Original subtitles

Okay. So let me get this straight.

You're saying you were on Hampstead Heath at 23:07, alone,

walking your dog.

That is correct.

And for no reason, you were attacked.

Yup.

But you don't want to press charges.

I just don't want the bother, and he'll be long gone by now.

Did you see your assailant?

Only the back of his head...

As he was running away.

Okay. Well, now that's all cleared up, I'm assuming we're free to leave.

Thanks you, Robyn. I didn't know who else to call.

It's all right.

What am I supposed to do with this?

Feed it twice a day. Take it for nice, long walks.

Treat it to the occasional bone.

But I don't want a dog!

If you'd like to go back in there and change your statement,

you're more than welcome.

All right, his name is Lumpy and you might want to get that eye looked at.

Come on, Lumpy.

Subtitles by explosiveskull

It's my birthday and I am going to party.

Ow!

Sorry, Teddy is getting really bite-y.

Honestly, my nipples are a mess.

You know those machines they have at the pier? The ones that flatten pennies?

It feels like my nipples have gone through one of those machines.

Don't laugh. I'm not kidding.

I'm sorry.

Seriously, go enjoy your titties

while they're yours. These days...

Mine are either juice boxes for the kids or Mark is grabbing at them

like he's testing avocados.

Speaking of which, how's that going? Are you guys still trying?

Sorry, was that a bad thing to say?

No, not at all.

Yes, we're trying. It's just taking a while.

Honestly. That is for the best. I'm not kidding.

Mark barely had to breathe on my vagina, and I was pregnant,

I'm not complaining but, you know, a warning shot would've been nice.

Fertile son of a... Ow!

God damn it!

I have got to put the baby down now. Do you want me to call you back?

No. Go. Sleep. I love you.

Love you. Bye.

Oh, fuck!

Turn the light on, babe.

Sorry.

How was your night?

Fantastic. Tramp took a shit in the corridor.

Dairy protest?

No, protest is a bit sophisticated for what I saw.

Brought this back.

Like, go in and get checked, you know.

Rule things out. Have a read.

Interesting moment at work today.

- Oh, yeah? - Yeah.

Tabitha, the new junior nurses' assistant, tried to have sex with me.

I'm sorry. What?

Mmm-hmm. I know what you're thinking, but she's not fat or hairy or mentally ill.

She's actually pretty fit. Looks like a slightly less toothy Billie Piper.

Okay.

Yeah, proper pass. Asked me for a lift home and everything. It was a slam dunk.

Great. What did you do?

Fucked her.

I'm kidding! I told her I have a lovely girlfriend waiting for me at home, of course.

Great story.

Someone jealous?

Just not sure why you're telling me.

I don't know. I thought it was funny.

Don't you wanna know how desirable your boyfriend is?

Not really. Do you wanna know about all the men who try to fuck me?

Wow.

Christ, okay. Don't know what's gone up your arse.

Just not sure what point you're making.

Do want a medal for not cheating on me?

No, of course not, I just...

Okay, sorry if I misjudged it, it wasn't meant to be a big deal.

Then, why'd you tell me?

I don't know, it was just... it was on my mind and I thought it was...

Oh, well, forget it, forget it.

Forgive me for sharing.

Ha. You came back.

You noticed.

I don't know if it was the coke

or your Uber driver ruining Simon's hand job story,

but wow, you definitely made an impression.

Yeah, I feel awful about that.

No, don't. He's got a million stories like that.

Last week, he was telling this one about getting rimmed in Nando's by a post man.

Absolute classic. The guy has been married eleven years.

- Do you want a drag? - No.

Yeah. Trying to quit.

Ah, Vogues. Classy.

Makes me feel like a fat fingered Audrey Hepburn.

Oh, God. I'm Tom, by the way.

Robyn.

Like the super hero?

Sidekick. Robin's not a super hero. He's a sidekick.

But I'm plenty happy being in the background.

It's odd when you start these things. Everyone has got more hours than you.

I remember feeling like I joined a cult.

They were gonna ask me to marry my sister.

It gets better thought. I promise.

Mm. Can't wait.

How long have you been in the rooms?

Three years.

- Wow! - Yeah.

Wish I could say it was easy.

I mean, some days you feel like you nicked it, and other days, it just...

Bang! It just kicks you in the bollocks like an angry mule.

Or lady bollocks, in your case.

