Original subtitles

DOOR CREAKS OPEN

Wakey, wakings.

Where is the time machine?

This proves our theory.

That black people are time travellers.

SHE SIGHS You truly are cretins.

The only reason you have risen through the ranks of the KGB,

while I have not, is because you are men.

How dare you! The Communist Party is an equal opportunities employer.

Enjoy your breakfast.

It will be the last you'll ever have.

If you're not the one Then why does my soul

Feel glad today?

If you're not the one Then why does my hand fit yours

This way...

No, stop, stop, stop, stop.

Horace, you're flat again. Try a bit harder.

Being in a band is supposed to be fun, Nick.

Yes, but being in a jazz band is supposed to be torture.

HE SIGHS Only then can you truly express

the pain and the anguish of the music.

It's a Daniel Bedingfield cover.

You'd miss me if I wasn't here.

Sorry, what? Nothing.

Hey! Baby!

My cocoa bean! KISSING

SHE LAUGHS

Here we go.

Move, four eyes.

Mm, no time for talking.

Do not disturb us.

KISSING

How was Pippa's funeral? So much fun!

And something so funny happened, you'll never guess what!

The, er, the body fell out the coffin? No...

The priest's clothes fell off? No!

I got engaged!

To me?

SHE TUTS No, silly.

To Jonty, Pippa's husband.

It's what she would've wanted.

Oh, Jonty! He's such heaven.

He's an MP, AND he drives an Aston Martin.

Yeah, that's quite enough. SHE CHUCKLES

Why don't you have your footman put his clothes on and fetch our cases?

Bye, darling.

I'll dream about your chocolate body every night.

So, Jonty, I thought, perhaps, oysters for lunch.

HE EXHALES DEEPLY

Well...

Well, that was top notch, I mean,

really first-rate, well done.

You. Are. Welcome. HE CHUCKLES

How was Bertie while I was away?

Did he behave? SHE MUMBLES NERVOUSLY

I must say hello to the little chap.

Why don't you just stay in bed and I'll...

say hello to your little chap?

My little chap needs a rest, and Bertie needs his lettuce.

I already gave him one. Two, actually.

TWO?! He'll think it's Christmas.

JJ, wait!

DRAMATIC MUSIC SOUNDS

Aw...

he's sleeping.

Lauren...

..did you forget to feed my tortoise?

They make literally no noise.

If a cat wants feeding, he's all like, "Meow, meow"

right in your face, but a tortoise, nothing...

Cos if it had, then I wouldn't have forgotten,

so, really, it's his own fault that he starved to death.

Shit pet.

I...

I need to be alone.

I'll see you later for round two, then, yeah? No!

I cannot be with someone so unbelievably heartless.

We are talking about a fucking tortoise here, right?!

It's over, Lauren.

DOOR OPENS, HE EXHALES DEEPLY

We hate jazz! We hate you!

LAUGHTER Jazz nonce!

Grow up, you pigs!

Can you believe this shit?

Victoria's kicked me out cos of her dickhead fiance,

Jonty. I mean, what's he got that I haven't got?

Money, power, status, respect,

an Aston Martin, Victoria, obviously...

We've got a kid together.

Did I mention money? What will happen to JJ?

A broken home could really have an impact on him.

I think that your 32-year-old son,

who doesn't even know you're his dad, will be just fine.

I'll prove it to her, man. I'm better than that posh dickhead.

Yeah? How? UNZIPPING SOUND

Willy wars, really? Aren't you bigger than that?

I'm bigger than him. Right,

and where you planning to stay? In the jazz club.

All right, dickheads. No! Uh-uh, not you too.

This is a house of jazz, not House The Homeless.

Me and JJ are over. I accidentally killed his tortoise, and he thinks

that makes him a better person than me.

Him, Victoria, dicks, the whole white-privileged lot of them.

You two need to learn to play the game, like me.

You know, I've never been stopped by the police.

No way!

Wearing glasses and being relatively well-spoken

apparently makes me "less threatening" to the dicks.

I've got 'em right where I want 'em.

The... Who's evicting me?!

Jonty Ripperton-Who?! Yeah, that's Victoria's fiance.

Privileged dick!

Where's Horace? How comes they haven't kicked him out yet?

He said goodbye and... left this note.

"Dear Nick, I feel like you don't value me as a person,

"so I have decided to run away.

