Original subtitles

Mmm, summer is hearts.

Yeah. Sun's out, buns out.

BIKE BELL DINGS Oi oi! Lucky saddle!

Urgh, gross. Summer of love, big bro.

Girl's gotta eat.

Sweethearts! Are we perching on doorsteps nowadays?

How charmingly down at heel.

Just catching a few rays while we can.

What d'ya know, I didn't think you chaps could tan!

Nice.

Excuse me. Hi, JJ.

What are you doing? What do you care?

He's my son, innit.

Oh, shit, yeah, I forgot to say.

So when we were in the '20s, I got Victoria pregnant

and now I've got a son who's five years older than me.

Yeah, probably should have mentioned that.

Soz.

He's definitely got your forehead.

I can't believe that sexy caramel latte is your son.

Can everyone shut up while I work what to do.

While you work out what to do?

This is my decision.

I've made up my mind, I'm keeping my baby!

He's a full-grown adult man.

My God, you're right.

I've got so much to catch up on.

I've gotta teach him to swim, to shave.

To get dope waves with a do-rag.

Well, I, for one, am very happy for you, Jason.

Oh! Shotgun godfather.

I'm just saying...

if 32-year-old JJ

finds out that 27-year-old Jason is his father,

he's gonna find it a bit weird,

and then it's just a matter of time

before he figures out that we're from the future

and that we came here in a time machine!

Nah, I think you're being a bit paranoid, Nick.

Oh, am I? Am I?!

If it gets out, people will talk to people,

who will talk to people,

who will talk to spy people.

I'm not gonna lie to you,

I don't think anyone really listens to black people in the '50s.

Wake up and smell the news-coffee, Horace!

It's the Cold War!

Everyone's being watched, even black people.

Stupid Russian spies, ruining everything.

Right, yeah, so that,

but if JJ ever needs tucking up in bed, you give me a shout, yeah?

OK, Lauren. I'm gonna say something really important.

You can tell cos this is my important face,

you see that? I see it.

Do not smash my son. Do you understand? Well, what if I...

I'll say it again, Lauren!

Do not...

smash...

my son.

Fine.

I won't smash your son.

Oh.

Wha'm, baby-love?

Actually, I'm just saying goodbye to Mummy before I go to work.

Oh. Ooh.

Obviously, you want this.

I want this.

But I appreciate it's the '50s

and you guys like a softly-softly approach

so I'm gonna give you 24 hours to...

make it happen.

A fine offer.

Alas, my mother's currently writing invitations for a debutante's ball,

she wants to find me a wife.

Oh, this is going to be the blast of all blasts.

I'm inviting society's wealthiest ladies.

We'll have you married off to a pimply young virgin in no time.

This party could give you the life that I had -

yachting on the Med,

drinking Krug out of a Maharajah's turban,

making love on a zeppelin.

I could give you all those things.

Obviously, not the yacht or the turban,

and I don't really know what a zeppelin is,

but the sex thing I am all over.

If I were courting, rest assured you would be top of my dance card.

JJ! Ooh, wait up!

Almost missed you there, champ.

Fancy a... kick-about?

Erm...

No. Thank you. I'm just off to work.

What time do you finish?

Five, but I...

I'll be there. Promise.

A few sweeties.

WHISPERS: Don't tell your mum.

Lovely. Off you go.

And don't talk to strangers!

RUSSIAN ACCENT: This is Janice from Huddersfield

calling Trevor from Skegness.

Come in, Trevor.

'Trevor is out. This is Alan from Grimsby.'

Alan, please tell Trevor that I need more time.

I will have the dossier with him by noon tomorrow.

'No, you have had long enough.

'If Trevor is not reading your dossier by breakfast tomorrow,

'we are bringing you in.'

Breakfast?

You must understand.

I believe I am on the verge of discovering...

secret time-travelling technology.

'Hm. Interesting.

'When were you thinking?'

Brunch?

'What is brunch?'

It is after breakfast, before lunch, erm...

You know, 11:00, 11:30 if you wanna be loose with it.

