Original subtitles

No letting go

No holding back

Because you are my lady

When I'm with you It's all a that

Girl, I'm so glad we made it

No letting go

No holding back

No holding back, no...

No, stop, stop, stop.

I beg you don't stop me when I'm in the groove.

Well, I wouldn't have to if you lot weren't butchering a classic.

The lyrics are, "No letting go, no holding back

"because you are my lady."

Lady. Not some skank you picked up behind a Maccy D's.

All right? Now, from the top again, with feeling.

Man, I don't know.

I kinda liked it.

That's weird.

You look a lot like my all-time jazz hero and idol,

General L Hands.

CHUCKLES That's cos I am, baby.

That's cos I am.

So after fees, that's five for me and five for you.

Lauren, if it was my diary that was published,

why is my cut so small?

All them agent and manager fees.

But you're my agent and manager. I know, it's fucking bullshit.

And I know exactly how much is in here,

so if any of you touch it, you're dead.

Why do you look so constipated? It's a letter from Victoria.

Can you believe she left me here on my own

to go to her mate's funeral? How inconsiderate of her (!)

Innit. Horace, help me read this.

"Dear caramel cupcake..."

Something about missing you inside of her.

She doesn't know when she'll be back.

Are you joking?

What am I supposed to do in the meantime? Cum into thin air?

"See you soon, my cuddly bear. Kiss, kiss."

Cuddly? What does she mean, cuddly?

Someone you can cuddle cos they're soft and plump.

Bruv, I ain't soft or plump, yeah. This is mass.

Does she think I'm fat? Am I fat?

Guys, what are you lot doing up here?

This letter from Victoria came, innit.

Oh, really? I don't give a fuck! All right?

The incomparable, legendary, one and only General L Hands

is in my jazz club, and you lot are pissing around up here.

Do not ruin this for me.

Huh?

CHUCKLES

I can't believe it.

General Hands eating reconstituted meat in my jazz club.

Well, Hands had to hear the hype for himself!

Really?

Everybody be like, "Ooh, you gotta hear this band play."

I'm like, what?! The cats wid da titty bar,

playing the titty music?!

But shit, they ain't lying.

Y'all smoother than apple butter.

Oh, my God, thank you!

Mm. I mean, I have zero idea what apple butter means...

Flavoured lube.

Y'all got it going on.

You remind me a lot of me and my...

..band when we...

SOBS

You all right, mate? I'm fine, I'm fine.

Just a lil ol' house fire a few days ago

that burnt my band to death.

SOBS

Horace, more meat in a tin.

Look at me, crying like a little girl.

I'm sorry, I didn't mean to bring the mood down.

I just wanted to tell y'all how good you were, that's all.

No, no, no, no. Can you not stay for one more?

No, no. I'll see you all around.

Oh, er... None of y'all happen to know a hotel around here?

Oh, wait, there's the one on the corner.

Ha. Yeah. Where that young coloured cat got viciously beaten to death.

That's horrible. Why don't you just stay with us?

Oh, no, Hands don't wanna impose... Only if you sure.

Of course. Ha-ha!

You can have Horace's bed.

Oh, and Hands, erm, not to step on your dead band mates' toes,

but if you ever wanna jam, just let me know.

Oh, right. Or gig.

You know. But, like, a super small gig.

A 'grieving gig'. Maybe tomorrow night?

Just you, me, and a small paying audience.

Sure.

That sounds nice.

BOTH LAUGH That way?

Yeah.

"Not to step on your dead band mates' toes"?

What? He's grieving. And nothing heals the soul more than jazz.

It's for him, not me. Really?

Yes, really. It's called being selfless, Lauren.

You should try it some time.

Anyway, what are you complaining about?

If he performs here, do you know how much money he'll bring in?

Hi. Lauren Wolton of Wolton Management.

Please make yourself at home.

Here's my card. Don't be fooled by the crayon, I am very professional.

'Agent to the stars'.

I'll be sure to call.

Here's the phone you asked for, Mr Hands.

Thank you, er... Horace.

Oh. Pretty name.

Well... I had a dog named Horace.

