All language subtitles for The.Comedy.Central.Roast.of.Donald.Trump.2011.1080p.AMZN.WEB-DL.DDP2.0.H.264-monkee

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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:16,482 --> 00:00:19,689 - ♪ I'M ALL ABOUT MONEY MONEY, MONEY ♪ 2 00:00:19,793 --> 00:00:23,379 ♪ GOTTA GET MONEY MONEY, MONEY, MONEY ♪ 3 00:00:23,482 --> 00:00:25,275 ♪ I'M ON A MISSION FROM G-O-D ♪ 4 00:00:25,379 --> 00:00:26,620 - LET'S GO. 5 00:00:26,724 --> 00:00:28,241 ♪ THAT'S WHY THEY KNOW THEY ONLY OWE ME ♪ 6 00:00:28,344 --> 00:00:29,620 - NO, YOU HAVE TO. 7 00:00:29,724 --> 00:00:30,586 ♪ I'M ALL ABOUT MONEY MONEY, MONEY ♪ 8 00:00:30,689 --> 00:00:31,724 IT'S THE PRESIDENT. 9 00:00:31,827 --> 00:00:34,379 ♪ GOTTA GET MONEY MONEY, MONEY ♪ 10 00:00:34,482 --> 00:00:37,034 ♪ AND I DON'T KNOW NO OTHER WAY BUT TRY ♪ 11 00:00:37,137 --> 00:00:38,896 ♪ AND I'MA GO HARD TILL THE DAY I DIE ♪ 12 00:00:39,000 --> 00:00:40,172 - GOOD MORNING, MR. TRUMP. 13 00:00:40,275 --> 00:00:41,172 ♪ I'M ALL ABOUT MONEY MONEY, MONEY ♪ 14 00:00:41,275 --> 00:00:42,413 - HOW ARE YOU? 15 00:00:42,517 --> 00:00:44,793 - HELLO. - HELLO, EVERYBODY. 16 00:00:46,310 --> 00:00:47,206 - I HAVE A DEAL FOR YOU TO FINALIZE. 17 00:00:47,310 --> 00:00:48,379 - GOOD. 18 00:00:48,482 --> 00:00:49,724 ♪ I'M ON A MISSION FROM G-O-D ♪ 19 00:00:49,827 --> 00:00:52,172 ♪ THAT'S WHY THEY KNOW THEY ONLY OWE ME ♪ 20 00:00:52,275 --> 00:00:53,275 - I LIKE THAT. 21 00:00:53,379 --> 00:00:55,034 ♪ MONEY, MONEY, MONEY 22 00:00:55,137 --> 00:00:56,310 - THANKS, DONALD. 23 00:00:56,413 --> 00:00:58,137 - YEAH, I'M GETTING HIM TO THE ROAST NOW. 24 00:00:58,241 --> 00:01:00,689 ♪ AND I DON'T KNOW NO OTHER WAY BUT TRY ♪ 25 00:01:00,793 --> 00:01:03,620 ♪ AND I'MA GO HARD TILL THE DAY I DIE ♪ 26 00:01:03,724 --> 00:01:06,655 ♪ I'M ALL ABOUT MONEY MONEY, MONEY ♪ 27 00:01:06,758 --> 00:01:08,000 ♪ GREED STYLE MONEY, MONEY, MONEY ♪ 28 00:01:08,103 --> 00:01:09,862 - READY? THEY'VE GOT NOTHING ON ME. 29 00:01:09,965 --> 00:01:12,517 - DONALD! DONALD TRUMP! - MR. TRUMP! 30 00:01:13,827 --> 00:01:16,172 - AND NOW, PLEASE WELCOME YOUR ROAST MASTER, 31 00:01:16,275 --> 00:01:18,310 SETH MACFARLANE. 32 00:01:23,482 --> 00:01:25,689 - THANK YOU. 33 00:01:25,793 --> 00:01:27,724 HEY. 34 00:01:30,137 --> 00:01:31,758 THANK YOU. THANK YOU. 35 00:01:31,862 --> 00:01:32,724 GOOD EVENING, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN. 36 00:01:32,827 --> 00:01:33,896 I'M SETH MCFARLANE, 37 00:01:34,000 --> 00:01:36,137 AND WELCOME TO THE COMEDY CENTRAL ROAST 38 00:01:36,241 --> 00:01:37,517 OF DONALD TRUMP. 39 00:01:43,344 --> 00:01:45,724 OR AS DONALD CALLS IT, THE TRUMP COMEDY CENTRAL 40 00:01:45,827 --> 00:01:49,241 TRUMP ROAST OF DONALD TRUMP TRUMP TRUMP TRUMP TRUMP. 41 00:01:49,344 --> 00:01:51,172 HOW DO YOU PREPARE FOR A NIGHT LIKE THIS? 42 00:01:51,275 --> 00:01:53,931 PERSONALLY, I SMOKED A LOT OF POT. 43 00:01:55,931 --> 00:01:57,758 AND CLEARLY DON'T GIVE A SHIT ABOUT THIS SHOW. 44 00:01:57,862 --> 00:02:00,310 SO I'M--I'M KIND OF THE PERFECT HOST 45 00:02:00,413 --> 00:02:03,034 FOR THIS ROAST OR FOR THE OSCARS. 46 00:02:07,103 --> 00:02:09,689 BEFORE WE GET STARTED, THOUGH, I DO HAVE SOME SAD NEWS. 47 00:02:09,793 --> 00:02:13,344 RECENTLY, THE ROAST LOST A VERY TALENTED AND BELOVED PERFORMER, 48 00:02:13,448 --> 00:02:15,517 AND IT WOULD BE WRONG NOT TO ACKNOWLEDGE HIM 49 00:02:15,620 --> 00:02:17,172 AND TO SAY HOW MUCH HE'LL BE MISSED. 50 00:02:17,275 --> 00:02:19,482 LARRY KING DIED TEN MINUTES AGO. 51 00:02:33,413 --> 00:02:35,000 COME ON, LARRY, YOU'RE OLD. DON'T DENY IT. 52 00:02:35,103 --> 00:02:38,000 EVERY TIME YOU LIE, YOUR BALLS GROW LONGER. 53 00:02:38,103 --> 00:02:41,068 AND WE'VE GOT SOME OTHER FAMILIAR FACES 54 00:02:41,172 --> 00:02:42,413 UP HERE ON THE DAIS. 55 00:02:42,517 --> 00:02:44,137 WE'VE GOT WHITNEY CUMMINGS AND LISA LAMPANELLI. 56 00:02:44,241 --> 00:02:46,551 VERY NICE. 57 00:02:48,965 --> 00:02:52,655 UM, YOU EVER PLAY FUCK, MARRY, KILL? 58 00:02:52,758 --> 00:02:54,344 LET'S SEE, I THINK I WOULD FUCK WHITNEY, 59 00:02:54,448 --> 00:02:56,724 MARRY LISA, AND KILL MYSELF. 60 00:03:00,724 --> 00:03:04,310 AND MY FRIEND MARLEE MATLIN IS HERE TONIGHT. 61 00:03:07,758 --> 00:03:10,551 IT'S FITTING THAT MARLEE IS HERE FOR THE ROAST OF TRUMP, 62 00:03:10,655 --> 00:03:13,206 BECAUSE MARLEE IS APPEARING ON THE NEW CELEBRITY APPRENTICE. 63 00:03:13,310 --> 00:03:14,965 SHE WILL BE COMPETING FOR A CHARITY 64 00:03:15,068 --> 00:03:16,275 THAT'S YET TO BE ANNOUNCED, 65 00:03:16,379 --> 00:03:18,344 BUT WILL PROBABLY BE SOME DEAF BULLSHIT. 66 00:03:24,827 --> 00:03:26,344 WHAT DOES THAT-- WHAT DOES THAT MEAN? 67 00:03:26,448 --> 00:03:27,965 WHAT AM I DOING? 68 00:03:31,068 --> 00:03:33,137 AND SNOOP DOGG IS HERE. WOW. 69 00:03:33,241 --> 00:03:36,137 HEY. 70 00:03:38,068 --> 00:03:39,724 NOW, SNOOP, BE HONEST, PLEASE. 71 00:03:39,827 --> 00:03:42,862 WHEN YOU WERE BACKSTAGE, DID YOU... 72 00:03:42,965 --> 00:03:46,482 YOU KNOW, BLOW JEFF ROSS? 73 00:03:48,034 --> 00:03:51,172 - YES. YES, HE DID. 74 00:03:51,275 --> 00:03:53,172 - OKAY. I'M GONNA REMEMBER THAT. 75 00:03:53,275 --> 00:03:56,172 - NOW, SINCE OUR MAN OF THE HOUR WAS FOOLISH ENOUGH 76 00:03:56,275 --> 00:03:58,275 TO AGREE TO THIS, LET'S GET STARTED MAKING 77 00:03:58,379 --> 00:04:01,448 ONE MORE PIECE OF GARBAGE WITH DONALD TRUMP'S NAME ON IT... 78 00:04:05,103 --> 00:04:08,310 AND TAKE A LOOK BACK AT SOME OF HIS OTHER BAD DECISIONS. 79 00:04:09,413 --> 00:04:11,034 - MY NAME IS DONALD TRUMP. 80 00:04:11,137 --> 00:04:13,827 THE NAME IS HOT, AND IT SELLS. 81 00:04:13,931 --> 00:04:15,275 I OWN EVERYTHING-- 82 00:04:15,379 --> 00:04:18,206 JETLINERS, GOLF COURSES... 83 00:04:20,758 --> 00:04:22,206 I OWN VIRTUALLY EVERYTHING. 84 00:04:25,000 --> 00:04:27,172 - ♪ MONEY UP TO HERE MONEY MONEY UP TO HERE ♪ 85 00:04:27,275 --> 00:04:29,310 NO MATTER WHERE I GO IN THE WORLD, PEOPLE WANT ME. 86 00:04:29,413 --> 00:04:31,379 SO I HAD A LOT OF SUCCESS. SUCCESS. 87 00:04:31,482 --> 00:04:32,655 SUCCESS. I BELIEVE 88 00:04:32,758 --> 00:04:35,103 IN BRAGGING ABOUT YOURSELF. 89 00:04:36,724 --> 00:04:39,034 - DO YOU NAME THINGS AFTER YOURSELF BECAUSE YOU'RE AFRAID 90 00:04:39,137 --> 00:04:41,068 YOU WON'T BE ABLE TO FIND THEM? 91 00:04:41,172 --> 00:04:42,517 - ♪ I WHIP MY HAIR BACK AND FORTH ♪ 92 00:04:42,620 --> 00:04:43,724 ♪ I WHIP MY HAIR BACK AND FORTH ♪ 93 00:04:43,827 --> 00:04:45,448 - IT'S MY REAL HAIR, BELIEVE IT OR NOT. 94 00:04:45,551 --> 00:04:46,827 YOU KNOW, IT'S ACTUALLY MINE. 95 00:04:46,931 --> 00:04:48,137 - I KNOW IT'S NOT A HAIRPIECE, 96 00:04:48,241 --> 00:04:49,724 BUT I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT IT IS. 97 00:04:49,827 --> 00:04:51,724 - LOOKS LIKE YOU KILLED A SQUIRREL TO ME 98 00:04:51,827 --> 00:04:53,620 AND PUT IT RIGHT ON TOP OF YOUR HEAD. 99 00:04:55,068 --> 00:04:57,758 - IT'S THE ROSIE O'DONNELL- DONALD TRUMP WAR, 100 00:04:57,862 --> 00:05:00,034 AND IT'S ON. - ROSIE O'DONNELL'S DISGUSTING. 101 00:05:00,137 --> 00:05:02,172 I'D LOOK HER RIGHT IN THAT FAT, UGLY FACE, 102 00:05:02,275 --> 00:05:05,000 AND I'D SAY, "ROSIE, YOU'RE FIRED." 103 00:05:05,103 --> 00:05:08,793 I'M GONNA FIRE THE ASSES OFF EACH AND EVERY ONE OF 'EM. 104 00:05:08,896 --> 00:05:10,827 YOU'RE FIRED. YOU'RE FIRED. 105 00:05:10,931 --> 00:05:12,413 YOU WERE THE PROJECT MANAGER, 106 00:05:12,517 --> 00:05:15,103 AND YOU LOST, AND I DIDN'T LIKE WHAT YOU DID. 107 00:05:15,206 --> 00:05:16,620 - IT IS GONNA BE A NIGHTMARE. 108 00:05:16,724 --> 00:05:18,379 - JOAN IS NOT GONNA BE HAPPY. 109 00:05:18,482 --> 00:05:20,344 - ♪ FOR THE LOVE OF MONEY 110 00:05:20,448 --> 00:05:22,724 FRANKLY, IF YOU WERE RUNNING A COMPANY, 111 00:05:22,827 --> 00:05:25,000 YOU'D DESTROY THAT COMPANY. 112 00:05:25,103 --> 00:05:26,758 YOU'RE FIRED. YOU'RE FIRED. YOU'RE FIRED. 113 00:05:26,862 --> 00:05:28,793 - YOU KNOW, IT FELT GOOD TO FIRE SOMEONE. 114 00:05:28,896 --> 00:05:30,758 - IT'S ACTUALLY FUN, ISN'T IT? 115 00:05:30,862 --> 00:05:33,275 ♪ PEOPLE, DON'T LET MONEY 116 00:05:33,379 --> 00:05:35,758 ♪ DON'T LET MONEY ♪ 117 00:05:42,931 --> 00:05:45,000 - I STILL LOVE YOU. 118 00:05:45,103 --> 00:05:47,551 - PLEASE WELCOME THE SECOND WORST TRAGEDY 119 00:05:47,655 --> 00:05:49,931 EVER TO HIT NEW YORK CITY. 120 00:05:50,034 --> 00:05:53,620 LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, DONALD J. TRUMP. 121 00:06:14,793 --> 00:06:16,724 - WOW. 122 00:06:19,448 --> 00:06:21,517 NICE. 123 00:06:21,620 --> 00:06:22,551 WHOA. 124 00:06:32,413 --> 00:06:34,172 OH, BOY, OH, BOY. 125 00:06:34,275 --> 00:06:35,620 - YOU KNOW, IT'S GOOD TO SEE YOU, DONALD. 126 00:06:35,724 --> 00:06:36,586 - WELL, THANK YOU. - WE'VE JUST MET, 127 00:06:36,689 --> 00:06:39,068 BUT IT'S GOOD TO SEE YOU. 128 00:06:39,172 --> 00:06:41,620 TONIGHT, WE HONOR A SELF-MADE MILLIONAIRE. 129 00:06:41,724 --> 00:06:43,931 HE STARTED WITH NOTHING, WORKED HARD, 130 00:06:44,034 --> 00:06:45,517 AND MADE A FORTUNE. 131 00:06:45,620 --> 00:06:47,965 THAT MAN IS FRED TRUMP, DONALD'S DAD. 132 00:06:55,482 --> 00:06:58,241 THAT'S RIGHT, FOR ALL OF HIS SELF-STARTER BULLSHIT, 133 00:06:58,344 --> 00:07:01,689 HE'S BASICALLY JADEN SMITH WITH A COMB-OVER. 134 00:07:08,103 --> 00:07:09,034 YOU'RE A GROWN MAN. 135 00:07:09,137 --> 00:07:10,172 YOU GOT HAIR LIKE DENNIS THE MENACE. 136 00:07:10,275 --> 00:07:12,275 WHAT'S GOING ON HERE? 137 00:07:12,379 --> 00:07:17,655 DID YOU--DID YOU FALL HEADFIRST INTO A COTTON CANDY MACHINE? 138 00:07:17,758 --> 00:07:19,448 WHAT HAPPENED? 139 00:07:19,551 --> 00:07:21,965 UM, BY THE WAY, THE PRODUCERS HAVE ASKED ME 140 00:07:22,068 --> 00:07:24,482 TO INTERPRET THAT LAST JOKE FOR THE HANDICAPPED PERSON 141 00:07:24,586 --> 00:07:25,758 ON OUR STAGE. 