Original subtitles

All right, Lauren.

Spend it wisely.

You know what?

You remind me of me at your age.

You were a 25-year-old black woman?

HE SCOFFS Get out of it.

Tit.

All right, Lauren? All right, girls?

Lauren, as a woman, of sorts,

do you not mind getting them out for the pleasure of men?

I don't get them out, you dick.

I'm security. Anyway, that place is all side boob and feathers.

Side boob?

We have not travelled through the infinite reaches of time

for side boob.

We are starting our residency at The Blue Flamingo Club

supporting General Hands.

Remember when Dad first played us some General Hands?

I do. You got a boner and excused yourself to the bathroom.

Yeah. That is what is called an emotional erection.

Guess you're feeling pretty emotional right now.

Damn right I am. HE CHUCKLES

Er... Nick?

What's going on?

Blue Flamingo's a rock 'n' roll club now, innit?

Jazz is dead, mate.

No.

No!

No!

HE WHIMPERS

Oh, it's so good to have you back, my little, chocolate cupcake.

It's good to be back, my...

Milk... HE CHUCKLES

Your yard is different to last time. It's a lot more, like...

What's a nice word for shit?

Oh, it's not mine, darling.

An air raid smashed my house to bits.

Luckily, my brother died so I got his.

Oh, what a touch! I know!

Oh! Oh!

Er... Did you call us in here to watch?

Oh, so sorry, darlings.

Now, this is terribly awkward.

Hate to ask, but I am practically on the breadline

so if you're planning on staying, I do rather need rentingtons.

Rent? ?1 a month each.

All right. Don't shit a brick.

I'll sort you out a payday loan at a very reasonable 300% interest.

Oh, thanks so much! Erm, thank you, but no, thanks.

I don't want your titty money. Suit yourself.

Good luck on the streets. I don't need luck.

My mother, jazz, will feed me from her brassy teat.

Oh, darlington, darlington,

a coloured chap cannot wander the streets alone at this time of night!

No, I tell you what, you can stay here for nothing.

Oh, right, thanks.

In the garden.

What the fuck?

I see you found my jazz club.

Your what? My jazz club.

We ran it for the boys in the war.

Give the poor dears a last hurrah before their certain deaths.

JAZZ MUSIC PLAYS

I've just had the most amazing idea.

Why don't we turn this place into a jazz club?

Yes... Darling, that's exactly what it was.

You could clean it up and it'd be right as rain.

I mean, we just need to clean it up and it will be perfect.

Parfait.

Now, I left a small pillbox down here.

It's about yea big and full of naughty salt.

So, if you find it, will you let me know immediately?

Nothing like a cheeky toot before bed.

If I build it...

..jazz will come.

You gonna get out of my way or shall I just piss on your feet?

DOOR OPENS

Munch it all up, darling. I want you to stay strong.

Mwah! Mwah!

Morning.

Shit, sorry, dude. What for?

Well, clearly they're banging.

Nah, that's just some guy.

Toria's broke so she's renting out rooms.

Mate. Some fit, black guy comes out of her room with a tin of meat.

Does Victoria share her meat with you?

No, but maybe she doesn't know I'm into meat.

Look, me and Vic are solid.

Back together like Bey and Jay,

Snoop and Dre, Meghan and that ginger guy.

All right. Long as you're cool with her double dipping.

Oh, shut up, man. Just cos some guy

the same age, race and build as her boyfriend

comes out of her room...

Oh, shit.

There she is. Treacle cheeks.

I've been thinking about this place's future.

Feathers and side boobs are all right, but they're a bit lame.

In a few years, it's gonna be all poles,

laps and 50 quid a dance. Oh, yeah?

How do you know that? It's progress, isn't it?

You can't stop it, but you can pre-empt it and get rich.

Both of us.

I like your ambition, love,

but this is a man's business. What do women know about stripping?

HE CHUCKLES

I'll show you what women know about stripping, you colossal dick splash!

Oh, my gosh. What is this place?

This... is London's newest jazz club.

Is it? This is where I'll save jazz.

This stage will be graced by the likes of Charlie Parker,

Dizzy Gillespie, John Coltrane and the one and only, General Hands.

Wow. Oh, can I be a part of it? Yeah, of course!

Pick a role. Er... Janitor!

No! Head janitor!

How about assistant deputy manager?

Ladies and gentlemen,

welcome to the Wu-Tang Clan Jazz Band Land! Yeah!

Or welcome to Nick's World Famous Jazz Club!

Yeah, yeah! Or...

It's not open for discussion. OK.

"Dear Mr General L Hands, I am a huge fan."

HE CHUCKLES Listen to me,

I sound like a 12-year-old girl. HE CHUCKLES

I'm not.