"It's like that old saying, learn to appreciate what you have

"before it runs away to Hyde Park. Love, Horace."

I guess we should go and get him. Well, where do we start?

He could be anywhere!

Maybe Hyde Park. Yeah, he does like parks.

Good shout, you know.

DOOR CREAKS OPEN

DRAMATIC MUSIC SOUNDS Fork.

ECHOED: Janice...

Come back and be tortured, please.

Janice?

"Flat."

Nothing about me is bloody flat.

Oi, oi. What we got 'ere?

You lost?

Can't find your mummy?

All right, stay cool, Horace, first impressions count.

Er...

COCKNEY ACCENT: What's the matter with you, then, eh?

Your mum abandon you at birth cos you was ugly?

LAUGHTER

D'ya know what I mean? 'Ere, you're funny.

Where's your crew?

Ah, I don't have none. I'm a, you know, I'm a lone wolf,

like a...

..lone...

..wolf. You should hang with us.

We weren't looking for a coloured fella,

but you ain't that bad. You'll have to be initiated, mind.

Yeah.

And it ain't easy.

GROANING

I don't want to run away

But I can't take it I don't understand

If I'm not made for you Then why does my heart

Tell me that I am?

Is there any way that I can stay

HIGH PITCHED: In your arms?

HE LAUGHS

Bloody hell, Horace, I never knew black people were so good at music!

Wicked and bat.

Horace! Horace!

You don't think I'm a horrible person, do you?

Define "horrible".

I do loads of nice things.

Yeah, are any of those nice things for anyone but yourself?

Sometimes.

Like if JJ visits "down south", then I make sure the garden's tidy.

Please, I'm your brother. Horace!

Horace!

JONTY: And that's certainly not what we made such sacrifice for.

Ordinary, British people want an end to immigration.

Once prosperous areas of London are now worthless,

as the great and the good are overwhelmed

by a tidal wave of West Indians.

DISGRUNTLED CHATTER

Sorry, yeah, hi,

you're saying that house prices are dropping

because immigrants are moving in? Yes.

A house on Clapham Common sold for ?1,000 last week.

HALF of what it's actually worth!

The elderly owners were driven out by the smelly exotic foods,

the cheery parties and rhythmic music of their Caribbean neighbours.

You don't know what you're talking about!

CHEERING AND CLAPPING

Yeah! How can you satisfy anyone with your tiny dick?

CONFUSED MUMBLING

Are either of you getting the actual point this racist is making?

No, no, no, no, no. There is nothing racist about politely asking you all

to go back to where you came from. CROWD BOOING

First of all, I was born here.

Secondly, maybe if you didn't sell them into slavery,

they'd already be "home".

MAN IN CROWD: Preach, man. That's right, yeah!

Noble words,

but I ask, how many immigrants do you have on your doorstep?

Hmm? None. Because while you defend them,

you don't actually want them living in your own back yard!

CROWD GRUMBLES No!

No, I do. All are welcome in my yard.

Even you.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

If you come to my ends, I'll show you

how a real man, with a real dick, pleases a woman.

What is your obsession with this man's sex technique?

That's Jonty, innit? The guy who's trying to repossess my club?

Yeah.

Why didn't you say anything?! I wouldn't have said all that

if I knew he was the landlord. Come on!

Yes.

Off you pop, then.

This is our mole.

And what do we know about the mole?

They are brown.

They live underground!

And when needs must, they will come to the surface.

We know the Wu Tang Clan are our time-travellers,

surely we should go after them?

Do not be foolish.

We do not know what their weaponry capabilities are.

They are highly intellectual beings from future.

HORACE ON TAPE RECORDER: ' Bo Selecta, jump electa

' Move when the mic's... ' KNOCKING

JASON: 'Horace, what are you doing in there? I need a piss, man.'

We find Janice...

we find the time machine.

WHISPERING: Don't look now, but there's a group

of West Indians behind us. I know.

They've been following us since the park.

WOMAN: Hello.

Hiya!

Can we help you? You did say we could live with you.

Did I?

When the white man asked you if you'd have us in your backyard,

you say yes.

Yeah, I-I kind of got caught up in the moment,

trying to prove a point... Don't listen to him, come on in.

Bless you, child. Ah, welcome. Welcome.

Thank you. Thank you.

Aw! What's going on?