Anyway... We should head inside.

Um... Stick at it.

I don't know if you've got a sponsor...

If you ever wanna talk about your recovery...

Or anything else, for that matter.

So, I found out a guy who I went to school with is trans.

Does that happen to any of you?

It's pretty confusing.

He's... Obviously, now, I know that "he" is a "she".

But what if I wanna talk about my past?

Is he a "he" before a certain time?

Or is there like a cut off point?

Sorry, bad joke, I suppose.

Now, to do something like that, it takes balls.

That's a funny line.

Sorry, have I just walked into a working men's club from the '80s

Appreciating someone having to undergo intensive and invasive

gender re-assignment surgery, must've been very difficult for you.

Not quite the point I was making.

I mean, yeah, that's fine. Over 20 grand for the treatment,

but you're confused about which pronouns to use.

Yeah, all right, sit back down, love, 'cause people have come here for some comedy.

Yeah, when's that gonna start, eh?

You're lucky there's not a dick under there anymore, or I'd knock you in your arse!

Oh, come on, how was I supposed to know

there was a trans comedian in the audience?

I mean, what're the chances of that happening?

Well, she was on the line-up, so, I'd say pretty fuckin' high.

Well, I don't even know who Allie Gregs is!

And neither did I, but now I do, it's all over Twitter.

Oh, come on, it wasn't even that offensive. I was being ironic.

How is it ironic?

Because...

I'm not trans.

Live nation is threatening to pull the whole tour.

Hundred and forty-seven thousand hits?

That is not a good thing.

I thought there was no such thing as bad publicity.

If one person throws that bullshit at me...

Just have a conversation with Kevin Spacey and he can fill you in.

I can't... We talked about this.

You said, try a bit more edgy material, be a bit more risque,

it'll play well with young people.

I meant, try and joke about ISIS,

not offend an entire community of people.

You don't think she's being a tiny bit sensitive?

You know, the most damaging thing about this tape is that she's being funnier than you.

Hey. I resent that. That is new material.

I'm running that in. That is not going to be perfect...

Enough!

Go bathe and put some pants on. We've got work to do.

Trans...

Okay, so we are going for full mea culpa,

egg on face, big apologies,

- kissing trans babies, the works. - Trans babies?

Isn't this the man who got kicked out at the comedy awards

for dipping his balls on the Head of BBC comedy's Prosecco?

Not sure humility is his strong point.

Melody, I need you to get in touch with Allie Gregs.

She's not gonna wanna talk to you but do whatever it takes.

We need to contain this.

- Earth to Melody. - Yes, got it.

Ooh, Tom, kiss.

Anyone nice?

Oh, no, just a guy from NA.

It's not... He was offering to be my sponsor.

I bet he was.

God, I love a damaged man. Is he cute?

I haven't really thought about it.

Yeah. Well, whatever.

Well, enjoy sponsoring his brains out.

Maybe I should set up the two of you.

Hmm, last time I went on a blind date, I ended up

climbing out of a window at Sexy Fish.

Seriously. He's hot.

Oh, he's hot now, is he?

- I thought you hadn't thought about it. - Shut up.

Do you wanna fuck him with my vagina? Is that it?

- Don't be a dick. - Look, if you need me to have sex

with him, you don't have to, you just have to ask.

- Selena Pope's been spotted with her... - Yep. Got it.

Christ.

When it rains, everyone's an idiotic twit. Right. I'll deal with Proctorgate.

I need some transgender celebs who will agree to be friends with Dan Proctor.

I can only think of Caitlin Jenner

and that lady that won Big Brother.

Definitely start with Big Brother.

Taxi.

- Hello. - Hi.

Are we still on for tonight?

Of course.

Good. 'Cause I'm gonna get F-ed up...

- Mummy, higher. - Mummy is on the phone, bubba.

Are you absolutely sure

you don't wanna spend your birthday with Mark?

I've spent every night of my life with Mark.

For once, he can look after his children,

while mummy gets her party on.

- Mummy! - Okay.

Oh, my God, I cannot tell you how excited I am for tonight.

I feel like it has been ages since I got a proper night out.

You better get ready because Mummy is going to bring the thunder.

Okay, but you will stop referring to yourself as Mummy

this evening, right? 'Cause it's kinda weirding me out.

That is noted.

I'll see you later.

- Love you. - Higher.

Put your back into it, woman.

