Original subtitles

SEX NOISES

I can't take this any more.

I know. Who does DIY at this time of night? I'm joking.

Your sister's having sexual intercourse.

I've been listening to my son have sex for 45 minutes nonstop.

Totally weirded out.

But also incredibly proud.

Maybe you should talk to him, Jason. Father to son.

Obviously without actually telling him you're his dad

cos that would really fuck things up.

Yeah, you're right, I'm his father. I should have the sex talk with him.

That's what dads do, innit?

Maybe just give him advice how not to have sex.

And say what? That goes against everything I believe in.

Google it. Argh, that doesn't exist yet.

How did anyone find anything out about anything without Google?

I know, it's weird.

Have you ever heard of books?

Yeah. Course I have.

OK, Jason, what are books?

WHISPERS: I will not play your mind games.

SEX NOISES CONTINUE

OK. Tell me more about these books, then.

OK, so, one more time, just so I'm totally clear. All this is true.

That's right, all this is true.

But all this is bullshit.

Not bullshit, just fiction. They're made up stories.

So, erm... tell me, this, er...

Book.

Is this true? Or is it bullshit?

That's true.

OK, I'd like to buy this book then, please.

Oh, thank God.

So, what's this?

That's my diary.

"Based on the mysterious diary found in a bush,

"Time Bender is a startling vision of the future."

I thought you burnt my diary.

I thought I burnt your diary! Shit!

If people find out about the future before it's even happened,

it could tear a hole in the space-time continuum.

What does that even mean?

I don't know!

Are you kidding me! How could you write that?

Today, I experimented with trimming my pubes.

Not that. That!

"Sometimes Lauren can be proper selfish."

Argh, it's like turning your privacy settings off on Facebook.

Everyone trims their pubes. Right?

Do you all think I'm selfish?

Lauren, yes. Jason, sometimes.

Horace, you've gotta buy up every copy of Time Bender and destroy it.

We've gotta cut off all links to our past.

Fuck sake.

BOTTLE SMASHES

This place is a dump! What happened to the cleaner woman?

Chairman Vadim is here from Moscow. He has a job for you, Janice.

Watching television?

He believes many British television stars are also spies.

You have to watch and identify suspects.

But I am field agent.

We think perhaps this might be more your level.

TV: 'Mrs Pilkington wants me to go to the market to buy some carrots.'

Oh, and, Janice, Chairman Vadim insists you don't miss anything,

not even a second.

Thanks for helping me buy up all these copies of Time Bender, Lauren.

Uh, see, nice person, not selfish, doing things for other people.

Hi.

Wow.

We'd like to buy up all your copies of Time Bender, please.

HE CHUCKLES

THEY LAUGH

What are you laughing at?

I have absolutely no idea, Lauren.

Time Bender's all sold out, sir.

Sold the last copy this morning.

Is that a joke?

No, us and every other book shop in the city.

But it's just the ramblings of a dickhead.

Lauren, I'm literally standing right next to you.

This is probably the most important science fiction book ever written.

Horace Cunningham's imaginings of a future world

are born of a unique mind.

iPhones, Deliveroo.

Porn Hub. Genius.

Question, who do you actually think Horace Cunningham is?

No-one knows who Horace Cunningham is, his identity is a mystery.

I have my theories though.

You've gotta tell people, Horace.

Yeah, but Nick said...

Fuck Nick. Did you see who that guy said wrote your book?

All white people.

You are being whitewashed. Reclaim it. Do it for us.

Do it for the culture.

MUMBLES: Can I be your manager and split the money?

What was that last bit?

Reclaim it. Do it for us. Do it for the culture.

MUMBLES: Can I be your manager and split the money?

Lauren, you keep mumbling at that last bit.

It doesn't matter. Come on, let's go and save the world, Horace.

Bad time?

No, no, I was just rinsing out Geronimo.

My sheath has been rather busy of late.

Oh, yeah, about that. Look, sex isn't everything.

But I thought I hadn't lived

until I'd smashed my way into double figures.

You shouldn't listen to everything your bredrin tell you.

But that was you that said...

Let's not fight. I'm on your side here, champ.

I'm sorry, I'm confused.

Hormones can be confusing.

I just want you to know that everything you're feeling

is normal for a boy of your age.

