All language subtitles for 1 1 Saturday.Night.Live.UK.S01E02.Jamie.Dornan.480p

In 1997, MI5's top agents gathered in
Thames House for a secret meeting.

This is that meeting.

Director, Prince Andrew is here for his
briefing, Your Majesty.

Thank you. I came as soon as I could.

Thank you, Your Majesty.

We appreciate that with the recent
passing of Diana, this is a difficult

for the family.

She was such a beautiful woman.

Prince Andrew, no one knows better than
us how charming, capable, fiercely

intelligent, and morally upstanding you
are.

You are credit to princes everywhere.

You're too kind.

Since the death of Diana, the public has
turned on Prince Charles. But still,

one day he will be king.

We need to make him look good.

There's no easy way to say this, Your
Highness. We have deduced...

that the only way to increase the
likability of our future king is to

the likability of everyone around him.

I see.

Well, I love my brother, I love my
country, and I'm willing to do whatever

takes.

We hope you'd say that.

We have prepared a 29 -year plan to
slowly but surely

make the entire country think you are
a... Well, have a little read.

Huh. It's a... Huh.

We're aware it's a lot.

And you actually want me to do all of
this stuff?

Sadly, yes.

Even the part about befriending a
notorious pedophile?

That's an important part of it, yes.

Before and after he's convicted, right,
okay.

Of course.

And there's absolutely no other way to
make my brother look good.

Well, we're also going to push an
environmental angle for him, but it will

half -assed.

This all seems very high -risk.

God, I'm sweating.

Of course you are, Andrew. Of course you
are.

But surely you can't make everyone
around Charles unlikable. I mean, what

William? He's so handsome.

We're seeing to that.

And Harry?

He's going to marry a woman 98 % of the
UK public will find it impossible to

have a normal conversation about.

Oh, heavens.

I'm afraid this will kill Mummy when the
news comes out.

Turn to page 72, it will.

Gosh, I'm afraid of doing this alone.
Isn't there anyone in government who can

go on a journey with me?

Send in Agent Madelson.

Gentlemen.

Peter Madison.

The most honourable, ethical politician
we have.

No one will believe he's corruptible.

I'm sorry, Andrew.

The responsibility on our shoulders is
more than any man can bear.

And are people going to think you did
all this stuff?

Kind of.

Well, for Britain, I'm in.

I'm in too.

Fuggy.

I'm late.

What do you need?

Nothing, Fergie. You've done so much
already.

What's she doing here? We got divorced a
year ago.

Agent Ferguson has been on the payroll
since 86.

You wouldn't believe how good she's made
you guys look by comparison.

I know. And I know I can do more. Go
further.

Be more odd.

I could drop more nudes. Suck more toes.

Make my walk even weirder.

that might help is if you stay by
Andrew's side.

Live with him without explanation for
the next 29 years.

Sure, I'm gonna do that anyway.

And remember, Your Highness, if you're
ever in too deep, just say the code word

and we'll step in to save you.

What's the code word?

Pizza. Express.

Woking.

I'm not sure how I'd ever fit that into
a conversation.

But I'll make it sound as natural as
possible.

Good man, good man.

Well, here goes nothing.

Gentlemen, thank you. And say goodbye to
the man you know and love.

I'll see you in 2026, where I can
finally hold my head up high and say,

As the first ever host of SNL UK, since
the first ever host of SNL UK, my

name is Jamie Dornan.

I'm the star of The Fall, the Oscar
-winning film Belfast, and of course,

your auntie's favourite dreams.

Now, over the years, you know, it's fair
to say you've all seen a lot of me.

And by that, I mean my arse.

But there is another part of me that
you've not seen.

So tonight, I've decided to

follow broadcast guidelines and keep it
that way.

But I will reveal something far more
intimate about myself.

Because I'm not just a sex symbol who
looks sexy in everything he does.

I am also a guy who collects rocks.

that looked like potatoes.

Bring them out, boys. Come on.

