Original subtitles

I just think this long-distance relationship of yours

-is so romantic. -Oh.

There's a Chinese proverb that says,

"Fate brings people together

no matter how far apart they may be."

-Oh, Jen. Oh, that's so sweet. -Mm.

The Chinese have such beautiful sayings,

-don't they? -Oh.

Yeah, and then some stupid American

will tattoo it on their neck.

(chuckling)

No, Jen's right, Mom.

You have never seemed happier.

Oh, well, it's all thanks to Edward.

-Ooh. Mwah. -Oh, come on, come on.

What can I say?

The woman fills the hole in my heart.

Aw.

Thought that was a stent.

You can fill the hole in my face

with that piece of pie.

No, you know what, Mom? It just...

It feels like you're a totally different person.

You know? I mean, wining, dining,

flying across the country to see your boyfriend.

You've really blossomed.

Yeah. No, I do. I feel more independent.

For years, I-I lived for my husband and my children,

-and now I'm finally living for myself, you know? -Yeah.

-Mm-hmm. -Well, it's a celebration.

Let's have some pie.

Oh.

Bonnie, I'm sorry. We have to be going, actually.

-Come on. -Oh, dear.

Yeah, my-my flight to Connecticut is tomorrow.

-So sorry. -Oh! -No, no. Uh...

Well, you know what? No. No worries, Mom.

You know, we'll-we'll just have pie

when you come back into town.

Listen, I'm-I'm gonna be a little late tomorrow morning.

I'm taking Bonnie out for a farewell brunch.

Well, you've been late seven days this week. Why stop there?

(chuckles) Bye. Bye, Mom.

-See you, guys. -(chuckles)

You know, I love that I get to say this,

but I'm really gonna miss my mom when she leaves.

Yeah. I really miss Ed while she's here.

Oh, stop. Stop. You know, so what if,

while she's visiting, he's a little distracted?

-It's sweet. -He's more than distracted.

He's head over heels over her,

and that's not good for a guy with an inner ear problem.

All right, well, yeah.

All I know is

I have never seen her happier.

I hope I can find something like that after you die.

That's sweet.

You should put that on a Valentine's card.

-(laughs) -Listen, I just think Ed needs

-a little more balance with this stuff, -Ah.

-so I'm gonna give him a little talk today. -Oh, no.

-Mi-Michael Baxter, don't you dare. -What?

-I'm just gonna talk to him. Just... I'm just gonna talk... -No, no.

Do not interfere! This is not one of those situations

where you get to...

-Play piano? -No, no, no.

It's-it's what you always do. The...

-Massage a monkey? -No.

It's being a puppeteer.

-That's not a puppeteer. -Yes.

Puppet's like this. Wooden slats.

Finger, fingers.

Bring in another puppet.

Yeah. I'm the puppet master.

*

CHUCK: Ed's on his way up.

He's taking a long time,

because he's literally stopping to smell the roses.

That guy actually makes me want to hate love.

And people are starting to complain about all the hugging.

I don't want to say who, but it's me.

All right. It's becoming a problem here at work,

-and I will have a talk with him. -Mm.

Good, 'cause I'm thinking about getting him some slippers

so I can hear him coming.

You know, the old man shuffle.

(mimics shuffling sounds)

(Mike chuckles)

That sounds exactly like my grandpa.

Good memories.

-Bring 'em in. -Aw.

Hey!

Bring it out, man. Yes.

Mike, there's only one drug that can make you feel

like you're walking on air and sunshine.

Yeah. LSD.

No.

L-U-V.

Yeah, about your relationship with Bonnie--

it's becoming kind of a burden to others.

I'm creating problems at work. I'm sorry.

No, no, no, it's okay, it's okay.

You and Bonnie are doing great, and I don't want to change that.

-But it's not okay. -Oh.

You know, when you see someone

once a week every month, you know,

you want to take advantage of every second. It's...

-I understand. And, again, I don't want to change that, -Yes. Yeah.

but... I want to change that.

I'll talk to Bonnie while I'm driving her to the airport.

-Hey, you don't have to. -All right? Yeah. Huh?

-But you have to. -(stammering)

And with that, your system is up and running.

The finest in home security that I had left over in my garage.

(phone chimes)

-Wh-What was that? -Oh, that's the security app

letting you know someone's in your apartment.

Hey, it's us.

-Mandy, wave. -(Chuck laughs)

Oh, no. No, no.

The-the camera's in the smoke detector.

Hi, Kyle.

Whoa, I can even hear you.

