Original subtitles

Everytime I pause she look at me Everytime I pause she look at me

I'm gonna tell my momma Don't send me down here...

God almighty! Yo, look 'pon dis one.

She sweet, don't it? Eh, you know her?

Nuh, man, left she alone. That woman 'ave fire in a she belly!

You don't know what ya' talking 'bout.

Me 'ave water in my belly. Make me cool her down.

Boo! Argh! Ugh!

Move away! What is wrong with you? A joke me a mek, me man. Me sorry!

You lucky me never broke my foot off inna ya' rass.

Oh, God, look how ya' nose a bleed!

An' you de' one do it! Sorry, man, sorry.

Me name Aston, by the way. Myrtle.

You owe me a new handbag.

Then sings my soul My saviour God, to thee

How great thou art How great thou art

Then sings my soul My saviour God, to thee

How great thou art How great thou art...

I am so sorry for your loss.

But I categorically refuse to play Angels by Robbie Williams.

I will be playing jazz

because it's perfect for every occasion.

Just give it up, Nick. Let jazz go. I have and I'm happier for it.

You're regional sales manager for a dairy-free cheese firm.

Yeah, Lauren's right. Fill your life with something else.

Find love in Christ, like me and Sheila.

We're engaged! God be with you.

Right. What about Victoria?

Who? The love of your life, who you could never move on from?

Oh, Victoria?

Nah, she was just good times, and the best sex I ever had.

Well, just cos you two losers bailed on the band,

doesn't mean Horace and I have.

Why's he so upset? I think his nan's dead.

They had a row before she died. Oh, did she try to slap his legs?

Cos she did that to everyone. She was a right bitch. What?

The woman was violent, Nana Myrtle was a fat, mean bitch.

Oh, you all right, Horace? That's not very nice, is it, Lauren?

Yeah, she was handy with her fists and could be a "B word,"

but she was my nana! Horace, bruv, where're you going?

Your nan's not gonna bury herself, man.

Nice one, Lauren. What? Man, why's everyone so miserable today?

I missed him. He was jumping on a bus to Peckham with Homeless Pete.

Why's he going to Peckham...

OH, SHIT!

Horace, stop! Wait!

No, Nick! No. I have to go back to last Thursday, about 8pm,

Emmerdale was about to start,

and that's when Nana fell down the stairs.

If I can just warn her...

Horace, you can't do that, all right? We can't alter the past.

Remember Back To The Future, when Marty McFly starts disappearing

because he stops his mum meeting his dad?

What, no-one's seen Back To The Future?

No, I didn't get round to it. No, I haven't seen it.

There's no black people in it.

Ooh, but I have seen the porn version.

He does bang his mum. Look, I'm not gonna bang my nana.

So, just don't worry about me, I'll be fine. No, no, no!

NO!

Well, we tried. We've gotta go after him!

Sorry, are you insane? The last time we got in the time machine,

we were chased by a pack of velociraptors! Guys...

..I think this is a time machine!

Argh! Fuck sake. HE LAUGHS

Homeless Pete, take us back to whenever you took Horace.

Er, two minutes to eight last Thursday! Come on, Nick!

For fuck's sake, Nicholas! What the fuck am I doing?

Wait, are we going back in time again?

BEEPING We're coming for you, Horace!

BEEPING, CAMERA CLICKS

BELL RINGS

When the hell are we?

I'm guessing not last Thursday night just before Emmerdale.

Do you reckon Vodafone will send me one of those texts,

like when you're abroad. Doubt it.

We're in 19-fucking-58.

No! 1958, as in just before 8pm, not the year!

Homeless Pete, you di.. How the fuck does he keep doing that?

Oh, this is just great. This is just perfect. I mean,

why are we never taken to a decade where black people are liked?

What decade would that be? Well...

We should just go home.

Not without Horace. How do we even know he's here?

His bum bag's still warm.

Wait! Does this mean I can see Victoria again?

Not all olden-times are the same. There's more than one olden-time.