Well, these people need a home and...

who are we to shut them all out? Who indeed.

Come on in, make yourselves at home.

Oh, and the Wi-Fi password is, "Rasta 29".

Sorry, sorry.

HE SIGHS Ah, for fuck's sake.

Please, don't store your rum so close to an open flame,

basic health and safety, guys, come on!

All right, Nick-Knack.

Sorry, when did we become the Calais jungle?

It's only been three days.

The neighbours are gonna be livid. Do you think that's why they're

all selling up and moving out?

And where did they all come from? Have they multiplied?

Egbert is a father!

CHEERING AND CLAPPING

Welcome, Nicholas! BABY CRIES

CHEERING

Aw!

MAN YELLS: Stop!

CLANG

I've taken the rubbish out.

I said, "I've taken the..."

Nothing?

Doesn't matter.

LAUGHTER AND CHATTER

You've been here ages. How long does it take

to wash your balls? Go away.

I told you, my club is out of bounds!

MUSIC PLAYS LOUDLY

JONTY: Victoria!

I can't find my bloody driving gloves. Er...

What are you looking at? Nothing.

Good God! There's millions of them!

It's like a-a carnival!

What's he doing down there?

Is that my flannel?

Oh, bloody hell! SHE GASPS

Oh, lucky, lucky towel.

MUSIC PLAYS

So, what's going on, then? What we doing?

We're gonna have us a little fun.

You in? Yeah, sweet!

WHISPERS: I hope it's Monopoly.

Good afternoon, ladies.

Lauren. All right?

What a way, this young one nice!

Something smells delicious. We're having cow foot.

You ever had cow foot? Never. What is it?

Cow foot.

Hm, perhaps I could help? Mm, what a way, him sweet!

How do you know when it's ready?

When it's soft and...

moist.

Take that nastiness into the house!

And put that on the account of Jonty Ripperton-Claque.

KNOCK AT DOOR Hello?

JASON WHISPERS: It's me, my fluffy marshmallow, let me in.

Chocolatine! What are you doing here?

W-What if Jonty sees you? You know...

I didn't knock the door with my hand.

WHISPERS: Hello, old friend.

It's the girth more than anything. You just get me.

KISSING Oh, come on, babes, let me in.

Are you mad?! Tell me you don't want it.

I'd die for it! Right, that's it, I'm coming in.

JONTY SHOUTS What's that?

It's coming from my loins, babe. It's Jonty!

DOOR SLAMS, JASON SCREAMS LOUDLY

CONTINUES GROANING

Very simple, you chaps will have to clear off.

You've had your fun.

This is private property, and we don't want your type here!

Sorry, I couldn't quite hear you, could you speak up?

Mr Riperton-Claque, er, Jonty, Your Honour.

I'm sure we can come to some kind of arrangement.

You know, we're both reasonable men. I wear glasses...

You have...

THROUGH MEGAPHONE: ..until sundown to clear the property!

Fine. Go ahead.

I am Nick of Nick's World Famous Jazz Club,

and I ain't going nowhere!

We shall not We shall not be moved

THEY ALL SING: We shall not

We shall not be moved... No, no, no, no, don't sit.

No, what don't you understand? Private property!

You leave me no choice. Sundown! You will be met

with fire and fury like the world has never seen!

..shall not We shall not be moved.

CHEERING AND SHOUTING

Yeah, man! You came here with nothing...

MOTIVATIONAL MUSIC PLAYS ..with the dream of being something.

CROWD MEMBER: Yeah, that's right. I, too.

I came here!

And I built my jazz club from nothing...

Wait. The jazz club was already here,

you just dusted it off and hung some bunting.

Hush your beak!

MOTIVATIONAL MUSIC CONTINUES Brothers and sisters,

it is time to stand up and be counted...

Amen! ..by any means necessary!

CHEERING

THUD, HE GROANS

THEY LAUGH This is fun.

Have you always been naughty?

Nah, I was head girl at a convent school in Woking.

My dad's a High Court judge.

GROANING OVER THE WALL Why are we doing this, then?

Cos it's a jazz club.

Jazz is for nonces.

Ah...

If them throw shit at us, we are gonna throw shit right back at them!

CHEERING As Nicholas say,

"By any means necessary."

CHEERING

Ah, no, that's not really mine, it's more Malcolm X's,

but if we could just focus our energy on Jonty!

