Original subtitles

Okay, this is a good one. Would you rather be your current height or three

tall, but you can dunk?

You know I want to get outside.

There's a car crash out there. What?

What is going on?

Oh,

every bone in my body is broken and my lungs have popped.

Why, oh, why was I texting my chopped unk once?

Driving under the influence.

Oh, oh, no, no, oh, snap.

Good morning, Abbott Elementary. We're here for the Philadelphia Fire

Department. Friends against drug exposure and the story samurai.

And we're here to teach you about fire safety.

Rap about the dangers of drugs and improvise about texting and driving. But

safety is not a laughing matter.

Or is it?

It is not.

Because it's a dancing matter.

What the hell is going on?

The district combined all the safety presentations for the year into one day

save money.

Okay, guys, very good.

Moving inside, guys. Come on.

All right, so check it.

We're going to be going classroom to classroom, and at the end of the day,

all meet back up here and recap what we learned about safety.

And now, Abbott, you are no strangers to having firemen around here.

So nice to see Captain Robinson, especially when it's not my fault.

I just can't believe he's this awake.

We were up till 4 in the morning.

I have my own sleep issues to deal with, thank you.

I've been taking this new miracle pill named melatonin, and while it has been

helping me sleep, it has been giving me the most vivid dreams that I cannot make

sense of.

I think I'm trying to tell me something.

Principal Coleman will choose a teacher to expire in a texting and driving

accident. They cannot talk for the rest of the day, not even to other adults.

There is no other way to teach you this lesson.

I feel like there is.

This feels dark for an elementary school.

It absolutely is, but unfortunately, because of budget cuts, all elementary,

middle, and high schools now get the same presentation.

So, Ms. Coleman, what teacher do you choose to stalk these halls, bumming

everyone out?

So one of y 'all got to pretend to be Mr. C all day?

You know, you can choose another teacher to make fun of sometimes.

Well, I hope you're okay with those being your last words, because you're

I choose Gregory.

I didn't do anything. No talking!

You did.

Huh?

Because texting L -M -A -O -O -O was more important than watching the road.

FYI, you also hit a horse. Oh, Gregory.

Put this on.

Suddenly, I'm sailing, and Gerald is a baby strapped to the mast, and the

won't work.

Boring! No dream talking to teacher's lounge, Barb. Yeah, this is where dreams

go to die.

Certainly didn't expect this news today.

Okay, well, hold on now.

Babies mean rebirth.

So, am I at a rebirth? Is Gerald at a rebirth?

Or do we need a new car?

Happy birthday to you.

Happy birthday to you. It's no one's birthday. I just needed your attention.

Look at this.

Hiya. I'm Tina Schwartz, running for West Philly...

51st District Board of School Commissioners Liason Representative.

What's Liason? It's liaison. She doesn't even know the position's name. Wait a

minute. Isn't that that former Abbott teacher that kicked a student? Exactly.

I'm Tina Schwartz, and I approve of your approval for this message.

She's completely unqualified.

I mean, can you believe this? No, I can't. How'd you find something I care

less about than Barb's dream?

Barb, Melissa, care to weigh in on this miscarriage of democracy?

Jacob, I have never even heard of the board of the commissioners of whatever

heck it is. It's 51st District, which is exactly us and three other schools.

No one cares about this position, hon.

Well, Mr. J, it looks like it's up to us to stop this villain -ass takeover. No

time for our usual shenanigans, Jacob.

Gregory drove his car into a horse, and I got a sub.

Janine will know what to do. Oh, but she's in mourning.

Oh, wait, but that's not real.

That's a great question. If I had to put it into words, I'd probably say...

Okay, if you don't get up there and start your

presentation, I'm gonna set myself on fire.

Please don't. This school is so flammable.

Plus, it wouldn't reflect very well on the Philadelphia Fire Department's

battalion chief.

Newest what now?

Getting a promotion I found out this morning. Won't be official until the

swearing -in, but if you wanted to start calling me Chief Robinson, yeah, that'd

turn me on quite a bit. So you're going to be in a suit?

Well, no, it's a tucked -in shirt, but on Fridays I can go Hawaiian.

No more climbing ladders to pull kitties out of trees, right? Cats get

themselves into those messes, they can get themselves out.