142 00:07:25,862 --> 00:07:29,379 DUH, HEY, SITUATION... 143 00:07:37,689 --> 00:07:40,413 RICH GUY HAVE FUNNY HAIR. 144 00:07:47,689 --> 00:07:50,000 AND, DONALD, AS LONG AS I HAVE YOU HERE, 145 00:07:50,103 --> 00:07:54,689 IT'S PRONOUNCED "HUGE," NOT "YUGE." 146 00:07:54,793 --> 00:07:56,103 AND HERE'S ANOTHER ONE. 147 00:07:56,206 --> 00:07:58,275 IT'S PRONOUNCED, "I AM FUCKING DELUSIONAL," 148 00:07:58,379 --> 00:08:00,896 NOT "I AM RUNNING FOR PRESIDENT." 149 00:08:07,482 --> 00:08:09,206 THAT'S RIGHT. TRUMP SAYS-- 150 00:08:09,310 --> 00:08:12,310 HE SAYS HE'S GONNA RUN FOR PRESIDENT IN 2012. 151 00:08:18,517 --> 00:08:20,206 BUT IF HIS PLAN FOR AMERICA 152 00:08:20,310 --> 00:08:24,551 IS TO FIRE EVERYONE, HE'S ABOUT TWO YEARS TOO LATE. 153 00:08:24,655 --> 00:08:26,689 BUT FOR ME, 154 00:08:26,793 --> 00:08:28,310 IT'S KIND OF TOUGH TO VOTE FOR A GUY 155 00:08:28,413 --> 00:08:31,931 WHOSE RESTING FACIAL EXPRESSION IS "WHO FARTED?" 156 00:08:38,379 --> 00:08:40,103 HE ALSO SELLS TRUMP COLOGNE, 157 00:08:40,206 --> 00:08:42,379 AND, FELLAS, THAT STUFF CAN REALLY GET YOU LAID. 158 00:08:42,482 --> 00:08:44,965 BASICALLY, YOU POUR IT ONTO A CLOTH 159 00:08:45,068 --> 00:08:47,206 AND PRESS IT TO A WOMAN'S FACE UNTIL SHE... 160 00:08:50,206 --> 00:08:54,000 STOPS STRUGGLING. 161 00:08:54,103 --> 00:08:57,620 BUT EVEN WHEN YOU'RE BORN WITH A SILVER SPOON IN YOUR MOUTH, 162 00:08:57,724 --> 00:08:59,068 HARD TIMES CAN STRIKE, 163 00:08:59,172 --> 00:09:00,896 AND THAT'S JUST WHAT HAPPENED TO DONALD. 164 00:09:01,000 --> 00:09:04,068 HE WAS EVEN FORCED INTO THE ULTIMATE ACT OF DEGRADATION-- 165 00:09:04,172 --> 00:09:07,206 STARRING IN HIS OWN REALITY SHOW. 166 00:09:07,310 --> 00:09:10,000 AND SOON THE TOP-RATED TV SHOW IN THE NATION 167 00:09:10,103 --> 00:09:12,172 STARRED A TOTAL ASSHOLE TORTURING PEOPLE 168 00:09:12,275 --> 00:09:14,586 WHO WERE STUPID ENOUGH TO WORK WITH HIM. 169 00:09:14,689 --> 00:09:15,862 IN ADDITION TO TWO AND A HALF MEN, 170 00:09:15,965 --> 00:09:20,448 THE APPRENTICEWAS ALSO A PRETTY POPULAR SHOW. 171 00:09:20,551 --> 00:09:21,965 THIS GUY HAS AN EGO. 172 00:09:22,068 --> 00:09:23,275 WHEN TRUMP BANGS A SUPERMODEL, 173 00:09:23,379 --> 00:09:25,655 HE CLOSES HIS EYES AND IMAGINES HE'S JERKING OFF. 174 00:09:35,517 --> 00:09:36,896 ALL JOKES ASIDE, THOUGH, 175 00:09:37,000 --> 00:09:38,413 I WAS THRILLED WHEN THEY OFFERED ME 176 00:09:38,517 --> 00:09:41,034 THE OPPORTUNITY TO ROAST SUCH A BRILLIANT, CHARISMATIC, 177 00:09:41,137 --> 00:09:43,620 TOTALLY SELF-MADE BILLIONAIRE WHO I BELIEVE 178 00:09:43,724 --> 00:09:46,379 WILL ONE DAY RUN THIS COUNTRY. 179 00:09:46,482 --> 00:09:47,931 THEN THE FACEBOOK GUY CANCELLED, 180 00:09:48,034 --> 00:09:50,379 AND WE GOT STUCK WITH YOUR BLOATED ASS. 181 00:09:50,482 --> 00:09:53,172 SO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR BIG NIGHT, MR. TRUMP. 182 00:10:00,206 --> 00:10:02,724 AND NOW, DONALD, LET'S GET OUR FIRST ROASTER UP HERE 183 00:10:02,827 --> 00:10:04,620 TO KNOCK YOU DOWN LIKE THE HOMELESS SHELTER 184 00:10:04,724 --> 00:10:05,931 YOU HAD DESTROYED ON THE WAY HERE. 185 00:10:06,034 --> 00:10:07,000 - OH, MY GOD. 186 00:10:07,103 --> 00:10:08,620 - SO AS SHE HUFFS AND PUFFS 187 00:10:08,724 --> 00:10:11,137 AND ROLLS HER WAY TO THE PODIUM, 188 00:10:11,241 --> 00:10:13,137 PLEASE WELCOME THE QUEEN OF MEAN, 189 00:10:13,241 --> 00:10:14,931 LISA LAMPANELLI. 190 00:10:22,965 --> 00:10:25,482 - OH, THANK YOU, SETH. 191 00:10:25,586 --> 00:10:28,310 I LOVE SETH MACFARLANE. 192 00:10:28,413 --> 00:10:32,413 HE'S A HANDSOME, WELL-GROOMED CONFIRMED BACHELOR 193 00:10:32,517 --> 00:10:34,724 WHO SINGS SHOW TUNES. 194 00:10:34,827 --> 00:10:38,793 HE'S GAYER THAN RYAN SEACREST'S ASSHOLE. 195 00:10:42,275 --> 00:10:44,344 I JOKE, SETH. I LOVE YOUR WORK. 196 00:10:44,448 --> 00:10:46,862 I ESPECIALLY LIKE THAT WEIRD BABY 197 00:10:46,965 --> 00:10:50,137 YOU MADE WITH THE ENORMOUS FOOTBALL-SHAPED HEAD. 198 00:10:50,241 --> 00:10:53,931 OH, WOW, SORRY, THAT WAS FOR MY SARAH PALIN ROAST. 199 00:10:59,724 --> 00:11:02,344 AH. LOOK AT MARLEE, 200 00:11:02,448 --> 00:11:06,206 SITTING UP THERE LIKE SHE'S NORMAL. 201 00:11:06,310 --> 00:11:08,241 HEY, MARLEE. 202 00:11:08,344 --> 00:11:09,689 YOU READ LIPS, RIGHT? 203 00:11:09,793 --> 00:11:14,068 WHAT'S MY CAMEL TOE SAYING? 204 00:11:21,275 --> 00:11:22,413 WOW. 205 00:11:22,517 --> 00:11:23,931 LOOK WHO IT IS. 206 00:11:24,034 --> 00:11:26,034 LARRY KING. 207 00:11:26,137 --> 00:11:29,655 YES, LARRY KING IS A LEGEND! 208 00:11:29,758 --> 00:11:32,413 IN THIS BUSINESS, LARRY KING IS KNOWN 209 00:11:32,517 --> 00:11:34,000 AS A TRIPLE THREAT. 210 00:11:34,103 --> 00:11:36,344 AT ANY TIME, HE COULD HAVE A HEART ATTACK, 211 00:11:36,448 --> 00:11:39,000 STROKE, OR SHIT HIS PANTS. 212 00:11:41,862 --> 00:11:45,137 LARRY KING IS AN ELDERLY BASTARD. 213 00:11:45,241 --> 00:11:47,655 SERIOUSLY, THOSE SUSPENDERS AREN'T FOR HIS PANTS. 214 00:11:47,758 --> 00:11:49,206 THEY'RE FOR HIS BALLS. 215 00:11:52,586 --> 00:11:54,275 SPEAKING OF OLD CRIPS, 216 00:11:54,379 --> 00:11:55,862 SNOOP DOGG IS HERE. 217 00:12:01,586 --> 00:12:05,413 ON A PAST ROAST, SNOOP CLAIMED I WANTED TO BANG HIM. 218 00:12:05,517 --> 00:12:09,241 PLEASE, IF I WANT TO BANG A SKINNY BLACK MAN WITH BRAIDS, 219 00:12:09,344 --> 00:12:12,482 I'LL CALL ALICIA KEYS. 220 00:12:15,517 --> 00:12:16,827 - OOH. 221 00:12:16,931 --> 00:12:20,068 - SNOOP'S NOT THE ONLY MUSICAL ARTIST ON THE DAIS. 222 00:12:20,172 --> 00:12:21,758 MARILYN MANSON IS HERE. 223 00:12:21,862 --> 00:12:25,103 OH, I'M SORRY. THAT'S WHITNEY CUMMINGS. 224 00:12:25,206 --> 00:12:26,931 YOU KNOW, WHITNEY, 225 00:12:27,034 --> 00:12:28,551 PEOPLE IN THIS BUSINESS HATE YOU 226 00:12:28,655 --> 00:12:30,827 BECAUSE YOU'RE BEAUTIFUL AND THIN. 227 00:12:30,931 --> 00:12:32,310 NOT ME! 228 00:12:32,413 --> 00:12:34,793 I HATE YOU BECAUSE YOU'RE A CUNT. 229 00:12:37,517 --> 00:12:39,862 ANTHONY JESELNIK IS HERE. 230 00:12:39,965 --> 00:12:41,896 I'LL PAUSE FOR A FEW MOMENTS 231 00:12:42,000 --> 00:12:45,344 SO THOSE OF YOU AT HOME CAN WIKIPEDIA HIM. 232 00:12:50,068 --> 00:12:51,689 IT'S GREAT YOU'RE HERE, ANTHONY. 233 00:12:51,793 --> 00:12:53,000 WHAT HAPPENED? 234 00:12:53,103 --> 00:12:56,206 IS DANIEL TOSH BUSY GETTING FISTED IN KEY WEST? 235 00:12:59,103 --> 00:13:01,724 IT'S GREAT TO SEE MY OLD FRIEND JEFFREY ROSS 236 00:13:01,827 --> 00:13:04,689 HERE TONIGHT, DOING WHAT HE DOES BEST-- 237 00:13:04,793 --> 00:13:09,551 SITTING AND WATCHING FUNNY PEOPLE TELL JOKES. 238 00:13:09,655 --> 00:13:13,103 WOW, JEFF, YOU'RE EVEN UGLIER THAN YOU WERE LAST YEAR. 239 00:13:13,206 --> 00:13:15,379 LOOK AT THAT HAIR. LOOK AT THAT MOP. 240 00:13:15,482 --> 00:13:19,206 I'VE SEEN BETTER HAIR ON SUSAN BOYLE'S TAINT. 241 00:13:20,586 --> 00:13:23,310 DON'T YOU LAUGH AT A HAIR JOKE, TRUMP. 242 00:13:23,413 --> 00:13:24,517 LOOK AT THAT HELMET. 243 00:13:24,620 --> 00:13:25,689 WHAT DO YOU SAY TO A BARBER 244 00:13:25,793 --> 00:13:27,379 TO GET THAT TYPE OF HAIR CUT? 245 00:13:27,482 --> 00:13:28,586 "I FUCKED YOUR DAUGHTER"? 246 00:13:32,965 --> 00:13:36,620 SITUATION FROM THE JERSEY SHORE. 247 00:13:36,724 --> 00:13:38,482 YOU'RE ALL OVER TELEVISION. 248 00:13:38,586 --> 00:13:40,068 AND YOU HAVE A BOOK OUT. 249 00:13:40,172 --> 00:13:43,965 I TRIED ORDERING YOUR BOOK ON AMAZON.COM. 250 00:13:44,068 --> 00:13:47,137 AMAZON SAID, "CUSTOMERS WHO BOUGHT THIS BOOK 251 00:13:47,241 --> 00:13:50,206 ALSO BOUGHT A ROPE AND A STOOL." 252 00:13:55,793 --> 00:13:59,379 BUT ENOUGH ABOUT CHACHI. 253 00:13:59,482 --> 00:14:03,068 LET'S GET TO THE REASON WE'RE ALL HERE TONIGHT-- 254 00:14:03,172 --> 00:14:05,103 DONALD TRUMP. 255 00:14:05,206 --> 00:14:08,413 DONALD, TONIGHT, PEOPLE WILL MAKE FUN OF YOUR LOOKS. 256 00:14:08,517 --> 00:14:09,758 FUCK 'EM! 257 00:14:09,862 --> 00:14:11,931 YOU'VE ALWAYS GOTTEN BEAUTIFUL WOMEN. 258 00:14:12,034 --> 00:14:17,206 YOU'VE RUINED MORE MODELS' LIVES THAN BULIMIA. 259 00:14:17,310 --> 00:14:19,551 YOU'VE DISAPPOINTED MORE WOMEN 260 00:14:19,655 --> 00:14:22,413 THAN SEX AND THE CITY 2. 261 00:14:22,517 --> 00:14:24,827 YOU ARE THE ULTIMATE PROOF 262 00:14:24,931 --> 00:14:29,310 THAT MONEY CAN BUY GOOD-LOOKING PUSSY. 263 00:14:29,413 --> 00:14:34,137 IF YOU WERE BROKE, YOU'D BE FUCKING ME. 264 00:14:40,551 --> 00:14:42,241 BUT THAT'S ALL BEHIND HIM NOW. 265 00:14:42,344 --> 00:14:49,068 DONALD IS VERY HAPPY WITH HIS LOVELY WIFE "INSERT NAME HERE." 266 00:14:49,172 --> 00:14:50,241 I JOKE. 267 00:14:50,344 --> 00:14:52,758 DONALD'S WIFE'S NAME IS MELANIA, 268 00:14:52,862 --> 00:14:57,793 WHICH IS SLOVENIAN FOR "GET THAT WRINKLED PENIS OFF OF ME." 269 00:15:00,275 --> 00:15:03,827 IN CLOSING, I WOULD LIKE TO THANK YOU, 270 00:15:03,931 --> 00:15:07,172 DONALD TRUMP, FOR LETTING ME MAKE FUN OF YOU TONIGHT. 271 00:15:07,275 --> 00:15:11,137 MR. TRUMP, YOU ARE SOMEONE TO BE ADMIRED. 272 00:15:11,241 --> 00:15:15,000 YOU HAVE OVERCOME OBSTACLES TO BECOME A HUGE SUCCESS. 273 00:15:15,103 --> 00:15:17,344 YOU'VE PUT UP MORE WORTHLESS HOTELS 274 00:15:17,448 --> 00:15:21,620 THAN AN AUTISTIC KID PLAYING MONOPOLY. 275 00:15:24,896 --> 00:15:29,482 STILL, YOU HAVE MADE "TRUMP" MORE THAN JUST A NAME. 276 00:15:29,586 --> 00:15:31,448 YOU'VE MADE IT A BRAND. 277 00:15:31,551 --> 00:15:34,931 A BRAND, LIKE MASSENGILL. 278 00:15:35,034 --> 00:15:37,620 BECAUSE YOU'RE A BLOATED, STINKY DOUCHE. 279 00:15:37,724 --> 00:15:39,793 THANK YOU. GOOD NIGHT. 280 00:15:44,689 --> 00:15:47,862 - COMING UP, LARRY KING, SNOOP DOGG, 281 00:15:47,965 --> 00:15:50,034 WHITNEY CUMMINGS, THE SITUATION, 282 00:15:50,137 --> 00:15:52,344 MARLEE MATLIN, ANTHONY JESELNIK, 283 00:15:52,448 --> 00:15:53,827 AND JEFF ROSS. 284 00:16:02,206 --> 00:16:05,551 - WELCOME BACK TO THE ROAST OF DONALD TRUMP. 