All language subtitles for The.Big.Bang.Theory.S01E16.HDTV.XviD-XOR

- I got him!
- Take him down!

- He's got you, sheldon.
- Look at this move!

He's completely schooling you.

Hey, guys, guys, some of the other
waitresses wanted me to ask
you something.

It's called tressling.

It combines the physical strength of arm
wrestling with the mental agility
of tetris

into the ultimate sport.

Yeah, that's terrific, but what they
wanted me to ask you is to cut it the
hell out.

Great. Come here, guys.
Come on.

Happy birthday to you

we might as well stop.
It's a stalemate.

You're beating me in tetris, but you've
got the upper body strength of a
keebler elf.

Keebler elf?
I've got your keebler elf right here.

Okay, it's a stalemate.

So, leonard, will we be seeing you on
saturday for your free
birthday cheesecake?

He can't eat cheesecake.
He's lactose intolerant.

Okay, he can have carrot cake.

What about the cream
cheese frosting?

He can scrape it off.

Forget about the cake. How do you
know that my birthday's saturday?

I did your horoscope, remember?

I was going to do everybody's, until
sheldon went on one of his typical
psychotic rants.

For the record,
"that psychotic rant"

was a concise summation of
the research of bertram forer,

who, in 1948, proved conclusively
through meticulously
designed experiments

that astrology is nothing
but pseudo-scientific hokum.

Blah, blah, blah.
Typical taurus.

So, seriously,
are we going to see you saturday?

Uh, I don't think so.

Why not?

I don't celebrate my birthday.

Shut up. Yeah, you do.

It's no big deal;
it's just the way I was raised.

My parents focused on
celebrating achievements,

and being expelled from a birth
canal was not considered one of them.

That's so silly.

Sheldon: It's actually based
on very sound theories.

His mother published
a paper on it.

Well, what was it called?

"I hate my son and that's
why he can't have cake"?

Sheldon: It was
obviously effective.

Leonard grew up to be an
experimental physicist.

Perhaps if she'd also denied him
christmas, he'd be a little better
at it.

Thank you.

Well, I love birthdays.

Waking up to mom's special
french toast breakfast,

wearing the birthday king crown,
playing laser tag with all my friends...

Yeah, see?
That's what kids should have.

Actually, that was last year.

So you really never
had a birthday party?

No, but it was okay.

I mean, when I was little,

I'd think maybe my parents would change
their mind and surprise me with a party.

Like this one birthday I came
home from my cello lesson

and I saw a lot of strange
cars parked out front.

When I got to the door,
I could hear people whispering

and I could smell german chocolate cake,
which is my favorite.

And?

It turns out my
grandfather had died.

Oh, my god. That's terrible.

Well, it was kind of
like a birthday party.

I got to see all my cousins,
and there was cake, so...

That's the saddest
thing I've ever heard.

You think?

Go ahead,
tell her about your senior prom.

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The Big Bang
Theory Season01 Episode16

********Remember-- no peanuts.

Howard, every thai restaurant in
town knows you can't eat peanuts.

When they see me coming,
they go, "ah, no-peanut boy! "

Hello, penny.
Leonard just left.

I know. I want to talk to you.

What would we talk about?

We have no overlapping areas
of interest I'm aware of.

As you know,
I don't care for chitchat.

Can you just let me in?

Well, all right, but I don't see
this as a promising endeavor.

Okay, here's the deal.

We are going to throw leonard a kick-ass
surprise party for his birthday
on saturday.

I hardly think so.

Leonard made it very clear
he doesn't want a party.

Did someone say... "party"?

He just doesn't know he wants
one 'cause he's never had one.

I suppose that's possible,
but for the record,

I've never had a threesome and
yet I still know I want one.

Howard, here's the difference--

the possibility exists that leonard
could have a birthday party before hell
freezes over.

Fine. If I do have a threesome,
you can't be part of it.

I'm just kidding. Yes, you can.

Can you bring a friend?

I think a birthday
party's a terrible idea.

I envy leonard for growing
up without that anguish.

Anguish?

Year after year,
I had to endure wearing comical hats

while being forced into the crowded,
sweaty hell of bouncy castles.

Not to mention being blindfolded and
being spun toward a grotesque
tailless donkey

as the other children
mocked my disorientation.

Okay, sweetie, I understand you have
scars that no nonprofessional can heal,

but, nevertheless, we're going to
throw leonard a birthday party.

Have I pointed out that I'm
extremely uncomfortable with dancing,

loud music and most other forms
of alcohol-induced frivolity?

Nevertheless, we're...

- in addition, I really don't think that leonard wants...
- okay, here's the deal:

You either you help me throw leonard
a birthday party or, so help me god,

I will go in youour droom and unbag all
of your most valuable, mint-condition
comic books.

And on one of them-- t u won'yoknow
which-- I'll draw a tiny happy face
in ink.