So I thought to celebrate, I'd get a bottle of champagne and reactivate my

Max account for the month. Yeah, no, that sounds great. All right. Yeah.

That's what Molly felt like the first time?

Every time after that, though, it's been... I better get up there. Okay,

thank you, Slemethy.

Yeah, for that, thank you. It's good to know we finally won the war on drugs.

Okay, everybody, take out your homework. We're going to go over the stuff that

we were talking about.

Why are you talking?

You killed a horse.

All right, class.

Now that Mr. Eddie is Mr. Daddy, Mr. Johnson will be taking over.

Ava, I think that's... Mr.

Eddie is breaking the rules.

Now, I hate to speak ill of the deceased, but everything Dadger Brony

teaching you is trash.

All right, class.

You're a good hand.

Jean! Yeah?

Did you see that campaign video I sent?

Yes. Got my vote.

What? Did you even click the link?

No. Well, that maniac Tina Schwartz is running for district leader.

Look, look at her Facebook post about it. Oh, my God.

She is still updating her status. What does it go?

Yeah, but look at her platform.

She thinks we don't need a consensus clause.

What the hell is that? I think I know.

Well, look, it says she's hosting a town hall over lunch. Maybe you could go.

Oh, my God, yes.

All I have to do is inform the electorate of her incompetence and her

will sink itself.

Whew, okay.

I feel better already.

Democracy has never been more alive.

Thanks, guys.

Okay. Yes. Quick follow -up. What does it mean in a dream if you are on fire

cold?

Sorry, Barb, you're on your own.

Hey there, honey bear.

Hey, I gotta go to the next presentation, but how about I grill us

steaks to go with our bubbly time?

Oh, are you sure you're still allowed that close to an open flame?

Well, I can tell you this much.

Captain Robinson grilled flank steaks.

Chief Robinson...

Grills ribeyes. Oh, what time should Gerald and I join you?

Okay, just kidding.

Barb, I'd invite you.

Let me know.

Melissa, that man is a treasure.

He's got star power, safety know -how, and he is absolutely smitten with you.

Yeah, I'm gonna dump him.

Okay, you're gonna dump who exactly?

Because I know it's not that fine fireman who was in love with you.

Barb, he got that promotion.

He's basically gonna be a fire accountant.

Melissa, you can't really be upset at the man for getting a promotion.

No, I'm happy for him, but what's he gonna do? He's gonna sit at a desk, do a

bunch of paperwork, teach people?

The hell kind of life is that?

Okay.

Before you extinguish that fire, you better make sure it's dying down the way

you think.

Come on.

Talk to the man.

You two have been together a long time.

Yeah, you're right. I own that. That's good advice. Thanks, Barb. You're

welcome. A coyote gave it to me in a dream.

All right, class.

Oh, whoa.

Hey, Jacob Hill from Abbott. Oh, wow.

Gosh.

Oh, good to see you. Have a cookie. Heck.

Take a couple. I took them from our break room. They're from Monday.

It's Friday.

It is. Where is everybody? Why aren't issues being discussed and or debated?

Since I'm running unopposed, this is technically a formality. Or, no,

technicality. Well, if you don't mind, I have a few questions about your

platform. Platform?

Making me sound like an influencer?

Yes. Okay.

What are your election questions?

What is your stance on the consensus clause?

The Tim Allen movie?

I'm not really into body horror.

What do you think about the current student -to -crossing guard ratio?

That's a trick question.

I don't see ratio.

Okay, and just one more. Do you even know what the 51st District Board of

Commissioners Liaison Representative even does?

And how are you pronouncing that?

Why are you even running for this? It seems like you don't care about it at

All my friends have kids now, so I need something to fill my time.

This was fun, you little girl master. If no one else in the audience has any

questions, though, then I think it's a pretty good time to call it. Lots to

think about.

It's great to see you.

Vote for me.

I'm not going to lie to you. None of your names have great SEO.

Knock, knock.

Howdy, y 'all.

I know this class has been through a lot today, so are we ready to talk about

how improv can solve everything?

Hey, Gregory, I need to talk to you. It's very important.