Hm. Contracted rabies.

Had to put it down with my bare hands.

Hm. Hm.

I had a hamster that I accidentally sucked up with a Dyson.

Well, if you need anything else, just let me know.

I'll be over there, sleeping in the broom cupboard.

All right. OK.

All right.

Hello, Willie.

Yeah...

What you mean, who it is?

'Where's my god damn money?!'

Calm down, Willie. I said I'll get your money.

Please, baby, I just need a little more time, that's all.

'Where you gonna get that kind of money from?'

Don't worry about how I'm gonna get it, I'm just gonna get...

'Hands? Hands? Hands!' God damn.

How long you been, er, standing there?

I thought you might want some fresh towels, Mr Hands.

Oh, well, thank you.

Thank you. Oh, that was just an old band mate of Hands.

Oh, one of the ones that died in the house fire?

Yeah. No. No, no.

HANDS LAUGHS

From an older band, from before the fire.

Oh, right. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah...

Oh, you don't believe me?

You calling Hands a liar?

No. That's how you wanna play it?

Well, two can play at that game, sucker!

Argh!

What are you doing?

Lauren...

..you'd fuck me, right? Nothing could make me that desperate.

Victoria ain't returning any of my calls.

Are you still obsessing over that? Maybe I have gained weight.

But it ain't my fault. It's all that regurgitated meat and lard

that Horace keeps feeding us.

Plus, no-one in this backward century

has heard of a fucking kettle bell!

Argh! Argh! Argh! What's the hell is that?

Help me, help me! Mr Hands! What's wrong?

My voice!

My voice. Take it out. Take it out!

The pin, from the gris-gris...

Take it out! Take it... PANTING

Argh!

I can't breathe.

Ah! BREATHES HEAVILY

PANTING

You. You did this!

You see that? He knows voodoo!

Me?! First my band dying, and now this.

Ah! You!

No, I'm sure there's been some kind of misunderstanding.

Whoa... Argh!

THUD

Horace. Horace done this.

He hates me.

This is part of his plan! Oh!

Oh-ho! I cannot play in your club,

and I certainly cannot stay in this house any longer.

Hm-hm. Jesus Christ, Jesus Christ.

Whoa, whoa.

No, no, no, no. Hands, wait!

Look at that. Horace giving me the evil eye.

He's got bad juju, Nicholas.

Deep down in his soul, I'm telling ya!

Please, Hands. There must be something we can do.

Lauren and I did a ouija board for fun once,

but I've never actually practised voodoo.

Yeah, I know, but Hands is from Louisiana

and believes in all that stuff.

Where am I supposed to go? I don't know, just...

go chill out somewhere.

Just until the bad juju is gone.

How long will that be? Who can tell?

TBH, I'm not really a juju expert.

Anyway, I best go, Hands wants a foot rub.

Love ya!

Are we just gonna leave him outside? He'll be fine.

Horace is one of those black people that loves sleeping outdoors. Juju?

Really? It's a thing.

Look, we've already sold out tonight's gig,

where you'll get to make a shit load of money

and I get to perform with my all-time hero.

Win-win.

Look, Hands'll be good for us. You'll see.

GOSPEL SINGING

..in the saviour's love.

Me nah know bout your god, but my god is good.

Me nah know bout your god, but my god is powerful.

ALL AGREE

Me nah know about your god, but my god is my everything!

Amen. ALL: Amen!

Now, me know say some a unu. Have some pain,

some sorrow in your hearts.

If you me a chat bout, step forward.

Sorry. It's all right, son.

Nothing to be afraid of.

What de pon yer mind? Well, er...

Nothing, actually, de pon my mind.

Some heavy stuff with General Hands and that,

but you guys don't need to hear about that.

You see these?

Look pon dem.

Dem is for you.

Come forward and talk, my man.

Speak, brother, speak.

Come forward. Come through, come through.

Well... Er...

My... My name's Horace Cunningham.

Welcome, Horace, welcome.

I've got a case of the bad juju.

APPLAUSE

KNOCK ON THE DOOR

Someone's in here, man.

I can't wait any longer.

My prostate's bigger than a coconut.

