Yeah.

There's those, er...

There's those people there who give you a massage.

Urgh.

Strangers' hands all over you!

Do a bit of shopping?

Yeah, nice.

How long have we been meaning to get an air fryer?

We can do this.

Oh, Jesus.

This isn't going to change us.

There'll be a time in our lives when we don't cry about an air fryer.

HE CHUCKLES

There'd better be.

You all right?

Fantastic.

You?

Yeah.

Really good.

We can do this.

# Now each word bursts like a volcano

# Cos there's nowhere else for this love to go

# I grabbed a keyboard and a microphone

# Cos there's nowhere else for this love to turn

# And I

# I just can't believe

# I've found someone the same as me. #

Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0