Okay, settle a debate me and the second graders are having. Would you rather be

a normal human being or you have superpowers but you always have to go to

bathroom? The kids are saying that. Random reminder.

is strictly off limits today because of the bad choices he made. Thank you.

I thought she said she took the cameras out of you. She's right. Stop talking to

him. Sorry.

Mr.

Eddie, what happens when people die for real?

Okay.

Yeah, I'm actually not mad at this. I don't have to answer any wild questions

from the kids. I mean, Where was safety day when Mira asked me what a BBL was?

Right on.

I went to Tina Schwartz's town hall. She wasn't prepared for a single question.

Tell me, when you picture the 51st District Board of School Commissioner's

liaison representative, do you picture her?

Right. You can't talk.

But you can listen.

If someone would just run against her, they would win. Easy.

My God, of course.

Why can't I be the one who asks Janine to run?

Great idea, Gregory.

Hey, while I've got you, settle in.

Elijah and I got into another fight about ethical shrimping.

This is actually so bad.

Hey, that's my little firecracker. Feels like I barely see you all day. You

hiding from me? What are you thinking?

This promotion.

That's like something you want, that's a done deal, or... Do you not want me to

be promoted?

No, I'm just... You have such a good thing going now. Like, you really,

helping people.

And you ride around the greatest city in the world on top of 50 ,000 pounds of

shiny red metal.

Swingin' axe, haulin' hose.

Be careful, there's kids here.

I'm just saying, why would you want to give that up? For what?

For signing paychecks? Shh!

That is a very small part of the job. I'm going to be assisting in organizing

the city's emergency response teams. Are you listening to yourself?

You want to be an assistant organizer?

Why would you want that? The danger would be gone.

Yeah, exactly. Would you prefer I kept a more dangerous, lower -paying job with

worse hours?

Of course!

Y 'all, this is a library.

I shouldn't have to tell this to a teacher and a fireman.

I really thought you'd be happy about this. I'm not sure what the problem is.

The problem is that I didn't sign up to be with a desk jockey.

Come on, my class. Let's go.

Hey,

Ava. How's your day?

Fine. Well, that's a relief because I'm having such a hard time not talking to

Gregory. We normally check in with each other throughout the day, but now I have

no idea if he enjoyed his lunch or not.

I also asked him a really hard would you rather. I have no idea would you

rather. It really goes to show you, you know, one day you're driving, and the

next day you hit a horse.

Hold that thought.

Tragic news, Abbott Elementary.

Another safety day accident.

Miss Teagues was texting and driving in her car caught on fire while on the way

to improv, and now she's gone.

No, kids, I'm here and I'm alive.

She was also doing drugs. Those were her last words.

Hey.

How'd the talk go with Captain Robinson?

I don't think he gets why I don't want him to take the promotion.

Honestly, neither do I.

Captain Robinson getting this promotion doesn't seem like it would change your

life at all.

Maybe not directly, but Barb, what if he wants me to slow down?

Because that ain't happening, Barb. I've lived a life of craziness, and that

crazy ain't stopping anytime soon.

And what about your lifestyle is going to change because of this man's

promotion?

He's not going to smell like burning buildings anymore.

Should I get him to start smoking?

Melissa, it seems to me that you are more concerned about your own future

you are his.

Maybe. Mm -hmm.

And now that I've helped you, it's your turn to help me.

Why would I be dreaming of a volcano filled with milk barbed at the sex tree?

But... Gang, gang, chat's low -key going off right now. Smile, Holmes. It's

filthy time.

Hey, freeze.

Okay, now using what we learned today, who spotted how my bro Harold messed up?

Anyone?

Janine. Come on, y 'all. Just the champion the 51st District's been

Gregory and I had an amazing convo earlier, and we think that you should

challenge Miss Schwartz for office.

Why not?

Look, I know you are not the hero we deserve, but you are the hero we need.

No talking!

Now, you were saying fire is bad, even though something that is fire is really

good?

Say more.

I don't know how I would.

Ava, please revive my friends. No. They made the choice to text and drive.

They were probably texting you.

Okay, you joke, but now I'm going to have to process that hypothetical guilt.

As 51st District members, what are we going to do?

I mean...

Can you imagine the damage that could happen if we let an unqualified lunatic

into a position of power?

Well, it's working out okay for this school.

