All language subtitles for 4. Bloody Books_track2_[eng]_DELAY -21ms

First horror novel really is the Bible.

It's certainly the first locust novel.

As far as I'm concerned, there is only
one horror writer, Garth Merengue.

You know, by here.

A bit more. A bit further.

By the end.

That's what this kind of stuff is. What
I hope that my fiction achieves now is

more of the slight chill.

You know, the kind of...

You know, for example, if that was Dawn
Waters, you know, rather than... I would

hope that it would be right.

Really?

But hang on, I thought... And

if I can achieve that, then I will die a
very happy

man. Shakespeare was a horror writer.
Shakespeare dealt in the realms of the

fantastique, as does Garth. They're both
imaginers. They're both ferrymen.

They both explore worlds. That's what
they do.

I have no truck with snobbery at all. To
me, it's all the same.

Literature, porno, dog racing. And the
way that he writes, you know, those

nightmares down, is almost childlike.

And that's what makes it frightening for
me.

It's like if you, a young son, you know,
or a daughter, and they come bursting

into your room, you know, one in the
morning, screaming and crying.

They've had this awful nightmare.

And you say, what happened?

And they say, oh, this man came down
with dish mops on his head, and blah,

blah, blah, blah. Do you know what I
mean? It has a certain, you know...

certain horror than if I was to wake up,
you know, my girlfriend and say,

listen, I just had a nightmare.

This man came down from the sky with a,
I don't know, pitchfork, stuck me up the

arse with it.

Next thing I knew I was, I don't know,
on someone's tongue.

Jeremy, you wouldn't give a shit.

That's, that's it.

Garth has made a lot of people read a
lot. I mean, most people who read

books hate reading.

Garth makes people who hate reading,
read.

And they won't read anything good, but
they'll read Garth.

I will generally put in punctuation.

I see that as my job.

Garth does one draft.

He doesn't want to dull it by constantly
revising. He'll do one draft, and he'll

often elect to omit punctuation. That's
his call.

I will put in commas.

I won't put in semicolons. This isn't
Joyce.

I will omit dashes. Again, this isn't
French writing.

I will make sure that sentences start
with capital letters, that's what

called. I will make sure the book is
long enough, or should I say thick

That could be a question of adding more
words, it could be a question of making

the paper thicker.

Depends what we've got time for.

I, in consultation with Garth, will view
the cover.

Are there too many skeletons on this
cover?

Is this skull big enough?

Could we fit more maggots on?

Should bits of this book be pop -up?

questions like that.

So it is creative.

Horror is dead.

I beg your pardon?

What did you just say?

You should stop writing... No, no, no,
no, no. You said horror is dead. Horror

is dead. No, horror's not dead, my
friend.

You're dead. You're dead inside.

If you think horror's dead, you're dead
inside.

Horror's not dead at all.

Horror's alive. Here I am. The horror
genre, I think, is in a lot of trouble

the moment in the fact that it's been...

made pretty obvious to me that nobody's
buying the books anymore.

I mean, Slyther, Garth's first novel,
sold over a million copies.

His last novel sold 173 copies.

Mail order.

And it was mail order only.

My books did not sell 173 copies last
run.

London Fiends sold 219 because some of
those were mail order.

173 was after the returns came back.

Last run of Garth's books.

he was able to give every reader a free
jumbo mug, and that's demeaning.

Salman Rushdie doesn't have to give
everyone a free jumbo mug.

I mean, the literature sells itself by
and large, although a mug wouldn't go

amiss from Salman.

People aren't buying videos.

The kind of films that are made of
spoof.

So it's really possibly had its day.

I love working with women.

Well, hang on, let me rephrase that.

I admire the women I work with. Let me
rephrase that.

I will work with women.

Just because I fall out with every woman
that I work with doesn't mean I don't

love working with women.

I love working with women. And if women
work the way I love, then we'd get on

like a house on fire. But the trouble is
women have a different way of working

to me.

They do not like anything I like.

I've been criticised for only employing
women at Devil Press, even for heavy

lifting. Now, I work better surrounded
by beautiful women.

Yeah, that's one thing you cannot bounce
back from.

You can be a boozer, OK? You can, you
know, even drink, you know, drink dry

these days.

If you're a sex pest, you're finished.