Victoria! I'm back, baby!

Can't wait to be inside you again. Whoo!

Hey! Yeah, man!

Jason. All right? Wha'hamn, fellers. Wha'hamn, Aston?

Is what sweet you, son? Yo, me just got one new bar of soap.

ASTON CHUCKLES

Me a go give my armpit and balls dem one piece a clean, you see?

Beg you let me borrow it after?

Nah, man, you can't borrow me tings'.

Are you dumb? What wrong wid' it? ASTON LAUGHS

Eh, bwoy. You lost?

Oh, yes, I am, actually. Er, do you know where number 72 is?

Is who you a look for? My nana. Myrtle.

Myrtle? LAUGHS

The Jamaican firecracker!

Yeah, sounds about right! Do you know her?

You best take a sip of rum fi' calm ya' nerves, before you meet

dat beast of a woman! Yeah, she can be a bit grumpy.

She once knocked me unconscious with a cake tin. Oh, thanks.

Victoria! Baby!

Have you seen a white woman, answers to the name Victoria?

Dark hair, creamy breasts, pubes that smell like summer rain?

Jase, leave it! Victoria? It's me, your Nubian prince!

SCREAMS Jase, what are you doing?

My baby's here. I can feel her,

I can smell her, I can... I can taste her, bruv.

Jase, Victoria probably died in the Blitz,

like half of London did. My baby died? No. No...

Shh! Shh! There.

I'll never hold her again? Or... Or kiss her?

Or slip my tongue inbetween the crevice of her batty crease.

OK, maybe keep it in. Shh!

DISTANT SINGING It's Horace!

Horace! Come on!

I'm gonna tell my momma Don't send me down

You're gonna tell your momma Don't send me down

I'm going to tell my momma Don't send me down here...

Horace! Hey, guys!

Hey! Oh, my God!

What are you doing here? Looking for you. To bring you home.

Oh. Bruv, Victoria's dead.

Oh. It's cool. It's better to have smashed and lost,

than never to have smashed at all.

Yeah. Yeah, nice.

Cool. Now, can we please go home? I haven't found my nana yet.

I still need to warn her about the stairs.

Jazz! Jazz! Bloody love jazz.

Jazz, jazz, jazz. Sorry, are you... Is that a trumpet?

Are you a band? Are you a jazz band?

No, I like jazz, too! No, where you going?

SHE GROANS Oi! You just knocked over my bird.

Did I? Oh, right, sorry.

Er, did a bunch of musicians come by here?

Oh, did you hear that? "Sorry?" T'ain't good enough.

How'd you like it if I knocked over one of your birds, eh?

GROANS

TYRES SCREECHING Why you a push me for?

Shame on you! Nana Myrtle.

Oi! What you playing at?

Nothing! Not you... him! You toilet.

I don't care what colour she is, no-one pushes a lady!

WOMAN: Ginger tosser! MAN: Wanker!

You all right, love?

Me fine. Just a likkle bruise, is all.

That's more than just a likkle bruise, sweetheart.

Let's get this seen to. You can see to me all you like.

HE GASPS Nana Myrtle!

I know a place just up here. Mind your legs, she's a slapper.

Excuse me? Me know you?

Oh, no! Shit! I'm not supposed to talk to you!

The Blue Flamingo! THUD

What happened to you? Oh, shit, sorry. Sorry.

Nick! Where is that lanky twat?

GROANS

Ooh, that's a bit weird.

JAZZ MUSIC PLAYS

This... This is jazz! LAUGHS

What are you called? Sorry? Your band, what you called?

Oh, er, The Wu Tang Clan.

LAUGHS

It's just how I imagined it in my wet dream.

HE SCATS

Right, well, if you could just lay off any more drugs

until after your set, I would really appreciate it.

Hold on, wait. Hold on, what? My set?

Oh, my God! My band's playing the Blue Flamingo!

OH, MY GOD!

Wait, where the fuck is my band?

Your hair's a lovely colour.

Sort of a strawberry blonde.