285 00:16:05,655 --> 00:16:07,275 UH, NOW WE DO WANT TO TAKE A QUICK MOMENT 286 00:16:07,379 --> 00:16:09,827 BETWEEN COCK JOKES TO ACKNOWLEDGE 287 00:16:09,931 --> 00:16:11,517 THE LOSS OF A BRILLIANT COMEDIAN 288 00:16:11,620 --> 00:16:15,034 AND ONE OF THE ALL-TIME GREAT ROASTERS, GREG GIRALDO. 289 00:16:19,206 --> 00:16:21,241 WE WANT TO THANK HIM FOR ALL THE LAUGHS HE BROUGHT US 290 00:16:21,344 --> 00:16:23,206 AND RECOGNIZE ALL THE BIG LAUGHS 291 00:16:23,310 --> 00:16:24,689 THAT HE WOULD HAVE BROUGHT US HERE TONIGHT. 292 00:16:24,793 --> 00:16:26,689 GREG, WE WILL MISS YOU. 293 00:16:31,724 --> 00:16:33,310 WELL, TONIGHT WE ARE PROUD AND HAPPY 294 00:16:33,413 --> 00:16:35,793 TO BE JOINED BY LARRY KING. 295 00:16:35,896 --> 00:16:38,206 AS A TV HOST, HE KNEW EXACTLY WHEN TO RETIRE, 296 00:16:38,310 --> 00:16:40,517 BUT HE STAYED ANOTHER 20 YEARS ANYWAY. 297 00:16:42,310 --> 00:16:44,344 HE HAS A SPINE LIKE A QUESTION MARK, 298 00:16:44,448 --> 00:16:45,517 AS IF HIS BODY IS ASKING, 299 00:16:45,620 --> 00:16:49,000 "HOW DID I GET SEVEN WOMEN TO FUCK ME?" 300 00:16:49,103 --> 00:16:52,000 LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, PLEASE WELCOME 301 00:16:52,103 --> 00:16:55,137 A CHATTERING PIRATE SKELETON ON LOAN FROM DISNEYLAND, 302 00:16:55,241 --> 00:16:58,448 MY PAL, LARRY KING. 303 00:17:11,931 --> 00:17:14,000 - THIS IS MY CAREER? 304 00:17:14,103 --> 00:17:16,275 IT'S COME TO THIS? 305 00:17:16,379 --> 00:17:20,206 IT'S A THRILL TO BE HERE, ROASTING MY DEAR FRIEND. 306 00:17:20,310 --> 00:17:21,379 TO PREPARE FOR THIS EVENT, 307 00:17:21,482 --> 00:17:24,689 I READ JEFF ROSS' BOOK ABOUT ROASTS. 308 00:17:24,793 --> 00:17:29,103 JEFF, MY LAST PRE-NUP WAS FUNNIER. 309 00:17:30,379 --> 00:17:33,586 AND UNLIKE YOU, I WROTE IT MYSELF. 310 00:17:36,172 --> 00:17:37,827 LET'S TAKE SOME CALLS. 311 00:17:42,551 --> 00:17:45,206 MY GOOD FRIEND SNOOP DOGG SAID THAT JEFF'S BOOK 312 00:17:45,310 --> 00:17:46,620 WAS UNREADABLE. 313 00:17:46,724 --> 00:17:49,413 BUT THAT'S BECAUSE SNOOP CAN'T READ. 314 00:17:53,172 --> 00:17:55,310 IF YOU'RE JUST JOINING US, BY THE WAY, 315 00:17:55,413 --> 00:17:57,655 WE'RE HERE WITH LISA LUMPY BELLY. 316 00:18:01,206 --> 00:18:02,862 LISA IS A SHOCK COMIC, 317 00:18:02,965 --> 00:18:05,275 BUT ONLY IF YOU LOOK AT HER FACE. 318 00:18:07,310 --> 00:18:08,931 TURN DOWN YOUR RADIO! 319 00:18:09,034 --> 00:18:10,689 COMING UP IN THIS HOUR, 320 00:18:10,793 --> 00:18:15,241 WE'LL TALK TO MIKE "THE SITUATION" SORRENTINO. 321 00:18:15,344 --> 00:18:18,379 SITUATION HAS A NEW FRAGRANCE OUT CALLED THE SITCH, 322 00:18:18,482 --> 00:18:20,275 WHICH IS ALSO WHAT YOU CALL YOURSELF 323 00:18:20,379 --> 00:18:24,068 WHEN YOU CAN'T SPELL YOUR OWN NICKNAME. 324 00:18:24,172 --> 00:18:26,896 BY THE WAY, CALLER, YOU HAVE A QUESTION? 325 00:18:28,275 --> 00:18:30,241 FOLKS, YOU'VE GOT TO TRY THIS GARLIQUE. 326 00:18:30,344 --> 00:18:33,827 IT GOES DOWN EASY, JUST LIKE WHITNEY CUMMINGS. 327 00:18:36,689 --> 00:18:37,965 MARLEE MATLIN. 328 00:18:38,068 --> 00:18:39,586 MARLEE, ALWAYS A PLEASURE. 329 00:18:39,689 --> 00:18:41,896 WHAT ON EARTH ARE YOU DOING HERE? 330 00:18:42,000 --> 00:18:45,724 YOU WON THE ACADEMY AWARD FOR CHILDREN OF A LESSER GOD, 331 00:18:45,827 --> 00:18:47,448 AND THEN NOTHING FOR YEARS. 332 00:18:47,551 --> 00:18:48,758 I DON'T UNDERSTAND IT. 333 00:18:48,862 --> 00:18:53,793 YOU WERE SO CONVINCING PLAYING A DEAF WOMAN. 334 00:18:53,896 --> 00:18:55,965 LANSING, MICHIGAN, YOU'RE ON THE AIR. 335 00:18:59,172 --> 00:19:02,103 AND NOW SNOOP DOGG. I LOVE SNOOP. 336 00:19:02,206 --> 00:19:05,965 D-O-DOUBLE-GIZZLE. THAT CAN'T BE RIGHT. 337 00:19:06,068 --> 00:19:10,724 SNOOP TOLD ME DURING THE BREAK THAT ONCE HE HAD A DNA TEST 338 00:19:10,827 --> 00:19:13,862 THAT FOUND HE IS ONLY 71% BLACK. 339 00:19:13,965 --> 00:19:15,344 THAT TRUE? 340 00:19:15,448 --> 00:19:19,241 UNLESS MY MATH IS WRONG, IF YOU'RE 71% BLACK, 341 00:19:19,344 --> 00:19:22,965 YOU'RE 29% NOT GUILTY. 342 00:19:25,551 --> 00:19:28,862 CONGRATULATIONS. 343 00:19:28,965 --> 00:19:32,586 DONALD TRUMP IS NOT ONLY ONE OF MY OLDEST, 344 00:19:32,689 --> 00:19:35,172 DEAREST FRIENDS, HE'S ALSO AN AMERICAN SUCCESS STORY. 345 00:19:35,275 --> 00:19:37,344 WHEN HE GRADUATED COLLEGE, HE PUT HIS SHOULDER 346 00:19:37,448 --> 00:19:39,862 TO THE WHEEL, NOSE TO THE GRINDSTONE, 347 00:19:39,965 --> 00:19:42,275 BORROWED $6 MILLION FROM HIS FATHER, 348 00:19:42,379 --> 00:19:43,758 AND STARTED A CAREER. 349 00:19:45,724 --> 00:19:49,758 DONALD TRUMP, WITHOUT A DOUBT, YOU'RE A NEW YORK LANDMARK, 350 00:19:49,862 --> 00:19:51,551 WHICH MEANS IT'S ONLY A MATTER OF TIME 351 00:19:51,655 --> 00:19:53,103 UNTIL YOU BULLDOZE YOURSELF 352 00:19:53,206 --> 00:19:55,862 TO BUILD SOME GAUDY, TACKY MONSTROSITY 353 00:19:55,965 --> 00:19:57,586 AND PUT YOUR NAME ON IT. 354 00:19:58,724 --> 00:20:01,586 WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK. 355 00:20:02,793 --> 00:20:05,551 - GREAT, LARRY. 356 00:20:05,655 --> 00:20:07,413 THAT'S GREAT, LARRY. 357 00:20:09,206 --> 00:20:10,896 - LARRY KING. 358 00:20:11,000 --> 00:20:13,310 COME ON. 359 00:20:16,724 --> 00:20:19,379 ALL RIGHT, SNOOP DOGG IS UP NEXT. 360 00:20:21,482 --> 00:20:22,862 THAT RIGHT THERE WAS MY IMPRESSION 361 00:20:22,965 --> 00:20:27,896 OF THE RECEPTIONIST AT A PAROLE OFFICE. 362 00:20:28,000 --> 00:20:31,586 MAKE WAY FOR THE MOST DANGEROUS MAN IN 1993, 363 00:20:31,689 --> 00:20:34,137 SNOOP DOGG. 364 00:20:45,241 --> 00:20:46,827 - SETH MACFARLANE. 365 00:20:46,931 --> 00:20:49,793 GIVE IT UP FOR SETH MACFARLANE, Y'ALL. 366 00:20:51,482 --> 00:20:54,068 HEY, YO, SETH, FYI. 367 00:20:54,172 --> 00:20:57,068 AIN'T NO NIGGAS WATCHING THE CLEVELAND SHOW. 368 00:20:59,241 --> 00:21:02,551 FROM ME TO YOU. 369 00:21:02,655 --> 00:21:04,206 I KNOW WE'RE HERE TO ROAST DONALD TRUMP, 370 00:21:04,310 --> 00:21:06,000 BUT, UH, I GOTTA GIVE A SHOUT OUT 371 00:21:06,103 --> 00:21:08,965 TO MY MAIN MAN, LARRY KING, IN THE MOTHERFUCKIN' HOUSE. 372 00:21:10,586 --> 00:21:12,310 LARRY, YOU KNOW HOW WE IS. 373 00:21:12,413 --> 00:21:14,448 LARRY IS COOL, BUT BACKSTAGE, I HANDED HIM A JOINT, 374 00:21:14,551 --> 00:21:18,310 AND HE RUBBED BENGAY INTO IT. 375 00:21:18,413 --> 00:21:21,310 WE GOT LISA LAMPANELLI IN THE HOUSE. 376 00:21:23,689 --> 00:21:29,275 NOW, LET ME TELL YOU, LISA IS A STONE COLD FREAK. 377 00:21:29,379 --> 00:21:32,241 LISA FUCKED LARRY KING, DON KING, 378 00:21:32,344 --> 00:21:35,172 RODNEY KING, AND BILLIE JEAN KING 379 00:21:35,275 --> 00:21:38,758 IN A BURGER KING BATHROOM. 380 00:21:38,862 --> 00:21:42,137 I MEAN, THIS BITCH LOVES TO EAT, FOR REAL. 381 00:21:42,241 --> 00:21:43,724 IF YOU WANT TO FUCK LISA DOGGY STYLE, 382 00:21:43,827 --> 00:21:46,689 ALL YOU GOTTA DO IS PUT A BOWL OF FOOD ON THE FLOOR. 383 00:21:49,517 --> 00:21:52,379 NOW, TRIP. - THAT'S A GREAT JOKE! 384 00:21:52,482 --> 00:21:55,206 - LISA'S HAD SO MUCH SEX WITH SO MANY DIFFERENT BROTHERS, 385 00:21:55,310 --> 00:21:58,758 WE'VE EVEN GAVE HER RAP NAMES FOR HER FAT ASS. 386 00:21:58,862 --> 00:22:02,344 NOTORIOUS P.I.G. 387 00:22:02,448 --> 00:22:04,000 YOU GONNA LIKE THIS ONE, RUSSELL. 388 00:22:04,103 --> 00:22:06,793 TON DMC. 389 00:22:06,896 --> 00:22:10,482 BUSTA BUSTA NUT IN YOUR FACE. 390 00:22:10,586 --> 00:22:11,896 AND MY FAVORITE, 391 00:22:12,000 --> 00:22:14,862 SNOOP CHILI DOG IN YOUR MOTHERFUCKIN' MOUTH. 392 00:22:18,344 --> 00:22:20,310 MM-MM-MM. 393 00:22:20,413 --> 00:22:22,896 HEY, MARLEE. MARLEE. 394 00:22:23,000 --> 00:22:25,137 YOU'RE SO FINE. 395 00:22:25,241 --> 00:22:27,896 HAVING SEX WITH YOU WOULD BE LIKE ROLLING UP ON SOMEONE. 396 00:22:28,000 --> 00:22:31,689 YOU'D NEVER HEAR ME COMING. 397 00:22:31,793 --> 00:22:33,068 NOW TRIP. 398 00:22:33,172 --> 00:22:34,793 I WALKED PAST MARLEE'S DRESSING ROOM TONIGHT 399 00:22:34,896 --> 00:22:36,620 WHEN SHE WAS, UH, GOING OVER HER LINES, 400 00:22:36,724 --> 00:22:39,655 AND IT SOUNDED LIKE SOMEONE WAS CLUBBING A SEAL. 401 00:22:42,517 --> 00:22:44,241 WHITNEY CUMMINGS. 402 00:22:44,344 --> 00:22:47,586 LOOK AT YOUR FINE, LITTLE SKINNY ASS SITTING UP THERE. 403 00:22:47,689 --> 00:22:50,068 I ROLL BLUNTS FATTER THAN YOU, 404 00:22:50,172 --> 00:22:54,379 BUT YOU'VE BEEN PASSED AROUND A LITTLE BIT MORE. 405 00:22:54,482 --> 00:22:57,620 BUT RIGHT NOW, THINGS ARE POPPING FOR WHITNEY, Y'ALL. 406 00:22:57,724 --> 00:22:59,793 EVERYBODY IN HOLLYWOOD IS TALKING ABOUT HER, 407 00:22:59,896 --> 00:23:01,793 AND THEY ALL SAYING THE SAME THING. 408 00:23:01,896 --> 00:23:06,448 "I THINK THAT BITCH GAVE ME HERPES." 409 00:23:06,551 --> 00:23:09,034 THIS IS A UGLY BUSINESS, MAN. 410 00:23:09,137 --> 00:23:11,931 I MEAN, LOOK AT JEFF ROSS. 411 00:23:12,034 --> 00:23:15,137 HE'S ONE UGLY MOTHERFUCKER. 412 00:23:15,241 --> 00:23:16,793 NOW, WHEN JEFF WAS BORN, 413 00:23:16,896 --> 00:23:18,827 HIS MOTHER SHIT DURING THE DELIVERY, 414 00:23:18,931 --> 00:23:24,000 AND WHEN SHE LOOKED DOWN, SHE THOUGHT SHE HAD TWINS. 415 00:23:24,103 --> 00:23:28,172 THAT'S WHY HE'S SO CORNY. 416 00:23:28,275 --> 00:23:31,068 LOOK AT HIS DROOPY FACE, SAGGY SKIN, 417 00:23:31,172 --> 00:23:32,931 RUBBERY, WET LIPS. 418 00:23:33,034 --> 00:23:34,931 IF JEFF HAD A STRING HANGING FROM HIS MOUTH, 419 00:23:35,034 --> 00:23:38,620 HE'D LOOK LIKE LISA'S PUSSY. 420 00:23:38,724 --> 00:23:41,655 NO, BUT SERIOUSLY, THOUGH, I LIKE JEFF, THOUGH. 421 00:23:41,758 --> 00:23:42,965 YOU KNOW WHY I LIKE JEFF? 422 00:23:43,068 --> 00:23:44,758 'CAUSE HE WOULD DO ANYTHING TO GET A LAUGH, 423 00:23:44,862 --> 00:23:50,000 EXCEPT SAY SOMETHING FUNNY. 424 00:23:50,103 --> 00:23:51,206 I GOTTA SAY A FEW MORE THINGS 425 00:23:51,310 --> 00:23:53,379 ABOUT MY GIRL SNOOKI OVER THERE. 426 00:23:55,137 --> 00:23:56,586 OH, THAT AIN'T SNOOKI? 427 00:23:56,689 --> 00:23:58,896 OH, MY BAD. I'M SORRY. 