There's nowhere else to go. You can't be
an actor after that. You can't go back

on the TV.

You're a sex pest and you're through.

Best thing to do is to piss off to Spain
or something.

That's what I'd do, I think.

You've had trouble at Deans with
underage girls. Yes, I have, I have,

right.

The main problem has been... I
personally believe that, really, from 13

and up... ..turn the other way.

It's not a popular view, I know.

Most older women put up with a lot of
nonsense, I've found. Younger women

days certainly do not.

And I can vouch for this.

It's quite funny now I think back, but a
few weeks ago I had a blazing row with

my young girlfriend.

I called her father a thief, which in
actual fact he is. You know, there was

argument there.

She took huge offense to that. Didn't
say anything that night.

Anyway.

Next morning, she poured scorching
coffee on me.

OK? Now, most men would have gone
through the roof of that.

Got up, I put my trousers on, grabbed
the car keys and I went on holiday.

OK? And since then, she's mellowed and
it's been fine.

I personally believe that girls who lie
about their age, and I'm talking about

14, 13 -year -olds here, should be
imprisoned.

Or certainly sent to some kind of
corrective institution.

Because they're playing with fire.

And if you play with fire, little girl,
you're going to get burnt.

Gus, I know you once said one of the
most beautiful things someone said to

was that they'd actually climaxed while
reading one of your books. That's right,

yeah. It was me. I said that to you,
didn't I?

I write themes about making love.

Now, some people might think that's just
titillation. It's not screwing, it's

making love. It's making love.

And can I just say, you've not made love
until you've made love to Mr Jean

-Michel Jarre. Well, that's true. It's
like making love underwater, but, you

know, with more control.

In the sex scene, a phrase I do like is
her dock, because that's got a nautical

theme that I feel fits in with the dock,
with the saltiness of the entire

endeavour. Her dock, my ferry.

Yeah.

Wet dock is too much, and I've seen
someone do that. That's pushing it. Stop

dock.

I've read someone refer to it as a
harbour, and I thought that was too

Well, that, you know, that sounds more
vampiric, certainly.

It just sounds like you're going to be
mauled there for a couple of days.

Yeah.

Let's move on, because I don't want to
talk... You know, it can be sordid. I'll

make love all day. I won't talk about
making love all day.

I'll make love for as long as I can,
Lisa.

Which actually is quite a long time by
the time I manage to get anything going.

All right, all right, all right.

You've started him off. It's a sad, sad
day. I don't want to hear about it

anymore. I don't want to hear about it,
please. Let me tell you, it is a sad

day. I know it's a sad day. It's a sad
day for Dean.

A sad day for Dean.

When I had to say, love, get a cab, it's
not happening.

No woman has survived in any one of the
last three books of yours.

Beg pardon?

Well, the women always buy it. The women
do not buy it. They die heroically.

Do you think that's going to be a
problem when you're trying to... Look,

right, we're talking about London
things. I presume you're talking about

story about the wasp priestess.

Yeah. Okay, all right, so the wasp
priestess dies, but she was evil.

Okay, so does that count as a woman?
She's half wasp. So shall we say I'm

knocking the wasps?

Shall we say that? All right, I'm
knocking the wasps as well then. I'm

the wasps and I'm knocking women.

Okay?

The female woman in that, the heroine
for the two...

Two women in that book, for a start,
well, half woman, half wasp priestess.

If you include the wasp priestess,
that's half woman, half wasp. So you've

one and a half women in that book, all
right, who show a hell of a lot of

spirit, who are feisty, who can get the
job done.

The wasp priestess, I mean, you've
really got to read some

books, my friend. You have no idea.

It is true that a lot of the female
characters do end up dead in Darkplace,

if you look at their, you know, their
character, they're not all what they

Broccoli woman, she appears, you know,
on first look to be a perfectly

beautiful, healthy young lady.

She's not. She's made of broccoli.

You know, she's hiding something.

I'm not saying that sex is the cause of
their death.

I'm not saying it's because they have
sex that they die. I'm saying they have

sex and then they die.

Put it this way.

When you are making love, everything is
potent,

okay?

You probably won't know that, but take
it from me, all right?

When you're busy doing it...

Everything's potent.

You are raised to the highest pitch of
experience, okay? You're at a knife edge

the whole time.