What part of "Wear it at all times" confused you?

Uh, I needed soya.

I popped out for like five seconds.

How was I supposed to know there was a paparazzi

hiding behind my neighbor's fucking Qashqai?

You're supposed to be eight-and-a-half months pregnant.

You cannot leave the house without your fucking baby.

- I forgot. - You forgot?

How many times have we been through this?

Nine months, nine bumps.

I even numbered them for you.

This is really hard.

No, Selena, having an actual baby is hard.

- This is shoving a cushion up your jumper. - Stop shouting.

Look, why don't we just say I lost the baby?

Uh, excuse me?

And what exactly would you like me to do with this?

Christ! I don't know. I'm just trying a little bit of blue sky thinking.

Can we just kinda take a night early?

Oh, maybe next time you could have your own bloody baby.

Okay, we've been through this. I have got hostile womb...

And a very busy schedule.

Also, I don't want my vagina ripped

to my arsehole. Is that okay with you?

That is what I'm paying her for.

Sorry, Rose.

When was the last time you were photographed with the bump?

Oh, the talk on body confidence for International Women's Day.

Maybe ten days ago.

That's when you had the baby. That night, it came early

and since then, you've been working hard

to drop the baby weight.

She's also been working really fucking hard.

Yeah.

But what about the baby? We don't have a baby.

We will just have to borrow one until the actual baby arrives.

Borrow one?

When the baby's born, it's date of birth will be on its birth certificate. It won't match.

That we can deal with.

According to Wikipedia, she's 29.

Oh, great. Hi, guys. Thank you so much for doing this.

This is Dan.

Who are these people?

Dan, this is James and Coco

and they're from organization called TransEducate.

And they've very kindly agreed to come here today

to educate you about your ignorance.

- Seriously? - Okay, don't look,

but there's a photographer with a long lens just over there.

We're just having casual lunch with your casual trans friends.

We're showing how casually not transphobic you are. Okay?

All you have to do is talk to them, and not be a bigot.

Can you do that?

Dan Proctor.

Hi.

Hi.

- Hiya. You Allie Gregs? - Yeah.

My name is Melody. I work for Dan Proctor's PR company.

I was just wondering if we could have a chat...

No callbacks.

Oh, God.

- Yep. - How's it going?

Um, not great.

I need someone who's had a baby in the last six weeks.

Oh, hang on.

Eve's calling. Let me see if I can patch with her.

I need a baby.

Same thing happened to my friend literally the day she hit 30.

No, I need to borrow one.

Oh, what about Cheryl from Accounts?

She had a baby, like, a week ago.

- Which one's Cheryl? - Red hair.

She's married to Ian with the beard.

You said she looked like a love child of Ed Sheeran and a cookie.

Oh. Cheryl. Was she pregnant?

Only for nine months.

- Melody, can you text me her address? - Mmm-hmm.

Eve, how's it going on your end?

All good. Operation Some-of-my-best-friends-are-black is a go.

It is so nice of you to come and visit me.

Of course. All the girls and I were talking about you in the office this morning.

That's just so sweet.

No offense, but I didn't even know if you knew who I was.

We often feel a bit left out, down in accounts.

Don't be ridiculous.

What's her name?

It's Ivy.

That's beautiful.

Do you want to hold her?

Oh! Um, no, I...

I could really do with peeing.

Okay.

You can have a mussy, so she's not sick on your dress.

Mmm...

What's up, shorty?

Yeah.

I feel the same way.

Hey, you.

You're a natural.

Oh.

Cheryl, how do you fancy getting out of the house today?

You make a terrible spy, you know?

Please, can I just explain a minute?

I have an interview with Abigail Reese at 2:00 pm.

I'm not speaking to anyone else.

Especially not to Dan Dickhead Proctor's PR.

Please?

I'm the new girl in the office. I've only just moved to London.

And I hardly know anyone. I'm barely even getting paid, so...

They already think I'm some kind of wide-eyed country bumpkin.

This is the first proper job they've actually given me to do.

So I can't mess it up 'cause then they'll find out I'm a total loser.

Please, I just... I just want them to like me.

Did you seriously just give a speech

about not fitting in to a trans woman?

Jesus. Is there nothing you people won't stoop to?

Oh, tits.

A bit stage-y. Creepy.

Serial killer. Okay, no. We're going for natural humility.