They're my girls.

Look at these gorgeous little things.
And no, this isn't a joke.

God knows I wish it was.

And if you Google Jamie Dornan, potato
rocks, you'll see that I'm

telling the truth.

Trust me, this is real.

I look for these when I'm on holiday.

I mean, this one looks exactly like a
chip.

You know, people say, well, you can't
care that much because you've only got

five.

Well, that's wrong.

If I cared less, I'd have way more. My
standards are like very, very...

Like, take this one, for example.

Can we get a close -up on this?

I mean, isn't she beautiful?

Seriously, this is who you want to sleep
with?

Happy, you rock.

Suck. I think they're suck.

Hang on, I recognise that voice. Is that
Chris O'Dowd?

That's right, it's me, your greatest
enemy and personal friend, Chris O'Dowd.

help but notice that you're showing off
your spud rocks again.

You pebbled slag.

Seriously, Chris, I mean, do you really
have to turn up in the middle of

everything I do and ruin it? Is that
what you want to do? Well, it seems that

maybe I do have to do that, Jamie.

Uh, okay. Um, I don't really, I mean,
what do you want?

Well, you are the man who's got
everything, huh? But maybe you don't

Maybe you're missing a little something.

You swapped one of my rocks for a
potato?

Yes, I did do that for some reason.

And here's the best bit, huh?

Smell it.

I'm not going to smell it. Smell my...

Right, it's not even Irish.

It's just domestic slop.

Okay, right, I'm sorry, I'm going to
have to deal with this. We've got a

one for you tonight.

Wolf, Alice are here, so stick around,
enjoy the show.

Right, come on, don't give me. Start
talking now.

Hola, amigos.

We out here in Bristol Airport, and we
are going.

In this beautiful place in the world, a
country of art, culture and culinary

delight. And when we get there, there's
only one place we're going to go.

I know a place that I gotta get to.
Package holiday, flying jet too.

Three euro beer, two euro shot. It's
just like the pub on my house but hot.

Alicante, Mallorca and Benidorm. I don't
wanna speak Spanish in any form.

In your purple shirt, in my carry -on.
So everybody knows I'm also from where

they are from.

Everything we need. Thank

you. Thank you.

They import the waters with my little
pie, yeah, that's where the pork is. HB,

Worcester, got all the sauces.

Made me so extravagant, I'm having four
courses.

Eggs, I did it. Pasta, I did it. Fingers
on the frozen garlic bread. And I did

it. Kneel down and trip you up. Now you
in the hip.

Some burnt ladies are twinging the hips.

Oh, we're going to Ibiza.

Me and all my chicas.

To eat some chips and pizza.

I know the great thing, Bob.

Why does Melissa look sad?

I don't know what you're saying.

What the f*** are you talking about?

Don't just make up words.

Guys, this isn't right.

We've come all this way just to
replicate our own culture.

Like, surely we should at least broaden
our horizon.

She's right. We're too narrow -minded.
There's got to be more to Spain than

British -themed pubs.

Hey.

I know, kid.

Follow me.

I've never tried paella, but I'm a lucky
fella because I own an

Irish bean pub.

I've got Amy.

She's alive and she stays that way if
you listen carefully.

I need 250 grand in cash.

So I guess how much do you care about
your girlfriend?

What? What?

Hi, sorry.

It's just... We haven't really been
saying girlfriend, boyfriend.

But I'm really comfortable with
everything else you've said so far. Shut

warning you.

I've got Amy.

She's alive.

And if you want to see your friend...
Oh, no, sorry.

Just to clarify, we are seeing each
other. Like, he's practically my

Yeah, you got it. You go. Go, go, go,
go, go.

I've got Amy.

She's alive. God, it would just
literally kill me if he knew I was

him as my boyfriend.

Okay, so, you're sleeping together?