You know, it's a knife edge as to
whether or not you're going to... I

that. Put it this way, you're out of
control.

Or can be out of control. Now, all I'm
saying is that at such extremes, the

chances are you're going to do something
stupid like die.

Afterwards. I grew up in this shit.

Yeah? I could tell you about all kinds
of shit. I can tell you about horse

manure, I can tell you about dog poop.

I can tell you about human excrement
too.

Because I've seen it. And I've smelt it.
And I've talked to the guys who made

it.

So up yours.

Pal.

I work a 24 -hour day. I dream.

I get up at around 9, read the paper
till 10, breakfast till 11,

and then there's a bit of admin I need
to do. And then I hit the typewriter at

about quarter to 12, and then I break at
half one for lunch, which Pam usually

makes.

And then we'll go into town during the
afternoon.

I might...

read a bit in the afternoon and then
it's really dinner and then it's you

thinking about dreaming again it's nice
to be back in the black leather

what do you mean back in the black
leather well on dark place you wore a

doctor's cape i've always liked black
leather i like uh i like

the buffalo i like cows i like that food
group and um

You know, I like to wear what I eat, in
a way.

There's always a roast in our house,
either on the table hot with gravy on

stove or in the fridge cold and ready
for the slice.

They often say to people, you've got a
sweet tooth.

With me, they say, you've got a meat
tooth.

And they're right.

I love meat.

Pam loves meat. The children don't love
meat, but that's what we cook them.

And until they can afford to buy their
own vegetarian food, they're just going

to have to lump it.

You use humour brilliantly.

Thank you.

And, I mean, how do you write such funny
jokes?

Oh, well, if I hadn't been a horror
writer, I think I'd have been a, you

sort of musical comedian type.

I'm very funny in conversation.

People love what I say, they find them
very funny. I'm just blessed with a

natural wit.

Sorry,

do you try your jokes out on anyone? I
don't have to.

They just come naturally. I do try them.
If I find a joke that works, I'll

repeat it.

I don't have to try them out. I mean, I
know they're going to work.

You've got a very funny anecdote about
your first pet.

I used to take him for walks up the road
and I used to let him off the leash

and he'd run into the mud and he'd get
muddy and he'd get dirty and he'd be

barking and I'd have only just cleaned
him earlier, you know.

And he'd come back and he'd be thinking,
because he'd been rolling in, God knows

what, probably cow turd, something like
that.

And I remember one day he came bounding
back and I said, get away, I'm not

getting anywhere. I ducked out the way
and he tried to hump a child.

And we nearly had him put down.

I grow bloody sick of how many times,
how many bloody letters I have penned

sent off.

and received no reply to.

So this was always a kind of... to the
government.

Sorry, what are you upset about, Garth?
The fact that they never replied to me.

Who?

Them.

Who have you been writing to? The
people.

The people who hide it from us.

Oh, what, the government? Yes.

I'm not going to call them that because
I don't believe they govern.

You've got a funny theory about who is
running the country. I certainly have.

Who's that?

Right.

Garth has many strange theories.

Broccoli coming from space is just one.

I don't like broccoli. I don't eat it as
a rule.

It's very fashionable now to eat.

It could easily come from space.

I'm sure that's nonsense.

Not many people know this, but there's a
theory going around that wasps were...

the originators of life on this earth.
We actually come from wasps.

There's a part of wasp in all of us.
However, there are some pure people who

of this earth. I think I'm from this
kind who view the wasp as our clan

So I see myself as a crusader, a
vigilante against them. They're

creatures. They're very evil too. And
they think. It's a hive mind.

We're all part of a hive mind. Did you
know that? We are.

I know that you have a chill corner in
your house.

What have you done there?

It's very simple.

And if you're a serious student of the
fontostique, you'll take heed.

You take a corner of your house and you
have your chilli books there and you sit

in your chair and you can pick up a
candelabra probably for about a couple

quid now if you go to one of these
garden places.

Put that beside you. Black candles.

Make sure you've got some extinguisher
or something should there be an

And I recommend the music of Iannis
Exarnis, Bohor 1. Put

that on and I guarantee you a nightmare.

Do you think that's a thing many people
in the world are trying to achieve?

No.

I think Garth, in terms of calibre of
artist, will be remembered up with the

very best.