I'm 32.

My God. You've grown up so fast.

I think I see what you're getting at.

You think Lauren and I are moving too quickly?

A bit fast, yeah.

Ah, you're right, old sport.

I haven't been behaving in a gentlemanly way whatsoever.

Thank you, Jason. You really are so very wise.

Ooh.

Oh, there you are, Nicky Noo-nah.

I want you to meet a great chum of mine. This is Ronnie.

I know you two will get on famously.

Ronnie is one of the best jazz sax players in the country.

But in the city, I'm awful.

THEY LAUGH

He's a gas!

This is a lovely club you've got here.

You know, I was thinking of setting up my own one actually.

Eurgh, tough business.

Oh, really?

Yeah, trust me. Very hard to make money.

You really need to be on it.

Oh, probably right. Stupid idea.

Ronnie Scott's Jazz Club. Eurgh! No, never would have caught on.

Silly Ronnie.

Silly Ronnie.

Silly Ronnie!

THEY LAUGH

You're Ronnie Scott?

Yes.

Oh, shit.

Horace Cunningham will give you an exclusive interview

on your TV show.

That's right, THE Horace Cunningham.

Yeah, he wants to reveal his identity.

I'm his manager.

KNOCKING

Fuck!

Will some fucker please invent the smartphone! Come in!

No, not you. See you Friday.

Oh, cool.

No, no, Lauren dear, no rumpy pumpy this time.

I'm here to ask if you would care to...

step out with me?

You wanna fight? It's a bit weird, but...

No, I'd like to ask you to afternoon tea some time.

That sounds dry, no thanks. Take your pants off.

I'm sorry, but I don't want to have a relationship

just based upon intercourse.

I want to treat you like a lady.

But I'm not a lady. And I don't like tea.

And all I wanna do is get right up in those bad trousers

and ride you like a broken seesaw, so, that's a no from me.

I must insist.

Let me take you out or I'm afraid I can't continue to be your...

Fuck buddy? Quite.

All right, fine, we'll go to stupid, shitty, boring afternoon tea.

Capital! We can wear hats.

Toodle pip.

JAZZ MUSIC

APPLAUSE

You know, Stan Gets and Stuff Smith are forming a new band together.

Wow, really?

Yes, it's called the Get Stuffed Quintet.

CYMBAL SOUNDS

Thank you. HE LAUGHS

Edgy humour.

Yes, it's a good joke, very funny.

Listen, about the club,

I don't want it putting you off starting your own.

But you said it was a tough business and very hard to make any money.

You got me, yes, I did say that,

but I just feel like you would make a better go of it than me.

In fact, I'd say, and, you know, this is just a hunch,

but if you did start your own jazz club

it would probably go on to be the most important jazz venue

in the world.

HE LAUGHS

That's quite a prediction.

Like I said, just a hunch.

Actually, I have seen a cracking little venue in Soho.

Yes! That, do that.

Maybe I will.

Good. Yes.

Yes.

Er, fancy playing the opening night?

Oh, my God, yes!

OK. THEY LAUGH

Great.

"May 12th, feeling well vexed, my Oyster card was on minus 60p,

"so had to schlep home from Wagamamas.

"Nana just bought a brand-new Sony Bravia super HD flat screen

"to watch the royal wedding.

"Is it weird I kind of fancy Oprah?"

That was an excerpt from Time Bender,

the science fiction novel currently topping the bestseller's list.

I'm joined tonight by Casper Barnstable of The Times,

we'll be discussing the novel and its place in the literary canon.

Lauren, I can't do it.

These people are proper clever, they're never gonna believe me.

Just put on your best white person voice. Like at job interviews.

What happened to doing it for us? The culture?

Well, you know, we're bringing the system down from within.

In Horace, you've created something of a risible, pathetic character,

yet used your own name.

Would you say the book is something of a post-modern memoir,

or is it a satire on Freud's psychic apparatus?

POSH VOICE: Absolutely.

And food plays a very prominent role, doesn't it?

Particularly KFC.

Tell me, what exactly is a boneless banquet for one?

POSH VOICE: Put simply, Casper, it's three mini breast fillets,

popcorn chicken, fries and a side.

'And would that be the same as getting a boner?'