Yeah, so basically, we... We were
friends first, and then we had this

But it was just this, like, drunk thing,
like, we didn't even speak about it,

which is, like, crazy. Like, you would
have thought, like, I'd have the

confidence to, like, just bring it up,
but, like, I'm not an extrovert, like,

what everyone thinks. Like, I'm hesitant
to join a conga line, for God's sake.

So, yeah, then, like, a few weeks later,
we randomly slept together, and then we

just, like, kept sleeping together, and
then you put me in the boot of your car,

and now we're here. So, like, what would
you decide?

Listen, when I was watching you, both
through the tiny crack in the wardrobe

door, I thought you looked really
comfortable together.

Oh, my God!

Girl, thank you for saying.

Like, I don't know, like, we do know
each other intimately, and, like, I

describe his handwriting to you.

Of course. I mean, this is an intense
situation.

I've got a gun.

I know I should just, like, not care,
but, like, he's so fit. Like, he's like

fit version of you.

I mean, hey, you don't have to tell me
twice. You know, I saw him when I was

creeping on you.

Okay, like, you can, like, totally say
if this is crazy, obviously, but, like,

do you think there's a way you could ask
him where his head's at?

Girl, I gotta ask for the money anyway,
so of course!

Just send it on my phone.

I probably should have taken that off
you before, huh?

So I'll text him?

No, we're not married, just Instagram
DM.

I have Amy.

I need to know.

Do you care about her?

Do you want her to be your girlfriend?

Do you have other girls to fall back on
if she goes missing?

I mean, what are your hopes for the
future?

Like, do you even want to have kids?

And once I know all that, I'll send
through the demands.

Oh, my God!

Is he nervous?

What if he airs me?

Hey, if he won't pay... If he won't pay
250 grand... to stop me from chopping

into little pieces, then he doesn't
deserve you. Oh, my God,

he's typing.

He stopped.

Oh, should I send him another text? No,
no, no, don't double -tag.

Maybe we should upload an Instagram
story of your little girl handing my boy

a... Oh, my God, OK, it's genius.

Oh, my God, he sent a video.

Yo, listen, I'm sorry that you were
being held hostage like that and all

and all that stuff, but I just feel like
I really need to be single right now.

Obviously, like, if you do escape, then
link me and I can... Babe, I'm coming.

Babe, oh, my God.

Oh, babe.

Oh.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God. I'm so sorry
that's happened to you, babe. Babe,

I'm sorry this has happened to you.
Like, you clearly put so much work into,

like...

this whole thing up. No, it's like, it's
so not on that I'm going to have to

kill you now. Babe, like, in the spirit
of being direct, like, I have taken your

gun.

Okay. But I am going to escape.

She's the CEO of her own future.

Promise me you won't go back to him.

Babe, I will.

It's three out of twelve in the morning.
What are you doing?

Putting the clocks forward, Daddy.

Daylight saving time.

If we don't change the clocks tonight,
he'll get us.

Who's going to get us, Eleanor? The time
man.

He waits for us at the end of every year
and brings the new one in with song.

He keeps the seasons in his pockets. The
keeper of the clocks. The boogie

-woogie man.

He brings the new year in with his
hooter nanny, and every spring he flies

across the country to check that we've
changed the clocks.

Oh, he's forgotten.

He's imprisoned our soul in this boogie
-woogie wonderland. I know all the

stories. Come on, let's get to bed,
okay?

It's too late.

He's here.

Who?

Ladies and gentlemen, Olivia Day!

Five,

four, better change of clocks, I'm
nearly here.

He wants his hour.

If we give him his hour, then he'll go.

Oh, very good. Bang on time.

Sting will be pleased.

He forgot the oven.

Where's my hour?

Big year for you, Dad. What's next?

I think he wants an anecdote.

Does it have to be funny?

Not really.

Tell the lovely people what's in store.

That's the open end.

That's it, everybody.

We love you. We welcome you.

More jewels?

Well, I'm not called Jewel Holland, am
I?

Ha -ha!

Ha -ha!

Jeffy J?

What are you doing?

I forgot to change the clocks on my DVD
player. Now the jewels are my soul.