You can't do that. If you make a mark in
a mint comic book, it's no longer mint.

Sheldon, do you understand
the concept of blackmail?

Well, of course, I... oh.

Yeah, I have an idea.

Let's throw leonard a
kick-ass birthday party.

That's not the secret knock.

This is the secret knock.

What difference does it make?

The whole point of a secret knock
is to establish a non-verbal signal

to verify the identity of
one's co-conspirators.

Penny: Is that raj and howard?

Possibly, but unverified.

Will you just let us in.

Luckily for you,
this is not a nuclear reactor.

So what'd you get
the birthday boy?

Well, raj got him an awesome,
limited edition dark knight sculpture

based on alex ross's
definitive batman.

And I got him this amazing autographed
copy of the feynman lectures on physics.

Nice. I got him a sweater.

Okay, well, he might like that.
I've seen him get chilly.

Sheldon, I didn't
see your present.

That's because I
didn't bring one.

- Why not?
- Don't ask.

The entire institution of
gift-giving makes no sense.

Too late.

Let's say I go out and
I spend $50 on you.

It's a laborious activity because
I have to imagine what you need,

whereas you know what you need.

Now, I could simplify things--
just give you the $50 directly,

and then you could give
me $50 on my birthday,

and so on, until one of us dies, leaving
the other one old and $50 richer.

And I ask you, is it worth it?

Told you not to ask.

Well, sheldon,
you're his friend.

Friends give each
other presents.

I accept your premise;
I reject your conclusion.

Try telling him it's a
non-optional social convention.

- What?
- Just do it.

It's a non-optional...
social convention.

Fair enough.

He came with a manual.

Question-- how am I going to get
leonard a present before the party?

I don't drive and the only things
available within walking distaenc

are a thai restaurant
and a gas station.

I suppose I could wrap up an order of
mee krob and a coup e of
ttery scratchers.

Okay let's do this--
I will drive sheldon to get a present.

And howard, you need to get rid
of leonard for about two hours.

No problem.

And then, raj, you bring the stuff
across the hall and start setting up.

What if guests show up?

Entertain them.

What if they're women?

Stare at them and make
them feel uncomfortable.

- How's it goin'?
- Fine.

So listen, the nuart is showing the
revised, definitive cut of blade runner.

Seen it.

No, you've seen the 25th
anniversary final cut.

This one has eight seconds of
previously unseen footage.

They say it completely
changes the tone of the film.

Pass.

Come on. Afterwards, there's a q &
a with harrison ford's body double.

Look, I'm in the halo
bale of my life here.

There's this kid in copenhagen--
he has no immune system,

so all he does is sit in his
bubble and play halo 24-seven.

Can't you play him
some other time?

Not if you believe his doctors.

Oh, my god, do you smell gas?

- No.
- Yeah, no.

You know,
they have dvds over there.

Yes, but they have
rndvd buers over here.

Leonard needs a dvd burner.

Sheldon, a gift shouldn't be something
someone needs, it should be
something fun.

You know, something they
wouldn't buy for themself.

You mean like a sweater?

It's a fun sweater.

It's got a bold
geometric print.

- Is it the geometry that makes it fun?
- Okay...

The point is one of the ways
we show we care about people

is by putting thought and imagination
into the gifts we give them.

Okay, I see.
So, not a dvd burner.

Exactly.

Something he wouldn't buy for himself.
Something fun.

Something like...
an 802-11n wireless router!

Here you go, copenhagen boy.

How about a taste of hans
christian hand grenade?

Oh, that could not feel good.

Come on, come...
oh, you clever...

Come on. Come on. Take that!

- What's the matter?
- This granola bar, it has peanuts in it!

Oh, my god. Why did you eat it?

I don't know.
It was just there!

If I had a gun there,
would you have shot yourself?

Don't yell at me!
I've got to go to the emergency room!

Now?

No, after my tongue has swollen
to the size of a brisket!

All right, uh,
just let me get my keys.

Oh, god, oh, god, oh, god!

The laundry is
out of the hamper.

Okay, sheldon,
what was it supposed to be?

Fine. It's out of the washer!

I'll call you when
it's in the dryer.

All right, let's go.

What do you think?

Um, that one.

- Because of the two additional ethernet ports?
- Sure.

He doesn't need them. He's already
got a six-port ethernet switch.

- Oh, okay, then this one.
- Why?

I don't know.
The man on the box looks so happy.

Penny, if I'm going to buy leonard
a gift, I'm going to do it right.

I refuse to let him experience
the same childhood trauma I did.

I know I'm gonna regret this, but:
What trauma?

On my 12th birthday, I really
wanted a titanium centrifuge so,

you know,
I could separate radioactive isotopes.

Of course.

Instead of a titanium centrifuge,
my parents bought me...

Wow, this is hard.

They got me a
motorized dirt bike.

No!

What 12-year-old boy wants
a motorized dirt bike?