RUMBLING Ugh!

HE GROANS Horace, you all right?

Yeah. I think I'm travel sick. You've not been anywhere.

Must be time-travel sick.

Guys! Guys, I know why we're here! I know why we're in the '50s.

It's to get the band back together. This is jazz time!

Dizzy, Louis, Ella, the one and only General L Hands!

And I have just got us a gig at the Blue Flamingo! Yay!

What's the Blue Flamingo? Where's Jason?

Oh, dealing with Victoria's death.

Yeah. People grieve in different ways.

JAZZ MUSIC PLAYS

Argh! This is jazz!

Beer, please.

Have you got anything that doesn't taste like piss in a glass?

Youngsters don't drink nowadays. You're telling me they're all sober?

Nah, they're all on the wakey-wakeys.

Got your bennies, your blues, your pep pills, purple hearts,

black beauties, dexys, pervs, and your billies.

Not him, though. He's on heroin.

CYMBAL SMASHES

E'are. On the house.

Are you in need of speed, Horace? Nope.

Oh, my gosh, is that...

Nana! Oh, my gosh, she looks so young!

Why's she dancing with that ginge? I dunno.

I thought Granddad Aston was the only man she'd ever...

RUMBLING

HE PANTS What the shitballs was that?

I don't know. It happened before. I think I'm hungover, Lauren.

Yeah. Yeah, probably. Let's just get you some Red Bull

and a packet of pickled onion Monster Munch. Come on.

Yeah, I'm actually in mourning, and I think a quick smash

would kick-start the grieving process.

Yeah, go on, then. Really? That was easy.

You know I'm a prostitute, right? Oh, is it?

APPLAUSE

We're gonna take a little break now, and then we've got a hot... new...

quartet syncopating for your "oral" pleasure...

The One Ton Clam. APPLAUSE

Oh, my God. Oh, my God, I'm... We're playing!

This is actually happening! LAUGHS

Where's the toilet? VOMITING

I'm about to play the Blue Flamingo.

PANTS

This is, like, the best day ever... VOMITING

It's gonna be fine, it's gonna be fine.

Ooh! I know this is a long shot, bruv, but you got a condom? No.

A Bag For Life and a rubber band? What?

No! And whatever you plan to do, do it quickly.

We've got the gig of our lives to play.

JAZZ MUSIC PLAYS

Wait here! I've gotta go and get Nick.

WARPED VOICE: What's happening? Please?

Why are you talking like...

Fucking holy... Fucking... Fuck me!

Horace?

No, Martin.

Who are your grandparents? Funny question.

OK, so there's Nan and Pap on Mum's side,

and on Dad's side, there's Nana Myrtle and Grampy Len.

I'm actually one quarter black, so, you know... I get you.

Safe.

Len? Shit! Is Len white with red hair, by any chance?

He actually describes it as strawberry blonde.

Where am I? Ooh! Hey, hey! Hey!

Hey, excuse me, please! Excuse me, please, thank you.

GROANS

I don't know what you're doing, but that feels good, sugar fingers.

I'm wanking you off. Ah, yeah.

Is it helping you forget about your dead lady friend?

It was, till you reminded me.

Why've you gone all floppy?

Ah, I can't do this, man.

Dead or not, Victoria's bae for life.

Well, I still have to charge, whether you jizz off or not.

How was I supposed to know Nana Myrtle was into white guys?

Please don't shank me! Look what you've done to Horace!

To Horace? You let Nana Myrtle fall in love with the wrong man!

Oh, fuck! What we gonna do?

Who's gonna sing? Sing?

Oh, shit! I can't breathe.

I think I'm having a panic attack! Argh! Oh!

Swallow! HE GROANS

What was that? Medicine, you'll be fine.

What's going on?

Horace has turned into a posh bloke called Martin,

cos his Nana's doing a white dude called Len.

Cool, this could open so many doors for him.

Are you even listening? He's not Horace!

No, I'm Martin. I'm from Surrey, and I work in marketing.

Horace doesn't exist, because Martin does.