You don't give me my hour. Why don't you
join me in my boogie -woogie

wonderland?

Not your dad.

Keep a step forward tonight.

Visit dad .eu .co .uk.

Okay,

just signing up, guys.

This is the big moment.

Mother and son reunited after years of
war. Okay, we've got some eye drops if

you need help with the crying.

I'm happy to give it a go without.

Yeah, me too. Okay, right. Well, let's
just go for one. See what happens. Yeah?

Rolling.

The battle within.

Take one.

So it's her line. Oh, sorry.

Sorry.

Yes. So Stella, a little quicker in on
the line. Yes, click on the line.

Okay, great. And remember, you're a
mother being reunited with her son.

Okay?

That's it. Okay, rolling.

I seem very different.

Well, I need to get a look at you to
answer that.

You look the same as ever.

Oh, God, I miss you, Mummy.

You know, I... I had the strange time
with you.

I met this old man.

Wow!

I was leaning in to listen. I was like,
what are you saying?

Okay. Yeah. So Stella, you're playing
his mother.

Yeah, yeah.

Okay. Do you think the skirt's maybe
like a little bit cinched for mum? Yeah,

I'm not worried about that. Yeah, yeah,
yeah.

Okay. We're losing time. Michael, we
really need to get that speech. Are you

happy to just go for it? Yeah, I'm
ready. Yeah, yeah. Okay. Stella, you

three actions from you. Okay? Okay.
Really almost nothing at all. Yeah.

We're still rolling.

All right. Just three actions.

Okay. Action!

I know I'm back, but in a sense, I'm not
really here.

The things I've seen, the things I've
done.

Mother.

My mother.

I've done some bad things. Oh, yes.

I mean, no, oh, no.

It keeps me up at night.

All night long, son.

I did some terrible things in the wall.

Oh, naughty.

You were so naughty in the wall.

I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

This is not working for me at all. Get
her out of here! No, no, no, no, I can

it, no, I can do it, I can do it! No,
no, my son, my baby son!

I thought there was a chance this might
happen. happen so don't worry we've

already got another actress lined up
ready to go come on oh my son what

is happening no wait i actually like
this one

My choice to choose, yeah. My choice to
choose, yeah!

And I don't have much from this prophet.

Wrote a scholar from the island that
those have for me.

I don't need to know my own identity.

If you don't know the truth, the
question is attacking me. My sense of

apathy, life's blasphemy. I've seen God
bring us with people close to me. My

choice is you. Who I embrace is family.

I choose you. Yeah, I choose you.

Now here I am.

Thank you.

of the journal

It's Weekend Update with Anya Magliano
and Paddy Young.

Good evening and welcome to Weekend
Update. I'm Paddy Young. And I'm Anya

Magliano.

In a world of darkness, horror and
despair, we're here to make it worse.

The conflict in the Middle East
continues to escalate. Israel has

missile from Yemen, which has been
identified as a Houthi missile.

As in, Houthi hell fired that missile.

While Trump has been insisting that Iran
wants a deal so badly, an Iranian

military spokesperson has said, quote,
our first and last word from the very

first day has been, is and will remain.

Someone like us will never come to terms
with someone like you.

Not now, and not ever.

Oh my God, just kiss already.

Corey Edwards, a reform candidate in
Wales, has stepped down after being

photographed while appearing to do a
Nazi salute.

Reform leader Nigel Farage said it
looked terrible. And he's right.

The arm's too low, he's grinning.

And where's his swastika? When did Nazis
get so sloppy?

Buffalo Rachel Reeves has indicated that
millions of households will get no help

from the government to pay soaring
energy bills.

Thanks, bitch.

A US congressman has made a direct plea
to Sarah Ferguson to testify about her

close personal and business ties to
Jeffrey Epstein.

But to be fair to Fergie, she doesn't
have a full diary.

Lots have revealed that in the upcoming
musical adaptation of Trainspotting, the

main character will be addicted not only
to heroin, but also to social media.