Other places, not so much. Somebody's got to challenge her.

Why don't you do it?

Wait, are you mocking me, or do you really think I could do it?

Do what?

Uh -huh. You test my resolve, but maybe it could be me.

I mean, I do prefer grassroots, localized elections over state, and

say it, even federal politics.

Okay.

I'm gonna do it.

I have a campaign video to record.

Fellow teachers of the 51st District, my name is Jacob Hill, and I am asking for

your vote for District Board of School Commissioner's Liaison Representative.

If little Jacob could see me now, he would be thrilled.

And then he'd be like, we're gay? Do we have a boyfriend?

Is he hot? Tell me everything.

And I'd be like, oh my God, he's hot. You have no idea how hot he is. So

a long way of saying no.

Tech thing while doing drugs isn't technically illegal?

Well, the drugs part absolutely is.

In fact, and I know this isn't my section... Where have you been, Janine?

been looking for somebody, anybody to help me with my dreams.

Okay, so now, what does it mean if your teeth are falling out of my mouth?

Well, first of all... Ladies, please, I'm trying to do something here.

Why don't you go sit with the other irresponsible teacher in the back?

is random as hell. I have a friend who died when a helicopter landed on his

head. Is it possible you maybe hallucinated the situation while under

influence of drugs? No, I know what I saw.

Yo, Captain.

Hey, come on.

Hey, hey, hey, slow down, slow down.

Who, me? Yeah.

They thought me slowing down was creeping you up, Melissa.

Listen, I'm sorry I was weird about the promotion, okay?

It's just, you and me, we're fine.

I never know what we're gonna get up to next.

That's what I love about us.

You know, I just... I don't want that to change.

My crazy ass ain't changing.

It's just gonna be in a better chair.

Making more money.

And I was thinking about blowing on a Harley.

Really? Yeah, really. What do you think this is for? Oh, yeah, okay. Hell yeah.

I look great taking my helmet off. You look great doing everything.

Congratulations on your promotion.

I'm really proud of you.

I should have left with that.

Chief.

You're nuts, you know that.

Yeah, now you're getting it.

Eventually, I am flying over what seems to be the Divine Lorraine building, but

different. And then I wake up.

You said flying?

Yes. Yeah, that sounds like a little more to melatonin. Yeah, but I thought

with your studies in hallucinations that you might be able to help me understand

what it means.

I actually got to go.

I got somewhere to be at 420, so... Miss Howard, you were flying?

Yes, in a dream, which is something that nobody wants to hear about.

We want to hear about it.

Really?

Okay, let me set the scene.

So, I am free -falling and have been for 20, 30 minutes, and I

don't know what it means.

Maybe you're worried you're going to fall off the bed.

Cannot run another one by you.

Circles and X's, they're probably going to know things.

Oh, no.

Swart? What did you want to know at conservatorship? Not anymore.

I came down because I saw that campaign video that you posted on the district

website, and I just wanted to tell you that you screwed up because it says that

you're running for that thing that I'm running for. Well, the only thing

up is your election chances.

I am running against you for 51st District Board of School Commissioners

Representative. Ew.

Who told you to do that?

Good for you, Jacob.

Hey, why?

Because you are completely unqualified for the position.

Who cares?

Me. And I cannot in good conscience let you take that seat without a fair fight.

Well, then good luck, chump.

Because I always get into fight at the fair.

She looks great.

Getting out of this school was the best thing that ever happened to her.

Jacob, I'm very proud of you.

Even though, sweetheart, I have no idea what that position is.

Where have you been all day? He's running for mayor of Area 51.

He's probably going to be assassinated for it.

Okay. Okay.

All right, done for the day. I can get those

pennies back and you can talk now.

Not that you ever stopped.

Actually, I think we're okay being silent.

Oh, damn.

OK, I've been waiting to answer that would you rather all day. If I had to go

the bathroom all the time, but I was a superhero, one, how badly do I need to

go? And two, is it number one or number two?

Uh, hmm. Also, you've been wearing mismatched socks.

Oh, no. Those were on purpose.

Oh, my goodness.

These are the wrong socks.

You still here?

I just need to get the other.

Wow.

OK, number one, but with the threat of two.

I've been there.