Oi! Oi! No-one throws stuff at us!

Petrol bomb?

Er, that's very kind of you, but, no, thanks.

Suit ya self.

Argh! SCREAMS

Shit. Them gonna throw fire!

Get out there and mash them up!

SHOUTING Protect the club! Protect the club!

Protect the club... Shit!

HORACE: Wait!

JEERING AND SHOUTING

No, no, no, no. Wait, wait! Stop, stop.

Jace, no, no, no, where you going?

Somewhere less fighty.

Stay here, and do not let Jonty get near my club!

Wait, everyone just calm down, OK?

There's just been a big misunderstanding!

Sorry... Horace?!

Nick! What are you doing with them?

You don't appreciate me! Yes, I do!

Look, I'm sorry, I just...

Is that a wig?!

Yeah. HE CHUCKLES

Ah. Ah, Nick...

YELLING No, no!

SMASHING AND YELLING

No, no, no, no!

Stop it!

Janice.

Come on.

Janice, wait! It's hard to run in crepe soles.

We must go to the time machine!

The people I work for are bad men, Horace,

the Soviet secret police.

You're a spy?

We cannot let the KGB find the time machine.

You must get back to the year you belong, before I destroy it.

Why do you have to destroy it?

Because if it falls into the hands of the KGB,

they will send assassins back in time

to kill the parents of great world leaders,

thus preventing their birth and corrupting the course of history.

You mean they'll send...

Terminators?

I suppose.

What will happen to you?

I will most likely be tortured and killed.

Now, come with me, or you will never return home to your time.

I can't leave my friends.

The friends at whom you throw petrol bombs?

Yeah!

Horace!

CLANGING MAN: Sorry, please!

OK, raise your hand if you think it's time to go back to the future.

No, no, no. What about Victoria?

How many times does that woman have to dump you?

And JJ, my baby boy? BOTH: He's 32!

You've come for me!

Er, no, I... came for Lauren.

I've come to see if you're all right. I got you wrong.

I've seen what you've done for these people,

these people in need.

You've shown them such compassion and I...

ROMANTIC MUSIC PLAYS

Oh, I've never wanted you more, Lauren.

Eurgh!

What are these? Oh, just my house keys.

Wait, to seven houses? Yeah?!

Is it against the law to own seven houses?

They're all on this street!

Yeah, they were going for cheap, so I just thought I'd buy them.

All the owners moved out

at the same time? You know, they just didn't like

the neighbourhood any more. How narrow-minded is that?

You only did this so people would sell their houses for peanuts.

Yeah, brilliant, right? You ARE a horrible person.

You want me to be something that I'm not...

A decent human being? Exactly.

Look, JJ, these houses are gonna make me a millionaire!

Well, take care, Baby Love. All right, enough teary goodbyes,

can we get the hell out of here? What about Horace?

There's no time!

Oh, hey, Horace, we were just looking for you.

Oh, God, it's so good to see you guys!

I love you, Nick, you're the best.

Hello, there's a race riot happening,

can we go already?! Yeah. Yeah.

I want you to have this.

I got it in a promotional box of Coco Pops when I was ten.

To remember me by. Why?

Cos I love you, innit?

Oh, you might need to reset that.

WHISPERS: Goodbye, my love.

MUSIC PLAYS LOUDLY

Mm.

I love my life! Mm!

Mm.

SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYS

Get away from the time machine!

Never!

Do svidaniya, moya lyubov.

Janice!

LOUD EXPLOSION

Janice!

RUBBLE RATTLES

Ow.

JANICE GROANS

I'm sorry.

I had to destroy it.

No, no, no, no, no. I-I understand. I...

I'm actually quite glad.

It means I get to stay here with you.

Wow...

that's just how I imagined my first kiss.

With a Soviet spy, amongst the rubble

of a recently destroyed time machine, in front of your friends?

Yeah.

What the actual fuck!

Guys...

I think that was the time machine.

Oh! No shit, dickhead!

Think you're the only one with a time machine.

Muggin'.

JAZZ MUSIC PLAYS

Wait!

Little girl! Hey, little white girl, where you going?

NICK: What time machine?!

Horace... Yes, my love.

I prefer you with an afro.

As you wish. HE CHUCKLES

ROMANTIC MUSIC PLAYS

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