(Chuck laughs)

O-Okay, so, uh, when you want to set the alarm, all you...

Okay, when you want to turn the alarm on...

When you... Guys, look at me!

When you want to set the alarm,

all you have to do is push "command, 3."

-Okay? -All right. Got it.

-Hey, thanks, Mr. Larabee. -Uh, you're welcome.

-We really appreciate it. -Yeah.

Don't we, honey?

Mandy.

Mandy. Mandy, look at me!

Uh, sorry.

Thank you so much.

Uh, most people have the camera off when they're home, but...

you guys do what you want.

Do I hear dessert?

I made douhua.

What is it?

It is a traditional pudding from Hong Kong.

MIKE: Huh.

Still dessert, right?

-Mmm. Mmm! -Mm. Yeah.

I like that.

Yeah, it's creamy. And sweet.

But it's not too sweet.

It's made with tofu.

Oh.

You tricked me. Are you proud of yourself?

-Vanessa? -VANESSA: Mom!

What are you doing here? You're gonna be late for your flight.

Something happened, and I thought it would be best

to tell you in person.

Did something happen with Grandma? (stammers)

-She's so young. -N...

She's 99.

No, it's...

-Grandma's fine. -Oh, good.

99 isn't that old.

A lot of people live longer than that in Hong Kong,

because we have better health care.

But... yay, USA.

(exhales) Mom, what? What?

Bonnie and I are no longer dating.

-What? -Well, Ed told me

that it was causing problems for you at work, so...

Why would you say that?

As I said before, we're no longer dating...

Because...

we're getting married.

You tricked us. You proud of yourselves?

-You're getting married? -Yes.

Isn't it crazy?

Totally.

(chuckles)

The correct response would be, "Congratulations."

Yes, yes, of course.

Yes, uh, congratulations.

I am so happy.

Oh, I have to call Mom.

She won't know who I am, but she loves weddings.

It's just... Okay.

Thanks, Mike.

This never would have happened without you.

He keeps saying that.

You know, I'd like to say, "Young love,"

-but that ain't it. -(sighs)

You couldn't help yourself, could you, Mike?

I asked you to do one thing--

not to mess with my mom's relationship with Ed.

I just talked to him about work.

I didn't want you to talk to him at all.

Well, how do we know this is even my fault?

Maybe they're covering the real problem.

Like what?

Maybe your mom's pregnant.

Oh, God. (exhales)

No. My-my mom was finally standing on her own two feet,

and now she's just been swept off them.

I know. It's because he's been married four times.

Uh, look, that he's been married four times

doesn't bother me-- it's the four divorces.

Well, he didn't want to get divorced.

I'm sure he would rather they died.

Honey,

-people change. You know that. -No.

No, look, if Ed was marrying somebody else,

I could sit back and root for him.

-But this is my mother. -I know.

It's my mother. It's not a risk I want her to take.

Well, what are we supposed to do about it?

(sighs) Well, you-you should talk to Ed.

Isn't that how we got here

-in the first place? -(groans)

Look, if Ed divorces my mom, it will kill her.

It will kill her, which will kill me.

And, trust me, it won't stop there.

Just want to install this low-flow showerhead.

It's gonna save us hundreds. I mean, you know how much

the two of them wash their hair.

-(screams) Oh, my God! -What? Wh-What happened?

(stammers) I saw a mouse! He ran under the sink!

Yeah, okay. Yeah, I-I believe you.

-I don't have to look. Thanks. -Oh...

Ew, we have mice.

Mandy and Kyle are gonna freak out.

(sighs) Okay. Well, they're not moving in for a few weeks,

so I will deal with it.

Oh, babe, it's right here on the counter.

Oh. (chuckles)

My grandma used to say I'd lose my head

if it wasn't attached by my thyroid, cartilage,

C7 and T1 vertebrae.

(phone chimes)

Hey, it's our security system.

Oh, it's Ryan and Kristin.

I promise I will get rid of them.

What? Is he talking about us?

Yeah, I feel gross just knowing that they're up here,

with their beady little eyes.

-They make me sick. -It's too bad,

-'cause they're kind of cute. -(scoffs)

No, they're not. They're disgusting.

And they leave their poop everywhere!

No!

This is, like, the meanest reality show ever.

Turn it off.

-I'm really upset. -Me, too.

I'm gonna go wash my hair.

Hey, save me some conditioner.

-Hey, Ed. -Hmm?

There's a new Mission: Impossible movie out.

You know what the problem with those movies are?