428 00:23:59,000 --> 00:24:01,965 ALL WHITE PEOPLE WHO ACT BLACK LOOK ALIKE TO ME. 429 00:24:02,068 --> 00:24:03,965 SORRY. 430 00:24:09,827 --> 00:24:13,793 SO, UH, THE SITUATION'S A RAPPER NOW, HUH? 431 00:24:13,896 --> 00:24:16,103 SHIT, I HEARD HIS RHYMES. 432 00:24:16,206 --> 00:24:20,965 THE BEST THING YOU EVER SPIT WAS SETH MACFARLANE'S JIZZ-IZZLE. 433 00:24:23,620 --> 00:24:25,482 CHECK OUT YOUR HAIR, YOUR SHAVED CHEST, 434 00:24:25,586 --> 00:24:27,206 YOUR PLUCKED EYEBROWS. 435 00:24:27,310 --> 00:24:29,241 THERE USED TO BE A WORD FOR GUYS LIKE YOU, 436 00:24:29,344 --> 00:24:33,931 AND THAT WORD WAS "GAY." 437 00:24:34,034 --> 00:24:38,517 I GUESS THAT'S STILL THE WORD. 438 00:24:38,620 --> 00:24:41,517 HEY, MAN, STOP LIFTING YOUR SHIRT UP LIKE A PRISON BITCH, 439 00:24:41,620 --> 00:24:42,793 OR ELSE GO OUT ON THE CORNER 440 00:24:42,896 --> 00:24:44,137 AND GET ME SOME MOTHERFUCKIN' MONEY 441 00:24:44,241 --> 00:24:47,689 BEFORE I GO UPSIDE YOUR HEAD WITH THIS COAT HANGER. 442 00:24:50,931 --> 00:24:54,517 NOW, IT'S TIME TO TALK ABOUT THE REAL PLAYER-- 443 00:24:54,620 --> 00:24:58,068 DON JUAN, DONALD TRUMP, THE DONALD. 444 00:24:59,793 --> 00:25:01,482 NOW, FROM ME TO YOU, DONALD, 445 00:25:01,586 --> 00:25:03,172 I WISH I HAD HALF OF YOUR MONEY. 446 00:25:03,275 --> 00:25:05,551 BUT FOR THAT, YOU NEED A 20-YEAR-OLD'S PUSSY 447 00:25:05,655 --> 00:25:08,344 AND A DIVORCE LAWYER. 448 00:25:08,448 --> 00:25:10,310 NOW, I MAY NOT HAVE HALF HIS PAPER, 449 00:25:10,413 --> 00:25:13,310 BUT I GOT TWICE THE DICK, AND YOU CAN BELIEVE THAT. 450 00:25:15,379 --> 00:25:16,724 BUT ON THE REAL, THOUGH, 451 00:25:16,827 --> 00:25:19,000 I'D LOVE TO FUCK ONE OF TRUMP'S EX-WIVES 452 00:25:19,103 --> 00:25:23,517 JUST TO KNOW WHAT IT'S LIKE TO COME INTO MONEY. 453 00:25:23,620 --> 00:25:24,724 - WHOO! 454 00:25:27,517 --> 00:25:30,517 DONALD SAY HE WANTS TO RUN FOR, UH, PRESIDENT 455 00:25:30,620 --> 00:25:32,275 AND MOVE ON INTO THE WHITE HOUSE. 456 00:25:32,379 --> 00:25:33,413 WHY NOT? 457 00:25:33,517 --> 00:25:34,655 IT WOULDN'T BE THE FIRST TIME 458 00:25:34,758 --> 00:25:37,896 HE PUSHED A BLACK FAMILY OUT OF THEIR HOME. 459 00:25:45,965 --> 00:25:47,724 BUT ON THE REAL, THOUGH. 460 00:25:47,827 --> 00:25:49,827 DONALD, YOU KNOW I GOT LOVE FOR YOU, MAN, 461 00:25:49,931 --> 00:25:51,103 ON SOME REAL SHIT, AND I AIN'T PLAYIN', 462 00:25:51,206 --> 00:25:53,620 FROM ONE PIMP TO ANOTHER, MUCH RESPECT. 463 00:25:53,724 --> 00:25:55,344 KEEP BANKING THAT SCRILLA, 464 00:25:55,448 --> 00:25:57,655 AND AFTER THE SHOW, COME BY MY DRESSING ROOM. 465 00:25:57,758 --> 00:25:59,448 I GOT A COUPLE 19-YEAR-OLDS IN THERE, 466 00:25:59,551 --> 00:26:00,827 SOME STICKY ICKY ICKY, 467 00:26:00,931 --> 00:26:03,551 AND I'LL GET YOU SO HIGH THAT YOU'LL FIRE YOURSELF 468 00:26:03,655 --> 00:26:05,620 AND PUT MY NAME ON THE MOTHERFUCKIN' TOWERS. 469 00:26:05,724 --> 00:26:07,206 I'M OUT. 470 00:26:09,482 --> 00:26:13,620 - WELL DONE, SNOOP. GREAT JOB. GREAT. 471 00:26:13,724 --> 00:26:15,862 - THAT WAS EPIC. EPIC. 472 00:26:17,862 --> 00:26:19,724 - COMING UP, WHITNEY CUMMINGS, 473 00:26:19,827 --> 00:26:21,724 MARLEE MATLIN, AND THE SITUATION. 474 00:26:29,448 --> 00:26:31,862 - OUR NEXT ROASTER, WHITNEY CUMMINGS, 475 00:26:31,965 --> 00:26:34,310 CAN BE SEEN THIS SUMMER IN HER ONE-WOMAN SHOW, 476 00:26:34,413 --> 00:26:37,000 HOW TO SUCCEED IN BUSINESS WITHOUT REALLY SWALLOWING. 477 00:26:39,758 --> 00:26:41,068 SHE'S GOT THE BODY OF A CRACK WHORE, 478 00:26:41,172 --> 00:26:44,344 BUT SHE'S GOT THE RAZOR-SHARP WIT OF A CRACK WHORE. 479 00:26:46,931 --> 00:26:49,655 NOW, SOME PEOPLE SAY WHITNEY STRUGGLES WITH BULIMIA, 480 00:26:49,758 --> 00:26:52,448 BUT I'D--I'D SAY SHE'S ACTUALLY PRETTY GOOD AT IT. 481 00:26:54,206 --> 00:26:56,793 PLEASE WELCOME THE DRAG QUEEN OF MEAN, 482 00:26:56,896 --> 00:26:58,482 WHITNEY CUMMINGS. 483 00:27:02,310 --> 00:27:05,068 - OKAY, HELLO. HI, NICE TO MEET YOU. 484 00:27:05,172 --> 00:27:07,965 PLEASURE. HI, GUYS. 485 00:27:08,068 --> 00:27:11,137 WOW. KEEP IT GOING FOR HOMO SIMPSON. 486 00:27:13,896 --> 00:27:15,000 I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHERE TO START. 487 00:27:15,103 --> 00:27:16,310 I GUESS I'LL START WITH LARRY KING, 488 00:27:16,413 --> 00:27:19,413 BECAUSE, I DON'T KNOW, TICK-TOCK. 489 00:27:19,517 --> 00:27:21,620 UM, 490 00:27:21,724 --> 00:27:23,586 LARRY KING, YOU HAVE HAD A HEART ATTACK, 491 00:27:23,689 --> 00:27:25,586 BYPASS SURGERY, YOU HAVE HEART DISEASE, 492 00:27:25,689 --> 00:27:28,448 AND YOU RECENTLY GOT STENTS PLACED IN YOUR CORONARY ARTERY. 493 00:27:28,551 --> 00:27:33,655 TAKE A HINT-- GOD WANTS YOU TO DIE. 494 00:27:33,758 --> 00:27:35,586 THE SITUATION IS HERE TONIGHT. 495 00:27:35,689 --> 00:27:36,862 THIS IS ACTUALLY VERY EXCITING FOR ME. 496 00:27:36,965 --> 00:27:38,000 YEAH, CLAP IT UP. 497 00:27:38,103 --> 00:27:40,241 I ACTUALLY LOVE THE JERSEY SHORE. 498 00:27:40,344 --> 00:27:41,896 THE JERSEY SHORECAST IS ITALIAN, 499 00:27:42,000 --> 00:27:43,517 BUT AT FIRST I THOUGHT THAT THEY WERE MEXICAN 500 00:27:43,620 --> 00:27:47,000 BECAUSE THEY'RE SO TAN AND THEY'RE ALWAYS DOING LAUNDRY. 501 00:27:50,965 --> 00:27:53,724 THE SITUATION, YOU ARE RIDICULOUS. 502 00:27:53,827 --> 00:27:54,793 WHAT IS IT WITH THAT SPIKY HAIR? 503 00:27:54,896 --> 00:27:56,482 YOUR HAIR IS SO BLACK AND FRIED, 504 00:27:56,586 --> 00:27:59,103 LISA DOESN'T KNOW WHETHER TO EAT IT OR FUCK IT. 505 00:28:01,793 --> 00:28:05,103 AND YOU NEED TO STOP TANNING RIGHT NOW, MR. SITUATION. 506 00:28:05,206 --> 00:28:07,620 YOU ARE SO ORANGE, SNOOP DOGG SHOULD BE WEARING YOU 507 00:28:07,724 --> 00:28:10,862 WHILE HE'S ON HIS KNEES, BLOWING HIS CELLMATE. 508 00:28:10,965 --> 00:28:12,896 - YOU A FOOL FOR THAT. 509 00:28:13,000 --> 00:28:14,965 YOU A FOOL FOR THAT. 510 00:28:15,068 --> 00:28:16,241 PEOPLE MAKE FUN OF THE SITUATION. 511 00:28:16,344 --> 00:28:17,689 THEY MAKE FUN OF THE FACT THAT HE'S ALWAYS 512 00:28:17,793 --> 00:28:19,586 LIFTING UP HIS SHIRT TO SHOW HIS ABS. 513 00:28:19,689 --> 00:28:20,620 I ENDORSE IT. 514 00:28:20,724 --> 00:28:21,931 IN FACT, MR. SITUATION, 515 00:28:22,034 --> 00:28:24,000 I SUGGEST YOU LIFT UP YOUR SHIRT EVEN HIGHER 516 00:28:24,103 --> 00:28:28,103 SO THAT IT COVERS THIS SITUATION. 517 00:28:34,068 --> 00:28:36,655 SNOOP DOGG IS, OF COURSE, HERE. HILARIOUS. 518 00:28:36,758 --> 00:28:37,827 A ROUND OF APPLAUSE FOR SNOOP. 519 00:28:37,931 --> 00:28:39,172 COME ON, THAT WAS HILARIOUS. 520 00:28:41,103 --> 00:28:43,620 SNOOP, YOU HAVE BUTCHERED THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE IN YOUR MUSIC. 521 00:28:43,724 --> 00:28:45,344 YOU HAVE TWO Gs IN THE WORD "DOG." 522 00:28:45,448 --> 00:28:47,724 YOU USE "IZZLE" AND "FIZZLE" AT THE END OF EVERYTHING. 523 00:28:47,827 --> 00:28:52,137 YOU SPEAK WORSE ENGLISH THAN MARLEE MATLIN. 524 00:28:52,241 --> 00:28:53,724 LISA LAMPANELLI IS HERE. 525 00:28:53,827 --> 00:28:55,413 LISA, THANKS FOR MAKING TIME TO BE HERE. 526 00:28:55,517 --> 00:28:56,724 I KNOW YOU'RE VERY BUSY 527 00:28:56,827 --> 00:28:58,758 STARRING IN I DIDN'T KNOW I WAS PREGNANT. 528 00:29:03,310 --> 00:29:06,517 ANTHONY JESELNIK IS MAKING HIS FIRST APPEARANCE ON THE ROASTS. 529 00:29:06,620 --> 00:29:08,172 THIS IS THE FIRST TIME SOMEONE HAS LOST THEIR VIRGINITY 530 00:29:08,275 --> 00:29:09,586 AROUND DONALD TRUMP 531 00:29:09,689 --> 00:29:13,379 WITHOUT HIM HAVING TO PROMISE THEM AMERICAN CITIZENSHIP. 532 00:29:18,034 --> 00:29:20,724 AND NOW FOR THE MAN OF THE HOUR, DONALD TRUMP, EVERYBODY. 533 00:29:20,827 --> 00:29:22,827 GIVE HIM A ROUND OF APPLAUSE. 534 00:29:22,931 --> 00:29:26,172 COME ON. 535 00:29:26,275 --> 00:29:29,310 DONALD TRUMP, YOU ARE KNOWN FOR YOUR TERRIBLE HAIRCUT, 536 00:29:29,413 --> 00:29:30,448 AND NOW I CAN SEE WHY. 537 00:29:30,551 --> 00:29:31,724 YOUR HAIR SUCKS. 538 00:29:31,827 --> 00:29:36,620 YOU LOOK LIKE JUSTIN BIEBER CAUGHT ON FIRE. 539 00:29:36,724 --> 00:29:38,344 YOU'RE OBVIOUSLY VERY RICH. 540 00:29:38,448 --> 00:29:40,758 DONALD TRUMP IS LITERALLY ROLLING IN DOUGH, 541 00:29:40,862 --> 00:29:41,827 WHICH MEANS HE KNOWS WHAT IT'S LIKE 542 00:29:41,931 --> 00:29:44,655 TO FUCK LISA LAMPANELLI. 543 00:29:47,103 --> 00:29:49,655 DONALD, YOU ARE GROSS, NOBODY LIKES YOU, 544 00:29:49,758 --> 00:29:50,862 BUT YOU COME BACK EVERY COUPLE YEARS 545 00:29:50,965 --> 00:29:51,931 AND NOBODY KNOWS WHY. 546 00:29:52,034 --> 00:29:56,724 YOU'RE LIKE THE MCRIB. 547 00:29:56,827 --> 00:30:00,413 YOU GOT MELANIA A HUGE 12-CARAT DIAMOND ENGAGEMENT RING. 548 00:30:00,517 --> 00:30:02,034 YOU SHOULD NOT HAVE GOTTEN HER A DIAMOND. 549 00:30:02,137 --> 00:30:05,103 NOW SHE KNOWS WHAT HARD IS SUPPOSED TO FEEL LIKE. 550 00:30:08,034 --> 00:30:11,206 - WHOO! YEAH! 551 00:30:11,310 --> 00:30:13,965 - YOU RECENTLY SAID THAT YOU WANTED TO RUN FOR PRESIDENT. 552 00:30:14,068 --> 00:30:15,620 THAT IS SUCH A PUBLICITY STUNT. 553 00:30:15,724 --> 00:30:17,206 IF I WANTED TO SUPPORT A GREEDY WHORE 554 00:30:17,310 --> 00:30:19,000 WHO'S PRETENDING TO RUN FOR PRESIDENT 555 00:30:19,103 --> 00:30:23,241 JUST TO GET ON TV, I'D VOTE FOR SARAH PALIN. 556 00:30:25,758 --> 00:30:28,103 I'D SAY STICK TO YOUR REAL ESTATE, 557 00:30:28,206 --> 00:30:29,689 BUT ALL OF YOUR BUILDINGS ARE HIDEOUS. 558 00:30:29,793 --> 00:30:31,724 THE TAJ MAHAL IN NEW JERSEY IS HORRIBLE. 559 00:30:31,827 --> 00:30:33,206 THERE HASN'T BEEN A SHITHOLE THAT BIG 560 00:30:33,310 --> 00:30:34,551 ON THE SHORES OF NEW JERSEY 561 00:30:34,655 --> 00:30:38,586 SINCE THE SITUATION TOOK IT IN THE ASS FROM PAULY D. 562 00:30:43,310 --> 00:30:45,206 DONALD, YOU'RE ALSO, OF COURSE, RESPONSIBLE 563 00:30:45,310 --> 00:30:47,034 FOR THAT AWFUL SHOW, THE APPRENTICE. 