Ooh.

URINATES

Oh, don't mind me. Go ahead, keep doing what you doing.

Hm. If you don't mind me saying, you got a mighty fine musculature.

If by 'fine', you mean 'cuddly', you can piss off.

Sure, you carryin' a little bit of puppy fat here and there,

but I think it's kinda cute.

Yeah, well, I ain't going for cute.

Man's going for buff ting.

Hm. You chasing a perfection that don't exist.

You gotta learn to love yo'self, like Hands loves himself.

How can I love myself when I look like this?

Look at your young, supple...

sweet smelling body.

Hm. God himself couldn'ta chiselled a finer physique.

Aw. Thanks, Mr Hands.

Oh, please.

Please, call me Linus.

Why?

Cos that's my name, sugar brother.

Oh.

Good evening, brother Horace. Oh, bad juju!

I'm just gonna leave cos I don't want to infect your congregation.

Relax, man.

You look tired and hungry.

Well, I'm on the streets now, so...

Lord have mercy.

You have to stay with us.

London can be a wicked place for us people.

You wan' little bulla cake?

Yeah, I'd love some bulla cake. You with Jesus now.

You baptised? No.

ALL GASP MAN: Sweet Jesus.

Lord, God. Sister Mavis, take back the bulla cake!

Take it back!

How can you be safe from the evil of Satan

and London with an uncleansed soul?

No worry yourself.

Brothers and sisters, we have a soul to save.

ALL: Amen.

We're gonna go up the mountain.

And we are gonna pull the devil down.

ALL: Amen! We're gonna stamp him out!

We're gonna stamp out Lucifer!

We're gonna drag him down and say, Lucifer, we don't want you here!

Stamp out Satan. Stamp out Satan!

Mr Hands, hey.

How you doing?

Fine, fine, fine.

Oh, I wouldn't recommend heading in there just yet.

Oh, no, no, I was thinking we should probably rehearse

for the gig tonight.

I was thinking we could do a couple of your songs.

Who's That Mama With The Fat Ass, Heroin Blues...

I'm sorry, brother.

It's just Jason and I, we got plans.

You're hanging out with Jason?

The guy who thinks the capital of England is 'E'?

Boy's got a lot of talents you folks don't know about.

He's hiding his light under a bushel.

And I... I intend to shake that bushel off

and feel his light all over my face.

What?

Where's my fucking money?!

Nick, Jase? Hey, Lauren.

What are you so happy about?

Ah, nothing. Just a certain someone taught me how to love myself.

Good for you.

On a subject more important than your mental health,

my money's gone.

Why you looking at me? This is nice.

Feels expensive. Is that real fur?

I dunno. Linus bought it for me.

Why would General Hands buy you a fur coat?

It's called being nice. You might want to try it some time.

If I bought JJ a fur coat, I'd expect 'something' in return.

You see? A man being unable to buy another man nice things

is everything that's wrong with modern day masculinity.

Ready, Linus.

OK, pretty mouth, shine for me.

ALL: Oh, happy days

When Jesus washed

My sins away.

Psst... Psst...

Horace.

Jesus? Behind you.

Oh, Horace, it's so good to hear your voice.

Janice, is that you?

Listen to me, Horace, I don't have much time,

there are eyes everywhere.

You are no longer safe here.

Meet me outside on the corner in ten minutes. Do you understand?

Er, yeah, OK.

Brother Horace. You ready for your baptism?

I can't. Baptism can be a little scary,

but you must have faith.

Can you do a baptism in 8.5 minutes? Nah, man!

You can't rush the transformative experience

of stepping into the light of our Father, the Lord Jesus Christ.

Amen? ALL: Amen.

OK, well, quick as you can.

I know you've got my money, you creepy piece of shit.

What the fuck?

Oh, my God.

Nick.

What are you doing?

Hands said he needs some clean drawers.

Oh, all right, well.

I don't wanna piss on your chips, but General Hands is a sex pest.

What? No, no, no.

This is like my idol Bill Cosby again.

Suddenly several dozen women appear out of nowhere,

and I'm supposed to believe that they were all preyed on by one guy,

because they all happened to have the exact same story.