Look, I was just saying that I knew him... I knew her

as a man, so it's confusing knowing what to call them now.

Are you married?

Yeah.

What was her last name before you were married?

Sarah? Barker. Sarah Barker.

Then how on earth did you get your head around the fact

that you now have to call her Sarah Proctor?

Christ. It must be so confusing for you.

You're Dan Proctor!

Sorry?

You're Dan Proctor!

No I'm not.

Oh, come on mate, you're great.

I love that bit you do about Popeye wanking.

That is sick!

I used to do this whole routine about Popeye having much larger forearms than...

It's actually a lot cleverer than he's...

Mate, can I get a picture?

Not now, mate.

Oh, come on. Don't be a dick about it.

You can see that I'm just having a drink with my friends?

Can you turn that camera off?

All right, stop it, now.

Don't shoot this. Don't shoot this!

Uh, why is there a photographer there?

Oh no, no, no. He's not with us.

- Is this a setup? - Mate, you are unbelievable.

No, no, wait, wait.

You're a fucking dinosaur.

And I've seen your Popeye routine. It's shit.

Why is there a baby in reception?

We borrowed it.

For Selena Pope.

Okay's doing the announcements.

Allie Gregs.

I tried talking to her, but she's not interested.

She is meeting Abigail Reese at the Dean Street Hotel at 2:00.

You know Reese. Don't you, Robyn?

No. I used to know her a bit, but I haven't...

Dan Proctor.

Right. Dan Proctor.

You have eleven seconds.

Not great. His twitter feed is exploding with LGBTQ activists

calling for his tour to be pulled. Live nation are shitting themselves.

The video has already made it to all national news outlets and is already up on several websites,

and he just got slapped round the face by a sassy trans activist.

I spoke to Nadia from Big Brother V.

We can claim ignorance...

Well, maybe if we dig deeper into his family life.

Stop.

Christ.

It's like being slowly stung to death by incompetent wasps.

There's blood in the water.

Stop flapping around like a bunch of epileptic penguins and take control.

Here's what we're going to do.

- Yeah. - Allie Gregs, ten o'clock.

What the hell does ten o'clock mean?

Behind you! Left! She's coming your way now. She's coming in.

Oh! I'm so sorry. So sorry.

Oh, my God. Are you Allie Gregs?

Uh, yeah. Yeah.

I saw your show in Edinburgh.

Oh, really?

This is crazy. I just think you're so brilliant...

Reese!

Robyn, hi.

It's good to see you.

Same.

What are you doing here?

Just work. You?

I'm here to meet...

I'm not meeting Allie Gregs, am I?

Christ. How do you people creep in so quick?

I take it you're looking after Dan Proctor these days.

Why don't we grab a drink?

Yes, I... Hello. Is it Reese?

Not exactly. Um, should we get a drink?

Yeah.

Three Edinburgh festivals.

Eighty-seater, eighty-seater, one hundred and twenty-seater.

Regular slot at London clubs, average capacity between two, three hundred.

Modest regional touring circuit.

- What's your point? - My point is that you're funny. You have something to say.

Unfortunately right now, no one is hearing you say it.

Dan Procter plays to more people in one night

than you have played to in the entire four years of your career.

He won't when I'm finished with him.

Do you really think so?

That video has been up twenty-four hours.

It's already been watched by nearly a million people.

Have you read all the comments?

A biting interview with Abigail Reese,

tearing Mr. Proctor to shreds would be fun

and fair, but it's not going to change things.

The same people will still be sitting in the same pub saying,

I don't see what all the fuss is about.

You don't change opinions by talking to the nodding-dog Guardian readers

who already agree with you.

You change them by pissing in the mainstream.

How exactly do I do that?

Okay.

Entitled, chauvinistic, ball bag

picks fight he can't win with unknown trans comedian.

Ooh.

Looking forward to this.

The perfect PR stunt.

Excuse me?

Think about it.

Dan Proctor is about to announce his biggest tour ever.

Eighteen dates, four at the O2.

You said it yourself. No one talks about Dan Proctor anymore.

He's middle of the road. Mainstream. Not an edge in sight.

But...

If Dan Procter were to be supported on that tour

by the most dynamic and exciting comedian on the circuit who just so happens to be trans...

Now. That's an interesting story.

Not to mention an extraordinary platform

for such a vocal ambassador of the trans community as yourself.