'No, that's... I'd rather not talk about that.'

When Horace is 14, he is heavily influenced

by a musical genre you've called UK Garage.

What do you imagine that would sound like?

POSH VOICE: Well, it rather sounds something like...

Hardcore, you know the score

Rhyme so good It deserve an encore

All about the style we bring Will make you laugh

Like when you was A little child again

Smooth, that's how I roll

I got so much soul That when I step into the party

I wanna move somebody, I wanna move somebody...

What an incredible mind.

Stop! How dya like my... How dya like my...

How do you like my... Style, style, style. Switch!

Get down already.

Hey, the best thing happened, yeah.

I gave JJ some advice and he listened.

Why is Horace advertising lard?

I don't know. Nick, being a dad is such a spiritual feeling.

I think I'm gonna ask Victoria to go halves on another baby with me.

Yeah, cool. Listen, I gotta go.

Oh, do you mind leaving that?

Oh, what, you gonna practise reading?

No, we're out of toilet roll and that's just thick enough

that my finger won't go into my butthole.

What the fuck?

Switch! Hardcore, you know the score

Rhyme so good It deserve an encore

All about the style we bring Will make you laugh

Like when you was A little child again

Smooth, that's how I roll

I got so much soul That when I step into the party

I wanna move somebody, I wanna move somebody

Do you really like it? Do you really like it?

We're lovin' it, lovin' it, Lovin' it

We're lovin' it like that

Do you really like it? Is it, is it wicked?

We're lovin' it, lovin' it, Lovin' it...

No, I do not really, really like it.

How ya like my... How ya like my... How ya like my...

Style! Style!

What the fuck?

Yeah, so everything's got a little bit out of hand.

I'm actually quite a big deal at the moment.

I'm surprised you haven't noticed.

Well, I've been a bit busy

trying to save jazz for all of mankind, actually, Horace.

Jazz is fine.

Jazz is dead. Tonight, I witnessed the future.

No, Ronnie, jazz is the future.

Not according to Time Bender.

Exactly. That's why I'm pieing off this whole jazz club idea

and I'm launching Ronnie Scott's UK Garage Club

in the heart of Soho.

Bound for the re... load!

Blerka, blerka!

Yeah!

If you've killed jazz, I will never forgive you.

Don't be like that.

Check it out. Your advance for the sequel. Time Bender 2022.

Oh, there must be about ?1 million in there.

No, actually it's three grand, but that's Jay-Z money these days.

HE CHUCKLES

Wait, I don't remember agreeing to write a sequel.

Yeah, you were busy, so I, er, did it for you.

You better get started, I told them you'd be done by Wednesday.

It's Tuesday. I can't write another Time Bender book.

Course you can. You did the first one, didn't you?

Yeah, but that was just my diary.

I wrote down stuff that happened and that.

Yeah, so then just write down stuff that might happen.

You're a writer now.

A writer.

POSH VOICE: Well I suppose I am. Mm-hmm.

Hmm.

FAST JAZZ MUSIC

Oh, cocoa pod.

Come, we're having a UK Garage party.

Sick.

Freddie has made his own Adidas tracky B's.

And I've got Nike Air Maximums.

Listen, babes, I've got something important I wanna talk to you about.

Is everything all right?

It's fine, baby love, it's more than fine.

Look... being a parent's been the best thing

that's ever happened to me,

so I was thinking... let's do some more special cuddles

and have another baby.

You want us to have another child?

Let's complete the family.

The thing is, poppet,

we're somewhat broke right now and babies are terribly expensive.

I'll get a job. There's gotta be a Sports Direct round here.

It's not just that, darling, it's just, oh...

How can I put it? I can't...

..be bothered. We're having too much fun.

A baby's such a terrible drag on your social life.

Come on, darling, let's dance.

Hettie's on the ones and twos.

Bass.

You finished?

POSH VOICE: Not quite.

Horace, mate, there's about a thousand geeks camped outside

waiting for this book.

POSH VOICE: I can't do it. My muse has simply abandoned me.

I'm not being funny, but you did sign a contract.

No, I didn't.

All right, I signed a contract,

but I did it in your name, so, same thing.

POSH VOICE: I can't work like this!

Just write something about getting a new phone.