He'll be remembered in the same breath
as Rick Astley.

He'll be remembered in the same
breath...

as Maureen Littman.

I would like my remains scattered among
the

tables of my club.

And what does Garth want them to hear?

Garth wants to have his remains blown
out of a medieval horn.

I am self -taught.

In fact, I've made it a point of honour
never to learn anything from anyone

else. My mother, God rest her, even
though she's alive, but let's make sure

God helps her get some rest, brought me
up on her own, worked a number of jobs.

She was a quick fit fitter, she was a
pool cleaner, and she was a taxidermist.

And she did taxidermy night.

If there was a rush job on a stuff, she
would be called in.

And that's just the nasty stuff that's
getting the gristle out, that's getting

the bone out, that's getting the innards
out.

And she would do that through the night,
come back, clean a pool, get down quick

fit, and then same again.

Nice to see you both, gentlemen.

Hello. Oh, it's good to be seen, Paul.

You've been a team for a long time.

Yeah, too long. Let's talk about how
that first happened.

Well... Why Dean Garth? Well, he... Why
not?

I knew who he was because he was making
the papers from a very early age, and I

was only 15, 16.

The magazine that I was working on was
called Dude, and it changed its name to

Feather.

More English.

And it was a mixture of erotica and
fantastique stories. I got a story by

Garth Marenghi, writing under a
pseudonym at that time, so I didn't know

was, called Face Bottom.

I read it, and I thought, there's
something here.

Not only is this a very haunting story
about a guy whose face is literally half

the bottom, but it's also an allegory of
the Biafra conflict.

This is very exciting, isn't it?

Let's give him a call.

Come into the office, please.

Came into the office, met, got on, and
he just signed my chest.

We never had anything written. He signed
my chest right there and then.

In retrospect, I should have got
something in writing.

It was... Hubris on my part.

But we've never looked back. We parted
briefly, Garth and I, in the 80s.

Garth for a while thought that he could
do better with another manager.

And that manager died.

And then he came back to me.

I wanted to stand for Parliament because
I believe that there is a voice yet to

be heard in politics.

That is the voice of the liberated man.

I got seven votes.

in total, which is a shame because I
know more than seven people.

Society deems driving drunk
unacceptable.

That's the society we live in. So we
have to accept those rules.

What do you think about it?

I am personally capable of controlling a
car no matter what level of

intoxication I'm up to. That's a gift I
have.

At the moment, the law denies me from
exercising that gift.

I've had a lot of trouble with
censorship in my life.

I don't believe in censorship.

I don't believe in self -appointed
judges.

I don't believe in judges.

I don't really believe in appointments.

My style is an eclectic mix.

Some of it comes from 20s golf. Some of
it comes from Al Capone.

Some of it comes from the future.

And some of it comes from feeble
landlords.

I've been smoking cigarettes since I was
12. But you've never smoked a

cigarette? No.

I don't want to get cancer.

Where did the cap angle come from?

This is how a man wears a cap.

I mean, I could put it flat on, but, you
know, I'm not a potato farmer.

It looks slightly, slightly camp.

Slightly camp?

Yeah. Well, that's your call, friend.

Erm... I don't think it looks camp.

I think if you, er, speak to people who
know me, I'm nothing if not camp.

Thanks very much. Thank you very much.
It's a shame to end on that tone.

It's quite a shame, because I was
enjoying that, and you've conjured it.

Never mind.

Dean!

It's like any art form, there's a lot of
sitting around.

You know, one gets, you know, dependent
on certain things.

I started to drink, you see, in 1979 and
things got worse up until about,

I'd say, 1994.

The work kind of dried up and I became,
I think, a bit of a joke due to my own.

Bad behaviour, I would imagine.

They simply don't make parts for people
like Todd anymore.

The parts got smaller.

That's what happened, and he's got
bigger.

I did have to file for bankruptcy.

Bankruptcy is not such a bad thing.
People have this stigma about

I mean, it's there to actually protect
one. The thing is, if you're not on

something which is on BBC One, BBC Two,
ITV, whatever, then people think that

you've died.

OK, I've done a lot of theatre.

Things, you know, for no money, which I
thought was good. What can you throw at

me now? I've been imprisoned.

I've been bankrupt.

I haven't worked for many a long year.
I've been dropped from every single

record company that I was with.