I will not believe it. Look.

Oh, my God. I know.

Oh, my God.

There's loads of them.

Jason's been feeling down about his weight,

Hands has been taking advantage. They must've spent hours togethers.

Sorry, what? What, are they like best friends now, or something?

Me and Hands have way more in common. Un-fuckin'-believable!

GRUNTING

Yeah, Hands got ya now, boy!

Fight back, now. Come on. Come on!

Horace.

Horace.

MUSIC: 'Blinded By Your Grace' by Stormzy

Although I'm not worthy

You fixed me

Now I'm blinded

By your grace

You came and saved me

One time for the Lord

And one time for the cause...

You are cleansed, my son.

Peace be with you, peace be with you.

Horace, are you all right?

Lauren... I'm juju-free.

Horace, you don't have bad juju. Hands is a bullshitter.

Really? Yeah.

He's got everyone brainwashed.

And more importantly, that dickhead stole my money.

Maybe he borrowed your money to pay back his band mate.

What? I heard him on the phone

saying that he's gonna pay someone back as soon as he finds a way.

That lying piece of shit. Come on. Where are we going?

To tell everyone that Hands is a bullshitter.

Brother Horace, is way you a go?

I've got to go now.

But thanks, Pastor Gabriel.

It was the best 45 minutes of my life.

Sister Gloria, me a go call you.

Sister Mavis, thanks for di bulla, yeah.

Deacon Russell and Brother Tony, me see unu later. Bless up.

Lauren.

Where are you, Horace?

Come on. Hurry up.

Where are you going?

Eurgh.

Ugh.

What are you doing? Oh! Good Lord.

Why are you throwing them away? I made these for you.

Why?! Cos it's what you like.

Oh, baby, I think you got the wrong idea.

Hey, guys, what's going on?

You took naked pictures of Jason.

What are you doing with my pictures?

Now can I say something? Say what?

We know that he manipulated you into taking these pictures.

No, he didn't. You don't have to lie for this creep.

Linus ain't no creep.

He calls you pretty mouth. I do have a pretty mouth.

Yeah. Sorry, sorry, he lets you call him Linus?

I don't even get to call him Linus.

Linus took these pictures cos I asked him to. Why?

Cos I'm beautiful. And I forgot that.

And if it wasn't for Linus, I may have never remembered.

That still doesn't explain why he took naked pictures of you.

Linus suggested we do a photo shoot to remind Victoria of my beauty.

Bullshit. These are all cock and balls.

He ain't even got rid of your double chin.

BOTH GASP

Don't you listen to her, she just a mean ass ho.

You... Whoa, whoa!

Well, who gave you the right to go through my trunk, anyhow?

I know that you stole my money.

I have never been made to feel so unwanted.

And I've been chased by the Ku Klux Klan!

SIGHS Hands is gone.

No, Hands, don't leave again!

Hands!

No, Mr Hands, what about the gig?

What about our blossoming friendship?

My money.

I knew it!

Linus.

Why is your suitcase full of dirty magazines? Oh, my God.

You were gonna sell Jason's pictures to the magazine.

What?! No.

They're just my pictures for a lil' self lovin', that's all.

"Dearest Linus.

"Thank you for your selection of pictures.

"They will appear in next month's issue of Scantily Clad Gents."

Well, Hands, he's gotta eat.

Wait, wait. I get why you wanted pictures of Jason,

but it still doesn't explain why you didn't want to hang out with me.

I find you creepy.

See you around, creepy.

Yeah, well...

Your third studio album was mediocre at best!

Weak.

Insults aren't your thing, are they, bruv?

GRUNTS

Argh!

All right, well, time to go. Gig's cancelled.

And no refunds, as we're not covered

for the main act being a dirty old man.

Maybe I'm the one with bad juju.

Come on, let's get you some meat in a tin.

Come on.

Thanks, Horace. You're a good man.

I am a good man.

Janice!

Where is the time machine?

Young man, you look a little troubled.

You wan' a little bulla cake?

JANICE BREATHES HEAVILY

Put her in the van.

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