The show will premiere in July and is
being directed by your Year 11 drama

teacher.

Leonid Ravinsky, the owner of OnlyFans,
has died.

So gentlemen, when you're visiting the
site this week, lower your penises to

half -mast.

Beautiful funeral, by the way.

Wasn't a dry tissue in the house.

And now, it seems like the whole world
is at war.

Russia and Ukraine, the Middle East,
Chapel Roan and that tiny girl.

By the way, it was actually Sabrina
Carpenter's bodyguard. But anyway, war.

We could just keep making jokes about
it, but first, we do want to check.

Are you okay?

This is Hand in Hand with Anya and Pad.

We're here to tell you that it's going
to be okay.

Because we've got each other.

World War III, sounds scary, huh?

But we've already had two.

And don't they say good things come in
three?

Good things can come from war.

Antibiotic, jet engine, something to
talk to your dad about.

If London gets bombed, house prices will
drop.

And so will house numbers.

We'll all get to live across the two
houses that are left.

Like in Friends.

It might sound scary to have missiles
rain down on us, but look on the bright

side. Stephen Bartlett might get his
face blown off.

And who's to say we won't come out on
top? As a nation, we've beaten them all.

The French, the Germans, foot and mouth.

And sure, the bad guys might win and we
end up speaking Ukrainian.

But don't worry, we're in this together.

We've got you.

We've got each other.

This has been Hand in Hand with Paddy
and Anya.

Research has found that pregnant women
on the tube have to stand for an average

of five stops before being offered a
seat.

It seems like a bit of basic social
etiquette, but please, if you're

men, wear a condom.

Lux Maxine influencer Clavicula has been
arrested.

And I'm sure he has no regrets about
dedicating his life to making himself

like a beautiful young boy right before
he was taken to jail.

The former Tory Justice Minister,
Kristen Blunt, has admitted to hosting

parties and has been fined £1 ,200 for
possessing illegal drugs, including

crystal meth and the sedative GBL.

I have to say, he looks surprisingly
grumpy for someone who loves being

up on meth.

Blunt told the court that he got
involved in the chemsex party scene to

inform government policy.

Blunt is set to publish his research in
a parliamentary advisory paper entitled,

Oh My God, Guys, You Have To Try
Chemsex.

In his speech to the court, Blunt called
for all drugs to be legalised, but he

acknowledged that the chemsex lifestyle
did carry risks.

Like coming so hard you drop your
poppers.

Trust me, it happens.

Enlighten you. The town of Grantham in
Lincolnshire has announced that it's

reviving its medieval onion fair.

The event on October 10th will see onion
tastings, onion -themed street food,

onion -flavoured drinks and an onion
-eating competition.

So if you're looking for something fun
to do on October 10th, why not avoid

Grantham?

An AI -generated military influencer and
foot fetish model has reached over a

million followers on Instagram.

There she is in her military -grade
stilettos.

Honestly, what kind of a sad, sexually
frustrated loser would sit alone

fantasising about her for hours in my
bedroom last night?

A new documentary reveals K -pop group
BTS struggle to return to music after

mandatory military service.

So, did the stress of this overstimulate
Jimin, causing sunflowers spillover and

micro -snaps towards Jungkook?

And what now?

Will V's whimsical detours cause the
deep thinker RM to become

And what about the push -pull duo of
Suga and J -Hope? Can Jin be the quiet

stabilizer, anchoring Jungkook with
micro -bubble maintenance?

Or will V use his whimsy shield to
offset bubble drift and soften Jimin

mirror gestures?

No idea.

I've never even heard of BTS.

has said that birth rates in the UK are
falling, and for a change, us girls are

getting the blame for it.

Reformed Matt Goodwin has said that the
problem is women having children too

late in life.

You know who I wish left having a baby
till it was too late in life, Matt

Goodwin? Your mum.

Here to discuss the ins and outs, please
welcome our own fertility expert and

cast member, Ayawadi Bamboye!