'OK, brunch is fine.'

Oh, good. Give me your stuff.

What you doing? I just upgraded.

I am destroying everything that proves we're from the future world.

Bro, what the fuck? Can I keep my diary?

No, of course not!

Still think you're being paranoid.

You're being not paranoid if they're watching you.

D'you know what?

I'm actually ready to forget the future.

I belong here with my family.

Feels weird, though, like burning all our stuff

actually means we're not going back.

Oh, don't worry, mate, Nick can't start a fire anyway. Oh, yeah?

Tell that to my Duke of Edinburgh Gold, bitch!

Gold.

Wait, no, one sec.

Gold.

Gold. No, no, no. Wait, bear with me.

No, no, come back.

Getting embarrassing.

What are you crying for?

JJ!

JJ! Over here!

See. Promised I'd meet you after work.

Right, I've got lots planned for us

and I told your mum I'd have you home by seven.

HE YELPS

Would you like to go higher? No.

This height will suffice, thank you.

So, you excited for your party?

Find yourself a lady for life?

You're what, 32?

Yeah, time to settle.

You've been smashing it since you were what? 15?

14?

13?

Raw. Hardly.

I went from boarding school into the army,

and at Cambridge, the girls were more keen to study than neck.

Whoa!

You mean you've never...?

Oh, if we're...

talking about what I think we're talking about, then...

not really. Whoa, that is bleak.

But it's not too late.

Sure, get yourself a wife at the party,

but you gotta get smashing before that.

Till you've smashed through double figures,

you ain't lived.

Smash it.

OK, my go.

Woo! Hee-hee!

RADIO FREQUENCIES BUZZ

CLANG

Help! Help!

Help! My foot's stuck in the bucket!

HE CHUCKLES

No, nothing?

My name's Horace, by the way.

Janice Higginthwaite.

I was born in Huddersfield.

I went on to study technical drawing at Hartlepool Arts College.

Oh.

Horace Cunningham. I was born in Peckham.

I studied BTEC level 1 in Childcare and I'm allergic to yeast.

You're a very warm person.

Oh, sorry, my hands get really sweaty when I'm nervous.

You're funny.

So, Victoria's having this party for JJ.

Obviously, you know that because you're doing the decorations,

which look delightful, by the way.

Ah...

Anyway, I was thinking of maybe going to said party,

and I was thinking of maybe taking someone with me,

but then I thought, "Don't be stupid, Horace!

"Who's gonna wanna go with you anywhere? Dickhead."

But then I had this crazy idea that maybe... Well...

Yes?

Well, uh... Would you...

NICK: 'Fire!

'Man has made fire!'

What is Nicholas doing?

Oh, he's just burning all of our stuff.

I must go.

No, Janice...!

I can help you. No, thanks.

Really, it's no trouble. Seriously, back off.

It took me five hours to get this going.

Uh... because the wood was damp.

You're a very...

alluring man.

Oh, are you a groupie?

Is this because I'm in a band?

Yes.

Amazing!

So, uh... how does this work?

I mean, do we just go straight to it, or...?

Yes. Ah, sweet.

I knew those trumpet lessons would pay off eventually.

So what I meant to say was,

"Would you like to come to the ball with me?"

Oh.

Oh, all right, uh...

Is this nice?

That's really nice.

All right?

Got your invite.

Stiff card, gold embossed.

I like to do things properly.

Oh.

Nice place.

What the fuck is that?! Oh, that's Bertie.

He's my tortoise.

Oh, he's such a character.

Aren't you, Bertie? My little tortywortoise.

Yes, you are, my boy.

Right, well, I thought you were NFI.

Not Fucking Interested.

I...

took some advice from a friend.

Please sit.

We have boeuf en croute,

potatoes gratin.

Cool.

What's for pud? Spotted dick.

Fuck, yeah!

Let's eat!

Oh, cracking spread.

What was that again, something feet?

Chateau Lafite.

My favourite.

Right, shall we away to the boudoir?