"I am Nick Walton of Nick's World Famous Jazz Club

"and it would be a dream come true if you played my jazz joint.

"I can guarantee you a pure,

"unadulterated jazz experience including industry minimum fee.

"I can't wait to hear from you.

"Lots of love, from your biggest fan, Nick.

"PS, I've enclosed a lock of my afro."

I'll bring you flowers

In the pouring rain

Living without you Is driving me insane

I'll bring your flowers

I'll make your day

Those tears you cry I'll dry them all away...

Here, can you keep it down?

We're trying to play a game of Whist.

Oh, God, I'm so sorry for interrupting your game

by playing jazz in a jazz club. How inconsiderate of me.

You know it's all rock 'n' roll now.

Only flashers and nonce cases listen to jazz.

OK, we're gonna take a quick five. No, no, no.

Please don't stop, I've just found my cocaine.

Up the hatch! SHE SNIFFS

I hate Len so much.

How's he gonna tell me I don't know about strip clubs?

I've been watching Lil Kim videos since the early noughties.

Yeah, well, I hate Victoria.

I mean, how you gonna shack up with some next bredder

when man's took a time machine,

a ras clart time machine, to be with you?

Look, a Singer with a singer.

Yeah, nice one, Horace.

I hate this. Where's all the beatniks?

The beboppers, the jazz heads? Where's all the people?

Well, if you want bums on seats, I could get you bums on seats.

What kind of bums? Cash-laden, party-loving bums.

All over your seats.

All above board, right? You want them or not?

HE BELCHES Better out than in.

I want bums on seats.

MACHINE STATIC

All right, and fan up, breasts out, bang, great, nice.

I don't want any breathing space between the norks.

And bang, nice, watch the thing, snaky, beautiful.

Cheeks, breasts. Fab! Next! What the hell is this?

Bums on seats, mon frere. Strippers?

Dancers, please. You want a crowd? You'll get a crowd.

You can't make an omelette without breaking some tits out.

Yeah, I don't think that's a saying.

Right, everybody off. We're shutting this down.

What is your problem? It's demeaning to jazz!

And women.

This is not your average, low rent strip club. Right, Horace?

Correct. This is a feminist strip club.

All the girls will represent a strong, female role model...

with tassels!

I want everybody out.

Fine. You go and tell the punters outside, then.

Gladly.

So, you gonna tell them to piss off, then?

So, she's the warrior, Queen Boudicca and I've designed it

so that whenever she waves her sword, her costume...

falls off. It's very empowering.

Too much? Not enough?

Can someone help hold my boobs while I put my bra on?

Wow.

I've never seen you not look at boobs before.

You even had a peek at my nana's at the chapel of rest.

Yeah, out of respect. Sorry, brother. I got it bad.

Why don't you talk to Victoria?

From the heart, ask her whether she's sleeping with him.

I mean, you need to know. Yeah.

You're right. Thanks, Horace. Yeah, that's all right.

Excuse me.

EASTERN EUROPEAN ACCENT: I'm just cleaner, I saw nothing suspicious.

No. You're not just a cleaner though, are you?

Er... You're a...

fashion icon!

I mean, just look at that tabard, I love it.

CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS, SHE GROANS

What is that? Is it camera? No, it's a phone...

Not a phone. It's just a pack of cigarettes.

But the flash. That's a torch.

So that you can light your cigarettes in the dark.

Bye.

Victoria, I need to know what's going on with you and him.

Sorry? Painting him, giving him your meat.

Sweetheart, this is you.

It's him or me.

Dear heart, JJ is my son.

HE CHUCKLES

Yeah, that's, like, the oldest excuse in the book.

Is it? Yeah, we've all used that one.

I would have thought that the pictures

were a little bit of a giveaway.

Wait, what? Who's that? My husband.

Hugo Rutherford-Fine. You're married?

He died in the war.

That's such good news.

Cos I thought you and JJ were together,

like, banging each other and shit.

No, darling. You're my only velvet cocoa pod.

Oh!

Oh, that's so hot, you adopting a brown baby.

You're like Madonna or something.

I'll bring you flowers

In the pouring rain

Living without you

Is driving me insane

I'll bring you flowers

I'll make your day

Those tears you cry

I'll dry them all away, away...

Yeah! Ooh, I like that!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

What a night. Oh, it was incredible!

I mean, the place was packed and they were so into the jazz,

they barely even looked at the breasts.

Oh, I looked. I looked a lot.

I've been thinking, these girls, they work hard, right?

Well, if you consider standing round in big arse pants hard work,

then, yeah, I suppose. And you're making a lot of money.

Damn right. Which is why

me and the girls have been thinking we should become a co-op.