All of them?

- Really?
- Yeah.

Okay, so we're
getting this one?

- Yeah, I suppose.
- All right, let's go.

Exexse me.

Do you know anything
about this stuff?

I know everything
about this stuff.

Woman: Okay,
I have my own wholesale flower business

and I want to hook up my computer in the
front entrance with the one in my
refrigerated warehouse.

Here, buy this one: Look, it's the
one we're getting. See? Happy guy.

No, no, no,
she doesn't want that.

She needs a point-to-point peer
network with a range extender.

Thank you.

Which hard drive do I want--
firewire or usb?

It depends on what buss
you have available.

I drive a chevy cavalier.

Oh, dear lord.

- Sheldon, we have to go.
- Not now, penny. This poor man needs me.

You, hold on.
I'll be right with you.

What computer do you have?

And please don't
say "a white one. "

Excuse me.

Fill this out. Have a seat.

No, listen. See, we're throwing
my friend a surprise party

and I'm supposed to keep him out
of his apartment for two hours.

Fill this out and have a seat.

No, see, the only way I could gehit m
to leave was to tell him I ate a peanut

because I'm allergic
to peanuts.

Well, in that case,
fill this out and have a seat.

Look, all I need from you is to take
me in the back and give me a band-aid

so I can pretend I had
a shot of epinephrine,

and then you tell my friend you need to
keep me under observation for about an
hour, hour and a half.

- Is that all you need?
- Yes.

Get out of my er.

No, you don't understand.

Oh, I understand, but unfortunately,
this hospital is not equipped to
treat stupid.

Okay, I get it.
I know how the world works.

How about if I were to introduce to
you to the man who freed your people?

Unless my people were freed by benjamin
franklin and his five twin brothers,

you are wasting your time.

Hey, sorry, I couldn't find a
parking spot. How are you doing?

Bad, very bad.

Really? You don't look like
you're swelling up at all.

Maybe we should just pick up some
benadryl at the drugstore and go home.

- We can't go home.
- Why not?

Because...

Because...

Brisket! Brisket!

Water! Need water!

I'll be right back.

Penny, listen,
I've got a problem.

Yeah, well, so do I. Look,
you gotta stall leonard a little longer.

I don't think I can.

You have to. We all have to be there
at the same time to yell surprise.

Okay, you have to
understand something.

We're in a hospital right now.

Why? Is leonard okay?

Leonard's fine. I'm fine.

Thanks for asking, by the way.

Okay, I don't need
your attitude.

Listen, just hold him
there a little longer.

Look, I've done my best, but he wants to
go home and I don't know how to
stop him.

Okay, how about this?

You keep himhere a little longer,
and when you get to the party,

I'll point out which of
my friends are easy?

Don't toy with me, woman.

I got a hot former fat
girl with no self-esteem,

I got a girl who punishes
her father by sleeping around

and alcoholic who's two tequila shots
away from letting you wear her like
a hat.

Thy will be done.

I'm doing this for you,
little buddy.

Okay, we don't have
that in stock...

But I can special-order
it for you.

Him.

Excuse me, sir.
You don't work here.

Yes, well, apparently,
neither does anyone else.

- Eldon, we have to go.
- Why?

Well, for one thing,
we're late for leonard's birthday party,

and for another,
I told him to call security.

Good luck.

By the way, a six-year-old
could hack your computer system.

Keep walking.

"1234" is not a
secure password.

Excuse me-- my friend is having
an allergic reaction to peanuts.

- No, he's not.
- Yes, he is.

Look, sir,
we are very busy here, and I...

Holy crap!

Please help me!

Code four! I need a gurney!

- Right away! Right away!
- Thank you.

Say what you will about the
healthcare system in this country,

but when they're afraid
of lawsuits, *********

I really don't think the
colonoscopy was necessary.

You know,
before you got all swollen up,

I actually thought you were trying
to keep me out of the apartment

so you could throw
me a surprise party.

Oh, right, it's your birthday.

I had no idea it was your birthday.
I completely forgot.

Wow, what a lousy way to spend a
birthday. Well, it's all over now.

There is a party, isn't there?

Maybe.

Howard?

Are you mad?

How could I be mad?

You actually risked your life
because you care about me.

Yeah, that's why I did it.

All right. Here we go.

My first birthday party.

* I see your true colors *

* and that's why I love you. *

Dude, everybody
left an hour ago.

Surprise!

******* I am on your
birthday party.

I don't know where you are,
dude, but it's really kick-ass!

Everyone is very,
very drunk and...

Oh, and look,
there's a girl taking her shirt off!

That's my friend carol.

Remind me--
I gotta introduce her to howard.

Oh, sweet krishna,
shake that rupee maker!

I'm so sorry you
didn't get your party.

Oh, it's okay.

Well, happy birthday, anyways.

Hey, penny,
wh-wh-when's your birthday?

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