There's something different about you, Lauren.

I can't quite put my finger on it.

Come through to the boudoir and I'll help you put your finger on it.

I'm talking dirty, work with me.

Oh, gosh, I'm sorry.

I must admit, I'm rather new to all this.

Well, don't worry, I'm not.

Why don't we just start with some heavy petting and see what happens.

OK.

Well...

Something the matter?

Nah, just getting this odd feeling.

Is it the spotted dick repeating?

No, it's...

it's guilt.

I promised someone I wouldn't do this.

Someone special in your life?

Yeah, me. Which is why it's so weird I give a shit.

What the fuck is wrong with me?

What were you doing in there? Nothing!

We didn't even dry hump. Oh, thank God,

because the idea of you and my baby boy, eurgh!

What's that supposed to mean?

You know...

you're trash. What?

I mean, you're nasty.

But you know that, right?

I mean, that's why we love you. You're trash, but...

in a good way.

But not in a way I'd want you near my beautiful baby boy.

Screw you, Jason.

Screw you.

And screw your son, who I'm gonna screw to screw you.

What? Yeah, that's right.

I'm gonna bang your boy.

I'm gonna bang...

his... brains...

out.

HE GASPS

You will not!

You will not touch the apple of my eye!

I'm gonna bang him.

Oh, that's nice.

Mm. I'm very aroused.

Very... HE GROANS

Wow. This is amazing.

Sorry. Oh, sorry. Erm... just to check,

this is entirely consensual

and you're not looking for any kind of commitment?

Of course. Oh, great.

I'm gonna go wash my penis.

Ah! Bozhe moi!

Victoria...

why does my club look like a shit circus?

Isn't it scrumptious?

It's for JJ's debutante ball.

No. No! This is a sacred church of jazz.

Oh, Nicky Noo-Nah, you must understand.

I simply couldn't host the cream of London society

in a house where four black chaps live.

Many of my esteemed guests are rather...

Oh, sorry, what is that word you keep on saying?

Racist.

Exactly. Some of them are rather that.

Great. So I have to welcome a bunch of bigots into my jazz club.

Drippingly rich bigots, darling.

That said, if anyone asks,

JJ is brown because I lay with an Italian prince, understood?

I just want you to know that this goes against all of my principles.

Uh- huh.

Now, do you think I should lay the amphetamines on every table?

Oh, darling, why are you washing your penis in the sink?

I'm gonna go have sex with the cleaning lady. Marvellous!

Nothing like a good root with the help.

Have fun. Thank you.

HE WHISTLES

Hello?

Cleaning woman?

Hello?

HE SIGHS

Washed my penis for nothing.

This is Janice calling Alan. Come in, Alan.

'This is Alan.'

Great news.

The dossier is complete.

'You have the evidence?'

A diary, it's all the proof we need.

Alan, what will happen to the targets?

'Oh, the usual.

'We'll bring them in, interrogate them,

'and anally probe them

'at our underground research facility in Nizhny Novgorod.'

Hello. Oh, hello.

Just thought I'd pop out for a sit down.

I love a good sit down, don't you?

What is that you're holding?

It's called a corsage. I made it from wild flowers.

I was gonna give it to you when I asked you to the ball,

but it doesn't matter now, cos you're going with Nick, innit, so...

Why would you think that?

I saw you two together.

That was not what it looked like.

It's all right, like.

Nick's a really nice guy, you know, so I'm happy for you both.

I'll just throw this in the bin, then.

Der'mo.

Good morning. It's about to be.

I thought I was off limits. You're back on.

In a big way.

VICTORIA: 'JJ, darling!'

Are you serious?!

Look how many people are coming to your debutante ball!

Are you all right, darling?

You look a little qwah-qwah. Yep. Fine.

Oh, golly, were you playing with your little soldier? No! Mother...

Don't worry, darling, it's perfectly natural.

Would you like to borrow some of mummy's lingerie catalogues?

No, thank you.

Well... keep a little in reserve

because, miracle upon miracles,

all the invites we've sent out have come back with a yes!