Yeah, they all end the same way.

So why are you getting married again?

Oh, you're diving right in, aren't you, Mike?

-Yeah, you know, I'm just wondering -Yeah.

if you really thought this through, pal.

Oh, I have.

I'm in love with the woman.

I know you are.

So does everybody within hugging range.

Why not just keep things the way they are?

Because things the way they are

means there are 1,800 miles between us.

-Okay? -I know.

But I'm just going by the previous four marriages.

Seems to me, being in the same house

didn't prove to be the charm.

You know, Bonnie is a woman of class, of character,

and she deserves to be treated as such.

She's not some floozy, some tart,

or some dance hall girl.

Can we leave the golden age of jazz just for a moment?

Listen... (grunts)

you know how many times Bonnie's been married? Once.

And it was one of those "till death do us part" marriages.

This has to be the real deal, Ed.

You think I haven't thought about that?

I guess I would feel a lot better

hearing you say that you have.

You know, I'm finding it very hard

not to feel insulted right now.

I'm just coming from the fact I was your best man

at the last four Mission: Impossible movies.

Well, maybe you'll just have to sit this one out.

MIKE: Hey, guys, come on in.

-Hi. -BONNIE: Yeah.

-Hi. -Yeah.

Vanessa, always a delight to see you.

Sir.

So, what is this about, honey?

Please, come on in, guys, sit down.

Everybody, come on and sit down.

Uh... well, looks like there's been a lot of talk

about Bonnie and Ed's relationship

behind closed doors.

There has? Wow.

Who-who's-who's been talking?

Well, I, for one. And...

It would appear just me.

Well, I was behind one of those doors when you made

your opinion about my shortcomings abundantly clear.

Wait, Michael. Do you... do you have a problem

with Ed and me getting married?

Let's just say there's a problem,

and I'm the one talking about it.

Unless somebody else wants to join in.

Well, I don't think anybody else has a problem, Mike.

It would appear that way.

And yet...

And yet what?

-Really? Is that it? -Oh, fine, fine.

Look, it-it was me; I-I have the problem.

-Really? -You?

My apologies, Mike.

Apparently, I was angry at the wrong viper.

I am worried about my mom, Ed.

She's finally happy.

Well, I'm sorry I made your mother happy.

I'm a horrible man.

Yeah, but you made four other women happy, as well,

and then you divorced them.

Which only made them happier.

Look, my mother is finally doing what she wants,

and I don't want her to just throw that away.

I see.

You-you don't want Ed to dictate how I live my life.

-Yes, exactly. -Because you want to.

What? No, no, Mom.

Honey, honey, it does seem that that's what you're saying.

I said "honey."

For your information,

I was the one who proposed to Ed.

You did?

Yes.

And there were some conditions.

One being that we live here

so that I could be close to my daughter.

Oh. Oh, wh... (stammering)

Oh, see, this is why I wanted us to talk.

I am in control of my life,

and I have no intention of giving that up to anyone.

-(sighs) Now, Eddie? -Hmm?

-I am hungry... -Yes. Mm-hmm.

...and I would like you to take me to dinner.

Very good. I have a few words to say to Vanessa first.

-Edward! -Y-Yes, dear. Right away.

Isn't she magnificent, huh?

-(door closes) -VANESSA: Mm.

This is a time for pie.

(knocking on door)

Hey, got your text.

Oh, did you, Ryan?

Did you get my text?

Hey, Mandy, he got my text.

Isn't that nice.

Good for you, Ryan.

Uh, are you guys okay? You seem upset.

Oh, just upset? Not filthy? Not gross?

Okay, you know what? Why don't, um...

why don't we have this conversation downstairs?

Oh, wow, you just can't wait to get us out of here, can you?

Yeah, let's get to it, Ryan, okay?

We know you and Kristin's little secret.

Oh, boy. (sighs) How'd you find out?

Yeah. See that smoke detector?

It's a camera.

And a smoke detector.

Sometimes a security system

protects you from people you already know.

Hey, hon. Oh, hey, guys.

What?

They installed a security camera, Kris.

They know everything.

Oh, no. Ooh.

So they saw I put out some poison?

-Wha... -Poison?

Oh, my God.

I know it sounds inhumane, but really,

it's just the quickest way to get it over with.

Well, that's thoughtful, Ryan, but still horrible.

I mean, if Ryan wasn't so squeamish about it,

I would've run over and grabbed one of Dad's guns.

(gasps)

Uh, couldn't you just ask us to leave?