If that were the case,

then staging a fight with that comedian, a fight that actively holds up a mirror

to the ignorance that trans people face every single day...

A fight that accidentally got leaked to a million people.

Well, that just might be a stroke of genius.

Okay, I see where you're going here. But why...

Why the fuck would I even consider sharing a stage with that prick?

I'm not being funny, but...

If you want me to eat that shit, you need to at least give me a spoon.

Dan's management has agreed to give ten percent of the profits to Stonewall.

As well as mention them in all publicity.

He's one of the best known comedians in the UK.

Twelve million Twitter followers.

You think people would actually believe it?

They will if they're given an exclusive by a credible journalist.

Particularly if that credible journalist happens to be

a heavy influencer in the LGBTQ community.

Wouldn't it be fun to be the one journalist who actually got the joke?

Okay, okay, I get it. It's a great platform. You're all crusaders for the cause

and all that. That's grand. But let's cut the crap, shall we?

How much?

Forty-five minutes material.

Fifty percent of the box office.

The O2 is not exactly small.

- Stonewall's ten percent comes out of his cut. - Okay.

- Plus you represent me for free. - For the first six months.

- Twelve. - Eight.

Deal.

Nice doing business with you.

And he's agreed to all this?

Of course, he has.

Fifty percent?

It's actually forty when you factor in Stonewall.

Not to mention our fee.

Well, it's madness! Whatever happened to freedom of speech?

What, the PC patrol get to dictate what I can and can't talk about now, do they?

Dan, I think you can talk about whatever you like.

You just have to be funny.

Belle, get Mr. Proctor here a glass of fizzy water.

And stick a little gin in it. Thanks.

Do you think my Popeye routine is shit?

Absolutely. That's lovely.

That's lovely. It's all lovely. It's great.

Get some more face. Fantastic.

Um, sorry, just, um...

It's... It's ginger. Is that a problem?

Lots of babies are born with ginger hair. Most lose it in the first year.

- I did not know that. Hm! - Mmm-hmm.

Nice big smile. Very nice.

So what do you do?

I'm the mother of the real baby.

You?

Uh...

I suppose I'm the mother of the fake baby.

Hmm.

All set with Allie?

May I?

Yeah.

So, how's Sam?

He's great.

We must stop meeting like this.

House Tricks.

House tricks. Tricks are good.

Maybe we should get a drink later.

Old times sake.

I don't think so.

What was it you always used to say?

Girls don't count.

Reese...

Oh, come on. Don't tell me you're no fun anymore. Of all people...

The reason I don't want to fuck you is not 'cause I'm no fun, it's 'cause you're a clown.

Now please take your hand off my ass.

There's my girl.

Christ, I cannot wait to get shmammered tonight.

Reese...

Eve. How are ya?

Oh, you know. Kicking ass, taking names. You?

Great.

Nice to see you.

What?

Nothing. A bit awkward.

Mmm... It's fine. Ancient history.

I hate bumping into post shags.

I once went to a dinner party, and got stuck opposite a guy

I'd spent an hour tromboning the weekend before.

Kept getting combat flashbacks.

May I ponce?

Mmm, feel free.

Oh, my God.

Oh, no, no, no. It's not...

Shut the front door, that's amazing.

Really?

Christ, yes. It's terrifying, mental, but amazing.

It's times like this I wish my tear ducts worked.

This is not the response I expected.

Why not? It would be a travesty not to continue your gene pool.

I love a mini you hanging around.

We can dress it in freebies and use it to get good parking spaces.

Just make sure it's not a boy.

Don't get too excited. It may not even be a possibility.

I've not exactly looked after myself all these years.

Look, babe.

Sam's amazing. He's like a grown-up, but a grown-up you want to hang out with.

Just promise me you won't leave me.

Buy a Land Rover and move to some god-forsaken Hamlet,

wearing nothing but wellies and clothes with human waste on them.

If it happens, and that is a great big if.

I will be back here within a week with that thing hanging off my tit.

Promise?

Promise.

I don't want to touch it much, so don't be offended.

Hi.

Hey.

- You still up for tonight? - Yeah, of course.

Amazing. I thought we could go to this place my mate was telling me about.

They only do hotdogs,

and then for pudding you have a hotdog as well, but it's made of ice cream.

- That sounds brilliant. - I know.

And apparently, instead of ketchup you get this sauce...

Melody, will you trace out that copy for the okay announcement?