564 00:30:47,137 --> 00:30:49,448 THE WORST PART OF THAT SHOW IS HAVING TO STARE AT YOUR FACE. 565 00:30:49,551 --> 00:30:50,896 YOUR FACE IS SO BIG AND BLOATED 566 00:30:51,000 --> 00:30:52,344 WITH SUCH A BAD HAIRPIECE, 567 00:30:52,448 --> 00:30:54,344 I'M SURPRISED IT'S NOT MARRIED TO KELLY PRESTON, 568 00:30:54,448 --> 00:30:57,586 PRETENDING NOT TO BE GAY. 569 00:31:01,379 --> 00:31:02,724 AH! 570 00:31:02,827 --> 00:31:04,000 ON YOUR SHOW, THE APPRENTICE, 571 00:31:04,103 --> 00:31:06,655 YOU HAVE HAD NENE LEAKES FROM THE REAL HOUSEWIVES, 572 00:31:06,758 --> 00:31:08,965 BRANDE RODERICK, AND LISA RINNA. 573 00:31:09,068 --> 00:31:11,827 YOU'VE GIVEN MORE UNEDUCATED WHORES ON-CAMERA JOBS 574 00:31:11,931 --> 00:31:13,965 THAN FOX NEWS. 575 00:31:18,896 --> 00:31:20,655 WELL, DONALD, THANK YOU SO MUCH 576 00:31:20,758 --> 00:31:21,827 FOR LETTING US ROAST YOU TONIGHT. 577 00:31:21,931 --> 00:31:22,965 YOU'RE SUCH A GOOD SPORT. 578 00:31:23,068 --> 00:31:24,413 AND YOU'RE ACTUALLY PRETTY HANDSOME, 579 00:31:24,517 --> 00:31:25,551 WHEN I SEE YOU UP CLOSE, 580 00:31:25,655 --> 00:31:27,586 SO IF YOU EVER WANT A FOURTH WIFE, 581 00:31:27,689 --> 00:31:29,379 HIT ME UP ON FACEBOOK. 582 00:31:29,482 --> 00:31:32,310 I LOVE YOU GUYS. THANK YOU SO MUCH, NEW YORK. 583 00:31:37,827 --> 00:31:41,862 - UP NEXT, THE SITUATION, MARLEE MATLIN, AND JEFF ROSS. 584 00:31:49,758 --> 00:31:51,862 - WELCOME BACK TO THE ROAST. 585 00:31:51,965 --> 00:31:54,827 YOU KNOW, THIS IS A BIG MILESTONE FOR THE SITUATION, 586 00:31:54,931 --> 00:31:56,517 BECAUSE TONIGHT IS THE OFFICIAL BEGINNING 587 00:31:56,620 --> 00:32:00,310 OF HIS 15TH MINUTE OF FAME. 588 00:32:01,862 --> 00:32:04,034 NOW, A LOT OF PEOPLE LAUGHED AT HIM 589 00:32:04,137 --> 00:32:05,724 FOR HOOKING UP WITH HIS CO-STAR SNOOKI, 590 00:32:05,827 --> 00:32:07,517 BUT, YOU KNOW, ITALIANS ARE KNOWN 591 00:32:07,620 --> 00:32:10,517 FOR GRINDING ORGANS WITH MONKEYS. 592 00:32:13,586 --> 00:32:15,827 NO NEED TO CLAP, HE ALREADY HAS IT. 593 00:32:15,931 --> 00:32:18,482 PLEASE WELCOME THE SITUATION. 594 00:32:27,896 --> 00:32:32,172 - THANKS, JEFF. 595 00:32:32,275 --> 00:32:35,206 JEFF? 596 00:32:35,310 --> 00:32:37,137 - CAN YOU BELIEVE THIS GUY? 597 00:32:37,241 --> 00:32:40,103 WITH HIS CAPPED TEETH, HIS HAIR PRODUCTS, 598 00:32:40,206 --> 00:32:42,034 AND HIS FAKE TAN? 599 00:32:42,137 --> 00:32:43,172 I MEAN... 600 00:32:43,275 --> 00:32:46,448 YOU'RE ACTUALLY LOOKING GOOD, BRO. 601 00:32:46,551 --> 00:32:47,793 NOW I KNOW A LOT OF YOU PEOPLE 602 00:32:47,896 --> 00:32:49,586 ARE HERE TONIGHT TO WATCH EVERYONE 603 00:32:49,689 --> 00:32:52,551 SHIT ON THE DUMB GUY THAT ALL THE ITALIANS ARE ASHAMED OF 604 00:32:52,655 --> 00:32:54,413 AND DISGUSTED BY. 605 00:32:54,517 --> 00:32:55,931 YOU KNOW, 606 00:32:56,034 --> 00:32:58,827 LISA LAMPANELLI. 607 00:32:58,931 --> 00:33:02,413 BACKSTAGE SHE TOOK MY HAND AND SHOVED IT DOWN HER PANTS, 608 00:33:02,517 --> 00:33:05,827 AND I PULLED OUT LARRY KING'S TEETH! 609 00:33:05,931 --> 00:33:08,344 AND SNOOP'S TWO SOURCE AWARDS. 610 00:33:10,103 --> 00:33:12,413 WHITNEY, WHAT'S YOUR DEAL? 611 00:33:12,517 --> 00:33:13,758 YOU LOOK LIKE THE CHICKS I USED TO BANG 612 00:33:13,862 --> 00:33:15,724 BEFORE I HAD ALL THIS MONEY. 613 00:33:19,758 --> 00:33:20,862 - DO IT, BABY, DO IT! 614 00:33:20,965 --> 00:33:23,551 - YOU'RE A CHICK, RIGHT? 615 00:33:23,655 --> 00:33:25,344 - OKAY, YEAH. - ON THE JERSEY SHORE, 616 00:33:25,448 --> 00:33:27,413 WE CALL UGLY CHICKS "GRENADES." 617 00:33:27,517 --> 00:33:30,206 BUT, UH, I ACTUALLY WOULDN'T CALL YOU A GRENADE, 618 00:33:30,310 --> 00:33:34,206 'CAUSE YOU'RE NOT BLOWING UP ANY TIME SOON. 619 00:33:35,862 --> 00:33:37,758 HEY, UH... 620 00:33:41,758 --> 00:33:43,310 HEY, JEFF ROSS. WHAT'S UP, MAN? 621 00:33:43,413 --> 00:33:45,000 - WHAT'S UP, BUDDY? 622 00:33:45,103 --> 00:33:46,827 - JEFF, ME AND YOU HAVE A LOT IN COMMON, BUDDY. 623 00:33:46,931 --> 00:33:48,965 - WHAT'S THAT? - WE'RE BOTH FROM JERSEY. 624 00:33:49,068 --> 00:33:52,275 AND TONIGHT'S MY FIRST NIGHT DOING COMEDY. 625 00:33:54,689 --> 00:33:55,862 WELL-- 626 00:33:55,965 --> 00:33:56,862 - IT'S ALSO YOUR LAST NIGHT, 627 00:33:56,965 --> 00:33:58,068 JUST SO YOU KNOW. 628 00:34:04,241 --> 00:34:05,931 - ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT. 629 00:34:06,034 --> 00:34:07,551 ENOUGH OF THAT, ENOUGH. 630 00:34:07,655 --> 00:34:08,724 ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT. 631 00:34:08,827 --> 00:34:10,068 I SEE YOU LOOKIN' AT ME OVER THERE, 632 00:34:10,172 --> 00:34:12,448 ANTHONY JEZZLE-NUT. I KNOW YOU'RE A LITTLE HATER, 633 00:34:12,551 --> 00:34:15,206 BUT I KNOW YOU'RE A FUNNY DUDE AS WELL, 634 00:34:15,310 --> 00:34:18,068 'CAUSE THE OTHER NIGHT, I TOLD ONE OF YOUR SUPER-FUNNY JOKES 635 00:34:18,172 --> 00:34:21,103 TO A SUPERMODEL, AND SHE WAS LAUGHING... 636 00:34:21,206 --> 00:34:22,620 WHILE I WAS BANGIN' HER BRAINS OUT 637 00:34:22,724 --> 00:34:23,931 WITH A PILE OF MONEY ON THE FLOOR 638 00:34:24,034 --> 00:34:25,517 OF MY MOTHERFUCKIN' MANSION. 639 00:34:30,896 --> 00:34:32,758 SO I GOT NOTHING AGAINST YOU, MAN. 640 00:34:32,862 --> 00:34:34,655 I GOT NOTHING AGAINST YOU. 641 00:34:34,758 --> 00:34:37,137 BECAUSE SHE'S, LIKE, THE FIFTH MODEL THIS WEEK TO DO THAT, 642 00:34:37,241 --> 00:34:38,275 SO... 643 00:34:38,379 --> 00:34:39,551 YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING, RIGHT? 644 00:34:39,655 --> 00:34:41,413 MAYBE NOT. ALL RIGHT. 645 00:34:41,517 --> 00:34:43,931 OH, BOO. 646 00:34:44,034 --> 00:34:46,103 NOW LET'S GET TO THE REAL SITUATION. 647 00:34:46,206 --> 00:34:48,068 MY MAN, DONALD TRUMP. 648 00:34:50,379 --> 00:34:52,482 - YEAH, BABY. 649 00:34:52,586 --> 00:34:55,724 - I MEAN, LOOK AT HIM. HE'S PIMPIN'. 650 00:34:55,827 --> 00:35:00,793 NOT A LOT OF GUYS CAN PULL OFF WEARING A HAT LIKE THAT. 651 00:35:00,896 --> 00:35:01,827 PEOPLE ARE HATING ON HIM 652 00:35:01,931 --> 00:35:03,724 BECAUSE CHUMP IS ALWAYS FIRING PEOPLE, 653 00:35:03,827 --> 00:35:05,758 BUT IT'S KINDA OKAY, 'CAUSE HE 654 00:35:05,862 --> 00:35:08,586 COMPLETELY LET HIMSELF GO ANYWAY. 655 00:35:09,758 --> 00:35:11,103 DONALD... 656 00:35:13,689 --> 00:35:15,448 - HEY, OH, HEY, CHILL! 657 00:35:15,551 --> 00:35:16,551 YOU KNOW WHAT, DONALD? 658 00:35:16,655 --> 00:35:19,275 YOU GOT THE TAN, YOU GOT THE LAUNDRY DOWN, 659 00:35:19,379 --> 00:35:22,137 BUT YOU GOTTA HIT THE GYM, PORK CHOP. 660 00:35:22,241 --> 00:35:24,517 BUT DONALD. 661 00:35:24,620 --> 00:35:25,862 I LIKE HOW YOU ROLL. 662 00:35:25,965 --> 00:35:27,448 I'VE SEEN PICTURES OF YOUR HOUSE. 663 00:35:27,551 --> 00:35:30,793 EVERYTHING IN YOUR HOUSE IS GOLD. 664 00:35:30,896 --> 00:35:32,275 WHO THE FUCK DECORATED YOUR HOUSE, 665 00:35:32,379 --> 00:35:34,413 FLAVOR FLAV'S DENTIST? 666 00:35:34,517 --> 00:35:37,724 I'LL SAY THIS, THOUGH, YOUR WIFE IS HOT. 667 00:35:37,827 --> 00:35:40,724 THE BEST PART IS, SHE MARRIED YOU FOR LOVE. 668 00:35:40,827 --> 00:35:41,724 YUP. 669 00:35:41,827 --> 00:35:43,586 SHE LOVES MONEY. 670 00:35:45,275 --> 00:35:46,172 OH! 671 00:35:46,275 --> 00:35:47,551 HEY, WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO? 672 00:35:47,655 --> 00:35:50,793 HEEEEEEEEEEY! 673 00:35:50,896 --> 00:35:53,931 - COME ON, LET HIM DO HIS THING, COME ON. 674 00:35:54,034 --> 00:35:55,206 LET HIM DO--LOOK. 675 00:35:55,310 --> 00:35:56,931 - ALL RIGHT. 676 00:35:57,034 --> 00:35:58,827 DONALD TRUMP, YOU'RE A BALLER. 677 00:35:58,931 --> 00:36:00,482 YOU'RE A SHOT-CALLER. 678 00:36:00,586 --> 00:36:02,896 YOU RUN THE GAME AND GIVE THE BUILDINGS YOUR NAME. 679 00:36:03,000 --> 00:36:04,206 YOU'RE THE REAL DEAL. 680 00:36:04,310 --> 00:36:06,931 AND I HOPE SOME DAY I CAN ROLL CHUMP STYLE. 681 00:36:07,034 --> 00:36:11,344 - YOU CALLED HIM "CHUMP," NOT TRU--IT'S "TRUMP." 682 00:36:11,448 --> 00:36:13,172 YOU SAID, "DONALD CHUMP." - REALLY? 683 00:36:13,275 --> 00:36:15,586 WELL, MAYBE COMEDY AIN'T MY GAME RIGHT NOW, BUT-- 684 00:36:15,689 --> 00:36:16,896 - IT'S ALL RIGHT. - WHY DON'T YOU FINISH IT OFF? 685 00:36:17,000 --> 00:36:17,896 - COULD I JUST SHOW THEM SOMETHING? 686 00:36:18,000 --> 00:36:19,103 COULD I JUST SHOW THEM SOMETHING? 687 00:36:19,206 --> 00:36:21,275 - SURE, SHOW THEM. - YOU KNOW THE SITUATION? 688 00:36:23,310 --> 00:36:26,586 - YEAH. 689 00:36:26,689 --> 00:36:30,103 THAT--THAT DEFINITELY IS THE SITUATION RIGHT THERE. 690 00:36:30,206 --> 00:36:32,517 THEY CALL ME "THE SATURATION." 691 00:36:33,931 --> 00:36:35,344 - OR--OR--YOU KNOW WHAT? 692 00:36:35,448 --> 00:36:36,827 ACTUALLY, "THE CATASTROPHE," 693 00:36:36,931 --> 00:36:38,931 BUT THANKS FOR LETTING ME HERE TONIGHT. 694 00:36:39,034 --> 00:36:40,344 - THANK YOU, BUDDY. - THANK YOU. 695 00:36:40,448 --> 00:36:42,965 AND BEFORE I GO, REAL QUICK. I GOTTA SAY ONE MORE THING. 696 00:36:43,068 --> 00:36:44,034 MR. TRUMP, 697 00:36:44,137 --> 00:36:47,206 I THINK YOU SHOULD RUN FOR PRESIDENT. 698 00:36:47,310 --> 00:36:50,689 I PROBABLY REALLY MEAN THAT'S A STUPID IDEA. 699 00:36:51,862 --> 00:36:52,827 ALL RIGHT. 700 00:36:58,000 --> 00:37:01,379 - COMING UP, ANTHONY JESELNIK AND MARLEE MATLIN. 701 00:37:09,793 --> 00:37:15,137 - ALL RIGHT, WE WANNA THANK THE POPE FOR THAT MARVELOUS SPEECH. 702 00:37:18,620 --> 00:37:20,000 HOLY SHIT. 703 00:37:20,103 --> 00:37:23,068 ALL RIGHT, LET'S, UH... 704 00:37:23,172 --> 00:37:25,034 LET'S BE HONEST. 705 00:37:25,137 --> 00:37:26,758 OUR NEXT ROASTER, ANTHONY JESELNIK 706 00:37:26,862 --> 00:37:31,620 IS HERE BECAUSE GREG GIRALDO IS DEAD. 707 00:37:33,310 --> 00:37:35,827 WELL, TONIGHT, ANTHONY JESELNIK IS GOING TO LEAVE 708 00:37:35,931 --> 00:37:37,206 HIS STAMP ON THE ROAST, 709 00:37:37,310 --> 00:37:42,413 AND TOMORROW, HE'S GONNA USE THAT STAMP TO BUY FOOD. 710 00:37:42,517 --> 00:37:47,137 SO PLEASE GIVE A NICE, WARM MEAL TO ANTHONY JESELNIK. 