Ask you to leave? No, the whole point is to keep you in here.

Wha... Wha... Behind the wall?

Uh, hold up. I'm sorry. (chuckling)

What exactly do you guys think is going on here?

Oh, we know what's going on.

You want to get rid of us

because we broke one tiny cabinet.

What? No. No, no. (chuckling)

We... we found a mouse, and we were trying

to get rid of it before you guys moved in.

All right, nice try. A mouse.

Because mice are "filthy," and they "poop everywhere,"

and you "use poison to get rid of..." Oh, it is a mouse.

So... you don't want to kill us?

Not before this conversation.

(chuckles) Hang on.

-You broke a cabinet? -Wha...

Honey, honey. No, no, it's fine. We'll fix it, okay?

The important thing is there is no one

we would rather have living here than you two.

She's right. You know what? Everything is cool.

And I promise I will get rid of the mouse

-before you guys move in. -No, no, no, don't get rid of it.

Maybe it'll become friends with the one that we keep here.

(both laughing)

Knock, knock.

Viper who?

No, I didn't say viper.

I, uh, uh, n-never mind.

Um...

Look, I uh... I brought a peace offering.

-Ah. -Yeah.

It's-it's scotch.

I was hoping maybe we could "tape"

our relationship back together.

Is that supposed to make me feel better?

Well, booze and a pun-- what's not to like?

All right, look, Ed, um...

I never should have questioned your commitment to my mom.

You suggest a man doesn't deserve the love of his life...

and you think a bottle of scotch is gonna make things right?

Well, I was hoping so. I-I mean, I-I have another bottle

in the car if you think it's gonna take two.

That really hurt, Vanessa.

I know. I know. I-I'm... I'm so sorry.

Look, I... I was just trying to protect my mom from...

I-I mean, I didn't want her to get into a... (stammering)

I mean, yeah, I... yeah, I was just trying to protect my mom.

Look, I know my track record. All right?

I wanted to propose to your mother three months ago.

Hmm? Well, what stopped you?

My track record.

In the past, I decided to get married on impulse.

And so, so why did you do things differently this time?

I didn't.

Your mother did.

VANESSA: Mm.

For months, I agonized, wondering if I really deserved

that woman, and I'll be damned if she didn't propose to me.

(chuckling) Gosh, I just...

I can't picture my mother doing that.

She took a knee in the restaurant.

Three waiters ran over to help her up.

Other than that, the service was slow.

If you had doubts, Ed, why did you say yes?

Well, I was just hoping your...

your mother's judgment was better than mine.

So, you see, we both have the same doubts.

It's just easier for me to be mad at you about them.

Well, maybe we're both wrong.

But, look, this time is already different.

How so?

Well, you broke the pattern.

You wanted to be impulsive, but-but you waited.

-Hmm, I did, didn't I? -Yeah.

Oh, may-maybe I've grown.

Maybe I'm finally learning from my past.

Okay, yeah, well... let's go with that.

All right.

You're a good friend, Vanessa.

Uh... (clears throat)

Or you're just buttering me up

because I'm going to be your stepfather.

You are really gonna hate the boy I'm seeing.

Thank you.

Oh, bring it in.

-(chuckling) -There you go. Mm.

Ah, I'm sorry about the cologne. It's Chuck's.

Hmm.

Now, speaking of breaking patterns...

how would you like to be my best man?

Mike's always your best man.

Yeah, I know. I'm just thinking that maybe...

maybe he's the jinx.

Hey, Mike Baxter here for Outdoor Man.

They say it's a dog's life.

A dog-eat-dog world.

Put a poodle in a tuxedo, they call it "doggie style."

But you can't teach an old dog new tricks.

We spend way too much time thinking about dogs.

What people should be doing is making sure

they can learn new tricks, that they can change.

German philosopher Georg Hegel wrote,

"We learn from history that we do not learn from history."

Smart guy who wrote nothing about dogs.

Maybe he was right when it comes to countries and cultures,

but I know for a fact that individuals can change.

I've got a buddy who drove a half-ton pickup for 26 years.

You know what he drives now?

A three-quarter-ton pickup.

See? Change.

And maybe the reason I have such deep faith

that people can alter the course of their lives

is because I've experienced it myself.

If you don't believe me, I've got some pictures to show you

of a young hippy named Mike, who... (chuckles)

who thought George McGovern should be president.

(inhales) Sure.

Took me a second to figure out that dog just wasn't gonna hunt.

Baxter out.

(chicken clucks)

Captioned by Media Access Group at WGBH