So we have to un-exist Martin to get Horace back.

Please, don't hurt me, I've got a wife and two daughters!

Look, that's Daisy and that's Poppy.

We... We... We can't kill a man with a family!

Hello! He isn't real.

Those kids are not real!

I assure you, they're very real when they're jumping

on your testicles at 5am, demanding Nutella pancakes.

LAUGHS

See, Martin isn't so bad. He could replace Horace in the band!

Can you sing, Martin? No. Come on, everyone can sing. Try.

I'm not in the mood. You keep talking about killing my kids.

I am trying to save your life. Now, just bloody sing!

He's got the whole world In his hands

He's got the whole wide world...

What the fuck is that?

Will you stop talking about your stupid gig,

and help me kill Martin and his children!

No! No! Shit it!

Help me, please! Some black people are trying to kill me!

'Ello, 'ello. Here they come. Taking our jobs. Touching our women.

Sorry, is anyone else sweating and grinding their back teeth?

Someone's coming up. GROANS

This is fine, right? He's white, that's great.

No more police stop and search,

he can get bookings in fancy restaurants,

take pictures in low lighting. It's a win, hey, Horace?

Martin? Hartin? I like him! THUD

I'm not leaving Horace like this. Give him back, he's ours.

He don't look much like you.

Two words, fuck off, and stay fucked off.

It's six words, but whatever. GROANING

Ooh. That's it, Lauren!

Argh! Yes! Go on! Go on! Yes!

Ugh! Yes! Yes! Yes!

GROANS

Ugh!

Why you English people can't leave we alone?

What all 'dis? Get off of me!

Jesus! Lord, God. Look how your nose all bleed.

Ah, you do it. HE LAUGHS

Name Aston, by the way.

Myrtle. You owe me a new handbag.

Me owe you? Mm. You see what you do to me, woman?

Me sorry. GROANS

Ugh! Go on, you! Ave 'im! He ain't worth it!

Don't bloody touch me, you tit!

You're a cocky little toerag, in't ya'?

How's about you like to make a bit of easy money with them fists?

How much we talking? Here's a little sweetener.

Myrtle? Come on, darling, let's go.

Oh, right. There you go, then.

LAUGHS I knew it'd work out.

GROANS

GRUNTS

Martin? THEY SCREAM

Hello, hello. All right?

PANTS Oh, hey, guys.

Horace, mate! Good to have you black!

LAUGHS

Why isn't anyone else dancing?

Oi! Are you playing or what? Yeah. Yeah!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

MUSIC: This Is How We Do It by Montell Jordan

This is how we do it

South Central does it Like nobody does

This is how we do it

To all my neighbours You got much flavour

This is how we do it

Let's flip the track Bring the old school back

This is how we do it

I'm kinda buzzed And it's all because

This is how we do it

South Central does it Like nobody does

This is how we do it

YNV, SCC...

Victoria! Oh, my God!

Mmm! Mmm!

Mmm! De-lish!

Do I know you? Baby, it's me!

Guys, it's Victoria!

Oh!

Oh! My sweet, sweet Creole cupcake!

Must've been 30 years! Oh, but...

..time has not been kind.

Ready to go home? What you talking about?

We're in the era of cool, smooth jazz.

Are we really gonna do this shit again?

I'm up for it. I've had such a great time so far.

Horace, you were erased from existence for 17 minutes.

Yeah, but we're back together now, innit? Like old times.

It's amazing! We've just got a regular slot at the Blue Flamingo.

Yeah, and man's balls are about to burst,

so until me and Victoria beat, I ain't going nowhere.

LAUGHS

Friends! Lovers! Let's blouse! Champagne and cocaine at mine, yes?

CHEERING

Oh, and by the way, you're paying, gorgeous ones,

because I'm destitute!

S'all right, I'm loaded!

CHEERING

This is how we do it

South Central does it Like nobody does

This is how we do it

To all my neighbours You got much flavour

This is how we do it...

Subtitles by TVT

Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0