Thank you.

Thank you for having me.

Thank you.

Radio Addy, you're here to explain why
you think birth rates are plummeting.

Yes, and the media would have you
thinking that this is a complex issue,

it's actually quite simple.

We're not being honest about what the
real problem is here.

Women not wanting to have babies?

Women not wanting to have babies with
men like you.

Like me? How is this my fault?

Paddy, no one looks at you and thinks,
yes, your genes must be preserved for

next generation.

What's wrong with old pads?

When was the last time you changed your
bedding?

Can you drive?

Have you drank water today?

I had a shower.

How is he going to impregnate anyone?

He's completely dehydrated. His sperm
probably looks like dusty oats.

Wait, wait a second. What if I told you
that most women actually want to have

children? And I'm going to have to say
the quiet part out loud. The fact of the

matter is men are very, very difficult
to be around.

Anya, have you watched a man eat?

It's not good.

Mary, this generation of men just aren't
up to it. They're easily overwhelmed.

Some even have the audacity to grow a
moustache.

Moustache is for men with full driving
licence.

Sir, what is your solution to a
generation of women being repulsed by

of having my children? I'm so glad you
asked. To me, we have two options.

We bank the sperm of the gays, the
practicing gays to be exact.

And we just use that, yes.

Or we milk.

three to five high -value males whose
seed would actually be useful to us.

So, for example, people like Martin
Lewis, money -saving expert.

Yes!

Ayoade, we can't milk Martin Lewis. We
need him on the front line. To be fair,

you're right. You're right. We can't
lose our strongest soldier.

Thanks for joining us, fertility expert
Ayoade Mamboya, everybody!

Please! I can't do it anymore!

Please! You're coming with me!

Please!

This ain't right.

This ain't right!

Damn for Christ's sake! If they hear
you, it'll be lessons for all of us.

You! What is it we do here?

I can't. I can't! I need to hear you say
it!

What is it we do here?

You know when you open a hot wrap from
Pratt or McDonald.

And part of the wrap sticks to the
inside of the packet.

So when you take it out, the whole wrap
completely falls apart.

We're the people who glued down that bit
of wrap.

I can't do this anymore.

It ain't right.

Glue. Glowing all day, glowing all
night.

Glowing raps!

Will they join my fight?

Oh, God!

Ear -archeter, the people's princess.

Seen that kind before, haven't we,
Marty?

Brave, rebellious, doesn't understand
the rap -gluing thing.

Pipe down.

You ain't got a clue.

Shut that shiny mouth of yours. You
ain't too good to know.

We like things how we like them. We're
never so scared of change.

Being alive is suffering. We exist to
remind you of that.

But would it be so bad if the rat came
out in one piece?

Face facts, Freckles.

It's rotten work, but someone's got to
do it.

It's good to run this factory.

My wife is dead. I hate the poor.

And I'm the mayor.

Well,

well, well.

If it ain't my stinky little workforce
with their horrible faces living their

miserable lives.

Oh, doing exactly what they're told, I'm
sure.

Who is responsible for this?

I said, who is responsible for this?

Oh, tired, sweetheart.

Cream crackers from glue and wraps.

Oh, you can always work in my other
factory.

When we stick fruit polos together so
they can deal into one weird cylinder.

are tired, whatever that is.

but there was always two things we could
rely on. Our lovely Nanny Sue and her

legendary beans on toast.

Four years ago, our beautiful Nanny Sue
took out our life savings so that we

could follow our dreams and open our
very own food truck.

And since then, we've sold over 50
million beans to happy customers up and

the country.

We owe everything we have to our dear
Nanny Sue and our kick -ass secret

And before you ask, aye.

Our nanny Sue is that Sue Duggan.
Recently dubbed the toxic widow because

week she was convicted of injecting a
bus full of children with hepatitis C.

And before you ask, no, we don't know
why she did it.

And before you ask, yeah, we have cut
ties with our nanny Sue completely.