Like the one near my house with the Big Issue guy outside?

No, no, no. That's The Co-op.

He's talking about a co-op.

Where everyone is treated equally and gets their fair share,

including sick pay, holiday pay

and maternity leave. That will ruin us.

Well, if you don't agree,

then, maybe, the girls will forget how to get them out.

All right, you got a deal. CHEERING

You better pull out all the stops tomorrow night.

I want a tit-swinging extravaganza, you got it?

A morally responsible tit-swinging extravaganza.

Got it.

JAZZ MUSIC PLAYS

General Hands.

General, General Hands, sir!

It's me. It's Nick. Nick Walton, I wrote to you.

Yeah, you did.

But I must have got the wrong address!

Whoa, wait, wait.

Where you going? Please, come in, play with us.

This ain't my scene, baby. Hands don't play no titty bar!

Titty bar? No, it's a jazz club.

HE SCOFFS

You see them things bouncing around on the stage?

Thems is titties. And they in a bar.

So, that makes this a titty bar! Nasty!

No, please!

Mr Hands, don't go!

Mr Hands, give me one more chance, please!

Mr Hands!

Hands!

Fine! What do you know?

I'm single-handedly keeping jazz alive in Britain.

Fuck you, Hands!

HE SIGHS Oh, come on.

Word spread about our pension scheme.

This lot have quit Len's club to come and work for us.

They all want a piece of Nick's World Famous Club.

Nick's World Famous Jazz Club.

Look. I've got planning approval from the council

to build three floors of private dancing and discrete VIP rooms.

We'll dig down to create a nudist bar in the basement

with a pool and a sex swing.

Remember in 2018 when you went on that Women's March?

Yeah, that will be then. This is now.

I'm still a woman

and when I'm running Nick's World Famous Stupid Club,

I'm gonna make sure it's kept lady-friendly.

Track two off the menu, Johnnies de rigueur,

creeps and pedoes logged and tagged.

Is there gonna be any jazz playing in this club?

There'll be jazz mags, do they count?

This is my club. This is my vision and you're...

I mean, you're jizzing all over it!

'Julius, are you there?'

They have technology far more advanced than our own.

A curious device that is telephone, can instantly take photograph,

yet also carry cigarette. 'Ah, king size?'

I cannot determine. 'Intriguing.

'Bring me this device, I need evidence.

'Only then will I believe you.'

HE HANGS UP

SHE SIGHS

My first husband gave me many things,

but carnal pleasure was not one of them.

Oh, is that why you adopted JJ?

To fill the void in your dry-arse marriage?

I've got a tiny, teeny confession to make.

JJ was not adopted.

What?

But how can two white people have a brown baby?

Look, he's got six toes.

There's only one way a baby of mine could have six toes.

Babes, I don't know what you're talking about.

Hugo...

is not his father. Oh!

Oh, who was, then? Oh, my Nubian prince.

JJ was born 32 years ago.

Not that long after you left.

Do you know why he's called JJ?

The second J stands for Junior

and the first J stands for...

Jason. HE CHUCKLES

That's my name! Oh, you know, if I had a son,

I always thought I'd call him Jason Junior.

Man, we got bare stuff in common.

Night.

And one, two, three, four, five,

six, seven, eight and one...

Oh, my God! Len's here!

You took all my girls!

Not a single Bristol left on my stage!

I didn't take, they came.

It ain't right for a son to have to make his own mum

get her norks out on stage just to keep his business afloat!

I trusted you, Lauren! Like you was family.

Yeah, that's always a mistake.

I've come for my girls! Boys...

Nets. THEY SCREAM

Over my dead body! You what?

You'll have to take me first. Wait, why? Your brother rang.

Said I could pick them up any time.

What? Oh...

Yes, I didn't like the direction my jazz club was heading in.

Fuck your club, you dick!

It's always men, pigs, oppressors.

I was gonna give these girls a chance to earn some proper money.

Branch out into phone sex, high-end pornos.

I am sick of men crushing women's hopes and dreams!

Time is up!

THEY SCREAM

You're all bad!

Here, what's happened to all the boobs?

Oh, they've taken a sabbatical. We empowered them a bit too much.

SHE SIGHS Oh, damn these pinching shoes, man.

Put them away, no-one wants to see your freaky six toes.

Who has six toes? You have.

One. Two.

Three. Three.

Four.

What comes after four? Three.

We've had three, haven't we? Five.

Good. Mm-hm.

Sss... Six.

Six.

Six.

"JJ was born not long after you left.

"J is for Jason, Jason, Jason.

"J is for Junior, Junior, Junior, Junior.

"Only my baby boy has six toes, six toes, six toes, six toes.

"Six toes, six toes, six toes."

Shit.

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