711 00:37:55,793 --> 00:37:56,724 - THANK YOU. 712 00:37:56,827 --> 00:37:59,724 OH, SETH MCFARLANE, EVERYBODY. 713 00:38:03,931 --> 00:38:05,310 YOU KNOW, AT FIRST, I THOUGHT SETH 714 00:38:05,413 --> 00:38:07,103 WAS JUST FAMOUS FOR THE FAMILY GUY, 715 00:38:07,206 --> 00:38:09,068 BUT THEN I DID SOME RESEARCH, 716 00:38:09,172 --> 00:38:12,000 AND HE'S ACTUALLY NOT FAMOUS AT ALL. 717 00:38:16,310 --> 00:38:21,517 YOU KNOW, THEY SAY YOU ONLY ROAST THE ONES YOU LOVE, 718 00:38:21,620 --> 00:38:26,068 SO THIS IS GONNA BE SHORT. 719 00:38:26,172 --> 00:38:28,482 IT'S BEEN A ROUGH YEAR FOR COMEDY. 720 00:38:28,586 --> 00:38:32,482 NOT ONLY DID THE WORLD LOSE GREG GIRALDO... 721 00:38:32,586 --> 00:38:38,206 YEAH. 722 00:38:38,310 --> 00:38:42,103 BUT EVEN WORSE, IT KEPT JEFF ROSS. 723 00:38:42,206 --> 00:38:45,793 - WOW, THAT'S HARSH. WOW, THAT'S A TOUGH ONE. 724 00:38:45,896 --> 00:38:47,758 - YOU KNOW, ROSS, YOU'VE BEEN DOING THIS FOR A LONG TIME, MAN. 725 00:38:47,862 --> 00:38:50,551 I MEAN, JEFF ROSS HAS BEEN ROASTING PEOPLE SINCE 726 00:38:50,655 --> 00:38:53,034 WHITNEY CUMMINGS WAS NOTHING BUT A GLINT IN THE EYE 727 00:38:53,137 --> 00:38:55,758 OF THE MAN WHO RAPED HER MOTHER. 728 00:39:01,586 --> 00:39:03,793 YOU KNOW, WHITNEY CUMMINGS IS ONE OF THE HOTTEST ACTS 729 00:39:03,896 --> 00:39:09,448 IN SHOW BUSINESS RIGHT NOW FOR NO REASON WHATSOEVER. 730 00:39:09,551 --> 00:39:11,758 I MEAN, WHITNEY HAS HAD MORE UNDESERVED OPPORTUNITIES 731 00:39:11,862 --> 00:39:15,551 THAN A NATIVE-AMERICAN APPLYING FOR COLLEGE. 732 00:39:19,586 --> 00:39:21,689 I MEAN, LOOK AT THIS DAIS. 733 00:39:21,793 --> 00:39:26,862 YOU'VE GOT A PIMP, A MURDERER, A DRUG-DEALER, A PORNOGRAPHER, 734 00:39:26,965 --> 00:39:28,655 AND THEN EIGHT WHITE PEOPLE. 735 00:39:45,034 --> 00:39:46,586 LARRY KING IS HERE. 736 00:39:46,689 --> 00:39:48,586 LARRY'S BEEN MARRIED EIGHT TIMES. 737 00:39:48,689 --> 00:39:51,517 EIGHT TIMES! JESUS, MAN. 738 00:39:51,620 --> 00:39:55,586 YOU'VE GOT 99 PROBLEMS, AND BITCHES ARE ALL OF THEM. 739 00:40:01,413 --> 00:40:03,310 LARRY KING IS SO OLD, 740 00:40:03,413 --> 00:40:08,137 HE'S ACTUALLY ONE OF THE JEWS THAT KILLED CHRIST. 741 00:40:16,275 --> 00:40:19,965 OF COURSE, MAKING FUN OF LARRY KING FOR BEING OLD 742 00:40:20,068 --> 00:40:23,655 IS LIKE MAKING FUN OF MARLEE MATLIN FOR BEING DEAF. 743 00:40:23,758 --> 00:40:26,413 IT'S FUN. 744 00:40:30,137 --> 00:40:32,172 MARLEE MATLIN. 745 00:40:32,275 --> 00:40:33,931 ARE YOU EVEN LISTENING TO ME? 746 00:40:34,034 --> 00:40:36,724 - WHAT? WHAT? 747 00:40:39,068 --> 00:40:40,758 - IT'S GOOD TO SEE YOU HERE TONIGHT, MARLEE. 748 00:40:40,862 --> 00:40:43,034 I WAS ACTUALLY SHOCKED 749 00:40:43,137 --> 00:40:44,965 TO FIND OUT THAT YOU WON BEST ACTRESS 750 00:40:45,068 --> 00:40:46,896 AT THE ACADEMY AWARDS 751 00:40:47,000 --> 00:40:50,931 AND NOT THE SPECIAL OLYMPICS. 752 00:40:55,827 --> 00:40:58,724 LISA LAMPANELLI, 753 00:40:58,827 --> 00:41:02,551 YOU'RE COOL. 754 00:41:05,689 --> 00:41:07,275 - OFF THE HOOK. 755 00:41:07,379 --> 00:41:09,413 - MIKE SORRENTINO. 756 00:41:09,517 --> 00:41:13,034 GREAT JOB, BY THE WAY. 757 00:41:21,551 --> 00:41:22,862 MIKE, YOU'RE DOING REALLY WELL RIGHT NOW. 758 00:41:22,965 --> 00:41:24,517 YOU'VE GOT A TON OF ENDORSEMENT DEALS. 759 00:41:24,620 --> 00:41:27,344 YOU'VE GOT A COLOGNE, A VODKA, 760 00:41:27,448 --> 00:41:29,172 A WORKOUT VIDEO. 761 00:41:29,275 --> 00:41:31,172 I MEAN, YOU'VE GOT YOUR NAME ON EVERYTHING. 762 00:41:31,275 --> 00:41:34,379 EXCEPT A HIGH SCHOOL DIPLOMA. 763 00:41:37,551 --> 00:41:39,724 AND SITCH, I DON'T WANNA TELL YOU HOW TO LIVE YOUR LIFE, MAN, 764 00:41:39,827 --> 00:41:43,172 BUT IF YOU SPENT HALF AS MUCH TIME READING BOOKS 765 00:41:43,275 --> 00:41:46,310 AS YOU DO CHASING SKANKS, 766 00:41:46,413 --> 00:41:48,379 YOU PROBABLY WOULDN'T HAVE AIDS. 767 00:41:48,482 --> 00:41:50,827 - SNOOP! SNOOP? 768 00:41:50,931 --> 00:41:54,034 - I'M SORRY, CUZ. NO, HE DIDN'T. 769 00:41:54,137 --> 00:41:55,551 - SNOOP! 770 00:41:57,517 --> 00:41:59,586 - AND NOW, FOR THE MAN OF THE HOUR, 771 00:41:59,689 --> 00:42:03,172 MR. DONALD TRUMP. 772 00:42:05,344 --> 00:42:08,068 DONALD, YOU'VE GOT A GREAT SENSE OF HUMOR. 773 00:42:08,172 --> 00:42:09,620 YOU'VE BEEN SO HAPPY TO EMBARRASS YOURSELF 774 00:42:09,724 --> 00:42:15,000 ON SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE AND THE CASINO BUSINESS. 775 00:42:21,068 --> 00:42:25,068 YOU KNOW, DONALD TRUMP IS SUCH A DOUCHE BAG, 776 00:42:25,172 --> 00:42:27,965 THAT IF YOU LOOK UP THE WORD DOUCHE BAG IN THE DICTIONARY, 777 00:42:28,068 --> 00:42:32,655 THERE'S A PICTURE OF SPENCER PRATT. 778 00:42:32,758 --> 00:42:34,103 BUT IF YOU LOOK CLOSE, 779 00:42:34,206 --> 00:42:38,689 SPENCER PRATT IS HOLDING UP A PICTURE OF DONALD TRUMP. 780 00:42:44,034 --> 00:42:46,758 AND DONALD, I'M NOT EVEN SURE IF YOU'RE AWARE OF THIS, 781 00:42:46,862 --> 00:42:48,793 BUT THE ONLY DIFFERENCE BETWEEN YOU 782 00:42:48,896 --> 00:42:52,000 AND MICHAEL DOUGLAS FROM THE MOVIE WALL STREET 783 00:42:52,103 --> 00:42:55,931 IS THAT NO ONE'S GONNA BE SAD WHEN YOU GET CANCER. 784 00:43:09,448 --> 00:43:11,655 OF COURSE, MR. TRUMP, 785 00:43:11,758 --> 00:43:14,655 DESPITE EVERYTHING I JUST SAID, 786 00:43:14,758 --> 00:43:16,517 YOU'RE A GREAT SPORT FOR BEING HERE. 787 00:43:16,620 --> 00:43:18,034 THANK YOU FOR LETTING ME BE HERE TOO. 788 00:43:18,137 --> 00:43:20,551 THANK YOU VERY MUCH. THANK YOU. 789 00:43:26,448 --> 00:43:30,655 - COMING UP, MARLEE MATLIN, JEFF ROSS, AND DONALD TRUMP. 790 00:43:40,655 --> 00:43:42,000 - ALL RIGHT. WHAT CAN BE SAID 791 00:43:42,103 --> 00:43:44,965 ABOUT OUR NEXT ROASTER, MARLEE MATLIN? 792 00:43:45,068 --> 00:43:48,586 VIRTUALLY ANYTHING, 'CAUSE SHE CAN'T HEAR SHIT. 793 00:43:48,689 --> 00:43:50,275 SHE APPEARED ON THE L WORD, 794 00:43:50,379 --> 00:43:52,379 WHERE SHE PORTRAYED A DEAF LESBIAN. 795 00:43:52,482 --> 00:43:55,793 IN FACT, MARLEE HAS BECOME A HERO AMONG DEAF LESBIANS 796 00:43:55,896 --> 00:43:58,724 OR, AS THEY PREFER TO BE CALLED, EARMUFFS. 797 00:44:02,586 --> 00:44:06,482 PLEASE WELCOME MY GOOD PAL, MARLEE MATLIN. 798 00:44:19,379 --> 00:44:20,586 - WELL, THANK YOU. 799 00:44:20,689 --> 00:44:22,758 AS YOU CAN SEE, I'LL BE SPEAKING 800 00:44:22,862 --> 00:44:24,827 WITH THE HELP OF MY SIGNER THIS EVENING, 801 00:44:24,931 --> 00:44:26,344 AND TO BE HONEST, 802 00:44:26,448 --> 00:44:28,862 I'M A LITTLE SELF-CONSCIOUS ABOUT MY VOICE. 803 00:44:28,965 --> 00:44:31,103 BECAUSE I'VE BEEN TOLD BY THOUSANDS OF PEOPLE 804 00:44:31,206 --> 00:44:32,517 THAT WHEN I SPEAK 805 00:44:32,620 --> 00:44:36,137 IT SOUNDS LIKE WHITNEY CUMMINGS WITH A DICK IN HER MOUTH. 806 00:44:47,551 --> 00:44:50,586 I GUESS I'M THE PERFECT CHOICE FOR THIS ROAST, 807 00:44:50,689 --> 00:44:52,172 BECAUSE LIKE THE SITUATION, 808 00:44:52,275 --> 00:44:55,275 I, TOO, HAVE NEVER HEARD THE SOUND OF LAUGHTER. 809 00:45:06,655 --> 00:45:09,241 IN FACT, THE DEAF COMMUNITY HAS A SPECIAL SIGN 810 00:45:09,344 --> 00:45:11,724 FOR EVERYONE UP HERE ON THE DAIS TONIGHT. 811 00:45:11,827 --> 00:45:13,379 SNOOP DOGG. 812 00:45:16,655 --> 00:45:18,482 THE SITUATION. 813 00:45:21,413 --> 00:45:23,758 ANTHONY JESELNIK. WHATEVER. 814 00:45:23,862 --> 00:45:26,068 I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHO HE IS. 815 00:45:26,172 --> 00:45:27,241 LARRY KING. 816 00:45:32,172 --> 00:45:33,586 SETH MACFARLANE. 817 00:45:39,275 --> 00:45:40,206 WHITNEY CUMMINGS. 818 00:45:44,758 --> 00:45:46,172 LISA LAMPANELLI. 819 00:45:53,793 --> 00:45:55,310 AND OF COURSE, OVER THERE 820 00:45:55,413 --> 00:45:58,068 IS THE LEGENDARY ROASTMASTER GENERAL JEFF ROSS. 821 00:45:58,172 --> 00:46:01,241 CAN YOU BELIEVE THAT HE ACTUALLY ASKED ME OUT? 822 00:46:01,344 --> 00:46:04,413 I SAID, "JEFF, I'M DEAF, NOT BLIND!" 823 00:46:08,586 --> 00:46:09,862 I HAVE TO SAY, IT'S SUCH A THRILL 824 00:46:09,965 --> 00:46:11,793 TO BE UP HERE WITH AN ESTEEMED PEER 825 00:46:11,896 --> 00:46:13,965 LIKE LISA LAMPANELLI. 826 00:46:14,068 --> 00:46:16,758 I WON THE OSCAR FOR BEST ACTRESS. 827 00:46:16,862 --> 00:46:21,137 AND LISA WON "BEST IN BREED" AT THE COUNTY FAIR. 828 00:46:24,931 --> 00:46:26,344 NOT MANY PEOPLE KNOW THIS, 829 00:46:26,448 --> 00:46:30,103 BUT I REPLACED HER ON THE L WORD. 830 00:46:30,206 --> 00:46:32,517 APPARENTLY, THE ONLY WAY SHE WOULD EAT PUSSY 831 00:46:32,620 --> 00:46:35,413 IS IF IT HAD FRENCH FRIES IN IT. 832 00:46:37,344 --> 00:46:38,827 MARLEE, I CAN'T DO THIS ANYMORE! 833 00:46:38,931 --> 00:46:40,931 SHE'S AN OSCAR-WINNING ACTRESS AND--I CAN'T DO THIS. 834 00:46:41,034 --> 00:46:43,310 I'M OUTTA HERE. SEE YOU LATER! 835 00:46:44,862 --> 00:46:46,862 - WHAT? I... 836 00:46:46,965 --> 00:46:48,896 CAN ANYONE ELSE SPEAK FOR ME? 837 00:46:49,000 --> 00:46:50,586 CAN YOU TALK FOR ME? HELLO? 838 00:46:50,689 --> 00:46:53,310 - I WILL BE OF ASSISTANCE! 839 00:47:11,275 --> 00:47:17,827 I WILL BE HAPPY TO SIGN FOR THE GREAT MARLEE MATLIN! 840 00:47:17,931 --> 00:47:20,551 AH, THE HAMMERSTEIN BALLROOM. 841 00:47:20,655 --> 00:47:24,275 SPEAKING OF BALLROOM, MR. TRUMP, 842 00:47:24,379 --> 00:47:28,068 HOW ARE THOSE SPANX HOLDING UP? 843 00:47:29,586 --> 00:47:35,310 AS A DEVELOPER, DONALD TRUMP HAS DONE SO MUCH DAMAGE 844 00:47:35,413 --> 00:47:37,586 TO THE NEW YORK SKYLINE, 845 00:47:37,689 --> 00:47:40,137 INSTEAD OF CALLING HIM "THE DONALD," 846 00:47:40,241 --> 00:47:45,000 THEY SHOULD CALL HIM "THE 20th HIJACKER!" 847 00:47:47,206 --> 00:47:50,482 - TOO SOON! 848 00:47:50,586 --> 00:47:52,931 - DONALD ALWAYS SAYS, 849 00:47:53,034 --> 00:47:55,758 "MONEY CAN'T BUY HAPPINESS, 850 00:47:55,862 --> 00:48:01,793 "BUT IT CAN BUY THE BEST EASTERN EUROPEAN 851 00:48:01,896 --> 00:48:05,655 NEW YORK CITY HAS TO OFFER!" 