The Smedgley-Smythes, the Marquess of Cheam.

Only the Earl of Huntsmead declined

because Lady Regina died of lockjaw in the Sudan.

Ah, excellent news.

I know, isn't it!

So, carry on.

Just keep it off the valance, darling.

Oh, to be young and virile.

I'm terribly sorry, Lauren, but I'm not really in the mood any more.

Yeah, me neither.

I found your tortoise.

Bertie.

My angel lover

I swear by all the stars

That there could be no other

I hold you in my arms

And dreams come true today...

Right...

let's get ready to party with 50 teenage virgins!

No, no, no, no, no, precious.

No jiggery-pokery. I've only got eyes for you.

Oh, my chocolate eclair!

Mummy, Princess Margaret is outside.

Margaret is not a virgin, I know that as a fact!

She's not going to get her dirty paws on you. Tell her no.

Ooh, can I touch your skin?

Can I smash your teeth in?

GLASS SMASHES

Where's that cleaning woman?

That "cleaning woman" has a name.

Yeah, what is it?

I said she has a name, I didn't say I know it.

It's Janice.

Janice Higginthwaite.

No, Margaret, you dirty cat!

You're soiled goods and you know it!

Out! MARGARET SCREAMS

THUD

I was wrong, Alan.

The targets are of no interest.

I believed that their peculiar ways

were because they were from the future.

But on reflection, it is because they are immigrants

and merely acting in the manner of their homeland.

'Weeks in the field, and you say this now?

'That you have wasted your time?'

I do not feel as though I have wasted my time.

'What? What do you mean?

'Hello? Hello?

'Are you there?

'Janice?

'Hello?'

Do what lovers do

Right from the start...

Honestly, I've never seen

such a boring bunch of baa baa's in my life.

Oh, my God, look at that one.

Darling, this is Lady Morag of Falkirk,

heiress to the Caruthers estate.

Lady Morag, your gift.

And apparently, Lady Morag is going to sing a metrical psalm.

Ooh!

Keep an open mind, darling, she's incredibly rich.

Whom have I in the heavens high

But thee, O Lord...

You see, that's the kind of girl my little boy should be getting with.

She dresses like a shit nan.

Well, maybe not her, but you know, like one of them.

They're sophisticated, educated...

Racist.

D'you know Victoria's tellin' everyone JJ's dusky

because he's half Italian?

Yeah, well, baby needs new shoes.

You're quiet, Horace.

You all right?

I suppose.

Cool.

Fancy livening this party up?

I've had more fun getting my pum-pum waxed.

I could do a number. I suppose this soiree does need to tun up a bit.

Oh, can we not?

We're supposed to be, erm... playing parlour games after this.

All right, I'll just blow up some balloons.

Dick.

Good evening, everyone.

I have a message for a JJ from Lauren.

Let me tell you 'bout this girl

Maybe I shouldn't

I met her in Philly

And her name was Brown Sugar

See, we be making love constantly

That's why my eyes are the shade blood burgundy

The way that we kiss is unlike any other way

That I be kissin' when I'm kissin' What I'm missin' won't you listen?

Brown Sugar babe

I gets high off your love I don't know how to behave

Ah

I want some of your Brown Sugar

Ah

Can I cut in?

Back off, haggis tits.

I want some of your Brown Sugar

Ah

I want some of your Brown Sugar

Ah...

Get in.

Obviously, I'd prefer JJ to marry someone filthy rich.

As opposed to just filthy.

Typical.

We spend the night in a room full of desperate virgins

and we still end up alone.

Did you not find anyone you like, Horace?

No, I did, actually. Yeah? What happened to her?

She liked someone else.

Oh, well. He was probably a dickhead, anyway.

Dickhead.

Fancy a dance?

Ah.

I'd be delighted.

So...

here we are at last.

Here we are at last.

Good gracious.

You promise you'll be gentle with me?

Oh.

My sweet little babyccino,

nothing about this is gonna be gentle.

HE YELPS

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