Do you know what I mean? What else have
you got?

I suppose you could say that I'm a sex
pest.

That's about the only thing left.

You won't get any proof on anything like
that.

The question is, would I want to know
the real me?

Who knows that?

I don't want to appear bitter about any
of this because, you know, that's a very

easy way out.

I'm not bitter at all.

But, you know, certain things do really
get me down.

I tend to sort of change my opinion on
acting the older I get, but there are a

few rules that I've stuck to.

from, you know, basically from day one.

It is like beats. Acting is like beats.
Standing on the stage is the best kind

of training an actor can ever get. Try
telling that, you know, that to an actor

now, you know, they'll think, you know,
you're a fool.

All right then, Mr. Samson from
EastEnders or whatever, you know, get

on, you know, stage in front of 500
people. That's how many you can get on

stage these days. I doubt even that.

And, you know, reach the man right at
the back of the hall, you know, and at

same time keep the intimacy for, you
know, the first row.

You know, that's not easy.

Can't learn that kind of thing on TV,
I'm afraid.

The thing that I normally do is, I mean,
I think of myself as being a human drum

kid.

I can actually play the drums, which
makes it much easier to describe to you.

So it's as if...

I'm either sad at the drum kit, and I'm
going...

And you're keeping up with the, usually
4 -4. 4 -4 is much easier, because other

people know what 4 -4 is. Once you start
to, you know, change and waltz and

things, people don't know where the fuck
they are.

So, you keep it, say 4 -4, and you, uh,
and you say the lines.

Something like, Scotch Mist?

What's Scotch Mist?

If somebody like Michael came, his beat
would be obviously very simple and would

be a... Where it's just, you know, like
a march,

if you like.

Whereas somebody like... Who do I like?

Christopher Walken, for instance.

He would have something completely
different, more of a...

You see what I mean?

What about Garth and Dean?

Garth and Dean?

They wouldn't be aware of any beats or
any kind of style at all.

Garth would just be...

Dean's would be...

Just imagine somebody mentally retarded
sat with a drum kit. Imagine the noise

that they would make.

That's what you got with Dean, I think.

A good actor, I think, is always
somebody who is very easy on the eye. I

just mean, you know, looking good. I
mean, in terms of easy to watch.

But at the same time has a kind of edge.

You're not quite sure what they'll do
next.

And that's all down to timing.

I could read the same lines to you in
three or four different ways, and I

pretty much guarantee you'd only
remember one of the actual performances.

I could read two flat and two, you know,
how I would normally do them.

That's all it is.

The words, I think, are pretty much, I
wouldn't say immaterial, but

it is all about speech patterns, gaps
that you leave, air, you know, that you

take, that kind of thing.

Very, very short line, but it meant so
much, you see.

And your sort of current young 23 -year
-old PV actor would probably

read that in the cab on the way to the
job. That would be the first time he'd

have actually seen that, I think.

Got on set, stood against his opposite,
waited for, I don't know,

probably a second to make sure that the
camera was back on him or whatever, and

then would give you a reading.

You and he were buddies, weren't you?

Looking at him.

Which is always a very, very selfish way
to act, but it's what I see every day

now. You and he were buddies, weren't
you?

Sort of thing. As opposed to possibly
looking at the door, which I believe the

thing was, looking back at him.

Back at the door.

You and he were buddies, weren't you?

Need I say more?

Need I say more?

I mean, I turned on, what was it the
other day, that bloody awful

cogniso, what's that called?

Yeah, and the most ugly, disgusting
looking people, men and women, this fat

bloke, I haven't got a clue what his
name was, red in the face. I had to turn

the bloody thing, I couldn't hear a word
he was saying.

And it was all that type of thing.

And then this Cockney Sparrow, like
young Barbara Windsor type, dyed black

looked like a fucking raven, near
enough.

And, you know, this is supposed to be,
you know, serious stuff. I never seen

anything like it. It was like a
pantomime, my friend.

Really awful.

And I understand 12 million people
actually turn on to that every single

Is it on every day? I imagine it is now.
You know, most of these things are.

It was. It was like a, I don't know,
like a modern day freak show.

You know, that's what you've got to
basically contend with. I'd rather

bow out gracefully.

Thank you very much. Thank you.