852 00:48:09,793 --> 00:48:13,241 DONALD HAS TOLD MANY A TALE 853 00:48:13,344 --> 00:48:16,655 OF VIVACIOUS WALKERS OF THE NIGHT 854 00:48:16,758 --> 00:48:21,517 AND THEIR MYSTICAL EXTRA HOLE! 855 00:48:21,620 --> 00:48:24,793 THEY COME FROM A FARAWAY LAND 856 00:48:24,896 --> 00:48:30,068 TO SUCK THE BLOOD AND ILL-GOTTEN BANK ACCOUNTS 857 00:48:30,172 --> 00:48:35,137 FROM WEALTHY BUT STUPID BILLIONAIRES. 858 00:48:35,241 --> 00:48:38,241 TELL US, OH, GREAT TRUMP, 859 00:48:38,344 --> 00:48:41,758 WHERE ARE THESE WOMEN OF WHO YOU SPEAK 860 00:48:41,862 --> 00:48:46,862 WHO POSSESS THE COVETED FOURTH HOLE? 861 00:48:46,965 --> 00:48:49,275 FOR WE SHALL NOT REST 862 00:48:49,379 --> 00:48:52,310 UNTIL WE HAVE ALL EXPERIENCED 863 00:48:52,413 --> 00:48:56,517 THE PLEASURE OF THE FOUR-HOLE 864 00:48:56,620 --> 00:48:59,689 EASTERN EUROPEAN WHORES 865 00:48:59,793 --> 00:49:05,344 THAT ARE CURRENTLY DOING BLOW IN YOUR DRESSING ROOM. 866 00:49:12,206 --> 00:49:16,275 DID I GET THAT RIGHT? 867 00:49:22,758 --> 00:49:24,758 - SOUNDS GOOD TO ME. 868 00:49:24,862 --> 00:49:27,689 - THANK YOU, MR. TRUMP. 869 00:49:27,793 --> 00:49:29,413 YOU'RE THE BEST. 870 00:49:29,517 --> 00:49:32,344 THIS HAS BEEN A REAL THRILL FOR ME. 871 00:49:32,448 --> 00:49:35,275 IT'S NOT OFTEN YOU GET A BOSS 872 00:49:35,379 --> 00:49:39,137 THAT CAN LAUGH AT HIMSELF. 873 00:49:39,241 --> 00:49:43,000 - NOW, PLEASE STOP STARING AT MY TITS. 874 00:49:49,931 --> 00:49:53,000 - UP NEXT, JEFF ROSS AND DONALD TRUMP. 875 00:50:02,517 --> 00:50:05,413 - OUR FINAL ROASTER OF THE NIGHT, JEFF ROSS, 876 00:50:05,517 --> 00:50:08,724 IS ONE OF THE FATTEST NAMES IN COMEDY. 877 00:50:08,827 --> 00:50:10,931 WHENEVER HE WALKS OUT ON STAGE, 878 00:50:11,034 --> 00:50:14,931 MY FIRST INSTINCT IS TO HURL AN ANGRY BIRD AT HIM. 879 00:50:15,034 --> 00:50:16,724 PLEASE WELCOME 880 00:50:16,827 --> 00:50:20,758 THE ROASTMASTER GENERAL, JEFF ROSS. 881 00:50:26,000 --> 00:50:27,620 - HI, BABY. 882 00:50:27,724 --> 00:50:29,482 WOW. 883 00:50:29,586 --> 00:50:31,068 THIS IS EXCITING, TRUMP. 884 00:50:31,172 --> 00:50:33,620 ARE YOU HAVING A GOOD TIME? - GOOD TIME. 885 00:50:33,724 --> 00:50:36,344 - ALL RIGHT, WELL, TELL YOUR FACE. 886 00:50:41,862 --> 00:50:44,241 ALL RIGHT, I LOVE THIS. RUSSELL SIMMONS, MAN. 887 00:50:44,344 --> 00:50:47,965 IT'S GREAT TO SEE YOU, MAN. VERY COOL GUY RIGHT THERE. 888 00:50:48,068 --> 00:50:50,620 SALUTE YOU AND ALL YOU'VE DONE. 889 00:50:50,724 --> 00:50:54,896 ARE YOU HERE TO SIGN MARLEE MATLIN TO DEF COMEDY JAM? 890 00:50:59,620 --> 00:51:00,965 AND IF YOU'RE JUST TUNING IN, FOLKS, 891 00:51:01,068 --> 00:51:05,103 THIS IS NOT A MEMORIAL FOR LARRY KING. 892 00:51:05,206 --> 00:51:08,103 LARRY, I LOVE YOU. YOU BEEN A GREAT SPORT TONIGHT. 893 00:51:08,206 --> 00:51:09,827 GIVE HIM SOME LOVE. 894 00:51:11,793 --> 00:51:16,068 THE FORMER HUNCHBACK OF CNN. 895 00:51:16,172 --> 00:51:19,551 HIS FIRST CALLER WAS ALEXANDER GRAHAM BELL. 896 00:51:21,620 --> 00:51:23,620 I LOVE YOU, BUDDY. LARRY KING LIVE. 897 00:51:23,724 --> 00:51:28,310 EVEN THE TITLE WAS AN OXYMORON. 898 00:51:28,413 --> 00:51:30,896 THE FIRST TIME LARRY COVERED AN UPRISING IN EGYPT, 899 00:51:31,000 --> 00:51:34,724 HE INTERVIEWED MOSES. 900 00:51:34,827 --> 00:51:36,482 LARRY ASKED HIM IF HE THOUGHT THE WHOLE THING 901 00:51:36,586 --> 00:51:40,482 WAS A PYRAMID SCHEME. 902 00:51:40,586 --> 00:51:43,068 I LOVE LARRY. HE RECENTLY QUIT HIS SHOW. 903 00:51:43,172 --> 00:51:47,620 HE PLANS ON SPENDING HIS RETIREMENT OPENING A JAR. 904 00:51:51,793 --> 00:51:53,068 SINCE OUR LAST ROAST, 905 00:51:53,172 --> 00:51:55,310 THE COMEDY WORLD HAS LOST A GREAT FRIEND, 906 00:51:55,413 --> 00:51:58,862 GARY COLEMAN. 907 00:51:58,965 --> 00:52:01,827 HE DIED RECENTLY FROM MULTIPLE ANEURYSMS, 908 00:52:01,931 --> 00:52:04,862 WHICH IS KINDA LIKE DIFFERENT STROKES. 909 00:52:07,793 --> 00:52:10,000 TO GARY COLEMAN. 910 00:52:14,241 --> 00:52:16,068 WHITNEY CUMMINGS IS BACK AGAIN. 911 00:52:16,172 --> 00:52:17,379 SOME OF YOU MAY RECOGNIZE HER 912 00:52:17,482 --> 00:52:20,655 FROM HER PORN NAME, "WHITNEY CUMMINGS." 913 00:52:24,827 --> 00:52:26,172 WHITNEY'S SO BUSY THESE DAYS, 914 00:52:26,275 --> 00:52:28,448 CURRENTLY WORKING ON THREE PILOTS. 915 00:52:28,551 --> 00:52:31,724 AND THAT WAS JUST ON THE FLIGHT IN. 916 00:52:33,620 --> 00:52:39,344 WHITNEY, THANKS FOR YELLING YOUR ACT AT US LIKE ALWAYS. 917 00:52:39,448 --> 00:52:43,310 THIS WAS THE FIRST TIME MARLEE'S GLAD SHE'S DEAF. 918 00:52:45,448 --> 00:52:47,517 ACTUALLY, WHAT AN AMAZING WOMAN, THIS MARLEE-- 919 00:52:47,620 --> 00:52:50,103 WASN'T SHE FUNNY TONIGHT? THAT WAS AWESOME. 920 00:52:51,551 --> 00:52:55,000 THAT KILLED. WOW. 921 00:52:55,103 --> 00:52:57,448 FIRST DEAF OSCAR-WINNING ACTRESS. 922 00:52:57,551 --> 00:52:59,724 YOU KNOW WHAT-- AND I MET HER BEFORE THE SHOW, 923 00:52:59,827 --> 00:53:02,793 AND I GOTTA TELL YOU PEOPLE, WHAT A CUNT! 924 00:53:10,862 --> 00:53:12,551 I LOVE YA, SNOOP. 925 00:53:12,655 --> 00:53:13,931 SNOOP DOGG, HE'S SMOKED SO MUCH WEED, 926 00:53:14,034 --> 00:53:15,482 HE ACTUALLY HAD TO WRITE A SONG CALLED, 927 00:53:15,586 --> 00:53:19,517 HEY, WHAT'S MY MOTHERFUCKIN' NAME? 928 00:53:25,068 --> 00:53:26,965 LISA LAMPANELLI. 929 00:53:27,068 --> 00:53:29,172 LISA'S VAGINA IS SO BIG AND FULL OF BLACK DUDES, 930 00:53:29,275 --> 00:53:32,206 TRUMP'S TURNING IT INTO A HOUSING PROJECT. 931 00:53:32,310 --> 00:53:34,724 GOOD IDEA, RIGHT, BUDDY? 932 00:53:34,827 --> 00:53:36,620 - NOT BAD. - "NOT BAD." 933 00:53:41,103 --> 00:53:42,448 - YOU KNOW, LISA... 934 00:53:42,551 --> 00:53:44,310 HER VAGINA IS SO BEAT UP, 935 00:53:44,413 --> 00:53:47,034 ITS NICKNAME IS RIHANNA. 936 00:53:47,137 --> 00:53:50,931 all: OH! 937 00:53:51,034 --> 00:53:52,620 - I LIKE THAT. - FOR SOME REASON, 938 00:53:52,724 --> 00:53:56,000 DONALD, THE SITUATION IS HERE FOR YA. 939 00:53:56,103 --> 00:53:58,620 I'M LOOKING FORWARD TO THE CANCELLATION. 940 00:54:05,517 --> 00:54:06,655 YOU'RE THE BEST. 941 00:54:06,758 --> 00:54:08,137 I HEAR THE NEXT SEASON OF THE JERSEY SHORE 942 00:54:08,241 --> 00:54:10,896 IS GONNA BE SHOT IN ITALY, IS THAT RIGHT? 943 00:54:11,000 --> 00:54:14,448 I HOPE THAT'S JUST A SNEAKY WAY OF DEPORTING YOU. 944 00:54:17,206 --> 00:54:20,103 OH, HE'S ALL RIGHT. HE'S ALL RIGHT. 945 00:54:20,206 --> 00:54:22,896 LET'S TALK ABOUT THIS GUY, THE GUEST OF HONOR, 946 00:54:23,000 --> 00:54:25,620 MY FRIEND THE GREAT ONE, DONALD TRUMP, EVERYBODY. 947 00:54:28,758 --> 00:54:30,793 YOU LIKE MY TRUMPADOUR? 948 00:54:30,896 --> 00:54:32,724 - LOOKS GOOD. - THANK YOU. 949 00:54:32,827 --> 00:54:36,068 TRYING TO HONOR YOU IN EVERY WAY I CAN. 950 00:54:36,172 --> 00:54:37,586 THE DONALD AND I HAVE A LOT IN COMMON. 951 00:54:37,689 --> 00:54:41,000 WE BOTH LIVE IN NEW YORK. WE BOTH PLAY GOLF. 952 00:54:41,103 --> 00:54:44,862 WE BOTH FANTASIZE ABOUT HIS DAUGHTER. 953 00:54:48,310 --> 00:54:50,896 IVANKA, YOU'RE THE MOST BEAUTIFUL WOMAN IN NEW YORK. 954 00:54:51,000 --> 00:54:52,724 YOU REALLY ARE. GIVE HER A ROUND OF APPLAUSE. 955 00:54:52,827 --> 00:54:53,965 SHE'S AWESOME. 956 00:54:58,517 --> 00:55:00,206 DONALD, DOESN'T IT DRIVE YOU CRAZY 957 00:55:00,310 --> 00:55:02,206 THAT YOU'LL NEVER BUILD ANYTHING AS HIGH 958 00:55:02,310 --> 00:55:05,379 AS ME AND SNOOP RIGHT NOW? 959 00:55:09,137 --> 00:55:11,413 THE DONALD'S EGO IS SO BIG, 960 00:55:11,517 --> 00:55:13,965 HE VIDEOTAPES HIMSELF MASTURBATING 961 00:55:14,068 --> 00:55:17,448 AND THEN MASTURBATES TO THAT VIDEO. 962 00:55:19,482 --> 00:55:21,413 DONALD TRUMP IS SUCH AN EGOMANIAC, 963 00:55:21,517 --> 00:55:23,724 HE MAKES HITLER SEEM LIKE HE WASN'T COMPLETELY SURE 964 00:55:23,827 --> 00:55:26,620 HOW HE FELT ABOUT JEWISH PEOPLE. 965 00:55:28,827 --> 00:55:31,068 MELANIA, YOU LOOK SO BEAUTIFUL TONIGHT. 966 00:55:31,172 --> 00:55:33,241 GIVE HER A ROUND OF APPLAUSE. SHE'S BEEN A GOOD SPORT. 967 00:55:36,793 --> 00:55:38,275 SO GORGEOUS. 968 00:55:38,379 --> 00:55:40,034 THESE TWO ARE SO COMPATIBLE 969 00:55:40,137 --> 00:55:44,344 BECAUSE THEY BOTH YELL OUT DONALD'S NAME WHEN THEY CLIMAX. 970 00:55:44,448 --> 00:55:48,517 "DONALD!" "DONALD!" 971 00:55:48,620 --> 00:55:50,034 AND NOW YOU'RE GONNA RUN FOR PRESIDENT. 972 00:55:50,137 --> 00:55:52,275 DON'T YOU THINK THAT'S A REALLY COOL IDEA, YOU GUYS? 973 00:55:52,379 --> 00:55:55,655 YOU'LL KEEP 'EM HONEST. YOU'LL KEEP 'EM HONEST, DONALD. 974 00:55:55,758 --> 00:55:57,310 PERSONALLY, I HOPE YOU WIN, 975 00:55:57,413 --> 00:55:59,275 BECAUSE I CAN'T WAIT FOR THE 976 00:55:59,379 --> 00:56:02,482 I MEAN, THE INAUGURATION. 977 00:56:05,965 --> 00:56:07,655 DONALD TRUMP, BY SITTING HERE TONIGHT 978 00:56:07,758 --> 00:56:08,793 AND LETTING US DO THIS, 979 00:56:08,896 --> 00:56:12,068 YOU PROVED TO EVERY AMERICAN VOTER 980 00:56:12,172 --> 00:56:14,275 THAT YOU HAVE THICK SKIN, THAT YOU CAN TAKE A JOKE, 981 00:56:14,379 --> 00:56:16,034 THAT YOU ARE A MAN OF THE PEOPLE. 982 00:56:16,137 --> 00:56:18,103 AND NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS WITH THE ELECTION, 983 00:56:18,206 --> 00:56:21,379 YOU WILL ALWAYS BE THE KING OF NEW YORK CITY. 984 00:56:25,931 --> 00:56:27,172 GREG GIRALDO, ROAST IN PEACE. 985 00:56:27,275 --> 00:56:29,413 THANK YOU VERY MUCH, EVERYBODY. 986 00:56:29,517 --> 00:56:30,896 - GREAT JOB. 987 00:56:31,000 --> 00:56:32,827 FANTASTIC. GREAT JOB. 988 00:56:32,931 --> 00:56:34,586 GREAT. - YOU'RE NEXT. 989 00:56:34,689 --> 00:56:37,965 - UP NEXT, DONALD TRUMP FIRES BACK. 990 00:56:47,344 --> 00:56:49,827 - AND NOW... 991 00:56:49,931 --> 00:56:51,275 AT LONG LAST, 992 00:56:51,379 --> 00:56:53,448 WE'RE GOING TO SEE SOMETHING VERY UNUSUAL. 993 00:56:53,551 --> 00:56:56,068 DONALD TRUMP IS GONNA GET UP IN FRONT OF CAMERAS 994 00:56:56,172 --> 00:56:59,517 AND TALK ABOUT HIMSELF. 