Yeah, of course. I'll do that right away.

Why are you being weird? Have you farted?

Yep. Sorry.

Sorry. Um... You were saying about ketchup?

Oh, uh. It's strawberry sauce.

That sounds excellent.

Okay. You can text me the address and I'll meet you there?

Okay, bye.

This better be worth it.

This is not the sort of underwear you wear if nobody is going to see it.

If it doesn't work out, I'll just have to flash the mini-cab driver on my way home.

Oh, shit. I'm sorry. I keep forgetting about the whole... Just to calm the nerves.

It's fine.

Oi, oi! Here we are! Hi!

Hi, beautiful. Happy birthday!

You remember Eve?

I do! Oh, my God, you look stunning.

God, if I wore that, I would look like a baby in a bib-bag, but you look fantastic.

Actually I was going for sushi roll.

Hey.

Oh, my God. It's gorgeous!

I saw you eyeing up that woman's when we were at lunch a couple weeks ago.

And I thought the color would go great with that new coat you bought.

Oh, it's perfect. It's a freebie, yeah?

No, it's fine! Honestly.

I'd have beaten the crap out of you if you'd spent that much money on a handbag.

All right. Jager bombs. Come on. Who's with me?

- Hi. - Hey.

Nice to see you outside of a church function, I mean...

You look great.

Aww. This old thing?

Uh, can I get a coke, please?

Wow. This is not exactly how my sponsorships usually pan out.

More fun, though, right?

Yeah. Yeah, I think so. Um, I've never been on a blind date before.

How did you know I was single?

Or was I just rocking the whole sad, desperate, heartbroken vibe?

No. No, not at all.

Well, that's a relief.

I'm sorry to hear you had your heart broken.

Oh, it will fix right. That's what I'm assured.

Recent?

Fairly. A bit messy, so I'm, you know, in chaos.

I think I'm familiar with that place. How did...

She screwed someone else. Yeah, so that was good.

Hey. Leave her alone. She's mine.

Oh, this is... This is Ruth.

Ruth! Wow. It's... Robyn said you were a very sexy lady.

Did she now?

No, this is my sister. That was Eve I was talking about.

Brilliant. Cheers. Eve's taking a piss, but it's nice to meet you anyway.

It's my birthday.

Oh! Happy birthday.

Mm.

I'm so sorry. I didn't know you were coming. I didn't get you any jager bombs.

Hey, you know what? That is... That is quite all right.

But listen, why don't I get the next round. What do you want, the same again? Okay.

He seems nice.

He's here for Eve.

Don't get your knickers in a twist. I just did some coke!

- What? - Yeah.

Eve has some in her little thing. Those are good, aren't they?

Jesus, Ruth.

Oh, don't be all holier-than-thou

just because you are off of it for the millionth time.

It's my birthday.

It's your birthday.

Don't tell Tom.

Right. Whose round?

Tom's getting us some drinks.

Oh he's here, is he? Is he a freak?

He seems really nice.

He is really nice, and you guys need to calm the fuck down

and stop acting like the witches of Eastwood

or he's going to think we're all a bunch of crazies.

Hey! What do you care?

Okay, so in the spirit of mixing drinks, I thought I'd get you tequilas.

Tom, this is Eve.

Oh, Eve. Uh...

I don't actually drink tequila. Do you mind getting me something else?

Yeah, no. Uh, yeah, what, uh... Jager bomb?

Jager bomb it is. I'll get that.

Since when do you not like tequila?

I'm negging him.

All part of the strat.

This is fun.

Well, this place is wicked!

Yeah.

I heard some of the girls talking about it at work.

And apparently, they serve a cocktail here that's, like, got an actual goldfish in it.

- Sick. - Yeah.

I'm having such a fun night.

- Really? - Mmm-hmm

Oh, God. I was so nervous when I asked you out.

I've never really been out with one of the office girls before. They don't really talk to me.

Just give me dirty looks when I'm replacing their printer paper.

- Oh, my God. - What?

Sorry, I've just, like... I've just bitten my tongue.

Sorry...

Carry on.

So you guys met at the drugs thing?

- Eve. - Oh sorry, sorry. Is that supposed to be a secret?

No, the name "narcotics anonymous" is just ironic.

Why don't we talk about something else?

Tom, what's your story?

My story?

Banker, lost loads of money, couldn't hack it?

Not quite. I was a dancer at the English National Ballet for eleven years.