We're opening our first real restaurant
tomorrow and the timing could not be

worse.

We've got classic beans. We've got
Nashville barbecue beans. We've got Thai

cream curry beans.

And before you ask, no, the beans will
not give you hepatitis.

And before you ask, yes, some of the
children are still in comas. Also,

you ask, yes, we are both considering
chemical castration just to make sure

evil in our bloodline dies with us.

We also do chicken wings.

I've been told there are three things we
are passionate about. Big flavours,

good vibes, and a Tory for the sins of
our wicked family.

That's why we've partnered with a local
charity that helps rehabilitate

grandmothers convicted of serious
violent crime.

This is Jenny.

She cut the brakes on her daughter -in
-law's Vauxhall Corsa.

Sandra posted a letter bomb to her next
-door neighbour because they left their

Christmas lights up too long.

Deborah threw acid at an Uber driver.

Yeah, it was racially motivated.

Fuck. Fuck!

This is hell!

Why do we have to do it ourselves?

Now come on down to Beans Bros, because
those kids are not coming back.

And we don't want to go to hell!

you spun me around perfect displays of
affection

well it takes two so there's always a
crowd

i don't know you will watch me

that doesn't

courage of white one you're leaning
against the wall

you put my world you

put

my name up

The whole time, I think.

Oh, sorry.

I've been trying to keep my cool all
night, but I'm such a huge fan of yours.

can't believe ex -international rugby
player Jason Robertson, OBE, is actually

dating my wife's best friend.

Oh, fine.

You know, I have to say I was quite good
at rugby myself.

Oh, yeah?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, I probably could
have gone pro if it wasn't for my... Oh,

no, no, no. Please don't say me.

I hate that.

Do you know how many people come up to
me and say, oh, I could have gone pro if

it weren't for my knee. No, you couldn't
go pro because you weren't good enough.

No, I was good enough. It wasn't
actually my knee. I had a different,

rare condition.

What condition?

One second. I'm just going to get
another drink. All right.

Did he finally mention the rugby?

Yeah, big time. Oh, he loves it so much,
bless him. Did he freak out?

No, no, no, he was going on about how he
could have gone pro if he weren't for

his condition.

His what?

Babe, sorry, can I sit in the kitchen
for a second? Yeah.

What's up?

Uh, I've gone and bloody cut my balls
off and superglued them onto my hips,

haven't I?

You've what?

I've cut off my balls and stuck them to
my hips.

What part of that don't you understand?

Why? I panicked. I panicked.

I needed a serious condition, otherwise
he's not going to like me.

He's going to think I'm just one of
those, like, I could have been a pro if

wasn't for my knee, guys.

You are the...

This was my last chance to be friends
with a genuine rugby player. Just let me

have this.

Fine. Fine.

Does anyone want more wine? Because I
need a drink.

You all right, mate? Yeah.

He's got this rare condition and it's
just flaring up.

Don't be a shame, Jonathan.

Show them.

I was born with it. It's called, um...
It's called scrotum of hyptomums.

Oh, what?

How did that stop you playing?

It's a great question.

Um,

everything was going great. You know, I
kept it sort of hidden until I was about

15, and then... then my balls dropped.

And, uh, it became a problem during, uh,
line -outs, you know, so... so people,

you know, getting picked up from my...

Waist, like, crushing my balls, so...
Yeah.

Oh, and, um... George Scrums, yeah.
George Scrums, the lads would, you know,

they'd have their ear pressed against,
you know, eating my balls.

Oh, wow!

I'm not gonna lie, it would be hard to
go pro with those.

You'd be in the showers looking like a
sparsely decorated Christmas tree.

Sorry, sorry, mate, sorry, mate. That
was above the belt.

I expected you to struggle, man.

Is he good, yeah? Yeah, he's fine. All
right, well, see you at work, Soph.

to see you, Jason. Let yourselves out.
Bye, Jason, man. See you.

Oh,

my God.

We'll be right back.