POSH VOICE: Who can you possibly say what mobile phones will look like

in 2022.

It's simply inconceivable to imagine what may come after the iPhone 10S.

Horace, I don't wanna put you under any pressure,

but you are the voice of a generation.

And I've spent the advance on a shitty feather hat, so...

SHE CLAPS

..chop, chop!

I don't hear typing.

Thank you for agreeing to this.

I'd like to start again with our courtship.

This time, adhering to good old-fashioned values.

Is that OK? Not really.

Darling, what is it you object to?

Chaperone's a bit weird for a start.

Thanks anyway, Agatha.

Lauren, I just want us to get to know each other

without any distractions.

Pfft! What? Oh, sorry, yeah.

Let's talk then.

Well...

Do...

Mmm.

Shall we go and have intercourse?

Fuck yeah.

Something on your mind?

POSH VOICE: Oh, it's useless. I can't write.

I know what you mean, bruv. All them words, all them letters.

It's confusing.

No, I can't finish my book.

I'm gonna disappoint thousands of people.

Fuck!

What's getting you down?

Victoria doesn't wanna have another baby with me.

At least you don't have Nick moaning at you for...

IMITATES NICK: ..messing up the future.

That guy's losing it, I swear.

Like banging on about the space-time condominium and that.

He's bare paranoid.

If I told the world the truth about coming here in a time machine,

I guarantee nothing would happen.

Trust.

Fuck!

Actually... that could work.

I could tell my fans I'm an actual time traveller,

they won't care that there's no new Time Bender

if they know that I'm from the future.

Girls would go nuts for it.

You think?

Guaranteed, bruv.

Who don't wanna have sex with the future?

Thanks, Jace.

I really feel like we've made a breakthrough here.

Who needs Nick?

Nick the prick.

GLASSES CHINK

BOTH: Fuck!

So, the thing is, Cynthia, there will be no Time Bender 2022

because where I'm from, 2022 hasn't happened yet, do you understand?

Where you're from being...?

2019.

Of course.

So, the truth is, me and my friends are from the future.

Well, your future.

It's, kind of, my past except we didn't come in a phone box

'like Doctor Who, not that you know who that is yet,

'cos it hasn't happened,'

but I swear, when you do, you'll like him, or her.

Spoiler alert. Oh, shit, sorry.

I'm waffling, I'm nervous. The fact of the matter is...

..I'm a time traveller.

What the fuck you do that for?

Don't worry, Lauren, my fans will believe me.

Liar! Liar! Liar!

OK, seems to have backfired.

PHONE RINGS

Hello? Ronnie Scott's Jazz Club.

Jazz club? What happened to the UK Garage?

Nick! No, no-one's listening to UK Garage any more, Nick.

No. There's only so many times

you can listen to someone shout "selecta"

without actually wondering what it is you're meant to be selecting.

I cannot tell you how relieved I am to hear you say that.

So, how's the opening night going?

Rather slowly, I'll be honest.

The bouncers are simply chucking them in. Not out, in.

HE LAUGHS

Very good. Hey, I'm sure things will pick up when me and my band play.

Yes, Nick, about that, I don't think that we can have

your band playing, what with the way your singer is and all.

Horace?

He's completely lost the plot.

Reckons he's travelled from the year 2019 in a lift,

we've had to book General Hans instead.

'Fuck sake!'

Oh, don't worry, Nick, all the best jazz heads are a bit mad.

HE LAUGHS

What the fuck?

I made a mistake.

Oh! You reckon?

Nick, you get very sassy when you're angry.

HIGH PITCHED: Bitch!

Look, I'm sorry, but I need to explain it all to Lauren.

SEX NOISES

Actually, I think I'll catch her tomorrow instead.

How many times did I need to say to you, Horace,

don't talk about being...

WHISPERS: from the future.

What does it matter? Turns out no-one takes me seriously anyway.

You need to just relax.

Nothing bad is gonna happen because no-one's watching us.

TV: 'The fact of the matter is... I'm a time traveller.'

Janice has gone. We've checked everywhere. What do we do?

Argh! You find her!

Grr, hmm.

Oh, and whilst we're here,

not all people in the future wax their back, sack and crack.

Just some people... including me...

..as a treat.

Subtitles by TVT

Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0