I started taking the coke to keep my energy up. Keep the weight off.

Then I busted my ankle. Couldn't dance anymore, so left the company,

but I didn't leave the coke. And it got to the stage where I realized,

I needed to stop doing it, 'cause it turned me into a massive dick.

So you're a ballet dancer. That's hilarious.

I knew you had a bit of gay in you. Speaking of which, I'm going for a fag.

Anyone else?

No thanks, I'm good.

You see, you're not what I imagined a PR girl to be.

She's exactly what I imagined a PR girl to be.

She's all right underneath. She's just nervous.

Oi, you! I want tequila.

It makes me happy.

The thing is I get so nervous, and all this crazy stuff comes out, 'cause I'm freaking out

and my mouth just starts, you know, chat, chat, chatting.

Oh, my God.

What? Bite your tongue again?

Wow.

I'm sorry.

Um... Would you like to go somewhere else?

Sounds great.

Great.

This is Kelly. She's so clever.

She's awesome.

- Hey. - It's me.

Have you seen The Guardian online?

Congratulations. You just reversed back up a cliff.

Yeah, it's a bit like when I had that colonoscopy.

I know I should have thanked the doctor,

but all I wanted to do was punch him in the face.

You're welcome, Dan.

"Middle-aged comedian."

172,000 words in the English language,

and that's my adjective? Is that...

We'll speak soon.

No, no, no!

Hey! No work tonight, please.

Okay, so if I told you I had some coke in my bag, could I tempt you?

Boy, yeah, you could certainly tempt me.

I think that would be a strange thing to do to a recovering drug addict.

Drug addict?

Sounds exciting.

Really?

What are you doing?

Uh, what do you mean?

I don't know.

I can't figure out if you're trying to be cool or sexy,

or if you're just a massive tit.

I mean, look at you,

you're wearing stockings. This isn't Mad Men.

It's a Wednesday night.

Your underwear probably costs more than a mini break to Budapest.

Don't get me wrong. You look hot, but Budapest is a beautiful city.

And as for this, do you really think I care?

I stopped being impressed by people taking drugs when I was 14.

A drunken goatman got so high, he started seeing ghosts in a kebab shop.

Shat his Fred Perry jeans. Yes, okay?

I did a lot of cocaine. No, I don't do it anymore.

Now, can we please move on

before I take one of your stupidly high-heeled shoes

and stab myself in the eye

just to stop your banter?

I'm sorry. That was a little bit...

- I'll, uh, go. - You have to come with me.

- What? - Mmm.

Me. Come with me. Now.

- Just get in there. - Right. We're in here.

What are you doing?

Okay, now...

Ouch. Ouch.

I want you to fuck me.

Okay.

Don't you want this?

And this...

And this...

Yeah. Um...

Why are you acting like you're in a chocolate mousse advert?

I want you to destroy me.

Okay. I mean, that sounds great though.

- We're in a disabled toilet. - I know.

Look, there's a bar on the wall for people getting in and out of wheelchairs.

- Wheelchairs. - It's one of those pulley things

- for if you have an accident. - Uh-huh.

Why don't you come back to my nice, comfy flat.

- We'll stick some music on. - Stick on.

And then we can think about destroying each other.

- Okay? - Okay.

All right.

Oh, my God. I wish I could do this every fucking day!

Believe me, you don't.

Yes, I fucking do!

Oh, for fuck's sake.

Hey.

Sorry. I'm just really fucking drunk.

Shh.

I need another drink.

All right. I'll get you one.

Hey! Hey!

Get off her. She's got two kids at home, you sleaze!

Whoa!

All right, all right.

Come on.

Come on.

I want popcorn.

All right.

All right. Come on.

Okay, just...

Hold on.

Yep. Come on.

Feet, up.

The hell is going on?

She's feeling a little rough.

I can speak for myself!

I'm feeling a little rough.

Jesus, Ruth, what's wrong with you?

Oh, F-off!

Oh, that's nice. That's really nice.

I am here every day. I'm looking after them...

Mummy?

Oh, hey, baby. Hey. Did Mo...

Is Mummy sick?

Mommy is just feeling a little poorly, sweetheart.

Come on, let's get you back to bed.

I want Mommy.

Yeah, well, she's making silly noises.

I want Mummy.

I'm twenty-fucking-nine.

Subtitles by explosiveskull