995 00:56:59,620 --> 00:57:01,034 BUT BEFORE THAT HAPPENS, 996 00:57:01,137 --> 00:57:03,517 I WANNA SEE YOU ALL IN THE BOARDROOM. 997 00:57:05,344 --> 00:57:08,827 DONALD, I WOULD LOVE TO FIRE YOU OFF THIS ROAST TONIGHT 998 00:57:08,931 --> 00:57:11,034 BECAUSE SOMEONE NEEDS TO BE HELD ACCOUNTABLE 999 00:57:11,137 --> 00:57:14,655 FOR THIS HOUR AND A HALF WE CAN NEVER GET BACK. 1000 00:57:14,758 --> 00:57:15,758 AND I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE GONNA SAY. 1001 00:57:15,862 --> 00:57:17,793 YOU'RE GONNA BLAME YOUR TEAM. 1002 00:57:17,896 --> 00:57:19,310 AND BELIEVE ME, THEY ARE THE WORST, 1003 00:57:19,413 --> 00:57:21,931 MOST INCOMPETENT, BUNGLING GROUP OF LOSERS 1004 00:57:22,034 --> 00:57:24,724 I'VE EVER SEEN. 1005 00:57:26,379 --> 00:57:29,137 BUT DONALD, IT IS YOUR BRAND THAT'S AT STAKE, 1006 00:57:29,241 --> 00:57:31,517 SO GET ON UP HERE AND DEFEND YOUR LEGACY. 1007 00:57:31,620 --> 00:57:33,655 DEFEND YOURSELF. 1008 00:57:33,758 --> 00:57:38,379 AS A MAN WHO WAS BORN WITH A SILVER STICK IN HIS ASS... 1009 00:57:38,482 --> 00:57:43,275 A MAN WHO HAS EVERYTHING EXCEPT HUMAN EMOTIONS... 1010 00:57:43,379 --> 00:57:45,103 A MAN WHO, IN ADDITION TO EVERYTHING 1011 00:57:45,206 --> 00:57:46,413 THAT'S BEEN SAID ABOUT HIM TONIGHT, 1012 00:57:46,517 --> 00:57:50,241 HAS ALSO DONE A LOT OF GAY STUFF... 1013 00:57:50,344 --> 00:57:51,413 LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, 1014 00:57:51,517 --> 00:57:53,793 DONALD J. TRUMP. 1015 00:57:55,551 --> 00:57:57,413 - ♪ MONEY, MONEY 1016 00:57:57,517 --> 00:57:59,965 - ♪ I JUST CAN'T GET ENOUGH 1017 00:58:00,068 --> 00:58:02,172 - ♪ MONEY, MONEY 1018 00:58:02,275 --> 00:58:04,103 - ♪ I JUST CAN'T GET ENOUGH - ♪ CAN'T GET ENOUGH 1019 00:58:04,206 --> 00:58:06,103 - ♪ MONEY, MONEY 1020 00:58:06,206 --> 00:58:07,724 - ♪ I JUST CAN'T GET ENOUGH 1021 00:58:07,827 --> 00:58:08,793 - ♪ OH, OH, MONEY, MONEY 1022 00:58:08,896 --> 00:58:10,448 - WOW. 1023 00:58:10,551 --> 00:58:12,413 - ♪ I JUST CAN'T GET ENOUGH 1024 00:58:15,172 --> 00:58:18,379 THANK YOU. 1025 00:58:18,482 --> 00:58:20,655 WHAT A GREAT HONOR IT MUST BE 1026 00:58:20,758 --> 00:58:25,034 FOR YOU TO HONOR ME TONIGHT. 1027 00:58:25,137 --> 00:58:29,551 ESPECIALLY HERE WHERE I'VE MADE MY NAME AND FORTUNE, 1028 00:58:29,655 --> 00:58:31,758 NEW YORK CITY, GREAT PLACE. 1029 00:58:35,931 --> 00:58:37,758 NOW, I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE THINKING. 1030 00:58:37,862 --> 00:58:40,068 "MR. TRUMP, SIR... 1031 00:58:40,172 --> 00:58:43,655 WHY WOULD YOU EVER DO THIS ROAST?" 1032 00:58:43,758 --> 00:58:45,793 HONESTLY, IT WAS WORTH IT, 1033 00:58:45,896 --> 00:58:49,482 BECAUSE IT'S ALL GOING TO CHARITY, 1034 00:58:49,586 --> 00:58:52,482 AND THEY PAID A LOT, BELIEVE ME. 1035 00:58:55,758 --> 00:58:58,689 BUT THE TRUTH IS, I SPECIFICALLY HAND-PICKED 1036 00:58:58,793 --> 00:59:03,034 THESE RECESSION-ERA BASIC CABLE NOBODIES 1037 00:59:03,137 --> 00:59:06,482 SO THAT THE CITY I LOVE, 1038 00:59:06,586 --> 00:59:08,655 THE CITY THAT NEVER SLEEPS, 1039 00:59:08,758 --> 00:59:12,586 COULD FINALLY GET A WELL-DESERVED NAP. 1040 00:59:12,689 --> 00:59:15,448 THAT'S RIGHT. 1041 00:59:15,551 --> 00:59:18,241 THIS DAIS IS THE PERFECT METAPHOR 1042 00:59:18,344 --> 00:59:22,137 FOR WHERE AMERICA STANDS TODAY. 1043 00:59:22,241 --> 00:59:24,344 LOOK AT OUR ECONOMY. 1044 00:59:24,448 --> 00:59:27,344 BARELY MOVING, GASPING FOR AIR, 1045 00:59:27,448 --> 00:59:31,103 AND DESPERATELY CLINGING TO LIFE. 1046 00:59:31,206 --> 00:59:34,206 VERY MUCH LIKE LARRY KING. 1047 00:59:34,310 --> 00:59:37,172 THE ONLY DIFFERENCE IS, 1048 00:59:37,275 --> 00:59:42,000 WITH LARRY, WE HAVE A NEVER-ENDING SUPPLY OF GAS. 1049 00:59:42,103 --> 00:59:43,896 NEVER ENDS. 1050 00:59:44,000 --> 00:59:46,827 THIS GREAT COUNTRY OF OURS 1051 00:59:46,931 --> 00:59:50,862 WAS BUILT ON ITS ENTREPRENEURIAL SPIRIT, 1052 00:59:50,965 --> 00:59:53,517 AND THAT SPIRIT IS BEST DEMONSTRATED 1053 00:59:53,620 --> 00:59:57,862 BY NONE OTHER THAN MY FRIEND SNOOP DOGG. 1054 01:00:00,206 --> 01:00:02,275 HIS IS A TALE 1055 01:00:02,379 --> 01:00:05,655 OF DO-RAGS TO RICHES. 1056 01:00:05,758 --> 01:00:07,724 IT'S TRUE. IT'S TRUE. 1057 01:00:07,827 --> 01:00:10,379 HE'S VERY PROUD OF THAT. 1058 01:00:10,482 --> 01:00:13,103 THAT'S WHY I'M SO HAPPY TO SEE SNOOP 1059 01:00:13,206 --> 01:00:17,620 SITTING UP HERE NEXT TO HIS FORMER RIVAL... 1060 01:00:17,724 --> 01:00:20,655 BIGGIE SMALLS, RIGHT HERE. 1061 01:00:25,137 --> 01:00:28,172 I WANT TO TALK ABOUT ONE OF THE WOMEN ON THE DAIS. 1062 01:00:28,275 --> 01:00:30,586 THIS AMAZING LADY STRUGGLES 1063 01:00:30,689 --> 01:00:35,137 WITH A SEEMINGLY INSURMOUNTABLE PHYSICAL HANDICAP. 1064 01:00:35,241 --> 01:00:39,862 I SPEAK, OF COURSE, OF WHITNEY CUMMINGS. 1065 01:00:39,965 --> 01:00:44,137 WHITNEY'S CAREER IS CRIPPLED BY HER FOUL MOUTH. 1066 01:00:44,241 --> 01:00:46,103 TO HEAR THAT FILTHY LANGUAGE 1067 01:00:46,206 --> 01:00:49,482 FROM SOMEONE SO MARGINALLY ATTRACTIVE 1068 01:00:49,586 --> 01:00:53,000 IS, FRANKLY, VERY UNPLEASANT. 1069 01:00:55,620 --> 01:01:00,000 LISA-- OR AS I CALL HER, MISS USDA-- 1070 01:01:05,034 --> 01:01:07,965 I WANT YOU TO BE A JUDGE 1071 01:01:08,068 --> 01:01:11,241 AT MY NEXT MISS UNIVERSE PAGEANT. 1072 01:01:13,379 --> 01:01:14,965 YOU'RE PERFECT. 1073 01:01:15,068 --> 01:01:16,965 BECAUSE LIKE THE UNIVERSE, 1074 01:01:17,068 --> 01:01:22,172 YOU'RE CONSTANTLY EXPANDING AND FILLED WITH DARK MATTER. 1075 01:01:29,241 --> 01:01:32,517 BUT THERE ARE SOME THINGS THAT HAVE BROUGHT SHAME 1076 01:01:32,620 --> 01:01:34,620 UPON THIS GREAT LAND OF OURS. 1077 01:01:34,724 --> 01:01:36,517 BESIDES LISA. 1078 01:01:36,620 --> 01:01:39,172 I SPEAK OF THE ATROCITIES 1079 01:01:39,275 --> 01:01:42,965 THAT WE AS A NATION MUST ENDURE, 1080 01:01:43,068 --> 01:01:46,241 LIKE THE JERSEY SHORE. 1081 01:01:46,344 --> 01:01:52,241 A PIECE OF ADVICE, MY GREASY FRIEND. 1082 01:01:52,344 --> 01:01:54,827 YOU DON'T NEED TO PUT 1083 01:01:54,931 --> 01:01:57,344 ALL OF THAT PRODUCT IN YOUR HAIR. 1084 01:01:57,448 --> 01:01:59,379 YOU JUST DON'T. 1085 01:01:59,482 --> 01:02:03,586 LOOK HOW GREAT MY HAIR LOOKS, AND I DON'T USE ANYTHING. 1086 01:02:03,689 --> 01:02:06,034 AND IT LOOKS VERY GOOD. 1087 01:02:06,137 --> 01:02:09,931 WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A WET RACCOON 1088 01:02:10,034 --> 01:02:12,862 AND DONALD J. TRUMP'S HAIR? 1089 01:02:12,965 --> 01:02:15,517 A WET RACCOON DOESN'T HAVE 1090 01:02:15,620 --> 01:02:20,689 7 BILLION FUCKIN' DOLLARS IN THE BANK. 1091 01:02:23,068 --> 01:02:25,862 VERY FUNNY. OKAY, VERY FUNNY. 1092 01:02:25,965 --> 01:02:30,000 AMERICA IS GOING THROUGH TOUGH TIMES, 1093 01:02:30,103 --> 01:02:32,620 AND WE ALL NEED TO LAUGH. 1094 01:02:32,724 --> 01:02:34,655 TRUE. 1095 01:02:36,103 --> 01:02:39,896 I KNOW THAT BETTER DAYS ARE AHEAD. 1096 01:02:40,000 --> 01:02:42,206 IF WE BELIEVE IN OURSELVES 1097 01:02:42,310 --> 01:02:45,241 AND THE WAY I BELIEVE IN MYSELF-- 1098 01:02:45,344 --> 01:02:47,793 AND I REALLY DO BELIEVE IN MYSELF-- 1099 01:02:47,896 --> 01:02:51,827 THEN COME JUNE, IF I DECIDE TO RUN, 1100 01:02:51,931 --> 01:02:56,620 YOU'LL HAVE THE GREAT PLEASURE OF VOTING FOR THE MAN 1101 01:02:56,724 --> 01:03:01,448 THAT WILL EASILY GO DOWN AS THE GREATEST PRESIDENT 1102 01:03:01,551 --> 01:03:04,344 IN THE HISTORY OF THE UNITED STATES. 1103 01:03:04,448 --> 01:03:07,448 ME--DONALD JOHN TRUMP. 1104 01:03:07,551 --> 01:03:11,068 GOD BLESS AMERICA, AND GOOD NIGHT! 1105 01:03:12,172 --> 01:03:14,310 GOOD NIGHT. 1106 01:03:16,241 --> 01:03:19,344 - ♪ I'M ALL ABOUT MONEY MONEY, MONEY ♪ 1107 01:03:19,448 --> 01:03:22,241 ♪ GOTTA GET MONEY MONEY, MONEY, MONEY ♪ 1108 01:03:22,344 --> 01:03:25,103 ♪ AND I DON'T KNOW NO OTHER WAY BUT TRY ♪ 1109 01:03:25,206 --> 01:03:28,000 ♪ AND I'MA GO HARD TILL THE DAY I DIE ♪ 1110 01:03:28,103 --> 01:03:31,103 ♪ I'M ALL ABOUT MONEY MONEY, MONEY ♪ 1111 01:03:31,206 --> 01:03:34,344 ♪ GOTTA GET MONEY MONEY, MONEY, MONEY ♪ 1112 01:03:34,448 --> 01:03:36,827 ♪ AND I DON'T KNOW NO OTHER WAY BUT TRY ♪ 1113 01:03:36,931 --> 01:03:39,827 ♪ AND I'MA GO HARD TILL THE DAY I DIE ♪ 1114 01:03:43,965 --> 01:03:45,620 - NOT ONLY IS DONALD TRUMP'S SKIN ORANGE, IT'S ALSO THICK. 1115 01:03:45,724 --> 01:03:48,103 - IT WAS A GREAT EXPERIENCE, A ROUGH EVENING FOR ME, 1116 01:03:48,206 --> 01:03:50,862 A ROUGH, ROUGH EVENING, BUT A LOT OF MONEY 1117 01:03:50,965 --> 01:03:52,586 IS GOING TO CHARITY BECAUSE OF THIS EVENING, 1118 01:03:52,689 --> 01:03:54,206 SO I TOOK IT FOR CHARITY. 1119 01:03:54,310 --> 01:03:56,000 - WE HAD ALL OF THE ABOVE. WE HAD NOTHING BUT LOVE. 1120 01:03:56,103 --> 01:03:58,517 IT WAS COMEDY, IT WAS LAUGHTER, IT WAS FUN-FILLED. 1121 01:03:58,620 --> 01:04:00,137 - THIS IS THE ROAST OF THE SITUATION. 1122 01:04:00,241 --> 01:04:02,310 - THE SITUATION WAS GREAT. WE LOVE HIM. 1123 01:04:02,413 --> 01:04:03,862 - YOU'RE A GOOD SPORT FOR COMING TO A ROAST. 1124 01:04:03,965 --> 01:04:05,448 - YOU GOT TO GIVE IT TO MARLEE, YOU KNOW? 1125 01:04:05,551 --> 01:04:07,655 SHE'S A TROOPER FOR COMING OUT HERE IN THE FIRST PLACE, 1126 01:04:07,758 --> 01:04:09,000 AND SHE'S HILARIOUS. 1127 01:04:09,103 --> 01:04:11,344 - YOU WERE AMAZING. - THE ONLY JOKE I MIGHT REGRET 1128 01:04:11,448 --> 01:04:13,000 IS MAKING FUN OF MARLEE MATLIN A LITTLE TOO HARD. 1129 01:04:13,103 --> 01:04:15,310 SHE'S SUCH A BEAUTIFUL, AWESOME WOMAN, 1130 01:04:15,413 --> 01:04:16,620 BUT OVERALL, IT WAS A BLAST. 1131 01:04:16,724 --> 01:04:18,517 - I WOULD NEVER SAY STUFF LIKE THAT, 1132 01:04:18,620 --> 01:04:21,379 BUT MARLEE IS A PERVERT. 1133 01:04:21,482 --> 01:04:24,896 - THE WHOLE NIGHT WAS ONE OF THE FUNNEST ROASTS EVER. 1134 01:04:25,000 --> 01:04:26,310 IT'S A PARTY. YEAH. 84139

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